Home
by Hearts.Pocky
Summary: RS, SR. Now that Sora and Riku have a place to live, they need to cope with all the changes that come with it: relationships, starting school, and dealing with unsolved problems from their pasts... SEQUEL TO RUNAWAY.
1. Sora: Adjusting

Welcome back, suckers. :p

**First of all- **I hope the wait wasn't too long. After I finished Runaway I took a little break, then I started getting writer's block and could NOT figure out how to start this. Plus, I've had to work on Insane Asylum and this other KH fic I don't know if I'll post. Blah, blah, blah.

**And for something important**- I messed up on the part when Riku was talking about the diner guy. (I know, I know) I was just kind of looking over what happened and realized I really, really messed up. So, disregard that part- and I'm going to fix it as soon as I can.

**Anyway- **this picks up directly where Runaway left off.

**Another note- **This might get bumped up to M.

**_Disclaimer-_ **Still don't own it.

**Home**

chapter 1

(Sora POV)

I haven't heard from Riku in hours. I came downstairs shortly after I woke up; it was around 6:30 then. Luckily, when I came down Dad was awake, too. We just watched TV for an hour, and now it's 8 and he's making breakfast.

Pancakes.

"Sora, go get a plate; they're almost done." Dad says, motioning to where the plates are. I pull out one for me, Dad, and Riku; though I don't know if he'll be coming down. I don't know if I should go up and wake him or if I should let him sleep.

Oh, whatever. I'm hungry and the pancakes are going to get cold.

-

Dad and I are on our third or fourth serving of pancakes when I see Dad looking up, over my shoulder.

"'Morning." He says. I turn over to try and see where Dad's looking.  
Riku's up, finally.

"'Morning, Riku." I say, my mouth still full of food. Riku doesn't really respond. He just keeps walking down the stairs.

When he reaches the table Dad pulls up a chair.

"Sit, sit," He says. "You want some pancakes?"

Riku shakes his head.

"No, thank you..." He replies. He sounds so tired. I run my fingers through his damp hair. That explains why he was taking so long- he must have taken his time showering and stuff.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Dad asks, getting up and heading back into the kitchen.

"No, thank you." Riku says again.

"At least have some toast or something."

"Alright. Sure." Riku runs his fingers through his hair, and adds, "Thank you."

It's really kind of funny to see Riku being all polite and shy around my dad; especially when he's doing something that, if I was doing it, Riku would smack me.

While Dad's gone I grab and lift up Riku's hair. He glances over at me, then goes back to kind of spacing out. While he's unsuspecting, I kiss him. Right behind the ear. Riku takes a swing at me, but I dodge and he misses.

"You want butter or jam or something?" Dad calls from the other room. Riku tenses up a little.

"No, thank you..."

Dad shrugs as he walks in. "Suit yourself." He hands Riku a smaller plate with a single piece of toast on it. 'Thank you...'

"Thank you..." Riku says.

Ha, ha. I'm good.

--

"Well," Dad shifts uncomfortably, after Riku finally finishes his breakfast. "I have to go to work."

"Why?" I ask. Crap. I don't want to sound whiny... but it's my first day here. Dad should at least be able to stay home...

"Sorry, kiddo. I can't miss today." He says, getting up. He walks over to the coat rack near the front door and pulls it on. He walks over again and ruffles my hair. "I'll be back at lunchtime... and I'm getting off work early today." Dad goes over to Riku and reaches to put his hand on Riku's shoulder. Riku flinches. "...And I'll be off all day Saturday." He hugs me and as he walks out the door, yells: "Bye!"

"Bye..." I say quietly.

I turn around to look at Riku, and it's easy to see he's not shy anymore. He gets up and stretches and gets himself a glass of water.

"How do you like my dad?" I ask him. Riku looks thoughtful, and doesn't reply.

The house seems so quiet and empty without Dad here, and without Riku saying a word.

"Riku... are you okay?"

"Fine." He says into the glass.

"Good."

It's never going to stop being weird the way Riku can just change from being shy to normal, or from nice to... well, normal. It's probably from having to lie to all those people while he was on the street like that.  
Or something.

I go up to Riku and wrap my arms around him. "The day's free...what do you want to do?" I ask him.

"I don't care." He says, putting the cup in the sink.

"Wanna watch some TV, then?" I suggest.

"Sure, whatever."

--

I think it's been only fifteen minutes or so. Riku's sitting at the opposite end of the couch that I am, but I spread out so my legs are resting on his. I was watching TV at first, but now I'm kind of focusing on other things.

I'm bored and wish Dad were home.

I wish Riku would say something.

I sit up and tug on Riku's arm until he's laying down. His head is on my knees, so I just kind of shift around until we can get comfortable.

So now we're both laying down. Riku's head is on my chest and-- oh my god, he's so heavy. ...But that's okay. It's not that bad.

...Hmm. For someone who doesn't eat a lot, Riku sure weighs a ton.

I reach over to the remote control and turn off the TV. With my other hand I begin to stroke Riku's hair.

--

It's been a about two hours, I think. Riku and I have been napping, so he's kind of weighing me down... I can't get up to see the clock.

"Riku. Riku. Wake up." I whisper, shaking him a little.

"I am awake." He says. He gets up, stretches, the goes back to his corner of the couch. I scoot over next to him and get on his lap backwards, so that I'm facing him.

"Sora, don't even--" Riku starts to say something, but before he can finish the door opens and Dad comes in.

"Hey, boys," Dad says. He's trying to get his jacket off, unsuccessfully. "You hungry? We can--" before I can get off Riku he looks over at us. "Woah! Woah! Okay. I'm leaving." He goes into another room, and I jump off Riku and follow him.

"Dad! Wait!" I say. "We weren't doing anything! Really." Dad looks at me for a moment, then smiles.

"Alright, sure." He says. "But that was just a weird thing to see the minute I come in." He fake-laughs and walks into the kitchen. "Let's just have lunch now."

--

We're all sitting and eating, none of us really saying anything.

What if Dad's homophobic? What if he doesn't like me anymore after he finds out about me? What if he hates Riku because I like him?

"You know," Dad speaks up and it makes both me and Riku jump. "I need to go again. I'm sorry... but I had to cut my lunch short so I can come home for the night earlier."

"When are you coming home?" My voice quiet and weak, but I don't know why.

"In like... three hours." He fake-laughs again. "I'll be back at around three or four." No one says anything. "That okay, guys?"

It looks like Riku's not going to say anything, so I do.

"Sure."

--

So, Riku and I just go back to watching TV again. Riku keeps looking at me kind of funny, and it's really weird.

"Do I have something on my face or something?" I ask.

"No." He says. He looks down for a second when he begins to play with the sleeve on his leather jacket. It's beginning to rip. (The sleeve.) I bet I could get him a new one sometime... aaand Riku's still staring.

I'm getting that 'being looked through a magnifying glass' feeling again. I shift a little. This is uncomfortable. I end up half on my side, on arm on the armrest and the other resting on my leg.

Riku puts his hand over mine.

Is he hitting on me?

But he's so casual- it's like he doesn't even notice where his hand is. It can't be anything. Riku wouldn't...

When I look over at him, he's concentrating on something else. He turns when he knows I'm looking, and I turn away. Okay, Sora. Say something. Quick.

"Hi, Riku!"

Okay, that was dumb.

He looks at me, amused. "Hi." He says. He runs his fingers through his hair. It's grown out... it's almost past his shoulders. He looks frustrated as he pushes it out of his face.

"Why didn't you just get a haircut?" I ask him. Damn... I hope I didn't sound rude or something.

"They'd do it wrong." He says.

"What do you mean?"

He shifts uncomfortably. "Nevermind."

I grin. "Oh. Right. You're picky about your hair, right? That's why you don't let me touch it." I laugh, but Riku doesn't. He starts staring into space again, after a moment. Maybe this isn't the best time to be teasing him. This is probably so weird for him. I mean, he's been homeless for two years and now all the sudden he's living in the house of someone he doesn't even know.

"..Erm, sorry, Riku. You okay?"

"I'm fine." He says, and slides down in the couch. He pulls a pillow over his face. I think he says he's "just tired", too.

I should get him a blanket but... agh. I don't know where they are.

I force myself up to look for where ever those blankets would be. Maybe I should narrow down my places to look:

Not the kitchen.

Or the dining room.

And not the bathroom.

I guess anywhere else is fair game. I walk past the kitchen, past the dining room, and into what must be another guest room. There's a small dresser across from the bed- but when I check in there, there is nothing but some spare sheets. I sigh and head upstairs.

The first door is Dad's room. I don't know if I should even go in there- Mom didn't want me going in her room. (Even though I did anyway.)  
The door is closed. That probably means he doesn't want me in there, right?

...Next room.

Riku's and my room. I think I'd notice if there were some there, so I'll just skip over it.

Next room.

I don't know what this room is- an office, maybe?

I'll skip it.

I flop down and put my hands over my face. It is going to be impossible to find _anything _here. But, God, am I going to find those stupid blankets even if it kills me. I slowly get up and walk back into Riku and my room. I search, I think, the entire room, save the bathroom and drawers. As a last resort, I check under the bed.

...I can't believe it. They were there the _whole freaking time._

Frustrated, I yank them out from under the bed, and hurry downstairs. I try not to be too loud; I don't want to wake Riku up. I quietly walk towards the couch.

"Hey, Sora." Riku says, lazily shifting his glance toward me.

"How long have you been awake for!" I ask.

"A few minutes. What are you holding?" His speech is slurred just slightly.

"I got you blankets. But you're not sleeping anymore, so..."

"Hand 'em over." He says. He reaches his hand out behind him, and I give him the covers.

I climb over the back of the couch, and just miss landing right on top of Riku. He curls up with the blankets around him, and I spread out again. "...time is it?"

"It's two." I say.

"Okay." He replies, and goes back to sleep.

--

Riku does wake up a while before Dad comes home. He woke up around 3:30, and it's 4 o'clock now. Dad should be coming home soon. I get up and stretch and head into the kitchen.

"Thirsty?" I ask. I open the fridge door and get two water bottles.

"Sure." He says. When I hand the bottle over, he just sets it down and slides under the covers again.

--

Dad comes home at twenty-to five.

"Sorry I'm late." He says as he walks in. "Traffic was horrible."

"It's fine." I say. Riku straightens up a little, and pushes the blankets off of him.

"I'll get dinner started soon. It won't take long, so you should probably wash up in a few minutes."

--

"I'll just wash up now." I say after a half hour or so, and grin. I turn to face Riku. "Are you coming with me?" He nods and follows me when I go upstairs, and into our bathroom.

I let Riku use the sink first. He's not looking at me anymore. I can't stop wondering why he's been acting so weird. After I wash my hands I walk over to the bed and sit down. "Are you okay?" I ask Riku. He's still standing in the bathroom doorway.

"Fine." He says. I shrug and get up to leave.

I'm halfway out the door when he says, "Sora! Wait." So I sit down on the bed again. Riku takes his time in walking over. He's turned off the lights in the bathroom, so I turn on the bedside table lamp closest to me.

He's quiet for a little while.

"Well? What's going on?"

"You know when you said you liked me?" He says it so suddenly it surprises me.

"Uh, yeah..."

"Do you still?"

How am I supposed to answer that? For a moment, I'm wondering if he's trying to trap me.

"Yeah. I do." There's a pause.

"Yeah... okay." He says.

"... Was that all?"

"Yeah."

After a few seconds I get up again.

"Sora, hold on." He says.

"Hm?"

"...I like you, too."

For some reason, hearing him say that strikes me stupid. I don't know how long I stand here, just opening and closing my mouth.

"What?" I end up saying. I sit back down on the bed. He takes a sudden interest in the carpeting.

"I. Really. Like you."

I shiver. "...Oh."

He looks over at me, and I can see he's worried. I know I'm just not doing anything, but...

"...I shouldn't have said anything." He says.

I turn over to kiss him, and he puts his arms around me. I return the embrace and we, in a tangled mess, fall over on the bed. I just keep holding him.

"I've been wanting this for so long." I tell him. "Really. I'm glad you..." He interrupts by putting his lips against mine.

"DINNER." Dad shouts.

Damn.

We still stay like that for a moment, until my stomach starts growling. I can feel my face heating up and suggest we go down for dinner.

--

We're all at the table. I'm more nervous than I was earlier. I saw how Dad freaked out when he saw us earlier, and now, with Riku and I together...

"You're both really quiet." Dad says. "You have something on your minds?" Riku and I both silently nod.

Riku would probably say not to tell him at all. I mean... it's not like it'll be _noticeable. _I'm pretty sure I don't give out gay vibes or something. ...Do I? I hope not. I pick a little at my chicken, then at the salad, and the corn. I think the chicken needs salt.

I just keep sitting here, not doing anything. Dad's got the salt.

Well? What are you waiting for, Sora? Just ask Dad to pass the salt.

"Dad, I'm gay."

No!...That's not what I meant to say! I just meant to ask about the salt! THE SALT!

Both Dad and Riku are staring at me. This was _not _supposed to happen.

Dad thinks for a moment before saying, "Ah. I as wondering when you'd figure that out."

WHAT? He... WHAT? "So is Riku your boyfriend?" He asks as he pops a piece of chicken in his mouth. Riku's sliding down in his seat now. He's looking over at me.

I nod. Dad smiles.

Then the questions start: When did I meet Riku? How long have we been together? What's Riku's story?

...And all the while Riku has his hands over his face, and he's halfway on the floor.

So, I just tell him (almost) everything. From the beginning. Why I wanted to run away, how I met Riku...skip some details, skip telling about all the times Riku's almost murdered me, skip talking about Riku's past, cutting and us making out. I explain about some of the police run-ins, and the hotel/restaurant (but not me sleeping next to Riku in my boxers). I talk about some people we met, and how it was always so hot, or so cold, and one of us was always sick. And I mention the home--mention Raye as an acquaintance and nothing more-- and here we are.

Dad just nods. "That's amazing." He says. "I wouldn't have been able to do it."

I just shrug.

"I couldn't have done it without Riku." Speaking of which, when I look over at him, he's gotten himself off the ground. He looks at me and fake-smiles and picks at his food some more.

Hm... he doesn't really seem to be eating anything. In fact, I don't think I've ever really seen Riku eat anything. I mean, we didn't have access to food that much, but when we did he still didn't eat a lot... I mean, I know it's not anorexia or whatever. I mean, I can't see Riku doing that. Maybe he just doesn't like eating in front of people. Snakes don't like it. Cats, don't either.

...Okay, shut up, brain.

"...I'm just glad to be here." I continue talking to Dad.

"I'm glad you're here." Dad replies, without missing a beat.

'I'm glad _you're _here.' I mouth to Riku. I think he understood, because he smiles at me and pops a big piece of chicken in his mouth.

--

"...And if you need anything, just come and get me."  
It's been hours since dinner. Dad and I are going through exactly what we were just going through last night. "Even if it's late- I don't care."

"Okay, Dad."

"I'm going to bed, but you don't have to. Just try to keep it down."

"Okay, Dad."

"And I work tomorrow, but I'm off Saturday and Sunday."

"Alright."

"I'm going to bed."

"Good _night_, Dad."

Dad laughs.

"Okay, I can take a hint."

After Dad leaves I can here him walk over to his room and shut the door. Riku and I change into our pajamas and I lay down on my bed and stretch out. Riku's right next to me. I look over at the clock; it's 9-something.

"So... Riku..." I start.

"What?" He sounds annoyed- I don't even know what I did this time.

"What are we? Are we...ah... boyfriends?"

Riku slides down so he's laying right next to me. He closes his eyes.

"I guess so." He says.

I brush his hair out of his face and sigh.

"Riku, I..." This is all so overwhelming. First I'm living with my dad, and now Riku and I are boyfriends and all... this has been a long few days. No, this has been a long year.

"What is it?" Riku asks. I shake my head and begin to run my fingers through his hair.

"Now that we're...ah... now that we... I mean... can I kiss you and stuff?" Why was that so hard to say? Riku gives me a look, but he doesn't seem surprised by the question.

He wraps his arms around me and we're really close now.

I close the gap by kissing him, and this time he's kissing me back.

I try and pull him even closer to me. I use one hand to kind of support his head, and his hair gets all tangled around my fingers. All of this is so surreal.

I begin to run my tongue across Riku's bottom lip, and he opens his mouth. I immediately slide my tongue in, and begin to tug off his jacket. I hope I'm not pushing my luck.

...But Riku seems fine with it all, anyway.

"Sora," Riku gasps, after our mouths are apart for a moment.

"Hm?" I don't know if he wants to tell me something, or if he's just saying my name. But, anyway, Riku breaks away and gives me another short kiss. After that, he yanks down the bed covers and we both get underneath. The sheets are cool, and Riku's body is _really _cold. And after that... I don't know if I climb up or he pulls me up, but somehow now I'm resting on top of him. I'm feel warm now... is it because of the blankets, or am I blushing?

And we're kissing again. We're both less unsure now. Somehow my shirt comes off, and Riku ends up pushing me down and rolls on top of me. He's gentle, so there's just enough of his body resting on me, but he's not too heavy and...

_oh._

Wow.

He's kissing my neck now. I squirm a little, and I don't know why... I like it. It feels good. But...

I somehow manage to get myself on top of him again and begin to stroke his hair. Okay, now it's perfect.

He begins to tug on my hair a little, just to kind of get my face closer. I wrap my arms around his neck and we're kissing again. He rolls back on top of me; I don't mind. All of this feels too good.

His shirt comes off.

I run my fingers over his back, and he starts kissing me harder. I can feel the scars over his skin- it's a little weird. But other than that... his skin is so soft. It's amazing. We roll over and I'm on top again. I kind of... nip at his ear, and he keeps pulling me closer and closer.

"Sora," He says, and tugs on my hair a bit again. When he does that I look up at him and he puts his lips back against mine. Riku's tongue runs over the roof of my mouth, and my own tongue. With one hand, I begin to tug on his pants. I'm able to get it just below his butt before he pulls away.

Oh, _crap_. Did I go too far?

"Ri--"

"Shh. Shut up." He kicks off his pants and slides down, almost completely under the covers.  
I do, too.

"Wha--"

"Shut up." He says. He doesn't sound mad. He closes his eyes and rests his head against my chest for a moment. "I'm tired."

He turns around, and that's the end of that.

I give him a soft kiss, right on the back of his neck.

"Good night." I whisper. Riku doesn't respond verbally, but I know he heard me. The way he shifted around after I said that is a good enough response.

I'm so glad Riku finally likes me back, but, _god_- he's so weird.

--

Ah! I got through chapter one. (See any familiar lines?" :p) Aggh... The make-out scenes just _kill _me.


	2. Riku: Adjusting

**Home**

chapter 2

(Riku POV)

It takes me a moment after I've opened my eyes to realize where I am.

After that, the events of last night slowly begin to come to me.

I shiver, but not because I'm cold.

God, I feel sick.

Quickly--but quietly-- I walk into the bathroom, and gently close the door behind me. I walk past the sink, avoid looking in the mirror. I fumble with the blue-shag-covered-toilet seat, trying to lift it up. When I do, I lean over and heave up what's left of last night's dinner. I flush, wash my face and hands, and crawl back into the bed.

Sora's completely undisturbed. His fingers twitch a little, along with the side of his mouth. And the more I watch him, the more I listen to the sound of his breathing-- the occasional snorts and sounds escaping from his lips-- the less I can believe what I let him do last night.

...But it's not all bad. He is... sweet. He's... nice, has good a sense of humor (even if that won't do me any good), and--okay, what the hell-- he's cute. He's adorable. I like him... I just don't know how it happened.

It's seven. I admit, I'm really surprised that I've been able to sleep in. I woke up very late (for me). Yesterday, too. And, even weirder and even more surprising, I've been getting almost a full night's sleep...

I wonder- is the Craziness inside me dying down, so I don't have the nightmares, or the horrible insomnia? Or maybe, it's sleeping so close to Sora that has me feeling less restless at night.

Gently, so I don't wake him, I lay my face on his stomach. I love that warmth- I wish I could just keep him close, and absorb some of the heat from his body into mine.

God damn it. What is he turning me into?

--

Sora doesn't stir for about forty five minutes and I'm a little glad when he does. It knocks me out of this horrible only-half-awake state I've been in. Slowly, his lips curve into a smile.

"Good morning, gorgeous." He says. He's looking directly in in my eyes. I hate it when people do that to me. I look down, and don't want to say anything. Sora keeps smiling, and keeps breathing his gross morning breath on me. "Hungry? Dad's probably up. I bet we can get some breakfast."

I look at him for a long time before I respond. "I'm not hungry." He smiles some more.

"You're never hungry."

That. Is. None. Of. Your. Fucking. Business.

"...Whatever."

Sora just laughs and kisses me. Oh, _screw off_.

He gives me another look. "Did I offend you?" He's so confused.

"Forget it."

"Riku, please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not." I'm not mad. Just annoyed.

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure." Very annoyed.

"I'm going back to sleep." He yawns. "I'm tired."

--

Soon after Sora falls asleep again I decide I should just get up. It's not like I'll be getting anymore sleep, anyway.

I slowly get myself up, get new clothes, and walk into the bathroom. I take a towel from under the sink and lay it on the floor. I turn on the shower as cold as it can go, strip down, and step in.

Holy shit.

Okay, okay. That woke me up. I turn the water to the right temperature so it's nice and warm.

God... leave it to Sora to keep asking me those stupid questions. Why does he care how much I eat? I do eat, and that's the only things that matters...

-

"_Riku, I'm worried about you."_

_Ms. Moran was sitting at her desk, her head propped up by her hands. I had pulled up a chair so I was in front of her._

_This is the way it always went when we had a "serious talk"._

_I looked down and let my hair fall in front of my face._

"_You don't eat! You don't bring lunch, you don't buy lunch... you don't bother with breakfast. You skip dinner."_

"_...Only sometimes." I said, though I knew how weak that reply was._

_She was making it worse than it sounded. _

"_What's going on?" She asked._

"_Nothing. I just haven't been hungry."_

"_Riku, you're still growing. You should be more hungry, if anything." I squirmed in my seat. After a long silence, she finally asked the question I knew was on her mind. "Are you anorexic?"_

"No!" I knew about the anorexics- always those dumb little girls trying to fit into that size 0 dress. I didn't have an eating disorder. What I had was an...eating situation. _I got nervous- between having to be near Nathan at dinnertime, and trying to avoid Nero and Kai during lunch... I wasn't hungry. _

_She looked at me hard and pulled out a paper bag._

"_Look, here's my lunch. Just have some of it today, and we'll figure out something later."_

"_Figure out something?" I asked._

"_To get you to eat more."_

"_I don't need to! I'm not anorexic."_

"_I know. I believe you. But you're underweight and I just need you to get healthier. Can't you do that for me?"_

"_..."_

_-_

...Maybe I'm taking what Sora said too personally.

He was joking, wasn't he? Just because Ms. Moran thought there was something wrong, that doesn't mean It's following me here...

Sighing, I turn off the water and take my towel. I slowly dress and begin to brush my teeth, wash my face.

I've just made the fatal mistake of looking in the mirror.

People used to tell me constantly that the older I got, the more I looked just like Nathan. My biggest fear is someday, I'll look at my reflection, and just see him staring back at me...

But...

whatever.

My hair's getting too long. I found some scissors in the drawer earlier, and I'm able to find it again quickly. Carefully, I grab all my hair from the bottom, and hack it off. All of the hair I've just cut loose falls on the towel draped across my shoulders.

I've been cutting my own hair for as long as I can remember- I've gotten pretty good at it. Though I should have just cut it while I was showering- it would have just been easier...

Whatever. I toss the towel in the laundry bin as I walk out of the bathroom, out of Sora's room, and downstairs.

--

I hoped that Sora's father wouldn't be up-- or at least not downstairs-- but he is.

"Good morning," He searches for my name. "Riku."

"Good morning."

I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable around him. I wish Sora were here to be a distraction from me...

"Hungry?" He asks. _There it is again... _

"No, sir."  
He just smiles.

"You sure?"  
I nod.

"Okay, but feel free to get anything later."

I nod again.

"How'd you sleep?" He asks.

I shouldn't have come downstairs... I don't want to have to handle all the small talk now.

"Fine..."

"Was it warm enough in your room?" _My_ room... "It's been cooling down here lately."

"It was fine." I don't need to worry about the cold when I have Sora to sleep next to.

"So, did you fall asleep easier than the other night?" I'm more than a little surprised by the question- I don't know if it's because he even remembered I couldn't fall asleep last night, or that he bothered to ask if I was better.

"I did."

He smiles again.

"Great. Why don't you sit down?" He pulls a chair near him out from the table.

"...Thanks."

--

Sora's up now. He was able to distract his dad and now I don't have to say anything.

After a few minutes, Sora's dad calls us over to the table. God, I don't want to have another "talk" with someone.

"Hey, listen, boys..." He starts. "I think this weekend you both need to go see a doctor."  
No. Hell, no. Over my dead body.

"...You were both out there for so long, and I don't know how long it's been since..." Sora's looking at me, I can feel it.

"That's fine, Dad."

"And, Riku," He starts. This isn't going to be good... "I'm not attacking you; you have to understand that. But you need this even more because you were out there so long. And because you and Sora are dating, I just need to make sure you... make sure you're both... _healthy_."

"You think I have AIDS." I say, before I can realize the words are coming from my mouth. I flinch a little, because I just put words in his mouth, and I'd get in trouble if I did that to Nathan...

"It's not that, Riku..."

_And how do you get AIDS, sir?_

He thinks I am a slut. I can't escape it. "I just want you both to be safe." He says, after a while.

He thinks I have STDs and want to give them to Sora. He thinks Sora and I are screwing. All of this is so... wrong.

I look down at the floor and just let my hair cover my face. When I glance at Sora he's staring at his feet, unusually quiet. "I didn't mean to embarrass you." Says Sora's dad. I don't know if he's talking to me or to Sora or both of us or what...

"I know." Sora speaks up for the first time in a while. "It's okay- you didn't. Well, not really."

"Sora?" His dad asks.

"Huh?"

"When's the last time you went to see a doctor?"

Sora thinks for a moment. "Um... I think when I was twelve or thirteen." His dad nods thoughtfully.

"Okay, okay. How about you, Riku?"

"I don't know." I really don't. I don't know why I didn't just lie. God damn it... I could have just said 'same here' or something.

When he doesn't accuse me of lying, or try telling me to just remember, the surprise hits me like a physical blow. He just nods and say's it's okay.

You're not living with Nathan anymore, stupid. Remember?

--

Sora's watching TV and his dad is getting ready to go to work. Before he goes out the door, he pulls me aside.

"Listen," He says. "I really don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I just want to know for sure. It's not like I think you're some kind of prostitute or anything... but I just _don't know_. I don't know you. But I'm not judging you. Do you believe me?"

I don't know. A part of me just wants to believe him, but so much more of me is just thinking, 'what's this guy's act?'

"Well... I hope you do." He hugs me--it's really short. He just puts an arm around me and squeezes me real quick-- yells goodbye to Sora, and leaves.

Eventually I sit on the couch next to Sora and lay my head on his shoulder. All of this feels really off. I feel like an intruder. Like I shouldn't be here-- and I really shouldn't.

Sora begins to put his arms around me.

None of this is mine. This couch, the room upstairs, the TV we're watching-- I don't even have the right to be here. I wonder how long it'll be before I just get kicked out altogether.

Sora's kissing my fingers.

...And it's not like I'll be here forever anyway. I can leave any time. I never promised anything more than what I'm giving.  
He's kissing my ear, cheek, neck.

Sometime after he realizes I'm not responding, he stops.

"Uh, Riku? You don't... mind, do you?" Lazily, I look up at him and shake my head. He doesn't start that whole thing up again, though. He just keeps going on about... something.

I think I just heard him call me 'baby'.

I push myself away from him. "What? What did you say?"

He looks surprised, then nervous. "What did I do?"

I repeat myself again. "What did you say?"

I don't know if I should be angry or happy or what. I don't know.

"I... uh... just asked if you wanted something to eat. I didn't mean anything by it! Really."

"No. What did you say, exactly?"

"Um..." He has this blank look on his face. "I said 'do you want me to make you something to eat,..." He looks at me, searching my face for something. "...baby.' Exactly."

It feels like this is all real suddenly. I can't leave, and I can't back out...

"Riku, what's wrong?"

I close my eyes and move to the other side of the couch.

"You called me 'baby'." I explain, as if it all makes sense.


	3. Sora: Movies

note: Sorry about the short chapters. For some reason it's really hard getting in the hang of this again... so, this is only about six pages. At least I updated this month. ":p And this chapter hasn't been beta'd yet, so I'm sorry for any spelling errors (feel free to tell me if you find some)... or any other stupidity. I just wanted to get this up today.

**Home  
**chapter 3  
(Sora POV)

I don't understand Riku at all.

"Um... I'm sorry if I upset you..." I say after a while.

"You didn't." He says. There's something in his voice I don't recognize.

"Oh. Well, I'm getting up anyway, so... do you?"

"Do I what?" He asks.

"For the third time already," I grin because I'm just teasing him; I hope he realizes that. "Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

"I'm fine." He says.

--

Riku's been sleeping, his head on my chest, for a long while now. I don't know what has him so exhausted. I thought it might be because he's adjusting to living here, and is just stressed, but he's been like this ever since he got the stomach flu a while back.

Hmm. I look over at the TV, and I don't even know what Riku found. I guess he changed it while I was eating. I gently slide the remote out of his grip and try to find something else.

"I was watching that." He murmurs.

"Sorry."

...That's kind of spooky.

"I don't care." He gets up for a moment, then pushes himself up so his head is nestled in my shoulder. I put my arms around him and we just rest like that for a moment.

--

Once Riku's fully awake he's not so touchy-feely. He's sitting on the other end of the couch, looking at the ground- obviously spacing out.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Nothing." He answers, and snaps out of his daze. After a few minutes he says, "I shouldn't even be here."

"What?" I ask.

"I shouldn't even be here. I mean..." He thinks for a moment. "I'm just making myself at home... but Sora, this isn't my house. I don't have the right..." This is so unlike him.

"Hey, that's not true. You're living here now at _should_ just make yourself at home."

Holy crap. When did Dad get home? Riku and I both jump and look up at him. I'm kind of glad he jumped in. I would have said the wrong thing. Dad puts one hand on Riku's shoulder and pats his head once with his other hand. Riku squirms a little. I watch him for a moment then glance at the clock.

"You're home early, Dad."

"I convinced my boss to let me go home early for lunch and stuff. He's a strict little bastard." He says nonchalantly. He walks over to the sink and fills a glass with tap water. After he's done drinking, he smiles. "So, are you both completely bored out of your minds yet?"

"Why?" I ask.

"There's nothing to do here." He half-smiles. "We could rent some movies tonight if you like."

"Sure."

Riku's staring at the floor, still. I don't think he and my dad exactly hit it off. Of course, this IS Riku I'm talking about...

"Anything in mind?" Dad asks as he starts fixing himself something to eat.

"Um... something that doesn't completely suck?" I offer.

"Good idea."

--

I don't know how long Riku and I have been like this.

Dad went into his bathroom upstairs to wash up, and Riku got near me again and kissed me and...

Now he's kind of... half on his side, half-laying on the couch. He's supporting himself by keeping his arms around my neck and-- I know considering what he's doing I shouldn't be thinking this-- but all I can think about if how much this must be hurting his back.

Now Riku's sucking on my bottom lip and shifting around over my lap. While still grabbing onto me, he begins running his fingers across and through my hair, across my scalp.

He shifts again and kisses my lips. I somehow get my tongue in his mouth. Riku makes that purr sound again and clutches my shirt; I begin to stroke my fingers through his hair and--

and Dad walks in.

Riku pushes himself away from me and moves to the other end of the couch. I'm just trying to straighten myself up. God, we could have at least gone into a different room, I mean...

agh! Crap.

Dad's just as stunned and embarrassed as we are. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before speaking.

"I... uh..." He finally says. "We can pick up some movies tonight. I have to go back to work soon, but..." There's a short, awkward pause. "We can just get take-out. The movie place is right next to this nice little fast food place..."

"That sounds good, Dad." I say, breathlessly.

--

Riku and I don't talk really after Dad leaves, until I speak up.

"Maybe next time we should save it for our room." To my surprise, Riku just laughs.

"Probably." He agrees.

Though I don't protest when he starts climbing on top of me again.

--

I don't know what's gotten into Riku lately, but I like it. I hope this is how he'll be from now on.

He started kissing and doing things with me a while ago, and we stopped a few minutes ago. We're just resting now. My head is leaning against Riku's shoulder, and he has one arm around me.

"Hey, Riku?" I ask.

"Hm?"

"Do you want to go out?"

"What?" He's looking over at me now.

"We haven't looked around at all... do you want to? Look around, I mean." Riku shrugs and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Sure. I'll just get my shoes and--" Before he can finish I run upstairs, dive into our room, get the shoes, and run back down. "...Let's go." He says.

We slide on our shoes and head outside. It's cool because of the fog, but otherwise it's pretty warm. If I were living back with mom, the weather would be nasty. It would be freezing outside.

While we're walking, I put my hand over Riku's. I lace our fingers together. Riku looks over at me.

"Hey," He says, sternly.

"You're my boyfriend now. We should be able to do this." He looks at me for a moment, but doesn't say anything. The road is kind of steep. We're walking by our neighbors' houses, but after a while they all begin to look very similar.

Riku makes a noise. "Huh?"

He thinks for a moment before speaking.

"Listen," He says, letting go of my hand. "I just want to set some ground rules." The way he says it almost makes me laugh. And I really should have seen this coming. "There will be no pet names. There will be no touchy-feely, no cuddly-wuddly, no hanky-panky. Got it?"

Yes, there will be.

"Okay, Riku."

I think he's kind of surprised I just agreed with him like that. He shuts up and doesn't say a word after that.

--

It smells like the ocean here.

We keep walking downhill until we reach the coast. I can't believe we're so close to the beach. Unfortunately, there's a big fence blocking the way there. At first it looked like private property, but I can see a warning sign posted right on the doorway. It's all chained up... I hope we can at least go somewhere else in the summer if this beach is closed, and...

And Riku's hopping the fence.

"Riku, what are you doing?" He doesn't answer. "Riku, are you crazy!" He doesn't answer. After he's on the other side, he asks if I'm coming with him.

"Well, are you coming?" He asks. I nervously glance over at the "closed" sign. It says something about how the beach is being cleaned up. So... if we get caught, we won't be in much trouble.

Why am I even worried about that? I mean, after being on the streets for so long, I'm afraid of getting in trouble for trespassing?

"I'm waiting for you, Sora." Riku says, almost mockingly.

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

"It's about time." Riku teases.

--

So far, no one's really noticed that we're trespassing. Maybe no one will care. Riku slides off his shoes and walks toward the water.

"You _are_ crazy!" I shout after him. "The water's going to be freezing!"

"Relax," He says. "I just want to see how cold it is." It's weird that I'm being the uptight one.

Riku sticks his toes in the water, and quickly pulls pack.

"Is it really cold?" I call after him.

"Not as much as I thought." I start walking closer to him so we don't have to yell at each other.

It's kind of foggy. Of course it would be, because we are so near the ocean, but it's not really gloomy or anything. The sun kind of peeks through the gray and...

"Hey, Sora," Riku says. I don't like the tone of his voice for some reason. He bends down and puts his hands in the water.

It's kind of warm here. There's a cool breeze, but--

_Holy... _Riku just through water at me! It's freezing!

"RIKU!"

He just smirks and gets another handful of water. Oh no, he won't. I try and get some water to throw at him, but it slips out of my hands quickly, and I'm only able to get him wet with a few drops.

The whole thing turns into a water fight; but mostly we just flick water at each other.

--

I think we've been out here for an hour before we get too cold to stay. My hands are numb, my shoes are full of sand, and my face is wet. Riku's shivering, but laughing.

When we walk back into the house, Dad's there. He's sitting on a chair in the dining room, and gets up the minute he hears us come in.

"Where _were _you!" He asks, loudly. I knew we'd get in trouble somehow... "I was freaking out! I didn't know where the hell you two were!"

"Sorry, Dad..." I mutter. Riku's suddenly shy again.

"What were you thinking?" Dad asks, sounding slightly calmer than just a moment ago. "You just left without saying anything, or leaving a note or anything!"

"We thought we'd be back before you came home..." I say, quietly. I don't think Dad hears.

"It's my fault." Riku says, sounding suddenly very brave. "Sora wanted to leave a note, but I _insisted _we'd be back before you got home." Dad's expression softens.

"It's fine but... just... don't do that again." And just like that, Dad is calm and smiling like he wasn't ever mad. "So, are we going to get movies tonight?"

"Yeah." Riku and I both say, just a little out of unison.

Dad smiles. "Okay. I'm going to take a shower... we'll leave a little later. Let's just eat out tonight, okay?"

"Okay." We say, this time in perfect unison.

Dad heads upstairs, but before he goes into his room he says, "While I'm gone... don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

...How mortifying. I look over at Riku, and he's just smirking.

"So... do you want to go upstairs?" He asks, in a quiet voice. Right in my ear.

For some reason, I turn bright red. Why am I so embarrassed? Riku begins to put his arm around my shoulder, and he's so close to me I can feel his breath on my skin.

"No, I don't want to go upstairs." I say really fast. "No, I mean, yes I do. I don't." He just stares at me for a moment.

"...Alright. Sure." He says, with a smirk.

--

Riku and I did end up going upstairs, but we didn't do anything. We just came up here, sat down on the bed, and did _nothing_.

What a rip-off.

I think Riku just did that to freak me out. Well... it worked.

Weirdo.

--

Dinner was good. Dad picks out the best places to eat at. Riku was quiet and shy all through dinner; I don't think he said any sentences with more than two words. Dad seems to already have a movie in mind, because we're walking straight into the store, following him right into a middle aisle, Dad picks out a movie and we leave. The whole thing takes maybe five minutes.

When we get into the car, I sit in the front next to Dad, and Riku sits in the back. That's just the way it goes, I guess.

After we all get snacks--chips, chocolate, popcorn, cheesy foods-- we sit down and dad starts the movie. We sit through ads for a few minutes and my thoughts began to drift. Even when the movie starts, I just can't seem to concentrate. I feel kind of bad-- I mean, I want to just watch the movie with dad, but I can't focus.

Every once in a while I look over at Riku. Sometimes he'll be looking at me, and we'll just kind of... look at each other for a moment before one of us quickly looks away.

It's getting late.

--

"Sora, come on. Wake up."

What...?

"You slept right through the movie." Dad's shaking me awake.

When did I fall asleep? It feels so weird looking at the TV-- the credits are rolling, but just a moment ago the movie was just starting...

"Why don't you both go to bed?" Dad asks me and Riku.

He puts the movie in its case and turns everything off. After that, he kisses my head. He squeezes Riku's shoulder.

Riku and I both slowly make our way up the stairs, into our room, and into bed. I don't know why I'm so tired. All I really have strength to do is pull Riku close to me, and...sleep.

--

I wake up early in the morning. It's only seven. I put my face against Riku's back and--I don't know-- I just feel really happy.


	4. Riku: Doing Fine

**important little note** I don't know if anyone's seen my profile, but I now have a livejournal account for my writing. It's where Riku's version of Runaway is now, and where's that's going to be updated from now on. (I haven't given up on it- I'm just kind of stuck.) The link is in my profile. (It's "More Writing".)

And sorry for another really short chapter.

**Home  
**chapter 4  
(Riku's POV)

I wake up in the morning after a slit of sunshine falls over my eyes. There's a window right above the bed. We didn't pull the curtain all the way across the window last night...

I don't try to fall back asleep, I don't lay back down. I pry Sora off my back, get dressed, and slide on my shoes. I slowly, quietly, carefully, walk toward the door. When I open the door, the hinges don't squeak.

I'm careful to look over, down at the living room, to make sure Sora's father isn't up.

He isn't.

I pick up speed, but remain as quiet as I can while I walk down the stairs. The whole time I keep my fingers on the railing. I make my way out the front door quickly from there.

It's cold out, and I curse myself for not bringing my jacket. How could I forget my jacket? I must be losing it...

I know I could just leave for good. I got just follow the path north and see where it takes me. But... instead, I run the other way, down to the beach.

Hardly a thought runs through my head before I'm hopping the fence, and running toward the water.

This is what I've always wanted... isn't it?

Why aren't I happier?

-

I have to curl up to get myself warm. I bet I could have brought Sora with me-- if I just picked him up out of bed he could have kept me warm and he probably wouldn't have woken up on the way here. I'd still have peace...

hmm.

--

_As long as I can remember--_

_--_

No. Hold on.

--

_I think I've just wanted a few things--_

_--_

Do I keep dozing off? What's wrong with me?

--

_I wanted to live by the ocean._

_Darry was so far away from everything._

_And someday I'd live on I live on my little house on the ocean, with Z--_

_--_

Z...?

Za...?

--

_Far, far away from Darry._

_--_

I think I'm starting to fall asleep. I should get up and leave, but... I like it here.

But I wouldn't want to be found passed out here, and I don't want Sora to panic...

So I get up and leave, but take my time getting back.

-

I know I got lucky. No one is awake when I come back in the house. Sora's father must have gone to work.

I could just go back to bed, but I'd rather not go all the way upstairs...

"Riku?"

Sora's up, after all.

"Riku?"

He sounds so tired. He's rubbing his eyes, still in his pajamas, and clutching a blanket. He looks so... young. It's really almost endearing.

"You're up already?"

"...Yeah." I curse myself again for giving a stupid answer.

He starts coming downstairs. He's walking fast- a step or two at once, stumbling over the covers he never let go of. Sora gently puts his head against my chest.

"Are you coming back to bed?"

"No."

"Please?" He looks up at me with big eyes. He's so sweet. I should be happier to have him.

I am happy.

But I feel like I should be more... more...

"You're cold." He says. He closes his eyes and rests for a moment. "I could get up..." He tells me. "But I'm so tired..."

Wait.

This isn't right.

We're starting to _talk _alike now.

"Mm. I'm getting up now." He says, but doesn't move. "Really." He pushes himself away from me, and disappears into his room.

...Our room.

I flop onto the couch and put my hands over my eyes. I don't move until Sora comes back down.

"What's the date?" He asks.

Does he think I'm psychic or something?

"I give up. What is the date?" I ask, before I can say anything too mean. Sora just grins and goes to find a calender.

-

After Sora finds out the date, he jumps right on top of me.

"Riku." He says.

"_What is it_?"

"It's September." He's quiet for a short moment, and lays down on top of me. "You know... I missed the entire last half of school."

I'd rather not say anything.

"You think I'll have to repeat the grade?" He asks, now quiet. After I don't say anything, he grins. What in hell is he up to...? "My birthday is in a month."

"Congratulations."

He just grins even wider. I'm frightened; really.

"Hey, Riku?" He asks, curious-sounding.

"_What_?"

"When's your birthday?"  
For a while I don't say anything. I think I'm still not used to people asking questions about me. And really caring.

"...It was in August."

Sora shoots up.

"It _passed_ already? Why didn't you tell me about it?"

I roll my eyes. "Of course, you're passed out from the heat and I'm going nuts. I'm just going to jump up and say 'Hey, it's my birthday! One less year _until I die_!'"

Sora slides off of me altogether, and crosses his arms. "I hate when you talk that way."

I just snort.

-

"So," Sora says, a while later. I don't know if I like the tone of his voice.

"...What?"

"What are you getting me for my birthday?"

"Tact." I mumble.

"What?" He cocks his head to the side.

"Nothing." And I dismiss the entire subject with the wave of my hand.

-

I think Sora is a little too touchy for me. He just lay down on me, head on my hip, arms around my waist.

And he won't get the hell off. I keep shifting around, hoping that he'll get uncomfortable and move, but I think he has every intention of staying put.

Ass.

-

Sora and his father are talking quietly in the next room.

I fell asleep.

Again.

It takes me a moment to fully wake up. I'm drowsy, and can't really get what they're saying.

"...but maybe not."

They've stopped talking. Sora's dad walks into the kitchen first, then Sora.  
Sora's dad looks over from the sink.

"Hey, kid. You awake?" He asks. He knows I am, but I raise my hand and give the smallest wave, anyway.

It's funny- I don't mind that he calls me kid. It's not like how I called Sora kid, or when Nathan called me just "kid" or "boy", like a substitution for my name. I know that he means it more like... just an affectionate nickname.

But, if I don't mind that, then why does it bother me when Sora does it? I mean, he's my... boyfriend. I should at least be able to tolerate it. Alright, maybe tolerate isn't the word. I should at least be able to... well, _handle_ it. There's a part of me that just wants to let go. Just let Sora go for it, do whatever he likes, and I could just lay back and go for the ride. But, I'm just so _petrified. _It's like I'm not ready for all these simple things that most everyone else in the world is used to. The pet names, the love and attention, it's all so much to deal with...

"Hey." Sora's dad says, running a hand through my hair. Okay, _that _bothers me. "You okay?" He laughs. "You were thinking really hard. I don't want you to burn yourself out."

"I'm fine." After I say it I realize how careless I sound. So, I have to sit back up and try again. "It's nothing. Sir."

Nathan, it's your fault I can't talk to him. I'll never be close to him.

Hold on, hold on. What am I talking about? _I'll never be close to him? _I'm not _planning _to get close to him. I'll be out of here in a few weeks, anyway.

I won't have to worry about anything like this again.

I won't have to worry about having a relationship, or being close to anyone. It'll be like this whole thing with Sora never happened. I'll be out there alone again. And, who knows? Maybe, when I turn eighteen, I'll still have my little house by the ocean... I won't have to worry about Nathan finding me and taking me back to Darry...

Wait, wait, wait. Take me back to Darry? _Nathan_? _Nathan doesn't care about me. _He's told me so many times, if I ever ran away, he wouldn't ever take me back... and he didn't, that one time, when the police called him...

_they said he disowned me..._

"Hey, kiddo? You alright?" It's startling when Sora's dad speaks up again. "You look so sad..."

"I'm fine, sir."

Is this why Sora always used to ask me how I was feeling?

I wish I could just skip ahead two years--_just two years!--_and be, legally, an adult. It's not like all of my troubles would be over. But, I could do so much more... I could have that house, and live with--what? with Sora? ...No, because I'll be gone by then.

Sora will move on after I leave. He'll be just fine... A part of me just wants him to tell me that, maybe, this all was a bad idea. That all my problems are too much for him, and he'd rather just have a normal boyfriend, and I would be free to go. But, there's this really pathetic, pitiful part of me that is terrified of him doing that. Of facing rejection again.

Why did I let myself get close to him?

Sora's dad, suddenly and without warning, pulls me into a hug. "Come on, cheer up." He says, quietly.

"Nothing's wrong..." I try to explain, but he doesn't hear. He's too busy rubbing my back, and telling me I'll be alright. That things are alright. It's like he's knows for sure; it's reassuring, and...

I don't mind it.

-

It's lunchtime now. I think it's really kind of interesting the way Sora and his dad interact with each other. They're so... alike. They're always smiling and laughing. I wish I could be happier, join in. But I just wonder how come Nathan and I weren't like that. Sora nudges me in the shoulder.

"You alright?" He asks.

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

I'm not hungry, so I excuse myself into Sora's room.

...Our room.

Except, when I go upstairs, I don't really go into the room. I sit by the railing, and just watch Sora and his dad.

And think.

-

Shortly after Sora's father goes back to work, I come back downstairs. I don't want to deal with Sora's father I don't know why. He's so caring-- I just wonder what the catch is.

I sit next to Sora on the couch--_You're living here now and _should _just make yourself at home_-- and don't say anything. Sora's flipping through some book, obviously not really reading it, until he notices me there.

He grins.

"Hey, Riku."

I don't respond right away, but I feel like if I start hesitating, he'll think something's wrong.

"Hey."

But nothing's wrong.

I think.

----


	5. Sora: A question

_**author's note:** _woo! 6 pages. That's actually pretty good. I'll try for seven next time. It's hard to make these long; there's not enough going on yet.

Home

chapter 5

(Sora POV)

It's a bit before lunch. Dad's at work, and Riku's been next to me on the couch for a while, lost in thought. I end up watching the news, which is weird. I never watch the news... I think it's so depressing.

The lady reporting has big hair, and a gray suit on. She's sitting at a desk, looking straight at the camera.

"..._And earlier today, a young boy was found dead. Police say he died sometime last night. He was staying with his grandparents, who had not been home when the boy got sick . According to his grandmother, he had been very feverish. She said nothing else on the case._" The reporter looks completely unemotional. Like it's just another day on the job. She keeps talking about what the police suspect was wrong with the boy, and how it could have been prevented if his grandparents hadn't just neglected him. She ends with, "_He was six years old."_

Cut to commercial.

I don't know why, but it makes me think of Riku. When I look over at him, he's looking at the screen, but not really watching. I wonder if he was watching that one report?

Hold on. Why do I care?

Because Riku had crappy grandparents, too? Because it could just make him think about that and send him completely off?

"That's... really sad." I say, carefully.

"I guess." He says. He doesn't really sound like he cares.

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

--

I'm trying to ask Riku about all that stuff, without getting him depressed. His grandparents, his foster homes... basically, life before Nathan. Because... he never talks about it or anything. I thought that would screw him up, with Nathan just kind of adding to it. But it's like Riku doesn't even care about all that stuff.

But I'm afraid to bring it up.

But I will before tomorrow. For sure.

--

"Riku?"

It's been a while. Not quite an hour, but close.

"What?"

"Nevermind. Sorry."

He sounded too annoyed. I won't ask him yet.

I'm not chickening out next time.

_--_

I just wish Riku weren't so hard to talk to. I'm so worried that he'll get depressed or mad at me. He's better, yeah, but what am I supposed to do about the depression? But if he doesn't seem to care... what am I getting so worked up about?

Well, Dad's going to be home in a few minutes, and I guess after we have lunch I'll ask Riku about everything...

I reach over run my fingers through his hair. Riku looks over me and smiles.

He looks really nice when he smiles.

I notice then that Riku's not wearing his jacket. That's a change-- he always wears it. The scars on his arms aren't looking too bad.

"Riku, when's the last time you cut--" Oh, no. That completely slipped out. I just blew my chance of asking him about his grandparents, and now...

"I haven't for a while." He says. "You know, I never did it as much as you thought I did."

"...Really? That's a relief." Please Riku, don't be lying to me.

He shrugs. "Yeah. I haven't... seriously done it since I was... I don't know. Fourteen, at the oldest."

"But what about the time I had to get you to the hospita--" I just want to ask him the question, but he cuts me off.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." He says.

"But--"

He closes his eyes and slides down. "Quit pushing me."

It's weird when he says it that way. No "_I'm _done _talking_ about this". No "shut up". It makes me feel bad.

"I'm really sorry."

He shrugs. "It's fine." Riku puts his feet up on the coffee table and laces his fingers together over his stomach. It looks like there was never anything wrong with him. It's scary in a way how he just changed like that. And he's not acting this time.

I hope.

He looks so carefree and... normal.

He looks over at me when he notices I'm staring.

He laughs nervously and says, "What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No, nothing."

He shrugs again and goes back to looking at the TV.

Soon, he looks back at me.

"Okay," He says, "I know something's up. Come on, tell me."

"I want to ask you something but I think it'll make you mad so I don't want to ask!" I blurt out.

He's quiet for a moment.

"Sora. You are not getting into my pants."

...That's not even what I was going to ask! Does he really think that!

He looks at me for a moment. "Sora... I'm _kidding_."

"...Oh."

"Oh, I'm glad. Now I know I'll be able to sleep tonight, knowing my kids aren't planning to get friendly."

Riku and I both jump.

Dad is so freaking quiet... I didn't even know he was there!

"I... uh..." I stutter for a moment, trying to think of something. "When did _you _get here?"

Dad looks around. "What is it?" I ask.

"Nothing." He says. "Just making sure this is _my house_."

Riku slides down even further into the couch and quickly pulls on his jacket.

Dad laughs.

"You're so _quiet_." I tell Dad.

"Well, I have to be," He says. "Or else I wouldn't be able to spy on you two." He laughs again and I do, too. Riku looks freaked out.

--

Dad goes to wash up, but Riku and I stay on the couch. Riku's lost in thought.

I tell him, "You think too much. You should make out with me more."

He looks up at me. "...What?"

I smile and laugh and hug him. "Just kidding."

"Very cute." He says, rolling his eyes. He smirks at me when he thinks I'm not looking.

--

After lunch and after dad leaves, Riku's the one who brings up the question I've been dying to ask.

"So, what were you going to ask me ?" He asks.

I say, "Nothing." Then shake my head. "I'll talk to you about it later."

And I will.

--

I like that I can touch Riku now-- I put my arm around him, and put my free hand on his-- and not get yelled at. I lean over and kiss his lips; it's short, but sweet.

Riku seems happy until Dad comes down, talking about getting that appointment at the doctor's.

"I'm trying to find a really good doctor who'll be free soon. I'll let you know when I can get something done." Dad says. He and Riku look at each other for a long moment, until Dad looks away. "Now, who's ready for dinner?"

Riku doesn't look too happy.

"Riku, you okay?"

He doesn't answer.

--

...But we all make it through dinner alright. Riku and I go upstairs and into our room.

Riku says, "I'm going to take a shower." and doesn't come out of the bathroom for about four thousand years.

When he finally does, I'm in bed. He crawls under the covers next to me. I put my arms around him, and put my chin on his head. Riku's hair is still really wet, and smells good. I tell him so.

He smiles and says, "Thanks." I kiss the top of his head and run my fingers through his hair.

"Hey, Riku?" I ask. This is it. Okay, Sora, if you just don't mess up and say the wrong thing, Riku won't get mad, and your life will be spared.

He makes a curious sound. "You know that news report we were watching earlier?" Riku nods. "Well, actually... it made me think of you. You know, you and your grandparents and all."

There's a very long silence.

"Yeeeeah...?" Riku says, finally.

"And I'm just wondering... didn't that... affect you at all?" I add, quickly, "I mean, you never talk about it."

"Of course it affected me." He sounds mildly annoyed, but the next part comes out calmer. "Of course it did. But... Sora, I was _so young_. Just... there are really just bits and pieces I remember..." He adds, hesitantly, "before Nathan."

"Really?"

He nods. "I mean, I remember what happened." He closes his eyes. "I remember the people from some agency, coming to... the house I lived in with my grandparents. After they left. They wanted to kick us out. But... I guess they got worried when they saw it was only me there. They tried to talk to me but I... just ran out. I ran until I couldn't go any further. ...A-and a-after that, after they eventually found me, a few days... maybe even a week later... I was sent to the... I guess it was an orphanage.

I can remember the woman I told you about before, the college student? And just bits and pieces of foster homes. I remember more about my aunt. But so much of it is a blur."

I begin to stroke Riku's hair.

"There's even a lot of things with... with Nathan I can't remember. That I really don't want to remember." He winces. "I don't want to remember _any _of it."

He opens his eyes again. "I guess I gave you more information than what you asked for."

I smile. "It's fine. How are you feeling?"

He frowns and says, "Tired."

He rolls off me and turns over. I start to kiss the back of his neck, but I guess he doesn't want it because all he did was tense up.

"Good night, Riku." I say.

"Hmm." He says.

--

I wake up some time during the night. Riku's sleeping soundly. That's good. I know he hasn't been sleeping well lately. I sit up and run my fingers through his hair. It's all dry now, but the pillow is still a little damp. So, it hasn't been that long since I fell asleep. Riku looks like he's doing better than a few nights ago when he just couldn't get to sleep.

Wow. It feels weird that all of this... that just less than a week ago, I had no clue where my Dad was. Riku and I weren't together. And just a few weeks ago, Riku was having mood swings--so to speak-- like crazy. We were running from the police. And just a month ago, Riku couldn't stand me.

This all feels weird now. I guess I never really thought about it that way before...

...And I really think I can save the rest of my thinking for tomorrow. I'm tired.

Carefully, so I don't wake him, I lay back down and put an arm around Riku. I bury my face in his back, and close my eyes.

--

I wake up again early in the morning. The sun hasn't even risen yet. I turn over to my other side, and hear Riku tossing and making noises. I look over, and can't tell if he's awake, too. So, I turn back toward Riku and watch him for a few moments.

He winces, and his eyes open; just slightly. I brush a lock of hair out of his face, and his eyes open completely.

"Sora?" He asks. His words are slurred.

"Can't fall asleep?" I ask.

"Just woke up." He murmurs.

"Have a bad dream?"

He doesn't reply right away.

Finally, he says, "I had... a dream."

"Tired?" I ask. He nods his head and closes his eyes. I smile. I shouldn't keep him up any longer, then. "Then I'll let you sleep." He slides down a little, and clutches onto my pajama top.

He makes a sound that sounds like: "Cmeere."

Ohh! It was "come here." So, I slide closer to him, and he puts his arms around me, with _his _chin resting on _my_ head.

It's really nice; I like it a lot.

I like this all a lot.

His skin is still very cool, but he doesn't feel like a corpse anymore.

And... he twitches a little, but I don't think he's having a nightmare.

Most of all, it's still reassuring to hear the sound of his breath, and the feel of his chest rising and falling as he breathes.


	6. Riku: the Dad

_Author's note:_ Well, here's a bit longer chapter. I'm glad to say it wasn't hard to write a chapter this length. Hopefully they're just keep getting longer from here. I think they will be... there are some somewhat big events happening soon.  
And about Sora's last name. It's not like... LOLZOR KINGDOM HARTZSSS or anything... I actually have a little story about how his name came to be, but I'll spare you the details. I just want you all to know that it is NOT A PUN! XD Ah, and also, there shouldn't be to many annoying typos on this one. I went over it like an anal retentive freak.

_Disclaimer:_ (Did I even do this the last 5 chapters?) I don't own any of this. Blaah. characters © Disney, SquareEnix... you know. (DON'T SUE ME, DISNEY!)

**Home**

chapter 6

(Riku POV)

I thought I'd feel bad about telling Sora all that stuff last night, but I don't. Maybe what I feel right now is something similar to relief.

I watch Sora sleep, because I don't know if I should wake him up or not. He looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. I wish I could sleep like that. When I turn over, I can see that my orange bag is leaning against the dresser.

I don't remember it being there.

Hold on, that must mean...

--

_I remember it now. It was early, Sora's dad came in. I was already awake, but tired and groggy. _

He said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? I just came to bring your things up. You left them downstairs." His words came out naturally. It didn't sound like he was telling me all of that as a lie.

_He smiled at me. "It's early. Get some more sleep." He said it so kindly. It wasn't a command; it was advice._

_--_

I don't like the thought that someone was touching my things. Maybe I'm just being over protective, but it feels like an invasion. I feel this compulsion, like I need to check my things and make sure everything is there.

Especially my knife.

But... I don't want to go through it. I don't want to find anything that will bring back too many memories...

--

_Za...?_

_Za...?  
--_

I think I'm angry.

Maybe not angry, maybe just frustrated.

I sit up, and let myself fall back down. I use more force then necessary. The mattress bounces and I hit my head against the headboard.

Oh... just... FUCK.

This isn't going to be a good day.

Sora winces and rolls over.

"What's wrong?" He asks, quietly. Tiredly.

I'm about to respond, but he's already fallen asleep.

Okay, fine.

Sleep well, kid...

-

Well, I've showered, dressed, and done everything I can to avoid going downstairs.

But I'm getting hungry, and don't want to wait until Sora's dad is gone to eat.

This shouldn't be hard: I'll come down, he'll say "Hi." I say, "Hi." He asks how am I this morning and am I hungry?

I say, fine, you? and yes, I am hungry.

...I hate small talk. I don't _do _small talk.

But I can't sit up here and starve.

Slowly, I walk downstairs.

Sora's father is at the table, like I knew he would be. He's drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. He looks up at me and smiles.

"'Morning." He says.

"Uh..." Damn it, I'm freezing. What's wrong with me? _This doesn't happen to me._ I don't freeze like... an _idiot_. Sora does.

Not me.

Now, say something clever.

"Good morning," I say, before the pause lasts too long.

...That's fine for now. "Sir." At 'sir', he looks at me, with this... _look _on his face. I can't tell what emotion it is.

I don't like that.

"Hungry?" He asks.

"A little," I lie. I'm absolutely _starving_.

"Want me to get you something?"

I don't want to make him get up and make me something. But I don't want to go searching around his kitchen.

"I can get something." I decide. Sora's dad nods approvingly.

"I'm just glad you're eating."

I wince. _There it is. Again. _He frowns. "I didn't mean anything by that."

"It's fine." I say. "...Sir." He gets that look on his face again.

I walk into the kitchen and make toast. I can see he has a lot of coffee, and orange juice, and milk, but that's all.

"...Sir?" For the first time, it occurs to me that I don't know Sora's dad's name. I can't call him 'Sora's dad'. I don't think I even know their last name. "You don't happen to have any tea, do you?"

"No." He says. "I don't. But I'll pick some out at the store if you like."

"It's fine." I say.

"Do you like a certain brand, or type?" Either he doesn't hear, or he's ignoring me.

"It doesn't matter." I say. I just get water and sit down. And _finally _eat.

Sora's dad is reading the newspaper again, though every few minutes I can feel him looking at me. I take a sip from my cup and gag. I wasn't expecting water; I got really used to tea with breakfast when I lived with Nathan. That and alcohol were the only things he would touch.

Hmm. Nathan. I'm really torn as to how I feel about him. I hate him, and I hate what he did to me. What he turned me into. He was messed up, he was everywhere but where he should have been. But... I think of all those little things about him--all those little, unimportant things that no one else knew about him. Kind of like how he only drank tea and alcohol. His favorite color (deep purple), smells (any cooking spice), types of alcohol (it depended on his mood, but he went for beer most often) ... and... I don't know. It makes me feel... what? Closer to him?

But then I think about how little he knew about me. How little he cared. How little he was concerned about knowing me. The little things, like my favorite color (yellow), smells (my shampoo), or even the big things. Like... I don't know. That I was living every day being tormented, feeling completely worthless, and, eventually, began to harm myself.

I just wish he had cared about _something._

When I look up, Sora's dad is looking up, too.

Okay, Sora's dad, why are you looking at me like that? Why are you asking me what's wrong? Why are you walking over and holding me?

Why don't I hate it?

I don't understand you. I don't understand this whole family. I'm nervous and want out of here.

Before he pulls away, he whispers something in my ear. I almost miss it.

It was, "You don't have to call me sir."

Then what am I supposed to call you?

-

Soon, Sora comes downstairs. Again, he is able to distract his father. Until the worst thing that could happen, happens.

Both of their attentions are on me. I think one of them asked me something. I wasn't paying attention.

Damn.

I..._damn_.

So I ask, "Huh?"

...A very intelligent answer.

"We wanted to know if you need anything else from the store." Sora says. "Because Dad's going to pick up stuff."

"I'm fine." I say to Sora, but I'm shooting a look at his father the whole time. Not a glare, exactly, but close. Enough to say, _leave it alone._

He smiles and shrugs, like he's saying, politely enough, _no freaking way._

"Riku?" Sora asks loudly. I think I missed him talking to me again. I think that my boyfriend is beginning to rub off on me.

My boyfriend.

Huh.

"What?" I ask.

"Do you want anything else to eat? Dad's making me an omelet." I look up at his dad again, quickly. Whatever-I'm-supposed-to-call-him doesn't see.

"Sure." I say. "I'll just have what you have."

I can feel Sora's dad smiling, satisfied.

_Oh, see, Riku? If you eat breakfast you will magically be better._

I wish.

I wish it were that easy...

I glance over at the clock on the microwave. It is eight o'clock. Usually Sora's father is going to work by now, and...

I look around the table. To one side, there is a small calender, propped up on a small, plastic, clear holder.

It's Saturday. He's not working today.

Damn.

It's not that I want to get rid of him, it's just that I don't know if I'll be able to last an entire day with him. But what am I talking about? This is his house. I must be stupid to be thinking this way.

-  
By nine thirty, Sora's sick. He's lying on the couch, head buried into a pillow. Apparently, Sora's allergic to eggs. He has to have them cooked a certain way or else he can't eat it. His father immediately jumps in to help out Sora in any way, and I feel useless, just standing here not knowing what to do. If we were still on the streets and Sora were sick, I would know what to do. But now, with his father here, helping, taking care of everything, I just don't know...

"Riku, go get some blankets, would you mind?" Sora's dad asks, not even looking at me. "There's a closet by the guest room downstairs, I think there's some in there."

I feel stupid. Useless. As I walk away, I can hear Sora's dad asking him questions: "Do you think you're going to throw up?... Do I have to call over a doctor?"

I close my eyes and sigh.

-

Sora's fallen asleep. He's covered in this thick green blanket, and he looks so peaceful. His father and I are sitting on the other end of the couch. Sora legs are resting over mine. I stroke them, absently.

"You know, I know about Sora's allergies. I can't believe I didn't think of it." Says Sora's dad. "I think I'm really bad at this whole parenting thing."

What am I supposed to do? Is this where I'm supposed to tell him how great he is? Hell, _I_ don't know if he blows at parenting or not.

"No, you're not..." I say, slowly, unsurely.

He looks at me.

"Oh! Sorry, Riku." He says. ...What? "I don't want to put you in a position where you have to compliment me or anything. ...I'll just shut up now." He smiles.

...Okay, sure.

-

Sora's legs are twitching now. He's waking up.

I open my mouth to speak, but his dad gets there before me.

"Are you okay?" He asks. I just sit here, not talking. Like an idiot. Slowly, Sora nods.

"I still feel sick, but it's a little better..."

"I don't know why I didn't even think about your allergy..."

Sora shrugs. Maybe he feels as awkward as I do.

"It's okay." Sora says, then snuggles back down and goes to sleep.

-

By ten, he seems to be feeling almost completely better. He's himself again, if not a little subdued. He lays his head on my lap.

What...? He's doing this with his dad sitting right next to me?

Slowly, I begin to stroke Sora's hair. His dad looks over and sees, and just smiles.

Maybe I am paranoid... Sora looks so happy, and his father just doesn't care.

What was I expecting?

Oh, I know. I was expecting him to get mad. How dare someone like me lay a finger on his son? And why the hell was I just going around like I own the place?

Something like that.

So I put my hand on Sora's knee.

His father still isn't angry.

This is... different.

-

By twelve, Sora's fine.

-

At one, he's eating again.

-

And by two, the time it is now, he's up and chattering away about something. After he's done talking, I just... look at him. Really look at him. In a way, he really seems to have grown since I first met him. He's much less ignorant. Less obnoxious.

But still cute. And I like that.

He sits down and lays his head on my chest.

"So... I'm feeling better." He says. I just smirk.

"I can tell." I say.

"I'll have to remember not to eat eggs again."

Sora's father says, "Someone staple a note on my forehead to remind me not to make eggs for him anymore."

That gets Sora to laugh, but doesn't really impress me.

_Who _are _you?_

-

Sora and I go upstairs after a little while. I've just finally gotten him off my back, so I'm just walking around. Now that I'm not so exhausted, I notice how... huge this room is. True, my room in Nathan's house wasn't small, but it still seemed very cramped.

There's not a lot in this room. Just a place to put clothes, a place to sleep. Hardly any paint. It's obvious Sora's father had nothing to do with this room, and just left it.

I don't care all that much, though--

...god... I think my breath has caught in my throat. Here is something I definitely haven't noticed before...

there's a balcony. I rush over, and open the glass door.

"...Rik--?"

Sora calls for me, but his voice is muffled once I am out and have closed that beautiful glass door. The balcony overlooks this plush, green, backyard. Not the kind behind Nathan's house; that pitiful little patch of dirt and cement, where not even a weed could grow.

_This_ is... amazing.

"Hey, Riku...?" Sora asks, opening the door and stepping out. His hand is laid gently across his stomach.

"Huh?"

"You just disappeared." He says. "You aren't mad, a--"

"I'm not mad." I say. "I'm just a little... restless." I know I gave him more information that what he asked for, but he seems satisfied. He rests his face against my back.

"Riku." He says. As much as I'm glad he's been cutting out the pet names, I'm starting to remember how annoying it is that he feels the need to say my name every fifteen seconds.

I don't know what to say, but I feel like I should say something boyfriend-y. I settle with, "Feeling better?" He says he is.

And then I-- for no reason, and completely spur-of-the-moment--turn and kiss him. It's quick and I turn back around when I'm through.

But he doesn't seem to be satisfied with that. He tugs on my sleeve and puts his lips up against mine. He loses balance, so I am pressed against the railing. He has to stand on his toes, and keep his arms tight around my neck. He runs his tongue along my lips, but I don't open my mouth. It's almost funny how he just keeps trying, but I won't do anything. He pulls away and gives me this pathetic little frown before he's trying again. He pulls away this time, and I brush my lips against his ear. And when I'm close enoughthat he can feelmy breath against his cheek, but far enough that he won't really hear me, I say: "When are you going to realize I'm not going to do this?" I smirk and pull away, kiss his forehead, and leave. He looks so lost.

"Riku... Riku, wait!" He says. But I don't wait.

-

A while has passed, and now I'm lazing around on the bed. Sora keeps looking over at me. I think he's huffy over what happened.

Hmm. Whatever.

-

But he hasn't tried anything again between then and now. We're quiet all through dinner. I'm about to go up into Sora's room, when his father motions toward me to come over.

"Hey, kid." He says, and hugs me. He motions to me again, and we go and sit on the couch.

"Yeah?" I ask after a minute or so. He's sitting so he is facing me, and I am facing him. He sits cross-legged.

"You don't have to call me sir..." I think that's all, but he starts talking again. "You can call me Mike if you want. ...It's my name, after all." He smiles. "Or you can call me Mr. Hart. Or you could even call me Hey You Over There, because a lot of people call me that anyway." His face softens, he puts his hand on my shoulder. "Or you can, you know... you can call me Dad."

I instinctively look down at the ground. Call him Dad...? I couldn't. I've never had anyone to call "Dad"...

Sora's father... _Mr. Hart..._ hugs me again and gets up. "Rest up, okay?" He says. "We're going to start having some busy days soon."

I forget about even the _thought _of calling him Dad when I'm distracted by that other thing he said.

We're going to start having busy days soon.

What the hell does he mean by _that_?


	7. Sora: the Girlfriend

_note: _I know I always mention Riku showering, but never Sora. Just for the record... Sora DOES shower.  
_another note:_part of the reason I'm uploading this is because my computer had a meltdown and I don't want to lose this. I proofread and so did someone else. But I think she was half asleep. ;D Punk.  
_last note: _I changed the titles of the chapters so they'll be consistant and easy to name.

_Home  
chapter 7  
(Sora's POV)_

Riku came to bed late last night. He seemed... I wouldn't say out-of-it, but something was up. I asked about it, but he never answered.

It's seven in the morning and we're both awake. Neither of us have said anything. Neither of us have moved. We just lay on this bed, my head resting on his, and his on mine. His eyes are closed, but I can tell he's awake from the way he keeps shifting around.

Finally I do something. I turn over say softly into his ear, "Good morning." I brush a strand of hair out of his face with my finger. He turns around.

"Good morning." He says.

We don't say anything more.

Riku's arms are at his sides, so I put my arms at my sides, too. Riku looks so tired and so lost in thought...

I put my hand on his, and he glances over. "Sora." He says. It sounds like he's going to say more, but he doesn't.

So I say, "Riku." We smile, even though it's not that funny. After a moment, I speak up again. "What are you thinking about?"

Riku looks over at me. There's something weird in his eyes. He says, "Your d..." But doesn't finish.

And we don't really talk after that.

--

I soon put my hand back on Riku's. Again, he glances over. But this time, I turn over and lay my face near his. He reaches over, puts one hand behind my head, and pulls me near. Our faces are very, very close. Our noses are almost touching. I hold his hand and lace our fingers. I don't know which one of us makes "the first move", but suddenly we're even closer and our lips are pressed together. I want to stay like this forever. I slide my hand up his shirt and let it wander across his back. Once he pulls away, I figure he's finished, but he isn't. He kisses my neck, and then my cheek, before going back to my neck. This is like a dream--and if that's all it really is, I never want to wake up. I take my hand out from under his shirt and stroke his hair and face. Our lips are touching again, and he opens his mouth a little, and suddenly our tongues are brushing together as he slides his into my mouth. We go on like this for a few more minutes before he pulls away again.

This time, he really is ending it.

"Don't you think that's enough for now?" He says. He sounds so careless-- like none of that was anything to him. It only bothers me a little, but...

"I... guess..." I reply not-so-smoothly.

He shrugs. "I'm going to go take a shower." He gets up, grabs some clothes from the drawer, and walks into the bathroom. I hear the door shut and, a moment later, the water turning on.

I guess he really is done.

--

It's been about fifteen minutes, but it feels longer. What is he _doing_ in there? I can still hear the water running. He shouldn't be too much longer, should he? Maybe just shampoo and then he can get out?

Maybe it's a good idea for me not to think of what my boyfriend (my boyfriend!) is doing in the shower now... unless I want to start thinking dirty thoughts.

Which I guess I don't.

--

Exactly seven minutes later he emerges from the bathroom.

"You're still here." He says, sounding a little surprised.

"I waited." I reply with a grin. He looks a little uneasy at that but I don't know why.

He's quiet for a moment. "Don't you want to go downstairs?" He asks.

"Okay, I'll go." I answer, getting up to pull clothes out of the dresser. Riku doesn't look while I change. "...I can take a hint."

"That's not what I--" He starts, but I grin and wave it off as I leave.

I expect Dad to be gone when I get downstairs, but he isn't. When I get to the dining room, I sit down next to him. He ruffles my hair and takes a sip of coffee.

"How'd you sleep?" He asks.

I nod. "Good."

"Hungry?"

"Yeah."

I get myself something to eat and Dad keeps reading the paper. He looks tired. I ask him about it, and he says he didn't sleep well last night.

Hmm.

Soon, Riku comes down. Everyone's completely quiet; it's driving me crazy. There's some tension between Riku and Dad but I don't know why. I hope they haven't decided they hate each other... Dad leans over and says something to Riku that I can't hear.

I think I'm being dissed.

Dad goes back to drinking his coffee, but Riku just looks at him for a moment before going upstairs.

That was weird.

--

I want to go upstairs with Riku, but Dad keeps telling me to leave him be.

No one will tell me what made him so tired.

Or... "tired".

So I'm sitting on the couch, flipping through some magazine, with nothing to do.

Until, that is, Riku comes down and sits next to me.

He doesn't _look _tired...

"How are you?" I ask.

"Fine." He says. "Why?"

"No reason."

We're quiet. "What was Dad talking to you about earlier?" I ask.

"None of your business." He says with a smirk.

I begin to stroke Riku's hair and, for some reason, it occurs to me how little I really know about him. I mean... I know about stuff that's happened to him. Even when we played that game where he'd tell me something and I'd tell him something... we'd ask about each other's old homes.

I don't know who he is.

"What's your favorite color?" I ask, completely out of nowhere.

"Yellow," He says without missing a beat. "Why?"

"No reason." We're quiet for a moment. "Yellow, huh?"

He nods. "Yellow."

A long pause. "What's your favorite animal?"

He looks at me. "And why are we playing 20 questions?" He asks. There's this cocky tone in his voice that seems so natural.

I reply, "I... just don't really know you. I don't know anything about you."

Riku looks at me for a moment, closely. "I'm not my favorite color, Sora." He taps me once on the forehead and gets up off the couch. He doesn't seem angry.

"And just for the record," He says, "I like birds."

"What kind?" I ask, nearly shouting as he heads up the stairs.

"Any." He shouts back.

I tell him I like pandas, but he closes the door too quickly to hear me.

The doorbell rings. That's weird... it's kind of early. I look over at the clock.

It's 11:00? Already?

I guess it isn't so early, then. I'm about to get up when Dad jumps up and rushes to the door.  
There's a woman. I don't know her.

...Well, duh. Of course I don't know her. I haven't even been here for a week yet. I move over on the couch to get a better look at what's going on.

The woman says, "Where've you been? You haven't called like you said you would." She doesn't sound nagging, just like she's making an observation.

"I know, I know," Dad says. "I've been really busy... I just didn't think to. I'm sorry."  
She says it's fine. Dad gets closer to this woman and starts talking quietly; I can't hear what's going on.

Suddenly Dad steps back and calls, "Hey, Sora! Come over here."

I slowly walk over next to Dad's side.

"This is Sora." He says, pushing me forward just slightly. The woman is tall, just slightly shorter than Dad. She has this kind of blonde-red hair tied in a low pony tail. She reaches out and shakes my hand.

"Mike never stops talking about you." She says, and glances at Dad for a moment.

"Sora," Dad says, "This is Sandy." He pauses. "My girlfriend."

For a moment I don't know what to say. It's weird that Dad has a girlfriend, but it makes sense. I mean, he and Mom aren't together anymore so...

I stand here for a moment like an idiot with my mouth open until Sandy starts laughing. Dad joins in, too. He invites her in and to sit down. They were supposed to have lunch together today...

"Do you want me and Riku to leave for a while?" I ask.

Sandy laughs and says, "Aww. I don't want to kick you out."

"You aren't." I say, quickly. "Besides, we haven't really looked around here or anything."

Dad thinks for a moment.

He says, "Take my cell phone." And takes the phone from his back pocket and hands it to me. I go get Riku (who I think is kind of confused because I haven't told him why we're leaving at all), Dad gives us some money, and we leave.

I slide my arm around Riku's waist as we walk. We're going in the opposite direction of the ocean.

"Have you ever noticed how alike we are?" I ask, suddenly.

"What do you mean?" Asks Riku. He sounds somewhat bored.

"Like, the stuff we've been through. It kind of parallels."

He raises an eyebrow. "Do you spend a lot of time thinking about this?"

"No. Well... kind of," I admit. "I used to think about it a lot when you hated me." Riku flinches slightly when I say that part about him hating me. "And I never really talked to you about it. But I'm just making conversation." Riku nods vaguely, and I continue. "We were both pretty much raised by one parent, right?"

"What makes you say that?" Riku asks coolly.

"You said that your mom was..." I try to remember the words he used. "Mentally unstable." Riku scowls and nods. "I guess I just figured..."

"Go on." He says.

I nod once. "Right." I'm quiet for a moment before continuing. "You were in a few different foster homes, right? From our talk the other night. You said foster home_s_."

"Yeah."

"And my mom dated a lot of different guys. So that's kind of..." Riku nods. "And we weren't exactly the most popular people in school." Understatement of the year. "I mean, I had Donald and Goofy, but..."

"Kai was nice to me sometimes." Riku says, thoughtfully. "It was generally better when Nero wasn't there. The kids didn't feel like torturing me was so important. And there was also..." He's deep in thought. "I don't know." There's a pause. "Was all of that out loud?" He asks.

I laugh. "Yeah, it was. You're starting to be like me."

"Scary." Riku says.

Very scary.

--

There's a small store up ahead. Since this isn't exactly a small town (or a town at all, really) I'm not sure how far we'll get without a car.  
What am I talking about? We used to walk for miles and miles, all day, every day...

Well, anyway, it's weird to see a little store like this in the city.

"Let's go in." Says Riku, of all people.

When we open the door a bell chimes. "You," Says an old lady at the register, once we walk in. She points at us and squints. "I don't know you." Her voice is loud and strong. She's not some frail little granny.

"We just moved here." I say.

She examines us. "I see." She says.

This is weird. "I know everyone who shops here." She says, like a warning. Apparently, it's mostly people from the surrounding neighborhoods.

"We live just down there," I say, motioning to my right.

"I don't know of anyone who's moved out." She says.

"Well, we live with Mike Hart. Do you know him?"

"Ah," She nods. "Mitchell."

...Huh? This is all too weird.

"I'm his son."

"I didn't know he had a son." She seems suspicious, but it's not making me nervous. Maybe the paranoid...ness from running away is gone.

"I used to live with my mom."

"Divorce?" She asks. I nod. "It's a shame," She says. "So many young people getting divorced. It's so hard on the children." She goes on for a little while before saying, "And who was that?" She's so loud, and the subject change is so sudden, I jump.

"That's Riku," I look around, and he's gone. He's still in the store though, somewhere; the bell would have sounded if he left. "He's..." I don't know if I should just say he's my friend. I don't want to lie. I'm not ashamed, I just don't want to make any enemies. "...my boyfriend."

She nods and "ah"s, knowingly.

"I'm Mildred." Says the lady, even louder than she was before, as she walks behind some door for employees only. "I own this store."

I wait for a moment before looking around for Riku. When I find him he glances over and raises his hand for a moment in a weak wave. I do the same. I walk over and he pulls me into a short hug. He kisses my forehead and, for the first time, I really feel like we're together and this is all going to work out fine. I wonder if Riku's feeling the same right now? "Do you want to get something for lunch now?" I mutter against his chest. He doesn't really reply.

He says, "Alright." And pulls away. I can't help but notice that his hand is over mine as we leave.

--

We end up eating at a place similar to where we ate when we got movies the other day. It's a nice sunny day, so we eat at a table outside. Riku gets something small and finishes quickly, but I'm still eating.

"I feel stupid for getting so much. You got like, nothing." I say with a laugh. Riku shrugs. He's been staring at me for a while now... it's a little unnerving. "Need anything?" I ask, finally. I grin.

"Huh?" Asks Riku.

"Thinking?"

"Yeah." Riku replies. "Thinking."

"I'm telling you," I say, waving a French fry at him, "You need to make out with me more." He picks up a fry from my tray and throws it at me; it hits my nose.

Once he's nice and lost in thought again, I throw a fry at him.

He throws two at me.

Oh, it's _on_.

We ignore the dirty looks from adults around us and throw the French fries at each other until they're all gone. The seagulls are happy, though. They start clearing the ground of the food almost immediately. I toss the rest of my lunch, but, for some reason, we don't leave. I lay my head in my arms and Riku strokes my hair once. We're quiet.

Finally, a worker comes over. "If you're finished eating, could you please _leave_?" She asks.

No problem.

--

On the way back home, I grab the sleeve of Riku's jacket. (I can't believe he still wears it.) He looks over and I pull him into a kiss.

"Let's go to the beach." He says. So we walk past the house and down to the beach. I'm not as worried getting caught this time as we jump the fence and walk toward the water. Riku lays down on his back and closes his eyes.

I crawl on top of him, put one finger near his nose, and wait for him to open his eyes again.

When he does, he grabs my hand and pulls me down on top of him.

I press my lips against his and just... stay there for a moment. I pull away after a moment. Here's a fear I haven't had in a little while: did I make him mad? Does he not want me touching him? Because he's just not responding at all.

...Until he wraps his arms around me and kisses me back. We don't waste any time; his tongue is in my mouth right away. We roll over so now he's on top. I somehow figure out away to get back on top. I slide my arms around his neck and we stay like that, kissing, on the beach...

He finally puts his arms around me-- tight, around my waist.

And we kiss and roll over until I end up on top again. I can feel the sea water start to brush against my legs. It's cold and... wet.

"We should go." Riku whispers into my ear.

"Do we have to?" I reply, even though I guess I agree. I hoist myself off of him and he gets up, brushes himself off, helps me up. He puts his arm around me as we walk back home.

When we get back in the house, Sandy and Dad are talking on the couch.

...Well, _I hope _they're _talking_.

And I look over to see aaand... they are.

Thank _God_.

"We're back," I say. Riku goes straight upstairs.

"I should go," Sandy says, standing up.

"You don't have to," Dad replies.

"No, I really should. I have to get to work soon." She smiles. "It was nice meeting you," She says to me and gives me a quick hug. "I'll call you." She says to Dad.

"Sounds good." Dad replies, standing up as well. He walks her to the door, they kiss, and she leaves. "So?"

"What?" I ask.

"How do you like her?"

"She's nice."

Dad's still looking at me; I think he wants more of an answer. "I like her." He grins.

"I'm really glad." He says. "Want to help me out with dinner?"

It's only 3:30. "I know it's early, but this is going to take a while to cook."

"Yeah." I say. "I'll help."

--

We eat at six. Dad, Riku, and I are all quiet while we eat. I guess we're all tired, or hungry, or just... lost in thought. Eventually, Dad says: "So, I talked to my doctor today."

Riku and I look up.

"He recommended another doctor for both of you, and I have an appointment set up for you both next Sunday."

Riku stops eating and slumps down in his chair a little. He doesn't eat much after Dad's announcement, and excuses himself early. After he's gone, Dad asks, "Did I say something wrong?"

"Riku doesn't like doctors." I reply. "And he's..." I don't know if I should tell Dad or not, but I figure that I have no reason not to. "He's afraid of needles. We're probably going to get some kind of shot when we go, right?"

Dad nods. "Sure."

I shrug. "I don't know. He's just really afraid of needles. The whole thing, maybe. Just going to see a doctor..."

Dad nods. "Well, his reaction makes sense now. Should I talk to him?"

"I don't know." I don't want Riku to find out I told Dad that he's afraid of this stuff. I think he'd kill me. "Don't."

Dad nods and gets up. "Alright. I won't." He keeps looking at me as he begins to wash his plate.

"What?" I ask.

He says, "Nothing. Want to give me a hand?"

--

After I'm done helping Dad wash the dishes, I head upstairs. Riku's laying in bed with his eyes closed. None of the lights are on, but the window above the bed is open. The moonlight just slightly lights up the room. I crawl up on the bed, gentle, so as not to disturb him.

"Riku?" I ask, quietly. I squash down the impulse to call him by another pet name. "Riku? Are you asleep?"

He says nothing.

"No, I'm not." He then says, loudly. I jump and just about hit the ceiling.

"You scared the _crap_ out of me, you know that?" I say as I lay down next to him.

"Sorry." He says, but there's that cocky tone in his voice again. We're quiet for a moment. "Hey, Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"You know when you asked me for my favorite animal?" He asks.

"Yeah...?"

"And I said birds." He continues.

"Uh huh?"

"Well, I've changed my mind." He says, after a short moment. "Birds aren't my favorite animal."

"Then what is?" I ask, then yawn. I think I'm starting to get tired..

"Fish." He says, and a long pause follows. "I like fish."

I smile and kiss him on the cheek. "I like fish, too." I reply. He's grinning, I can tell, and flips over and--for real this time-- falls asleep.


	8. Riku: Old possessions

Note: This chapter's really short, so the next one's coming tomorrow. I just want to read it over one more time. I'm not too happy with it but I just can't figure out why.

_Home  
chapter 8  
(Riku POV)_

_Or you can call me Dad...  
_  
I'm still thinking about all the things that Sora's father... or... _Mr. Hart _has said to me in the past few days. When he quickly whispered something to me yesterday--I haven't scared you off, have I?-- and of course our talk from the day before that. Call him Dad...? Is he crazy? I guess it's not hard to just forget about it and let my mind wander for a little while, but when it comes back to Mr. Hart, and it always seems to, well... I don't know.  
Of course, it beats thinking about Darry and all of those other things I'd rather forget.

Alright, I'll take what I can get.

I can't tell if Sora's awake, and if he isn't, I don't really know if I want to wake him up yet. He looks so happy and sweet when he sleeps. And he's not as annoying. I get up- I think I slept in my clothes last night-and go downstairs. I know that Sora's father--no, Mr. Hart, will be down there but I guess I don't really care this morning.

I go straight into the kitchen and make myself a cup of the tea that Mr. Hart really did pick up the other day and sit down right across from him.  
I guess you could say I'm feeling courageous this morning.  
Or masochistic.

He's reading the paper so he's not paying too much attention to my existence. I like getting out of the small talk, but it bothers me that he doesn't know I'm here. It could be some weird thing about wanting some kind of attention-- I don't know.

When he looks up from the paper he spots me and smiles.

"You're up early." He says. "Are you always up this early?"

"Yeah." I say. Definitely masochistic...   
We sit for a while in silence; I keep at my drink even though I can feel Mr. Hart looking at me.

"Hey," He says, suddenly. He glances over at the clock--something I can only assume is habitual-- and curses. "God, I have to go." He gets up and gets his jacket from the couch. "But I'd really like to speak with you later today-- tell Sora I left, will you?" I hesitate as he grabs his briefcase and walks to the door. "You're not in trouble." He says as he opens the door and leaves.

The house seems empty, suddenly. I wonder why he wants to talk to me? I hope it's not something bad.

No, he said I wasn't in trouble.

God, I'm sounding pathetic. What the hell do I care if I get in trouble with Sora's dad? What am I turning into? This is all crazy...

I ignore Sora as he comes down the stairs and pouts as he realized he just missed his dad.

I start to head upstairs, and I think the only word to describe how I feel as I accidentally brush against Sora on the way, is giddy.

What is he doing to me?

I just have to keep telling myself that I can't let it last. That Sora's just another habit that I will break myself of in the future. In the near future.

I guess it's time for me to look through the orange bag now. It's just been sitting against the dresser for days, and my curiosity has finally gotten the best of me. I can't remember all the things I have in there and I know that this is probably going to bring back crappy memories I could live without.

But... it's just sitting there. And it has been. And it's driving me insane.

I sit down right in front of it and slowly open the zipper. The first things I pull out are my plentiful pieces of first aid equipment. Alright, nothing too bad yet. I pull out old food and an empty water bottle-- it's not like me to keep things like that. Next are spare clothes and shoes, and I'm kicking myself for forgetting about them. My gum is still in there-- I really do have some spare pieces after all. Good. Nothing I take out is too bad, or brings back any memories.

The next part doesn't go so smoothly.  
Here are Tairuyo's pills. Here's an old 'Missing' poster I tore off of a convenience store window. My knife.  
And...  
I close my eyes as I absently finger Nathan's blue cap. I don't know why I took it as I left when I ran away from him... I pick it up and place it in my lap. Nathan really liked that cap. He never wore it much-- I never really saw him dress casually like that. But when he did have to play the "perfect father" act, he'd rub my shoulders and brush my hair from my face, and he'd take the cap off his own head and place it, gently, on mine... And he'd talk about me, addressing me to people as "my son".  
"My Riku"...

I put it on. I place one hand on the brim, and the other behind my head, on the adjustment strap. I quickly take it off again, and just...look at it.

I... damn. There's a strand of his hair, still inside. My hands are shaking as I place the baseball cap aside. Foolishly, I begin to look through the last of my things.

The last horrible thing, the last of what's in my orange bag, are the pictures. Not just the ones Sora saw. No, there are more than that. Old ones of Nathan and Mom and Auntie when they were younger. Ones of me and Nathan. Some of the foster parents who I lived with and grew close to. One of Miss Moran. There aren't that many pictures-- not even ten, but they feel like they weight tons in my hands. Slowly, I place them aside as well.

This was a bad idea.  
Horrible...  
Catastrophic...

I close my eyes again. God...

"Riku." Sora's voice snaps me back to reality, somewhat. "Dad's home for lunch. He's eaten and so have I. Sorry we didn't wait. But anyway, he wants to talk to you."

God... not now.

"Riku? Are you alright?"

"I'll be down in one minute." I say, trying to keep my voice even. What have I done to myself? Why have I done this to myself?

Slowly, I make my way downstairs. Sora isn't there, and I'm glad for that.

Again, Mr. Hart pats the space next to him on the couch. I hope this is going to be short. I feel drained and groggy and horribly out-of-it.

"Hey," Mr. Hart says, smiling. I barely manage a weak nod.

"Mm." I say.

"I've been meaning to ask you about... hey, are you alright?" After he says that I realize I've sunken into the couch and nodded off.

"I'm alright. I'm sorry..."

"Don't be." Mr. Hart replies automatically. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I reply, automatically as well. "Nothing's wrong."

He puts his hand on my shoulder, gently. "Don't." He says. There is no force in his words. I look up at him.  
"Don't hide. What's wrong? What happened?" I look away and don't respond. "Riku, you're scaring me."

I close my eyes. "I'm okay. Can we talk later?" I whisper a pathetic little "please?" He's rubbing my shoulder now. I should tell him to fuck off.

I close my eyes and sleep.

-  
I do feel a little better after I wake up, though I know I've been napping way too much lately. I can smell something cooking and look up over my shoulder, to the kitchen.

For one thing, it's five in the evening.

Mr. Hart is cooking something that smells pretty alright. Sora's helping out, and that just kills me.

--_  
Nathan was a fantastic cook. He made these beautiful, exotic dishes that were absolutely out-of-this-world.  
I'll give him that.  
I'd sit upstairs, in my room, and I'd be able to smell whatever he was cooking. I'd just...long to be there with him, helping or even just watching his graceful hands at work. I wanted him to teach me how to be amazing like him._  
--

I know any other day, praising that fucking freak Nathan like this would make me physically ill. But... something's up today.

"Dinner's ready." Mr. Hart says. I go and sit and eat with them, but I don't say a word.

...God, look at me, gushing over Nathan and thinking up some imaginary "good times". Yeah, times were good, eh Riku? How about the times he'd beat you until you bled? How about when he'd call you a liar right to your face, in front of anyone who could get you out of his house, away from him, safe?

He was _never_ there.

_He was never there._

--_  
One night I had a nightmare and couldn't fall asleep. I'd been sick a few days before, and tried to convince myself that that was the cause of all of it.  
Anyhow, I felt my way through my dark room, and out into the hall._

_I stood for a long time looking at the door to Nathan's room. I stood shivering--maybe from the cold, but also for other reasons, I can't explain-- and thought. Finally, I knocked on the door. I knocked three times, and the silence that followed seemed odd. That silence lasted for a few moments that felt like hours, and I almost knocked again._

_Nathan opened the door and leaned into the doorway. "What is it?" He asked._

_"I had a nightmare." I said simply. He said nothing but kept looking at me. "I can't fall asleep."_

_"What do you want me to do about it?" He replied, finally. God, I wanted him to keep me company. I wanted to stay with him-- not even the whole night, just a little while. Mama was gone, visiting some relative; I wouldn't take up too much room._

_I wanted to scream at him, get him to tell me that everything would be okay._

_But... I didn't say anything. I opened my mouth to, went, "I...", but I finally submitted with a shrug._

_"Boy," Nathan said, suddenly awake, his voice stern. "Go back to bed." He was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, I was stupid enough to think it would be something other than: "NOW."_

_And it wasn't._  
--

Of course, that all would have been expectable if I had needed him before. Maybe even many times before. But... I never went to him for anything. It's not as if he ever made it easy...

"Hey Riku do you want dessert after dinner?" Sora speaks so fast I almost miss every word he says. I don't want him to know something's wrong.

I smile at him and say, all-too-wholeheartedly, "Sure!"

I look down at the food I've hardly touched quickly, but not quickly enough to miss the confused, squinty-eyed, furrow-browed look Mr. Hart gives me.  
I guess I don't blame him... I was weird today.

But it was a weird day.  
-

After we're all finished eating, Mr. Hart tells us he's going to the store. He forgot to pick up something and he can get the desert while he's there. Sora offers to go, but Mr. Hart says it's fine and he can stay if he'd rather. He glances absently over at me when he says it.

Does he think I'm crazy? Does he think I need Sora to monitor, to watch over me? ...I think I'm just imagining things.

"Do either of you need anything else?" He asks casually.

"I don't think so." Sora answers, then looks at me. After I don't respond for a moment, Mr. Hart starts suggesting things.

"Any food you like? Chips, fruit? Soda? What about some other things? Do you need a different brand of aspirin? ...Condoms?"

I think Sora and I both double-take at the same time.

Condoms? He thinks that Sora and I are... and even if we were... God! How could he... why would he encourage it?

Finally, Sora speaks up. "DAD!"

Mr. Hart's flinching and speaking fast. "Look, if you are doing it and are just afraid to tell me... I figure I can't stop you and you might as well be safe!"

We're all quiet. I hide my face in my hands.

"We aren't." Sora says, quietly. "I promise. We aren't. We haven't."

"Never." I add in, embarrassed, babbling like an idiot. "Never." Sora looks over me for a moment when Mr. Hart announces he's leaving.

It's just Sora and me now. But... it's so awkward. Damn Mr. Hart and his stupid condom talk...

Sora looks at me finally and says, "What do you mean, "never"?" After I don't respond, he begins to laugh. I do, too, actually. It eases the tension. He sits back close to me and puts his hand over mine. He lays his head on my shoulder. I take that hand and clasp it in both of mine. He smiles at me and slides down and now lays his head on my chest.

Something about this all feels oddly nice and I make sure to take advantage of it while it all lasts...

Mr. Hart isn't gone long. After he gets back we eat dessert, but I'm so spaced out I just don't notice anything until Sora goes upstairs, to bed. It _is_ a bit late.

Mr. Hart gets up. "Come over and sit on the couch with me." He says.  
I do. "Do you mind telling me what happened today?" He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Are you nervous about going to the doctor's? It's been a long time." He speaks as though he knows everything. I don't like it, but it doesn't bothers me as much as it normally would.

"Yeah. I think that's it." I lie.

"Nervous about having to get shots, maybe?" Damn, Sora. Did you tell him? I guess I'm going to need to have... a talk with him soon.  
But I nod, as hard as it is. Maybe in this case it would be better to just give him at least a half truth, like I should have done when Sora saw my arms in the hospital a month back. The lie is almost worse on my behalf than the truth. "I just want to tell you not to worry." Mr. Hart's voice snaps me back to reality. "You'll be fine. But talk to me if you're worried about anything, alright? Don't hesitate. I don't care how late it is or what I'm doing... just, if you need it, call." After I don't respond, he speaks up again. "I really, really don't want to scare you off or smother you. But... just think about it, alright?" He squeezes my shoulder and gets up. "You might want to go to bed soon, eh?" He smiles at me for a brief moment before he goes upstairs.

...God, he has no clue.  
He doesn't know why I hate needles. Well... the hell if I do, but still...  
He doesn't know what's really wrong.  
And that's when it occurs to me: he knows nothing about me.

So, Mr. Hart, don't _you_ worry. Ignorance is bliss, is it not?  
Stay totally oblivious.

Because that's just the way I like it.


	9. Sora: the Doctor

**Important! Please read: **FFnet is having a serious glitch. For some reason, all of my chapters are gone. However, you cans till get to the other ones (besides chapter 1--it's just gone) by replacing the 1 in the URL. ( http/www. fanfiction. net/s/2724417/**1**/) change the one in bold into a nother chapter between 2 and 9, and it goes back to normal. I just reported the issue and I hope it gets solved soon. :\

Home  
chapter 9  
(Sora's POV)

So, today's the day. Dad's at work, but he'll be coming home soon to take us to the doctor's. I know Riku'd be anxious, but I didn't think I would be, too.  
Well... I AM.

He should be home any minute. But... I have other things so concentrate on right now.

"Sora, not so hard." Riku murmurs.

"Sorry."  
I keep going; Riku's head tilts back a little and he sighs. I wasn't so sure he'd be up for this when I suggested it, but he was. I see him mouth something, very vaguely. I think it's my name. "want me to switch now?" I ask him. He shrugs.

"Go ahead." He says. I take his other foot in my hands and begin to massage that one instead.

"Feel good?" I ask. He smiles and nods. I can hear the front door open and shut; even all the way up here, in our room, with the door closed. I take my hands off of Riku's foot, rub his leg once, and get up. He glances at me but doesn't say anything. "Time to go." I say, even though Dad hasn't told us to get ready to leave. We both get our shoes and goes downstairs. Riku's been quiet all morning. I mean... he's always quiet, but even more so today. I don't blame him.

"Ready to go?" Dad asks, even though he knows the answer. I nod. "You both alright?" I nod. No sooner than he says it we're in the car. I sit in the front with Dad again, and Riku sits in the back. I squeeze his hand quickly, then I turn around and buckle up. Dad starts the car shortly. I glance at the rear view mirror, over at Riku. His shoes are resting on the seat and his hands are resting on his knees. He's staring out the window. I don't know why, but I suddenly get the vision of me and Riku in the police car when we got caught that one time.

The ride seems like it takes forever. When the car finally stops, I don't want to get out. Riku does, though, and follows Dad into the main office without saying a word.  
I follow.

It's been so long since I've been to see the doctor...

As Dad registers us I hear one lady behind the counter ogle at how pale Riku is. Apparently he does do, because he looks really annoyed.

Shortly, someone calls us in. As she leads us to a room, she says that we both look a little thin and pale. Well... she looks at Riku when she says the pale thing. She asks us if we've been eating and sleeping regularly, how long it's been since we've seen a doctor, and if either of us have used drugs. She tells us that the doctor will be there shortly.  
I sneak a glance over at Riku for a moment before Dad starts making small talk.

The doctor arrives in a minute or so. Her name is Dr. Moore. She brings in an assistant who I can't take my eyes off of. His name tag (he has a name tag, unlike the nurse at the hospital who made Riku freak out) reads Dr. Hardy. He's cute and I'm immature so I dub him Dr. Hottie from here onward. Dr. Moore asks a lot of the same questions the nurse who called us in did.

I was afraid that this was all going to be serious and that we'd be treated like we had some horrible disease. In reality, it's just like a normal physical. Dr. Moore and Dr. Hottie are really nice. Eventually, though, we have to get blood drawn. I'm looking at Riku the whole time, from when Dr. Moore announces that we need to do it to the moment we arrive in another room where it's going to happen.

I go first. I keep on looking at Riku (he's not looking back, which is good. I don't want him to know I'm staring). Partly to keep an eye on him, partly so I won't have to watch the blood coming out from my arm, and partly so when Dr. Hottie takes a hold of my arm he won't see I'm blushing.

I'm nervous the whole time that Riku will freak out. Even Dad is keeping one hand on Riku's shoulder.  
Please don't.  
Please, please don't, Riku.

I get up and Riku sits down on the chair I was just on. I mouth 'are you okay?' but he just glares at me. He slides down in his seat as Dr. Hottie puts that weird little wet fabric pad on his arm. He stares at the ground the entire time and generally spaces out. I can see his other hand shaking. It's cold in here, but I don't think that's it. I can see Dad smiling at him and, I don't know if it'll make Riku mad or not, but I walk over next to him and hold his hand. He glares at me again but he doesn't move. I can hear Dr. Moore ask Riku about his arm. The scars. He doesn't reply. He looks so far away right now.

It ends, finally. We're asked to go back to the room we were in originally. There, Dr. Moore tells us when we can expect the results of our blood tests back.

"You both need to gain some weight." She says. "When you get the results of the blood test back we'll give you sheets with your ideal weight, and those things. It'll be hard, but you'll both get back into the swing of things. You'll be healthy again, and not so scrawny, or pale." She not-so-subtly shoots a look at Riku.  
God, poor Riku. "The nurse'll be back here in a minute, then you can go."

Dad gets up and shakes her hand. "Thanks Dr. Moore." He says. "I know you had a busy schedule today."  
Dr. Hottie goes up to shake Dad's hand. I thank Dr. Moore and she shakes my hand. Riku curls up and chooses to stay out of the hand shake fest. When Dr. Hottie comes up...something isn't quite right. "Thanks, Dr. Hottie." I say.  
...Shit! Okay, okay. Backtrack, Sora. Do something! "DR. HARDY." I say, again. He gives me a look and leaves with the doctor.

Now I can feel Dad and Riku staring at me. They're polite enough not to say anything, but it's hell waiting for the nurse to come in. She basically tells us all the common sense stuff. Eat well-balanced meals, but don't over eat. Get exercise. Don't exhaust ourselves. Get eight hours of sleep.

And after she specifically tells Riku to get more iron in his diet to help his coloring, he explodes.

"LISTEN, you idiot." He says. Dad and I both jump and look over at Riku. What did he just say...? "I am this color. I was born this color and I am going to die this color. My mom was this color and if, God forbid, I ever reproduce, chances are that my children will be THIS COLOR, too. SO LAY OFF."

...Wow. Just... wow.

Even the nurse steps back. She's quiet for a long time. We all are.

"Well... I'm sure you're all busy today so you can leave now." She says, finally. She can't wait to leave, I can see it on her face. "Don't forget to sign for your next appointment."

We're quiet all on the way to the car. Dad finally speaks up after we're halfway home.

"That was really quite something, Riku." He says. Riku shrugs and looks down. "Are you alright?" He asks, voice now soft. Riku shrugs and nods, then looks out the window. I'm still reminded of getting arrested. I reach for my sweater sleeve-- it's just reflex-- when I remember it's not there. That I gave it to Raye that one night that feels like centuries ago.

Well, at least that now that I'm thinking about him, I know I'm not confused anymore. I look in the rear view mirror, at Riku, and I know he's the one for me. No questions asked. As we get out of the car and into the house, I just can't stop thinking about how happy I am to have him, to have him with me, here...

"What do you want?" Riku asks once he realizes that I'm staring at him. Whatever!

"I was just thinking about how great you are, but now you're getting on my nerves," I tell him, partly joking, and partly hoping that Riku isn't going to act like an idiot of the rest of the day. "And now I'm not thinking it anymore."

"Yeah, whatever you say." Riku says, rolling his eyes in a way that's saying "what a weirdo".

And I'll say it again: whatever!

--  
Riku acts like an idiot for the rest of the day.

"Do you want something to drink or something?" I ask him when we're both sitting on the couch. I make sure not to slip in any pet names because that really seems to freak him out. I ask if he'd like a drink because I now know he doesn't like to be offered food. "I'm getting up anyway."

He tells me to leave him alone.

What is his problem?

Eventually, I go upstairs. Riku went up a few minutes ago, but he's not the reason I'm going. When he sees me he doesn't look happy.

"I'm going to take a shower." He says, informatively.

"Great." I say flatly.

"There's not going to be anything for you to do." He has the nerve to say.

"I didn't come up here to see you." It's hard to not add in something really mean, even if it is unlike me. Riku snorts and goes into the bathroom. Well, maybe a shower will do him good. Maybe he'll come out feeling better and not like a lunatic.

And suddenly, Raye isn't looking so bad.  
(Ha, ha.) No... I'm completely over him. But I did promise to keep in touch and it would be nice to talk to him again. Kiss or no kiss, he's a nice friend.

It then occurs to me that I have no friends here. I haven't met one person, besides Mildred and the doctors. They don't even count.

What if I can't make friends? What if it's not that my classmates were close minded… or something? What if it was me? No... that won't happen. I'll make new friends on my own, not just because they're the kids of people my mom are friends with. Everything is going to be fine. I am going to have a lot of friends, I will do well in school, I will be healthy, and Riku will get better and not be crazy!

Everything will be fine.

I hear the water stop running and, a few minutes later, Riku emerges from the bathroom. It took him a lot less time than it did the other day.

"Hey Riku." I say. "How are you feeling?"

He tells me to leave him alone. Again. I'm glad he's the one who leaves because I just got here and I don't want to go, but I also don't want to be around Riku if he's going to be a jerk like he is now.

I haven't gotten over the embarrassment of calling Dr. Hottie that to his face, and I've just been trying not to think about it. The rest of the day is pretty uneventful... I hang around Dad a lot.

"Are you bored?" He asks, with a smile. I shrug.

"I guess so."

"How about next weekend we go out shopping to get you and Riku some stuff to keep you entertained? Books, movies?"

"That sounds good." I reply, putting my head on the table. 'Thanks." I lift my head back up. "Dad?" I ask a minute later. He hums a response. "Do you like Riku?" I don't know why I ask it. It just... comes out.

"I don't really know him. Why?" He shifts in his seat after I don't reply. "Sure, I like him." He changes his answer again. "Well, I wouldn't marry him." And eventually he just says, "Sora?"

I shrug. "I'm not liking him too much right now." I feel a bit bad for saying it. He's my boyfriend now, so I should think it's cute when he gets moody. But... it's true. Dad laughs and that surprises me.

"Is he driving you nuts? Well, don't worry. You've been together constantly a long time now and it's bound to happen. Just wait until you start making other friends and go your own ways a little bit, when school starts." Even though I know that Dad doesn't even know half of the problem, it makes me feel better.

"You think I'll make friends?" I ask.

He just says, "Of course you will." And that's it. We're quiet for a little while.

"Dad, why did you disappear?" It's another thing that just pops out. He looks at me.

"Because I was unhappy and I knew I couldn't stay." I look down again.

"I was unhappy too." I say, quietly. He reaches over and puts his hand on my arm.

"I'm sorry." He says. I figure he's not going to add on to that, and I guess it's OK. But he does. "But I wrote to you and... Jesus, I know that's not enough. I was always so torn about whether to just take you and keep you with me, or to keep you with your mother." He's quiet before adding: "She really needed you."

"...You wrote to me?" I ask.

He looks confused and nods. "I wrote a letter to you the night I left--a really long one-- and another letter with my number, I after I moved in here. I wrote to you once in a while but stopped after a year or so, after you didn't respond. I guess I assumed you would be so mad at me for leaving. But now... I suppose your mother threw them out. Maybe she didn't realize they were meant for you." He looks down for brief moment. "And maybe she did."

I feel more anger toward Mom. How could she do that to me? "I don't want to turn you against her, Sora." Dad says, finally. "She wasn't exactly in her right mind." We're quiet. "Let's have an early dinner. I'll start on it in about five minutes. Why don't you wash up and help me? We can talk more if you like."

"Sounds good, Dad." I say, getting up. I smile.

It's 4:00 already.  
--

Making and eating dinner go smoothly. Riku stays quiet, so we don't start arguing and neither one of us says something rude or snippy in front of Dad.

Until after dinner. Riku and I go up to our room, and something gets us fighting. I don't know what.

"I said leave me alone!" Riku shouts.

"But I didn't even do anything!" I shout back.

"Yes you did. Quit trying to act stupid."

"I'm not acting." I retort. I then catch myself, but not before Riku mutters 'damn right'. "...Stupid." I finish. He turns away from me, obviously not going to say anything else. "Why are you doing this today?"

"Doing what?"

"Acting like... a huge bitch!"

Riku sits on the bed and puts his hands behind his head. "Why does everyone call me that?" He asks, not sounding angry or like we've just had a fight. "I mean, everyone always goes for bitch. I'm not a girl. Wouldn't bastard be more effective?" I don't reply. "Maybe it's because I really am a bastard that people don't call me that. Like... I know I shouldn't have been, and I know I'm only here because my parents tended to screw around. But I hate being reminded of that. On the other hand, 'bitch' is pretty fucking demeaning." I never even thought of it... "You think it's because I told you that people used to call me that that it kind of stuck in your mind and that's why you used it?"

Finally, I respond. "I guess so." I say, about both the bastard thing and that last part. Riku shrugs and I lay down next to him. It's still light out, and pretty bright at that.

Riku... I wish you could just tell me what you're feeling instead of closing me out. Just tell me, 'I'm stressed and worried and I'm going to be acting weird and mean for a while, but I don't really mean it. Be patient with me.' Even just 'I'm stressed' would be fine. I hope someday you can just forget about your walls or pride or whatever it is that makes you close me out and just remember that I'll understand and that I'm here and I'll never ever judge you. That I love you.

I put my arm around him and he smiles for a moment. He moves a little closer to me and we just... lay here for a while.

...Wait. Does he mean the things he says when he's stressed?

-----

_Author's note: _I really wanted to give Dr. Hardy a Hispanic-sounding last name, but I couldn't come up with a name that sounded like "Hottie". : Um... just felt like sharing. I hope you all haven't already lost interest in the story-- it's going to be a long one and it's just starting to pick up.


	10. Riku: Attempts at Rebuilding Barriers

**This note is important. **This is going to be a long-ass story. I think I need to make the events faster, and update more. Story-wise, it'll be twice as long as Runaway. Chapter-wise, it'll be kind of long, but I'm certainly trying to make it NOT twice as long as Runaway. Opinions? "Oh go ahead, make it long, I don't care" or "Dear lord, girl, you gotta wrap this stupid thing up?" I'm seriously worried about this, especially because of the lack of success this story has been getting as of late.

Also, I am very afraid that Riku's POV chapters are going in circles. He really is supposed to develop (so to speak) slowly, go through periods of wanting to leave and wanting to stay. But it's repetitive. Riku _is. _But this story shouldn't be…

By the way, are you all sick of Sora's dad yet? XD Whether you all are or not, less of the, erm… "bonding" will be happening in the next few chapters as I get more things to focus on.

**Home**_  
_Chapter 10  
(Riku's POV)

Still laying in Sora's arms. I can't believe how much I enjoy myself with him-- when we do these stupid little boyfriend things. I turn over and when I catch a strand of hair in his face I flick it out of the way. The apprehension from going to, and being at, the doctor's office and getting examined is almost close to gone.

But right now, I want only to concentrate on me and Sora and, for once, the moment.

"So, what do you want to do?" Sora asks, completely ruining the mood. Well, kiddo, right now I have the strong urge to dunk your head in the toilet for speaking up. I smirk, but don't reply for a while. I just don't feel like it.

"Nothing that involves sex with you… much to your dismay, I'm sure." He turns bright red and starts babbling like an idiot-- just as I wanted. You're _too _fun, Sora. He announces he's going to change into his pajamas. Fine by me; I wouldn't mind getting a few minutes to be alone.

He comes back out of the bathroom shortly and flops down on the bed. A few minutes is right… I smirk again and put my arm around him.

"What?" Sora asks, grinning, as if he's secretly in on some joke. I shake my head and roll over. We're quiet for a little while before he grabs my hair and pulls me over by him.

…The hell are you up to, kid?

He kisses me hard and I once again don't know whether I should pull away or kiss him back, so I don't do either. I let him kiss me and stroke my face and shift around, and I just lay there while he…

I just lay there.

He breaks off quickly and rests his hand on my chest. His head is laying on my shoulder for a quick moment, until he--or so I think--leans in to kiss me again. Instead, he reaches over and grabs this one pesky little patch of hair on my head that never really straightened out, pulls, and watches it spring back up.

"Sproing!" He says.

What a_ dork!_

I push my hair back and pull away from him. He starts laughing and it takes all of my will not join along. His laughter, his joy… is… infectious. I don't know what this is that comes over me next; and it's come over me only a few times before, but I pull him close and kiss him. We roll over and he flops on top of me. He's a nice weight; not too heavy, and _warm._

This isn't what I'm supposed to be thinking about when we're doing… _this_, is it?

I try not to think and try to concentrate on _my boyfriend. _His squirms, his sighs, his lips on mine, and his tongue shoved halfway down my throat.

It's actually very endearing and nice.

He pulls away again and I'm fully prepared to guard my hair at all costs. But, this time, he really rests his head on my shoulder. He says, "You're _amazing. _You know that?"

…Oh.

What am I feeling now? Sora, you have to understand that I'm so new at these things…

"It's getting dark." He so brilliantly points out. "Do you want to go to bed early tonight?" What does it matter to him?

"I don't care. Do what you want." He frowns.

"No, I mean…I want you to be with me." I close my eyes.

I know, Sora._ I know._

But… I can't help but smile. He's so sweet.

-  
Sora went to bed a few minutes ago, but I'm not tired yet. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself while I'm here. I really should stay a while-- get my strength up for when I finally leave. I change in the bathroom, brush my teeth, and wash my face. I look in the mirror again. It's always weird to see myself. Before now, I hadn't really seen what I look like since I was… thirteen. Sure, I'd seen distorted reflections of myself in store windows, but I'd always avoid the mirrors when I would wash in a public bathroom.

I'm not that bad. I'm not bad at all.

But I still wish I didn't fucking look like Nathan.

I close my eyes, sigh, and turn out the lights. I crawl into bed next to Sora, but I don't sleep for another few hours.

I can't stop thinking about the doctor.

What does this mean for me? I've been living here for… what? Two days? Three days? A week? And for… whichever amount of time I've been here, I've been allowing myself to… get caught up in everything.

First off… I've been eating food that isn't mine. Been washing and sleeping in rooms that aren't mine… these people aren't my family. And, here I am: foolish, stupid. I let that man take me to the doctor. I'm allowing him to talk to me about school. I'm allowing him to do those little kind things for me, and I don't even know if he's doing it because he wants something or if he truly is _kind_.

And Sora? He's a mistake, too! Why do I allow _him_ to do these… things to me? The kissing and making out and touching… the way he fucking _crawls on me. _And, not to mention, he has somehow gotten me to reveal most of my past to him.

But I still have my secrets, and I plan to keep it that way. Like what happened to my arms, more and more of Tairuyo's gang, and once I can remember this… person who consistently haunts my mind…. He'll probably need to be kept secret, too.

Oh, hell. I know I'm stressed about the doctor. I can't help wonder… what if there is something wrong with me? Something horrible and disgusting…?

Sora snorts in his sleep and it, at first, scares the shit out of me--but it soon relieves me of any more thoughts of the doctor.

He snorts again and shifts. His hand reaches out and hits my legs, he sighs, and his head lolls over, away from me.

Okay, this isn't too bad after all. It's rather nice.

Yeah. It's nice.

-  
I don't wake up so early in the morning. Mr. Hart has already left for work. I take my time getting up-- Sora is still asleep.

And after we've both been up for a while, we actually sit and eat and talk. It's the oddest thing.

"Do you want to walk around again today?" He asks, suddenly.

"Sure." I say.

He begins to ramble. "I don't know how far we'll be able to walk, though because this is such a big city, but we can just walk and see where we get. We'll have to call Dad though, because--"

I don't even let him finish. I don't know what it is that has gotten into me, but I'm laughing_. Laughing, _for Christ's sake. He's so damn _funny_, the way he rambles on and on about the stupidest little things. "What's so funny?" He asks, laughing as well. I just shake my head and continue laughing. I'm letting so many of my barriers down now. I know I shouldn't be.

I let down even more when I pull him over and kiss him. What has gotten _into_ me? He runs his fingers through my hair--an action that once annoyed me so much, that now…frankly, still annoys me, but only a little. It's kind of nice.

We're near each other now-- I don't know when Sora got into the chair next to me. I run my fingers through his hair, massage his scalp, lay a hand on his face. And, suddenly, he's on my lap. Our tongues are brushing together… God, we're like animals.

…For a little guy, Sora is kind of _heavy_ on my lap

We move over to the couch. I lay down and hastily pull Sora on me. I'm groping at his shoulders and grabbing onto his clothes to pull him closer, all as he kisses and runs his fingers through my hair again. I finally get the sense to pull away.

"That's enough." I say. He looks over at me-- I can't tell what the emotion in his eyes is supposed to be. "Alright, beat it."

"Oh." He replies. "Okay, I guess…" He sits up, and gets up off the couch.

…I can't stand it. I _have_ to pull him down and kiss him a little bit more.

I think I really do like this.

-  
We really are becoming an idiotic, disgusting couple. Sora lays on my chest, one leg off the couch and swinging, one hand clutching on to my shirt. I kiss his forehead and the top of his head.

…Right as Mr. Hart starts unlocking the door and comes in. Damn! I'm just glad that we've finished, so that we wouldn't get caught_ again._

I really, really, don't know what got into me those times.

I'm smarter now.

"Hey," Mr. Hart greets us both, all-too-cheerfully.

"Hey," Sora replies.

"Rrrnnhg." I reply.

"Are either of you hungry?"

At the slight implication of food, Sora totally forgets about me and jumps up. He really is a little glutton; but he's gone so long without food, that his reaction is totally unsurprising. He takes advantage of it all: the food, clothes, fresh water…

What's wrong with me that I'm not the same? I should be. Not that I necessarily want to, but…

I _should_ be.

I let myself forget about all that for a while as the three of us make these horribly big-ass sandwiches and sit down to eat. I don't mind merely watching as Sora and Mr. Hart talk and interact. It's always interesting, I guess.

It's odd. Sometimes I see them and I get so… upset because it's something I know I should have had with Nathan. But, mostly, I don't think anything of it. Their conversations are normal and run-of-the-mill (that sometimes get fucking _strange_), and they laugh and try to include me-- almost as if I'm in on some joke with them, like when Sora laughed with me this morning for no reason.

…God, what am I doing? I shouldn't care about Sora and his Dad.

I really shouldn't…

I haven't even started eating when Mr. Hart and Sora finish. God, do I really turn into the human vegetable when I'm thinking the way I am now?

Mr. Hart offers to keep me company while I eat, even after Sora leaves.

And I figure, why not?

As I eat, he completely leaves me alone. No small talk, no anything. He just sits there, smiling at me when I look up at him.

He doesn't even seem bored.

I can't help but smile, thinking about how little he knows me, and how much of a mystery I can still be to him. I guess I'm still hung up on that, but it's comforting and amusing, in a way. I guess now because I've let Sora see _me _and know about my past… well, bits and pieces of it… I feel like everyone in his family does.

I'm getting the hang of this again. I guess some people would call it "hiding", but that's not it. It's something I can't describe. It's like I'm in my own world, and I can deny access to anyone at anytime.

Mr. Hart smiles once again as I look up at him, and I don't give any trace of emotion. I don't look down, quickly, as I usually do. I just… keep on looking at him, and look down when I damn right please.

I'm in control_, sir_.

When I make my way over to the table, Mr. Hart pulls a brightly colored bag. What in God's name…?

"I know your birthday was a month ago," He says, placing the bag in my hand when I don't take it. "But I saw you looking at this when we went shopping for clothes."

What…? I hesitantly reach into the bag, almost expecting this to be some horrible trick, and pull out that leather jacket.

I can't hide my emotion, how shocked I am by all of this.

"I… I… _why_?" I know I'm being rude, but…

He smiles. "I thought you deserved a belated birthday gift. That's all."

"Thank you, sir." I finally spit out. Great, now I'm so flustered that I allow my barriers to drop _and_ resort to calling him "sir".

God…

He smiles and puts his hand on my head. A part of me wants to snap at him, be an ass to him, tell him to never fucking touch me. But another part doesn't want to be _rude._ How pathetic am I getting? I've been off the streets too long.

"Try it on!" Mr. Hart says, after a moment. Shit. I'm not ready for this. I comply, though. I know how to get my jacket off and pull this other one on without revealing the scars on my arms. There aren't that many; it's not too hard. "It's kind of big… but you'll grow into it." He nods in approval. "You look good." I nod and thank him again, and get upstairs as soon as I have the opportunity.

I make my way into _Sora's_ room-- I have to stop thinking of it as mine; it'll only make it hard to leave. Sora smiles at me and jumps up. "Do you like it?" He asks.

I don't know if I really like this or not. I mean… I like the _jacket. _But how did Mr. Hart know my birthday had passed? Why would he buy me something? Why give me that sort of attention?

Well… first of all: Sora. Sora _must _have told his father about my birthday passing.

I don't think he told anything else, however. I think Mr. Hart would have acted differently around me or mentioned it or _something_.

Sora telling would also explain why he just asked if I liked it.

I'm assuming "it" is the jacket.

I'm going to have to have… a little _chat_ with him later.

"Well?" Sora asks. "Do you?" Shit! I didn't even answer the question.

I think about it for a brief moment, then decide to lie: "Yeah. I like it."

Do I?

-  
Some time passes, though not a lot. Sora says we're eating out tonight.

O-okay… I walk over and sit at a desk off to the side of the room, near the balcony. Sora sits in a chair randomly placed next to the bathroom.

He, then, suddenly, perks up and asks, "Are you happy here?" Why are you _asking_ me these things, kid?

I shrug.

"You wouldn't just… leave, would you?" What has him thinking these things all of the sudden? I don't know if I would. I want to so badly, but… I don't know if I would. I'm going to leave, but would I be… gone, suddenly?

But I don't want Sora giving me his petty reasons to stay.

I shrug again. He doesn't say anything for a few more minutes, until: "Did you think about running away a lot before you did it?"

I smile, but only slightly. "Which time?"

"Um…"

"I did, a little, at first. At foster homes at such… but… I was _angry_ those times. It was never truly serious. With Auntie, I did think about it. Not a lot, really, but enough that I knew I had to." I hate talking about this, but, at the same time, I can't stop. I always give him way more information than needed.

But why?

"What about Nathan?" He asks, hesitantly.

I close my eyes and lay my head in my arms. "Every damned day." I'm quiet for a brief moment before continuing. "But just… like a 'what if?' Nathan made me too afraid to seriously consider it. I'd try not to think about it and catch myself if I did. I only seriously planned it before I left. But… when I would run away… never was it sudden or on a whim. I always planned, always tried to think ahead…"

Sora gets this odd, funny smile. "_I_ never thought about it. The idea came into my head one day and I was gone that night." He laughs. "Kind of obvious, isn't it?"

I lift my head and smile for him. "You think?"

Maybe if I fake a little playfulness…

I close my eyes again and sigh.

Now I'm depressed. What is _up_ with me?

"Riku? Are you alright?" Sora, very hesitantly, walks over and puts his hand on my shoulder. The act is so simple and he's done it so many times… but I'm so fucking _touched _ I don't know what to do.

"Go away." I say, finally. I'm blocking you out, Sora. You and your dad. Neither of you are getting near me anymore.

And, for once, Sora does what I say. He doesn't get upset or fuss or argue. He doesn't tell me to talk to him--now or ever.

He just leaves.

-  
Later, I come downstairs.

"Are you going to be alright to go to dinner tonight?" Sora asks, anxiousness clear in his voice.

"Yeah." I say. "I will."

He smiles at me, and I just try not to take it to heart.

Not anymore.


	11. Sora: Restaurants, Cakes, and Friends

**note: **I've started making deadlines for myself... for some reason, it just doesn't work with this fic. I really try to update sooner. Less than a month. :\ This one took so long, which is weird, because I've had it in my head for so long. Ah well!  
Notice the odd town (and sometimes character) names. I do a lot of the "typing random letters and working with that" method. :D

**Home**  
Chapter 11  
(Sora POV)

We're in Dad's car now. I really thought that we should do something to celebrate Riku's birthday, even though it was a month or so ago. I don't know if Riku realizes that that's the reason we're going or not, so I don't bring it up. Maybe it'll be a nice surprise.

It actually takes us about twenty minutes to get to the restaurant. This really is a big city; Dad's house and the neighborhoods near us make it seem like a small town, but it really is part of some place much, much bigger.

I kind of like it.

Once Dad finds a parking place, we get out and head in.

God.

This place is really, really _fancy. _I _never_ thought I'd ever even step foot in a place like this, let alone be able to eat in one. From the look on his face, Riku is thinking the same thing. I hold his hand and he actually doesn't protest.

After a few minutes we're seated and a waiter comes to take our orders for drinks. I can't even remember the last time I've eaten at a real restaurant. Mom and I could never do this. I've never really thought about it, but we were really, really, _poor_. But I'm sure that Mom can at least afford stuff for herself now that I'm gone…  
But that's not important now and, anyway, it's in the past. Now, Riku and Dad and… the waiter patiently is waiting for me to stop daydreaming and order something to eat.

Riku is fantastic at practicing restraint. He orders a small meal, with a small salad… He's so muscular and when he rests on me he's _so _heavy. He hasn't eaten in so long… It doesn't make sense that he doesn't eat a ton.

Between the two of _us_, Dad and I order enough to feed at least ten. Everything smells so good, and the food that the waiters are carrying look delicious…

It's official: Riku is totally insane.

"You're quiet tonight." Dad says to me. "I'd expect it from Riku," He reaches over and taps me playfully on the forehead. "but you?"

"It's a miracle." Riku murmurs. When I look at him he smirks, but when Dad starts laughing he looks completely embarrassed. He did _not_ mean for Dad to hear that.

Instant karma. You deserved it, honey.

I smile to myself. Riku would kill me if he knew I'm calling him that. Or any of my pet names for him, really.

"So, have you eaten here before?" I ask Dad. Lame conversation, I know, but at least we're talking.

"Once or twice." He says. "I think you'll both like it." We're quiet for a moment before Dad brings up an entirely different subject. "I'm going to visit my sister in a few months. I haven't told her you're living with me now yet, so remind me to later, alright?"

"Okay." I reply.

"I don't think you've seen her since you were a baby. It'll be nice. You'll like her. She lives up north, and it gets really snowy up there. You haven't seen snow before have you?"

"No." Mom and I never visited relatives, but they never visited us, either.

"It didn't snow in Suandie," that's where I used to live, before I ran away, "…and it doesn't snow here…"

I nod and say, "It'll be fun. When are we going?"

"Not until December or so, actually. So we have a lot of time. I don't even know why I brought it up." He smiles at me.

We're quiet for a moment. "God, I'm totally ignoring you, aren't I?" He says to Riku.

"It's fine." Riku says, quietly. He looks tired. He yawns, but tries to cover it up.

"Tired?" Dad asks. "You'll feel better once you eat." Riku doesn't seem to like Dad just… telling him that, but he doesn't say anything rude. Thank you, Riku…

He continues to try and start conversation with my boyfriend(!), but Riku keeps giving short, one word answers and really doesn't try to get involved.

I wonder when Dad's going to start to feel frustrated with him the way I did. Eh, God bless Riku.

I guess.

--

The service here is good-- our food comes soon. I didn't even realize how hungry I was. We're all hungry enough that we don't even talk at all, until we're almost done. Dad then tries to converse with Riku more, and it still doesn't work

This is horrible, but I'm just thinking, 'hey, it's not me.' Riku actually talks to _me_ now…Ooh, it's still so nice.

I join into the "conversation". Riku talks a bit more, but he's a bit sarcastic now whenever he responds to anything I've said.

Is he mad at me? Is he just tired? Stressed? Am saying dumb things? Does he think I'm a loser?

I know I'm just thinking _way _too deeply into this. This is just Riku. This is how he is. I'm sure the whole thing about visiting the doctor isn't helping either. God, I hope he won't be weird for a long time because of it. I'm dreading they day he has to go to the dentist, or start school. If he does. I guess I still feel like Riku's just going to disappear suddenly and I'll never see or hear from him again. It's scary because I know he's fully capable of it.

Back in reality, Dad's pulled over a waiter. He says something I can't hear, but I know what's going on. A few minutes later a bunch of waiters and waitresses come out with a slice of cake, singing.

"Happy, happy birthday

From all of us to you

We wish it was our birthday

So we could party, too!

HEY."

Absolutely everyone is staring.

Riku looks _mortified_. No, no. Now he looks really peeved. A few people clap as the waiters leave.

Riku doesn't say anything. Dad and I both speak up.

"Ri--"

"What the fuck?!" He says, finally. I start to laugh. I can't help it. I laugh until I have to rest my head on the table and tears stream down my cheeks. After I finally calm myself down, I look over at Riku.

I wish I hadn't-- he's glaring _daggers _at me.

"Are you going to eat all that?" I ask, finally, pointing to the cake. He looks away, but I can still see him smiling.

He actually talks after that.

"Should we buy the whole cake?" Dad asks. "It's really big. You think we'd finish it?"

"In about ten minutes." I say. None of us can help smiling.

Riku even lets me finish his cake. Now I remember why I like him so much. (Ha!)

"Do you need anything else?" Our waiter asks next time he comes around. Dad shakes his head and asks for the bill.

"No, wait." He says. "We'll take the rest of the cake, too." _Yes!_

Riku's still smiling as we leave, but he doesn't talk anymore. We're all oddly quiet as we head into the car. I lean back into the seat when I feel Riku's hand over mine. He's resting his head against the back of my seat. I can't see his face, so he can't see me smiling at him the whole way back home.

When we get home I hug Riku quickly and head upstairs. I'm cold and search around in the drawers until I find the new sweater I got at the store when I first got here. I quickly put it on and get half-way downstairs when Dad and Riku both come up. Dad says that he hasn't been sleeping well lately and wants to get to bed early. Riku leaves quickly. (Should I not leave the two of them alone anymore?)

"Sora," Dad says as he nears his room. "I'm really sorry I haven't been here a lot."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I've been at work so much… I'm just…. not ever here."

"It's okay, Dad." No it's _not!_

"I promise I'm trying to fix it. Alright? I really want to be around more."

I reply, honestly, "I'm glad." We're quiet before I add, "I worked so hard to find you…" I don't know why I suddenly get so emotional. Dad quickly walks over and hugs me.

"Don't get upset... If you get upset then _I'll _get upset and I'll cry. And no one wants to see that." He offers a gentle smile.

"Go to bed." I tell him, returning the hug.

"Gladly."

--

When I get into my room, Riku's not there.

But… I just saw him come in…

I go _back _downstairs to get a slice of cake. Riku's downstairs.

Now… _how _did he get there without me noticing?

"When did you get down here?" I ask him.

He replies, "When you were talking to your Dad."

"Oh." I walk over to the refrigerator.

"Sora?"

"Yeah?" I ask. I move a little closer to him and he puts his arm around me in what I think at first is a hug.

"Thanks for all of this… I guess." He says, quietly, coolly. "The restaurant… the jacket…" I tell him it was no problem, but I don't think he heard. I was even quieter than him. "But… if you tell your Dad anything else I'm going to have to beat the crap out of you." …_What_? "I know you told your Dad about my birthday, and about me and needles. No more. Got it? I wouldn't want to make you regret it." He turns away, announces he's going to bed, and goes off on his merry way.

…_What? _And he sounded so _sweet _the whole time he was threatening my life… just…

_WHAT?_

I shake my head and remember what I came down here for: chocolate. I begin to slice a small piece, but then I figure, "what the hell?" I ended up slicing enough cake for two people, get a fork, and head upstairs.

I wonder if Riku's mad at me?

He's sitting on the bed, getting under the covers when I enter the room. I was half-expecting him to not be there. "Gee Sora," He says. "Do you think you could have gotten a _bigger _piece of cake?" I just grin. "Can you eat all that? …Never mind. Of course _you _can." Why do people always say things like that? I never do this kind of thing. I don't eat that much. I figure he's joking when he offers me a smile.

Wow, Sora. Touchy much? I just shake my head and sit on the bed. "Don't get any cake on the bed." Riku says as he lays down, ready to sleep. He closes his eyes.

"Hey, Riku." I say. He opens one eye.

"What do you want?" He asks me. He sounds almost bored, mildly annoyed, and, most of all, tired.

"Sit up."

He groans, but he actually does it. Don't get mad at me…

I get a small piece of the cake with my fork and pop it in his mouth. He gives me a puzzled look, but he eats the piece. He sticks his thumb in the frosting and spreads it on my nose and smirks. For laughs, I stick out my tongue, miming trying to get off the frosting with my tongue. It works-- Riku laughs. He has such a great laugh…

What he does next, though, takes me completely by surprise: he licks the frosting off my nose. I touch my nose after he pulls away. Should I be turned on or grossed out?

I can't believe he did that. He's smirking at me again because I took the bait and he got the reaction from me that he wanted. I smile and set the cake on the table. I lean over and throw my arms around him. He falls back at first, but regains himself and hugs me back. I pull away and get the cake again. I put the plate on my lap and pop a piece into my mouth. Riku leans over and gets a bit more frosting with his finger. He puts that finger in his mouth and sucks on it.

I don't know if he's doing this on purpose to drive me insane or what. I could just… do things to him right now.

He gets a small piece of cake with that finger and presses it in _my_ mouth. I gently take a hold of his wrist and get any trace of cake off. Even when it's gone I keep my lips around his finger. I guess I should be thinking about how gross and unsanitary this might be, but… it's not, and I'm not. Riku looks so amazing as he gets closer and closer to me, pulling his hand away and pressing his lips against my cheek. He takes the fork from my hand and slices yet another small piece of cake. He feeds it to me, then kisses me on the lips.

This is so weird…but it's wonderful.

I take the fork from him and get a piece of cake. Our lips are still together, and I pull away just for a short enough time to get the cake in his mouth. I absently push the plate aside as he pulls me on top of him and we kiss again.

The cake is good but, hell, Riku's so much better. He opens his mouth and I run my tongue around his lips before entering the inside of his mouth. I run my fingers through his hair, across his scalp.

"Sora..." He says. I pull away.

"Yeah?"

He looks at me like I'm a huge idiot. Oh… crap. Was he just… saying my name? Was I not supposed to respond? Oh no… I _am_ a huge idiot! I press my lips against him again hastily and we quickly pick up where we left off.

He reaches over back to the cake and smears some frosting on his lower lip. He gives me this…look I've never seen on his face before and I totally get the hint. I lay my head under his chin as I lick and suck the chocolate off.

We stop for a moment and I'm afraid that he's done. Don't quit, Riku… We're having a good time here. Lucky for me, he just squirms around a little to get comfortable and turns over on top of me.

This time, _I _smear some frosting on my lip. He presses his forehead against mine and says, quietly, "Copy cat."

We both smile and he laughs a little. He kisses my lips, getting chocolate on him. He licks it off then gets to work on getting the chocolate off _me_.

"Wow." I say at one point. It's one simple word that sums up this whole night.

"Agreed." Riku says, before slipping his tongue in my mouth.

I clutch onto his shirt and hair as he kisses me. He runs one hand across my side, with his other stroking my face and hair. There are no words to describe exactly what I'm feeling right now.

I slides his tongue out of my mouth and across my cheek until he reaches my ear. He kisses me once and I squirm. The sound it made was really loud. He begins to gently suck my earlobe. I grab a chunk of cake and pop it in my mouth.

Bad decision.

I end up having to concentrate a little less on the wonderful things my boyfriend is doing to me right now and a bit more on not choking to death.

At least I'd die happy…

Oh! Riku puts his lips against mine again. I hope he won't stop because I still have cake in my mouth.

Is this disgusting to him?

I guess not, because he just keeps going.

Or not. He pulls away really quickly. I guess he didn't realize…

"Hold on," He says. He sounds like he's out of breath. I didn't realize it before, but I am too. "Swallow." I swallow the rest of the cake. I think I should have chewed more.

But…

That doesn't matter now. Riku's kissing me again. He brushes a loose strand of hair out of my face, and plays with it a little with his free hand. I reach over with _my _free hand to get some icing from the cake. It's almost all gone. Riku shifts and I feel like I'm losing balance, even though we're in the center of the bed. I grab onto him, forgetting about the chocolate covering my fingers. He pulls back and licks what he can off his arm.

I get anything he can't.

He says my name again, but this time I don't reply. I just pull him closer and closer.

We soon finish the cake. Riku flops over next to me.

"Too much." He says. I get the message.

"The cake?" I ask. "Yeah. Maybe." He grins, and I do too. For a moment, Riku looks disgusted.

"I'm sticky." He says. I am too. My pajamas and the covers feel weird against my skin.

"Me too." I reply. We're quiet. "So, how was it? Everything today. Was it great--" I notice that Riku isn't even looking at me. "Riku?"

He fell asleep. I can't believe it.

Well, I guess I'm kind of tired, too. I squish down under the covers and fall asleep in no time.

--

I wake up when I hear Riku get out of bed. I'm tired, but just… happy from last night.

"Where're you going?" I ask. My words are slurred and I sound drunker than drunk.

He says, "I'm going to take a shower."

I'm still sticky…

"I will, too." I reply.

He just…looks at me for a moment before he finally says, "…Yeah." He pauses. "…I'm locking the door."

That's _not_ what I meant.

--

I took a quick shower after Riku got out-- it's nice to not be sticky anymore. Now I'm just… hanging out downstairs. Riku comes down soon. Neither of us say anything. I don't know if I should bring up yesterday or not. We sit on the couch for a few minutes in silence.

"I'm hungry. Do you want me to make something for you while I'm up?" Riku asks, suddenly.

"I'm fine." I say. This is…different.

Maybe I overreact.

If Riku ever skips a meal I just assume that something's wrong, that he has some problem, that something's bothering him. I never think that, maybe, he's _just not hungry sometimes_. I never even realized I do it. I'm so unfair to him… I treat him like a freak.

Do I do this to everyone?

I glance over at him. He raises his head just barely and looks at me until I look away.

He finishes his breakfast soon and sits next to me again. He's not wearing his jacket yet today. I take a quick look at his arms.

Yeah, they're a bit… banged up. But, right now at least, I think he's alright. He's not insane, even if he's extremely moody. Okay, so maybe he _is_ the reason his arms are scarred up, unlike the scars on his back being caused my his stupid dad. Maybe his moods are unpredictable. Maybe he's shown me before that he _can _beat the living crap out of anyone and… maybe…

I sigh. Maybe I can stop treating him like something to be pitied and see him in a new light. But at the same time, I know that he's capable of anything and that scares me. He's not insane but he's not normal.

We're dating now. We've known each other for a while now. Why is he still a mystery to me?

I reach over and put my hand on his shoulder. He glances at me. "Hm?"

I just shake my head and say, "Nothing."

I don't ask him how he feels. It's not fair to him when I do.

--

Riku gets up and wanders around a little. God, we're quiet this morning… eventually, he comes back over and sits by me. He lays down, his head resting on my chest. I absently toy with his hair.

Yeah, this is nice.

--

A few days pass, and slowly, things turn to what I think I can consider "normal". Dad's been working less so I see him around more, which means I see Riku less. I don't mind. Riku and I go out and just…walk around when Dad is gone. Dad talks more and more about starting school. We go to the dentist and fill out papers within the week. Riku isn't freaking out yet.

So, I guess everything is good.

For a while, I really do hang around a lot when, otherwise, Riku and Dad would be alone together. There's so much tension when they're together.

They tell me, basically, to buzz off.

…Yeah, I would have, too.

--

That night, Dad tells us that we need to wake up early tomorrow--around 8. He doesn't give me any details about why. I'm a little…nervous. I know we're not going to go to the dentist tomorrow, or picking up the school forms.

I'm totally lost and anxious the whole night. It's not like me to get anxious. That's Riku's job-- and there he is, laying in bed, just fine.

"Sora, just go to sleep." He says.

I decide that it's better than waiting up.

--

At 8AM, Dad comes in and shakes my shoulder.

"Wake up." He says.

"What…?" I ask. I'm tired-- I don't know why. It's not that early.

"Come on, you and Riku need to get up. We're having company today."

"I'm getting up…" I reply, sitting up. "How much time to we have?"

"Two or three hours. Should I have given you more time?"

I shake my head. "No, it's fine." He ruffles my hair and leaves. I turn over and shake Riku's shoulder. "Riku…hun. Wake up." He flips over. "Honey…" I guess if resorting to pet names doesn't get him up, nothing will.

Yeah. That's it. "Riku…come on." He sits up.

"_What do you want_?" He asks, finally.

I jump-- I didn't expect him to actually talk to me. "Dad says we need to get up. We have company today." He flops back down on the bed.

Maybe he's not a morning person.

By the time I shower and get dressed, Riku is out of bed and dressed as well. I just… look at him for a moment. He's so…

"_What do you want?_" He asks again. He's so mean and annoying.

For some reason, I'm embarrassed. I just say, "Nothing."

I was hoping that by now I could just say, 'You're perfect and I can't stop looking at you,' you selfish, ungrateful, jackass. He rolls his eyes and leaves.

I'm anxious to see who the company is. Dad says that they'll be here early; before lunchtime. I don't have a clue who it is-- he says 'they'. It _can't _be my mom. He'd tell me then.

So, I sit around and try to find something to do.

--

At 10AM, the doorbell rings. I look around--absently noticing that I haven't heard a sound from Riku all morning-- and open the door.

When I see who it is, I choke on my own spit.

It's Donald and Goofy.

I think I just… stare for a moment, like an idiot. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

Just… how?!

I mean, I'm happy to see them. But… _how?!_

"You can't get rid of us that easy." Goofy finally says, laughing. I can't help it-- I leap forward and hug them both.

This is pretty cool.

"Sora," Riku says, walking toward me. I didn't even think he got up. "Who--" I take a few steps back. Riku stops mid-sentence.

This is so _awkward. _I look over at my friends and say, "This is Riku. He's my boyfriend." I hesitate telling them that. I don't know why; they know I'm gay. They knew that when I refused to leave Riku, when the police almost caught us. It seems so long ago…

"I'm Donald." Donald says. I can't just _tell _he doesn't like Riku. "_I_--"

"The name's Goofy." Goofy interrupts. He sticks out his hand, but Riku just steps back.

"Charmed." He says, flatly. Sarcastically.

He walks away.

"What _his _problem?" Donald asks.

I wish I knew.

"So…" Goofy jumps in. "How are you?"

"Good." I say, distractedly. I shake my head and try to get my mind off of Riku. We all, almost at once, plop down on the couch. Without meaning to, I get quiet as I ask, "How's everything in Suandie?"

"Normal." Donald says. He and Goofy exchange glances, but I don't know what that's all about.

"How's my mom?" I ask next, hesitantly. I don't know if I really want to know. "If you've seen her around…"

"Well…" Goofy says. "She's not doin' too good."

"Is she drinking a lot?" I don't know why I think they'd know. I say, then, "Never mind. Well, I hope she gets better." She's doing _fine _without me. She never wanted me in the first place. I mean, I…

Okay, snap out of it. There's no use thinking this way. Your friends are here, be happy. Stop getting upset over nothing. "School good?" I ask.

"Good." They both say. I want to ask about the kids there-- if they noticed I left, if anyone ever felt bad about picking on me-- but, at the same time, I don't want to know. I decide to wait until later to ask.

"How're you doin' over here?" Goofy thankfully changes the subject, and takes my mind off of Suandie.

"Really good. It's better here for me, I think." We're all quiet. "But I miss you guys."

"We miss you too."

Why do I feel guilty? I wanted to leave so badly, but I never thought about how this could impact other people.

…What am I _talking_ about? Donald and Goofy are doing fine without me. So is mom. The kids at school don't care.

I'm _fine. _Jeez.

Riku comes downstairs. He's so quiet I wouldn't have heard him-- I just happened to glance up at the right time.

"Riku!" When I say it, he flinches. Maybe he didn't want me to see him.

"Hey." He says. He starts walking faster until he walks into the kitchen.

"Sit down with us." Riku doesn't look happy about the invitation, and Donald doesn't either. Goofy, as usual, looks totally indifferent.

"No, that's _quite alright._" Riku replies. He has that weird sarcastic tone in his voice again. What's up with him today…? "Catch up with your _friends_." His voice keeps getting quieter. "Knock yourself out."

"If you want to join us…"

"I know." He looks really spacey for a moment before getting a mug, filling it with water and going upstairs. Why are you so upset, Riku?

I shake my head and turn back to the conversation. I have some catching up to do.

--

Come on everybody. Total love for human!Donald and human!Goofy. Also, I have no idea if Suandie is a real word or if I just added it to the spell check OK list. I hope it's not a real word… (By the way, it's pronounced Sue-Andy. Totally.)


	12. Riku: Sora's damn friends

_Note-from-author:_ I don't know what mood I was in while I wrote this, but Riku gets really introspective and melancholy in this chapter. Even more than usual. Let's break out the medications. Hmm… with all this Nathan-related stuff going on in Riku's mind (which is going to decrease a bit in the next chapters, as stuff actually starts HAPPENING), I wish there was a way to go deeper into Nathan's character. Almost all of these characters have extensive back stories. I have no clue how to work them in here… wish me luck, I guess.  
By the way, faithful readers, please feel free to tell me what I should be doing more of or whatever… I feel like this story is losing appeal. I want to know how everyone really _feels. _Alright? Alright. D (I sound like a therapist. (From hell.) Haha… :\)

**Home**  
Chapter 12  
_(Riku's POV)_

I've been thinking about for a few hours now and I think it's making me act like…well… a freak.

At this point, I know I'm insane for getting back into this. I've been in my-- that is, Sora's room, all day. My orange bag is still sitting in the corner of the room. It hasn't moved from where I last touched it. I know there was one thing I never did look at.

My notebook.

I tried looking at it--God knows why-- at the runaway haven, when Sora couldn't keep away from that slut Raye. (I half-expect that little voice at the back of my head to say something, something li-- _sluts like you._ Alright, fine. There it is.) Looking at that notebook… drained me, emotionally, I guess. I had it out for all of five seconds before I had to close it and push it away.

See…

--

_At Nathan's house, there was never anything to do. I stayed locked up in my room most of the time, half in fear and nervousness of being around Nathan, and half because Nathan always preferred me in… "the safety" of my room. I suppose. To pass the time, I would read. Eventually, I wrote and drew a little bit. Never my favorite hobbies, but it made those long hours pass…_

--

All of my work is in that notebook. At least a whole year of work.

I guess I don't want to "open the door" that leads to the person I used to be. But I never wrote about my feelings. I never wanted to… writing and drawing my feelings seemed so hokey. It will never be me.

When I get angry or upset, I just kill someone.

Ha.

Ha.

At this point, I'm stalling. I don't even know why. If I just look at that fucking notebook and get it done with, I never have to think about it again. What is in it anyway? A bunch of dumb musings and little doodles.

Well…

there was that one I opened to at the refuge. _He does not love me. He will never love me. _I don't know. It must have been some stupid vent after something Nathan said but… I don't know. It showed this weird vulnerability that I never show. And it was like fate, what with Sora and Raye…

I finally walk over to the bag and look around for my notebook. When I find it, I just… put it on my lap for a moment.

I put it back.

I know I'm a pussy for wussing out and putting it back but… it's not worth it. Especially not while Sora is here with his goddamn friends.

No, not now.

I lay back on the bed and close my eyes. Maybe I _should_ start writing again. Ms. Moran always said I was a good writer. Not good, actually. She'd say "great". "Fantastic." "Amazing." I smirk. I don't know if she was just humoring me or not.

I sigh.

Now it's just a matter of keeping my mind off of Sora's damn friends. This all shouldn't bother me… but it does. After yesterday, all that birthday shit, and he just ditches me. I thought after that--last night especially, I don't know… we'd be around each other today.

Sora confuses me so much. All my life I've hated human contact-- never gotten the appeal of the feeling of flesh on flesh, I've never understood why people absolutely _live _for sex. But, now, with Sora…well, that first kiss, so long ago, was _awful. _Maybe it's because we're dating now. I don't know. But for the first time, I do want it. Want him. I liked what we did the other night. I did. I want to do it again--maybe not soon, but another time. I hate how much I like him. I want to be with him again, for some reason. Maybe it's because now he's busy, and I just always want what I can't have.

Jesus. Why do I even care? What does it matter to me? Let him be with his _friends. _Let him be with people who _matter _to him. Whatever. It's really clear whose company he prefers. Let him be happy.

Do I want to come and sit down with them… like hell I do. His friends hate me. They think I'm a criminal. A thug. As if I'm going to put up with that. For a moment, I turn over on my stomach and lay my head on the pillow. I soon stand up and, noticing the tablet and pen on a desk against the wall, I sit down and begin to write.

-

It felt weird holding the pencil in my hand and writing. I got sore after a single page. But it was nice to get back into the "swing of things", I guess. Preparation for if I decide to stick around long enough to start going to school for a little while, though the thought makes me sick.

Sora bursts in, and I jump. _Hell. _He _startled_ me.

"Hey." He says, smiling as always. "Donald and Goofy and me are going to go and walk around. You should come with us!" After I don't respond, he adds, disheartened, "It'll be fun." I give him a look that I hope says it all, but he sticks around until I tell him no.

No fucking way.

Go have fun with your real friends. Without me. After he leaves, I put my head in my hands and sigh. I'm going stir crazy. I need something to do. Someplace to go.

Oh well. It doesn't matter anyway, I guess. I'll have enough of that after I leave. I stand up and head downstairs. I always hope that Mr. Hart won't be down, but he always is. (Shouldn't he be at work? I think he's on lunch break?) For some reason, after everything that happened yesterday… I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to be around him. Everything always comes down to these things: Why is he being so nice to me? God dammit… what does he want in return? I have nothing to give. I never asked for any of this…

When I walk down he smiles at me and continues to go about his business. Well… that was relatively painless. I want to go outside, to the beach.  
No… I don't want to have to explain to Mr. Hart where I'm going and all of that shit. It'll feel too much like he's my "guardian" or whatever, and I can't let him get that idea. I'll go tomorrow morning, before he's up. I casually grab another glass of water, as if that's what I've been intending to do from the start.

I think I want to write just a little bit more.

-

God.

I'm jealous.

Sora's spent the whole damned day with his little friends and it just won't stop bugging me. I don't know why. These things _don't get to me_. They just _don't_. Not to me. I bury my head in my hands again.

This is not supposed to be happening.

I jolt up when I hear the front door open and close. I can hear Sora talking and laughing with his friends. I just want to stop myself from thinking that he should be up here with _me_--which he _should_.

He comes up one last time, peeking his face through the door as he opens it a small crack. "I'm back!" He says, grinning.

"Thanks. I wouldn't have noticed." I think he catches the sarcasm from the way he goes from smiling to scowling so quickly.

"We had so much fun. You should come down and hang out with us."

I can hear one of his friends say, "He said before he doesn't want to come."

I hardly realize that my entire body is tense through the conversation.

Sora, shut up and quit talking like I'm not even here. Stop trying to get me to go with you. (I don't "hang out".) It's plain to see that I'm not wanted. That your_ real friends _don't want me around.

I get up and walk into the bathroom, because it's the one place he won't bother me. I can hear his voice from the bedroom doorway. "Riku, if you change your mind---Riku? …Riku?"

Go away, Sora.

Just go away.

-

I somehow get out of eating lunch with everyone. I just say that I'm not feeling well. Not hungry. Tired.  
God I'm hungry.

I guess I'll just wait it out. See if I can grab something after everyone has left. No problem.

What a life I've been reduced to live. Nothing to do, nothing productive, except for laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Is this all there is to my life now? Will I be doomed to live the life in Darry I've always desperately tried to escape? Routines? School everyday at the same time. Meals always at the same time. Go to the same places every weekend. See the same people everyday, and, and the end of each day, come back to the same place to be greeted by the same people. Maybe, if I'm lucky, get an office job, marry some chick, and pop out a few kids, retire in a few decades and, then, die? Die as a no one, just another person whose apart of some "system". A statistic.

God, I'm creeping myself out. I'd never let that happen.

I guess I liked the unpredictability of the streets. Not seeing the same people from day to day, not caring about who's dating who and what's popular to wear. Of course, creepy men offering you some amount of money to fuck you, getting treated like the scum of the earth, fighting to survive… I could have gone without those, thank you very much. Plus, out there, I was going completely mad.

I wonder if I was developing the same… problems Nathan and Mama have?

No. A thousand times no. I'm seriously scaring myself out now. First all this insane talk about living here, then Mama and Nathan…

I need something to do. I need a hobby.

Well, back to the pencil and paper, I guess.

-

The next time Sora bursts into the room, I want to throttle him. He's so _loud. _He always scares the shit out of me.

"What now?" I ask, before he gets the chance to open his mouth to speak. I absently swing my leg. Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

"Nothing…. Donald and Goofy are unpacking. They'll be here for another day." _Fantastic. _"They'd stay longer but, you know, with school starting and all…" He shrugs. "But it's just nice to see them again." He smiles again. "I haven't seen you _all__day_!"

Don't I know it.

He climbs up on my lap. Oh, don't do that… He shifts until he's facing me, his arms around my neck. I put one hand, lightly, on his back. "What have you been doing all day?"

"Nothing." And I really do mean 'nothing.' He laughs, and for some reason that really pisses me off. Quit laughing at my misery, you noisy punk.

I roll my eyes at my own thoughts. He leans in to kiss me when I notice the necklace I gave him, still hanging securely around his neck. I can't help but smile. I don't think I've seen him without it once. I pull away and he--and his lips-- miss.

"You still wear this." I say, putting a hand on the silver crown.

"Of course I still wear it." He replies, looking proud of himself.

When I look at that necklace I can still hear Mama's playful voice. (Ha… it was playful once.) _I love jewelry-- I don't know why. This one's my favorite… I want you to have it. And someday, you should give it to someone special to _you.

I guess it's nice that Sora likes it as much as I do. Of course, Sora's into that stupid sentimental crap.

"Sora…" I sigh. He gets this funny little smile on his face. What…?

"What's so funny?" I ask. He just shakes his head.

"Nothing." He says. He still has that smile. He looks down. I rest my head against his stomach and sigh. This feels so good. I don't know why. Today, I want this moment to last forever. Maybe I just feel…close to him after everything that happened the other night. I tense after Sora starts shifting around again, but he just moves to rest his chin on my head. "Remember…. last week? I said we should take a walk?" I wouldn't forget the invitation turning into a stupid little rant. "We should still do that. After Donald and Goofy leave. Just you and me." He's quiet after that.

I am, for once, completely content. I close my eyes, hoping that I'll be able to enjoy his company, doze for a moment…

No luck. He jumps up, back up on his feet. "We're watching a movie after dinner. You should--"

"No."

"Ri--"

"Fuck off, brat." I tell him, finally. _Completely content, _dammit! He glares at me, turns on his heels and leaves.

Hmm. That's the first time I've ever outright called him a name. I'll mark it on my calendar.

I roll my eyes at my own thoughts again.

I go outside again, to the balcony. I almost forgot about this little place. I open the sliding glass door once I'm out, just to close the curtains.  
I don't know. It feels more private and it's very nice. It's cool out, oddly sunny for this time of the year.

God, it's so nice here. I hope that after I leave here I can find another place as gorgeous as this one. I close my eyes and rest my head against the railing. There's a chair, but I don't feel like getting up and sitting in it. Too dusty. This whole area is.

Maybe I'll do something about that… it'll give me something to do that's actually somewhat productive.

I think that is what I'll do. I get up, again, and grab a rag from the bathroom. I manage to get all the dust off everything, but it takes me longer than I thought that it would. It looks better. Whatever material used for the floor is beautiful, the railing boasts intricate details etched all around. I lay on the floor. I can only see half of the sky, the other half hidden by the house itself. I close my eyes.

-

I think I fell asleep.

I get up and stretch and, God, that was _not _comfortable to sleep on. I rest back against the railing when I spot on small spot that I missed while I was dusting. I figure I'll just fix it up later, when I realize one problem:

It's driving me fucking insane.

Oh, God, please don't let me develop an OCD like Nathan had. I have enough disrupting my life. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Nathan could. I don't think _I_ could.

I slowly get up and walk away, lazing on our-- Sora's bed again. When I look over to his side of the bed--God, we sound like we're married-- I can see the plate, licked clean, _still_ sitting on his table. I shiver. That night… that was so unlike me.

How often have I been thinking this lately? _This is not like me. _

I don't even know who I am anymore.

This is nuts.

Maybe I should have just gone with Sora and his stupid friends. I wouldn't have been stuck up here all day, hiding, and I wouldn't have thought about any of this crap that I know now will be running through my head until hell freezes over.

I…

I need to be with Sora right now. There. It's out. Right now, I don't think I can be alone. Slowly, I get up, open the door, and walk into the hallway. He's still talking and laughing with his friends.

On second thought… this can wait.

"Are you sure you're okay?" No. I'm not.

Hold on…

"What?" I respond, automatically.

"What's wrong?" Mr. Hart asks. God, he _is _quiet…

I don't say anything because I don't want to say 'nothing'. That's so far from the truth it could be funny. I can't tell him what's going on because I don't know.

Not that I would tell him anyway. Fuck, he's not my _dad. …_I wouldn't even talk to my _dad…_

Mr. Hart opens the door to his room. "I'm just going to finish up a little work. Not too exciting, I know, but if you want to come in, go ahead. I'd enjoy the company." He pauses. "Maybe you would too. I don't know." When he walks in his room he closes the door behind him.

Maybe he'll yak so much I won't have to think about any of this shit for a while.

That might be nice.

I follow him. He looks up from whatever work he had to finish, obviously surprised. "I didn't think you'd really come in." He smiles. "No, this is good. …So…make yourself at home."

His room is even bigger than Sora's and… Sora's. Just Sora's room. I have to keep thinking that way or I'll never be able to leave. I don't say anything. I just sit on my knees, chin resting on Mr. Hart's bed.

-

Fucking…

I fell asleep again.

"Hey, if you need to get some sleep you may be more comfortable laying down, eh?" Mr. Hart says, good naturedly. I absently-mindedly agree. "Take my bed if you like."

"Yeah…" I say. God, how stupid. I could have just not replied. I could have also… not fallen asleep.

Oh well.

I take Mr. Hart's advice, lay on his bed, and close my eyes.

This feels… wrong.

"I should make dinner soon." Mr. Hart mutters, chewing on his pen. I bite down the urge to tell him he shouldn't do that. Not good for his teeth. I sigh. Maybe I am like Nathan… God, the thought is scary.

Nathan was… I don't have to say he wasn't right. He was odd. He wasn't like… I guess one could say the "typical abusive parent" or whatever. He didn't yell. He rarely beat me. That all came up when he was drunk.

Well, he was drunk a lot, but…

When he wasn't drunk, (which I guess was about half of my time around him), he would talk to me… evenly, quietly. He'd just make little blows to my self-esteem, stay distant…

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan… oh my fucking god, why does everything have to come back to _Nathan_? Why not Nero? Kai? Auntie? Why can't I focus on the people who were _good _to me? Mama, Ms. Moran…

Why can't I just focus on Sora and Mr. Hart? Plan on the immediate future, right now. Right this second. Not why Nathan couldn't find it in him to love me. Not when I flee from here, and not what will happen if I stay here.

It's because…

It's because…

I'm sick. Everything does always comes back to what happened, and what might happen. I've tried to stay positive, live in the moment, but it's so _hard. _My mind always wanders. Always. Always back to my past. Always to the worst-case scenario. What could have been, what should have been, what might be. After thirteen years in Darry, in that place… how do I start over?

God, Sora. Where are you when I need you? Oh, you're off with your friends.

I'm ready to talk to you now, I really am…

"…how does that sound?" Damn it. I missed him talking to me.

"Fine." I say without thinking. I shouldn't have just agreed to …something, but alright. I shiver, suddenly getting the feeling that something is horribly off. When Mr. Hart reaches over to touch my shoulder I rapidly move away. I don't want to be touched right now.

Not in the mood.

…

Well, Sora's not here. Sora can't talk. Like we'd really end up talking… he'd bug me too much, he really would.

What do I do? Can't I ask Mr. Hart what to do? Where to go from here?

Never. I plan to stay in complete control. I'll be a mystery to him. I smile to myself, absently. Sora never… did as I said, really. But before I told him my past… before we started dating… he was like a little puppet of mine. This time I'll do things right. Mr. Hart will have no idea what "makes me tick". I'll do anything and-- maybe he'll get pissed and throw me out, maybe he'll be afraid of me, thinking I'm some psycho… I don't know, but whatever he does, I'm going to take advantage of it.

Dammit, I'm doing it right this time. No kind words, no smiles, no jackets will win me over. No sir. Mr. Hart gets up and announces that he's going to look over some recipes for dinner.

Good for you, _sir._

I'm still smiling for a moment, until I realize I'm still wearing the jacket he gave me.

No…this is not right. I sigh, still laying on his bed. I absently pick up a book on his bedside table and flip through it. I catch a few random passages. Nothing interesting. For a moment, I wonder if it's relating to his work or not.

Then I realize that I really don't care. Ah.

I ignore the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, forever assuming that it's Sora, and again being startled out of my fucking skin when it's Mr. Hart, just wanting to check on me. Fuck you, you keep taking ten years off my life.

He smiles. "I'm sorry, did I startle you?" You have _no_ idea.

I just shake my head. Once I realize I still have his book I rapidly set it aside. He notices.

"Sorry." I mumble. Control or not, I don't have the right to go through his possessions…

He just shakes his head. "Nah, that's fine. I don't care." For some reason that pisses me off. Some kid off the street is looking at your stuff and you don't _care_? What is _wrong _with you, Mr. Hart?

With a short wave he leaves, back downstairs. I leave, too--off to Sora's room. My haven. I'd almost be better if Sora were actually there. I escape back out to the balcony.

_Shit. _Sora and his _friends _are out. They look small from this height. Not tiny, but small enough. The height of this balcony, I think, must be just a little bit higher than my room's window at Nathan's house in Darry. _Well, there's Nathan again… _No, no. That doesn't count. I'm thinking about his house, not him. Okay, okay. That works. God, I'm insane, talking to myself like this. How long has this been going on for; me talking to myself? Since I was twelve? Thirteen?

No… I know when this started.

I don't want to think about it. Maybe if I keep pushing it out of my memory, it will go away again. It'll stop coming back to me in small flecks. Like Tairuyo taught me. I smirk to myself. Like _Kenneth_ taught me. Of course, he taught me the whole concept of self harm and I'll be damned if _that _worked out.

Oh well. One of Sora's friends looks up and I dart back, not wanting to be seen. They soon go back into the house. I near the railing again, stick a leg through, let it dangle. I feel like a king. I'm in control, I'm up way, way high. Above everyone.

Someone--either Sora or Mr. Hart-- knocks. I get up, quickly, back into the room. I don't want anyone to find out that this is my little hiding place. He knocks again.

Dinner time.

-

So far so good. I've just hung back, quietly. Everyone's so involved with talking and catching up that they leave me out of it; I don't mind. I don't want to be a part of their stupid conversations.

It doesn't bother me that Sora doesn't even look my fucking way, not even once. No playful arm touching, no short messages told by way of moving his lips.

I don't care. I don't.

Is he mad that I called him a brat? Would he really be?

God, do I _care_?

Mr. Hart gets up to offer seconds, I'm the only one who doesn't. Once in a while one of Sora's friends-- I've gathered so far their names (Sora's mentioned them before), which is which, and their history with Sora-- will glance over at me, for nothing more than a nanosecond. They don't even stop talking as they do.

I truly don't care.

Well… no. That's… not true. God, they all look so _happy _and carefree. I don't make Sora happy like that. I don't make him laugh like that.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I'm _so jealous_…

I escape back upstairs as soon as I can without anyone getting suspicious or asking questions.

-

Sora bounces upstairs hours after dinner; ten o'clock PM. He says, simply, "Hi."

"Hi." I reply, after a long moment. No curt reply from Riku today. Not up to it.

He changes--god, right in front of me-- and goes into the bathroom. I can hear the sink turn on and off several times. He looks so tired and frail after the door opens again and he emerges. For some reason it strikes me as odd. I can't exactly place a finger on why. "I'm surprised you aren't still downstairs with your _friends_." Oh, God, will he think I'm jealous? And, a first-- 'I'm surprised'. Have I done that before? Outright say I'm experiencing some emotion?

"They went to bed." He smiles. "And I was with Dad for a while. Wasn't it nice to have him come back from work early?" Ah, so that was it. "But… I want to spend time with _you_." He pauses, now unsure. He walks toward the bed and continues talking. "Unless you were going to go to sleep…"

"No, but it looks like you are."

He grins. "I'm going to bed, yeah." He talks exactly like his father. I can't explain it. "You can still talk to me if you want." _We can do other things as well. _That thought hangs thick between us. I feel like anything can happen, after that night. "You can also keep the light on. I'm not sensitive."

I don't say anything for a moment. Maybe I went too far today, calling him a brat…

"I don't care. Turn out the lights if you want." I think better in darkness, anyway. He turns and turns off the lamp on his bedside table. He doesn't touch the lamp over by me. I wait a moment before getting up, Sora doesn't make a sound. Is he sleeping already?  
I take the pictures from my bag and give myself some real time to look over those old photos.

If I need Sora, he's right here. God, _if I need him_… just listen to me now.

It takes me a minute or so to realize who the woman in the first picture is. After my grandparents just… disappeared, after I was alone for a day or so, after that college girl died, after I got put into a refuge because they couldn't find my family just yet. The memories are filed neatly, in these separate stages of my life. This is _before. _Everything is neatly tucked away. This was my first foster home. My first, I guess, foster mother. She was a single woman, nearing elderly. I stayed with her for only a short while; we bonded quickly. She was kind. But she was so _old_, and I was so _little_. Maybe that was the problem with my grandparents, as well. They were simply too old to be taking care of a small child. I understand it. I always have. It's not as if my next foster parents hadn't been nice, or the last family, after that. I just wish it had been the same story with Auntie and Uncle.

Or Nathan.

And before I begin to dwell on _him_ again, I flip the photo to the back of the pile and look over the next one. I'm okay so far--I don't feel drained.

At least the next one is Miss Moran. No bad memories, no hard feelings. Just a small photo of someone who really was a _nice friend. _It's a normal school photo. God, she looks so young there. She never looked like she was any older than I am now. And for the most part she acted like it, but she really pulled through when I needed her…

(Sora, are you going to be there when I need you?)

I smile, despite myself. God, I'm ridiculous. (He will be.) I tuck the pictures away, in the drawer next to me. Maybe I'll even look at my notebook tomorrow.

It takes me a moment to get comfortable, but when I do, I fall right asleep.

-

This morning, I'm going to the beach. It's four AM. The sun has hardly risen. I'm up, I'm awake, I'm restless. I get dressed, quickly, taking my jacket this time with me. I quietly rush down the stairs.

Should I leave a note, saying I'm gone?

Oh, God, how stupid. No, I shouldn't. I'm not _theirs. _I can go where I want. They aren't my family.

I rush out the door.

Besides, no one will be up. Mr. Hart seems to be somewhat of an early riser, but I still an hour or so. Maybe even two.

I rush down the street.

I won't allow myself to fall asleep again.

I hop the fence, and I'm here.

I take off my shoes, feeling the cool sand beneath my feet, listening to the ocean. Looking out, I feel small. God, I want it. I want it all. I don't know what "it", exactly, is, but I crave it. Need it. I want everything. I want the world. Everything.

Today, instead of just sitting, thinking about things I'd rather not dwell on, I walk. It really is gorgeous here, everywhere. I really don't belong, do I? Where are the slums, the ghettos, the streets with the whores at the corner? That's where I belong. But… so far… I'm completely accepted. I guess I'll have to wait for when--if-- I start school. If Mr. Hart tries to send me to some little rich-snob school… forget it. I'd be so out of place I wouldn't be able to stand it. If I just go to a normal school… I don't know. It would help in the long run to get a little more schooling before I leave, I suppose. I'll think about it once Mr. Hart starts talking about it.

I _know_ I'm doing it again, focusing on some more worst case scenarios. At last night, I made myself look at some of my pictures. Dwelling on the past.

The sun's rising a bit more; I'm not one to watch the sun rise, to drone on about how wonderful it is.

But it is.

I've always wanted to be near the ocean. I have only seen it once before. Someone took me to see it, maybe. I don't remember. I really don't care if I ever do, really. But I have the same feeling, the same…odd pieces of odd memories, every time I come here.

I wonder… does it mean anything?

The sun keeps rising. I now feel its warmth on my skin, the shadows fleeing from the tops of the houses lining the streets. Time for me to go back, I suppose.

When I arrive back at the house, the door opens as I twist the knob. I guess it never occurred to me what would happen if someone saw that the door was unlocked and took it upon themselves to lock it again. I would _not _want to be stuck out here in the wee hours of the morning, left outside ringing the doorbell, waiting for someone to let me in, like some… some little trained puppy, let out for some reason or another, clawing and whimpering to have master please let me in.

Or like me at age twelve.

I shake my head. Never again…

I walk in, quietly, and shut the door gently back into place. It makes no sound as I lock it.

What's this…? The TV's on. I lean over, glancing at the television, then the couch. No, I can't see who crashed on the couch, but I think he's asleep. I'm even quieter than before as I try to get upstairs.

Four steps away from the door, I trip over the leg of some chair-- or maybe the coat hanger, or maybe even my own feet. Any way, I'm on the ground, I've knocked down something. I've banged up my arm and chin.

Worst of all, it made a hell of a noise.

God, please don't let anyone wake up. Please don't let anyone ask questions.

Not a sound. I slowly get up, and...

Oh, oh shit. Whoever that was on the couch just woke up.

He sits up. It's one of Sora's friends. Goofy, I believe. Half-awake, he drawls, "How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?" He just keeps looking at me. God, damn it.

"Go back to sleep, you." I mutter, not to him.

He does. I can't help but let out a small, small sigh of relief. I begin walking again. I don't know what I did _this time _but there's another, smaller, crash.

He gets up again,

Yeah, he's really up this time.

"Gosh," He says, but is not really a 'gosh'. It's a gibberish, accented, almost 'gawrsh'. "What was that?" Is that rhetorical?

"Nothing. I tripped." God, it never stops sounding foolish, every time I say---or have said-- it. I mean, how stupid can a person be to be so clumsy? Or, in my case, almost more often than not, it was 'oh, these bruises? That cut? That scar? It's nothing. I tripped--honestly.' I shake my head.

"Tripped?" He slurs. "Oh, no problem. Happens to me all the time." See, he did it again. But, this time, it wasn't really and 'all'-- more like "awl". Happens to me aawwwlll the time.

For some reason, this makes me laugh. It's a small laugh-- I'm not quite used to this kind of noise escaping from my throat, my mouth. Goofy laughs too--a friendly chuckle. Though I'm sure he doesn't quite get what's funny. "Well," He says. "I'm up and you're up, so if you can't get back to sleep, you can take that there remote and watch something on the TV… I ain't too picky."

What… like, together? Yeah… no, thanks. Really not necessary.

For some reason, I say, "Sure."

I sit down next to him, though on a far end of the couch. He reaches for the remote control, which is at the edge of the coffee table. He grabs it, but it slides out of his hand and onto the floor. He reaches and reaches over to try and get it, but I think it' would be rather obvious that it's way too far away. Finally, he gets off the couch, continues reaching for it. He gets it, and puts it on the arm rest.

It slides right off.

He scrambles to catch it before it hit's the ground, and, from the looks of it, just hardly misses. _He _falls off the couch.

This is all so ridiculous-- he _must _be doing this on purpose.

But…

God, it's funny. I just can't keep from laughing. I watch his desperate attempts to get the fucking remote, not mentioning it would just be easier to use the buttons on the actually television.

At some point, I fall asleep. I look at the clock after I wake-- I've only been napping for five minutes or so.

"You look awful tired." Goofy says.

"I am." I reply.

Screw that stupid box-- I'm going to back upstairs. I, for some reason, announce to him I'm going back to bed. I even offer a short wave as I go.

Without any more clumsy incidents (on my part, at least,) I make it back into Sora's room.

He's still sleeping soundly. I change back into my pajamas and crawl into bed. Just for a minute, really… just one minute… I'm not going to sleep in.

One minute. That's it.

The last thing I see before drifting back off to sleep is Sora's sweet face.

--_  
Another note-from-author:_ Riku/Goofy OTP!  
Just kidding!!  
But really, I love Goofy. XD I just watched A Goofy Movie the other day, so that may have been part of what spawned that part at the end. I heart Goofy, seriously. I need a Donald-centric part, too. Hmm… I hope I've captured their personalities well. It's hard to write Disney characters.

On another topic, do I always end the chapters with Riku going to sleep? This boy really knows how to nap. I bet _he's_ getting his eight hours of sleep. (Lucky.)


	13. Sora: Real life begins

Author's note: Yeah, remember when I said that stuff was going to start happening? It does, in this chapter. Haha, it took you long enough… (that's me talking to myself). I just deleted about five chapters worth of filler stuff. Ah, I like writing this so much, I just want to draw it out so I can get as much out of it as I can. Isn't that awful? I'm not doing it anymore though. ;p So, coming up: lots of drama (?), lots of excitement (?), lots of sex (???). Though I feel like I either make things so too fast or too slow… I wish I could figure out an in-between ground. Also, I really need a beta… (dramatic sigh).And I'm going to get my ass back in gear and actually start _writing _every day. That's my resolution. Won't make Riku's POV chapters any easier to decipher, though. Also… this chapter is eighteen pages! Not bad!  
So, enjoy some actual stuff happening, and a long, long chapter. :D  
**edit: I ** **am so sorry!** **I totally forgot to remove some notes I wrote to myself before I submitted this chapter. I could have _sworn_ I did. I think I got them all, though... God, I'm so embarrased. XD  
**

**Home  
Chapter 13  
(Sora's POV)**

It's 8AM when I wake up. I turn over carefully--just trying not to wake Riku up. I don't want to get up…

I pull the covers back up at my neck, shift around a bit, and close my eyes. The bed shakes a little, and it takes me a moment to realize that it's Riku, tossing and turning. He snorts once, then lets out a long breath.

Is he having a nightmare?

I slowly shake him and he quiets down a little. He stirs a minute or so later. I turn back around and close my eyes again.

"Hey," Riku whispers, his hand resting on my shoulder.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing." He says. Weirdo. "Sora…" God, I love the way he says my name. It's funny… and he has this weird little accent sometimes. It's so minor, maybe I'm just making it up, but… he says "So. Rah." Split up and funny that way. He does that with his words-- splits it up and enunciates all weird. It's cute. I can't help but laugh. "What's so funny?"

"You." I reply, and turn back over. He shakes my shoulder again.

"What?"

"The way you talk." I try to explain. I sit up. He just looks confused-- I kind of feel bad, but I don't know why. "The way you say my name." He shakes his head. "You have an accent, or something."

He rolls his eyes at that and speaks up: "No I don't." He says, simply. He does _not_ look happy. Why would something like that bother him?

"Say my name." I urge him, and he does. "You just did it!"

He bites his lip and says, "Damn it!" He sits up.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "Nothing. I just don't want an 'accent'. I want to erase Darry from every part of my life. If I talk the same way that I did there… the slang, the drawl_…_" He shakes his head. "Maybe it doesn't make any sense, but…"

I know what he's talking about. I do.

"I understand." I say. It's time to start a new life. I'm not going to let myself be the same person that everyone at school, my mom, even Riku, when I first met him, saw. The annoying, wimpy… faggot, like they all said. I want to be different. I mean… it's not good to _deny _ that it all happened. It's a part of my life, the good and the bad, and I accept it. But I'd like to improve myself. And Riku had it _ten times worse _than I did. I know exactly why he'd want to leave it _all _ behind.

We're quiet for a moment. "Were you having a nightmare?" I ask. "You were tossing and turning." He shakes his head.

"I'm fine." He says, then, "Hey, what time is it?"

I shrug, looking over at a clock on the far wall. "8:16. 'Morning."

He says, "Fuck." Before I can even blink, he's out of bed, grabbing some clothes from the drawer, and rushing into the bathroom.

I'm not even going to ask.

I get up and go downstairs, not bothering to change.  
Crap.

I forgot that Donald and Goofy are here, and Donald's already up. I should have changed. No need for anyone to see my blue pajamas with the little sheep on them-- the one weird tacky thing I own.

Oh well. They've both seen me at worst times than this. (Two words: too-small shorts. Ouch.)

"Hi." I say. I laugh-- I don't know why. It's reflex, I guess.

He says, "Hi."

Awkward silence. I don't know what to say. It's too early for this…

"Are you happy?" He asks, finally.

I nod, then say, "Riku and I are really…"

He nods.

We're quiet more.

"I miss…"

"I know." I miss them too. "Hey…" We can always stay in contact, can't we? I don't have to give them up…

"I know."

This is uncomfortable. Finally, I hug him. I feel so emotional, I can't figure out why.

"What'd I miss?" Goofy asks all of the sudden, scaring the living shit out of me. I did _not_ know he was there. That's weird for him, he usually makes a big clumsy entrance.

"Nothing." I say, shaking my head. "Just a lot of awkward silence and two-word sentences."

More awkward silence. Am I the only one here who feels out of place, or is this the okay-silence? I've been away from them so long… I can't tell. Either way, I need to say something quick before I crack and do something stupid to stop the quiet.

"Hey, I like trees." I say. "They're green and they have bark…" Donald and Goofy just look at each other for a moment before slowly nodding. They look like they're thinking that I need to be locked up. Maybe I do. Yesterday when we all went out I was going to show them the beach. When I said that we had to jump the fence they looked at me--again-- like I was insane. I wouldn't have ever thought of jumping a fence before I ran away. I wouldn't have wanted to get into trouble. Maybe I've changed a lot already… But, the whole time, I could just hear something that Donald had said a few months ago. After they…and my Mom… found me with Riku. 'You've been hanging around him too much'. Maybe Riku _is _rubbing off on me. Is that bad?

"Trees are great." Goofy agrees, finally.

"Green's nice." Donald joins in.

"It goes good with brown." I add.

"Yeah." They reply in unison. I crack up. Maybe I _am_ insane. Riku _must _be rubbing off on me. "God, how pathetic are we? Talking about _trees_?!" They crack up too. This is amazing-- the three of us laughing again, together.

--

"Want to go out somewhere again?" I ask, though I don't know why I bothered. There is _nothing _to do here. Nothing in walking distance, anyway. And Dad's already at work. Besides, I'd hate to bug him and make him take us somewhere. "I'll be right back." I say, before they even answer.

I head upstairs to change into some actual clothes. Even if we do go somewhere, the whole world doesn't have to see my PJs. Riku's sitting on the bed. Before I can even get to the dresser he gets up and hugs me.

God… this is _weird. _

"Are you feeling alright?" I ask.

He answers with another question: "Are you mad at me?" He's so quiet, his face so close to mine.

"No!" I say, equally as quiet. "Why do you think…?"

"No. No reason." His arms are around me, his hands on my back. I rest my head on his chest until he slides one hand up the back of my shirt.

Oh, shit.

First of all, this is really, weirdly, exciting.

Second, he has _freezing cold hands._

He presses his lips against my forehead.

"Riku…?"

"Don't say anything." He closes his eyes and kisses my lips. I realize that my hands are just hanging by my sides, and I quickly throw my arms around him. I open my mouth and he slides his tongue in. We somehow end up back on the bed, and my shirt's been thrown halfway across the room. He rolls on top of me, and presses himself against me as he keeps kissing me, keeps touching me, keeps…

God, I need to get back downstairs. I push Riku off of me, change, and leave as quickly as I can. He was amazing, he _was. _But… I think I was getting a little… _overexcited_. And I really, really, did not want Riku to notice. I don't know how he'd react, and I don't want anything to lead to anything else.

I am totally lost and have no clue what I'm talking about.

Best go downstairs and enjoy the little time I have left with my best friends.

--

Donald and Goofy left a few hours ago.

Riku is acting weirder than ever.

I ask tonight at dinner, "Riku, pass the pepper?" And he, I swear to God, _chucks _it at me. It almost slides right off the table. He has quite an arm.

But still… maybe it's just my imagination.

--

It's definitely not my imagination. Riku is totally pissed off at me and I have no clue what I did. Is it when I ran off on him earlier? Was it my really obvious…er… arousal? Did I say something wrong? Is he just being crazy?

I try asking him as we're getting ready for bed, but before I can even open my mouth he says, plainly, "Fuck off."

"Riku--"

"Fuck off, you're annoying me!"

Usually I can ignore him when he's like this. But for some reason, this really sets me off.

"Oh, excuse me!" I say. Not exactly clever. "Want to me to stop talking so I'm not annoying? No, I'm sorry, do you want me to stop breathing? I wouldn't want to do something to set off Princess Riku!" He tosses a pillow at me and it knocks me off my feet. I throw it back, but I miss.

"Your aim's even worse than your kissing."

That. Was. Just. _Cold_.

"You're not so great either." I reply, quickly. It was a little lame, we both know that, so I add: "Not as great as you think you are, I'm sure."

"What the hell is your problem?" He asks finally.

"I'm fine. You're the one who starts fights for no reason."

"That's a fucking lie, Sora."

"Is it?" I ask in return. "No, it's just that the little princess needs something to feel good about so you pick on me for no reason. Do you feel really shitty about yourself or are you just that bored?"

"You're not so fun to be around." He says it smoothly, before getting that weird angry, sharp tone in his voice again. "And I wouldn't talk if I were you, you scrawny little kid."

Soon, it just turns into name-calling.

"Pretty Princess Riku! Nothing's ever good enough--"

"Scrawny little boy." His insults are simple but they pack so much punch that I get really upset.

"Brat!"

"Dickhead."

After a few more dick related insults I know I'm bright red. God, he noticed what happened earlier and now he's using it against me. No, Riku, you can't use _those _things against me. That's not even fair.

I storm out and he slams the door. It almost hits me as I leave.

Bastard.

God, I feel… _terrible. _Does he feel bad? No, probably not. I'm never talking to him again, I swear. Who does he think he is?

…Where am I going to sleep? He took the bed and there's no way I'm going back in there. Well, crap. Now I'm stuck without pajamas (blue sheep or otherwise) and without a bed. There's another guest room downstairs... I'll sleep there. I strip down to my boxers and slide under the covers. It i_s _weird sleeping alone. I'm not used to it. Better it's way better than being with Riku.

Even if it is a little lonely.

(Just a little bit!)

I don't know what time it is when I wake up in the morning. I don't know where the clock is. But it's cold and a little dark so it must be really early. I hear something and get up, slowly, and walk out into the living room. It's Dad.

"You're up early." He says.

"What time is it?" It comes out more like 'Whut 'ime ih ih?' I'm _really _tired.

"6:00AM. I'm finishing some stuff up for work."

"Oh."

"Go to bed."

Good idea.

--

Two hours later Dad's gone and it's just me and the devil man. It looks like he's been up for a while.

"You slept in." He says, all condescending. So what, you get up earlier.

"Whatever."

I guess we were overdue for our first fight anyway. It had to happen sooner or later. I make my way into the kitchen. When Riku starts walking out neither of us bother to move and our shoulders hit. I glare at him, but he doesn't pay any attention. While Riku's downstairs I take this opportunity to go back to my room, brush my teeth and shower. After I come out of the bathroom I realize…all of my clothes are out of the dresser and thrown on the floor. _Riku…! _After I get dressed I throw it all back in the dresser and take Riku's clothes out. I don't leave it all on the floor, but I mix everything and put it all in different drawers. It's immature, but Riku started it.

I act like nothing happened as I walk back downstairs. I casually ask Riku why he threw my stuff out. He said it was in the way.

Bastard.

Well, whatever. I'll just wait until later tonight when Riku can't find where any of his stuff is. I don't know if I made a face or what, because Riku bolts up and runs upstairs.

Everything's quiet for a moment before he shouts,

"You _fucker!_"

I just shrug.

God, what are we going to do when he have fights like this? We can't do things like this. We can't name call and throw out each other's stuff and ignore each other. We have to talk, we have to work it out. I sit on the couch, put my head in my hands, and sigh.

It's not my fault, I'm not going to apologize. Riku needs to learn that he can't _do _this to me. He can't just get into a bad mood and treat me like absolute crap. At least this house is big enough for us to be alone and not be constantly around each other.

I hardly catch Riku as he comes back downstairs and out the front door.

"Where are you going?" I ask boredly.

"None of your business."

"Yeah, well, take your time." I'm not sure if he hears me; he's out the door pretty quickly. I slide down into the couch. Maybe it's not just me… maybe Riku's going to be like this to everyone. I wish I knew what was going on in his head, the jackass.

Dad comes back before Riku does, and I'm a little worried.

"Did you have lunch already?" He asks, throwing his jacket on the couch. I shake my head. "Where's Riku?" I just shrug.

"He said he wanted to go out."

"Did he say where he was going…?"

"No."

"Did he say when he'd be back?"

"No."

Dad bites his lip. "How long's he been gone for?"

"A half and hour, maybe."

"If he's not back by the time I leave back for work I'm going to look for him." He's talking more to himself than to me. "This isn't a bad neighborhood or anything, but…anyway… I'll make something for lunch."

Riku comes in a few minutes later. I completely ignore him and he completely ignores me. This goes on for the rest of the day.

--

Even the next day, we don't argue, but we pretty much ignore each other. I've been sleeping downstairs, Riku's upstairs…we're hardly even in the same room at the same time. Riku's perfectly "sweet" to Dad, but he's _icy _to me.

It's killing me but I still don't feel like I should have to go crawling back because I didn't do anything wrong. And Riku can be just _vicious. _I'll just say something--sometimes to myself, not even to him-- and he has to have something insulting to say back. I wish I had the courage to tell him to 'fuck off'. But it's kind of hot, too.

…Wait a minute… no! I can't say things like that.

God… I know that I have to be big about this and I can't be petty. Maybe I will just apologize.

"Hey, Riku…" I start.

He looks at me to speak and I'm afraid it's going to be something horribly mean. Instead, he says, "I'm sorry."

"…What?"

"I don't know what came over me. You okay?"

"Yeah… I'm fine."

Completely unexpected. What the hell…? It's great but… what? He pulls me back into a hug and ruffles my hair. "I don't want to fight again… that was awful." He nods.

"I'm going upstairs." He says, then turns to leave. I offer a small wave.

What was _that?_

--

I head upstairs soon, too. I half-expect Riku to be bitchy again, but he's fine. His jacket's off for once, I can see the scars on his arms. I've decided before that it's not so bad, it's not too noticeable, but I always expect his arms to look beaten up and awful.

As much as I trust him, I want to get everything cleared up, once and for all.

"Can I ask you about your arms?" I ask, laying one hand on the arm nearest to me. I'm kind of surprised I just went up asking about it. Usually I have to think about these things in advance. I never just start thinking about these things out of nowhere…

"No." He says. I shrug and get up to leave. He then says, "Yeah." I turn right back around and sit.

"Did you… do all of that to yourself? You know… on purpose?" I try not to sound accusing or pitying or, even worse, disgusted. (I never would be! Not of him…)

He's quiet for a moment. "Those two," He says, finally, "Are because of Nathan." He puts his hand right above two small white scars. "This one," His points to one on his lower arm. "And this one," He points to one on his other arm, "Are when I…" He doesn't need to finish. I know it's because he cut himself there. "I really do fucking _hate _blood." I think that's supposed to be reassuring.

He shakes his head and points to one near his hand. "I burned myself there, accidentally." He points to one next to it. "And I burned myself there, on purpose." I don't need to ask him for an explanation, he goes right ahead. "Nathan would come home late sometimes, go out drinking… I'd make dinner. A few times I burned myself accidentally. He reacted so weird… he'd see the mark and just _wince _and he wouldn't come home late for a while after that. I did it on purpose a few times because… I liked to see him squirm."

"Morbid." I comment.

He grins. "I know."

"Why did you even start? The cutting, I mean." I don't get it. I'll never get it.

"You know… it's funny." He frowns. "I was introduced to the whole concept by…" He is about to say a name, but cuts himself off. "By… someone close to me. He said that it could help. I tried once and it didn't help me. I tried again and it still didn't help." He smiles to himself. "I wanted so badly for it to work that I'd _dream_ about it."

"What are the other ones?" I ask, quietly, putting a hand on Riku's shoulder. He doesn't respond. I don't push. "Alright, then… who was that person close to you?" He shakes his head.

"Don't make me say it." There's still something playful in his voice. "It was… you know that leader of that gang? The one that beat the shit out of you."

I pause for a long time. They were close? I wouldn't have been able to guess that, from the way they acted around each other that one night… that guy pulled a gun on Riku… "Yeah." He says, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Think about that one for a while."

I think, for once, Riku feels good to get some stuff off his chest.

--

At dinner, Dad announces it. It's September, school's starting, and we need to start a normal life. We have to go register. Tomorrow.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." He apologizes. "I didn't know about it myself."

"No, it's fine!" I insist. "I understand."

Riku nods, slowly. "Fine." He agrees. I glance over at him and he just shrugs. Dad explains we can sleep in tomorrow if we want-- we don't need to be at school until the afternoon.

"There are two schools I have in mind." Dad continues. "There's a private school, and a public school a bit closer to home. The private school is supposed to be excellent, it--" Riku shoots me a look, as if I have something to do with this.

I don't mean to cut him off, but I just _have to. _"I don't know about private school, Dad… I mean…"

Dad grins. "I get it. That's fine. We'll check out the other place. It's supposed to be another fantastic school, anyway." I don't know why I hate the thought of private school, but I do. Sometime later Dad also mentions going to the dentist, the day after tomorrow. Oh, God, I hate the dentist. It's going to be awful, I'm sure my teeth are in pretty bad condition after not exactly paying attention to them for a few months.

Ugh… that just _sounds _gross…

Riku excuses himself early, like he usually does. Now that he's gone, I want to tell Dad everything about Riku. Why I'm scared to death about how Riku's going to react about being back at school. But Riku would find out and KILL me. And, anyway, he deserves his privacy... Leave his feelings to him, he can handle it.

After dinner I head right upstairs, rather than helping Dad with the dishes like I do normally. I just want to see Riku, want to sleep next to him again. He's there like he almost always is, laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought. I lay next to him, on my stomach, and put my hand on his chest. He puts his hand over mine.

"I missed you." He says, suddenly. He doesn't sound sad or anything. He just… says it. I think I know what he's talking about-- first I was with Donald and Goofy for a few days and hardly saw him, and then we had that fight…

Was he lonely? Like, when Donald and Goofy were here. And I'd want so badly include him, my best friends wanted him so badly for him to not even be there… Did he feel left out? When I invited him to come with us, out walking, and Donald said Riku couldn't go… and we stood there, Riku, then me and Donald and Goofy, standing a few feet away from him… it was like, Us versus Riku.

But I'm probably overanalyzing. Riku's shown that he's somewhat of the jealous type (or was it just with Raye?), but I really don't think he can care any less about my friends and what they say than he already does.

"I missed you too." I reply, after about… oh, only ten minutes. "I…" I want to say 'I love you', but "I missed you." Comes out instead.

"How pathetic are we?" Riku says then, shaking his head but smirking. I roll on top of him.

"Hopeless." I grin. I kiss his lips and he puts his arms around me.

"And disgusting." I think I hear him mutter.

I don't mind being disgusting.

--

Riku and I both wake up early this morning, but stay in bed for a while. We lay next to each other, not speaking. We just sit here in silence, enjoying each other's company.

"Sora, move over."

Well, kind of.

Riku slides down and puts an arm around me. I rest my head on his chest and doze off.

I wake up alone; I can hear the water running. Riku must be in the shower, then. I start to get up before figuring there's no point to. Dad said I can sleep in, I'm going to sleep in.

Or something.

It's so light in the room, it doesn't matter. I won't get anymore sleep. I half-consider seeing if I can get my timing right and "accidentally" catch Riku getting out of the shower again.

When did I become a pervert? God… "'Morning." He says as he comes out of the bathroom, fully dressed. "You planning on getting up any time soon?" He's not condescending this time-- he's just joking like a normal person, a friend, would.

"No, never." I reply. "I'm never getting out of bed. You can bring me food and water, and occasionally you'll have to roll me over from being so dazed all the time." No response from the boyfriend. "Because I'll be sleeping so much…"

"Sounds fun." He replies. Finally.

"Definitely."

"Okay, now get up."

"Yes, sir!" I answer, bouncing out of bed and giving him a short salute. God, what's up with me? I feel weird, like being crazy. Is this how I used to feel before the whole running away mess? But, also, I'm excited and nervous about all this stuff that's going to be happening-- school…it seems so real now. It's not like something that may happen in the future. It's _going_ to happen, and soon. Now, the question is: will Riku stick around?

All things considered, I think Riku's doing well. He seems happy--at the moment, at least. I think, as I always do, that this could totally turn him around. I know it's none of my business, but I just want him to be happy. Knowing he's happy will keep me happy forever.

Riku flops back down on the bed and, as if he's read my mind, asks, "So… school… are you excited or nervous or...what?"

"Both. How about you?"

He just shrugs and closes up again. "I don't care." I can't help but roll my eyes. I don't say anything-- we just fought, and I don't want to upset him. I'm sure he doesn't want to upset me either. (I hope. It's only fair, right?) None of us want to overstep our boundaries for a while. I get up, kiss his forehead, and head into the bathroom.

I guess I'm not sleeping in after all.

The day is completely typical until we all load into the car to be driven to school. Riku sits directly behind me, but I'm clutching his hand the whole time. It takes us fifteen minutes to arrive. What are we going to do once the first day rolls around? I mean, it's too far to walk. Dad has to leave early to work, he can't take us… I'll be sure to ask about it later, I guess… We'll probably just take the bus, like I did most of the time at my old school.

"Everyone out." Dad says cheerfully, after a moment of no one moving when the car is parked. He sounds tired, too.

"You alright?" I ask Riku, in the short time between Dad getting out of the car and the two of us getting out. He lazily gives me a thumbs-up.

"Fine. Why?"

I shrug. "Just wondering." I'm about to leave, when he puts his hand on my shoulder.

"You don't have to worry about me so much." His voice is completely calm, but he does shoot a little glare my way. Just enough to get the point across, I guess.

Like that'll work.

--

The whole thing ends up being pretty anticlimactic. Dad, Riku, and I sit in chair's across from the principal's desk. Dad does most of the talking.

Right away, Dad explains the situation. He doesn't at all, however, give too much information as he talks about me and Riku both running away and missing out on a lot of school. The principal, Mr. Millerasks us how long we've been away.

I guess you could say I was lucky. I missed maybe three months. Riku missed about three years.

"What are we going to do about it?" I don't know why I'm surprised when Riku speaks up. "How do I catch up?" We all get what he really, truly means: 'You _are _going to put me in the appropriate grade level'. Of course, considering who I'm talking about here, a little 'or I'll kill you' is optional.

"We'll see what we can do." Mr. Miller says. "We have tutors here, or you could take classes on the weekend to catch up. I'll make sure to it that you aren't put into a lower grade level than you should be." He isn't at all condescending. Riku nods.

"Me, too?" I ask, just to say something.

"Of course."

Dad glances over at me and squeezes my hand. For the rest of the time Mr. Miller talks to Dad, with an occasional question or comment for one of us. Riku's oddly talkative, and totally charming. I never see him like this. Well, sometimes with Dad, but…

God, Riku, who _are _you?

"It's going to be hard to catch up, but I will fully expect if from the both of you." We nod. I'm going to do better than I did before.

Dad stands up and shakes hands with Mr. Miller and takes some paperwork. Then Riku stands up, and I do, too. Is it over already?

Mr. Miller says we can browse through the school if we like.

"Dad, can we?" I ask, as we leave the principal's office.

Dad shrugs. "Sure. But I'm just going to wait in the car. You know where we parked, right?" I nod, and drag Riku with me as I go to look around.

Like everything else here, it's _huge. _Everything looks nice and shiny and new. The classrooms are large and spacious, with nice, non-graffitied on desks. My old school wasn't that bad, I guess. In serious need of remodeling and funding, but… it would seem like a cardboard box compared to this place. I'm excited. I just can't stop wondering about what the people who go here will be like, what the teachers are like…

I take Riku's hand and kiss it. He shoves me against a locker and kisses me, hard. We don't _do _anything, other than stand here, our lips pressed together. I wrap my arms around Riku but don't pull him any closer. I glance away for a moment, catching some staff member catching _us_, staring for a moment, then leaving. I'm oddly _not _embarrassed.

I pull Riku closer.

He pulls away.

Weird.

--

We take our time walking through the halls, out of school, and to Dad's car. When I open the font seat passenger door, I say, "Sorry we took a while."

Dad shakes his head. "It's fine. You were only gone for about fifty years." He grins and ruffles my hair. He turns back to look at Riku. "You okay?"

Riku says, "Good."

"Good." Dad repeats. "Good." I stare out the window and space out most of the way home. When Dad speaks up again it scares the crap out of me. "You both have a dentist appointment today, too."

"Okay, Dad."

"I'm sorry for just springing all of this on you so suddenly." He just keeps saying. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine!" I insist. I don't care; at least I can actually _see _you now...

I should say that, but I don't.

--

The dentist appointment went fine. The dentist wasn't very hot, so there weren't any embarrassing slip-ups like at the doctor's. Our teeth aren't looking too bad all things considered. (Thank God!)

Brush in circular motions and floss. Plaque is bad.

Nothing I haven't heard before. But… God, poor Riku. He hates the dentist too, evidently. I heard they nearly had to knock him out to get him to comply with the dentist. Oh, Riku, Riku, Riku…

"Hey, Sora." He asks. (Speaking of which.) I'm sitting on the bed, he's laying down with his head in my lap. I absently stroke his hair.

"Huh?"

"I've never asked you this but I've been meaning to."

"Yeah?"

"What the hell is up with you and my hair?" I stop, mid-stroke.

"…What do you mean?" I've never noticed anything weird…

"This-- you do this all the time. You always have. " I lean back a little, my hands behind me, propping me up so Riku doesn't have to move.

"I don't know." I admit. "I just… I think it's comforting and affectionate, you know? But it's not over-the-top or overbearing or anything."

"Or slobbery." Riku adds, sticking his tongue out at me for a moment. "You're fucking _weird._" He sits up and faces me, legs crossed, hands on his knees. He pulls me over and kisses me again. Another short kiss.

I grin. What's _up _with him today? Considering everything that's going on… he's oddly cheerful.

"School starts Monday." I say absently. "What's today?"

"Thursday."

We both flop over, making the bed bounce just a little. I turn over and hug his arm. I'm going to savor being able to do absolutely nothing.

I'm going to savor this moment.

--

The next day we bought school supplies, but everything else was pretty uneventful.

Friday and Saturday flew by; it's now Sunday night and Riku, Dad, and I are sitting on the couch watching a movie. I think it's the same movie I slept through last week. I don't remember.

During a commercial break Dad says, "Now that you guys are in school things are going to change." I don't like the sound of this. Riku and I glance at each other. "I want you both to do your homework as soon as you get home. I expect you both to keep your grades up. Both of you are old enough to get a part-time job. You don't have to; I don't care. I just want you both to think about it. Keep college in mind. You've been away from this kind of stuff for so long, I don't want it to sneak up on you all of the sudden, okay?"

We both nod.

"Great. You can go out on weeknights, be home by--"

"No." Riku says, and it takes Dad and I both by surprise.

"Huh?"

"I'm not going to 'do' curfews." He's not bratty or whiny. He speaks with a sense of authority that even Dad lacks. "I'll keep my grades up, I'll get a job. But I'm going to be able to come and go."

Dad doesn't reply. I think he's a little surprised--- I think we both are. Dad rebounds quickly.

"Just use common sense. Be as free as you want-- but be safe, and be in contact."

Riku gets up and leaves.

"Why aren't you stricter?" I ask, after a moment. "With Riku…"

Dad just smiles. "You said he was homeless for three years." I shudder at the word 'homeless'. Homeless, to me, isn't what we were doing; we were running toward something and just didn't happen to have a place to live. Or food. But I guess we were just homeless. "This must be a hard transition. I want him to still have a little sense of freedom, you know? I know I can give you these rules."

"Gee, thanks."

"You have a good head on your shoulders and I know I can trust you."

I shut up.

"I don't know Riku. I'll be curious to see how trustworthy he is. Once school starts and he--and you, and me, too-- get settled, I'll be harder on him. Do you think that's unfair for you?"

"No!" I say quickly. "I was just curious. I didn't mean anything by it."

Dad nods.

"What was that all about?" I ask Riku after I head into our room. We're getting ready for bed now. We have to wake up early to catch the bus.

"What?" He asks, as if he's totally innocent.

"The curfew thing."

He just says, "I don't want a curfew." But I still don't get it. We both crawl into bed. We're close to each other. Our bodies are touching. My hand's on his shoulder. I lean over to kiss him, but he turns around.

I fall asleep wondering what _that _ was about.

--

I didn't know that we have an alarm clock until it screeches at us at 6:30AM. I throw it off the table and it shuts up. I flop over. Why did someone set the alarm…?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. I have school today. Riku and I have to go to school.

"Riku, I don't wanna get up." I murmur. I feel the bed bounce a little as Riku gets up and stretches.

"Get up." He says, and it somewhat reminds me of when we were still running away.

"No."

He leans over and gets his face close to mine. "If you get up I'll… _give _you _something_."

I get it-- I get it. I shoot up and rush into the bathroom. I clumsily wash up and get dressed. When I come out, Riku's already dressed and making the bed. I think he was in the bathroom before me, too…

"So…?" I ask. "What is it? What were you going to give me?"

He throws a pillow in my face.

"That."

Bastard.

"You… _suck._" I say, sticking my tongue out. He laughs. We both grab out backpacks and go downstairs.

"Eat breakfast." Is the first thing Dad says when we see him.

We both get toast. Riku makes tea, I steal the rest of Dad's coffee. We leave in the morning before Dad now. He wishes us good luck.

I think Riku's glad to get out. I know this because as soon as we get out he says, "Thank _God._"

And I ask, "Glad to get out?"

And he says, "Yes."

I know him so well…

We walk to a bus stop that I never noticed before. There are some other kids our age with backpacks, standing and talking. I'm just glad that I know someone and can talk to him.

"Hey, Riku…" I say. Riku ignores me.

Or not.

The bus comes a few minutes later and we all slowly get on. Riku and I sit somewhere near the back. There are two girls behind us who are really loud and annoying.

I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. You'd think after getting about four hours asleep every night for so long, I'd be able to get up for school in the morning…

Someone taps my forehead.

"Wake up, twerp." Riku says. I fell asleep? I rub my eyes and Riku helps me up. I start walking to the aisle when Riku tells me that I've "forgotten something". I'm wearing pants, right…? I look back and see my backpack. I grab it and quickly rush out. I need to catch up with Riku.

Oh, and for the record, I am wearing pants.

God. I knew the school is huge, but it looks so much bigger when it's full of people. I take my schedule out of my pocket, hoping I'll be able to find my classes. I hope I'll be able to find my locker. Sighing, we walk past the 'Occiana Public High School' sign and into the building.

"Hey, Riku…" I say. I turn around and I can't see him anywhere. I turn over again and finally catch him. "Riku!" I say, louder.

"I'm going to my locker."

"But…"

"But…? Sora, I'm going now."

"Going?!" To his locker. God, Sora, calm down. He's not going to leave town, so _calm down._

He shakes his head. "You know where everything is." He leaves. Well, here I am. All on my own. I start back for my locker and crash into someone.

"Watch it!" They say.

"Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry." I mumble.

"Whatever." He says, dismissing the whole thing and leaving.

I hope that's not a bad omen.

--

I make it to class in one piece! Right before the bell rings, too. I sit in the middle seat in the third of five rows. One of the loud annoying girls from the bus sits next to me. She leans over the other way and starts talking to someone. I wish Riku were in my class.

The teacher comes in, introduces herself, and asks us to take out a pencil.

Shit. I don't have one. I hope _that's _not a bad omen. I tap the shoulder of the girl next to me to ask for an extra, and she has one.

"I'm Sora." I blurt out. Okay… an introduction was not needed there… I could have just shut up once I got the pencil.

"I'm Kairi." She whispers.

"Nice to meet you." I say, right as she turns around to face the front of the room.

"Yeah." She says. I have no clue what she means by that. Does it mean 'shut up'? It means 'shut up', doesn't it? Do I talk too much? Was I always this insecure?

God, all of this is surreal. I'm so glad that today should be nice and easy. My first class has mainly been filling out papers and going over class rules.

After the bell rings I look around to find Riku. I give up after a while and head to my locker and my next class.

It's pretty much the same thing there. A lot of going over rules, a lot of introductions. I still have Kairi's pencil, so no reason to talk to anyone.

Lunchtime comes, finally. I'm hungry and am already sick of sitting at a desk writing all day. I miss Riku-- how sad is that? It's only been a few hours. I get into the lunch line. Kairi's in front of me.

"Hi." I say. She turns around and smiles.

"Hi." She replied.

We don't talk much more than that.

--

I get a slice of pizza and a soda and sit under a large tree. Before I eat I lean back and close my eyes.

"Hey."

Riku.

Thank God.

"Hi!" I reply, much too happily. "I guess we had the same idea of where to eat."

"Hm."

"So, how's it been going?"

He thinks for a moment.

"Fine."

I lean over to kiss him, not even thinking about the fact that we're in a public place. It doesn't matter, I guess. I've seen enough people making out in the halls that it probably won't make any difference. Before my face even nears his, someone comes running out and tackles him. The other annoying girl from the bus.

"Ohrikuhiwhat'sup?!"

It…looks like he's made some friends already?

Riku looks just as stunned as I feel.

Kairi comes running over next.

"Oh, no… did she attack?" She asks. I grin as I turn back to see Riku pushing her away.

"She came out of nowhere." I reply, faking shock. Kairi grins, too.

"We always sit here." She says, after a minute.

"Should we move?"

"No, you're fine." She and the other girl sit down across from us. "This is Sora." Kairi says to her friend, motioning to me with a chopstick.

"I'm Selphie." Says the other girl. She looks over at Riku. "This is my girlfriend, Kairi." Kairi shoves her.

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Don't be shy, pookie--"

"Seriously…" Kairi says, shoving Selphie one more time. "I have a boyfriend."

"A mysterious one who no one's ever seen or heard from." Selphie adds.

"He goes to another school."

Uncomfortable pause--- really, really, uncomfortable pause.

"So," Selphie says, changing the subject, "Riku-- who's he?"

"Sora." He says, and that's it. Not 'my boyfriend, Sora'. Not even 'my friend, Sora'.

"Uh…huh." She says, not at all satisfied, either. "And your relation to him is…?"

"I'm his boyfriend." I say, before Riku even opens his mouth to speak.

"Oh, really?" Kairi asks, her mouth full of food.

"You're cute together. Sushi?" Selphie pulls a small piece from her lunch bag.

"That's mine." …Or Kairi's.

"You weren't going to eat it."

"Yeah, I was." Kairi argues.

"Bitch."

"Slut." A pause. "Sushi?" Kairi offers.

--

"So," Selphie says after a while. Riku and I have been talking (kind of), and for a while Kairi and Selphie were talking to each other, completely ignoring us. "Riku just moved here, so did you, too?" Shit. I don't know what Riku's saying. I don't know if he's been telling people the truth about him running away, or if he's just saying he moved here from some place. We're really going to have to talk about this. Maybe it's not a big deal, but…

"Yeah." I say.

Kairi grins. "So, two lover-boys show up out of no where, both coming from parts unknown? Mysterious." She laughs, and so does Selphie and, to my surprise, Riku. I join in. I feel nervous suddenly, like this is all slightly… off. "I'm kind of new here, too. I was home schooled for most of my life. I might go back; I don't know."

"If I were you I'd escape while I still have the chance." Riku replies quickly, with a laugh. This comment earns a laugh from Kairi.

God, I hope he's not hinting at anything. I shoot him a look and I think he gets it, because his eyes meet mine and he just shakes his head. I don't know exactly what that means though… I put my hand on his and keep it there. God, I _miss _him.

The bell rings suddenly, and I jump. I was _not _expecting it. I thought I had more time.

"Warning bell. Ten more minutes." Selphie says, to no one in particular. Riku gets up.

"I'm going now." He states simply, also to no one in particular. He takes his stuff and leaves. I don't think he notices when I get up and follow him. There aren't a lot of people in the halls, so I take this chance to latch onto him and rest my head against him.

"I missed you." I murmur into his back. He grabs my arm and pulls me off, then pulls me against his chest.

"You okay?" He asks. I didn't think he'd be the one asking me that. I've always handled these things better! I didn't think I'd be getting so overwhelmed, so clingy…

"I'm good." I explain. "I just miss you."

"You leech." He says. He doesn't have a joking type of tone in his voice, but I don't think he's serious… I laugh, anyway.

"I'll see you after school, then. Meet me at my locker?"

"Sure." Is his only reply. He breaks loose from my grip and walks away. For some reason, going back to Kairi and Selphie makes me--I don't know-- really glad. I think if I have them then I don't have to worry about not having friends, then. And of course, I have Riku.

The bell rings again. This time, people at surrounding tables start leaving to head to their next classes. "Sora, what class do you have next?" Kairi asks. I hand her my schedule. "Me, too!" She says. "Let's walk together." It's not a question.

--

My next two classes drag on. Until the last bell finally rings I have this horrible sinking feeling that it won't end. But now I'm heading over to my locker to wait for Riku. He's here almost immediately. We're both oddly quiet as we walk to the bus stop. I absently note that Kairi and Selphie aren't here. We sit somewhere near where we sat this morning. Riku and I both slump forward, resting on each other.

"Tired?" I ask.

"Very."

We remain quiet until our stop arrives and we get out. We're both lost in thought, I guess. Dad's not even here when we walk in. I guess we'll be seeing even less of him, now that we won't be there for his lunch break. When I used to dream about living with Dad, I thought I'd actually see him more than I do now. I guess I thought that he'd constantly be around. Unrealistic, I know…

As we both automatically walk upstairs, I just try to start a conversation. I ask if he has homework. He says a little. I agree.

We're such a fun and lively couple.

Since most everything, homework-wise, is paperwork and more class rules crap, we're done quickly.

I don't know what comes over me, now. Riku's sitting next to me, concentrating on reading over some stuff…and… I don't know. I don't know if it's because I missed being around him today, or if he just _looks _good today (he does!) but I pounce.

I mean it-- I _pounce. _I dive at Riku, tackling him to the ground.

"_Sora_?"

I wrap my arms around him and shift around until I'm comfortably positioned on top of him. Riku probably thinks I'm insane right now but I don't care. I run my fingers through his hair as I kiss him, small and chaste kisses on his lips, his forehead, his cheeks.

After a few minutes, Riku grabs my shoulders and pulls me off him. "Are you through?" He asks.

Sheepishly, I reply, "Yes." He offers a real, genuine smile, different from his grins and laughs during school today.

He turns over and rests his head on his arm.

"What are we going to tell people?" I ask, suddenly.

"What are you talking about?" Riku replies, glancing over at me lazily.

"Are we going to really tell people where we're from?"

Riku shakes his head. "I'd just stay as vague as possible. Obviously, I don't say a word about you, and you don't say one about me." I nod. I guess that'll be easy.

"Are you happy here?" I ask, suddenly, later.

A long silence. "Riku?"

"I'm fine here." Is all he says.

"Are you going to stay?"

"For a little while longer."

I grin, suddenly getting the feeling that he's both happy _and _ staying with me forever. The feeling goes as soon as it comes.

I have another feeling, too; one that is saying that everything is going to turn out fine.

I think this feeling's gonna stay.

* * *

Author's note: Oh dear... I just realized I make Sora sound like Jerry Seinfeld. "What's up with that!!!" I really want to throw some more KH characters into the mix, but I'm not sure how I want to do that. I'd rather it not be through the schools; that's been done a lot already. Uh-oh. I hope this story doesn't turn into one of those high school fics. Not appropriate for Runaway!!! 

Also, I don 't know why, but I am suddenly really nervous at uploading new chapters. At first it was just Insane Asylum, but now it's everything.  
A little useless information for you all.


	14. Riku: Life Stress

!Please read!: ffnet is having a serious error... It hasn't been letting me upload anything. I really wanted it all up today, so I found a document I had exported and copied and pasted my fics in. I'll fix any HTML stuff tomorrow, and if anything is weird (chapter 9 of Home is the one I'm messing with), tell me. Thanks.

Note:  
I'm doing something different here. Rather than taking place where Sora's left off, it's his version of his first day of school. Yay! Also, I'm going to fix some of Riku's POV chapters so they're less confusing. I may start deleting stuff that really doesn't fit in this fic and just put them on my LJ as little Home-related drabbles… I guess that's cheating, but this story is getting to be a bit too long already. XD I guess it doesn't matter if I just make the updates come faster. (Gotta love Spring Break, eh?)

Note 2:  
SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE! I don't know how many people read my notes, OR my profile, but the lack of updates was stemming from both a lack of inspiration and a lot of stuff happening in school. Well, not so much "a lot of stuff happening" as "my need to be a perfectionist and get straight As". XD Ha, ha. (Though, honestly, I did have mid-terms and the like.) But, I'm done and this chapter is twelve pages:D Hopefully I took out all my notes to myself this time…

Home  
Chapter 14  
(Riku's POV)

God, the bus ride is bumpy. You'd think someone would be paying to pave these roads…

I woke up in the morning at six AM on the dot and I did not get any sleep last night. I was so anxious I was having nightmares. I could have puked, I could have.

And today… I feel…

Oddly calm. I hope it's not the "calm before the storm" though I figure it probably is. With me, there's always "the storm". I sigh quietly. This sucks, it really does. Especially when you start the morning too early: with a half an hour to kill. Not enough time to get more sleep, not enough time to start something…

Now, I at least take this time to be alone with my thoughts, even through all the noise of the children talking and--well, teens I guess; they are my age. But I feel so much older.

Ha… I'm always alone with my thoughts, anyway. Even when I suppose, physically, I'm not alone. Sora's right next to me. I feel strangely comforted by his presence, too. I guess I realize now that if I really need to, I can talk to him. About my day.

About my first day of school.

Mm, those words have a slightly headache-inducing ring to them. I feel totally and completely nauseated.

No, I am not going to throw up. I am not going to throw up.

I already did, this morning.

Okay, maybe I am more stressed about this than I thought, but… I really think I can make this out to be a good thing. Just catch up a little, it'll be good that I'll at least be able to say that I went to high school, even for the short time I will be going…

-

_God, I only had the chance to rest in bed for a moment before the alarm went off, scaring the shit out of me and waking Sora. He groaned and flipped over, pulling the pillow over his head, telling me he was not going to get up, was not going to get out of bed…_

-

I know the feeling.

I wonder if he's feeling as though there's been a change. Or does he feel the way that he did when he went to his old school, his old "home"? I know I don't feel the same as I did in Darry. This is a different kind of dread.

And, currently, Sora is… asleep. I'll never know how he can sleep on this smelly, crowded, noisy old bus, lurching and jerking with every crack, crease or bump on the road, stopping and starting with the early morning traffic.

I am going to throw up.

I slowly put my head in my hands, trying to calm my stomach, trying to get my headache to go away, trying not to wake Sora. Oh, are we there yet? For one odd moment I feel like a little kid: are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

JESUS CHRIST, BUS DRIVER, ARE WE FUCKING THERE YET?

Oh, boy… just calm down. Calm down.

When the bus slows down and finally comes to a stop, I wish that we hadn't gotten there so quickly. Now that we're here… I'm… what? Nervous

I'm fine. Really, this isn't a big deal. I shake Sora awake and we slowly push through the mob of rowdy, obnoxious teens. Now that we're out in the fresh air (as fresh as we'll get in the city), my stomach has definitely settled though I'm still extremely anxious. I just want to go straight to my locker, straight to my classes, no mess, no fuss.

But Sora just won't get off me. He's so clingy. I want to say: You're nervous, great. I am too and I'm not making a show of it. Bugger.

Instead I smile it off, with nothing more than a playful, "You leech." And shake my head and leave.

The short journey to my locker is relatively painless. I'm not ignored, exactly, but no one bothers to draw any attention to me. This is all I've ever wanted: to be left alone.

Maybe this will be easier than I thought. The lockers are brand new, shiny paint and all. The lock turns swiftly and doesn't catch, doesn't squeak when I open it. Everything I don't need fits neatly and perfectly inside. My first class is right near here; I'm early, but I don't care. I'll just sit over in the back and read a book that Mr. Hart got for me when we went out back-to-school shopping.

When I walk in, I do just that. There's no one here, though some teachers and administrators keeping coming in in out. Every time I hear that door open I absently wonder which one of them teaches in this room.

"You're early." A voice says. I jump--I swear to God-- almost out of my fucking shoes.

"Yeah, I am." I reply. Eh, it'll take me a while to come up with clever responses again.

The woman-- the teacher, I can only assume, sits at the desk at the front of the room and types something on the computer.

"Are you in this class?" She asks, hardly even concentrating on me. Doesn't matter.

"If this is C22." Not great, but a sure step up from 'yeah, I am'.

"This is. Name?"

"Imakura."

"Interesting name! Where are you from?"

"I don't know where the name comes from, if that's what you mean." She doesn't reply. I hear more typing, and a click.

"There. Okay, one less name to call this morning."

What I was about to say next I'm afraid will end up condescending, so I bite my tongue and go back to my book. I can still hardly concentrate-- still anxious, though less so, and all I can think about is how this book was bought for me by Sora's dad. These clothes, my school supplies, everything was. I don't know why it freaks me out, but it does.

Slowly, more people come in. A small group of three boys. They sit in a small cluster across the room from me, talking and laughing, cutting each other down, tossing insults. It's all joking, but they still don't seem at all catty. The boys in Darry were all oddly, almost girlishly, catty. Maybe it was just to me-- I could beat the crap out of any of those guys, so what else was there to do? Spread rumors. Make fun.

But, I guess what I'm trying to say is, the people here already look like an improvement. Maybe I won't make the specific point to isolate myself, maybe, but I'm not in over my head. I know that I'm only here for a while, there's no point in getting close to people again. And, anyway, I'm here to learn, to be able to say I went to high school for a while. Not to make friends.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

God, Riku, just read.

-

My mind drifts; I hope that I'll be able to stay in this seat here, God, I hated sitting in the center of the room in Darry. Damn alphabetical seating charts-- I always ended up next to Nero, too. He was "K", I was "I" and there never seemed to be any "J"s. Then it occurs to me: I have no enemies here. No one knows me.

A huge wave of relief washes over me. I totally forgot… I didn't even consider…

Ah, it's comforting. It's so comforting.

I don't know why I'm so tense in the first place… it's safe to say that I am completely over everything that happened in that godforsaken school in Darry. The teachers, the staff, the students… they were idiots, not worth my time. I do get lost in the memories, that's simply how I am. I know I get depressed but, it's not that. True it wasn't fair, but life isn't.

It's just that… I don't know what I would do if it all happened again. I wonder how things are going for Sora?

-

The bell rings and students begin pouring in in small groups. I casually glance around at all of the unfamiliar faces. I don't even recognize anyone from the bus. I pay no attention to the people who sit in front of me and to my side. I stay in my own little corner, in my own little world.

"Sucks that summer's gone, huh?" It takes me a full thirty seconds before I realize that loud chick next to me is trying to start a conversation.

"Sure." I can't tell the difference, anyway. Fuck, I could use a vacation already…

"What are you reading?"

"A book."

"Uh-huh. Okay, I'll stop annoying you now."

I almost say 'great', but instead reply, "I'm Riku."

She offers a smile. "Selphie. Good! Now I have a friend in this class." Shit. I'm making friends. Some other girl calls for her, and Selphie rushes over to another table. Well, that was short lived…

The teacher stands up, tells us--I'm not kidding-- to "simmer", and everyone takes their precious time getting back to their desks and shutting up. When the girl… ah, hell, she has a name. (Calling Sora 'that kid' for half the time I knew him didn't stop me from getting attached.) So, Selphie sits back next to me but doesn't say another word.

I really don't mind.

The teacher goes on for a minute, talking about some partner projects, to help everyone get 'acquainted'.

Oh, oh, fuck.

Selphie turns around. "Partner?"

"Sure."

She takes two papers from the teacher and looks at them for a moment.

"I love the deep and philosophical questions they always have you fill out." She hands me a paper. "'What's your favorite color?' is a personal favorite."

"I'm partial to 'What's your favorite animal?'" I reply.

"'If you were a river, what would you be?'" She continues, and I finally say,

"Wet."

She laughs, snorts, and laughs some more. Once she calms down she asks me the first question: "How old are you?"

"Sixteen."

She writes it down.

"Fourteen." She says. "Fifteen in November. Is that close enough?"

"Fourteen?" I ask.

"I skipped the grade." She explains. Well, obviously she did. "I don't look it… or act like it, but I am very smart."

I don't want to say anything mean, so I just go on to the next question. What do you know… it really is 'what's your favorite color?'

She says yellow.

"Mine too." I reply, absently.

She squeaks and smiles. "Really? That's funny! What kind of yellow?" What the fuck kind of question is that?

"Yellow yellow." I say, after a moment.

"Golden-yellow or sunshine yellow?" This girl is insane.

"I don't care." After a pause I change the subject again. "Look, why don't I just fill out my own, and you fill out yours."

She nods. "That would work."

It takes us a nanosecond to switch papers and we fall silent, filling out the answers. The questions quickly change from 'what's your favorite band/animal/TV show?' to 'what college to you want to go to?' I don't know. I don't have a clue. I don't know anything about the colleges here, I never even planned on going to college. Sure, I had my little dreams of running off to my house on the beach and doing… I don't know what, writing, maybe, and being in peace. But those were just that: dreams. I never thought about my real future. How unlike me. You'd think I'd have this all worked out, but... maybe I just figured I wouldn't live long enough to even see the age of eighteen. I couldn't say.

"Geez, Riku, it's a dumb personality sheet, not a test." The sound of Selphie's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?"

She laughs. "You were concentrating so hard. Like your life depended on giving the right answers or something."

I say, "I just couldn't decide if I liked golden-yellow or sunshine-yellow the best." She grins and sticks her tongue out at me.

"Be different. Go for sunshine." Her expression turns serious.

"Wiser words have never been spoken." I say, rolling my eyes. "I'll tattoo it on my arm."

"A simple T-shirt would do, but alright."

"Five minutes!" The teacher warns us all.

"Where are you stuck?" Selphie asks. "Seriously." I slide my paper over. "What college? Oh, that's easy. UOO, right?" She spells it out: you-oh-oh. What's that stand for…? It must be University of Occiana. Not much of a ring to it, I must say.

"Um…"

She cocks her head to the side, much like Sora does. "Did you just move here or something?" I helplessly nod. "Ooh! From where?"

"No where." I reply sharply. She's obviously taken aback by my sudden change in mood.

"Sorry." She mutters. Then, "Just put UOO."

For the rest of the questions, ('what will you be when you grow up?') I can only put a pathetic little "Undecided." It gets easier again as they start asking for contact information. Address, home number, work number. I don't have it all memorized yet, but it's in the inside of my school agenda book. Mr. Hart wrote it in for me when I wasn't looking.

The teacher calls time, and everyone makes their way back to their desks, still talking.

"Quiet." She says. "Well, this is a bit late, but I'm Mrs. Pierson." This earns a few half-hearted chuckles. "Now, we're going to go down the aisles and each one of you will say one thing about yourself." Damn. "It can be from the paper I passed out, or it can be completely unrelated." A pause. "Would anyone like to start?" an even longer pause. "Okay, I'll start: I'm Mrs. Pierson. I've been teaching here for ten years." She puts one hand on her swollen belly. "I'm obviously pregnant." God, am I spacey or what? I never even noticed. Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She goes on for another moment before pointing to some unfortunate sap in front of her. "Would you like to say something about yourself?"

He quietly introduces himself as David and says he likes sports. Well, congratulations, David-whatsyourface. I'm absolutely dreading my turn. It comes much too soon. Damn, I'm screwed.

"I'm Riku," I say, and I actually don't feel awkward. I glance down at my paper and choose to read to first one I see: "My favorite color is yellow." For the corner of my eye I can see Selphie rapidly mouth, 'what kind of yellow?' I smile and turn away. And, just like that, my turn's done.

We end up with about ten minutes of free time at the end of the period. I start to pretend-read again and Selphie goes off to talk to some girls. A group of three or four girls in another corner talk and glance over and giggle. It's a little distracting and a little more than unnerving.

After the bell rings, Selphie rushes to catch up with me as I walk out.

"People are checking you out, New Kid." She says, and slaps me on the back.

…Really hard, actually. She has a lot of strength in that small frame of hers. "So, where are you going next?"

I glance down at my schedule. "English."

"Oh, I don't." Is all she says, and bounces off in the opposite direction.

Well, that whole experience was… interesting.

None of my other classes, for the rest of the day, are too eventful. A few people come up and talk with me for a little while, but certainly none with the charisma Selphie has.

I don't know how I manage to find Sora at the end of the day, but I do. He's standing, patiently, at his locker, absently looking around. He smiles when he sees me and gives a short wave. We don't say a single word from the way from his locker until we reach the bus stop. I don't mind. It would be too annoying if Sora were perky and chatty, I'm so tired. It's sudden, too. I swear I wasn't tired five seconds ago.

There's a smaller crowd waiting for the bus to come than there was this morning. I glance around and catch a glimpse of Selphie and that other girl, the one that I met at lunch, Kairi. They grin and jump up and wave, but I look the other way. Sora doesn't even notice. The bus comes soon enough; everyone loads on, rounded up like cattle. Sora and I head to the middle of the bus like we did this morning. We both collapse onto the seat and slump over.

"Tired?" He asks, finally, with a small grin.

I reply with, "Very." I consider going to sleep like Sora did, but I don't know if I'd be able to. Besides, I can never fall asleep at night if I nap during the afternoon…

I'm going to set a date for when I leave. To make this all real. As soon as I get back to Sora's house I'll start planning.

The ride back is still motion-sickness inducing, but I feel better this time around. Sora is entirely quiet, sans the occasional squeak when the bus hits a sudden speed bump. I glance over and he smiles. God, I love when he smiles at me. So much for not taking these things to heart… For the rest of the trip, I stare out the window, watching the people and buildings pass by.

The bus lurches and screeches to a stop very suddenly. Slowly, everybody starts to get up and spill out onto the sidewalk. The majority of the people go in the opposite direction that we do.

"Back home I always rode the school bus. It's smellier riding the city bus." Sora notes. I don't respond. He smiles at his own joke, and that smile doesn't fade for the whole rest of the way back. He seems to be just as lost in thought as I am. Soon, Sora's house comes into view and we are at the door, Sora searching his pockets for the key. He finds it after a moment, fumbles with the lock, and finally gets the door open. He rushes in, obviously looking for any sign of his father. He, of course, isn't here. Mr. Hart really does seem as if he'll be one of those fathers that buries himself in his work so much that he will never be where he needs to. Nathan was like that, at times.

Well, we'll see how this all turns out, I guess.

"So…" My boyfriend hums. "Have any homework?"

"A little."

"Ah."

Ever fun and exciting, the two of us… My transition from spontaneous to boring and habitual is coming much faster than I thought possible.

We both slowly make our way upstairs. I unzip the messenger bag that Mr. Hart bought me and look over the various papers I need to have signed.

Well, I've made it through my first day. I've sat through obnoxious teachers telling the class that we can't have mommy taking care of us anymore (fuck off! You don't know my situation!), annoying, chattering kids, figuring out how to work my lock combination, and even made a few friends.

So I guess that-- whoa!

It takes me a moment to realize that Sora just fucking tackled me.

"Sora?!" I spit out, finally, just recovering from the initial shock. I wince as his face nears mine and relax when he kisses me. What's gotten into him? I quickly shove him off me. Why…with all of this… am I so…? So, what? Content? Blissful? What exactly am I feeling right now?

"Hey, what are we going to tell people?" Sora asks suddenly.

"Hm? What are you talking about?"

He flips over on his stomach and looks thoughtful. "Are we really going to tell people about where we're from, and everything that's happened?"

I was just hoping no one would ask… the two of us really seemed to have switched. He's put more thought into this than I did. I, of course, thought about it, but… it didn't feel real. I felt like one day I'd wake up and everything would be "normal" and I'd be back out, free, and without Sora. Or that Monday would just never come.

"Stay as vague as possible. I don't tell anyone about you, you don't tell anyone abut me." Tell anyone, even your Dad, anything about me and you are dead, Sora. I'm not about to forget that you already told him about both my birthday and my illogical fear of needles.

I'm not even as mad as I should be. I think about it and could almost laugh. Sora's just… like that. Can't keep his mouth shut. He asks, then, "Are you happy here?"

I don't know. I haven't thought that much into this yet…

"I'm fine here."

"Are you going to stay?"

"For a little while longer." A little while, a few weeks, really. God, I've been here too long already, haven't I?

I'm not going to panic or do anything of the kind. I'm just going to wait and see.

Wait and see.

Sora looks... absolutely content as he puts all of this papers into his binder, and his binder into his backpack. Wordlessly, he stands up and kisses me. Then he walks out the door.

I wonder what's with him…?

I slowly walk downstairs, not necessarily looking for Sora, though I know I'd find him here. I can hear him talking and it takes me a moment--several-- to figure out he's on the phone. I crash on the couch, taking up all the space, my legs dangling over the arm rests. I block out the sound of Sora's voice; I don't really want to listen in. God, what's up with me? I don't usually care so much about being polite. Well, I was raised to be polite in an almost old-fashioned way. Obviously I had to dump politeness after I ran away, and around people who picked on me.

It's all coming back to me I guess. I don't know whether this is good or bad.

"That was Dad." Sora says, walking into plain sight, then sitting on the edge of the couch. I get snapped out of my thoughts so quickly that I could get mental whiplash. I didn't realize that he realized that I'm here.

"Oh." I reply. Clearly, I'm supposed to be saying more. "What'd he say?"

Sora grins. "He wanted to check in to see how we are."

"If we're still alive?" I ask with a smirk. He nods and laughs.

"He said he missed us during lunch! And that he'd be coming home earlier at night." I lazily lean over and pull Sora so he's next to me. He's really light and god he's little. He was skinny when I met him but now more than ever he looks so frail. I guess I do, too. After having so little to eat for so long it's no wonder that we probably look like the living dead.

I lift one hand and stroke my boyfriend's hair while my other hand somehow finds its way to his knee. He's clearly uncomfortable with, if not all of this, the silence. "This is…" He starts, but I don't let him finish.

"I know." We're quiet once again. "What, do you want me to stop?"

"No! No, of course not."

Of course not, Sora. After all, you are only Mister Go-As-Fast-As-We-Can. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm putting a serious halt on our relationship, making this all run at a snail's pace.

Doesn't matter. I'll be gone soon.

I just have to keep telling myself that…

Sora shifts around again.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing." He replies. "I have to pee." He gets up and rushes away.

Too much information.

…And weird, anyway. He's wussed out twice now when we're hardly doing anything. And just an hour ago he pounced on me!

I go straight upstairs.

-

Mr. Hart sticks to his word: he is back early tonight. Sora is always completely thrilled to see his dad come home at the end of the day. He's bouncy and annoying and chatty. I don't know why Mr. Hart doesn't make some damn time to be with his kid that he wasn't seen in…how long was it? Five years, ten even? Sora never said.

God, it's none of my business anyway.

I get back downstairs a few minutes before dinner is ready. I'm quiet, but not too much so. Sora hasn't stopped even talking for one little second. Finally his dad calms him down. He says, "If you keeping talking like this you're going to pass out from lack of oxygen."

Sora blushes. "Sorry."

"So, Riku…" Oh, God. "How was your day?"

"Fine."

"Like your teachers?"

"Sure."

"Make any friends?"

I think of Selphie. "…no."

He smiles. "You will." God, I hope not.

"What are you talking about?" Sora jumps in. "You made friends." I smack my forehead, hard. "…Um, are you alright?"

"Fantastic."

-

After we finish eating, Sora goes upstairs. "Do you have anything for me to sign for school?" Mr. Hart asks after we've both been quiet for a moment.

"Yeah. I'll get it later." I think less now about my responses; it's so much easier that way. I don't overanalyze.

"So, you haven't made friends yet?" Mr. Hart repeats, thoughtfully.

I shrug. "I'm not going to school to make friends. I'm going to learn." He frowns.

"It's going to be so much easier if you socialize. You're in a completely new environment… this is all going to be really hard on you."

You can say that again…

I shake my head and shrug again. Maybe I'll go to the beach again tonight. I don't have a curfew…

God. When I said no curfews and he said just said "fine"… I thought there would be some battle. I'm kind of pissed that he's giving me permission to do whatever I want. Now I don't really even want to do it… I hate to say that I'm rebellious. I think it sounds so stupid. But I guess I am. I want him to start forbidding me to do things so I can go out and do them. Show him that I don't care, and maybe then he'll kick me out or something. I just don't want to turn into Mr. Apple Pie.

"I'm going to finish up some work… I'll be in my room if you need me." Mr. Hart flashes his ever-present smile, then leaves. God, go keep your kid company.

I don't know why I care…

He probably won't be out again; I'm going back to the beach.

I sit for a minute. When no one stirs, when no doors open, I leave.

The waves always crash in patterns, the stars shine brightly overhead, and the sand is always every bit as soft as a stuffed animal I can vaguely remember having as a toddler. I'd never seen the ocean before I came here and it's more amazing in real life than it is depicted in paintings or shot in movies.

But for some reason, coming here starts to bring up those ugly little memories that aren't quite in the front of my mind yet.

Odd.

For a while I walk around aimlessly. I hardly pay attention to the sounds my feet make in the sand, until I begin to hear the same noise, only it's out of sync with the way I'm walking. My stomach tightens. I know I can fight off whoever this person may be, but it's dark and I don't know where the sound is coming from. I turn on my heels and run as fast as I can to, and jump over, the gate (nearly catching and ripping my pants as I do so), up the street, to that one familiar house in a sea of mansions.

I'm praying to God that the door is unlocked. I try to get a grip on the doorknob, and finally get the door open. I step in, getting a little sand on the plush carpet. I'll clean it up tomorrow. I silently close the door and rest against it. I slide down until I fall on my ass.

That was close. Possibly.

I'm so jittery, but I think I always have been. And I always prefer to escape than fight. But it could have been nothing, could have been no one, could have been another me: someone just seeking an hour or so of freedom.

Ah, whatever. I'm here now, that's all that matters.

-

In the days that have passed, it's been easier to get up, the ride here is smoother. Sora and I talk a little, but our conversations are so dumb that "So, the weather's nice" would seem fascinating. It's Thursday, already, and I haven't even begun to plan when I'm going to leave. I've been getting so wrapped up in school, and especially, Sora.

Since school's started we have been positively inseparable. Anywhere he goes--even if it's just into the next room-- I go, too. In return, he follows me everywhere. We're on each other constantly, too. Like damn rabbits, I swear.

Sora sighs in boredom and puts his hand on mine and squeezes it.

It's too early…

I'm not in the mood…

"Quit it." I say, sounding more hostile than intended. He quickly whispers and apology and looks away.

God, what's wrong with me? Sometimes I mind and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm perfectly happy and sometimes I get so damn depressed. I wouldn't mind if I were happy all the time, or even if I were upset all of the time. What I can't stand are the constant ups and downs, this strange roller coaster of emotions. I murmur a rushed apology, and that's good enough for Sora. He's easy to please.

Hm. If anyone had told me that Sora and I would end up like this, I would have laughed at them. I would probably feel extremely disturbed and maybe I'd kick them, but there would be some laughing there as well.

The bus stops abruptly, and slowly everyone gets out.

Looking at the curriculum for the year, everything looked like it was going to be easy. When I casually mentioned it at dinner, Mr. Hart "pulled some strings", I guess, and now I'm at least in an 'advanced' English class. That's fine; it's my best subject anyhow. So, my whole schedule's been moved around. I no longer have Math with Selphie, but we (fortunately or unfortunately) have some elective classes together.

The week breezes by quickly and easily. Mr. Hart is constantly rushing around to give us things to do over the weekend. He says it's to get us healthier, to, I guess, "fix us" from how shitty our health has been since we both ran away. I kind of think that he just wants to get rid of us, keep us busy. He's still gone most of the time anyway.

I shouldn't be attacking him. He's shown nothing but kindness. But… I don't know.

I've been getting a bit more bold, I guess you could say. I don't wear my jacket quite so often… I'm still careful about showing my scars; I have no clue what Mr. Hart would think of it, or what he would assume. I hadn't been sure if he noticed at all. So I don't know why I freak out when, after school on Friday, the one day he actually is here, he brings it up.

"Hey," He's saying. "I've seen a lot of scars around your hands and wrists." Here it comes: 'are you psycho?' 'Are you doing this to yourself?' 'Did you get into a fight or something?' "There're a few that are really pink. If you want some medication for it to make them disappear, I'll pick it up for you."

…What? God, he never, never ceases to confuse me.

"…Sure. Thank you."

He smiles and replies good-naturedly, "No problem. Must have hurt like hell, huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"The burns. Well, they look like burn scars." My lips form the word, "Oh," but it never comes out.

"I guess." Is what does come out. Once Mr. Hart is gone, I push up my sleeves a little. I didn't realize how low these scars go. It doesn't seem as though he's seen enough to be concerned. Good. I absently trace over a scar left from when Nathan drunkenly burned me with his cigarette, somehow. I remember it happening, but the memory is fuzzy. There's one close where I burned myself accidentally while cooking. And one where I burned myself purposely while cooking.

I'm a little messed up, I think…

-

Sometime way past dinner, past homework, past everything, I head upstairs to go to bed. It's a bit late; I wonder if Sora's asleep? I've hardly heard a peep from him all day. I wonder if he's mad at me? My mind races, I'm trying to think of everything I've done today that could have upset him.

Okay, that's completely pointless. I guess I could always go upstairs and ask him. I head upstairs slowly, and quietly open the door.

"Sora?"

No reply. "Sora?"

No reply again, for a moment.

"Huh?" The lights were off when I came in, but I guess he was only starting to drift into sleep. I slide into bed and as I do, Sora wraps his arms around me. "What's the matter?"

"…Nothing. Go back to sleep."

All is well, I guess.


	15. Sora: Dances and Dates

__

Note: Sorry for another incredibly late update. To be honest, I haven't been really inspired until about… two days ago. I'm not so into KH anymore, but I've started a new game (of the first one) so that should hopefully change. Either way I still love my fics and will finish them.

Home

Chapter 15

(Sora's POV)

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Why _not_?"

"It's not my kind of thing, I told you that."

I slowly slide back in my chair, knowing fully that it's no use and Riku is not going to budge. I don't get why. This isn't even going to be a big thing. It's just a beginning-of-the-year dance. We go for a few hours, we hang out, we leave. I don't know why he has a problem with it.

"But…"

"You can go without me, you know." Riku says, resting his chin in his palm and giving me something that's not exactly a smirk, but close.

"I know." I reply, pathetically. "I want you to go, too." Riku looks away, suddenly very interested in the Bus Stop sign.

"I know." He repeats. "But I'm not going."

"What else are you going to do on a Friday night?"

"I'll just go to th--" He stops himself suddenly and shakes his head.

"I wish you'd go."

"But I'm not."

"Why?!" And now we're going in circles. Great. He shakes his head. Luckily, Kairi and Selphie rush toward us, interrupting what may turn into a full-blown fight later tonight.

"Hi!" They both chorus.

"Where are you going?" Kairi asks, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Home." I reply. "You going?"

Kairi shakes her head. "I have cheer practice."

Selphie says, "Dance team."

"Cheerleading, huh?" I ask with a grin. Kairi cuts me off before I can make a mean yet utterly charming joke.

"Leave me alone." She says, nudging my ribs. She scowls before shaking her head and laughing. "I should go. See ya!"  
"See ya!" Selphie echoes, before they both run off. Even though that was a short and pretty much pointless conversation, I'm just glad it was less time spent arguing with Riku.

The bus pulls up and slowly, everyone starts piling in. After we're seated, Riku says, "I'll go." I look at him for a moment, just surprised that he actually said that.

All I can manage is, "Cool." I put my hand over his and he doesn't try to pull away, even once, for the rest of the ride home. It's only Tuesday…but… I think this is going to be a good week. The dance is on Friday… I just hope he won't change his mind.

--

Hardly into his first week, most of Riku's classes were boring him out of his mind. I don't get it. He hasn't stepped foot into a school for almost three years, and now he's suddenly back and he _gets it. _I guess it's because that almost everything so far is review, plus the tutoring we both have on Tuesdays through Thursdays, but it still seems unfair. I mean, he's already been bumped into advanced English. Of course, the day he casually mentioned it was too easy once at dinner after Dad asked him about school… well, Dad really rushed to get him into a "better" class. I guess he's worried about our futures. The fact that he's worried makes me worried.

As for me… I'm doing okay so far. I kind of getting everything. I'm catching up at an okay speed. Not like Riku, who's a freaking genius. I feel like such an idiot compared to him. But he's so goddamn _competitive. _He _has_ to be the best at everything. He _has_ to ace his tests. He _has_ to do be the best in anything sport-related. I like to pretend it's all to impress me, even though I know it isn't…

But there's a bright side.

Now that his classes have been switched, he has PE when I have English. Every once in a while his class has to run around the building my class is in, so I get to see him "in action". I try waving to him subtly sometimes, but he almost never waves back. And, of course, he's the fastest guy in the whole class. All that running from police and people in general when we were on the streets must have really prepared him, though. Jeez, when I have PE, if I'm not the fastest in _my _class then running away will have been a rip-off.

Ha, ha.

I slam my head into the kitchen table.

Riku, who's sitting across from me also doing homework, doesn't even look up.

The rest of the week comes and goes, and before I even know it it's Friday and we're getting ready for that dance. "Are you sure you want to go?" I ask Riku, carefully. He glares at me as he pulls on his jacket.

"First you bitch at me all day because I didn't want to go, and now you don't want me to go." Crap! That's not what I meant!

"No! Of course not! It's just--" He shakes his head and slides on his shoes.

"You ready?" He asks. I nod just as I finish tying my shoes. We head downstairs and each yell a goodbye to Dad as we walk out the door.

We're kind of quiet as we walk to the bus stop. I'm so glad I'm not alone. I know Riku really doesn't want to be here right now… I appreciate him so much. "Hey, Riku, I lo--"

"Hey, we should hurry up or we'll miss the bus."

"Oh, right."

The bus is surprisingly empty for a Friday night. Most people are at the back, so we sit way in the front. Riku puts his hands in his pockets, slides down, and stares out the window. I swing my legs back and forth, bored. This is the way it usually goes, every morning and every afternoon. Although this time I'm actually going to school because…shock… I want to. I smile at my own stupid thoughts and Riku gives me a weird look. I didn't know he was even looking at me.

We get to school slower than usual, it seems. The bus stops and waits for a second. Riku hasn't even gotten up; he is so spacey. I tap his shoulder but he doesn't even blink.

"Riku," I say. "Come on."

"Hm?"

"It's our stop."

"Oh."

When I think about how's he's changed, Riku's not only more unpredictable and more emotional (if we could even say "emotion" relating to him) but even the way he talks is completely different. He slips into that "accent". He swears like a sailor. I guess he's getting more and more comfortable, and it's even coming through in the way he talks.

"Are you coming?" He calls, playfully. He's already off the bus. Jeez, now who's lost in thought?

"Yeah."

--

Just taking one step into the gymnasium reminds me how absolutely huge this entire school is. There are a lot of unfamiliar faces here; I don't really see any of my friends or classmates. 

Riku says, "Well?" And I start laughing nervously. I guess I'm a little intimidated. I didn't used to be shy… We end up hanging around the food table. "I'll bet you ten bucks someone's spiked the punch." He notes, taking a sip from his cup. This just earns another nervous laugh from me.

"I never really went to dances at my old school." I say, just for the sake of talking.

"You think I did?" Riku replies with a smirk. "I went to a party once, though. Outside of school."

"Really?" I ask, turning to face him.

"I got drunk off my ass and threw up." For some reason, I just find this _really _unsettling. "I wasn't the only one. But at least I actually made it to the toilet." _Really unsettling._

"Yeah, but--" I'm about to ask if he ever drank again, but I get cut off.

"Sora!" It's not any (by that, I mean either) of my friends; I don't know him very well. He's in my English class… I think his name is Jake or something. I don't think I've ever even said two words to him.

"Hey," I greet him, lamely. "What's up?" Well, then, that makes five words.

He just shrugs and, kind of early for the night, a slow song comes on. "Wanna dance?"

…Wow. He has guts for asking me that right in front of Riku. He must not know we're together. "Um, I--" I look back and forth between Jake and Riku for a moment, but Riku just shrugs.

"Go ahead," He says, just quiet enough so I'm the only one who hears.

"You sure?" I ask in the same way. He nods and shrugs again. I can't believe he doesn't care. I guess he's really changed since our days on the streets, or, rather, in the Home. With Raye.

Well, good. He finally has a bit of faith in me.

I hesitate for one more second before both head more toward the center of the room, where there are other people dancing. Jake's not a whole lot taller than me, so I can comfortably rest my head on his shoulder. He tenses up.

Should I _not_ be doing this? I never do this kind of thing, and I guess I am always a bit touchy. I don't really know what's right and what isn't.

I'm not a great dancer, and neither is he. For the first minute or so we're completely awkward, but for the rest of the song we're just peachy. I'm kind of upset when it ends, and they start playing fast songs again. After Jake and I "chat", I go back over to Riku, suddenly wishing that it were _him _who asked me to dance.

We don't stick around much longer. There's not much else to do; I didn't see Kairi or Selphie. I came, I saw, I danced. Plus, I'm getting pretty thirsty and there is absolutely no way I was going anywhere near the punch. Not after Riku's story. Though he drank a lot of it and still seems pretty sober to me.

Of course, since we left at an odd time, the bus shouldn't be here for a while longer.

"Let's just walk." Riku says, shaking his head. "It'll be faster. By the time the bus comes we'll already be half way there."

"Okay." Is all I say. I feel like we shouldn't have to walk anywhere anymore, though this will be a breeze. It's not like we're walking a zillion miles a day anymore.

Riku's quiet, as usual, so I just think. I've learned by now not to start a conversation. Though that doesn't stop me most of the time…

I don't know if it's this area, or if people are just more comfortable in high school… but this whole place is kind of overrun with gay people.

Okay, that's an exaggeration. But there are much more people open about it than in my old home, and they're not really bullied. At least, from what I've seen.

I don't know. I guess I just, for the first time, have this great sense of belonging.

"Thanks." I say, suddenly. The sound of my voice sounds odd the say it cuts through the silence, even to my own ears.

"Huh?" Riku turns to look at me, totally confused.

"I know you didn't want to come tonight, but you did it anyway. For me. Thanks." He just shrugs and doesn't reply. It's too dark to see his face, but I know he must have that weird bashful/thoughtful expression that I've been seeing a lot lately. It's stupid but…

Well…

I like Riku nice. I really do. But… it just doesn't seem to be _him_. Maybe he's just trying to figure out who he is, just like I am… I close my eyes and sigh.

--

This time Riku breaks the silence. "We're here." He says. It feels like its taken us forever, but I know it probably was faster than waiting for the bus.

When we get in the house, I spend a few minutes talking to Dad before heading upstairs to join Riku. He's already in bed. I guess it _is_ kind of late.

After I brush my teeth and change into my pajamas and crawl into bed, I do something that I haven't done in… a while, actually: I lean over and kiss Riku. I run my fingers through his hair once then clumsily climb on top of him and rest my head right at his shoulder. He puts his arms around my waist. I'm abut to tell him I love him, but I chicken out and don't say anything.

I don't know why.

I don't try to analyze it or anything… I just go to sleep.

--

On Saturday the phone rings at 8AM, waking both Riku and me. It rings one. Twice. Three times.

"Dad," I mutter to myself. "Pick up the phone because I'm not going to." To be honest, I don't even know if he's home. I'm not exactly sure what his work schedule is. He's at work all day on weekdays but he has a lunch break, which doesn't matter anyway because I'm at school. I don't think he works on weekends, but maybe he's just taking the time off.

At any rate, the phone stops ringing.

"Whoever it is can call back." Riku murmurs, burying his face in my back. I nod. Stupid, because I know he won't see me.

We sleep for another thirty minutes or so.

When I wake up, I turn over and slide down so Riku and I are both at eye-level. He's awake too. He pulls me close and before I know it we're kissing. I don't know what it is about us, but we really can't seem to keep our hands off each other in the mornings.

Not that I'm complaining.

When Dad yells for us to come down, we both groan. I don't want to get out of bed, or out of my boyfriend's arms.

We both dress and head downstairs.

"I just got the results of all the lab work from the doctor." He says. "Riku… you're actually looking pretty good." I'm honestly not surprised. He took really good care of himself, and I was there to take care of him when he almost started to let go. "Sora… you have a bit of an infection." _Shit._ He bites his lip. "So, we're going to get it checked out on Monday. They said it doesn't look serious, but it needs to be treated." He must have noticed the look on my face, because he says, "Don't worry about it." I solemnly nod. This sucks. "And… that's all." I turn around and begin to go upstairs when Dad adds, "Cheer up, Sora. You'll be getting out of school early Monday to see _Dr. Hottie_."

I turn bright red and run back up to my room. I thought he forgot about that! Riku follows behind me and when he comes in I can see him grinning.

"Shut up." I say, burying my face in a pillow. When I sit up again, Riku looks really bothered. "What's wrong?"

Predictably, he says, "Nothing."

"Riku…"

"Nothing!" He insists. He knows by now that I'm not going to let up. "I was the one taking care of you when we were on the streets. I was the one who bandaged your wounds after you got beaten up. I guess…" And he stops there.

"What?"

"I guess I did a crappy job if you've got an infection now. I was supposed to prevent that stuff."

I shake my head. "You're not a doctor. It wasn't your job to do that. Besides, this infection might be recent." He just shrugs as if he doesn't care.

Weirdo.

A bit after lunch, the phone rings again. We pretty much repeat the same pattern as this morning, that is: we ignore it, Dad picks up, Dad calls us down about a half hour later.

Well, that's not totally correct. He calls _me _down. Riku tags along.

Uh oh. Dad does _not _look happy. I'm really worried. Is it about my infection? Is it worse than they thought?

"Hold on." He says to whoever it is on the other line. "Hold on! Hol-- one minute!"

"Who?" I whisper.

"It's your mom." Dad whispers back. He fumbles with the phone for a moment before pressing the "hold" button.

…

Shit.

"Do I have to talk to her?"

"Yeah." He replies, simply. "You have to talk to her."

"Please don't make me, Dad!" How sad am I? I'm actually _pleading._

"This won't kill you."

Yes. Yes, it will…  
I shoot him a very, very unhappy look before finally answering the phone.

"Mom?" I ask. After hearing absolutely nothing on the other end, I roll my eyes, realizing I didn't take the phone off "hold". "Mom?" I ask again, once I do.

"Sora!" She sounds about as happy as I probably just did. I mentally groan. If she didn't want to talk to me than why did she call?

"Mom." I say again, weakly. "Hi." I can't believe I'm actually relieved to hear her voice. I guess I kind of miss her. I mean… she _is _my mom. I lived with her for fourteen years… "How are you?"

"You have some nerve asking me that, Sora!" After all this time, those are the first words she says to me. "How do you think I'm doing?"

"I-I'm sorry…"

"That's all? After everything you've been putting me through?" Dad and Riku are respectful enough to leave as I try to get a word in as Mom rants and raves at me.

"Mom, listen!" After I finally get her attention I'm not sure what to say. "I'm sorry. I just… there was so much going on," I want to call her out on drinking too much, but I don't. Instead I say, "Things were getting really hard. We had _no _money. I just thought that… if I left…" If I left, you could drink your life away to your heart's content, and not have to worry about paying for the lives of two people. If I left, I could finally be away from you and your stupid boyfriends.

"I don't feel sorry for you." She says. Of course she doesn't. She doesn't feel sorry for anyone but herself. God, she's _ill._.. I really see that now.

"I'm not asking you to."

A lull in the conversation.

"Are you finally away from that ugly nuisance?"

__

Riku?

Now she's really pissing me off. "Riku is staying with me at Dad's. We're dating and we're really happy." And he's gorgeous. Everyone knows that.

"…You're _what?_"

I completely tune her out for the next few minutes. This is ridiculous; I can't even get a word in. "Mom," I say, raising my voice over her's, "I have to go now. I'll talk too you soon. I love you." And hang up.

I slowly walk over to the couch and fall over. The cushions don't even bounce, and I don't sink in. Riku gently puts his hand on my shoulder.

Getting an infection… Mom calling… Today is officially the worst day ever.

I realize something and look up. "Hey, Dad?"

"Hm?"

"Mom never mentioned taking me back home with her… do you know why?" Dad doesn't reply for a moment, then hesitates when giving his answer.

"I think you're better off here, and I told her that, but… she wouldn't really have any of it. Basically, I told her that she could hand you over, or I could sue her for custody." He pauses. "We both know that she wouldn't be able to afford a lawsuit. Plus, this way…" He pauses again, clearly uncomfortable. "I didn't necessarily mean to threaten her, but… she's not really in her right mind, though she still needs to be in your life. This way we can work out when she visits and calls and sees you, without a chance of her getting cut out altogether." After I don't reply, he asks, "Are you alright?"

"That's legal?" I ask after a moment. He nods.

"But at the end of the day… this is all your choice, you know that? You don't have to see your mom if you don't want to. Though… it would be better for you, I think, to have her in your life."

"What about Sandy?" I ask. He looks completely confused.

"Huh?"

"If I need someone like a mom in my life, can't I just have your girlfriend? You know, someone _better_ than Mom?" A small smile creeps onto Dad's face and he shakes his head. "That's not the way it works, kiddo." I let out a long breath. "I'm sure she'd be flattered you feel that way, but…"

I nod. "Yeah, I get it. Thanks… I'm going upstairs." I turn around when Dad calls me over one more time. "I forgot, you got a letter yesterday." I inspect it after he hands it to me. It's from Donald. Judging from the way this day is going, I just know he's sending me bad news. I close my eyes, sigh, and finally go upstairs.

--

I've been laying on my bed for about a half an hour now. I haven't read the letter; I'm too nervous. I know it's going to be bad news…

The mattress shifts a little, but I don't look up, even when Riku speaks up: "I don't like seeing you mope like this." It's simple, but it makes me feel a bit better. He's reaching out. Kind of. "What can I do to…?"

Okay, that just surprises the hell out of me. I look up at him and blurt an answer: "How about a date?" He doesn't answer, but in all fairness, I don't give him the chance. "I know you don't like these types of things, and you went to the dance with me yesterday... But if we could go out tonight… it would be like we're really _official_."

"We haven't even gone on a date yet." Riku muses. "Okay, sure." With my mood having been improved over 100 percent, I open the letter from Donald. There's a full page written, but most of it is crossed out. The only remains say:

_Sora,_

It's Goofy! (And Donald!) We're just writing to tell you that everything is going fine over here. School just started. How are you and Riku?  
Write back.

Short and to the point, I guess. I can't help but grin. Thank God, HappySora's back, for now.

--

I don't know when I fell asleep-- I guess the stress and going from really depressed to absolutely fine made me really sleepy. I start to head downstairs when I hear Riku and Dad talking. I sit down and listen in. I know I shouldn't but I hear my name.

"So, you know what's going on with Sora and his mom, right?" Riku doesn't answer so I'm assuming he just nodded. "While I'm getting custody of him… I'm wondering if I should do the same with you." A startled silence before Riku responds.

"…what?"

"I want to adopt you. I'm assuming that since you ran away your situation at home couldn't have been very good."

"I guess so, but…"

"Riku, I think this would work out for the best. You can't just be running around all the time, and if your home was that awful… there's no way you could go back."

Riku quickly defends himself. "No one has to know that I'm here."

"Riku…"

"Besides, my aunt has custody of me and I don't think that she'd…" He sighs and changes his defense completely. "If you adopted me then Sora and I would be brothers, wouldn't we…?"

Dad says, " Um, I guess that's true." There's a small pause. He says, reassuringly, "We'll figure something out."

"Yeah." Riku says, but he still sounds uneasy. It's quiet for a long time.

"I was thinking of getting you and Sora into physical therapy, too. I think with that and tutoring and…"

"And…?" Riku asks.

"And probably regular therapy--"

"No."

Dad sounds completely surprised. "_What?_" Come on Dad, shouldn't you be expecting this? It's just like your curfew talk with him.

"I'm not going into therapy. Period."

Dad hesitates. "Alright, fine. That's fine. But the offer's always there."

Riku says something else to Dad, and then, "Sora, you shouldn't eavesdrop."

I run back into my room and, when Riku comes in, I act as if had been there the whole time. He smirks. "I know you'll ask later so I'll explain it now: My aunt got custody of me after she got me from the foster homes and such. I ran away to live with my parents. It was never legalized."

After a while he starts busying himself by rearranging things in the room. He puts things from his bag into a drawer on the little table beside his side of the bed. The sight of his knife doesn't bother me as much, but it still makes me uneasy seeing him put it into that drawer. Riku notices.

"Sora…" He starts.

"It's fine." I say, shaking my head. With a small, nervous laugh I add, "But it kind of feels like one day you could just go nuts and kill someone." I quietly add, "Or yourself."

He's totally unfazed. "Relax. I only had it for protection and even then it was mostly for show."

"Even that time at the hospital…?" I ask, hesitantly. "You said that you…"

"I _lied_, smart one. Don't you get how this works by now?" He smiles and sits down next to me on the bed. "And whenever I bleed, I know you assume I've done it to myself. I bleed a lot. I also throw up a lot too, actually… I just do. I don't know why. _We've been through this_." I change the subject.

"So, what _are _you going to get me for my birthday?" He rolls his eyes and I laugh. "I know what you can get me."

"Hm?"

"You can make me a Riku glossary."

"_What_?"

"So every once in a while I'll _kind of_ be able to understand you." He's laughing now.

"Great. Get one for me too."

"I'm sorry," I say, laughing as well. "But I just don't get you."

He's still grinning. "I have my own language, I understand."

"Why is that?" I ask, only a bit more than half-serious.

"I don't know." He replies. "I think it's my teen angst." I keep laughing until I snort. After that, he pulls me close and kisses me. He pulls apart and says, quietly, "It's nice to see you smiling again."

--

In about an hour, Riku and I are going to go out on our first actual date. I'm nervous. I don't know why. I mean… it's just Riku.

No, I take that back. That's enough reason to be nervous.

We dress semi-nice and head to a semi-nice restaurant. Together. I guess it's not really normal to do it this way, but Riku and I are nothing if not strange, I guess. It's not too crowded for a Saturday night, so we're seated pretty quickly. We sit at a small booth; I take the closest side and he sits opposite me.

I nervously fiddle with my wallet for a moment because I can't think of anything to say. Plus, I'm totally paranoid and always think I've lost something. But my allowance advances are there and all is right with the world.

(Yes, we have actually been doing chores.)

Riku's the first to speak up. "So…" He puts his hand on a napkin and tries to unfold it with his finger. I'm not sure if he even realizes he's doing it.

I take my gaze from my lap and up to his face. "We're kind of official now, huh?" I slide my hand across the table and place it atop of his. It kind of goes limp as he stops playing with the napkin.

"Huh?"

I shake my head. My face is so warm I must be blushing. What a dumb thing to say.

"I mean… no, what I wanted to say was…"

To my complete surprise, he _smiles_. A real smile, not a smirk.

"I get it. And I agree." Wow, he's _agreeing _with me now, too. This is weird. "So… the talk with your mom today didn't go too well from what I heard." Not exactly romantic, but it gets a conversation started.

"Yeah... Anytime we have to talk it doesn't go too well."

He shrugs.

"Sorry."

"Hey, it's not _your_ fault." I say, shrugging also. He smiles at that. But now I just can't get all the names that she's called him out of my head. _Criminal. Stupid. Ugly _freakin' _nuisance. _She needs an attitude adjustment.

"Okay, I shouldn't be depressing you on our first date. _That's _my fault."

"Yeah, it is." I agree. "Deep conversation later."

"And now…let me guess…" He sighs and pretends to think. "Making out?"

"No." I reply in a no-duh voice. "We save that for after dessert." He shifts uncomfortably, coughs, and takes sudden interest in the table. After thinking about it for a moment, I do too. When I said that I did _not _consider what happened when we celebrated Riku's birthday earlier this month. It slipped my mind completely.

But that _was_ awesome… we should definitely do it again. Maybe tonight. Ooh, if that cake thing happened for _his _birthday, and it wasn't evenhis _real_ birthday… what do I get for mine?

God, I'm turning into a pervert.

Luckily at that moment a waitress comes. She quickly takes our order and leaves as suddenly as she came.

"You seem happy today." I say. After he doesn't reply I nervously swirl the straw in my drink. For about a second it creates a really small whirlpool and the ice seems to clink really loudly against the glass.

"Yeah." He replies finally.

"Why is that?"

He shrugs and looks back up at me. "I slept through the whole night last night." He says, very matter-of-factly.

"That's good." He nods.

It always freaks me out when I wake up because _he's _tossing and turning so much, or occasionally, talking in his sleep. And whatever it is he's talking about doesn't seem good.

"It used to be that when I'd dream, I'd dream about things that had happened already, you know…" in Darry. Or on the street. I know. "it's not like I could control it. I mean, if I could, I would."

"Oh, yeah." I agree, nodding.

"I've been dreaming normally lately. So I'm sleeping better."

"And lots of sleep makes a happy Riku?"

"Exactly. Plus, sometimes when you have really vivid dreams, you can't really get it off your mind. The lack of sleep sucked, but the constantly having to think about it was worse." I'm not so sure I understand, or believe that's the whole story, but I nod anyway.

And, at the same time, I say, "Hey, Riku, I lo--" while Riku says,

"Hey, our food's here." Before he begins to eat he asks, "What were you saying?" I shake my head.

"It was nothing." He nods and begins to eat. Wow, being agreeable, smiling, eating… he's not usually really talkative but he is tonight. I feel like I should be asking, 'who are you and what have you done to _my _Riku?' but… no. I think that I really love this side of him, too.

"Whatever you say, squirt."

"…What did you call me?" I can't believe he said that.

He smirks and says, "If you get to call _me_ stupid pet names…" Yeah, that's more like him.

--

Riku insisted on splitting the bill, but I don't see why. I mean, I could have paid for it. I tell him that even after it's paid and we're leaving. He just shakes his head whenever I bring it up. We've been standing outside the door to the house for a long time now. Well, it seems that way.

"So, call me sometime." I say with a grin.

"If I can find the time." He replies without even missing a beat. I reach for the door so I can let us both in when Riku suddenly grabs me and pulls me close. I shift enough to hug him back. We lean against a wall, in an odd enough position that he can rest his head on my shoulder. He kisses my neck and I sigh loudly. Not of boredom, even though I'm not exactly swooning either. "It's getting cold." I say, not realizing how tightly I've been clutching onto him until I let go. "Let's go inside." He nods.

We head straight for the couch. We fall with him on top of me, him running his fingers through my hair and over my face and rubbing my shoulders. My fingers are laced around the belt loops on his pants. It would be very cliché to say the way we're kissing could be described as hungry, but I think it could be. It's just that we haven't kissed like this in a long time…

"Let's do this every weekend." I murmur. He agrees.

We stop when we hear the stairs creak. Oh, crap that was close. Dad's coming downstairs and we just missed being waked in on _again_.

"Hey, you're home." Dad says, walking into the kitchen. "How did everything go?"

"Good." Riku and I both reply.

"Great. Call next time when you're getting ready to come back home so I'm not up all night waiting." None of us say anything more.

"Should we continue or…?" Riku asks.

"_Here?!_"  
My boyfriend responds with an "are you kidding?" look.

"Upstairs." He replies.

I blush. How stupid.

--

It feels like this has happened one thousand times before: we go upstairs, get ready for bed, then don't do anything. But before I even have another thought, we're kissing again.

"So… what are we going to do tomorrow?" I ask, quietly, after we break apart.

"We?" He replies playfully, turning over. I rest my ahead against his bed and close my eyes.

"Yeah. We."

__

We don't actually end up doing anything on Sunday together. Instead, Kairi calls me some time in the afternoon and I meet her at some ice cream place.

"What's on your mind?" I ask, after conversations like 'how was your weekend?' and 'How are you?' die.

"What makes you think something's on my mind?" She asks without missing a beat.

"Because your ice cream's melting and you look uncomfortable." I reply just as quickly.

"That is very true." She sighs. "Okay, something's kind of on my mind. It's about my boyfriend."

"The mysterious one?"  
She nods. "Wait, I want to guess: He's been acting cold."

"No," Kairi mutters, shaking her head. "It's not that."

"He's gay."

"No!!" She coughs then says, "No. It's just… well…" She looks thoughtful again before asking, "How long have you been with Riku?"

"Why?"

"You both look so close…I hardly ever see you without him."

"Um, I dunno. Just about two months, I guess." It's so weird saying that; it feels like I've been with him for as long as I've known him, if not my whole life. "But we are close. He lives with me and my dad. We even share a room."

"How come?" After a don't reply she asks, "Personal?" I nod.

"I've only known him for five months," It's even weirder saying that. "But we've been through a lot. I can't explain."

"Have you slept with him?" Kairi asks after a moment's hesitation.

"What??"

"I'll take that as a no. Sorry for asking." She shrugs. "It's not like I'm some pervert who needs to know about your private life."

"Thanks for the reassurance." She rolls her eyes.

"Okay, I'm getting to the point now: My boyfriend and I have been together for just over three months now and I'm wondering when we're supposed to do it. Maybe we're too young. I mean, we've been having an off-and-on relationship for almost a year, but this is the first time it feels serious, so…"

"So why'd you ask me?" I'm 100 percent confused.

"Because you and Riku are so close, I was wondering if maybe you would have advice for me. I don't feel like I'm as close to him as you are with Riku. I mean… I don't know. Maybe I don't really love him."

"Then break up with him."

"Maybe I will." She sighs, taking a sip of her soda. "Well, this is a downer." I nod and lean back in my chair. "So, how are you and Riku doing?"

"I thought you didn't need to know every detail of my personal life."

"I'm entitled to being a little perverted." She replies, sticking her tongue out at me.

--

"I'm home!" I shout when I get back, about forty-five minutes later.

"I'm right here!" Dad shouts just as loudly.

"Sorry. I didn't see you." I veg out on the couch, right next to Dad. "What happened to Riku?"

He shrugs, as if to say, 'who knows?' What he actually says is: "He worries me when he just goes out like that…"

"He worries me too, but for different reasons." I reply with a grin.

"Meanie." Dad snorts, rolling his eyes. I smile and laugh. Maybe Riku and I can go on another date next weekend. Maybe even tonight! Even if it is Sunday…

Suddenly, the door opens and --not exactly slams, but shuts really hard. Riku goes straight upstairs, not looking at us and not saying a word. He doesn't look pissed (he hasn't in a while) but he sure looks thoughtful.

Okay, maybe not tonight. Maybe next week.

--

__

I know having Kairi as a cheerleader is cliché. But cheerleaders are never portrayed very well, or they're crazy. Kind of like how Kairi's usually portrayed... I kind of want to portray a nice cheerleader, and a nice Kairi. I'm killing two birds with one stone. This is also for my friend Kim, too. She's a competition cheerleader and hates that people judge her for that. And I threw in dance team for my friend Ella, even though she doesn't read these. XD Sorry if Kairi's conversation with Sora sounded off. For some reason I'm only used to writing her in Insane Asylum, and I find writing conversations with her in it awkward…


	16. Riku: Sora's birthday

**Note: **fairly short chapter; only ten pages. But I made sure to get a head-start on the next chapter before uploading, so it hopefully won't be a month before my next update… (Partly because I'm not at all satisfied with the end of this chapter... it makes the whole thing seem filler.)

**Note 2:** IT'S NOT, I SWEAR!!!**  
**

Home  
Chapter 16  
Riku's POV

I can't believe how quickly time has gone by and how normal everything has become. I'm used to waking up and going to school, to tutoring sessions, to physical therapy, and even on dates with Sora. Speaking of which… his birthday _is _in a week or so… I know him well but I'm not so sure I know him well enough to have any idea as to what I'd get him. And he's been bugging me about it non-stop. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Sighing, I slump over and go limp as the bus bounces. We should be at school in ten more minutes.

"Hey, Riku," Sora says.

"If it's about your birthday than I will make sure you won't live to see it."

"It's not about my birthday."

"Then what is it?"

He's quiet. "Okay, I lied. It _was_ about my birthday." I lunge over playfully, grabbing him and shaking him.

He chokes out between laughs: "Stop! I'm going to get whiplash!" But I keep going until the bus driver threatens to kick us off. We're still laughing, even when we get to school.

-

Sometime after English I run into Selphie.

"Hey, Riku," she says, pulling me aside from the large mob of people heading toward their next classes. "Sora's birthday is coming up."

"So I've heard."

She grins. "You and me… we're pretty close, right?"

"…We are?" I ask, completely taken aback.

"Uh… aren't we?" She looks almost bashful now, shifting her weight from one foot to another.

"Um, sure. I guess we are."

She looks relieved. "Okay, good. Otherwise this would have been awkward."

"Yeah, it would have been…" She doesn't say anything more. "Well?" I ask, finally.

"I thought of something that you could do for Sora's birthday that he would love."

I consider this for a moment. "… okay, I'll bite." Grinning, she stands up on her toes and whispers something in my ear as though if she didn't, her words would echo through the halls.

"Well…" she asks. "What do you think?"

"I think you're sick and I'm not going to do it." I shake my head and, before she can even say another word, begin to walk to my next class.

I've gotten so used to ignoring the people around me that I'm almost always snapped out of my thoughts just before I narrowly miss hitting someone. Today I'm not that fortunate, and the guy I just knocked over looks a bit pissed. We make eye contact for one oddly chilling moment before we both go on our way.

Okay, he might be a bit of a problem later on.

I'm distracted all through math, thinking about Sora's stupid birthday.

"Are you okay?" The guy who sits next to me asks after a while.

"Fine."

"You look like you're going to _die_."

"No, that's how he always looks." The girls who sits on my other side says.

Wonderful.

At lunch, Selphie tries convincing me to go along with her plan for Sora's birthday. The way she keeps saying how _happy _it would make him finally causes me to give up.

I'll do it. I don't want to… but… for Sora, anything.

-

By the time Sora's birthday rolls around I've found something for him that I think is perfect for him; it's a ring a bit similar to the necklace I gave him that he loves so much. It's a wide, gold band with little crowns on it. I hope it won't be too big for his finger… either way I really think he'll like it. It's just goofy and sentimental enough for him. I'm actually anxious to give it to him.

But I'm not exactly chipper when Selphie knocks on the door at 5:30AM so we can prepare. I can't believe I agreed to go along with this…

She's brought three rolls of fat, bright ribbon.

Okay, it's too late to turn back now. Or, rather, too early. God, 5:30AM…

"Okay," She whispers. She thinks for a moment. "Sit down." I do. "No, I meant on a chair." I do. "Actually… stand up." I do. "Great, perfect."

"Let's just get this over with." I mutter. I must have sounded more hostile than I intended to because she, in return, mutters something about me not being a morning person.

"Okay, I have to figure out how I'm going to do this."

"You couldn't have done that, you know, earlier in the week?"

"Shush."

She ends up having to learn as she goes along. So, it takes her an hour or so, but when she's done I'm covered in ribbon of all colors, looking and feeling like a total fruit.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

"I'll go get Sora!" She squeaks. "Where is he?"

"Upstairs, second door." I reply flatly. She rushes up and I can see her open the second door. She then leaves my view completely.

I can hear Sora say, "_Selphie?!_'' but nothing after that. Slowly, Selphie leads Sora downstairs. I have to say, he looks none too happy about being kidnapped by some random classmate who suddenly barged into his room at six in the morning. He looks exactly how I feel. He rubs his eyes and looks at me. "…Riku?" He rubs his eyes again and, slowly, begins to laugh. "What the…?"

"Happy birthday." I murmur to him.

"Oh, my… _God._" Okay, he's been laughing for way too long now.

"I should go." Selphie says, wisely. "Happy birthday, Sora." Before she leaves, she adds, "Have fun you two!" She give me the thumbs up. I flip her off.

I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Her.

…But…

I guess it is worth it now, if only because of how happy Sora really _does _ look and from the way he's hugging me with his face in my chest, the laughter only beginning to die down right now.

"I can't believe you did this for me." He mutters. "Come on, let's go upstairs. I'm still so tired…"

"Whatever." He grabs onto a bit of the ribbon over one of my arms and leads me upstairs as if I couldn't do it on my own. When we get to our room he flops onto the bed, taking me with him. He doesn't even bother getting back under the covers. I try to shift around but it's really hard the way that little brat wrapped me up. Even with my feet dangling off the bed, I can still take solace in the fact that Sora's been made really happy by all of this. He's holding onto me as if I were a giant stuffed animal. He _likes_ it.

And that was the point, wasn't it?

-

Sora wakes up again two hours later.

"Did you sleep well?" He asks me.

"I didn't sleep." I reply, trying to at least sit up. I could have told Selphie to use a little less ribbon. I should have.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Not your fault." I shift to my other side and Sora wraps his arms around me.

"I…" He starts, then doesn't say anything else.

"You…?"

"Nevermind." He shakes his head before pressing it against my back. "It was nothing." I close my eyes. I could fall asleep right now.

…If Sora weren't trying to crawl over me. Damn, that feels really _weird_.

"What are you _doing?_" I ask.

"Trying to get on the other side. Hold on." Ugh. "Okay. Sorry about that."

"You should be." I think, once again, I end up sounding much meaner than I intended to.

"Sorry." He murmurs.

"No, I am. Forget it." I try that and offer a smile. It seems to perk him up.

"I'm hungry." Sora says with a yawn. "How about you? We should have lunch. Then cake. Then… presents."

"That would sound great if it weren't 8AM. " I reply.

Getting up to leave, he replies, "Fine. We can have breakfast, then ice cream, then gifts." With that, he's gone. Okay, I'm hoping the euphoria-affect his birthday is giving him wears off in about an hour.

Damn.

-

I finally figure out how to get back up, but it takes way more effort than it should have. I slide over and plant my feet on the ground. I shift so I'm laying on my back, then pull myself up. I slowly start to walk downstairs. Mr. Hart, _please _don't be downstairs. It's Saturday. Sleep in. Just _don't _see me like this.

I'm in luck for once. It looks like it's just me and Sora. Yeah, I'm definitely going to kill Selphie on Monday… once I finish kicking myself for doing this. I'm not even completely downstairs when Sora asks, "Do you like waffles? I'll make extra if you want me to..."

"I'm fine. I'll make myself an omelet later." If I can regain the use of my upper body.

"Umm… are you going to need some help?" The smallest hints of laughter start escaping through his lips again and he's trying not to smile. _Very_ subtle…

"Probably." I say, almost feeling proud of myself for not biting his head off for no reason. Not much of an accomplishment… eh, I take what I can get. After he finishes pouring the batter into the waffle iron, he grabs a pair of scissors from the counter and walks up next to me.

"Okay… um, let's see how to get at least some of this off." He tries cutting a bit of the ribbon on my arm, but it doesn't do any good; I'm still just as restricted as I was before. God, how many layers did she wrap me up with? "How much ribbon did she _use_?" Sora murmurs, still cutting and still getting nowhere.

"Quit reading my mind." I whisper. He freaks me out sometimes.

"Ooh! I think I got it!" I almost jump when Sora suddenly exclaims this, clipping a skinny little piece just where my arm was being tethered to my side. Freedom, finally! Sure, I'm still covered over my chest, stomach, and legs, but at least my arms are free. She was "considerate" enough to make the other arm much looser, and to tie my legs separately, so I think I'll at least be able to move until Sora's done laughing at me and cuts off the rest of these stupid decorations. This probably will not occur until I force him to when his birthday' officially over: at midnight. Or something like that. I don't know how cruel Sora can be. Honestly, I don't wish to find out. But I have a feeling I will.

And… hold on. Do I smell something burning? "Crap! The WAFFLES!" He shrieks.

Only you, Sora. Only you…

-

Well, it's now 9AM and I'm on my second omelet. Sora's waffles ended up being salvageable and he finished a long time ago. He's resting his head against my leg as I'm sprawled out on the couch. I don't know how I went from being so timid to so comfortable here in such a short amount of time.

It's beginning to get colder out, this time of the year… I'm glad I have a long sleeved shirt on.

"You know…" Sora mutters tiredly. "You used to eat so little I thought it was really freaky. But I think you eat more than I do now."

"Hm." Is my only reply. I set the plate down on the coffee table and pull Sora up next to me as I lay down. A few minutes later, Mr. Hart comes down.

"I overslept." He says, very matter-of-factly. He continues to walk until he reaches the kitchen. "Has everybody eaten?"

"Yup." I reply, noticing that Sora didn't respond at all. I bounce my leg once and he just slumps over. When did _he _fall asleep? "Wake up, dork." I mutter, bouncing my leg again. He still doesn't stir. He could sleep through nuclear war. It isn't until I gently push him off me and stand up that I hear him speak, muffled through a pillow.

"Whereyougoin?"

I sit down again. I'm really unsure as to why or how, but that just… strikes me. It strikes me the same way it did when he first called me "baby". I shiver, but not because of the cold.

It must be from my lack of sleep. That's the only answer I can make any sense out of.

I'm still shivering as Sora clutches on to me, reacting again and again from something in his dreams.

-

Sora woke up a little while ago and he's still drowsy. But even besides that, there's something a bit… odd about the way he's acting. I wonder if he's coming down with something?

"I was just thinking." He answers after I ask him about it. "I'm fifteen this year. I mean… I'm going to be eighteen kind of soon and--"

"I think you're leaving out about three years there, Sora." I can't help but to interrupt.

He shakes his head. "I know."

"I know you know." I bite back, suddenly irritable. I wish I had gotten more sleep last night… stupid Selphie.

Sora doesn't take the bait, however, replying with, "I know you know I know you know I know. You know? Anyway…"

"Anyway…?"

"I was just wondering… I mean…" Okay, Sora's absolutely shameless. What the hell is he stuttering about? What can _he _be too embarrassed to say? And… how awful is this going to be for me? "Eventually we're you know, going to grow up and have to move out." I shiver again. I recognize this feeling now; when I leave it's going to be because I want to. Not because I "have grown up and _have_ to". Well, at least I'm less in a hurry about wanting to leave…

"…And?" I ask.

"…And… when that happens, do you think we'll still be together? Like, living together?" I nervously play with the end of one of my sleeves. Whether I like being here or not, the idea of committing to Sora scares me shitless.

"I don't know." I reply. "Maybe." The look of disappointment flickers across his face, leaving as abruptly as it comes. He takes my hand.

"I hope so." He puts his head on my shoulder, his hand still on mine.

Do _I…_?

-

Noon is long gone… I'm just thankful that Mr. Hart has enough class _not _to even mention that I'm wrapped up like a big, stupid, present, though several times I could _see_ him debate on whether or not he should speak up about it.

And that I've started to get used to it, though that may be more bad than good. Really, what does that say about me?

Sora's a bit annoyed because his dad's holding off on the cake and presents until after dinner.

"At least I got one present early. Really early." He finally reasons, looking over at me. I think, 'gag me', but turn to smile at him anyway. After, I look out at the balcony again. I never thought I'd live in a house this lavish, with a room so huge and luxurious. I glance over at Sora again, laying on the bed with one foot hanging over the side. I get out of my chair and go lay next to him.

"Happy birthday." I murmur.

"You too." He replies automatically. "…You know what I mean."

I kiss him.  
Why is it that if we don't have this kind of contact every day or so, it feels like we haven't touched in years? Again, he starts to speak. I cut him off this time by pressing our lips together again.

"I know what you mean." I reply, just for the sake of talking. I sigh-- not out of sadness or being bored, but just because I'm so content and could lay here forever. And, you know, because I need to breathe to stay alive. I pull Sora so close he's almost on top of me and kiss up and down his neck. He puts his hands over mine and I can feel him squeeze harder as I catch some, apparently, more sensitive areas, then let go when I move on to some other place.

"What was that for?" He nearly whispers.

"I don't know." I say with what was intended to be a shrug but doesn't really work because of the way we're sitting. I take a hold of his shoulder and turn him so he's facing me. For a moment I just press my forehead against his. This time, he's the one who sighs.

"I…" He starts, once again.

"You…?" I murmur playfully, pulling him close again.

"I, uh, hope that we can have dinner soon. I want cake." _This_ is what he's been trying to tell me all day?

I decide to just ignore it and mumble, "Sure, sure." He looks really disappointed for a moment before kissing me. Surprised, I begin kissing back. We end up way further over on the bed than when we started, him on his back, with me sprawled out on top of him. He makes little noises and clutches my shirt, I run my fingers through his hair and over his face. Some of the ribbon on my arms rip just like that. I allow myself to slip into this other world where the only thing that exists is Sora and I together.

But I'm still a little distracted. That little voice in my head is asking, _what is he hiding from me?_

-

I don't know why I'm nervous by the time dinnertime comes around. I just want everything to go perfectly for Sora. I just want to be assured that I at least know him well enough to pick out a gift he actually likes. I guess.

We wind up eating at home, rather than at a restaurant. Sora wanted to do something small. So Mr. Hart just prepared, apparently, Sora's favorite meal. It worries me that I can't tell what it's supposed to be, even after I take my first bites. Sora has a really weird taste in, well, food. No pun intended. I force my way through the meal and cake afterward, even though I'm not particularly hungry. I just don't want Sora to get upset and be on my case about it for the rest of the night. Even if I throw up from overeating… that will be more pleasurable than listening to Sora whining all night.

The second after Sora puts his fork down (having finished his cake in about two and a half bites), he asks, "Presents now?"

Mr. Hart just smiles, probably trying to suppress laughter. "Yeah. Presents now. Come on in to the living room."  
Sora grabs me by the arm and pulls me into the next room. The boxes are all so perfectly wrapped and placed on the table in such a deliberate order that for a moment I just… step back and take it all in. This all feels oddly _right_, like I'm living in some TV special and the credits are just about to roll. Sora lets go of me and sits down, tucking his legs under the table. Mr. Hart stands next to him, and I sit on the couch.

"What first?" He asks. He looks like such a child, the way he's wide-eyed and so damn giddy. But why shouldn't he be? He's been through hell, and he's finally getting what he's always wanted. He has somewhat of a family in me and, of course, his Dad-- plus an entire day revolving around _him_ getting what _he_ wants.

Mr. Hart kneels and slides a flat, square, blue box across the table.

"How about this one?"

Sora's oddly neat when he tears the wrapping paper off. He slides his finger under the folds covered Scotch tape and sets it aside when he's done. The paper's almost in better condition than when it was covering the box.

"Oh, my God." He breathes. I lean over a bit to see what Sora's gotten to make him react that way. It's a laptop. Yeah, I think that's pretty "oh, my God"-worthy. "Dad, this is way too much, I mean…"

But he just shrugs. "It's nothing. Hey, you have more stuff to open." Sora looks at his dad for one more moment before beginning to open the rest of his gifts. Most are accessories for his computer.

He then gets to mine. I think that he'll really go for it, but we'll see. He looks up at me and smiles before beginning to open it. He opens the box, and…

Well… He certainly looks happy enough. Good.

Good.

He throws his arms around me, beginning to babble, "Wow! Riku, I love it! It's just like my necklace, where did you _find it_?" Etcetera.

"Like it?" I ask. He grins.

"Yeah. Of course I do." He rests his head on my shoulder. "I love it."

"I'm glad." I murmur, hugging him in return. "Put it on." He nods and pulls the ring from the little box, gently sliding it on his finger. It's a little big. Well, fuck.

"Damn." He says. "My fingers are too skinny."

After a moment, Mr. Hart speaks up.

He says, "Hey, when you're ready, we'll see if we can figure out how to get your computer working." Sora instantly perks up, now alert.

"Great! Let's do that."

I leave them to their work and start upstairs. For a moment I wonder if I should go to the beach for a while, but decide against it. I wouldn't want to go anyway wound up in ribbon, come to think of it.

-

After Sora comes upstairs, both to show me his computer and to ask where I went, I remember part two of my gift for him.

He sets the laptop on the little table near his side of the bed, and looks up God-knows-what, while I search through the drawer in the table next to my side of the bed.

Got it.

"Sora," I ask, and he perks up and looks at me.

"Huh?"

"Remember when you said you wanted a glossary for me because you don't understand me?"

He looks a bit confused now, obviously wondering where I'm going with this. "Yeah…" I hand a folded piece of paper to him and hope that he'll get it. There's probably a good chance that I don't have any real sense of humor. He unfolds it and reads it aloud.

" 'I'm fine I'm angry.

I'm not angry I'm angry.

Nothing's wrong I'm angry

I'm hungry I'm angry…' "

He goes through the whole thing. He doesn't laugh but he does look as though he's just received a message from another planet. Well, I didn't say it would exactly be a winner. Finally, he grins and starts laughing, throwing one arm around me.

"You're a _weirdo_." He says, wiping his eyes. "A freaking _weirdo._" His expression and voice both soften. "Thanks for doing all of this for me. You didn't have to."

"I know." I say, pulling him close and kissing him. He shifts around and begins kissing back.

"I bet," He starts as we break apart. "that once I gain back all the weight I lost," He kisses my neck once. "That ring will fit."

"Or," I kiss his forehead. "You could just take it back. Maybe see if they carry it in a smaller size." Our lips meet again, I open my mouth, his tongue slips in. I grab onto his jacket and end up pulling it off. We roll over and I lay on top of him. He backs off.

"No!" For a moment I have no idea what he's declining to. "I'm keeping the one _you _gave me." I shrug.

"Whatever you want."

He smiles. "Hey… do you want to get the ribbon off now?" Jeez, I almost forgot about it.

"Hell yes." I reply, quickly. I begin to untie everything on my legs, stomach, and chest, and Sora helps me reach everything that I can't, like my arms. As we get them off, one by one, we toss them onto the floor. The white carpet is soon covered in bright strands of green, yellow, blue, pink, orange.

Now I'm wondering if it was all just a ploy so it wouldn't be hard to yank my jeans off, because, once we start kissing again, that's exactly what happens. After, Sora lays flat on me, one hand on my hip, the other up stroking my hair.

"Happy birthday." He murmurs to himself, closing his eyes.

-

It's only been a week or so since Sora's birthday. We eventually found a solution to Sora's too-large-ring problem by sliding it on a small chain. The only time he takes off the crown necklace is to wear that ring one. I guess I should find it really sweet and endearing, but… I'm not. Not anymore. I think I'm going through a faze where everything just seems too good to be true. Not like how I was once afraid to get attached; that went away on it's own. But now… I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling. I suppose I'm just being… irritable?

I try to take my mind off it as Sora and I watch the TV. Homework's done and there's not much to do until Mr. Hart comes back for dinner. He told us this morning that he has something to share with us when he gets here. I don't stress myself and wonder what it is.

The two of us finally settled on the news for the lack of anything better to watch. Sora would normally be on his laptop, but he said his neck started hurting from staring at the screen for too long. Typical.

As the anchorman fails at sounding sympathetic while droning about some missing teenager report, I ask, "You ever wonder if the police just let us leave?"

"When? What do you mean?" Sora responds with more questions.

"Every time, maybe." I elaborate more. "The police don't usually care about missing teens after they figure they're runaways. And after we were arrested, their attempt at keeping us locked up was pretty half-assed."

"…I guess so…" He replies with a shrug. "But why bother us at all, then?"

"I'd been seen with gang members, maybe they would have asked me about that."

"Maybe." Sora says thoughtfully. "Probably." With a smile, he scoots up next to me and links his arm with mine.

"Not now." I say, shaking him off. He looks slightly troubled so I quickly apologize and put my arm around him.

-

I can't say I'm personally too excited for the news Sora's father gives us once he returns from work.

"I finally wrote to and called up relatives," He explains. "and they really want to see you again, Sora, and they're really want to meet Riku as well." He looks at me, despite stating it like I'm not here. "When's the next break from school coming up?" The school has four main, long breaks: A four day weekend in the end of beginning of November, two weeks off in winter, a week off in spring, three months (give or take a few weeks) off for Summer vacation.

Sora thinks for a moment. "I think we have time off in a few weeks."

"One and a half." I reply.

Mr. Hart smiles. "Can't wait to get out?" I know it's a joke, but I shrug and don't reply. He shakes his head and keeps talking. "I'm thinking we'll stay with my sister and her boyfriend for a while during break."

"I have an aunt?" Sora asks.

"You have, like, three." Sora does _not _look happy. Mr. Hart notices as well. "Are you okay, Sora?"

"Yeah." Sora replies, but we don't believe him for one moment.

-

"What the hell does my mom think she's doing by keeping all of this from me?!" Sora snarls after we go back to our room for bed.

"…What?" Okay, I'm confused.

"For the whole time I lived with her she kept all my relatives away, you know that? I have this entire family that I don't know about. I didn't know I had aunts and uncles and maybe even cousins… When _everybody _else had grandparents coming down for holidays, or were going to visit cousins over vacation… I was stuck at home with my mom and this month's boyfriend. I thought they were all I had." He shakes his head and angrily finishes putting on his pajamas before collapsing on the bed. Before I even have the chance to speak, he says, "Sorry, I'm done now… good night." And switches off the light.

And he thinks _I'm _confusing? I shake my head and lay on the bed. I don't go under the covers; I just stare at the ceiling and think.

Ten days until I have to meet Sora's aunt and uncle. This may lead to me meeting the rest of his family. God. There is no turning back now. Sora and I are _together_, together. But that's alright. I like it. But I still sigh.

Only ten days.

It feels like a deadline.


	17. Sora: Family and Some Bad News

**_Note: _**I think this is the best chapter in a while. I'm really enjoying writing this again. I haven't been since the, like… first chapter. :\ I think writing as Riku drains me. Hehe. I'm still thinking of combining some of his chapters… anyway, hopefully the chapters will keep coming faster at a higher quality. I think Sora's a bit whiny in the chapter at some points. Hmm. I feel like I've written the last scene before; that's how many times I've gone over it in my head. I think it was even scrapped from a scene in Runaway, in my original plan where they "got together" half way through the story.  
Oh yeah, this is 18 pages!!! And it's only been two weeks! I'm _en fuego_, baby!**  
Note 2: **I keep switching between the names "Tracy" and "Taylor" for Sora's aunt. (Taylor's the correct one). If I've slipped up anywhere, please say so.  
**Note 3: **Insane Asylum readers, the fact that Sora's afraid of storms in both IA and Home are totally unrelated. I didn't even realize I had done that.

Home  
Chapter 17  
Sora's POV

I'm sitting on the cold bench waiting for the doctor to call me in. The waiting room is air conditioned way more than necessary. I mean, it's almost winter. They need a heater. Yeah, this isn't worth missing the end of school for. It's been fifteen minutes and I haven't been called to go back yet. The flu's hitting the schools really hard right now; half of the people waiting here have it and if I get out of here (ever) without catching the flu I will be very lucky. Stupid infection.

Finally, a woman opens the door and calls my name. "Sora, Doctor Hardy will see you now." But I _swear _she says "Doctor Hottie". Maybe I'm paranoid. I look at Dad, but he just smiles. I stand up and walk through the hall until we reach the right room, where she passes me off to Dr. Hardy. (Not literally.)

"How've you been?" He asks, sitting down on his rolling chair, chart in hand. I feel like I'm in a therapy session more than anything else.

"Good. You?'

He smiles at that. "Fine."

"What's so funny?" I ask, a little suspicious now. Man, I am paranoid today?

"Oh, nothing, it's just that people don't usually ask me back." He changes the subject, and even his tone of voice changes. "Now… your infection isn't too serious," Thank God. He begins scribbling furiously on a small piece of paper and hands it to me when he's finished. "Just pick these up at the drug store sometime today. All the information is on that card. Good day."

Well, that was easy and relatively painless. And I didn't humiliate myself this time. "That was fast." Dad comments as we leave. I start to nod when I totally forget that there's a step on the way out. My foot catches and I fall on my face.

Yeah, I definitely can't come back here again…

When we get home and Riku asks what's wrong, I don't reply.

--

Before I even know it, school's out for break and we're off to visit my aunt and uncle. The anger at my mom for not telling me about my relatives has died down to the point that I'm not sure why I was so upset in the first place. I sit and watch as Riku and Dad load the trunk with our bags. We're only going to be staying a couple of days, but they live up in the mountains, where it's absolutely freezing this time of the year. I hop in the front seat, Riku takes the back.

"I forgot to tell you," Dad starts, hesitating a little. This is not good. "Your aunt Taylor… well, um… her boyfriend Andrew is a little homophobic."

"…Fantastic." I reply without thinking. This is going to be a disaster. We're quiet as Dad pulls out of the driveway.

"I don't know him that well, but I really don't think he'll start any trouble about it. Just…"

"Tone it down a little?" Riku replies. I turn back to see if he's smirking and he is. He leans forward and says, quietly, "No more getting fresh on the couch for a while then, right, Sora?" I turn red.

This is going to be a complete disaster.

"…So, just keep that in mind. Okay, boys?" Dad finishes. I think I missed both of what he said, but I give him the A-OK sign anyway.

Just shoot me.

--

We've been driving for an hour and I'm bored out of my mind. I never took that saying literally until now- I'm laughing for no reason. Smiling, I turn back to look at Riku. He's fast asleep.

He looks like an angel.

He always does.

I reach back so I can put a hand on his shoulder. I let it linger for a moment before turning back around and, soon, fall asleep myself.

I wake up after we reach a really bumpy strip of road. I shield my eyes with an arm and clutch onto the door handle, waiting for it to pass.

The car slows and comes to a stop.

"Are we there?" I murmur. When no one responds I open my eyes and look around. The doors are open but I don't see Dad anywhere. I unbuckle and open the door, slowly sliding out of the car. I wobble a bit, not used to standing. My feet are both asleep. The door right behind mine is open. …That's where Riku's sitting. "What's up?" I ask Dad. He's standing and talking to Riku, who's still sitting in the back seat. "Is everything okay?" I ask, louder than my last two questions.

"Everything's fine, buddy." Dad replies. "Come on, let's get going." He begins walking back to driver's side, but I stay a little longer.

"What happened?" I ask Riku. When I look at him I have to shield my eyes from the sun.

"Nothing." He replies, shifting his gaze from me to the seat in front of him. "I just…"

"What?" I press him for the answer when he stalls for a second.

"I just got a little sick. I'm fine." I find myself grinning though I know he's going to kill me for it.

"You get carsick?" I tease. "You?" He glares at me, and I can even feel his killer gaze at my back as I hop back in the car and we're off again.

"I really wish we could open a window for you," Dad sighs as Riku starts to look not-so-well again. "But it's too damned cold for that." Riku shakes his head.

"I'm going to be okay." He replies. But I can still see his head against the window, eyes closed, breathing slowly.

Glad I'm not him.

--

The next time I wake up from the car stopping, we're actually here. My feet are asleep again and I really don't want to get up. Five more minutes…

I can hear the doors opening and shutting and some other sounds that I can't really place. I'd actually have to open my eyes to see where this noise is coming from, but I'm too tired for that. I shift around until I get comfortable again. Just as a begin to drift back to sleep and it's totally silent, I hear a loud slam. And, at the same time:

"HEY, GET UP!!"

"Holy shit," I shriek, hopping out of the car. When I look up, Riku's grinning and beginning to laugh. "Riku!"

"That's what you get for making fun of me!" He replies, flicking my forehead.

"You're completely evil." I mutter. He sticks his tongue out, and I chase him until we reach my Dad, who's already up and ringing the doorbell.

"Stop goofing off." Dad snaps, and at that Riku and I both sink a little, as if we've done something we know we're not supposed to. Dad seems really tense, and I just hope that he's not stressed over visiting his sister or anything. If they don't get along, or something… well, pair that with a homophobic uncle and this weekend will positively suck.

But it's okay, I'm probably just overreacting. We're all a little tired from the long ride here. That's all. I glance over at Riku, hoping that he'll at least offer me a smile to calm my nerves. Just my luck-- he's not even looking at me, and when he finally does, he just shoots me a small glare. Well, I guess it's my fault for staring. I know he hates that, anyway.

We start to hear footsteps and talking as the door finally swings open.

"Mike!" Chirps a small, young brunette: my aunt, Taylor. Next to her is a tall blonde man whose name I think Dad said is Andrew. Jeez, my aunt's name is Taylor, my Dad's is Mike, and my mom's is Karen. How'd I end up with such an oddballish foreign name? "It's been forever, you idiot!" Grinning, he throws her arms around Dad and kisses him on the cheek.

"You're looking good." Dad replies, sheepishly. "You've been well?"

"Not as well as you, it looks like." She says with a small smile, motioning to me. "Glad to have your son back?"

"No, it's terrible," Dad sighs without missing a beat. I hate hearing those words, even though he's obviously joking. He smiles and his eyes even soften. "Seriously, I'm thrilled." Taylor turns to me.

"Hey, Sora." She says. "It's been a long time. You've grown! But… not a lot." Ha. Ha. "Remember me at all?"

"No." I reply, honestly. She laughs. Despite the "short" joke, I find myself really liking her already.

"That's alright." She turns to Riku. "And since you bare absolutely zero resemblance to Mike, I thought it would be safe to assume you're Riku."

"Correct." My boyfriend replies. Crap, I forgot the two of us will have to "tone it down" for Andrew. Well, so far I don't think we've done anything that's a dead give away.

"Come on in," Taylor says, then rolls her eyes. "I should have invited you all in sooner."

And beside her, Andrew's been extremely quiet this whole time. I'm trying not to be prejudiced against him because he's prejudiced against me. I'm sure he's very nice despite being a bigoted ass.

Okay, maybe this will be harder than I thought.

He's even quiet as Taylor shows us around the house. There are two guest rooms, so Dad'll have his own room, Riku and I will share. Not unusual.

"If you two don't want to share a bed I definitely understand." She states quickly after showing us the (really nice) rooms. "The couch in the living room folds out into a bed if one of you would rather take that."

Riku speaks up, and I'm a little nervous that he'll volunteer to take the couch. Instead he says, "We're fine." I glance over at Andrew, expecting him to look suspicious, but he doesn't.

What am I so afraid of?

--

I didn't even realize how late it is. We wash up and get ready for dinner about fifteen minutes after the "tour". I sit between Dad and Riku at the table. I don't know why, but it's comforting. While I eat, I just listen to my Dad's and Aunt's stories. Memories, what they've been up to lately. That's about the time Andrew speaks up.

Yeah, he seems nice enough.

--

Taylor and Andrew both wake up early for work, but she goes to bed super early in the evening. Dad and Andrew are still up; hanging out, I guess. (Weird mental image.) Riku and I are in bed, even though we both know we won't fall asleep for awhile. It's just nice to rest; the drive really wore us both out.

"You seem really on edge today." Riku says, suddenly, breaking the silence. We lay next to each other, not touching, my hands behind my head.

"I guess I am." I sigh.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Fine." We fall silent.

I think I can hear… rain? But it was so sunny this afternoon! Freezing, but still sunny.

"Is it raining?" Riku asks, sounding as surprised as I am.

"Yeah, I guess so." Hm, pointless comment. Oh well, I just hope there won't be a storm or anything.

Yes, I realize that I've just jinxed myself.

Crud.

Soon enough, it starts raining pretty hard. I shiver and unconsciously move closer to Riku. He doesn't notice; he may even be asleep. Oh well, I sigh. If he is asleep then there's no point in waking him up, he would never get back to sleep again…

Thunder crashes once, and light fills the room for a brief second.

Screw this. I'm waking up Riku.

"Riku?" I whisper, gently shaking him.

"I'm awake, you know." He replies.

I flush and stutter a response. "O-oh. Um, yeah. Well…" How do I explain to him that I'm afraid of storms without sounding like an idiot? Thunder crashes again and I immediately cling onto him. He pulls me close and is oddly comforting. This whole scene feels just a little familiar.

…That's right! The one night, at the old motel. It was raining and we needed a place to stay for the night, and to hide from the police. It was storming then, too, and I made Riku sleep with me because I was freaking out.

So much for trying to tell him I'm afraid without acting like an idiot. Well, what's done is done. I know it's not the first OR last time I'll make a fool of myself… the doctor's office is enough proof of that.

I jump when thunder crashes once again, and try to keep calm.

"You okay?" Riku asks.

"Yeah." More thunder; this time the windows shake. "No, I'm scared." I admit, finally.

"But why?" He murmurs. "Nothing's going to happen. You're safe."

"I know." I reply harshly. I can't control the shivering anymore. "I've always been afraid of thunder storms. I don't know why. Ever since I was a little kid they just… freaked me out." He puts an arm around me and pulls me close. I lay my face on his chest and breathe in his scent. I guess it's one of those stupid "couple" things, but I even love the way he smells, more so now than when I first met him; now we have the opportunity to shower once in a while…

Riku reaches down to pet my hair. All previous fears forgotten, I fall right to sleep.

--

Riku and I wake up early in the morning after Taylor calls us in for breakfast. I look around but I can't find a clock anywhere.

"What time is it?" I ask her, words slurred. I'll be surprised if she understood that.

"Six AM." She replies, way too cheerily.

…"I'm going back to sleep." I reply, shaking my head and turning over. I pull the soft covers over my head and get ready to fall back asleep.

Falling asleep in three…two… one…

"Come on, boys, get up." Dad's voice seems to come from no where, and it snaps me right out of the almost-dreaming state I was just in. "Get dressed, come to breakfast. It's going to be really good."

"I would get dressed if there weren't two people lurking in the doorway." I hear Riku mumble beside me. I actually say that to them, in a tone that I hope was really saying, "Go the heck away." They just laugh until they finally leave.

"I guess we should get up." I say after a moment of silence.

"I guess so." Riku replies with a chuckle. Why is everybody laughing at me today?

--

Okay, breakfast _was _really good. But it's been really hard remembering that Riku and I can't be an obvious couple in front of Andrew. Every time I reach to put my hand on my boyfriend's shoulder, or push his hair back behind his ear.. I have to stop myself and pretend I was doing something else. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Riku's holding out fine, but he was never very touchy-feely in the first place.

But whenever I feel like I'm about to go nuts I just clutch the necklace he gave me and remind myself that everything will be back to normal in two more days. And I guess it really isn't the end of the world. I sometimes wonder if I'm too clingy, or if this is like a nice break from me, in Riku's eyes… But that would be awful and I just don't want to think that way. I mean… he loves me.

Right?

"Sora," I'm more than happy to hear Andrew call my name. Anything to make me stop thinking. "Everyone's going to play cards. You want to?"

"Sure," I reply, a little too eagerly. I say it again, calmer this time. "Sure." We walk over to the dining room table in silence. "So… what are we going to play?" I ask, partly because I should probably know before I volunteer (too late for that), partly because the silence is killing me.

"Just Poker." He says.

"I don't think I've played before."

"I'll teach you." He's seeming more human now, and I can't help but think that that's his way of reaching out.

I sit between Riku and Andrew. Through the whole game Andrew gives me little tips and pointers, and around the middle of the game I really start to get it and I do pretty well. My one problem: I'll start to smile or scowl and then remember I can't do that. I just can't hide it, though; maybe for the same reason I suck at lying. But I don't think anyone noticed.

I end up losing, but not too terribly. I bet I'll do better next time.

After everyone's gone their separate ways; Andrew to work, Taylor and Dad out picking up something at a store, Riku says to me:

"You know, you have an awful poker face." Damn.

"Yeah, yeah," I murmur, pulling him closer to me. "Whatever." I get up on my toes preparing to kiss him but he pulls back and my lips totally miss. "Why…?" Is all I ask. I really don't need to say more than that before he gives me a short, simple explanation.

"What happens if we do this now and Taylor or Andrew come home? I don't think we could give an excuse about why "just friends" were kissing."

"You're right." I mutter.

"Plus," He adds, quietly this time, "If we started doing this stuff now, it would be impossible to hide it later. I can't do that, Sora. One of us would surely slip up." I'm touched for some odd reason, although what he said wasn't particularly sweet. It's the way his voice is so soft, his hand resting so gently on my shoulder… I almost ignore what he said entirely and lean back over to kiss him.

I don't.

"It's just two days, right?" I ask, purely for reassurance. "We're not animals."

"Yeah." Riku agrees, nodding his head very slightly. "Just two days. It's nothing." He believes it. I don't.

--

I'm surprised how smoothly today has gone. I haven't, to put it in Riku's words, "slipped up" and acted all romantic to him in front of everybody. We even sleep further apart that night. There's not even the tiniest hint of rainfall. The storm last night must have been a fluke.

I ponder it as I drift to sleep.

The next day doesn't start out so well. I probably had a dream or something last night, because I wake up early in the morning wanting Riku. I mean, _really_ wanting him. And I just can't take my mind off that fact. It's 5:56AM, so I have four minutes to be alone and think before the Breakfast Brigade comes in to kidnap us into the kitchen. I smile at the stupid thought of Dad and Aunt Taylor being like superheroes, fighting all who oppose a nice, hearty breakfast mind-numbingly early in the morning.

When Riku shifts over and groans a little in his sleep, my mind is instantly back to him. How truly innocent he looks when he sleeps, the way his hair spreads out all over the pillow, the way he's totally silent minus a few groans or murmurs so slurred I can't catch a word and can only guess what's going on in his dreams. But mostly, how I wish I could just wake him up and do him. No such luck.(I've learned to embrace my pervertedness.) I don't really think that would happen even if we were at home, anyway. The very few times we talked about sex he's used words like, well, "never". Of course, my Dad was there during those few talks, and that's just embarrassing. I get back under the covers and do something I haven't in a long time: I ignore that fact that he's asleep and can't consent to it, and just give him a small peck on the cheek.

That's when Taylor comes in. Jeez, hasn't she ever heard of knocking? I'm just glad that most of my face is covered by the bedspread, so I can easily pretend that I've been asleep.

"Rise and shine!" She says. "There's eggs and bacon, pancakes, and hash browns calling out your name! The sun's shining… from somewhere behind the clouds! The hills are alive with the sound of music! Frank is living in my foot!" Hmm, she must be a drinker.

"What?" I ask almost involuntarily.

"Now I have your attention. Get up." She slams the door as she leaves. Beside me, Riku begins to stir. Okay, I should get out into the kitchen before I jump him. I change and leave before Riku's even out of bed. Now sitting at the table and calmly reading the newspaper, Taylor is clearly not the madwoman she was roughly five minutes ago.

"The plates and silverware are on the counter, help yourself to anything." She says with a smile. Just like yesterday. After I greet Dad and Andrew, I get a nice helping of everything except the eggs. I don't want to get sick again. As I sit down, she grins. "I hope I don't have to wake you up like that again." I hear a door open and shut, Riku appears in the kitchen a moment later.

"Me, too." I reply.

"What were you up to, Tay?" Dad asks with an almost knowing smile.

"Nothing." She replies, playfully. He gives her a light push, just as playfully. I glance over at Andrew, whose looking over and smiling at the scene his girlfriend and her brother are making, then at them, then at Riku. All I can think is, I really do like the family I'm in, now that Mom's mostly out of the picture.

"Hey," I blurt out, talking to anyone and no one. "Do I have any cousins? Or any family my age, or younger even?"

"Uh, not from me." Taylor replies. Crap. That's not what I meant. I probably sounded like one of those kids who asks their parents why they can't have a little brother.

Dad rescues me. "My other sisters have children. They're a bit younger than you, I think… but I really don't know."

"I'm glad to see you're not keeping in touch with them any better than you are with me." Taylor says to Dad without missing a beat. "I'd be so jealous." She starts to laugh, but Dad looks a little embarrassed before joining in.

"I know," He admits. "I'm terrible."

Taylor's voice softens. "You've had a lot going on. I can't blame you for not being in contact all the time. You had your priorities straight. You had people to take care of." They're both quiet after that. I accidentally ruin it after I set my plate down harder than intended and it clangs against the table.

Smooth, Sora. Real smooth. Riku must know what I'm thinking right now because he gives a little snicker. I glare at him, but it doesn't faze him at all. I shake my head and don't begin to eat until everyone's talking again.

--

Apparently there are some nice places to shop around here. I don't have much money and, at any rate, shopping doesn't interest me much, but we're going around four and out to eat afterward. So, I think it might be kind of fun. Hey, what doesn't kill you…

I'm killing time by playing Solitaire on the floor, Riku's on the couch, thinking, I guess. I keep forgetting that Andrew's in the next room so I can _not_ kiss Riku. Damn it. It's all because of that stupid dream I think I had. Come on, Sora. It's just five minutes until we leave. We can shop a little, and by time we're eating you'll forget all about your stupid urges.

In theory.

Well, my plan failed. Once we got to the mall we split up, leaving Riku and me all alone. "So, what do we do?" Riku asks because I'm sure not saying anything.

"I want ice cream," I say absently as we pass a frozen yoghurt stand.

"No sweets before dinner." Riku says with a smirk, echoing the "wisdom", Dad shared with us before we went our separate ways.

"Maybe next time…" I mutter. Riku cracks up.

…WHAT THE HELL? I've never seen him laugh like this, I don't even know the last time I've seen him laugh. What did I do?! "Are you alright, Riku?" I knew it, he's lost it. Something just snapped. If we were able to make out he wouldn't have gone crazy! Still laughing, he pulls up a chair from a table in front of the small McDonald's not even two feet away, and sits down. "Riku?"

"I'm sorry." He says, finally calming down. "I'm sorry."

"What was that all about?"

"You looked so sad." He tries to explain it, but I don't really understand.

"Haha, I'm miserable…?"

"That's not what I mean. I'm sorry. It's just… no, you would have had to see your face." Riku imitates me, I guess, and I start to laugh. I did look pathetic. After I'm done laughing, I lean across the table to kiss him. He pulls away and gets up.

"Come on, let's find something to do." He sounds unmistakably serious now.

Damn it, I screwed up.

"Okay, good idea." I say, carefully. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't care." He doesn't sound mad, just serious. Definitely reassuring. The video game store is close, so we head in there and play the sample games they have until we've lost a sufficient amount of brain cells. And until I get sick of Riku kicking my ass in fighting games. Next is the book store, which Riku says he wants to see "for a few minutes". I wait outside and look at the directory. Everything else is either a toy store, a clothing or jewelry store, or a candy store. We have twenty minutes to kill. I really don't want to just hang around, but there's nothing interesting either. So, I wander around in the book store and see if I can find Riku. I look through all the little aisles and find Riku sitting and reading something; I can't see the cover. I sit next to him, but I don't think he notices me.

He looks so good, they way he's sitting, how he's really concentrating on his book, the way his hair is all in his face… I can't help but reach over and push a strand of hair behind his ear. He jumps and looks over, obviously reading to kick my ass if necessary.

"Sora," He says instead. "How long have you been here?"

"Only a few minutes." I reply.

"Hmm." He goes back to reading, and I keep stroking his hair and face. He puts the book down and I half-expect him to tell me to cut it out. But no, he pulls me on his lap and kisses me. He wraps his arms around me and I rest my hands on his shoulders. I part my lips enough for him to slide his tongue in.

"I thought we weren't going to do this." I murmur once we pull apart.

"I changed my mind." He replies simply.

After our make-out session, we realize it's five past five: the time we were supposed to meet everybody for dinner.

"Shit," Riku murmurs, grabbing his two or three books and heading to the check-out stand. I wait outside and when he's done, we rush back.

"Are we going the right way?" I ask, noticing that nothing looks familiar.

"I hope so."

Crap.

"We're lost, aren't we?" Riku stops walking abruptly and I almost crash right into him.

"Yeah." It's ten after five. "So… what do we do now, then?"

"If we find the directory…"

"There was one right outside the bookstore." I offer.

"We're kind of far away from that now." He sounds a bit annoyed, though I'm sure it's at the fact we're lost in the _mall _of all places, not at me.

"Then we should just go back."

Riku hesitates. "We should go ahead, there'll be another one."

Now I hesitate. "Okay."

It's fifteen after five.

It's been another fifteen minutes and, needless to say, Riku was wrong. We're both… just a little tense.

"Let's turn around." I plead. "You're been wrong for thirty minutes straight. I can't do much worse."

"Fine."

Long story short, we find them after another ten minutes. For once, I was right.

Too bad that doesn't stop us from being almost an hour late.

"Where were you?" Dad asks. "Guys… 'meet us at five' means five PM, not five AM. I was worried something had happened!"

"Sorry, Dad…" I murmur. Riku repeats something similar. "We uh, got lost." Dad starts laughing. First Riku, now Dad… am I the only sane person in the world?

"Let's go." He says, shaking his head. He laughs a little more.

--

Once we're seated and our drinks have been brought to us, Dad tells Taylor about his girlfriend.

"She's really nice," He says. "When you come down to visit us, you should meet her. She's a bit younger than me, but--"

Taylor looks up drink her drink. "Oh, Mike," She says. "She's not a really tall blonde with a fake tan and big implants, is she?"

Dad laughs. "No."

"She's a really tall _redhead_ with a fake tan and big implants." I say.

"Sora…"

"I'm kidding!" I turn to Taylor and say, "She isn't a redhead."

"Sora!"

"Okay, I was kidding that time. She _is _a redhead."

"And she's flat-chested." Riku adds. I turn to look at him, and so does Dad. I can't believe he said that. "What? I'm allowed to notice these things."

"I can't believe we're talking about this." Andrew says to Taylor.

Taylor laughs as Dad continues. "She's not that much younger than me. She's in her mid-thirties."

"You're in your fifties!" Taylor exclaims, still laughing, causing some people from nearby tables to stare.

"I'm hardly fifty…"

"Almost. So, how long have you been dating? And what's her name?"

Dad shrugs. "Sandy, and about a year and a half. Somewhere around there."

Now Taylor looks bothered. "That long without even telling me? Mike, you're awful!"

He shrugs. "I'm sorry. I _am_."

"Well, I just need to train you better." She replies, sticking her tongue out. "Make sure he doesn't do _that _anymore, alright?" She aims the question at me and Riku.

"Alright."

I'm glad dinner went generally well. But for some reason, I was a bit jittery the whole time. I think it was from meeting up with everyone so late, getting lost, or from sitting so freaking close to Riku the whole time without being able to touch him. But I'm fine now… we've been in bed for a while now.

"Hey…" After a few moments I speak up. "Everyone's sleeping. Do you think it's safe to…?"

Riku smirks. "You really wanna risk it?"

I shrug, suddenly bashful. "Sure." He turns over and we kiss. I wrap my arms around him and he slowly rolls on top of me. The kiss deepens, I open my mouth…

The door flies open.

It's Andrew.

Shit. Oh, my God. How do we cover this up? What the hell kind of excuse are we going to make? 'I was dying and Riku was here to give me the kiss of life' sounds a little bit fishy. Riku wouldn't be too happy with 'I was just laying here and Riku attacked me!'

In a complete delayed reaction, I finally push Riku off of me.

Oh, it's not just Andrew. Taylor's here, too.

"Oh, wow." Taylor says, stunned. "Oh, oh… wow. I should have knocked. I'm sorry." Andrew is bright red, I think I am too.

"What's going on?" Great, now Dad's here.

"Uh, Riku and Sora…." Andrew tries to explain, but he just stutters to much to make any real sense. Wow, we really shocked him.

Taylor, Dad, and Andrew talk amongst themselves; I can't hear what they're saying.

I quickly shoot Riku a look and mouth, "I am so, so, so sorry." He offers me a sympathetic look in return.

"Oh no." I hear Dad say. He looks over at us, then back at Aunt Taylor. "Oh no." He repeats, but he's smiling a little. Aunt Taylor is, too.

"So, anything you've been meaning to tell us…?" Taylor asks, turning her attention back toward us.

I blush. "Riku's not just my friend. We're dating. And he's, uh, my boyfriend."

"Duh." Is Riku's ever-so-helpful response. He smiles and playfully nudges my shoulder.

"Since… what, tonight?" Taylor asks, walking over and sitting at the foot of the bed. Dad sends me a little wave and leaves.

"For a while." I admit.

She smiles again. "How long's 'a while'?"

"A few months…"

"Three." Riku fills in. "Almost three months now."

"Yeah…" I agree, clinging to his arm.

She curls up, her chin resting on her knees. "Mike never gave me the whole story, then. Now… how'd this all happen?" I explain again how Riku and I met and found Dad. "That would make a good book…" She murmurs and yawns. "You two are amazing, you know. Now, get some sleep." She looks over at Andrew. Even when she looks back at us, she never truly takes her attention from him as she says, "We can talk about this more in the morning." She and Andrew file out, but before she leaves, she makes one final comment: "And, guys, if you don't mind… those are brand new sheets. I'd appreciate not having to clean them tomorrow morning, if you catch my drift."

She shuts the door.

Will the traumatic experiences never end?

"You know," Riku says, sounding slightly embarrassed. "We always say we're going to lock the door and we never do…" I laugh a little.

"I guess so…" I wait a moment before adding, "Do we try again or do we just go to bed?"

He gives me a look that says: 'You are stupid.'

"…Let's go to bed."

"Good idea." He replies instead, turning over and pulling the covers up to his neck.

"Well… good night." I offer. He doesn't reply, but I know he doesn't fall asleep that quickly. I turn out the light and go to sleep myself.

--

The next morning, Riku and I both wake on our own. No one barges in to wake us up, no unwanted intrusions.

Something's up.

"You think they left to go to the store…?" I ask, to no one in particular.

"Maybe." Riku responds with a small shrug. "What, you worried?"

"No," I want to explain, but I don't know how to without sounding like a lunatic. Because of all the stuff that happened last night… I'm just worried that they didn't want to come in and see us. It's stupid. I know it is. But I always have this nagging fear in the back of my head telling me that one day everyone will think I'm disgusting, and I really _don't _want to go through that again.

Riku hums a response, just to confirm he heard me. I know he doesn't believe I'm not worried, but he's never one to pry. I guess we kind of treat each other backward: I want him to ask me what's wrong, he wants me to leave him alone. But I think in an odd way, it really means we're perfect for each other. And, I guess, if people really did decide we're wrong, I shouldn't care. I'm happy with him, and I can't imagine being any other way.

We both get dressed and head into the living room. Andrew's up, Dad's up, Taylor's nowhere to be seen. "Where's Aunt Taylor?" I ask, again to no one.

"I guess she slept in." Dad says.

Well, that explains everything.

When we sit to eat, I can actually put my arm around Riku to give him a quick hug. I think Andrew's still a bit uncomfortable. By the looks of it, Riku is, too.  
Okay, I guess no matter what we still can't act like a couple.

Stupid Riku.

And, even all the way upstairs we hear Taylor: "I overslept?!"

I love my family.

--

Riku's in our room reading, and Dad and Taylor are talking in the other room.

This leaves me and Andrew by ourselves. God help me. When the silence gets too awkward, I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"So, you and Riku are kind of alike because neither of you ever talk." Well, that was a nice piece of stupid information.

"Cool." He replies, just to be nice.

I then say something even stupider: "Are you and Aunt Taylor going to get married?"

He looks positively startled. "I don't know, maybe."

I try asking something that I think will be better. "How long have you been living together?" Now that I've actually said it, it just sounds like I'm pressuring him. I assure him that I'm not, but I don't know if he believes me. He probably thinks I'm crazy.

"A year or so, but we've been dating for three."

"How'd you meet?" The conversation is more natural now, if only by a little.

He rests his chin in his hand, looking thoughtful now. "I was standing in a long line in the grocery store and Taylor was behind me. She just… started talking to me, and by the time I was checked out we had a made date set for that Friday."

I look down at the table for a moment, tracing along a dark line in the wood. "That's awesome." I reply, sincerely. It sounds like something Taylor would do. She seems really outgoing. Actually, I think Selphie will grow up to be a lot like Taylor.

"So, you met Riku after you ran away from your mother." He sounds very businesslike now, slipping back into the persona that I've become used to.

"Yeah."

"How did you know that you love him?" Okay, now _that _surprises me. It's an oddly romantic question. He adds, "You're both really young." I should have seen that one coming.

"It's not _that _serious." I assure him, but from what he saw last night, I can see how he got a different impression. Shrugging, I answer his question. "Riku didn't like me at first, and I don't know when he started to like me… all I know is that I saw him and I just _knew_. He was so different from anyone I had ever met. And it was amazing. And Taylor's like that for you, right?"

"Yeah." He says, mimicking me a little.

"We're not that different after all."

The comment takes him by surprise at first, but after a second he smiles and nods.

But it gets _me _thinking. Andrew knows, Dad knows, even Donald and Goofy knew that I _love _Riku. It's not infatuation, it's not _just _a relationship. It's _love._

Is Riku the only one who doesn't know?

Or can he feel it?

--

I go back into the room to annoy Riku. His suitcase is out.

"Your dad said to pack up." He explains, not looking up from one of the books he bought yesterday.

"I thought we were leaving tomorrow." I expect an explanation, though I know I've just gotten my days messed up. I always do things like that. Either way, I pack up and pretty soon we're loading the car and getting ready to leave.

Before getting into the car, I shake hands with Andrew and hug Taylor.

"Visit again soon," She says to me. "I feel like I hardly talked to you." And I guess she's right.

"You're coming down in the winter, right?" Dad asks.

"Heck yeah," She says, throwing her arms around him. "Don't be strangers, alright?"

Dad hugs back and replies, "Alright."

--

This time, I sit in the back with Riku. I don't know why, but I guess I feel like if I'm here then he won't get sick again. Although, I know he'll get sick either way, and this way it'll probably be, well, on _me._

God help me.

I reach over to put my hand over Riku's, but he pulls away. I try touching his shoulder, but he dodges. He must not have slept well last night, or something. When I smile at him, he quickly looks out the window.

Odd, but not at all surprising. I don't think that much of it.

I know when you're driving home it should feel like it takes less time than when you left. It doesn't. It's still a long, boring, bumpy ride.

I luck out in one area, though; Riku doesn't get sick again. Maybe part of it was anxiety over staying in a new place or something. I know I was nervous.

A few times I try to talk to Riku, but he gives short, one-to-two word answers and gives nothing that could start conversation. I finally give up and talk to Dad instead.

This behavior keeps up for the rest of the day, but by the night he's almost back to normal.

"Glad to be back home?" I ask once we get into bed. It's pretty early, but I'm exhausted.

"Sure." He replies. "How about you?"

"Yeah. I am. But I kind of wish I got to know everyone better. Though… I _am_ happy that I remembered to take the medication every day. I think I'm on my last two pills." He doesn't reply. "For my infection. Remember?"

"Hmm…" He turns over and closes his eyes. I lean over and give Riku a kiss on the cheek, but he tenses and wipes his face on his arm afterward. Still not thinking much of it, I turn out the light and fall asleep almost instantly.

--

In the morning, I turn around to grab onto Riku only to find that's already up. I'm too tired to get out of bed, so I decide to go back to sleep. This is, of course, when Riku emerges from the bathroom, wet hair plastered to his face but fully dressed. He rubs a towel over his head for a moment before tossing it in the laundry bin.

"Morning." I say.

"You sound like shit." He replies. "Are you sick?"

"Just tired." I assure him, though I'm definitely not feeling great. "Keep me company for a little while?" He hesitates before walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Hey, Riku?"

"Hmm?" Instead of answering, I sit up and lean over to kiss him. Wow, sitting up is being way more tiring than it should be… "Sora, don't." I quickly apologize. "Actually…"

"Yes?"

"Sora…" He stalls and hesitates. I'm really curious now to see what he's going to say. "This…" He starts over. "I… just… Don't take this the wrong way, Sora, please." It's okay, I understand that some days he doesn't want to be touched. "I think… that… we should take a break for a while."

"…What do you mean?" I ask. I'm totally lost now.

"From our relationship. I think we should take a break."

"…What…?" I ask again, but I know what he's saying.

"I just want time to myself. To think things over."

"It's okay, Riku," I'm frantic now, pleading. "You can think, you can have time to yourself, but… we don't have to break up! If you want me to leave you alone, I will, just…"

"Sora." He says, sternly. "Just give me this, okay? Don't make it harder than it should be."

I lose it. "Harder than it should be? How the hell can you say that? Everything was fine a few days ago and now you're telling me we're through!"

"That's not what I'm saying!" He snaps, and I can tell he's getting ready to shout if necessary. "I'm not breaking up with you! I am just trying to tell you--"

"You're telling me we're not in a relationship anymore. That's also known as... breaking up."

"Fine." Riku says, obviously drained. "Call it whatever you want. Just--"

"Forget it." I murmur, suddenly exhausted. "Do whatever. Just… just… do whatever. I just want to sleep."

"Sora…" He starts, but says nothing more. He slowly walks out, gently closes the door behind him. I sneeze about six times and cough a little. After, the tears begin to fall.

Damn it.


	18. Riku: Protection

_author's note: _Another quick update (:D), though something feels off about this chapter. I can't figure out what. Blaah._  
_

_Home  
Chapter 18  
(Riku's POV)_

I haven't been back upstairs for several hours now. I know I won't be able to face Sora. I'm wondering now if I made the right choice, or if I should go back and tell him I've changed my mind.  
No… I know I can't do that.  
If I turn back now that will hurt him more in the long run. If I just give myself time to think, to sort things out, then I'll know that I can be confident about us when he takes me back.  
If he takes me back.  
If I decide we're right for each other.

This is, I guess you could say, my final test. Everything else in life is slowly falling into place:  
I'm having no more flashbacks.  
I'm comfortable around Mr. Hart and Sora's family.  
I feel, generally, saner. I don't feel like I'm slowly going crazy, my thoughts are no longer so jumbled and awkward that even I can't understand their meaning, and my mind feels clearer than it has in a long time.

I just want to see if I can cope without Sora. I want to see if I can still be on my own. I know it's stupid, but it's important to me. And, if I can, I want to see if the memories I was repressing can come back. If I can make them come back then I can move on more quickly without them making me ill. And if that happens again, who knows? Maybe I'll have Sora back by my side to help me. But most of all, I feel like I have some issues I still need to work out on my own. One day I'm fine, and the next I can't control my emotions. True, those days are almost completely gone, but I want to figure it out for once and for all. Sora can't be there for this.

Secretly, I know that's not entirely true. Actually, it's bullshit. I'm scared of the commitment, that's all. Yeah, all those things play into it. But… I just want to go back to life without Sora for a little while.

Though I'm wondering if I did spring this on him rather quickly. We were happy just a few days ago, and this probably threw him. If I want him to trust me, I should do something to deserve it, shouldn't I? I can't be afraid of him anymore.

I start back upstairs and open the door, fully expecting him to be pissed and tell me to leave. He is…  
Asleep?

…What? I quietly walk over to the bed and put my hand on his shoulder; it wakes him up.

"You change your mind?" He asks softly. He reaches for a tissue and sneezes into it. I knew he was sick.

"No, not yet." I reply, not removing my hand. "Are you alright?"

"I got the flu! This sucks." He reaches for yet another tissue.

"Do you want me to get your dad…?" I ask, and his eyes darken a little. I did something, but I'm not sure what.

"Sure."

That's the last thing he says to me all day.

-  
Surprise, surprise, Sora's still sick the next day. I slept downstairs on the couch, and when I came up to get fresh clothes, he sounded just as awful as he did yesterday.

This time, Mr. Hart isn't here to take care of him. It's all up to me. God, what shitty timing. Once again I make my way upstairs and barge in on him.

"Hey, need anything while I'm up?" I ask.

"No." He sighs.

"You should probably eat…" He groans at that little suggestion.

"Don't even talk about food. I'm so not hungry…"

"…Well…" I don't want to be an obnoxious nag, and I don't want to sound like I care too much, but I can't help it. "When you can, just… get me. Alright?" Unfortunately, the truth is that I do care. He's my boyfriend for Christ's sake.  
Or, was my boyfriend.

Then I take one look at him and realize I'm crazy. There's no way he could get up and get me. I know I'll probably get sick just from being in this room with him, let alone touching him, but I still end up by his bedside, back toward him, knees bent just a little. "Come on, get up." I say.

"Really…?" He asks.

"Really."  
He slowly begins to get out of bed and hesitantly climbs up onto my back.

"Don't drop me."

"I wasn't planning to."

It's a little awkward; I've never given or been given a piggyback ride before, and it becomes an obstacle to get down the never ending flight of stairs. Somehow I manage, not dropping him or losing my grip before we reach the couch. He curls up and closes his eyes. "Your welcome." I murmur, thinking he's already asleep.  
Wrong.

"I didn't thank you, buttface." He replies.

Well, I certainly expected a better reaction then that.  
Asshole.

Still, maybe I should give him a break, just for today. He's being a rude little pig, but he's sick and tired and I just told him we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore. I suppose he's entitled. I take this as an opportunity to head upstairs into our room while Sora's not there. I guess from now on I'll have to take another room. Maybe that one downstairs.

Once I'm in the bathroom and lock the door (reflex; I don't want anyone walking in on me again), I grab a towel from under the sink, strip, and turn the shower head up to its highest setting. I usually don't do that, but it feels good today. I should probably have saved this shower until tonight, because I know I'll have to, once again, come in contact with Sora, whose body is like a festival for germs right now. But I feel like I need to get the germs I may or may not have gotten from him right now. It's not so much a phobia or OCD in my case as it is the simple fact that I get sick easily. I feel like if I really scrub myself clean now I'll be fine. It probably won't work that way because, again, I get sick easily.

Oh well. It happens, I guess. If I get sick I get sick, but either way Sora's on his own tomorrow. What's the point of separating myself from him if we're always together?

There I go, doubting myself again… No, it's good we're not going to be a couple for a while. It's a truly good thing.

Sighing, I finish cleaning and turn off the water. I need to check on Sora.

-  
The first thing I do once I'm dry is go down to see if Sora's awake yet. If not, he at least looks like he's asleep, from the way he looks so peaceful and holds so incredibly still that if not for his chest rising and falling every so often, he would look like a statue or photo or painting. Completely ethereal. No, no, ethereal isn't the right word; he's angelic.  
Until he raises his head to sneeze on the pillow.

He groans and slowly gravitates to the other side of the couch. Probably for the sole purpose of sneezing on the last clean pillow.

Oh well. At any rate, it's past noon, I'm getting hungry, and I'm sure Sora is also. I gently shake him, not knowing if he's fallen back into the deep slumber he's been in all day.

He sounds very alert as he asks, "What?"

"Do you want me to make you lunch while I'm up?" I still fail at sounding unconcerned, but in this state, my now ex- doesn't notice. Maybe he never would anyway. He props himself up with one hand while using the other to rub his eyes. He's still clearly far from his best and I'm not even sure if he's exactly in his right mind, either.

"I want ice cream." He mutters, and at first I'm not sure I've heard him right. When I ask him to repeat it, louder, his voice is so hoarse it pains me to hear it. "My throat hurts so bad." He adds, just as quietly as before. He closes his eyes and sinks back into the fuzzy green blanket I threw over him not too long ago.

"I'll make you soup." I offer. Assuming we have any. He doesn't respond, so I decide to take the silence as a yes. I rummage through the kitchen, still not used to the unorganized organization that litters every last cabinet. I find the soup way up on the top shelf, grab some bread and cold cuts for myself, and get to "work".

I manage to eat before Sora's soup is ready, so I can then focus on getting Sora to eat. I bring over the bowl and hold it a little way away from his face. He shakes his head.  
I can get him to sit up, but I can't get him to eat. I set the bowl on the table and sit next to him.

"You'll feel better if you get something to eat. The heat will be good for your throat." No response. "Come on, before I force feed you." Now I at least get a glare as I pick the glass up again and feed him his first spoonful. Sora gags a little for show, then begins to eat on his own.

Well, mission accomplished for now.

-  
I left Sora to sleep for a while as I moved some of my things to the guest room downstairs. I haven't cleared my little move with Mr. Hart yet, so I only take a few books and things from my bedside table upstairs. When I check on Sora again, he's more annoyed at me than he's been all day. He's actually hostile.

I put my hand on his shoulder and she shoves it off, telling me to get the hell away from him. Those are his exact words: "Get the hell away from me." As I back off he adds, "I don't want to see you."

"Sora…"

Maybe it would just be better to leave him. I suppose I'm just stubborn today, because I really don't feel like letting him get the last word. I kneel in front of the couch and get my face close to his. "Listen you little punk," I tell him, sugary sweet. "I'm trying to take care of you, here. I know you're pissed at me, deservedly so, but you can at least not be a little ungrateful snot."

He replies with nothing but, "Take a breath mint."

I give.

-  
The next and final time I check on him, he's already awake and sitting up. I guess I should be relieved that's he's not still asleep. It can't be good for him; it certainly made me feel like shit when I slept all day when I'd get the flu.  
Of course, I'm not… exactly… normal.

Neither is the way Sora's sitting, all hunched over. Something is definitely really wrong.

"Sora?" I ask, rushing over to the couch again.

"Riku…" He cries, voice thick with emotion. Oh God, oh my God… I don't know what's happening or how to fix it. I've never felt so helpless.

"What, Sora? What's wrong?"

"…I feel sick…" He's shivering uncontrollably so I wrap him in that nice blanket and hold him in my arms.

"You're okay," I repeat over and over again, even though I'm a little unsure. "You'll be fine."

"I'm hot and cold, my stomach and throat hurt, I'm thirsty…" I continue holding him, my grip tightening every second, to the point that my hands clutching on the blanket so hard my nails are digging into my palm.

"It'll pass," I assure him. "I'll get you something to drink and we'll just wait until this passes…"

"I can't drink, Riku…"

"Of course you can." And I'm sure it'll help as much as the soup did. Fuck, I think that made it worse. When he'd get sick when we were runaways, I always knew what to do… But now I suppose I was still just winging it, I was just more arrogant and knew was right. Truth is, I bet I didn't know shit. Same as now.

Sora then begins to cry. He holds back at first before giving in and sobbing openly. I stroke his hair as he lays his head on my shoulder, weeping until he finally falls asleep, still sniffling a little.

That was exhausting. Still, I decide that it's better to wait with him this time than go off to do other things. I want to avoid getting into any more situations like that. I don't even care if I get sick, anymore.

I decide after a while to just turn on the TV and find something dumb enough to calm me down. I really want Mr. Hart to get here, and soon.

-  
I jump every time Sora murmurs in his sleep or shifts around or coughs. I'm afraid he'll either wake up and be a pissy piece of crap, or he'll freak out on me again.

To my relief, Mr. Hart doesn't come home late from work. If anything, he's rather early.

"Hey," He greets me in a hushed tone. "Is Sora asleep?"

"Yeah. He has been all day." I whisper in response. I chose not to tell him about the rather frightening incident that happened a few hours ago.

Smiling, he walks over to the couch and puts his hand on Sora's shoulder. He's slow to stir, but when he does his entire face lights up.

"Hi, buddy." Mr. Hart says. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired." Sora replies, as if it's that simple.

"Can you eat?"

"I could try." Mr. Hart sits down on the couch right next to Sora. I head upstairs, knowing I'm not needed anymore.

And being oddly alright with it.

-  
Sora's sick for about a week, and misses the first few days back at school because of it. When I'm sick, I feel like crap for about a day then I'm better. But it happens so frequently it's just strange. However, aside from the time he ate those bad eggs, I've never seen him sick, and it hit him hard. I don't get how Sora and I can be so different, even when it comes to things like illnesses.

Relationship-wise… Sora still isn't talking to me much. He mopes around a little, like he usually does when he's having a bad day. It's hard without him, I'll admit that much. Sleeping alone downstairs just isn't as good as our cozy shared one in our room.

At lunch I eat away from everyone, and Selphie wants an explanation.

"Why are you all alone?" She asks, setting her tray next to mine and sitting down. I don't usually eat school food, but I just haven't felt like getting up early enough to make anything. "Riku? We were all wondering where you were. I want you to meet my other friends, they usually have practice during lunch but they don't this week, and… are you listening?" I nod. "…Well…" She says, getting back on topic. "Why aren't you eating with us?" I shrug. I am not telling her what's going on between me and Sora.

"I just felt like eating by myself today. Catch up on schoolwork."

The doesn't buy it. "The first week back from vacation? You're crazy." I shrug again.

"Let's say 'determined'." I reply. The comment earns me a sincere smile.

"If you want me to keep you company…"

"I'm fine." She nods and leaves without saying another word.

-  
Sora's not quite so upset at me as we board the bus to leave at the end of the day. It wasn't quite as awkward this morning; Mr. Hart dropped Sora off so he wouldn't catch another bug from someone on the bus. He offered to take me, but I declined… of course, Mr. Hart can't be here to pick Sora up, so I don't know how this will work out. He always sits next to me, even when there's clearly no room. More than once he's asked someone to move so he can sit by me, and he doesn't let up until they leave.

Not today.

He lingers in the back of the crowd, not purposely avoiding me--there aren't enough people here for him to be able to hide in any way-- but not trying to find me, either. The bus pulls up and its doors slowly open. That damn thing is so old I'm surprised the doors can work at all. Usually a newer one picks us up, but I read a few days ago that that one got into a minor accident and needed to be fixed up a little…  
I'm the first one in, though there are still plenty of people already sitting, not even one of them my age. I take a seat near the front (less bumpy so I won't start to feel sick, though I'm sure that one time was mainly because of stress). I idly watch every one else pile in, trying to spot Sora. I don't see him come in, put I see him pass me. Again, he doesn't purposely avoid me; he takes the first empty seat he sees. It just happens to be far away from me…  
At first I watch him as he shifts around, plays with the zipper on his backpack, and stares out the window. Soon, I've drifted away, deep into my own thoughts.

Maybe I should end our break sooner than I originally had planned...

The bus soon comes to a stop. I'm around the third one off. I wonder if I should wait for Sora or if I should just go ahead? I think I'll wait… maybe that will show him that I'm not meaning to cut ties with him completely.

I don't think I gave him that impression. As he reaches the doorway he notices me and winces. I know what that means: he wanted to be alone to his thoughts. I've given him that look many times. Except he's courteous enough to not mention it. He looks forward again, but it's too late. He didn't noticed the step down and trips. He gasps audibly and, without even thinking about it, grab his arm, yanking him back. After he catches his balance again he steps off the bus and onto the pavement.

"Thanks," He says, sheepishly.

"No problem," I reply.

And those are the only words we exchange. Even when we get back to his house we go into our respective rooms to study. Dinner brings us together for a short while before we go our separate ways once again. For some reason I'm drained. I fall asleep as soon as I'm finished studying, about ten minutes after dinner. I can hear Sora and Mr. Hart laughing at some TV show in the next room, even in my dreams.

-  
Z…  
Za…  
-  
Well, now I remember why it's not too good for me to fall asleep early: it's 4 AM and I'm wide awake. I must have had a strange dream, or dreamt about something that's happened to me, because I feel a little jittery. Since I'm certainly not going to fall asleep again in the next few minutes, I get up, change into my pajamas, brush my teeth over the sink in the kitchen (even though the bathroom's closer), and push my schoolwork off the covers. I shouldn't study in bed again. I wouldn't have fallen asleep sitting up… I push the covers over and crawl in. The sheets are nice and cool from being un-slept in all night, but it still doesn't help me sleep.

And I'll have to get up in two hours anyway, so changing was pointless.  
Damn.

-  
I'm not sure when I fell asleep, or what time it is when I wake up. After I hear someone up, I jump out of bed and rush into the kitchen. If it's Mr. Hart, I'm extremely early to get ready for school. If it's Sora, I'm extremely late.

Oh, shit, it's Sora.

"What time is it?" I ask him.

"Six-something." He replies. "I woke up early and just… felt like getting up."

"Really…?" I ask, now completely relieved. I don't really know why I was so tense, anyway. It's just school, it's no big deal if I'm late one day. I mean, I missed three years. "That's unlike you… you usually sleep in." I say that partly to make conversation, quite unlike me, and partly to show him that I haven't forgotten about his likes and dislikes…

He shrugs. "Well, there's not really any point staying in bed when there's no one there with you." I recognize the expression he has on now, as well. This one says, 'Shit, I've said too much.' "Anyway," He continues, awkwardly, "You should get ready, otherwise we'll be late. You, I mean. You'll be late. I'm ready… you'll be late." He fails miserably at looking casual as he takes a sip from his mug.

Well, he is technically right. I will be late if I stand here all day. I head back into the other room and get ready. Before leaving, I quickly scan the floor in the room, just to make sure I collected all the homework I knocked on the floor last night.

I think I did.

I half expected Sora to wait for me, but when I get back out into the kitchen, he's gone. I glance over at the clock. It's kind of late, I usually leave much earlier than this. Shit. I rush out the door; partly because I don't want to miss the bus, partly because I want to catch up with Sora.  
God, I'm pathetic. I should just leave him alone until we get back together.

-  
I catch the bus just in time, but not early enough to get a seat in the front. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, where I can't see Sora anywhere. I'm not stalking him, really. I just wanted to know if he got on before me, or at all. I suppose he could have walked the whole way, but that would be unlike him…  
Well, what does it matter to me?

I go straight to my first period class when I get off the bus. I used to hang around with Sora and sometimes Kairi or Selphie before the bell rang, but now I guess I shouldn't. If Sora really doesn't want to see me, I won't impose on his space.

The first bell rings, then the second, then the late bell. After everyone piles in and takes their seats, we're instructed to get out our homework and…

I am missing half of it. Damn it. I knew I left it on the floor in Mr. Hart's guest room… Oh well. I try to explain, but my teacher's too much of a hard-ass to listen. I get written up. Unsurprisingly, I don't really care. I've been written up for worse things in my school career. I semi-reflect on the time I stabbed Nero with a pencil (in self defense, really) and get written up once more for not paying attention.  
Drag.

My next two classes go better, and as the lunch bell rings I find myself wandering to the same place I ate yesterday. I have a bad feeling in my gut, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't know how Mr. Hart will react to my "misbehaving"?

No… it isn't. First of all, he wouldn't do anything about it. He's too nice. He wants to be my friend too much. Secondly… I don't much care what he thinks.

Selphie comes up and starts talking to me again, but today it's not just for idle conversation. "Riku," She starts shouting before she's even close to reaching me. "Riku!" Once she's next to me she begins chattering, not even bothering to exchange pleasantries. "Some asshole won't leave us alone. He's really bugging Sora. Will you come over and help us out? You're a lot bigger than him, so…"

"Want me to knock him around a little?" I ask, already getting up.

"Don't hurt him." She says. "You could get suspended! Just… be intimidating." Can do. I follow her back to their usual eating place to find that same guy I bumped into a few weeks ago antagonizing my boyfriend.  
Ex-boyfriend.

I knew he'd be trouble, and I knew I had a bad feeling. Damn it. I'm always right, this should have been the first place I checked out, instead of just sitting and thinking.

At first I just walk up to him and give him an irritated, "Hey," Not threatening, just a little sign that he's being annoying. He doesn't reply. He doesn't even look at me. That pisses me off. I'm not even sure what he's talking to Sora about, but Sora really looks troubled by it. This time I grab the guy's shoulder. "Look, just leave them alone." He shoves me, telling me to leave him alone.

"This is none of your business." He snarls. I grab him again, but this time I yank him so he's facing me and looking right at me, the angle so he's looking up at me.

"If it has to do with Sora, it has to do with me. You're pissing him off, and you're pissing me off."

"What the hell is your problem?"

"He's mine, and I won't let anyone treat him with anything less than the utmost respect." That doesn't seem to answer his question.

"You're crazy. Go away."

"You go away. Spread your misery somewhere else, you shit-head." I look at Sora briefly before letting go of that moron. Their eyes both widen, and Sora says,

"Riku, you don't need to get involved. Just stay out of--" He doesn't finish before the guy gets back up and slugs me.

Oh, that's it. He's dead. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into. He manages to spit out some… particularly unkind words to my ex-; some general taunts, something about him needing me to protect him.  
Yeah, he's definitely dead.

I give him a swift punch in the face and kick him in the stomach while he's down. He's pretty much done and would probably leave if I stop, but I'm too used to having to fight for my life, as if I'm still out on the streets. I'm ready to kill him, as if he'd kill me first. I can't switch out of Survival Mode. I keep hitting him, and after he gets up, he hits back. It doesn't end until a supervisor sees what's going on. And starts yelling for us to stop. He notices before I do and lets his guard down.

I get caught punching him one last time, and if it weren't for the bruises he's given me, it would look like he didn't do any fighting at all. …Well, I'm sure this is going to look superb on my records. Again… not the first time this has happened to me. As the supervisor begins talking to us, Selphie's trying to tell her how this started, and everyone in our little audience is speaking in low murmurs. Sora's off to the side, looking pathetic. He gets dragged to the principal's office with me, as the school official only listened to the names that came up in Selphie's story-- not what actually happened. Sora's absolutely horrified to hear that they'll be calling his dad from work.

God, Sora. I'm so sorry…

We're sitting in the office; me and Sora outside of the principal's office, that jerk in the Nurse's office. God, all of this mess and I don't even know his name. We get called in momentarily and sit down in front of his desk.  
Last time we were here, we were registering. It feels like a lifetime ago…

The principal rambles on about how what we did was bad, and it's disappointing, and blah blah blah. I don't speak up until he says something about suspending the three of us.

"Sir," I say loudly enough to stop him, but not snapping at him. "Sora had nothing to do with this. Se--" I pause. If I mention Selphie's name, she may get in trouble, too. "My friend came to me and told her that someone was picking on her and Sora. I went over to try and intimidate him, and he punched me. I reacted in self-defense. You can still suspend me; I know what I did was wrong. Just… leave Sora out of it. He's the victim in all of this." I'm not even how much I believe what I'm saying, but Mr. Miller sure buys it.

He thinks for a moment; not making a noise other than the sound of his fingers tapping rhythmically on the desk.

"I'm still required to call you father. It's the law. He should be arriving shortly... when he does, we'll get this all worked out."

I glance over at Sora, hoping for a smile. Anything.  
He doesn't look my way.

-  
Mr. Hart arrives sometime within the next fifteen minutes. When he walks in, Sora gives him a pathetic little wave. I stare at the ground, suddenly ashamed of myself.  
I fucked up.  
I really fucked up.

"What seems to be the matter?" He asks, sitting in the chair between Sora and I. He's exhausted and annoyed, but still attempts at sounding cheery. This clearly calms Sora.

"Riku got into a fight with another boy during lunch." Mr. Miller explains simply. He looks down at a piece of paper and says, "…ah… Camden Ward, is his name."

Mr. Hart puts his head in one hand. "Riku…" He groans.

"It was self-defense." I reply lamely. Mr. Miller looks at another sheet of paper and adds, unhappily,

"That's two write-ups in a number of hours."

"…Two?" Mr. Hart asks, weakly. "Riku?"

"I left an essay at home. It's… it's no big deal."

"Riku, this can't happen again." He starts, then shakes his head. "You know what? We can go through that later. Mr. Miller, what's going to happen with Riku and Sora?" Here comes the part we're all dreading.

"Because Riku's claimed he fought in self-defense, and this isn't the first time this year that Ward's been reported for alleged bullying and fight-picking… I will let your boys off with a warning. Once. If anything of this nature happens again, it's a week's suspension for them both."

"Thank you." Is Mr. Hart's sincere reply.

"Now… you may want to bring them home early today. Ward's certainly leaving. And," Mr. Miller's voice gets much quieter. "We'll make sure he will be punished accordingly. In the first two months back from school, he's already been reported almost ten times."

Mr. Hart's smiling, but it looks forced to me. "What do you say?" He turns to me, then Sora. "Do you want to leave now so you can get some rest…?"

"No." Sora replies, shocking the hell out of me. "I'm alright."

"Me, too." I agree.

"Okay, then." Mr. Hart says. "I'll see you both later." He shakes hands with Mr. Miller and leaves.

By the time we leave the office, we've almost missed our next class.

-  
All eyes are on me when I enter my classroom. It's easy to ignore the stares when they aren't laced with crude remarks, snickering, or thrown objects. I feel as though I suddenly have this sense of authority among my peers and I love it.

"Hey…" Some kid whispers to me when the teacher's back is turned. I think his name's Clark. "What happened during lunch? I heard you beat the shit out of Camden. He had a black eye and everything." I respond only with a knowing smile after the teacher tells 'whoever it is' to be quiet. "He's such a loser. He's mean to everybody. "  
I feel a small pang of guilt in my stomach. I don't know what it's from.

After the bell rings signaling to go to our final class, I notice Camden hanging around outside. I sneak out and walk up to him.

"Hey." I say, normally this time.

"Come to hit me again?" He asks.

"Look," I say it quickly because I hate apologizing, especially with that shit had it coming. "I'm sorry I beat you up. I shouldn't have. But, you're an asshole, and you deserved it."

"…Where are you going with this?"

"I think you've got to be a miserable son of a bitch to pick on everyone you see. So, lighten the fuck up and leave people alone. Nero… it'll make life easier. For everybody."

He calls me a pussy. Okay, fine. Whatever. But what he says next freaks me out: "And my name isn't Nero."

I run over everything I've just said. Oh, God. I did call him Nero. I run to my next class, partly because I'm late.

Partly because I'm scaring myself. I am losing it.

"You have no excuse to be late," Mr. Aband says without even turning around. He's writing some math problem down and is so engrossed in it that I don't think he's really paying attention.

"I was at the Nurse's office." I say. Lying still comes naturally, though not as much as it used to.

"Where's your pass?"

"It was a busy day. She must have forgotten to fill it out."

He completely buys it. Yet again, I feel the tiny pain that only guilt can cause.

What's happening to me?

-  
The discomfort continues when Sora speaks to me for the first time since before my fight with Camden:

"Why did you stick up for me? That was stupid. You could have gotten into a lot of trouble."

"Because I care about you." I reply, flatly. "I don't want you to get pushed around."

He pauses, then gets to the question I know he was meaning to ask. "If you care so much, then why did you break up with me?"

Because I'm confused. Because I'm scared. I don't know who I am anymore, I think I should sort this out on my own. I can't think when we're together. I can't seriously think; it all changes to how happy I am with you, how these feelings are so unfamiliar… how I think, for the first time…  
I'm feeling… real, true…

Damn it, I'm so scared. "Because… I was… questioning our relationship. Where I am. Where you are."

"…Where…?"

"In life. In general."

"That's bull." He whispers.

I know, Sora. I know.  
And I'm sorry.


	19. Sora: Holiday

_**A semi important (to me) note: **_I've made a forum with fellow FFN author Chiisarin. It's for prompt exchanges. So if anyone's itching for a certain couple/idea to be written, but you don't want to do it yourself, or maybe you just want see what people can write about based on a single word, go there. It's fun. (I've already written a XemnasAlice and XemnasTifa. Both are on my LJ. Yikes.)

_Also: _Could someone please tell me why when you look under "characters" is has Riku and Riku R.? I know they don't mean Rikku… Could Riku's last name be Rikuson like I've always theorized?!

_Home  
Chapter 19  
(Sora's POV) _

I'm kind of getting used to being without Riku. I'm not really mad at him anymore… I never truly was. It's just hard to be around him all the time when he's clearly through with me. I wish he could just say we're over so I can move on, instead of leaving me hanging like this.

The worst part is that he's miserable, too. But he's just too stubborn to come forward and say he made a mistake. I'm not sure if I should talk to him, try to get him back, or just leave him alone.

I guess that for now I'll just have to go on as if I'm single. I kind of _am_. I just can't mope around anymore.

I'm a little afraid of going back to school tomorrow. I think it was because of that jerk picking on me. I'd never even _seen _him before yesterday, so I don't know what his problem is. It's stupid, but I guess I was more hurt by him than I thought.

I thought I was stronger than that, but… I guess I'm just not there yet.

But the days go by, and nothing especially bad happens. I guess Camden what's-his-face really _did _get suspended.

Who knew?

When I get home I avoid Riku, as usual, and look through the mail. I have a letter. I instantly know it's from Goofy because I can recognize his messy handwriting.

_Sora,_

_you didn't reply to our last letter, so I guess you didn't get it. _

Oops.

_everything's still fine here. we saw your mom the other day. she looked alright. school's good. someone asked about you the other day. we said you were living with your dad now. (see? people know your gone!) _

_How are you and Riku?_

_Reply this time!_

_(Donald told me to say that.)_

This time I do write back. Instead of starting my homework, I hunt down some paper and a pen and begin my letter back:

_Donald and Goofy,_

_I did get your letter and I'm sorry I didn't say anything. _

I chew the bottom of the pen, thinking about what I'm supposed to say.

_I've been busy. We went to see my aunt and uncle and stayed over there for a while. (They're nice. I hadn't met them before.) It's dumb, but I'm glad to hear that people are asking about me._

Speaking of dumb…

_Riku's good, too. We're taking a "break" in our relationship, but I think…_

No, no way. I'm not telling them the details of my love life. They didn't ask about that. I erase that last sentence, leaving it at "Riku's good, too".

_School's going well for both of us! I've made a few friends, but I still miss you guys. _I leave off there. No need to get mushy, but I don't need to act like they've been replaced or anything. I leave out the whole Camden thing. I wouldn't want to worry them. Hesitantly, I add: _I'm glad Mom's alright. Thanks for letting me know. _

_Sora._

I leave it on the table. I'll ask Dad where the envelopes are later. I head upstairs to go do homework, but I end up getting side-tracked. I never emptied out my backpack from when I ran away. I don't really bother looking through it: I just toss the whole thing into the trash.

Until something catches my eye.

There's a little folded up paper poking out from a mesh pocket, glaring at me from the front of my backpack. I know it's gross, but I dig it out even though I end up coming in contact with old tissues from when I was sick. I seriously need to wash my hands now…

I open up the paper; it's another letter. This time, from Raye. I wonder when he wrote it…?

It's a jumbled mess of thoughts displayed with small, fat handwriting. It reads,

_Dear Sora._

_Thank you for talking to me. You saw me when no one else did. I hope one day I'll see you again so I can thank you in person. Your boyfriend is lucky. I hope you both stay happy together. _

_Good luck with everything._

_Please never change. _

_Sincerely_

_Raye. _

It's odd, but I just feel so _warm _upon reading it. It's not like I have a crush or anything, but he's just… too nice to believe. I'm going to _pray _that no one takes advantage of that. He'll get crushed in the real world… He's already been so crushed.

In an odd way, though, reading it makes me love Riku even more. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because they're polar opposites. I think about what Raye was like and how sweet and kind he was and how much I liked him, even though I only knew him for that short time. Then I think about how Riku's cold and aloof and…

I guess I prefer cold and aloof. I even like Mr. Cold and Aloof when he's being sweet and kind. But at least Raye wasn't jealous; he liked me and still wished the best for me and Riku: the guy who was mean to him. But Riku's jealousy makes me feel… I don't know. Wanted, I guess.

I can't stand being broken up with Riku. I'm going to talk to him. I walk back downstairs into his (sigh) new room and sit in front of him on his bed.

He sounds surprised as he asks, "What is it?"

He puts the paper down he was holding, and I put my hand over his. "We can work this out." I say. He laces his fingers with mine and replies:

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I don't even miss a beat.

"Are you really sure you want to put up with all of this?"

"All of what…?"

He smiles, but it's not a happy smile. "Me and all my shit."

I just grin. "I always have."

"Sora, I'm so confused right now. If we're together we'll just… we'll be rocky. It'll suck." He reasons.

"S'alright." I say.

He shakes his head. "You're making a mistake."

"You _can _say no…" I reply, softly.

"I don't want to." I smile, thinking this means we're together again.

Wrong. He adds, after a moment, "But I guess I will."

"Guess you will… say no…?" He doesn't look at me as he nods. I can't believe it.

"Riku," I say, tightening my grip on his hand. "We'll be okay if we're _together_."

"Give me some more time."

To both his surprise and mine, I reply, "You've had lots of time. I don't want to give you any more."

"Two days." He murmurs as I get up to leave.

"Huh?"

"Give me two days. That's all I want."

"What if by the end of the two days you decide we're broken up for good…?" I ask, suddenly sounding and feeling very weak.

"Then you finally get to mess around with more stable guys." He replies with a shrug.

I hate that he simplifies our relationship to "messing around". "What happens to you then…? You just… move on?"

"Maybe."

"Get with someone else?" I ask, scared of his answer.

"Probably not." He replies, quietly.

I sigh. "So… two days…?"

"Two days."

Before leaving, I ask, "Promise?"

He sends a reassuring smile my way. "Promise."

"I, uh… guess I should go now." I murmur. He just shrugs.

"Do what you want."

I guess I should feel better, but I feel like shit. But it's just two days, right?

God, I _should _have said now or never. I should have told him that if he didn't decide _today _then we're were through. I guess he just means more to me than that … I'd wait forever for him. I just hope that there's _some _payoff. Maybe he'll be more open. Maybe we'll sleep together.

Not that I've even run that idea past him in the first place.

Oh well.

Two days… that should go by quickly enough.

Right?

--

It's been about four minutes. I'm going crazy. I should be doing homework but I just don't want to. I want to be back together with Riku.

This is just sad, isn't it? I have my own identity and my own life. I've been so obsessed with him that it's creepy. I don't know when he became my entire life. And… look. We're apart, we're not touching, we're not looking at each other and we're not fighting… I'm still here. I haven't burst into flames. I'm not dead yet.

I'm alright. I can last two days.

And I really should get my homework done sometime before tomorrow.

Alright! Let's see what it says. "Mixed Review: If Y+230 -25, what is Y?"

…I prefer moping over Riku.

--

Day one is almost over. (Did he mean "two days" starting today or tomorrow?) Again, I'm heading to my bedroom all alone, to sleep in this big bed with no company. It was lonely at first, but it's not _that _bad. It's kind of nice having all this space to myself. My room at Mom's house was tiny, and my bed was almost impossible to sleep in.

Well, that's not entirely true. I could sleep but I couldn't get comfortable.

In here, I can fall asleep in mere minutes. And I do.

I wake up sometime in the middle of the night to the sound of my door opening and shutting. What's going on…?

"Hey, Sora," Riku whispers. The bed shakes a little. It's too dark to see anything but I'm assuming he's sitting at the edge of the bed.

"What…?" I mutter.

"Nothing." He says. "I can't fall asleep."

"Oh." Is my simple reply.

"Yeah." He pauses for a moment before continuing. "Is there room for me?"

"'V'course. It's still your bed, too…" The bed shakes some more as he crawls in next to me.

And on top of me.

Okay, he _has _to realize he's doing that.

"Sora…"He whispers right in my ear.

"Riku…" I say back, nervously. I follow it by laughing stupidly. He acts as if I've never even said anything. Just as well, I guess. He reaches down and presses his lips against mine. Before I even know what's going on we're making out, and it doesn't look like he's going to get off of me anytime soon. I hold him close, not even tensing up a little as he works a hand between my legs. I'm absolutely _not _myself as I start pulling off his belt (why didn't he change into pajamas?) and yanking down his pants.

"Sora…"

I'm working his boxers off, he's moaning my name, "Sora…!", over and over and…

And then I wake up.

…

_Damn it! _Not again! How come those are always _just _dreams? Why can't they ever actually happen?

And why do I always have to wake up when it starts getting good?

I thought I'd be able to make it through these next two days no problem, but now, because of that stupid dream… I'm going to spend 48 hours wanting to take him _right now_ and

I.

Can't.

Do.

It.

This isn't at all like we were visiting my aunt and uncle; at least then (in theory) we could wait until everyone went to bed. But now… this just isn't fair.

In the morning I focus on getting ready for school, catching the bus, and sitting as far away from Riku as I can.

Alright, I think I'll be okay. As long as I avoid Riku, I'll be fine. I've been avoiding him for the past few days, so… this should be simple.

--

I can't concentrate all through class. I'm so bored. I want to get out and run around a little. I need to stretch and move and shout. Lunch won't even be here for another few hours.

It's not about Riku, though I wouldn't object to pushing him over and screwing him senseless right about now.

Dang.

It's going to be a long day.

--

I'm a little surprised that lunch has actually arrived sometime before my 80th birthday. After getting my lunch, I immediately head to our usual lunch-eating spot. I'm glad Riku was nice enough to leave once we broke up, and not make _me _leave instead. I hang around with Selphie and Kairi and their other friends, Wakka and Tidus. I only met them a few days ago, but they're pretty nice.

"Hey," Selphie says, suddenly. She motions over to someone sitting at another table. "Isn't he cute?"

"Selphie…" Tidus groans. She ignores him.

"Which one?" Kairi asks.

"The one over there."

"…There are lots of boys over there."

"I'm talking about the cute one."

And the conversation starts all over again, until I finally say, "I know who you're talking about." Even though I don't think I do.

"See? _Someone _gets it." Selphie says to no one in particular. "Isn't he cute?"

"Sure." I reply. Okay, now I definitely don't like the look she's giving me. She almost forces me to boy-watch until the bell rings.

Actually, it's not as bad as it sounds. It gets my mind off Riku.

And there are some okay-looking guys around.

--

School passes quickly from lunch. I wonder if Riku's still thinking about "our relationship" or if he just made that whole thing up to buy some time. Oh well. I suppose I should just keep focusing on homework and not how fantastic Riku's looking today.

We sit across from each other at a small table in the living room, where we would usually do homework when we were still together.

"Stop that." He says, suddenly.

Huh?

"Stop what?"

"You're reading out loud and it's distracting."

I shake my head. "I don't know what you're talking about." I continue writing.

"You're doing it again." Riku mutters after a moment. I ignore him. "Sora, pay attention. You're doing it." I ignore him some more. "Sora…"

"Fine!" I reply quickly.

He's right. I just now notice I've been moving my lips along with the words as I write. I wonder how long I've been doing that for.

Actually… now all the dirty looks I get in class when we're supposed to read to ourselves make sense.

Jeez, I'm annoying. I quickly apologize and try to stop myself from doing it again. Hey, it's another thing that gets my mind off Riku.

…Has it been two days yet?

--

Day one was really tough, but day two's a breeze. School flies by (only two days until Friday!), I feel more upbeat than I have in a while, and I've almost forgotten that we'd broken up when Riku sits next to me on the couch, watching TV for a few minutes before turning his attention to me. I think I know what he's going to say.

I think I'm actually right this time.

"We're back together?" I ask, anxiously. Now that this moment's actually here, I feel nervous and distressed all over again.

"Are we?" He replies. Wait… he's actually leaving something up to _me?_ Two days have changed him.

"Yeah." I say, with a nod of my head. "I think we are."

He scoots up closer to me and puts his hand over mine. I lay my head on his shoulder.

And all is well with the world once again.

"Hey, Riku…?" I ask after almost ten minutes.

"Hm?"

"What's the _real _reason you broke up with me?" Riku looks extremely distant for a few moments before replying.

"We were never friends, you know that?"

"What…?"

"I didn't like you, then suddenly I did and we were together. We never _knew_ each other. We're… we're not friends."

Okay, this both surprises me and pisses me off.

"Riku," I say. "Of course we _know _each other. Maybe we don't understand each other sometimes, but we know each other." He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off. "For God's sake, we spent months out on the streets having to take care of each other. If that doesn't get two people to know one another, then…"

"Fair point." He says, but I don't think he means it.

I put my other hand over his and squeeze it. "You're my best friend." I tell him. "You're my _best friend._" Now would be the perfect time to tell him how much I love him, but I totally chicken out again. How hard is it to say three little words? Honestly!

"Hm." Riku closes his eyes and leans back. I'm still pondering the reason I can't seem to get up the courage to tell him how strongly I feel about him when he says, "You're my best friend, too." I almost miss it completely. I'm just glad I didn't.

I hold his hand even tighter as he leans over to kiss me. It's short and sweet and afterward he stretches out on the couch, with his head on my lap. "Sorry for being an angsty piece of shit ninety percent of the time." He says with a small smile.

"It's alright." I reply. He laughs a little. (At what?)

--

From the moment we got back together, we've been really unusually lovey-dovey. For example, this afternoon I was sitting around doing homework when all of the sudden Riku walked up and sat down right next to me. He put his arms around my stomach and pulled me over, just saying, "Hey kid," before kissing me. He then kept me company while I finished.

When we're in bed, I'll lay my head on his chest and could talk to him for hours on end. He won't say a word, he'll just listen and nod and sometimes even smile.

I guess it's not weird or anything, I mean… we broke up. But it's been a few weeks and we're still really happy and still getting along fantastically. I'm almost wondering when our relationship is going to implode.

But I won't screw up or be generally idiotic. I won't jinx this. It just won't happen.

Period.

During dinner, Dad makes another announcement. We're more than used to this, and it just doesn't bother any of us anymore. Thank the Lord.

"Since you're going to have a few weeks off for the holidays pretty soon," He says while stuffing food in his mouth. He chews, swallows, and apologizes for talking with his mouth full.. "It means that the rest of the family's coming down. Taylor, my other sisters, your cousins, everybody."

"Anyone near my age?" I ask, hopefully. I'm dying to see my family, but I'll be bored stiff hanging around with a bunch of people my Dad's age. I mean, I love my Dad. He's great. But… he's also old.

"I think you have some cousins in their mid-twenties." I sigh and slide down in my seat. By "my age" I was hoping for fourteen, fifteen, sixteen… Or even younger would have been fine. I always wanted a younger sibling and it would be nice to have that, even if it were only for a few days or a week or something.

Dad shrugs. "Sorry," He says, but he sounds amused. That really annoys me.

"Not your fault." I mutter anyway. I catch Riku giving me a little smile, and it's enough to get me through the evening.

--

Just before break, from November up until mid-December, passes in a blur of book reports, science projects, and math tests. But now we _finally _get some time off. Kairi's throwing a big party, partly for school ending, partly for her birthday, but I can't go because all my relatives are coming tonight.

"It's okay," She assures me when I call her that afternoon. "It's family. I totally get it."

"Next time." I say.

"Yeah. Next time." We're quiet for a few moments before she clears her throat. "So, how's Riku? I haven't talked to him in forever."

"He's good." I reply. "We're good. It feels like everything's going right for the first time."

"I'm really glad… you two are like the perfect couple, you know? Everyone looks at you guys and says, 'I want _that_.'" Perfect couple? Hardly. I want to say that but I know I shouldn't.

"I think by 'I want that', they're thinking they want _Riku_." I remark with a laugh. Girls are always going up and hitting on him, even when they know he's taken.

"Or you." Okay, I'm not entirely sure I heard that right.

"Or me what…?"

"You're not exactly unpopular, mister."

"What are you talking about?"

I can almost feel her smiling on the other end. "You're like, the underground gay idol of our school."

"…" I don't even know how to respond, so I pass it off with another joke. "What would mother think?!"

She laughs at that. "She'd be so proud. I wish _I _were an underground gay idol."

"It's not all fun and games. You have to do a lot of posing for art students, knighting jocks, having sex under tables at parties…"

"No, no, I already do that one." Kairi responds, giggling. "Have you heard the rumors going around about me lately?"

"I don't pay attention to that stuff."

She's laughing now, almost too much to actually talk. "Someone's saying that I'm sleeping with the football players. And the cheerleaders." I can't help but laugh at the thought.

"What??"

"I don't know! It's stupid. But.."

"But..?"

"But if I did sleep with the cheerleaders, I could be your gay idol queen."

Our conversation soon moves on from the ridiculous gay idol talk, and we say our goodbyes. Riku's way in the other room, reading.

As he says is, "I heard 'having sex under tables at parties' and decided I should go…"

I turn bright red.

Of all the things for him to overhear…

He just laughs and continues reading. I sit next to him and take his hand in mine. "Bored?" He asks. "You've been wandering around all day." I shrug and stare at the floor.

"Anxious. I wish I were at Kairi's party." He puts his head on my shoulder and doesn't reply. He sets his book down and wraps his arms around my waist. "But this is nice." I murmur. "I could stay right here all day." He smiles.

"Me too." He promptly begins kissing up and down my neck. I spread out on the couch and quickly pull him on top of me. We kiss; a long kiss that's kind of sloppy and seems to go on forever. We only pull apart when we need to breathe again. He presses himself against me when we start kissing again, and I instantly wish he hadn't. I get a little too aroused for my own good, and this time, Riku notices.

"Jesus, Sora, calm _down_." He says, laughing uncomfortably. I blush and laugh as well as he gets off me and subtly begins moving to the other end of the couch.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, over and over. "I'm so sorry." He shrugs, but doesn't look at me when he replies.

"Don't sweat it. I mean, that's what's supposed to happen." He grins, now looking at me, and adds. "A part of you is actually kind of normal."

"Very funny." He starts to say something, but I cut him off and blurt out something stupid: "Hey, are we ever going to sleep together?"

"We do every night…" He replies smoothly, but he and I both know he's not that dumb. He isn't dumb at all. "I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Eventually."

"Eventually…" I repeat. Then something occurs to me, something I never even considered before. "That kind of stuff… it doesn't _bother _you, does it?"

"No!! Of course not. And it… obviously doesn't bother you."

I laugh. "Yeah."

He shrugs and sighs. "I just don't really feel like it. I might not for a while. I can't tell." We fall quiet. "…Is that alright with you?" He asks suddenly, carefully.

"Fine!" I exclaim, too quickly and too loudly. "I'm not in any hurry or anything! Take your time! I'm not even really ready myself, I'm just saying…"

"I know." He says calmly, shutting me up. "I know." I move over next to him and lay my head on his chest. He puts an arm around my shoulder.

Soon, Dad arrives home from work; his last day before _his _well-deserved break. He greets us quickly before doing some last minute house-cleaning. All things considered, he seems pretty calm.

"You nervous?" Riku asks out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

"You're seeing a lot of family you haven't in a while."

I shrug. "Actually," I joke. "I think all the pressure's on you. You want to make a good impression on _everyone _in my family, don't you?"

"…I hate you."

I just laugh and lean over to kiss him. He pulls away rather quickly, and explains, "I want to make sure you wouldn't get overexcited again."

"I hate you!"

He laughs.

--

"Hey," I ask Riku as the doorbell rings. _Someone _got here awfully early. "What should we do about… you know… us?" Dad yells from the other room for someone else to get the door for him. He's in the middle of vacuuming for the twelfth time today.

"Whatever you want." Riku answers, quickly. I'm approaching the door so I answer quickly as well, and I'm talking so fast I wonder if he understands me. I just want to finish this conversation; it's kind of important.

"Let's not hide it or anything, but not make a big deal or anything, alright? I don't want to hide, I'm not ashamed, I really, really, lo--" I reach the door and fiddle with the locks before being able to open it.

It's Taylor and Andrew. "Hi!" I say, a little _too _enthusiastically. I'm kind of glad that the first people here are people I know.

Just then, a horrifying thought occurs to me: Is Mom coming? Dad _wouldn't _do that to me. At least, not without telling me. God, Sora, calm down. Dad wouldn't…

"Um, come in," I add, snapping out of my thoughts. In the time it took me to get into a panic over nothing, Dad's rushed over, all but ushering my aunt and uncle in. They're all talking (Dad and Taylor more so than Andrew) and laughing, and Dad's showing them over to the table where, at some point, he laid out food and drinks. "Dad," I keep saying over and over, knowing and not really caring that I'm interrupting them. "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…"

"_What_??" He asks, more harshly than I thought he would.

"…Can I ask you something?" He glances over at Taylor and she suppresses a laugh.

"Sure. What is it?"

"…In the other room?" Now Dad looks a little troubled and we both leave. No clue where Riku is through all of this, unsurprisingly.

"What's wrong?" He asks. I didn't mean to worry him.

"Was Mom invited, by any chance…?"

"Everyone in the family was invited." He says, quietly. "Even your mom." Crap. Crapcrapcrap.

"Is she coming?"

He shakes his head. "She said she couldn't make it." I feel relieved and terrible at the same time. I almost want to cry. I'm glad she's not here to ruin this, but she's all alone during the holidays… I'll call her tonight. It's the least I can do.

Plus, I assure myself, she still has plenty of friends, and she's probably still together with her sleazy boyfriend. If not, she has a new sleazy boyfriend. She's not alone. The doorbell rings again, and this time Dad answers it. It's Sandy.

"Sorry I'm so late," She says first thing, in her soft, quiet voice.

"You're not late!" Dad exclaims. "You're right on time. No one else is here yet."

"What do you mean 'no one'?" Taylor shouts from the other room.

"Oh, Sandy, this is…" And he's off, taking her by the hand into the next room, totally forgetting me.

Just as well.

Now… where's Riku? I head upstairs to our room, half-expecting him to be there. He's not. I search around a little before finally locating him out on the balcony. I always forget we have one. I don't know how; it's Riku's favorite place in the whole house. He can go out there and do homework, or some other work he never lets me see, or even just stare out at the yard. I don't know how he does it. I'd get bored after about thirty seconds. But… he manages not to. He stays out for hours and hours.

"Hey," I whisper, quietly closing the sliding glass door behind me.

"Hey." He replies after a few seconds. I walk out next to him and sit down, leaning over to kiss him. He wraps his arms around me and returns the affection, but then goes back to watching whatever it is he's watching. "It's pretty out tonight." I hum, signaling I've heard him. "The stars are just coming out."

"I never figured you for one of those guys who likes going out and looking at stars." He just shrugs in response. "Do you write poems about them, too?" I gently tease. He doesn't laugh. He just shakes his head in a way that almost says, 'you twat.' I'm about to apologize when he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. He kisses my cheek and rests his head on my shoulder. He's wearing a light, fuzzy sweater that he got not too long ago. It's soft and it even keeps me warm as he holds me.

Now I can see how _I'd _be able to spend hours out here.

Still, I don't know how Riku manages to.

I can see a light in the distance, and at first I have no clue what it is. Then I finally realize it's a car, and it looks like it's heading toward the house. "C'mon," I say, pulling on Riku's arm. "I think more people are here." He gets up with me and we head back downstairs together, right as Dad is opening the front door. I can hear unfamiliar voices, but I can't get to where I can see who they are just yet. Once we start approaching Dad, he grabs my sleeve and yanks me over.

"Hey, Sora, these are your grandparents. My parents," He explains quickly. Wow, all the housework must have really taken its toll on him. He looks like hell. Now he's talking to them: "…And this is Riku. He's been staying with us for quite some time now." Dad shoots a quick smile at Riku, which is promptly ignored. Typical of both of them.

"Sora!" My grandmother exclaims. "It's been so long! Look how you've grown." This whole thing feels so incredibly off. It's not even funny. I really do enjoy it, but… gaah, I never really realized how _long _I've been separated from my family until now, and it's like someone's just walked up and punched me in the stomach.

"Um, thanks." I think. She's babbling at me so fast I can hardly catch what she's saying. It isn't until my Granddad starts talking that she calms down for a bit.

Now more and more people are coming. Two more aunts and another uncle, some (kinda hot) cousins, unfortunately much older than me, another set of Grandparents, a great-grandparent.

Wait… that makes no sense. W_hy _would my Mom's parents come? Mom won't be here…

As Dad calls everyone in for dinner, I try to relocate Riku. Damn, he can really disappear when he wants to. But when I finally make my way into the kitchen, Riku's there. I think he must have been helping Dad with dinner or something. The two of us sit next to each other with Dad on my other side. Everyone seems so natural and happy. Riku seems a little… subdued, though. Even more than usual. I rest my hand down by his knee and he jumps at the contact. He still turns around and smiles, though.

"So, Sora," My grandmother--father's side, I think-- asks me. Great. Now the attention is all on me. "_How _long have you been here, exactly?"

"Um," I look over at Riku, but he doesn't help. "About four months, right?" He shrugs. "Yeah, four months."

"How exciting." She replies with a smile. Now _I _shrug.

"It beats being on the streets." I say, finally. I laugh a little but no one joins in. Wow, tough crowd. Dad looks a little uncomfortable.

"Yes, yes." She says. "Mike never _did _give too many _details in his letters._" Dad laughs nervously.

"I know I told you about what happened…"

I shake my head and, for what feels like the millionth time, tell my story, going over the highlights.

"I got to the point where…" I want to say that Mom was making me miserable, but I just can't do that in front of her parents. I couldn't do it in front of Sandy, either. I don't know why it bothers me. "…where… I was just so miserable I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away, and that's when I met Riku. He saved me after a bunch of guys tried to kill me. After that…" I shrug. "We just… survived until we finally found Dad." There's a short silence.

Taylor snorts back a laugh. "Leave it to Mike. No one ever gets the full story when he's the one telling it." Now everyone's laughing and the mood's light once again. Everyone's talking over each other, and I can vaguely hear my other aunt, Sherry, asking someone to pass the butter.

"Hey, having fun?" Dad asks me, then Riku. We both nod yes and I ask if _he's _having fun. "Now that there are no more jokes at my expense… yeah!" He replies with a grin.

My grandmother on my Mom's side asks something that I can't quite hear. Something about "my friend, Riku,"

And, in the background, "Hello? Will someone pass the butter?"

"…Um, actually," I correct her, purposely a little loud. I want everyone to hear. "He's not really just my friend. We've been dating for around three months now. We're boyfriends." Absolute silence.  
Damn. I didn't mean to be _that _loud.

Sherry says, quickly, to Riku, "You hurt him, you die." She adds, to nobody in particular, "Will someone _please _pass the freaking butter?"

Now Grandma (Dad's side) is bombarding me with questions about Riku, all the while Grandpa (also Dad's side) is bombarding poor _Riku _with questions.

"Do you treat him well?" Is one of the more stupid questions. Even if Riku didn't treat me well… (which he does, thankyouverymuch) why would he be so stupid to say it? 'I treat him like shit, sir.'

Weird.

"Yeah." Is all Riku says, shooting a glance at me. I nod, almost approvingly.

"Play any sports?" _Where'd that come from?!_

The question takes Riku off guard, too. He gives a real, honest answer, and I finally notice that he's been doing some fake "perfect, quiet, nothing-wrong-here" routine he does sometimes at school. "Um, I'm pretty good, but I haven't joined any teams or anything…"

"Pretty good at what?" Riku shrugs again, still hesitant but no so much anymore. "Football? Soccer? Track? Frisbee? Hockey?"

"All of it. Well, Frisbee not so much. And hockey…? God, I haven't played _that_ since…" His eyes indicate he's far away for a brief moment, but he's back when Grandpa laughs. It's a sharp, loud noise.

"You're a smart boy. I'm not a hockey fan. Have you seen the players, with their teeth all knocked out?" (I think he's a dentist, so the comment makes sense coming from him.) Riku laughs politely--maybe genuinely, I don't know-- and, just like that, he's in. He's talking to Taylor and Andrew, to Sherry, and my other aunt, Claire, her husband Fadell. He makes them laugh and smile. He's gently sarcastic and just… charming. I've never seen him quite like this before. He fits in. He truly does. And, hey, I do too.

I couldn't be happier.

"Sounds like school's going well, Sora," Sandy says, probably just because no one else is talking to me at the moment.

"Yup." I reply. "Did Dad tell you about my report card?"

"No, he didn't."

"All A's. Almost. I got a B, too."

She smiles politely. "That's great, Sora."

Then I realize something.

I shouldn't be telling Sandy about this. I mean, it's fine, but… I should call Mom. I slowly stand up and stumble away from the table.

"Sora?" Dad asks.

"Excuse me." I reply. "Sorry. I'll be back soon."

I walk over to the phone--not the nearest one, I really want to be away from everyone at the moment-- and dial her number. I don't even have to think about it; I still have it memorized.

It rings once.

Twice.

Three times.

Four.

Five.

I'm about to hang up when I hear her voice on the other end.

"…'Ello?" Just from that one word, she sounds a bit buzzed.

"Hi, Mom. It's Sora."

"Sora…?" Yeah, she's definitely been drinking.

"Correct." I try to laugh at my stupid little reply, but it sounds really forced and pathetic. "So… how are you?"

"Sora, where are you?" Oh, boy.

"I'm with Dad, remember?"

"I _know _that."

Erm…Ooookay.

"Well, I just wanted to call because it's the holidays and all… I hope you're doing well."

She's slow to respond. Even when she does, all she says is, "Okay."

"Is someone there with you…?" I don't trust her drunk and alone. She'll kill herself in some really stupid way.

"Yeah, yeah." She sounds really annoyed and I can't figure out why. She's usually a lot better at holding her liquor… I mean, she's always a little temperamental, but she's just plain _weird _tonight. "…School? How's school…?" Maybe she's not drunk. Maybe she's just tired.

Yeah. I wish.

"School's good. It's part of what I wanted to call you about. My first term report card is really good…"

"Good." She responds. She sounds _awful_.

"Well, I guess I'm going now, okay Mom?" I don't wait for her to reply. "Will you call me when you're not so drunk?"

"Yeah."

"Great." Well, I think 'great' is an overstatement. "Then I'll talk to you later? Maybe tomorrow?" Again, I don't wait for an answer. "Take care of yourself, alright? Goodbye." And, hesitantly, I add, "I love you." But she's already hung up.

Man, we're sad. (And I had to live with that for fourteen years…) I'm just glad it's all behind me. I never want to be around heavy drinkers again.

I join everyone again, but by that time, we're all pretty much finishing up. Riku excuses him self a bit after one of my cousins does. And, of course, where Riku goes I follow.

Just before I head upstairs, Claire and Fadell pull me aside, just to tell me how nice Riku is. How happy they are for both of us. I thank him and quickly leave.

I don't want to get emotional… how embarrassing!

Riku seems a bit bummed as we're getting ready for bed.

"You okay?" I ask him. He doesn't reply right away.

"Yeah." Is all he offers. He sounds really thoughtful. I'm dying to know what's on his mind.

"You sure?"

"Yeah." He says it a little firmer this time. Better not press my luck.

I change the subject, planning on asking him again later.

"So, my family really likes you." I tell him with a grin. He doesn't look so happy.

Ah, so that's what's troubling him.

"I guess so…"

"Riku," I start pressing for answers now that I have the chance. I let my voice go all soft. "Tell me what's wrong. I know it's got something to do with dinner. No one was rude to you, were they?" I know that's total bull. They love him like they love me.

He just shrugs, pulling down the covers a bit and sitting on the bed, legs covered by the sheets. "The holidays are hard." He finally admits. "I don't know why. I just get depressed. Always have. All that family stuff, I guess."

I smile. "What, too much family?" He doesn't return the look.

"No family." He replies, and I can't believe it.

"Are you serious? Come _on_!"

"Of course I'm serious." He's a bit mad now, and I'm afraid I'm just getting him worked up. But when he talks again, he sounds considerably calmer. "Aside from my aunt, none of my family really celebrated anything. I was usually just between foster homes during holidays… and my relationship with the rest of my family was strained, anyway. No one really liked each other. And now…"

"And now you're a part of my family." I interrupt. "Seriously, Riku. When are we going to get this through your head? We're your family. You belong here." He just stares down at his feet. "If it helps any… this is new to me, too. I've never had this before." He shrugs nonchalantly, as if he were never upset in the first place, before sliding down and turning over.

"I'll think about it." He says, reaching over and turning off the lamp.

--

When we wake up the next day, it's as though last night never happened. Riku seems to be his slightly-more-upbeat-than-before self. When we head downstairs, Dad flocks toward Riku and they start talking about something. I take this time to go to the kitchen to make something for breakfast. I'm starving. One of my cousins is there, too-- the good-looking one: Cloud. I try to play smooth and collected, but… well, either I'm REALLY not subtle, or I'm REALLY creepy, because this is the reply I get:

"Sora. You're taken, I'm taken, I'm probably ten years older than you, and we're related. Not going to happen."

Damn. To my complete disdain, I turn bright red. I'm so thankful when my toast pops out of the toaster that I can't even believe it. I take it and flee to the next room, back with Riku and Dad.

Well, I'm not doing _that _again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

--

I hang around my aunts, and my great-grandfather, for most of the morning. Whenever Cloud comes around I do my best not to act like I feel awkward around him. I think it's working, because after an hour or so I'm not even _acting_ like I don't feel awkward. I just… don't. I guess I just have other things to focus on: Riku's being weird, I'm catching up with family, and I'm waiting by the phone in case Mom calls. I don't want to get yelled at for not magically knowing that she's called/going to call/calling.

I catch Riku sneaking into the kitchen once everyone else is talking in the TV room. I slip away from everyone so I can talk to him.

"Hey," I say, carefully. He doesn't really reply, he just makes an acknowledging sound. "How're you doing?" He shrugs. "You seem upset over something."

"No," he replies, shaking his head. "It's not like that. I just woke up feeling strange."

"Are you sick…?"

"I don't know. Maybe." I walk up closer to him and stand on my toes. I press my lips to his forehead and kiss him. (He doesn't seem warm.)

"Feel better, okay?" I tell him, just because I'm concerned. I know he's not sick.

"Yeah."

He is really _not _himself. I'm about to speak when the phone rings.

I rush toward it (earning some strange looks) and pick it up, nearly dropping it several times before I can answer.

"Hello?"

"Hi!" It's Kairi. "What's up?"

"I'm kind of waiting for a call… could I call you later?"

"Fine!" She replies, but she says it kind of sharply. Maybe she's having a bad day or something. She hangs up.

I take one step away from the phone before it rings again. I pick it up, more calmly this time.

"Hello?"

"Sora?" This time it's Mom. She sounds sober for once, if not a little hungover.

"This is he. Mom? How are you?"

"Don't even ask." She snaps.

"Sorry." I am not going to allow her to pick a fight with me. But, damn, I can't think of anything else to ask. "What's up?" What the hell? That's not something you ask your estranged mother!

She snorts. "Nothing's 'up'. Why did you call me last night?"

I shrug, even though I know she can't see. "I've just been thinking about you lately and decided to call. I don't want you to get cut out of my life." Because I am a glutton for pain. "And I just kind of wanted to let you know that things are good around here. I'm happy, I'm doing well in school. I'm in a good relationship." That may or may not be going downhill.

I'm afraid that Mom's going to say something snarky about Riku but instead she says, "Well, I'm glad _someone's _doing well then."

"Um… yeah." I cough. "So, are you seeing anybody?" I reeeeally don't want to know any details about her love life, but it's a good question, right? It shows I care, right?

"I'm still with Cameron." Damn it. Glad I left.

"That's good." I tell her, instead. "He's…" a loser. An idiot. A pain in my ass. "really nice."

"Hm." Okay, before we get mad at each other, I should probably hang up. Leave on a light note.

"Hey Mom, I love you… and take care. I've really got to go now."

"Fine!" And she hangs up.

That's the second angry woman to hang up on me in a course of ten minutes.

I need some air. Some time alone. Of course, the kitchen, family room, living room, and TV room are all in use, and Riku's probably on the balcony so I slip outside. The yard really _is _nice. Big, green, lots of trees. It would be the perfect yard for one of those playgrounds with the slides and swings and monkey bars; too bad I'm not younger. I hate growing up.

While I walk around, looking for a good place to sit, I find Cloud again.

"I'm not stalking you, I swear." I try and joke, but end up sounding creepy again. He offers a small smile to humor me. I really appreciate it.

"You look like hell." He states, very matter-of-factly.

"I just got off the phone. My mom," I explain, pretending to shoot myself. This earns me another small smile. "I wish we got along better, you know? But on the other hand, if we did get along… I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't have Riku and he means everything to me." He listens patiently as I babble on about my love life. "I mean, he's amazing. He's smart and funny and good-looking…" Understatement of the year. "I never thought I could love somebody so much." After I finally finish rambling, all Cloud says is:

"Right. But why are you telling _me _this?"

"…Huh?" I just poured my guts and that's your reply, you cold-hearted bastard?!

"Why aren't you telling _him?_"

…OHHHH.

"You mean Riku…? Why don't I tell…?" He nods slowly. How did he even notice that I hadn't said anything like that to Riku? Is it like there's some wall between my boyfriend and I, that everyone can see but us?

"Because I'm afraid." I reply. It feels good to say it, to have it out. Suddenly I'm paranoid that Riku can hear us from the balcony, but there's no way. I don't even see him up there. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. That he'll freak out…" suddenly I'm grappling for the right words. That's a word Riku taught me: grapple. "That he'll run out on me… he can be so distant and jaded…"

"How do you know he'll run off?"

"I don't." I say simply. Damn it, why can't I trust my own boyfriend? "Why are you helping me, anyway?" I really am curious. He doesn't seem like the do-gooder, "help me help you" type to me.

"Maybe because we're family." He replies. "Maybe because I was in his position once." Wait. What does he mean by that? He was in Riku's position? "You'll learn to have faith in him." I want to ask him a thousand more questions, but Aunt Sherry comes out and starts telling us something that I'm not paying attention to. As she and Cloud head inside, I say:

"Cloud?" He glances back at me. "I hope you two are happy now." That smile again.

"We are."

--

I take Cloud's advice to heart and quickly head upstairs to see Riku. When I open the door, I'm surprised to see that Riku's not out on the balcony. Instead, he's sitting at our desk, concentrating hard on something. He's writing or drawing, or something like that. I walk up to him, trying to be quiet so I won't disturb him. He's definitely writing but I'm just not close enough to see exactly what it is. Damn it, I wanna _see_…

"Whatcha doing, Riku?"

He jumps and nearly hits the ceiling.

"Don't do that." He says. I apologize, then ask what he's doing again.

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like 'nothing'!" I reach to grab his paper, trying to be playful, but he smacks my hand away.

"Don't do that." He repeats.

"Sorry." I mutter. "I shouldn't've." He just shrugs. I notice he has a notebook next to his paper on the desk. It's kind of familiar. I think about it for a moment before realizing that's the one I saw him holding in the home. "Hey, Riku… what's that?" I gently put my hand on the cover, but I don't try to open it. It still earns me a smack on the hand. Retreating, I put my hands in my pockets.

"It's just a notebook, Sora. I got it for a class I was taking once, and ended up using it for other stuff."

"Like…?" I press.

"Look, I just write sometimes when I get bored. It's not a big deal. I haven't actually written anything in a long time." He shrugs.

"Why'd you stop? Is it because you ran away?"

"Once a bunch of jerks at school got a hold of it and started reading them out loud. In stupid voices, mockingly… you know. Stupid, immature things like that. But… it bugged me, and I haven't done it since."

Sometimes I want to go to Darry and just _kill_ those losers.

"That's _terrible_." I say.

He just shrugs again. "I don't care. It was just a stupid hobby… I only did it because I had nothing better to do." He smiles a little, obviously trying to make me feel better. "I wasn't even that good at it." I seriously doubt that. I want to ask him about the particular page I saw, that one that said "He doesn't love me". I want to know who that was about. If he wrote it about me. God, I want to take him and assure him that it isn't true…

Get a hold of yourself, Sora! He said he hasn't written in forever, so it was probably just part of a poem or story or something like that. I'll ask him later. And if it is about me…

I'm going to tell him exactly how wrong that is. God, Riku… if only I had the balls to tell you how I feel.

Do you know already?

Do you feel the same?

God, Cloud. You didn't say how _hard _it would be! I wish that you were staying to help me, instead of leaving with Sherry, Taylor and Andrew tomorrow.

I know I can do this. I just… don't think it's the right time yet.

--

My family's come and gone and school's starting up again in two days. I wish that I had spent more time with my grandparents, but Dad assures me that they'll be visiting us a lot. I hope that's true. Riku went out today, with some friends that I didn't even know he had. I guess that's good, that he's fitting in and has his own "group" now. But it's getting kind of late and I'm really worried.

Please come home, Riku. I'm so afraid you've run off. By eleven, I'm lying in bed, eyes closed, trying to will him back. I think I hear the front door shut. I'm not sure if it's Dad or Riku or if it's just my imagination.

No… that's definitely _not _my imagination. I can hear someone coming up the stairs. It kind of sounds like they're stumbling a bit.

Wait… what if it's a burglar or something?! Hold on, no. That would be stupid. Who would burglar a house at eleven at night, that has all the lights on and a car in the driveway?

Riku's voice snaps me out of my stupid thoughts. "Hey Sora," He says. His words are a bit slurred. I wonder if he's just tired…? He staggers over and falls on the bed. Okay, something's up. This isn't good. This isn't good at all.

"Have fun?" I ask. He nods and crawls over. Without any warning, he grabs me and kisses me.

Here's the problem: he tastes like beer. Smells like it, too.

…This isn't good.

Then the impact of the situation finally hits me for real.

…OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD. Okay, okay. It's time to calm down. Let's look at the best case scenario: Riku just ate beer flavored gum and is wearing beer-scented cologne and is staggering around and such because it's late and he is very tired.

An almost realistic scenario: Riku went to a party and had a little too much punch, which ended up being spiked.

The worst-case scenario: Riku's an alcoholic and has been hiding it from me since the day we met.

Probability of any of those? Slim.

I push him off of me, and he nearly falls right off the bed.

"Riku?" I ask. "What have you been doing all night?"

"That's not important." He says, getting ready to kiss me again. I dodge.

"Yes, it is, Riku. It's really important."

"…I feel sick…" He murmurs, suddenly. He gets up and stumbles to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

So, for the rest of the night… I guess I'll just take care of him. Make sure he gets to bed, and be ready to help out when he wakes up with a killer hangover tomorrow.

What happened tonight doesn't matter. I can ask questions later.

--

Okay, sorry this chapter took so long to get out. But it's 21 pages! That's like a record for me! Almost 10,000 words! And it took me the same time it would usually take for me to write half this much. Make sense? No? Alright.

Anyway, about the actual story. Whew! A lot happened. Riku and Sora get together, Riku comes home drunk (!). Haha, wow, what a shocker.

I was close to splitting this chapter in two. And about that letter… I'm NOT reintroducing Raye into the story. I just wanted to tie the loose ends, and give Sora reason to talk to Riku again. I know a lot of you don't like him (why? XD), so, don't worry. He's not a major character and he's not coming between Riku and Sora.

Also, I wanted to add in some FF characters. Cloud as a cousin was a no-brainer, but I don't know how I'll work in every one else… (without them working for the school or something. I want to be at least sort of creative. Yes, I know I'm failing.)

Don't forget to drop by that forum if sharing prompts interests you. Link's in my profile. :D

Comments? Crits? You know what to do


	20. Riku: Meds

Note: Can you tell I was in the Halloween "spirit" here? XD Though of course my timing's off… but I just wanted to sum up the little holidays that I skipped over last chapter. Riku's narration here seems a bit… off? And I can't tell why… Sorry I'm kind of traveling through time so fast. But my timeline is really specific and I have to be speedy if I want to finish this fic sometime before I die. :p Sorry it took me all this time to produce this lousy chapter.  
Chapter 21's coming tomorrow, folks! D

_Home  
Chapter 20  
(Riku's POV)_

I feel like my head was just run over by a car. I want to throw up, but I don't really feel like putting in the effort it takes to get up and walk to the bathroom.

Someone, please, kill me now.

I guess it is a little better when Sora comes in, carrying an enormous water bottle under his arm, a bowl resting on his palm, and a small bottle of something clasped in his other hand.

"Hey," He greets me quietly, gently setting everything down on the table next to me. "Dad went down to the store, and I asked him to pick up some stuff I thought would help you."

Oh, shit.

"…Did you tell…?"

"No." He says with a shrug. "I didn't say anything." I thank him, but my face is in the pillow. It comes out muffled and meaningless. "Anyway… I got you some aspirin. Take that and drink lots of water, okay?" I mindlessly nod and gladly take the aspirin. The pain's positively unbearable. Sora plays with the end of his sleeve before reaching over and brushing some loose strands of hair behind my ear, as he always does. "And I got you something to eat, too." I groan. God, Sora. Please don't mention food… "It's almost eleven. You should probably get something in your stomach. It's just Mac and Cheese, so… it's really light…"He gets me into a comfortable sitting position like he's done this one thousand times before. I've never seen him so… natural.

Ugh, I don't know. Wasn't his mom a huge drunk or something? Nathan used to lock himself in his room when he was hungover… When I'd try to help he'd lock his door, when I'd knock he'd throw things…

It hurts to think. I close my eyes, wanting to go back to sleep, but Sora keeps nagging me to eat. "Makes you feel better." He insists. I don't feel angry or annoyed as he pushes the warm bowl into my hands. Hesitantly, I begin to eat.

One bite's enough-- I'm up so fast to get to the bathroom I get dizzy. At least I make it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach in the toilet and not on the floor. I slowly make my way back to the bed. Sora's still there with that fucking blue bowl. "You alright?" He asks.

"Fine." I reply. My throat feels raw and dry. Barely any sound comes out. He pulls me close and I rest my head on his shoulder. I'm finally comfortable. I don't want to move. Ever. He strokes my hair: something he hasn't done in a very long time.

"Want to try again?" He asks.

"Hm?"

"Want to try to finish your breakfast?" No. I never want to eat again. But I don't say it out loud, so he grabs the bowl and sets it in my lap. Even if I had said no, he would have done the same. It's easier to stomach the second time around, and I am feeling a little better two more aspirins and a giant gulp of water later. I lay back down, and Sora remains by my side.

This certainly isn't the reaction I was expecting from him. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know what I was thinking.

But the drinking felt good at the time... I like not having to care. If it weren't for the fact that I feel like shit afterward, I'd have started doing it sooner.

I contemplate it as I slowly drift into a deep, deep sleep.

-

I wake up sometime in the late afternoon, feeling much better. Sora isn't the calm little saint that he was a few hours ago.

"What's _wrong _with you?" He asks me. All I did was say hi… it's not normal for him to come out on the balcony like this.

"…What?"

"No, really. What the _hell_is your problem?"

"I'm not following…"

I haven't seen him this mad since he found that knife in my duffel bag when we were still out on the streets. "Are you even thinking at all? Coming home _drunk_ in the middle of the fucking _night_?" I completely tense up. I'm just slightly freaked out, having never heard him talk like this before. "I was _worried _about you…" I don't reply. Instead, I take him by the wrist and pull him by me. He sits down next to me, arms crossed, staring in the other direction. "Tell me it won't happen again, Riku." He pleads. "Tell me."

I bury my head in the back of his neck, put my arms around him, pull him closer to me. "It won't happen again."

But it's not the complete truth. I want to go out and get drunk, and come back in the middle of the fucking night--as Sora put it-- and never have to care again.

I just don't know if I really will or not.

By the time I come downstairs, dinner's already been made.

Have I seriously been "out" for that long? As I sit down at the table, Mr. Hart asks if I'm feeling alright. For some reason, I can't look him in the eye when I tell him I've just been feeling a little under the weather.

What's wrong with me?

-

I excuse myself from dinner early. I don't exactly know why, but I felt so horribly uncomfortable I just couldn't stand it.

I just want to sleep. I still feel sick. Slowly, I stagger over to the desk by the balcony I always write at. I pick up my pen and… nothing comes to me. I try to just start writing, but it's all nonsense.

And… it doesn't bother me. I don't care. I honestly don't care if I ever write again.

I just need to sleep. It's all I feel like doing.

I wake up when the first rays of sunlight hit my eyes, at 6 in the morning. Sora must have crawled into bed right next to me at some point in the night, sleeping on his stomach, head rested in folded arms. He looks so tan, his hair so dark, against the creamy sheets… he's amazing, but for some reason, I just want him to go away. I don't know what's up with me. Everything was so perfect and now…

I guess I'm just going through one of those fazes, and it'll pass soon enough. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's always just been my head.

That sounds good.

I close my eyes and shift around just enough to find a cool spot on my pillow. Four days. Four days until school starts up again. Start of the new year tomorrow, but we don't have plans. I'll probably just sneak in here around eleven and let Sora celebrate with his Dad. It's not like they actually spend any time together without me there to intrude on their little father-son stuff.

Gah, the holidays suck.

_-_

When I wake up this morning, I head right downstairs. I've been sleeping too much lately… it's a restless sleep, too, so even when I do get that rare eight-hour sleep I still feel as though I've been up all night long. Mr. Hart's up as well. He usually is.

I head over to the couch and lay down. I don't know why I'm so tired all the time. I'm sore, too. All around my back and shoulders…but that's not very unusual, I guess. Four months off the streets and I'm still sore from having to carry my entire world on my back. Even physical therapy didn't do much…

Mr. Hart's all over the place. Getting coffee, going through cupboards in the kitchen, eating, reading. His presence doesn't bother me at all any more. I'm past the point where I find him intimidating in any way. Past the point where I need to make that good impression…

"Riku," He asks me, taking a seat next to me on the couch, hand on my shoulder-- and his voice is so gentle I'm wondering what he's going to say. "Are you on drugs?"

…but that doesn't mean he doesn't still shock the hell out of me sometimes.

"What?" I sputter. "I… no!!"

"If you were, would you tell me?"

"_No!_"

How could he…he…I… _what_? Where the hell did any of this even come from? I guess I look pretty confused because he goes ahead and starts explaining himself. "You've been so withdrawn lately. Staying out late…"

"Once."

"…and sleeping a lot, as well. I was just wondering." He looks at me, and drops me an obvious hint. "Or if you're not feeling well?"

"I'm fine." I assure him. "Really… I've just been feeling a little…"

"Do you want to see a doctor?"

I shiver despite myself.

"I don't know. It's not that bad, really…"

He shakes his head, puts his hand over mine. "I really think you should. You don't sleep." It fucking creeps me out that he knows this.

"What…?"

He puts his hand up, stopping me from saying any more. "Because I'm a light sleeper, too, and whenever you get up and go downstairs it wakes me up."

"I'm sorry."

He grins. "Don't be. I should take my sleeping pills… Sandy even bugs me about it all the time and I still don't." I've heard her before, scolding Mr. Hart because he always complains about not sleeping but never takes his pills. She's a nurse, and really motherly on top of it. She's a bit uptight about that stuff. His expression softens once again, and he squeezes my hand. "You're sure you're all right?"

No. "Yes." He reaches over and strokes my cheek once, and it freaks me out. I don't know why I'm so hypersensitive today.

"I think I might make an appointment for you anyway if this continues. Fair?"

"…Sure." I can't take my eyes off of his hand. I want him to stop touching me. I try to be subtle when I shake him off, but I'm either too subtle or he's being stubborn. He's got his hand on my shoulder now. I close my eyes to tune out the touch. It isn't until he puts his hand on my knee and squeeze it that I really lose myself. "Get your hands off me!" I shout, rapidly drawing back. "_Don't touch me_. If you're trying to fuck with me then forget it! I…" I finish weakly, "I give…"

"Riku--?" He sounds shocked if nothing else, and I take this opportunity to leave. I automatically head to the beach, not caring that I left a stunned Mr. Hart behind me.

I know I'm going to have to answer some questions when I get back. I don't know what happened back there. I don't know why I freaked out. I've been so jittery for the past few days. That's part of the reason it was so nice to just go out and drink and forget about all this shit that's always up with me. I close my eyes and lay back. God, what's Mr. Hart going to say when I get back?

I _should _just get back. Get this all over with. So I get back up to my feet and slowly walk right back to this house. Once I get to the front door, I stand still. I wonder if I can wait here forever?

Man. Look at me…I'm ashamed. I keep making one mistake after another. I'm preparing myself to knock on the door and come in and just… expect the worst. But before my fist even makes contact with the door, it swings open.

"Riku!" Sora says. "I was just coming out to look for you."

"Oh. I…" I fumble with my words, just trying to come up with any sort of excuse, any explanation but before I do, he's pulling me inside, telling me that he finally made his dad bake some of those cookies that had been craving for so long, that I should get some while they're still hot and gooey…

Mr. Hart shoots me a look as I walk in, but it isn't an angry look. I'm not at all surprised when he pulls me aside to talk to me.

"You're not okay." He says with such a casual air that it's comforting and scary in equal amounts.

"I know." I can't believe I find myself agreeing with him, even though I know he's right.

"So… what's wrong, then?"

"I don't know." I shove my hands in my pockets and stare at the ground. "I really don't know."

"You think you're just coming down with something?"

I shake my head, sick of using that old excuse, sick of lying. "No. I just… go through these weird fazes. It's nothing."

"Fazes like what?" He asks. He reaches out to put his hand on my shoulder, but wisely stops himself.

"I.. It's just…" It's something I've never put into words before, and I don't really want to attempt it. "I go through periods where I feel fine, and then it just comes crashing down. Then it's fine again." Mr. Hart crosses his arms and scowls, staring down at the ground. "Look, it's not a big deal."

"You should see someone about that." He says anyway.

"It's alright, really. I'm used to it."

"Wouldn't you rather get used to feeling 'fine' all of the time?" He asks gently, and that totally throws me off.

"I guess so." I reply before even realizing I've said it. This makes Mr. Hart happy. He's glad to help. All he wants is to help.

"Then let's get you do see a doctor. See if there's anything that can be done about this."

"Okay."

He smiles again as he starts back to the kitchen, but before he totally vanishes from sight he says, "It'll be a whole new you, right?" At first I don't even realize he's talking to me.

A whole New me for a whole New life in a whole New year.

It doesn't sound too bad, really. Not too bad at all.

The New year is steadily approaching. It's a matter of hours.

I'm actually looking forward to it.

--

Around eight, Sora comes into the living room wielding cider. Without even acknowledging my existence, he's buzzing around every room in the house, bringing out food, drinks, and anything on the entire planet that is capable of making any noise.

"Why do you need all of that?" I ask him, once all the watching gets old.

"For the party." …party? "Uh, didn't I tell you?"

"No, you didn't." I reply, much more harshly than intended. He looks really hurt. "No, it's okay… It's fine, really." He takes a seat right next to me on the couch and I pat my leg once, signaling him to sit on my lap. And he does.

"I'm sorry." He murmurs, pressing his forehead against mine. "I totally forgot, I--"

"I don't care. It's no big deal." I mutter in response, burying my face in his chest. I take a deep breath in--I almost can't help it. He smells really good, but I don't know why. He's not really the type to wear cologne or anything.

"I changed soaps." He says, suddenly. I swear to God he's psychic. "Like it?"

"Yeah." I gently push him off of me and toy absently with a lock of his hair. "Who's coming?" Sora lays back, throwing his legs over mine.

"Kairi, Selphie… Tidus, Wakka, and some of my classmates and their siblings."

"What, you invite the whole school?" He grins and shrugs sheepishly. Then, he looks guilty again.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Then you could have invited _your_ friends." I mentally snort. Sora… meeting my 'friends'? Yeah, right. I'm sure _that_would go over real well.

"I told you, it's fine."

"I just feel so bad…"

"Don't."

"But, I…"

"Don't." Oddly enough, this makes him smile again.

"Uh, hey… some guys from Dad's work are dropping over, too. Just… so you know."

"Should I go into 'make-a-good-impression-mode' again like a good little boy?" I ask with a smirk. This earns me a laugh, like I intended it to.

"Yeah," He replies. "I guess we both need to." He closes his eyes and rests his hands on the back of his head, arms folded. He does that a lot, especially when he's thinking about something. "So, how are we going to kill time for two hours before everyone arrives?"

I can't help but smirk again. "I can think of three good things." Sora glances over and his eyes meet mine. I just give him a "yeah, you know" look. He lunges over, pushing me down and climbing on top of me.

Well… I didn't expect him to be_that _enthusiastic. I can't keep forgetting that he takes every little innuendo seriously. Nevertheless, I wrap my arms around him and kiss back. He's the first to deepen the kiss, as usual, opening his mouth and licking my lips. I go along with him for a while, but I can't get my mind to stop wandering.

"Um…" He starts, pulling away and sitting up, still on top of me. _Damn, _that feels… weird… "Riku, you're not kissing back."

"Oh, really?"

He chews his lip. Agh, I hate when he does that. "Yeah… you alright?"

"I am." It's the truth, but Sora isn't having it.

"Uh _huh_. You sure?" I push him off me and sit up.

"Yeah, I'm _sure_." And I make it plenty _obvious _that he's pissing me off.

…Except now he looks _hurt_again and I feel guilty, like it's my fault he's incredibly annoying, or something. So I lean back in for another kiss.

"You're so _weird_." He murmurs, returning the act. I open my mouth, shudder when his tongue slips in. He pulls away. "You close your eyes." He says, suddenly.

"Huh?"

"You close your eyes when you kiss."

"…Yeah, so…?" He smiles and kisses me once more.

"No reason."

"Just feeling observant?"

He smiles. "Yeah, I guess so…_God_, Riku, I…" He closes his eyes and bites his lip again. "I lost my train of thought." He sighs and squints. "…What was I going to say…?"

"So, when's everyone coming?" I ask, simply for the purpose of changing the subject. I don't need to hear Sora ramble on for three hours trying to remember what he was trying to tell me.

"A half hour." He replies, quickly. "Give or take… the guys from Dad's work will be here sooner, though."

"Hmm."

Suddenly, Sora's lips curl into a small smile. "Remember Halloween?" He asks. I can't help but smile as well.

Yeah, I remember Halloween.

It snuck up on us so fast we didn't plan to do anything that day. Which was fine enough. I'm too damn old to be dressing up. We all are.

But it didn't stop Selphie and Kairi to both come decked out in outrageous, slutty witch costumes, and it didn't stop most of the kids to come dressed similarly.

Morons.

When we got off the bus, we met up with Kairi and Selphie. I stood off to the side as they talked about costumes, and how they wished Sora would have dressed up.

"No problem!" Selphie said, pulling something from her bag: cat ears. "Which one of you is going to wear _these_?!"

"Not me." Sora said so quickly I wondered if it had been planned.

"Riku…?"

"Not me." I said, too late. "No." I insisted, even as Selphie's grin got bigger and bigger.

"Riku…!"

Too little. Too late.

Long story short, she got me in the cat ears. In a frighteningly similar way than when she got me to "dress up" for Sora's birthday, too. The minute I was out of her sight I would take the damn things off, but was still forced to put them back on at lunch.

We went to a Halloween festival that night. It was held in the streets; roads were closed down especially for the event. It's all a bit of a blur; the lights were so bright, the music so loud, people so unrecognizable. I kept losing Sora and Selphie and Kairi.

At exactly 12:01 AM, we headed up to a large platform. There, we were handed back some pumpkins the girls had carved earlier in the week.

"People usually come up here around midnight, 'cause it isn't Halloween anymore." She explained, shouting over the noise from the crowd. "And we just throw our pumpkins off the ledge."

"What if I accidentally throw it on someone?" Sora asked.

"The area's blocked off. Wouldn't happen." Kairi said-- or something similar. She lost her voice at some point during the night and was now impossible to hear.

"Ready?" Selphie shrieked. "One… two…three… GO!" And at that, we dropped our pumpkins. They landed on the ground with a _thump_, shattered into thousands of pieces.

Soon after, we got ready to leave. Sora was practically falling asleep on me.

"See you at school." Sora said as we went our separate ways.

"Bye." Kairi mumbled.

"Bye, Mister Kitty Ears." Selphie giggled, tugging at one of the ears she--yet again-- forced me to wear. "You can keep them, too, if you like."

"Oh, look, the bus is coming." I replied instead of killing the girl. "'Later."

Once we boarded the nearly empty bus, Sora rested his head on my shoulder.

"Have fun…?" He murmured.

"Mmm. You?"

He tiredly nodded.

"Hey… Riku?"

"What?"

"You know you're still wearing the cat ears, right?"

…_Damn._

And that's Halloween in a nutshell, I guess. And shortly after, Sora's family came to visit. Christmas-- Winter Solstice, Mr. Hart says, half-jokingly -- was nice and… understated, you could say. (Different names, same thing. Winter Holiday, family, presents, whatever.)

And now here we are… I shiver from the cold and zip up my jacket.

The doorbell rings. We both remain seated for a few seconds. I expect him to get up just as he expects me to get up. We stare at each other like fools until Sora gets up to answer the door. But Mr. Hart gets there before he does, and it's his friends from work anyway. Sora just shrugs and smiles, taking my hand in his and lacing our fingers together. At some point Mr. Hart comes in and introduces his friends and I nod vaguely, though I'm not really all here.

And I'm not all here when Sora's friends and classmates come.

And I'm not all here as I slowly head upstairs to our room as the clock gets closer and closer to striking twelve. I sit out on my balcony, even though the bitter cold is absolutely _ripping _through my body, even though I can hear everyone downstairs and know I _should _be there, I mean it's Sora's party and all, but…

I don't know. Too many people. Too much celebration. Not enough booze.

Or something like that.

I lean against the railing, my face pressed against the wooden bars, ready to doze off.

"Hey," For a moment I'm not sure if someone's really talking to me or if it's a product of the very beginning of a dream. Either way my head snaps up, ready to find the source of the voice: Sora. It's so dark it takes a moment for his image to swim into view. "It's almost midnight." He says, wrapping his arms around me. "Just three more minutes. Tired already?" He grins.

"No, I was just going to ask you the same thing…" My little joke isn't too convincing. I'm tired as hell and know I look it.

But downstairs we can hear everyone counting down already. Huh. Sora mouths along with them, the way he mouths along with his book as he does his homework.

"Five… four… three… two… one…" And right at one, Sora practically smashes his face against mine while kissing me.

But it's not a terrible way to start the new year.

Really not bad at all.

--

The start of a whole New me doesn't look too good. The doctor decides to try out some medications, to see if that'll work. And I actually think, 'hey, what the hell. Why not?'

The first medication makes me sick at night.

I'm up until 1AM, 3AM, 5AM. I sleep in all day, too hopeless, too weary to get out of bed.

I sleep through the entire first day back to school. Even though in the morning, Sora's shaking me, urging me to get up and get dressed.

"I'm tired too." He says, trying to sympathize with me but much too light-hearted to match my mood.

"I'll meet you there." I tell him, turning over. Sora's worried, I know. He hesitates, unsure if the situation is drastic enough for him to call his father in. But he just slings his backpack over his shoulder and tells me he'll see me at break or something.

But I never get up. I sleep in all day. A deep, restless sleep. I dream of white walls and syringes, of stiff sheets and medical equipment.

Why get out of bed? I mean, what's the point? I can make up schoolwork maybe later. It's okay, I have time, I'm sick.

I'm very very sick.

And there's no cure but sleep. I'll just sleep forever if I have to. I just won't wake up if that's what I have to.

Sora comes back around four.

"Hi." He whispers, crawling next to me. "You never made it. Are you alright?" I turn over again, unresponsive. "You asleep?" A beat. "…I guess so." He leaves and gently closes the door behind him. After what feels like a second, he's back. "Riku? Are you okay? You slept through dinner. And _school_…" I turn over, all the covers now either tangled around my legs or kicked onto the floor. "It's the meds, isn't it?" He asks wearily.  
I close my eyes.

Some amount of time later, Mr. Hart comes in. He tells me to give it time. That I'm adjusting. He gets me up out of the bed and drags me downstairs to keep an eye on me probably because I'm insane I guess. But I don't care because my mind is clouded over I'm in this deep fog and I can't _think_because my brain just doesn't feel like it.

I slump over on the couch, next to Sora, watching TV but not _really _watching as I pick at my nails, pick at my sleeves, pick at the couch.

"Are you alright?" He asks. "Baby? Er, Riku? You look…" He struggles for the right word. I fall asleep before he finishes his thought.

One week later, as he arrives back from work, Mr. Hart offers a smile and says, "So, okay. That one's not working. We'll figure something out."

Like it's so so simple. I glance over at him from the couch and go back to the homework I can't concentrate on.

Because… what's the point?

-

From then on, we work to wane myself off the drugs. But I can't stand it. I'm worse off than ever. I'm jittery and jumpy. This was a bad idea. What the hell was I thinking? I was fine before. Everyone has fazes.

If Mr. Hart hadn't manipulated me…

I wouldn't feel this way if…

I growl in frustration, flushing the pills town the toilet. I'm through with it. I don't care what the consequences of not "properly" quitting may be. I'm done. Just so sick of it all.

When Mr. Hart calls me over for dinner, I can't seem to stop feeling sick for long enough to be able to sit and eat. I think I spent too much time on the meds to just quit like that.

How long has it been? Two weeks? Three weeks? A month? I don't know. It was too much of a blur.

"Mr. Hart?" I ask tiredly.

"Hm?"

"How long was I on the medication for…?"

He and Sora glance at each other.

"Just over a month." He answers. "Why?"

Because I don't remember any of it. "No reason. Are we going to try something else?"

"Only if you want to." I shiver despite myself. Damn it. Give me a real answer. A yes or no. "…Do you?"

"I don't know."

He just shrugs. "Hey, if you really think you don't need it, that's fine. The doctor said you could go either way." Because they don't know what the hell's wrong with me.

"I said I don't know."

"Yeah." He agrees. "You did."

-

Cold Turkey is killing me. Just over a month. That's all it takes, isn't it? Because I still can't concentrate. And I never realized how badly I was _shaking _until a girl who sits next to me in one of my classes asked if I was coming down with something. I don't even do homework any more. I can't concentrate long enough to just sit and do it. I feel too nauseas. Was I like this when I was going to school _on _meds?

On Friday, I go out and drink again. I'm more subtle, more in control. I come back at a decent hour after I've sobered up a bit, and Sora doesn't suspect a thing.

And I feel pretty good because it gets my mind off of everything for a while.

-

I'm not sure exactly what triggers it, but one day I totally _lose it_. Maybe it was the lack of sleep the night before, or the last of the horrible side effects of quitting the medication.

I think it starts when Sora harps on me for no reason. He just… comes in the room and says, "You're been a total asshole to me for weeks now. And don't use withdrawal as an excuse."

What the _fuck_. "Go away."

"Come on, Riku… I just want to _be _with you and you make it really impossible." Oh, oh no. He's preparing to give me another big speech. "I know you're going through a lot of crap." I'm not here, Sora. I'm tuning you out. "I understand. But you've been keeping me in the dark through the whole thing. I mean, I didn't even know you were going to go _on _medication for almost a week! _Dad _had to tell me what was going on. That's not right!"

"Then don't be so oblivious."

He slumps over, like he can't believe what he's hearing.

"Stop being such a bastard for a moment, okay?" He sighs.

"I'm not a bastard… you just make me that way."

We carry on like that for who-knows-how-long before we really start grating on each other's nerves. And he just won't _go away_.

First I throw a pillow at him.

Then a shirt that was laying on the ground.

Then a notebook.

I walk out of our room but he follows, getting louder and louder. He ends up following me--almost chasing me-- down the stairs. So _I_ turn around to start screaming at him, continuing downstairs and passing through the kitchen, the living room, until I reach the front door. I fumble with the lock. Behind me, I think Sora's crying. I don't care… he asked for it.

I leave, ready to head down to the beach. But Sora isn't through. I'm almost halfway down the street when I hear Sora shout something about how he wishes he'd never met me. I respond by calling him a whiny little bitch, an obnoxious brat, and any other little abuse I can hurl before he slams the door shut. Even then I taunt him, knowing very well he can't hear me. I tell him that it's fine to just lock the door and hide. Cry to Daddy when he gets home, to tell him I'm a big bully.

Well, it's quiet now. My throat hurts from shouting, but I'm oddly emotionless. Sora wants to cry… let him cry.

I continue down the street, pushing the button at the crosswalk. Heavy traffic today. I watch the cars pass by in blurs, waiting for it to slow down enough for me to cross. No one else is around, oddly. Maybe one or two people on the other side of the road who need to cross, but other than that it's really just me all by my lonesome. I guess. It's only when I get bored and start looking around do I notice Sora standing behind me.

"Hey…" He murmurs. "Uh, if I was annoying you, sorry. But you really should have--"

"I don't want to hear it."

"But I'm just trying to--"

"Yeah, and I'm just trying to--"

We talk over each other, our words mashing together to the point where we aren't saying anything. We're just making sounds that don't mean anything to anyone.

And there's the point where I truly lose it: Cars be damned, I dive into the traffic, just to get away. Cars swerve and come to a screeching halt as they try to _not_kill me. Pissed drivers cuss me out, and even some of those people on the other side of the road are screaming at me. 'What, are you crazy, boy?' They bellow.

Yes.

Yes I am.

-

It isn't until I actually reach the beach that I realize the true impact of what I've done.

I hurt Sora. Badly.

I could have _killed _myself. Thus hurting Sora more.

I'm at a position where I'm in a strange state of _despair. _I feel hopeless and I don't know why. I should just go back and make things right. Apologize to Sora before he decides that he isn't going to put up with me any more.

Damn stupid Mr. Hart and his fucking medications. I should've said no before all of this even happened…

I'm not sure why I don't stop walking forward as the cold, salt water bites my toes through my shoes and the waves reach my waist.

I'm not sure why I don't turn around as the pain caused by the temperature slowly turns to a dull numbness.

I'm not sure of anything as I trip over my own feet and fall under water, consciousness flickering and, finally, fading.

Fading into black.


	21. Sora: Love

Note: I am so incredibly stuck after this chapter you don't even know. There's a minor twist I've been wanting to get to, but now I'm wondering if I should just skip the entire thing and end this puppy already. :\ Opinions? Arggh, it's so hard to explain! It basically boils down to: introduce another character, or not? (If I didn't, the summary for this fic would be technically wrong…) SIGH!

_Home_

_Chapter 21_

_(Sora's POV)_

Riku's the biggest idiot I have ever met in my entire life.

About a half hour after coming back home (after Riku made a scene in the middle of the damn _street_ and nearly killed himself) I got worried. Dad came back from work and I told him everything that had happened. (Well, a sugar-coated version anyway.) We went out to look for him, but the only place I thought to look for him was the beach. I don't know where it is he's always running off to, but the beach was the only place I could think of. It was the only thing in the direction Riku was running.

We arrived at the beach quickly, only to find Riku collapsed on the sand, dripping wet, lips nearly blue. We got him home somehow and called Sandy. So she came over to help, and we were able to get my dumbass boyfriend to the point where he could actually wake up.

Now it's just him and me, in our room. He's in bed, I'm just sitting by him, on a chair I pulled from Riku's desk. Neither of us speak. I can't believe him. He could have _died_. Seriously, what goes through his mind when he does stuff like this?

"Sora…" He mutters. For what feels like the hundredth time today, I start crying again. Not just crying, either-- I'm _sobbing_. I feel so helpless. Why can't I help Riku? Why is he acting like this? Why does he have to be my entire freaking world?

It's stupid, but in this instant I'm so mad at him I slap him, hard. He gasps, out of pain rather than surprise.

"How can you be so stupid?" I start ranting at him, probably sounding like an idiot through the tears and sniffling. "First you come home drunk, then you suddenly start taking medication… only to _stop _just as suddenly, then you decide it'll be fun to go swimming in the ocean in the middle of _January?_ I'm sorry, are you _crazy_ or are you trying to sabotage everything good in your life?"

"I'm sorry." Two words. But they seem to make everything a bit better.

"It's okay."

Riku smiles. The realest, most sincere smile I've seen on him in a long time. One hand limply hangs over the side of the bed, and I take it in my own. His hands are even more freezing than usual. Well… duh. Of course they are. He almost froze and/or drowned to death.

"Your hands are warm."

I decide that now would not be the best time to ask him if he wants to know how warm the _rest_ of me is. Riku turns his head to sneeze, and coughs a few times afterward. Sandy comes in, looking almost cheerful. But that's just… her. No matter what she's smiling, because she can always find the bright side to any situation.

"You're a lucky boy, Riku. Sora and Mike found you just in time."

"I know." He mutters, closing his eyes. He whispers to me, "Do you know how many times doctors have told me how lucky I am…?"

"Too many." I answer, even though I don't know the number. Actually, I'm afraid to know, now that I think of it.

"We were all worried." She continues. "But you know that. There's no point in guilting you. Rest up, okay?"

"Okay."

She flashes a quick smile and leaves us.

"Riku…?" I know I'm probably just asking for it, just begging to start a fight, but I just have to know one thing: "Were you trying to kill yourself?" He rolls his eyes and makes a sound that's almost a snort or a grunt.

"No," he replies. "I just… I don't know. I wasn't thinking. Really. I didn't make the conscious decision to go out and almost drown. It just…sort of… _happened_." I don't respond. I believe him. I think. "I guess I just had a breakdown. It's happened before." _Huh? _Please Riku, no more surprises. "Just once. It was also due to a change in meds, so… just don't worry about it." He squeezes my hand. "I don't want to hurt you. I never meant to…"

"Don't worry about it." I repeat his words back to him. "I know you didn't." A pause. "When were you on meds before? And how come you never told me?"

"Honestly, I just remembered. And I think it was because my parents just got sick of dealing with me." I scowl at that but look over to see Riku… smiling? "I think it only lasted about as long as it did this time around. I guess I just forget how badly antidepressants and I mix." He shrugs casually and turns over.

"I'm sorry."

"Huh?"

"You're probably just trying to go to sleep and I'm sitting here blabbing at you. You must be really tired…"

"I don't mind. I'm sick of sleeping, anyway." He sighs. "I've said this before, but I'm just sorry you have to put up with all of my dumb crap…" I just smile.

"You put up with mine, I put up with yours. Fair's fair."

He laughs weakly, bitterly. "Except that I have enough angst for the two of us, and your dad as well."

"I'm just better at hiding it." I joke. But Riku doesn't take it that way.

"Are you?" He asks. I laugh, shrugging.

"I don't know. Maybe!"

"So you've never had a total nervous breakdown?" I think _he's _joking now, but I can't really be too sure. I shrug again.

"I'm usually good at handling things, I guess. I mean, I don't seem like it… but…" He sighs. Or maybe I do. It's such an unconscious act that we're not paying any attention.

"But…?" He presses.

"That was it." I assure him. A pause. "I mean, there were sometimes that I really just wanted to _die_. I considered acting out on it… a few times. I was like, eight. You know… dumb, young, I didn't even know what that meant."

"Sora... what are you saying?"

"Nothing. I'm an idiot… that's all. I wasn't even talking…"

"Sora--"

"You go to sleep. I'll bring up some soup in a little while. Sound good? Great!" And I rush downstairs.

Well.

That was weird.

This has been an interesting night.

Shaking my head, I walk into the kitchen, finding some chicken noodle soup and heating it up.

I'm not sure where any of _that _came from… I'm just better at _hiding _it? What? That's not _me _at all. Yeah, I can laugh things off. I think that's a positive trait, though, and God knows I don't really have that many of those. True, my mom did have a boyfriend once who made me want to die. But I'd never actually act out on it, actually kill myself. Even when I'd think about it… the good always overweighs the bad, if I try hard enough. It was like a "what if?" question. 'What if I weren't here?'

Besides, if I actually went through with it, my mom would probably think I did it just to inconvenience her.

Haha, the selfish bitch…

Hey, soup's ready.

--

It's a bit of a struggle to get Riku to eat, but I manage to do it. As he sips at the soup I explain to him what I meant to say when I kind of… lost it about a half hour ago.

"I'm rubbing off on you." He says, after I finish explaining myself. "Pretty soon you'll be the one jumping into traffic."

"I can hardly wait."

He gives me another sincere smile.

I love you so much Riku.

Stop making me crazy.

After he finishes his dinner, Riku falls asleep. I glance over at the clock--it's 9:32 PM-- and realize how exhausted _I_ am. I don't even get into bed. I fall asleep sitting up.

I wake up at 6AM exactly. Riku's sleeping soundly, a tiny smile on his face, fingers twitching. Well, at least he's happy. And _not _having nightmares for once. I get up and stretch. My neck is stiff and my back is really sore. Sleeping in a chair won't rank as one of my best ideas. I slowly make my way over to the calendar on the wall. I grab a pen from the desk and start crossing out days that we kind of neglected to cross out. It's not exactly January 18th anymore. It's February…. 9th, I think. Not that I care too much, really, but it gives me an excuse to stand up. May as well take a shower while I'm up… clear my mind, see if the heat helps my back any.

…Okay, so it really doesn't, but it kills about a half hour before Riku's up. Still looking a bit…paler… than usual, but he seems alright. He's dressed and out of bed, and that's an improvement. He's even reading, so _something _in him has gone back to normal.

"How're you feeling?" I ask.

"I'll live." He replies without so much as looking up.

"Glad to hear it."

I walk over and sit down next to him, stroking his hair once. "Are you really going to be okay?"

"Fine." He slumps over a little, sighing. "I think I got a cold." Not surprising. But still, taking care of him for the remainder of the weekend shouldn't be too bad. It'll be my excuse to blow off studying for my science test coming up.

Come to think of it, I hope Riku's missing school so much doesn't start to effect his grades or anything. He slept through school on meds a couple of times after that first time, and now there's no way he can go in this state, and I doubt he'll be magically better by Monday. Midterms are coming up, too…

Stupid school.

"What do you want for breakfast?" I ask absently, mainly for the sake of starting conversation.

"Not hungry."

Huh. He must really not be feeling well.

"You sure…?" he looks up at me, almost smiling. Almost.

"Yeah. You go ahead… by all means…" I shrug and leave, promising I'll be right back.

After I finish eating, I head upstairs only to find that I've been locked up.

Was this his plan all along?!

"Uh, Riku? Are you okay…?"

"I'm sick." He says simply, from the other side of the door. "I don't want you to get sick, too."

"But… I'm supposed to… take care of you…"

"I can take care of myself." I pause, not wanting to argue, but not exactly wanting to leave him be, either.

"Alright… but if you need me…"

"I'll tell you."

"And leave the door open? Please?" It's my room too, after all. You dummy.

A pause.

"Okay."

Huh. That was easy.

I sneak upstairs sometime in the afternoon, totally unsurprised to find Riku asleep. I haven't heard a peep from him since this morning. He's looking pretty good, though. I can't wait until he's back to normal and quits sleeping so much.

I sit next to him and stroke his hair, startled when he mutters something and shifts around. But he doesn't wake up. A minute or so passes and I decide it's probably best to just leave him alone. I'll bring him some soup later or something.

Get better, Riku. Please.

--

The week after Riku gets better is just stressful as when he was sick. School hits us both with more projects and finals than we can count, and we hardly even see each other because our schedules are so conflicting. I come straight home and then head to Kairi's to study, Riku stays late and goes to bed before I'm back.

But I just take solace in knowing it's all done with and I feel good about my grades for once, and Riku seems to be somewhat normal. And _I'm_ feeling good, too.

But now I'm concentrated on Valentine's Day, which is coming up sooner than I expected. This is the first time that I'm actually dating someone when this stupid little holiday rolls around, and I'm not sure what to do. Riku's not as much of a romantic as I am, if you could call me romantic. Whenever I even try to bring it up, he just snorts and rolls his eyes.

Except I think I know what I want to do, and I just know he's going to enjoy it more than he lets on.

This year, Valentine's Day ends up on a Friday. Riku's staying at school late again, so I get a chance to start preparing.

First I start making these little chocolates that Selphie made once around Halloween. There's dark and milk chocolate and peanuts and they're really fantastic. I'm really careful to get everything perfect, even down to my timing. I want them to be done before Riku gets home, but I don't want them to be sitting out for too long. But the hard part's done, and now all I have left to do is sit and wait for the timer on the oven to beep.

Dad gets home a few minutes before the timer goes off. No sign of Riku yet. "Something smells really good." He says.

"Thanks… I made some stuff for Riku. Valentine's day…" Dad grins.

"You guys are so sickeningly sweet, you know that?"

"I get that a lot." I really do. Kairi's told me before, and so has Selphie. Some of my classmates tell me they wish they had a guy like Riku and according to Riku himself, people say the same about me.  
I don't know. I wouldn't go so far as to say that we're one of those "perfect on the outside, but not at all inside" type of couples. We're happy. I love him. But… it's never been a paradise. There's always been a bit of a struggle, and I think there always will be. Not just the typical boyfriend-y stuff either-- there's something between us that can never be put into words. I think it's our pasts, and how we met. I think in some ways it makes us stronger, but in others…

Oh; I think I hear the door right now. "Hey Sora, you might want to get your stuff out of the oven now." I nod and quickly rush into the kitchen, grabbing an oven mitt and getting the chocolates, sliding them into a nice (if not more than slightly gay) small love-themed cloth, tying the ends like it's a bag.

When Riku walks through the door I practically shove it in his hands. He simply responds by saying hi. I wrap my arms around him and wish him a happy Valentine's Day.

He says, "Oh, _shit_."

"What, did you forget?" He doesn't reply right away so I just keep talking. "It's okay. I wasn't expecting anything… I did this because I…"

"No." He interrupts. "I didn't forget, I--"

"Come on, let's sit down." I half-lead him over to the couch and we sit. Riku finally takes notice of my gift for him and he starts opening it. But he's not careful, and all the candies spill onto his lap. He lets out a small gasp of surprise and I start profusely apologizing.

"I'm sorry! I should have told you to open it over a table, I had no clue they were just going to spill like that! I'm sorry!"

"It's okay." He assures me. "It's fine." He picks them up, one my one, and places them on the table in front of us. I search my pockets for a card I made him earlier in the week when I was supposed to be doing class work. When I find it and unfold it I slide it on the table next to the candies, lined up nicely in a row.

"Happy Valentine's Day." I say yet again. I place my hand over his.

And… he's not doing anything. He's just kind of…sitting there. "Riku, you may not have realized this… but that's food. For eating." He looks over at me and rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, I've _realized _that."

"But you're not eating."

"Observant, aren't you?"

"Yeah." I reply simply. "So…?" Okay, now I'm nervous. Does he think they're poisoned or something? _Please_!

"So, what?"

I want to kill him! My god! "So why aren't you eating?" He doesn't respond right away. When he does, it's cold-sounding.

"I don't really eat sweets…. Sorry." After he says that he winces, like he knows he said the absolute wrong thing.

"…oh." I slump over. Yeah, of course. Of course he's not going to accept any of this stuff. It's still Riku we're talking about here. I'm stupid for ever going to the trouble.

…That's why it's a total surprise when Riku takes one of the chocolates and pops it into his mouth. He chews, swallows, and… takes another one. I can't tell if he's doing it just to please me or if he really does enjoy them after all. I hope it's a little bit of both. I throw my arms around Riku again and squeeze. He returns the gesture as best as he can with the way I have his arms constricted in a death grip.. "So…?"

"They're good." He says simply. That's enough for me. When he turns to face me I kiss him, tangling his hair around my fingers, pulling him on top of me. He pulls away and buries his head in my neck, giving me just the occasional kiss. Our hands limply hang over the couch, fingers intertwined.

Well, it is _the _February Fourteenth. Time to tell him how you feel, stupid.

Okay… _now! _

I open my mouth but no sound comes out, so when I get a strange look from Riku I just make as if I was going to kiss him. His tongue brushes against mine for one brief second before he sits up.

"Hold on." He says. He grabs his backpack and starts flipping through a notebook. He rips a page out and hands it to me.

"What's this…?"

He shrugs. "I got bored in class and started doodling. I was going to finish this and give it to you today, but I ran out of time…"

It's really sketchy and only half outlined in pen. It's incredibly simple.

I love it.

Riku reaches for it, hastily trying to explain himself. "If you want me to go back and fix it…"

"No. Don't." I cut him off. "It's perfect." I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "It's _perfect_."

He just smiles.

--

After school on Thursday, Riku and I actually come home together. It's a first time in a long time that we've done that. The first thing we do is toss our backpacks on the ground and head for the couch. The little bag that I had the candies in is still there from Valentine's Day, but Riku finished the chocolate.

Riku suddenly grabs my shoulders and all but _pushes_ me down, pressing his forehead against mine for one brief second before brushing his lips over my cheek. He nips my ear once and I wrap my arms around him, tighter and tighter. When our lips meet I waste no time, opening my mouth and letting his tongue naturally slide in. We turn over and our legs tangle together. Without thinking, I start rubbing my leg against his, and it makes him squirm and groan. Oops, sorry. But he gets me back for it by rubbing against me a few times and I can't tell if it's accidental or not. Hey, either way…

"Riku, I love you."

For a moment, I'm not sure if I said it or imagined it.

Riku totally stops. He pushes himself off of me, but never getting off the couch. He's not even really sitting up, so we're half-in the same position we were just in. He doesn't say a single word the whole time he just stares at me, stunned and….

Horrified?

He struggles to untangle himself from me, getting off the couch and rushing to the door, slamming it behind him. It takes me a moment to get the impact of what just happened.

I fucked up.

I fucked up big time.


	22. Riku: The Unsolved Problem

Note: Here's a bit of a shift in the story and the introduction of my unfortunately named character. (I totally didn't realize it was--sort of-- taken by a FF character. Eek. Honestly, it was my fault for naming him after a user on a KH message board I lurked at. Tee hee.)

Oh, a warning: a lot of this chapter is just flashbacks. I hope it's not too confusing or out-of-place, or melodramatic, but I wanted it detailed. Most of all, I hope this doesn't seem random (or cliched, oh em gee, I would just metaphorically _die_) because I've been trying to do a bit of foreshadowing.

But, a plus side: Riku discovering why he's such an asshole (to put it bluntly), Riku's notebook explained, everything he's been 'repressing' is now out and written. No more secrets. XD I think.

But I'm still really not sure about this one. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it's the first time in a long time I've felt like I've had to ask for "no flames, please." DX

_Home  
Chapter 22  
(Riku's POV)_

Sora scared me shitless.

I admit it.

I don't want to ever go back there, back to that house. This was too great a leap for me. God, Sora, I'm so sorry. I want to return the feeling. I want to. But… I _can't._ I _can't love._ I've gone though life like _this _for too long.

But I think I now know what my problem is.

Maybe it's nothing you can ever diagnose, nothing you can ever treat with a medication. I've simply been broken too many times. I can say I'm "over" it now. I am. But when you've been nursing so many wounds for all these years… three little words can't mend them. It just doesn't work that way. I've turned cold, indifferent and hateful.

Move on Sora. Please, move on and find someone new. Leave me out here, on the beach. You deserve someone every bit as wonderful and affectionate as you are. Not me.

I slowly lay down on the sand. It's oddly warm out today. Spring is approaching, I suppose.

"Hey…?" when I hear a voice from behind me, it's so timid and warm I expect it to be Sora. "Are you alright?"

But it isn't.

It's someone new, but… actually… it's someone who looks so familiar, so…

Familiar…

Oh my fucking _God_.

He blinks, just as surprised as I am. "I know who you are." He says. "You're Riku Imakura. Oh, my God. You're _Riku. _Do you… remember me?"

I don't know. I think I do. Your face is so familiar. Your voice…

Z…

Za…

Zachary something.

Zachary…Noah something.

Zachary Noah Arakaki.

_Then_it comes to me, a blur of memories, knocking me over like a tidal wave.

-

_Darry and "Hey, Riku… that's your name, right?" and "I'm going to hang out with some friends this weekend, you coming?" and "I hate you," "We hate you"._

_I hate you._

_-_

"I think so." I reply, finally. "…Zachary…?" He grins and laughs.

"No one calls me that but you… you realize that?" I shrug. "I go by Noah more, nowadays." He reaches his hand out to help me up. I hesitate in taking it, expecting it to be some big trick. But it isn't. He _does _help me to my feet, no shove or insults afterward. "This is a stupid question….but… how _are _you? It's been, God… it's been _years_. I thought you were… we all thought you were dead." He closes his eyes for a moment. "Man, your poor parents…" I stare at my feet. "Ms. Moran was really devastated..." He pauses. "I was too. Are you… staying anywhere…?"

"Yeah." I tell him. "I live with my boyfriend. And he's wonderful." He blinks.

"Oh. Oh… well… that's great! You're happy?"

"Thrilled." God, Sora… I swear I'm coming back. And I'll be nicer. I can't believe it took me so long to figure out what I needed to do to fix myself. But I know now… "I have to go." I turn to leave, but he follows me.

"Wait! After almost four years, you just leave like that? Can't I just talk to you…?"

"I have to go." I repeat. He stops in his tracks.

"Well… I really want to see you again. We have--" He raises his voice as I get farther and farther away. "catching up to do, right?"

Maybe this was part of the reason I was so cold to Sora for so long when we first met. When Sora and I met he must have subconsciously reminded me of Zachary. I didn't want another person to try and "fix" me, lest it end in another tragedy.

I open the door as I get to Sora's house unsurprised to find it unlocked. Sora's curled up on the couch. I probably freaked him out…

"Hey." I call, softly.

"Riku!" He gasps, jumping up. "I'm so sorry. I was way out of line. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm such an idiot. Just pretend it never happened."

"It's alright." I tell him. "I'm glad you said it. I've… figured some things out about myself."

He smiles a little, head cocked to one side. "…what does this mean for _us_…?"

I'm smiling, too. I've never felt so odd in my life. On one hand, I think I get how to fix my relationship with Sora permanently.

On the other… what the hell am I going to do about Zachary? If he's here… then does that mean others from Darry may decide join him…? And who the fuck _is _he? I do have bits and pieces of memories. That's it.

…But… I shake my head and ruffle Sora's hair. "I have a bit of a headache." I tell him. "I'm going to lay down, and then we can talk or… whatever." His smile turns to a grin.

"Okay."

I head upstairs and crash on the bed.

Think, Riku, think. Forget all of that stuff about how you should block out your memories. That was a bad idea, and you only did it because you were hurt and afraid. Or something.

Now…

Who is Zachary Noah Arakaki?

-

_Thirteen years old. I walked down the hall of the Junior High school, down to my locker. The lock was broken, so I had to go through the combination several times to get it. I jumped as I felt the hood of my jacket get pulled off my head: Nero's "greeting" ritual, you could say._

_"Leave me the HELL alone." I snapped before turning around._

_But it wasn't Nero._

_It was a seventeen-year-old Zachary Noah Arakaki, known as Noah to some, Zakku to close friends, but never EVER as just Zach._

_He stepped back in surprise and apologized._

_  
"I guess this is a bad time, then." He said, turning to leave._

_"No…" I called after him, lamely. "I thought you were… someone else." I looked at my feet, pulling my hood back over my head. He turned back, smiling._

_  
"I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out over at that new ice cream place this weekend?"_

_-_

I was stunned. I remember that exact feeling. Okay, so here's a guy who has plenty of friends--most of the school, really-- is four years my senior, and had never even spoken to me before that day.

No, wait. That wasn't our first encounter ever.

-

_I must have been twelve or so, because it was before I found my little refuge was from the other kids at break. I saw him out humoring the lower classmen by playing soccer with them. He kicked the ball so hard it flew out onto the blacktop, nearly hitting me. _

_"Kick it back, would you?" He shouted. Wordlessly, I picked up the ball and threw it. It flew onto the grass, almost exactly to where Zachary was standing. "That was awesome! Thanks!"_

_-_

And, when I had my first nervousbreakdown, the one I was semi-informing Sora about earlier this week… I was in school when it happened. I don't know what even triggered it, but I went _nuts_. It happened so fast I don't recall much, just that I ended up at the hospital before lunch period even ended. I had deep cuts in my arms and had scratched one eye.

-

_I returned to school, that eye not totally healed up yet. I didn't want to face the comments and jokes I'd get thrown at me if I came with an eye patch, nor could I afford to go with out one. So instead I used a blindfold, wrapped over only one eye. _

_When the bell ran for classes to start, someone knocked into me, causing the blindfold to slip over the other eye. I was adjusting it so I could see again, when I heard someone behind me muttering. "Crap, I'm going to be late… I need to get to the frickin' high school. God, I'm going to be so late."_

_-_

The middle and high schools were right next to each other. People almost always ditched to go the school next door during break or lunch.

-

_So I tried to get out of his way--I didn't want him to be late, either-- but I blocked him and he crashed into me. Frustrated, he snapped, "Jesus, are you blind?!"_

_Then he paused. "Oh… my… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." He handed me a book that I had dropped and was on his way._

_-_

I turn over and sigh. Now it's coming back to me. But I wonder whatever would draw Zachary _here_ of all places?

-

_I bit my lip, wondering what had gotten into him, why someone of such a high social status would invite me to go for ice cream of all places._

_Then it hit me._

_Zachary's friends were close to Nero and Kai. I'd even seen him hanging around with those two._

_It was all a joke. Some big joke._

_"No." I muttered. "I…. have to go."_

_"What? Why?" He followed me as I started down the hall._

_"I'm not stupid." I replied, still half-mumbling. "If Nero or someone put you up to this…"_

_"'Put me up to this'?" He repeated. "You've got this all wrong."_

_I darted into my next class, but even that didn't stop him. "You're always alone….and I just thought…" He bit his lip and paused. "If you're not busy… how about Sunday? At one?" I said nothing. "I'll be there." He said. "You'll see."_

_-_

"Word on the street is you have a headache." Mr. Hart says. I jump._Crap_. I didn't realize he came in. He drops off a bottle of aspirin. I thank him absently, and he just nods. "Tell me if you need anything, okay?" Now _I _nod.

He waves and leaves.

-

_It was twenty past one on Sunday. I rolled my eyes, slumping over on my bed. I knew it. He wasn't going to show. He and his friends were laughing it up somewhere about how stupid I was._

_And I was. I knew he wasn't going to show, but I got excited over it anyway._

_Three minutes later, Mama came up and knocked on the door, entering after I gave her permission. "You didn't tell me you were going to have company." She said, grinning._

_"…What?" I jumped out of bed, running downstairs. _

_And there he was._

_As promised._

_I couldn't believe it._

_-_

He couldn't find my house. That's why he said he was so late. He apologized _profusely_…

I had a _blast _that day. I'd never experienced anything like it.

-

_"You're… quiet." He said once we got our ice cream and sat down. I shrugged. "Why didn't you think I was going to come?"_

_I fought back a not-so-happy smile. "Because I'm _weird_."_

_This time Zachary shrugged._

_"I like weird." He said. "I _love_weird."_

_-_

After that, he'd eat with me at lunch every so often. He'd ask me to go to all of those hang-out spots that everyone else went to and I hadn't. He invited me over.

-

_School got a little easier when word got around who had just taken interest in me. I got into a fight, once, but who was there to break it up if it wasn't Zachary? He was amazing in every sense of the word. There was no one like him. And to me, a thirteen-year-old who had never experienced kindness…_

_It was almost like love at first sight._

_-_

When did it go sour? A month later? Not even that? I sigh, sitting up, getting bored. But I know that I have to get this figured out. Because when I do I can finally "decode" my past, put the pieces into place, learn how I'm supposed to try to love Sora.

I think if I were to look deep enough, it's all I've ever wanted.

But we'll see.

-

_After a while, I became horribly infatuated with Zachary. He constantly invaded my mind. Of course when he invited me to sleep over, I jumped at the opportunity._

_After I asked Nathan originally if I could, but he said no without even pausing to think about it. I'm not sure if Mama convinced him otherwise, but I had been given permission by the end of the week. _

_I was quiet nearly the whole time. I usually was around him, but he didn't mind. Just before we went to bed that night, he kissed me._

_Well. He tried to. I guess I didn't really "get" it and did what I could to avoid the contact. I _was_infatuated, but that didn't mean I wanted to act out on it. It freaked me out, and that annoyed him. _

_But. I knew it wasn't a return of any feeling. The simple fact of the matter was that Zachary was Zachary, he could have anyone he wanted, and he used that power liberally._

_Maybe that was when things stopped being the same._

_-_

I turn over, feet falling asleep, head actually starting to hurt now. I take the aspirin Mr. Hart gave me earlier, even though I don't have water. Dumb move. It stings.

-

_But I didn't see the change at first. Zachary started inviting me to eat lunch with his friends, who were all intimidating, but nice. They had all had a terrible, raunchy sense of humor that wasn't for me, but I laughed at their jokes and they laughed at mine… "You know," one girl told me. "I had no clue that you were like this. I can't believe I expected so… little from you." And I shrugged, not sure whether to take it as a compliment or not._

_It felt damn nice to belong._

_But after a while they started creeping me out. There was something off about them. Something odd and snarky. For once, I ignored my instincts and allowed myself to get involved in their confectionary world. They were incredibly glamorous, I couldn't help it. Zachary's best friend, Trace, with his new girlfriends each week, his cruel sense of humor, the way people looked to him with a mix of fear and love, his most steady girlfriend who lost the laughter in her eyes while dating him….. Zach's ex-girlfriend and still friend, Kayla, who was all blonde hair and short skirts and high, shrieking laughs. Any one who had the privilege to be close with them…_

_-_

Well, I guess that's it for now. Nothing else is coming. I wonder what Sora is up to…?I start downstairs just as Sora's coming up. When I see him, I retreat back into our room. He doesn't say a word as he sits on the bed, right next to where I lay. He's doing something on his computer and his typing to so loud I glance up to see what it is. But it's not interesting.

I sigh and slide down, resting my hand on his knee. He looks up and smiles before going back to whatever he was doing.

-

_No matter what, I was always a little timid around Zachary. I didn't want to grate on his nerves. But he always insisted that he didn't mind, and if he was annoyed he'd let me know._

_But I still wasn't sure._

_And…_

_-_

Then…?

-

_And then one day he really got annoyed at me for something. I met him at his locker, ready to tell him something. When I opened my mouth to speak, he jumped and slammed the door. "Don't you have anything better to do that follow me around," He hissed, more to himself then me, more a statement than a question. "It's like you love me or something." I tensed up and left without speaking, left wondering what I did wrong. _

_That wasn't like him._

_-_

"Your head _still _hurting?" Sora asks, suddenly.

"Yeah." I reply without thinking, even though it doesn't. I shift around a little, grabbing his arm and resting my head on his shoulder. He turns his laptop off and sets it on the desk beside him, turning to kiss me. He rolls on top of me, and I just sit and let him. He cups my face in his hands as we break apart, sighing.

"I…" He starts, then sighs again. "Well, you know."

"Yeah." I reply, taking his hands. I remove them from my face but keep his fingers laced with mine until I place my hands on his hips. He kisses me once more, a deep, soft kiss that deepens even more with the meeting of our tongues. Now I roll over on top of him, stroking his cheek absently. In an odd moment of "passion", I start pulling at his shirt, yanking it over his head and running a hand over the newly exposed skin. He goes right for my belt, struggling to unbuckle it. He sighs again, not a content sigh this time but an annoyed one. I decide to help him out, sitting up and getting the belt off. I drop it somewhere over the side of our bed. He thanks me sheepishly. In response I just shake my head.

And in response to _that_, Sora yanks me down by the sleeve of my shirt, pressing his lips against mine again. He runs his fingers through my hair, unbuttoning my jeans all the while.

"You don't mind, do you…?" He asks, breathlessly between kisses.

"No." …Do I?

Well, I guess not because I don't even tense up a little as he starts working my pants off, and now I'm just starting to get butterflies in my stomach. I don't even realize that he's gotten on top until he (inadvertently?) rubs against me in _just_… the right way…

"Oh,_shit_."

Sora looks up. "Huh?"

"…Nothing."

A pause. "Oh." A smile. "_Oh_." Another pause, an even shorter one this time. "Want me to do that again?"

"…"

"Alright! Rub, rub, rub, rub…" Okay, _fuck_. Now he's just being mean. I roughly shove him off of me, but he just laughs. He rests his head on my chest. I wrap my arms around him.

Now, it's easy to get the memories back.

-

_Zachary later apologized, and the incident was forgotten._

_But he'd do little things… I don't know, small "signs" maybe, that something was weird with him. He'd say something then take it back, or stop himself halfway through, passing it off by saying "never mind". _

_But I didn't think anything of it._

_-_

_One day, Zachary walked up to me all-smiles, announcing that he had a new girlfriend._

_I could never explain why… but I was _crushed._All of Zachary's attention went to this girl, and life slowly went back to normal for me. Zachary didn't hang out at the middle school anymore, so people didn't really find it in themselves to leave me alone._

_But after he dumped her, he started to come back, and I got a little bit of his attention again. _

_No one made me feel wanted like he did._

_-_

Until now. Sora's breathing slows a little as our hearts both stop beating less rapidly, but I feel like I've run a marathon for some reason. I'm so _tired._

_-_

_I kept my distance from Zachary for a while, anyway, because I didn't want to invade his personal space. One day he came up to _me.

_"Hey, you avoiding me?" He asked carefully._

_"No."_

_A smile. "Just wondering."_

_-_

_I slept at his house once more after the kiss incident. _

_It was a Sunday._

_Nathan was gone for business, and so were Zachary's parents. They usually were. We went to bed late that night, despite having school the next morning. We even did homework most of the time. It was well past midnight, and we were both talking, muttering out bits and pieces of lame conversations. He turned over, closing his eyes, then shifted over one more time so he wasn't facing me._

_In an exhausted stupor, I said: "I love you."  
- _

After a while, Sora gets --bored, I guess-- and starts flipping through some old magazine. Well, it was at least nice while it lasted…

I lazily stretch and sit up, trying to figure out the rest of my past with this Zachary guy. I think now I'm somewhere close to when I ran away…?

-

_On Monday when we walked to school, Zachary was oddly quiet. He said he was just tired._

_How could I have been so stupid?  
I still didn't suspect a thing._

_-_

Here's the worst of it I think… the first I tried to block out.

-

_I don't know if it was later Monday or on Tuesday or on Wednesday. Zachary had been ignoring me all week._

_  
Or… he made no effort to speak to me, at least, but I didn't speak much to him, either. _

_On_that _day, however, I did speak to him as he was walking by. I don't remember what it was… but it couldn't have been any less harmless than, "Hi."_

_He_exploded. _" Fuck off!" His voice wasn't particularly loud, but the harsh words sliced through the hallway. _

_  
I was fucking shocked._

_"Er… I…"_

_"Jesus, how come you never leave me _alone_?" I couldn't bear looking at him. I kept my view fixed on the ground. It happened to fast that I had trouble registering exactly what was happening.  
People were staring. "I can't do ANYTHING with out you following me around!" His voice was getting louder. "You're so fucking sad. You realize this is why people don't like you, right?" A small crowd was gathering. "And to top it all off, you're weird." ('I love weird'.) "Because being miserable and pathetic just isn't enough to get you attention, right? You know, I hate you. We all hate you."_

_The entire hallway fell into a dead silence._

_And then the laughter began._

_-_

_I was in a daze for the rest of the day. Every once in a while I got a sympathetic look from some kids I vaguely knew and, surprisingly, everyone pretty much left me alone. _

_Until the final bell rang._

_"Too bad about Zakku, huh?" Nero asked after following me to my locker, using the nickname I never had the right to use again. "You were such great _friends_, huh?"_

_"Blow me." I replied with one of Nero's little pet phrases without missing a beat. He snorted, any trace of a joke now out of his voice._

_"The day you find someone who really does like you, I will."_

_Pissed, I slammed the locker door shut, ignoring my arm still inside. Nero was startled and stepped back, clearly wondering it I was going to have another episode. So far it certainly seemed that way. "You're a _freak_."_

_"You're an ass." I retorted, weakly. I opened the creaky door again and let my hand, sliced and bloody, slip out. I didn't even grab my things._

_I just turned and left._

_-_

_By the time I was about halfway to Nathan's house all the other kids from school who walked home had parted into different directions. The quiet was nice, though I could hardly think. My mind was racing, I was still awestruck. _

_People had pulled shit on me before. _

_But never anything like this._

_Had he just grown tired of me?_

_Or_

_Had all of the days we spent together been part of an elaborate joke?_

_Why had I ever told him I loved him? Had I even…? How was I to return to school the next day…?_

_"Riku!"_

_-_

"Hey, Riku, you okay? You look pretty far…gone."

Yeah it's Sora, somewhere in the distance. But I am far gone. I am so close to figuring this out.

-

_"Riku, wait."  
Zachary._

_I didn't turn around and I never looked at him. I walked faster._

_"Riku… Riku, please wait."_

_I ran until I reached the house, hastily looking for my keys, hands shaking as I unlocked the door and slammed it behind me. I expected a knock on the door, a rock through the window, anything._

_But all that greeted me was a dull, deafening silence._

_--_

_The gash on my hand and wrist had stopped bleeding, but I felt so lightheaded and dizzy that I had to lay down. I rested on the couch, staring at the clock, watching the seconds tick away. I got up and walked into the kitchen, my body moving all on its own. I grabbed a knife from a drawer and walked back to the couch._

_I had never considered this before._

_And I would never consider it again._

_I don't know how long I sat there, deciding whether or not to go through with it._

_Plus sides: I wouldn't have to go back to school. I wouldn't have to face Nathan. No one would miss me._

_Down sides: None. None that I could see. None that I wanted to see._

_But that was when Nathan got home. I jumped and instantly panicked. Nathan was never in a good mood when he got back from business trips, and the first thing he saw was me, with a knife, dried blood on my hand._

_I was supposed to be in my room studying until he called me down for dinner._

_I'm not exactly sure how little time we actually spent just staring at each other, because it felt like hours upon hours. _

_"What the fuck." He said finally, slamming the door behind him and striding over. He grabbed my crippled hand roughly, yanking up my jacket sleeve. "What the hell do you think you're _doing_?"_

_"I…. I'm not…" _

_With all his force, he grabbed my arm and pulled me upstairs. I stumbled over my feet the whole way that he lead my to his room. He was probably going to help me bandage my arm, but I still wasn't thinking straight and went into a panic. Nathan put his hand on my shoulder, quietly, civilly trying to calm me down. When that didn't work, he hit me and grabbed the back of my neck with all the savagery and none of the tenderness of a lioness picking up her cub. I tore myself away from his grip, screaming at him.That was it._

_He hit me again, this time with the intention to hurt, to be violent. In my own fury, I had sent him over the edge as well. He reached out, but I shoved his hands away.He shoved me down the stairs. I slid, landing on my back, hitting my head. My vision blurred, and everything went black._

_I woke up sometime later. Nathan was in the kitchen starting dinner, as if nothing had happened. I weakly walked upstairs and into my room. I fell onto my bed, onto my notebook. I took out a pen, flipped to a blank page and began scribbling, doodling, writing any phrases that came to mind._

_Like:_He doesn't love me any more.

_But he never did._

_-_

I can't remember what happened during dinner, but Nathan and I fought again.

-

_One final time, I stumbled up to my room, exhausted and now in excruciating pain._

_When I awoke, I found that I was in the hospital._

_It had been three days._

-

I ran away the day after being discharged from the hospital.

That's it.

That's all.

Now that's over with. Nothing blocked out, no pesky memories biting back at me in dream-form.

And I feel oddly… satisfied? Because I'm so far away from Darry and my school environment has shifted so drastically and Sora has stuck by me for so long now… I feel so much better than before.

When the doorbell rings sometime later, I get right up to answer it.

…Oh.

It's just _Zachary._


	23. Sora: One Year

-1Note: I've been done with this for a while, but I guess I just wanted a Christmas update because… I'm a bitch. It's weird because in the fic Christmas passed a while ago. I really for some reason kept writing this as being wintery, which is why Sora keeps saying it's cold. Yarr.

So.

There's a sexual-type scene in this one, but probably the shortest, most innocent one ever written. (My first ever. Be nice. ;p) I'm still bumping this to M, just so the FFN police don't kill me. Chapter 24's coming tomorrow, so watch out. The scene at the very end is random in the worst way (it just… came to me for some strange reason), but I wanted to really sign this one off with something sort of sweet. Ish.

So…

Enjoy!

BTW: visitmypromptforum

_Home_

_Chapter 23_

_(Sora's POV)_

Whoever's at the door, Riku sure doesn't sound too happy to see him. As I come downstairs I can hear him snorting and asking:

"What do _you_ want?"

But I can't hear the guy's reply. When I reach Riku, I ask about it, knowing that I'm being obnoxious and interrupting them.

Ah well.

"Who's your friend?" I ask.

"I don't know, but _this _is Zachary." Riku replies. "Sora, Zachary. Zachary, Sora. Zachary, go away."

"_Ooh, _Riku, that hurts." The guy's tone is friendly enough, but it doesn't stop Riku from glaring daggers at him.

"Good. Don't you have anything better to do than to stalk me back here?" Okay, now I'm _really_ interested.

He shrugs, still all-smiles. He seems really harmless. I don't know what he did to get Riku so upset. "My apartment is this way, too. I parked way up here and… thought I'd just drop by. This your boyfriend?"

"Yeah."

I reach out to hold Riku's hand or do _something_, but he dodges it. "You look good together." Riku doesn't know how to respond to that, so he doesn't. Now this guy's attention is on me. "When did you meet Riku?" He has this almost gentle tone when he's talking to me, like how you'd talk to someone younger. It doesn't seem condescending though. And he never stops smiling!

But I don't know how to answer the question. How much does he know about Riku? I glance over at my boyfriend, but he just nods. "About six months ago, he saved me from some thugs."

"Then it's pretty serious." I grin despite myself. I guess we _are _serious. I never thought of it like that.

"Yeah. We are." Riku responds quickly, which just makes it better. "Well, I guess it's time for you to go now, Zachary--"

"--You can call me Zakku, or Noah, even."

"No."

"You can too, Sora."

"Thanks!"

"Hey," Zakku starts, at the same time Riku does.

"I want to talk to you _outside_." They both say. They totally forget me as they leave, closing the door. Out the window I can see Riku gesticulating _rapidly. _He's pissed. Zakku stays calm the entire time, hands in his pockets, occasionally shrugging. Riku composes himself finally, not looking as much like he's going to push Zakku into the street.

Sort of.

Man, what is going _on_?

Riku finally comes back in, slamming the door, and sulking on the couch. "I can't believe the nerve this asshole has…"

"Did you get into a fight or something?"

"You wouldn't understand." I'm a bit taken aback by that comment, but I just keep getting more and more curious. Riku's been mad and annoyed at_ me _before, but I've never seen him so _flustered._ Zakku's got talent.

"…Riku?"

"The jerk's from Darry." It takes a moment for that name to register. 

"Your hometown?" I'm startled for sure, wondering if Zakku's really one of the people who made Riku's life so incredibly miserable. "_Why_? What's he doing here?"

He picks at a loose thread on his sleeve. "The best Med schools in the country, he says. Fuck, why'd it have to be here? I hate that guy." I sit next to him, resting my head against his shoulder. Surprisingly, he doesn't push me away.

"What happened?" He debates for a moment on what he should say. I can see it in his eyes.

"He acted like a friend then humiliated me as a little show for _his _friends."

"Wha--"

"Look, I'm not going to get into it. It's new to me too. I had it blocked out for so long, and now he just… shows up like this."

I shrug, sighing, wishing I could be just a little more helpful. "Maybe it's fate." Even though I don't believe in fate, and Riku probably doesn't either.

"Fate is a whore." He replies sharply, lacing his fingers through mine.

Life just got a whole lot more interesting, I guess.

--

March and April are pretty boring, but I'm _stoked _for May.

Riku and my one-year anniversary.

We met on May 10th last year.

I can't believe that a year has gone by so quickly. And Riku's _still _so full of mysteries that I can't even

begin to uncover. We haven't heard from Zakku in a long time, now, so Riku's still acting like himself.

I haven't brought that guy up though. Don't want to risk getting in a fight too close to our anniversary. That would be a really bad omen.

Or maybe just really, really symbolic.

But the problem is, I'm not sure if _Riku _knows. When I go to hunt him down, he's in our room, reading. God, how much can one person possibly read without his brainexploding?

I sit on the bed next to him, stroking his hair.

"What do you want?" He asks. Charming.

"You know what's coming up soon?"

"Summer?"

"No, it's--- what are you taking about? Summer's not coming up soon!"

He shrugs. "It's April 30th. June comes after May, you know."

I snort. "I _know_. I was going to say our anniversary is coming up soon." He finally glances up at me.

"Our _what_?"

"Our anniversary. One year… can you believe it?" He doesn't reply. "One year you're never getting back." He smirks.

"That's how I see it."

"I love you." It's only the third time I've said it since that first time when Riku freaked. I don't say it that often… I just want to be careful.

"…Yeah. I know." He replies. I link my arm through his, nuzzling my face into his neck.

"I _love you_," I repeat for really no reason.

He smirks again, but it's still a little uncomfortable. Eh, he'll get used to it eventually. "I _know_, Sora_. I know._"

"Are we going to go out?"

"Huh?" Riku's second 'huh' of our conversation. He's either _really_ out of it, or this whole anniversary thing has thrown him for a loop.

"On the 10th."

"Uh…?"

"May. Anniversary. Five seconds ago… remember?"

"Oh. Sure. It sounds… fun."

"Really?"

"Yeah." There's something else that's a little off about him and I just can't figure out what. He looks slightly dead in the eyes or something… I feel like the answer should just smack me in the face, but it never does.

--

Our anniversary is approaching even more quickly than I thought it would. Riku's spending so much time out I'm wondering if I messed up and did something stupid to chase him off.

Again.

But on the 8th I ask him about it but he assures me that nothing's wrong, he's just been trying to catch up on schoolwork.

"We're still on for Thursday, right?" I ask. He nods.

Thursday doesn't arrive soon enough. I'm happy all day, to the point that I'm sure my friends are wondering just exactly what I'm _on_. When I tell them I met Riku one year ago today, they congratulate me with all the enthusiasm of a dead squirrel.

Whatever.

--

At the last minute, Riku says he can't go.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.

I mean… I guess I understand. It's a school night and he has a lot of homework, has to get a lot of stuff done to get into these summer classes he wants to take…

He promises he'll make it all up to me on Saturday.

I hope he does.

--

I'm kind of down on Friday, enough that Kairi notices when I talk to her after school.

"What's wrong, Sora? It's Friday!" She says. I shrug. "…It's not about Riku, is it?" I smile despite myself.

"How'd you guess?"

"Oh, Sora…" She sighs. "What happened?"

I shrug again. "We were going to go out yesterday but we didn't. It's alright."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, of course. It's no big deal." She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes.

"You sure?" Her voice is always kind of high, but she almost sounds like a baby when she does that whole sympathy-thing. It's not irritating at all though-- instead, it's kind of cute.

"Yeah. We have all weekend to make up for it." Whether that's an outright exaggeration or just wishful thinking, I don't know. I'm kind of wondering if anything will even happen tomorrow. God, I hope so…

--

I wake up at 8AM on Saturday. Riku's already up and he looks as though he has been for a while. His hair is damp and he has a half-full cup of water on the dresser. He's seeming a bit more… I don't know. Upbeat than usual.

"Hey," He says.

"Happy anniversary." I tell him. "Two days late." He smiles sheepishly.

"I'm sorry about…"

"I know. It's no problem."

"But--"

"Don't sweat it. I'm going to take a shower." I hop out of bed, grabbing a change of clothes. Before heading into the bathroom I ask, "Would you rather go out for lunch, or dinner?"

"Lunch." He replies.

So lunch it is.

We eat at the same little place that we did all those months ago, when we were wandering around, checking out all there was to check out. We threw French fries at each other until we were kicked out.

It's not fancy, but it brings back memories.

"Let's actually not get kicked out this time, eh?" Riku says as we start to eat.

I laugh. "Try and make me."

But the lunch isn't the best part of the day.

In fact, what happens after we've been home for several hours make lunch seem totally dumb.

--

After getting off the phone with Kairi, I walk upstairs and back into our room. Riku's just coming in from the balcony.

"Who called?" He asks.

"Just Kairi." I reply, definitely taking notice of the wariness in his voice. "Why?"

"No reason." But that isn't good enough. He _never _cares who I've been on the phone with. It certainly never stresses him out like this.

"Why?" I ask again.

"I said no reason."

I take a step closer to him, he takes a step back. I don't know why I'm so persistent today. I guess I'm in a weird mood.

"Are you sure?" Step closer. Step back.

"…Yeah…"

"Really?" Step closer. Step back.

"Yeah…?"

"You _sure_?" Step closer. Step back. Trip and fall on the bed. I get on top of him, pressing my forehead against his.

"I didn't want Zakku--Zachary--- to call again. I didn't want Zachary to call again." He says finally. Wait. Again…?

"He called you?"

"Once."

"What did he want?"

Riku shrugs. "I hung up on him."

"Oh." He kisses me.

"It's not important." Riku pulls me closer, holding me tighter. I wish I knew exactly what Zakku did that hurt Riku so much…

"I love y--"

"I know."

And this time, I kiss him. Riku pulls at the covers, causing a pillow to fly off the bed, and we quickly crawl under. The sheets are cool against my skin. It feels good even though it's sort of cold outside. I'm wearing too many layers and I've been uncomfortably warm since we got back from lunch. So naturally I start tugging my jacket off, but Riku takes it the wrong way: he takes his sweater off.

Oh well, that's where this was probably heading anyway. I run my hands over his chest, his stomach.

Now here lies the question: do I get his pants off, or not?

Well, the answer's simple.

He tenses for a split second after I start trying to work his belt off, but ends up having to help me get it off. Again. I swear to God, it's like there's a combination lock on there that I can't see. After that, the pants come off.

But now I have no clue how far this is going to take us. I never do.

It never _does._

But I guess it's the rush of emotions--one _year_, my _God_-- that finally bring us that much… I don't know. Closer, I guess.

I'm not sure whether it's all me, or all him, or a combination of both of us… but my shirt _and _pants come off, and…

Oh man.

Riku's boxers come off.

And I'm not dreaming. For sure. _Finally!   
_I look at him for a moment, searching his face for approval. I get a small something I think is a nod, so I go ahead. I run a hand across his stomach, then lower. His breath catches--or maybe it's mine that does-- and he sighs.

Or maybe I do.

Then I begin to stroke him. Gently at first, timidly, because neither of us are really used to this. My stomach's flipping. I can't possibly describe it. Oh…_ man_. He's hard. Completely hard.

When I do finally get used to it, I'm able to get this kind of…rhythm down. And judging from his closed eyes and tilted-back head, I'd say he's enjoying it. "…Sora…" My name is uttered as something between a whisper and a moan, sending a chill down my spine. I pick up the pace now, sending us both into this odd frenzy. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, shifting and pressing himself against me. I tangle my fingers in his hair but after a moment he takes that hand, gently brushing his tongue over each finger. All the while I keep experimenting and stroking and rubbing and really doing anything to make sure he keeps on making that _purr _he's doing right now. He presses his mouth against mine briefly before gasping for air, and I tell him, again, that I love him. He tells me to shut up and stop talking. Charming. Despite _that_, the moment seems like it'll never end, but… it has to eventually.

We end up on opposite sides of the beds, after. I'm flying so high I may as well have just gotten laid. And if _that _feels anything like _this _did… damn.

_Damn_.

He sighs, breaking the silence that settled across the room shortly after we finished. I hum a reply. We're not touching anymore, but we don't need to. We're good.

"…Sora…?" He asks, quietly.

"Hm?"

"What's your second name?" …What? God, Darry lingo, you baffle me. I must have shot him a confused look because he thinks for a moment before rephrasing the question. "Do you have a middle name?"

What an odd and random question.

"Why?"

"I figure… I… I should know."

The sad thing is, I actually have to think about it. "It's Anthony. After an uncle or something. Uh, my… mom's little brother who died, I think." Pleasant thought. "You?"

"Nicholas." I find myself smiling despite myself. The name is nice, but sounds blah compared to his first and last. Riku Nicholas Imakura. No ring to it. "It was going to be my first name but there was a mix up, and I became Riku instead."

We don't talk after that, but just smile, totally content.


	24. Riku: Truth

_Note:_Lots of Zachary back story in this one. Um… I guess that's it. Merry Christmas/early Kwanzaa.

_Home  
Chapter 24  
(Riku's POV)_

The truth has started to come out in not-so-tiny bits for a long time now. The most surprising thing is that I don't care.

Example? Just one?

From: 'yeah, I cut'

To: 'yeah, I did, but I don't anymore'

To: 'no, I did it once and I hated it'.

And…finally, to: '…But I _did _burn myself on occasion so my Dad would pay so Goddamn attention to me once in a while'. The crazy truth.

I suppose I owe it to Sora to tell him everything ,and I think I have been pretty good about it. But how far am I supposed to go with the Zachary issue?

God. Sora must be _so _confused.

As if he ever believes a word I say.

But I guess I haven't really done anything to make him trust me. I'm not sure I ever will.

Especially considering…

Nah. I'm not telling him. It'll just hurt him. Our relationship is going too well, I don't want to risk it. God, one year…

Well, even more than that now. And he's proven himself in my eyes. Finally. He's _everything _ could ever possibly want and need. Even at these bad, dark moments where I absolutely _loathed _myself, he was there and could make me feel just a little better.

And I am not going to fuck this up. No way. Especially not NOW that I think I may…

That I may be in lo…

Shit. It's the worst _and _the best. I can't describe it. I am fucking i_nvincible_.

-

It's the first weekend back from spring break, making it… I don't know… officially a really long time since I've heard from Zakk-- Zachary.

Until today, of course.

The phone rings in the afternoon. I expect it to be for Sora--it usually is-- so I pay no mind.

"Riku?" He says, sounding as confused as I feel. "It's, uh, for you."

"…Huh?" He hands me the phone. "Hello?"

"Riku?"

"Speaking." A laugh.

"It's Zakku!" Fanfuckingtastic.

"What do you _want_?" The words are venom, almost vomited from my mouth.

"I… just wanted to talk to you."

"_Yeah_, why?" And how did you get my number?

"I was going to ask… if you'd come over sometime. I don't think this is something we can do over the phone."

"…Wha…?"

"It's not how it sounds. Really. …Please?" I sigh. May as well.

"When?"

His voice sounds light again, like it did at the beginning of our little conversation. "Is tonight okay? I think it's the only night this week I'm free."

"Whatever."

"At Seven? I'll cook and everything."

"…Whatever."

"It'll be fine." He promises. I hang up.

It'll be fine.

It's easy for you to say, Zachary.

-

All day I'm dreading this appointment. Sora's being oddly supportive of this whole thing. He says it'll be "good for me" because I can "come to terms" with my past. I never did tell him exactly what happened, but I guess he gets the gist from the only thing I _did _tell him. At six-thirty I head out. I didn't write down his address; it's in my head.

Sora kisses me, and Mr. Hart shouts a vague goodbye from the other room. He's so clueless; he really thinks I'm just visiting a friend. I'm surprised he hasn't asked me a thing about where I came from yet. I suppose someone out there really does think I'm trustworthy.

What a mistake.

When I arrive at Zachary's I wait outside for a few minutes. I could just stand here, act as if I'm late. It could make up for all the times he kept me waiting.

I want to say that I don't do it because I'm not that petty, but the truth is that I don't even have the chance to wait before Zachary opens the door, inviting me in.

"I thought I heard someone." He says, smiling. He shows me to the table, even pulling the chair for me to sit in like a perfect little gentleman. It's disgusting. He's making me feel like we're on a date. I make sure to inform him of this. He shrugs. "I guess it is kind of date-like. I just wanted to make it sort of fun."

"I have a boyfriend."

"I know." When the oven beeps, he gets up to pull out the meal. And I'll be damned if I don't bite into it to find that it's _good_. Of course. He is just too fucking perfect.

"So." He says after a moment. "Let's talk."

"Why am I here?" I say, first thing. He doesn't reply right away.

"Because…I asked you."

"Why did you ask me?"

"Because I wanted to talk to you."

"Why?"

He doesn't look me in the eye. Not quite. "Because…" A sigh, a hard blink. Only then does he look at me. "Because I feel bad." I shift in my seat, not due to being uncomfortable but just to move, to break tension.

"Do you feel bad because of what you did, or because there were consequences?" I can't really believe what he's saying. No… not yet. "Or… do you just feel bad _for _me?"

"All of it." He replies, simply, honestly. Frankly, all the emotion disgusts me, as well as his reply.

"You feel sorry for me?" _Now _he looks away. I can hardly bite back a snort. "You feel sorry for me because you think that you're better than me." He tries to protest but I cut him off. "You're not. You've proven that."

"I know I did. I--" Now it's my turn to look away to let him know that I'm not listening. Not a sign of shame. He sighs. "Hear me out." I slide down in my seat, crossing my legs and folding my arms. I still don't look at him. "All my life…no one accepted me. I was really withdrawn. I had my boyfriend… but… _he _was picked on and I received a lot of shit as well. After he died I went into a deep depression and Trace pulled me out of it. I went from being disliked to being loved almost instantly."

"What's this got to do with me?" I know about his boyfriend. Not a lot. Just minor details, things he told me years ago.

"Hold on, I'm getting to it." He clears his throat to buy time. "Suddenly everyone liked me and respected me and listened to me. Of course, the common link there was that I was friends with Trace. We became really close really quickly, but he had a bad side that you wouldn't want to cross."

_Now_I snort. "I know." Anyone who had a "bad side" at that place let me know it personally.

"So… I'd kind of follow where he would lead. By the time we got to high school, it just became natural."

"…And?"

"I'm almost done, I swear. Then one day he, Kayla, and Nero told me to go and talk to you and be your friend. I swear, Riku, I had no _idea_ what they wanted to do. I _swear_." He speaks faster now, probably to avoid the guilt trip I'm going to give him. "And they told me to invite you to hang out with us and all of that stuff… then it just _changed_. They started making fun of you when you weren't around. They started tell me to quit going around with you, to… do things to you." He pauses to catch his breath. "But… the terrible thing is, I did it. I did it because they told me to, and I wanted them to like me." He puts his hand over mine and squeezes it. I tense up.

DO. NOT. WANT. "Hate me if you want to. Don't blame Trace or Kayla or Nero or anyone else. They told me to because they thought it would be stupid fun. I knew there would be consequences, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I _did it anyway_."

"…I…"

"_They_did nothing wrong. They were good people and great friends. It's my fault. And I've lived with the _sick _feeling of being a murderer every day since then. Riku, I thought you were _dead_." I can't look at him. Fuck, this is too heavy. "If I c--could go back and change it all…"

"You better not start to cry, you pussy." This little jab takes him by surprise: he starts laughing.

"I'm sorry." He says, still grinning. "I didn't mean to get so…"

"Whatever."

"So… how's life now?" Lame question.

"It's better." Lame answer.

"Good." I smirk. I can't help it.

"And yours?"

He shrugs. "It's hard moving from someplace where everyone knows you to a big city where you don't know anyone. But it's such an amazing opportunity. The colleges here are great."

"You gonna go back to Darry?"

Now he smirks. "I'm not afraid of change." He continues eating. When he stops, his expression softens again. "Was Darry really that terrible?" I eat to avoid the question, but I'm royally screwed when I run out of food.

"Yeah. It was."

"Was it because of me?"

I bark a laugh. "Don't give yourself that much fucking credit. It was you, it was your friends, it was school, it was my parents, it was everything."

"…what--"

"You never saw how people treated me, did you?" He cocks his head to the side.

"They picked on you." He says it but what he's really doing is _asking_, hoping I'll say no.

"Of course I was. Zachary, they hated me. They hated how I looked, how I talked… everything about me."

"But I don't understand. I _knew _those kids…"

"You knew kids who liked you. The knew the side of them that was all goody-goody cherry pie. You didn't see what they were like when you weren't around. Even your own 'best' friends."

"But…"

"I was called names, I was beaten up, I had rumors spread about me, I was followed back to Nathan's house at the end of the day and Zachary, those were _your 'friends'_. Don't get me started."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Who was going to believe me?"

"Your dad." He says. "What about him? I assisted at his job for a while, remember? He seemed…"

"_Nathan_ was a fake." He's got me going now and I can't stop. "Yeah, he was sure nice… to _you._"

It takes him a moment for the impact of all the things I've said to hit him. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea… why would they…?"

I shrug. "Ask Nero. Because I don't know." I close my eyes and let out a long, exasperated sigh. "Freaku." I mutter.

"Huh?"

"Freaku." I repeat. He pauses, then smiles despite himself. It's not particularly a happy one though.

"That's what they called you, isn't it?"

"Bingo."

"I'm sorry."

"It's too late for that." I sigh. "When your friends made fun of me… did _you_?"

"What?"

Now I straighten up, looking at him in the eyes to let him know I'm_serious_. "Did you make fun of my with everyone else?"

"Sometimes." The answer actually startles me. It's not so much that he _did _that surprises me; no, it's that he readily admits it.

He never lets my hand go.

"Zachary--"

"Zakku. Or Noah. Or even Zach. But please, Zachary is too impersonal."

"I thought you hated being called Zach."

"I don't hate it. I just… that was what my boyfriend called me and it's always been weird to hear other people say it."

"Zach." I whisper, testing it out. It's not right. It's not him.

"Yes?" He whispers back, leaning over, his face close to mine.

I…

I guess I want to kiss him, but I'm not sure why.

"I have to go." Every word is careful, sharp, overly-enunciated.

"Huh?"

I get up quickly. "Thanks… for the meal, for inviting me… I have to go. It's late," No it isn't. "I promised I'd be back," No I didn't. "So. It was… interesting." I suppose. Before darting out the door, he calls,

"Is this it or am I going to hear from you again?"

"Maybe." I reply. To which option, I'm not sure.

-

Sora's curled up on the couch when I get back, half-asleep. It's only nine.

"How'd it go?" He slurs.

"It was okay…. Go to bed."

"I'm not tired." I smirk, scooping him up. He squeaks and kicks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm going to bed and you're coming with me."

And that's that.

I push any thoughts of Zakku away. Far, far, away.

--

When I wake up in the morning the sun has just barely risen, the sky a pale, pale blue with not a cloud in sight. I turn over and push myself closer to Sora, yanking the covers up to my chin. They cover his eyes. I scoot down to rest my face against his back, throw an arm over him, my chest rising and falling out of sync with his. His chest is bare, warm, as always. I'm not sure how he can sleep like this with how cold it's been getting at night.

But…

We've certainly had to sleep in… harsher climates.

He stirs. He groans, sighs, smacks his lips, turns over. Jumps. He probably wasn't expecting to wake up with my face right up in his. "Oh. Hi. Riku."

"Hi." I murmur. "Were you dreaming?"

"Yeah."

"About me?"

He grins, but it's gentle. It's too early for a full, real grin. "Yeah. Sure." We're closer than ever and I enjoy every second of it. He sighs. "I don't want to go to school tomorrow, Riku…"

"It's almost over."

"I know."

We kiss. "Hey."

"What?"

"During summer, let's go out every day." I smile, I can't help it. He is_too _sweet for words.

"Even though I'll have classes and you'll have camp?"

"…Yeah." And now he's smiling, but the expression goes as quickly as it comes. "Hey," He says again. "Do you… you know… love me?" So I roll on top of him and kiss him hard, hoping that the gesture answers his question.

Because I know I certainly don't have an answer.

-

Monday rolls around sooner than I expected. I'm sitting in English, starting on the morning warm-up, when the speaker in the room sounds. Several kids around me groan. Morning announcements suck.

"Good morning," the principal drones. "This morning students will report to the nurse's office in the B building. Your first period teacher will have a list of students who have permission to leave at 9:45."

What the flying fuck…?

I hear my name being called and mindlessly follow the other kids with 'permission to leave'.

I track down Selphie, first thing. "What's going on?"

She rolls her eyes. "'Physicals.'" And then she yawns, pushing a chunk of brown hair behind her. "You know. Scoliosis tests," What is this, middle school? "Lice checking," What is this, elementary school? "Drug tests." …What is this, prison?

"What, drug tests are legal?"

"If your parents signed 'yes' on your emergency card."

Fuck you, Mr. Hart. Fuck. You.

I idly wait in line, and just do what they say when my turn comes. It_is_ relatively painless, so I don't know why I'm anxious for the results when I get them back, a few weeks later.

"How'd you do?" Sora asks jokingly on the bus ride back from school that day.

"I never got my results." I lie. "You?"

"Negative on everything." He sticks out his tongue and laughs. When the bus reaches our stop, I don't move.

"Riku?" He asks, getting up and stepping off the bus. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see Zakku." He frowns in confusion at the name.

"Why?"

I have no clue. "I'll see you later." I tell him, as the bus doors close. He waves, still looking a bit unsettled as the bus leaves.

-

"Riku? What are you doing here?" Zakku sounds shocked but not at all upset to see me.

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure. I just got from work so I'm kind of tired, but…"

"It won't be long."

He smiles. "It's no problem either way. Make yourself at home." I take one step in and hand him my results. I don't want to look. "…What's this?"

"Tests we took at school. Drug tests."

"…Why are you giving this to me?"

"Just… tell me what it says. There are three results listed, but the first two aren't important. It'll be the last one." The smile fades from his face and he looks increasingly troubled.

"Oh… Riku…"

I take a long, deep breath. "What does it say?"

"You tested positive."

It's amazing how far Sora and I have come-- how truthful our relationship is.

This is something I will not be telling him.

This will kill him and I don't want to hurt him any more.


	25. Sora: Summer

_Note:_Okay, I kind of hate this chapter with a passion but… hey! New characters! And no, I'm not bashing anyone, even if it seems that way… More on Riku's friends in the next chapter. The little part at the end really happened to one of my friends so that's where _that_came from. I've been done with this for forever so I may as well get this over with. XD The next chapter is almost done.

Home  
Chapter 25  
(Sora's POV)

Riku's been going out a lot lately. I guess I should be jealous or whatever, but I'm actually really happy for him because he's finally found a group he 'belongs' with. I just wish he'd let me meet them. Every time I ask he gets this weary look on his face and just smiles.

So he spends less time with me. Whatever. The time we _do _spend together is awesome because we just don't fight anymore. I mean, we were never unsteady, it was never unbearable but… well, Riku can be really weird sometimes. We hang (well, make) out and laugh and just… have a good time. And I never thought I'd be able to say that.

One day I catch one of his phone conversations. I assume first that it's with Zakku, but after a moment I can tell that it isn't. Riku wouldn't be this friendly with Zakku. (I don't think it's really that… _personal_ though. I don't think there's any hatred. I'd say it's just annoyance or irritation or something. He wants to make it seem like he hates the guy, but it doesn't seem that sincere to me.)

He opens the conversation with an exasperated: "_What_?" And a pause. "Oh, hi. No… I thought you were someone else." A beat. He smirks. "I don't know… maybe." He sounds so… playful? "I… really don't know." He glances at the clock, then notices me. "Okay. Sure. Why not?" Huh. He doesn't seem to be mad that I'm practically eavesdropping on him. "Yeah, what about him?" What about _who?? _ "Yeah, we're fine. Why?" Another smirk. "He's _wonderful_." WHO?! More smirking. "Of course not. Because he's fantastic." He glances over at me and just _nods_.

God.

He's talking about _me_!

He hangs up the phone and starts toward the kitchen. "I'm going out again tonight." He says. But I'm only half-listening, prepared to trail him like his shadow until he leaves.

He thinks I'm wonderful.

He totally loves me.

--

Tonight, Riku doesn't come back until the early hours of the morning. I know because he wakes me up getting into bed.

"…Riku? It's 3AM… What are you--" He silences me by smashing his lips against mine.

At least he doesn't taste like alcohol this time. He tastes like himself, for the most part. There's still something… almost off about him, but I guess staying up so late does that to a person. Riku's damn lucky that Dad has been letting him get away with this, especially when you consider all the end of the year tests we've been having.

"Good night, Sora."

"Uh, good night." I guess.

Weird, but I won't question it.

--

"I can't believe how fast the school year went by." Kairi sighs. She and Selphie, plus Tidus, Wakka and I are at the smoothie place that we've gone to the past few half-days at school. Standardized testing sucks, but it's almost worth it to get out of school before noon.

Tidus snorts. "I think it went too slow."

"No one asked for your opinion!" Selphie jumps in. And thus begins the arguing.

"Do they just hate each other, or what?" I mutter to Kairi and Wakka. "They're _always _doing this."

"No, it's just how they are." Wakka replies.

Kairi nods. "You know, I suspect that by next year they're either going to be dating, or one of them will be dead."

"…Huh."

We sit back and watch them get the bickering out of their systems.

"Anyway…" Selphie says. "What's everyone doing over vacation?"

"Tidus and I are signed up for a ton of sports programs." Wakka says at almost the same time Kairi chirps:

"Absolutely_nothing_!" She waits until Wakka finishes speaking and continues. "I'm going to lay on the beach and get really_tan_."

"And get cancer." Tidus adds. She gives him a playful shove.

"I'm going to camp." I say with a shrug. "For three weeks."

Selphie smiles. "Wow, can you live without Riku for that long?"

"I can give it a try." I reply. Really, I don't know whether to be offended or amused by the comment. Riku's been either going straight home or out with his own friends all week, so it's not like I've been seeing him a lot anyway.

"I'm just glad I'm not going to be a sophomore anymore." Kairi jumps in, helpfully. She always knows when something's up, and she always knows how to fix it. "But I guess it's better than being a freshman." God, I feel like I completely skipped freshman year. My old school had middle school go from 7th to 9th grade. Schools here have middle school as grades 6th to 8th.

Not that I'm complaining.

"Been there, done that." Selphie grins. Show off. Just because she skipped a grade doesn't mean she has bragging rights…

"_Nerd_." We all retort at once.

--

The closer it gets to summer, the more and more anxious I get thinking about camp. My thought process constantly switches from: "This is great and I'm going to have so much fun!" to "I'm going to be stuck with a bunch of assholes for three weeks!"

But it's too late now as Dad's driving me up to the little beachfront house that's serving as the boys' cabin.

Or part of it, I hope. Unless there are only going to be like, ten guys, I'm seriously wondering how we're all going to fit in there.

Riku's not even here to see me off, because the first of his classes started today. I wish we could've had another night together like we did after our anniversary, but we were both way too tired. I hope that wasn't a one-time thing…

"Sora?"

"Huh?"

"I love you, but get out of the car. You're going to be late for orientation." Oh… _crap_. I yank the door open and jump out of the car. My knees pop because of the way I was sitting, and I almost lose balance. "Sora!" Dad shouts as I turn to leave.

"What?"

"Your _suitcase_!"

Crap.

--  
I'm a little late so I sneak way into the back, behind a really tall kid. It already feels weird to be away from home. I guess I totally missed the most important part, because people start filing out and I have no clue what to do. I walk up to the closest, least-threatening guy I can find-- a fairly short kid with wild blonde hair-- and ask, "So… what's going on?"

"We're going to our rooms." He kind of brushes me off, but I follow him as he heads to the bulletin board to see who he's rooming with. Suddenly I'm wishing that I knew at least one person here. He finds his name and sees who his roommates are and lets out an excited, "Yes!"

"You're with all of your friends?" I guess.

"Yeah. And some guy named Sora."

…Hold on… "That's me!"

"Cool. I'm Roxas."

"Great! …Now, where the hell are we going?"

--

At least there's more cabins than what I originally saw from Dad's car, because there are a ton of guys here.

Rooming with Roxas is intimidating at first. He's already close with the other guys in our room, Hayner and Pence, and I don't know anyone. We're polar opposites. He's always moody and thoughtful, angsty in a way that you know is partly just from the woes of being a teen, but there's something else to it.

But we hit it off, and we become _inseparable. _ He's like the brother I never had. I think his friends (or Hayner, at least… Pence almost strikes me as being like Goofy in that happy-lala-when-I-want-to-be sort of way) are kind of pissed because I'm kind of stealing their friend away. Well, they get him all the time! I only have two weeks! Roxas is completely _awesome _and it's going to suck when we have to go our separate ways.

We eat lunch sitting next to each other _always_, sometimes with his friends and sometimes without. Once in a while they sneak to the girl's camp to visit another friend who I haven't met. That's where they are today.

"What school do you go to?" I ask. I've never seen him around school before.

"I go to one just a few miles up north from here." He replies, finishing off the last few bites of his sandwich. "Why?"

I shrug. "Just curious."

"I might move, though." He says, after a moment. "Not like, out of state or anything. Just more toward the coast, to where I used to live."

"Where's that?"

"Occiana."

I pause. Hold on…

"_Yes!_" I shout, startling him and a few people at the tables surrounding us. "You have to! That's where I live!" He offers a weak smile. "So… do you move a lot? Is it because of work, or what?"

"No, nothing like that. We moved because of… some stuff, but now enough time's passed where we're comfortable going back."

"…Huh?"

"It's nothing… I was younger when it happened, so… I can't really say. Old news, you know…"

"Oh."

And I don't overstep my boundaries or try to pushing him into telling me more… I leave him alone. But because of the sudden coldness in his eyes, I throw an arm around him. I can see that he's debating whether to go along with it or not, but he does.

--

It's weird being the only gay guy at camp. I'm not sure if I should say anything about Riku, or my own sexuality. I'm sure everyone here is totally cool with it, but in case they're not… I mean, I'm not ashamed or anything, but I have to live with these people for another week. I want to avoid making this experience a hell. Getting called a faggot on a daily basis is an experience I'd rather not repeat. (And that was _before _I even knew I was gay.) But with everyone talking about how they want to get laid or whatever, it's hard to just sit there and nod as if I agree.

The only person who doesn't take part in that stuff is Roxas. He's so introverted I sometimes wonder if he even notices. Maybe he just doesn't care. Although I sort of wonder about him. He doesn't strike me as being gay, but then… Riku doesn't either. But that didn't stop me. Maybe Roxas is bi. I mean, he seems kind of close to Hayner in a strange sort of way. But I could only imagine them having an extremely dysfunctional relationship. Or he's straight and… why am I even thinking about this? It's none of my business.

_That stuff aside, _I wonder how Riku's doing? He's probably busy with his classes and hanging out with his friends. I wonder if he misses me? I hate having to sleep by myself and…

Huh… that's weird. I never missed him before right now.

"Sora?" It's Pence.

"Huh?"

"A bunch of us are heading down to the beach… you wanna come?"

I smile. "Definitely."

--

Lunchtime is almost up, but I don't want to move. The sand is so soft and warm, but the breeze is so cool. When I get back home I definitely need to hang out with Kairi and Riku…

I close my eyes.

"I don't want this moment to end." Pence says. Hayner snorts.

"Sap." He murmurs. Somewhere next to me, Roxas sighs.

"Feels good out here." He says. "…I want ice cream."

"You always want ice cream." Hayner retorts.

"It does sound good right now…" Pence replies.

"I want a popsicle." I say. "Camp food is terrible."

"Popsicle? Blasphemy." Someone mutters, but I can't tell who.

There's a collective sigh, this time because we know we have to get up in about thirty seconds or we'll be late for…hiking, or whatever it is we have to do today. Screw hiking… I just want to lay here all day. Either way, I still have to get up, brush the sand off my pants, and head back to the campsite when Roxas and the others start to head back. But it was nice while it lasted.

--

I'm dreading the last day. We're all packing up silently, not really even making eye contact. It's extra-awkward because this is probably the last I'll see of Hayner and Pence, and this is probably the last they'll see of Roxas. It's the last I'll see of him for a few months. We're too close now to _not _do anything, but not quite close enough to be able to get emotional. We wait around for our respective parents (or parent, in my case) to arrive. I shove my hands in my pockets and stare up at the sky. It's very… blue. It's very… sky blue.

…wait…

"I'm going to miss this." Pence says, finally.

"Not this again…" Hayner groans.

"I'm serious! It's going to be really different next year. We'll all be separated."

I shiver. I feel like I'm intruding on some private moment, and I just_know _I don't belong, even though we've practically been brothers for a whole month.

Pence's parents come to pick him up first.

Then Roxas's. I give him my number to keep in touch until school starts up again.

Then, finally, Hayner's.

My Dad's pretty late, but I don't really mind. We don't talk much. My phone starts vibrating so I pull it out of my pocket. …It's a message from Roxas. It says: _Sora, do you think I'm hot??_

…Excuse me…? A moment later I get a call. From Roxas.

"Hello?"

"Oh, my God, Sora. I am SO sorry. My cousins got a hold of my phone."

"It's okay."

"They didn't do anything mean, did they? If they did…"

"No, no." I assure him. "Of course not."

"Okay, good."

"Hey, Roxas?"

"Huh?"

"Do you think I'm hot?" I ask, then hang up and turn off my phone.

"What was that about?" Dad asks, not taking his eyes off the road. I smile to myself and tell him it's nothing. He wouldn't find it half as amusing as I do.


	26. Riku: Mister

Note: I actually have been wanting to bring Ansem in this story since Runaway because I am the only person in the history or forever who actually liked him. So, obviously that's KH1!Ansem and not KH2!Blondie!Ansem. But really, I don't think it matters too much which one you see him as. It may become obvious later (because as you know, I'm such a glutton for description… ha ha) but I doubt it. Really, he's probably OOC no matter what.  
Note 2: Happy (belated?) birthday!! You rock for always reviewing my fics and being so nice. Too bad this chapter isn't happier. XD

_Home  
Chapter 26  
(Riku's POV)_

Sora left for camp earlier this morning. I suppose I should have went with him, to see him off, but it's a three hour drive there and back and I wouldn't have had the time to "relax" before my class starts.

But it doesn't matter now as I slowly file in, supplies in hand. I suppose the only thing worse than going to school during summer is going to school during summer _willingly _and showing up as early as I do.

Who cares.

The teacher pays no mind as I walk in, only speaking up when I choose a seat toward the back of the class.

"You're the only one here now so you may as well sit in the front." Hesitantly, I obey. I mean, what the hell…

I wish I could remember his name, as it's only been on every sign-up sheet I've turned in in the past three months. Mister… no, it was Professor. (What a hotshot.) Professor… Ansem. That's it. "Name?"

"…Huh?"

"Your name."

"Oh. It's Imakura. Riku."

"You're here early, Riku." I shrug. He's giving me a slight case of the creeps. His deep voice is incredibly bored as he files through papers and even as he talks to me, he doesn't really talk _to _me. When he does finally look up at me, his eyes are hard. He's the kind of guy I'd feel threatened by if I were still a runaway.

I soon figure out exactly what kind of class this is going to be. The first thing we do is take a test to see how much we "remember". But it's not so much that that's weird as the way he talks to us when he's distributing the question papers.

"Professor?" Some kid in the back calls out. "Do you want us to write down the answers--"

"No, I want you to dance out the answers." The class falls into a dead silence until some people find it safe to laugh. "I will be passing out a scantron sheet, bubble in the letters as you normally would. Keep inside the bubble, erase completely, no scribbling like a three-year-old or else your answer will be marked wrong."

The test is simple and I finish shortly. But no sooner do I finish than we move on to another project. Here, we each have our own prompt and we have to write two pages based on a sentence. Some dumb girl asks, "Do you want us to write in pen?"

He doesn't miss a beat, replying with, "If you have a pen, use it. If you don't, pencil is more preferable than blood, and the use of urine is frowned upon." But his voice is dry and he doesn't crack the slightest bit of a smile.

Actually, I think I kind of like this guy.

If nothing else, this class will certainly be interesting.

Later in the week we get our test results and our essays back. I'm completely unsurprised that I did well on both, really. Except that on the top of my essay, in red ink, he's written: _You really like semi-colons, don't you?_

Point taken.

At four, when class is out, Ansem calls me over just as people are leaving.

"Yeah?" I ask, no longer accustomed to addressing adults as 'sir' or 'ma'am'. It's not quite normal to do that here, even if it was normal in Darry. Here, no pushy adults will correct me, no harsh reminders whispered through clenched teeth.

"Sit." …Okay, this isn't good. (What did I do?) I pull a chair over to his desk and sit, waiting impatiently as he leafs through some papers, still really not focusing on me.

"…Yeah?" I ask again.

"Are you considering writing something for this year's national short story contest?"

"…Huh?" The question catches me off-guard. I was expecting… I don't know. Certainly not this. "No… I wasn't aware of it."

"It's a pretty prestigious contest. It runs every year, and it's open to children ranging from ages eight to eighteen, all over the country. The winners receivefairly decent prizes… anything from cash to college scholarships."

"Okay…?" Only now does he look up at me from his work.

"You should enter." He says.

"What?"

"You're a talented writer. You're very advanced for your age. I teach year around, and not just for specialized writing courses such as these, but… I dare say that your essays are some of the few that don't make me cringe." And he's back to work, as I sit here just staring at him. "… You may leave."

"Oh. …And thanks. I'll… I'll take it into consideration."

--

I'm in a good mood on the bus ride back to Mr. Hart's, though I'm not one-hundred percent sure why. My class is full of some talented teens, but being the one who gets pulled aside for something like this is pretty damn cool. I guess you could say I'm a glutton for being complimented. You wouldn't be too far off.

The phone rings almost as soon as I enter the house, so I pick it up. "Hello?"

"This Riku?"

"Yeah."

"Come over. Right now."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"I'll be there."

I leave a note for Mr. Hart telling him that I'm leaving and head off.

I should be able to celebrate, after all.

--

Well.

I don't know how Axel weaseled me into this club or why I agreed to go. This _isn't_ my kind of place. Too many bright lights and loud sounds and sweaty, slutty, drunken people. But Axel seems to be right at home here and I figure I may as well make the best of it, because I'm stuck until he decides to leave. Oh well. At least there's a lot of alcohol and I'm sure someone has a few joints to spare.

I push my way through the crowd to the bar. The bartender's busy so I wait out my turn, searching for some money in my pockets.

…Okay, no money. I could have _sworn_ I left with at least $20.Damn it. I'll have to bum off Axel, but at least that'll make us even. He's borrowed money from me more times that I can count in the months that I've known him. I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Is anyone sitting here?"

"No." The guy who takes the seat next to me is staring at me for some time as I ignore him. When the bartender finally finishes with everyone else, _that guy_ buys me a drink. Okay, maybe this won't be so bad. I actually like the attention he's giving me, even though he's got to be at least twice my age. He's most likely older than Nathan.

Two drinks later and he's got his arm around me. He doesn't look bad for his age, whatever that may be.

"Dance with me," He says, an invitation that comes out as a demand.

"Yes." I answer.

Maybe I had more to drink during the night than I had initially thought. This guy and I have been dancing for only God knows how long now. It's gotta be the alcohol, but I've never been so fucking _horny._He's got me all but pushed against the wall, not so much dancing as he is rubbing and grinding and pressing himself against me. I wrap my arms around him, close my eyes and just… go with it.

Eventually Axel hunts me down and tears me away because he wants to go home. But_damn _I'm too awake and alert and excited. I am _wasted_. So much, in fact, that when I say I'm going back to Mr. Hart's, he actually drags me back to his couch and just tells me to sit. He locks his door and in my stupor I can't figure out _un_lock it.

Maybe it's best I crash here for the night after all. At least for a little while.

-

Shit._Shit_. I didn't really mean to spend the night. It's 11AM and I'm scrambling to get up, to shake off my hangover, to figure out exactly what day it is. Did I miss class?

No, no. It's Saturday. No class today. Crap. When does the next bus leave? Ugh, it doesn't matter. I have no money. Oh well-- at least if I walk I can clear my head a little.

The cool air is always welcome; it helps me calm down a bit. I don't know why I got so worked up. And I hate to admit it, but the dull headache and utter exhaustion are completely worth it. I had fun last night, and with Sora gone I really haven't been having that much fun. And really, even when Sora _is _around…

Well, I figure I at least deserve it to make up for every night I've spent studying.

When I get back, it looks likes Mr. Hart hasn't been here long, either.

I don't think he has any idea that I was out all night.

"Hey!" He says once he notices me. "Where were you all morning?" But he sounds friendly, cheerful. As always.

"Just walking around." Because it's only a half-lie.

"You were out late last night."

"…Yeah." And here is where the accusations come pouring in…

"Next time… just call me, okay? So I know everything's alright."

"…Yeah. Okay." He smiles, pulling out a chair.

"Great. Sit-- are you hungry? I got eggs at the store yesterday."

And thus the day begins as normal.

God… what a huge relief.

But for some reason… I don't know. I'm just slightly disappointed that he didn't realize that I'm lying, that he's handling this situation so calmly. What's wrong with me? Am I really getting that attention-starved?

"I'm not hungry." I mutter, taking the seat he's offered me.

"How've your classes been?" He asks, taking a slice of toast from the plate in front of him.

I shrug. "Fine."

He looks at me and smiles. "Just 'fine'?" I shrug and slide down in my seat a little. After all this time it's more of a bored habit than a nervous one.

"Yeah. The work's hard and the teacher's nuts, but I like it." He reaches out to put his hand over mine then abruptly stops. He's been like that ever since I blew up at him in December. Honestly, I'm just surprised that he respected my boundaries at all, let alone keeping it up for six months.

Jesus Christ. I've been here for more than half a year now… I've known Sora for over a year…

"I'm glad these classes are working for you," Mr. Hart says suddenly. I jump and sit back up at the sound. "It'll look good when you apply for college as well-- making up for some of the time in school you lost when…" He trails off. He never just says it, or even talks to me about it. Regardless, I agree with him. We fall into a short silence before Mr. Hart absently says, "It's quiet without Sora." Then I really notice… it _is_.

No one's running up or stomping down the stairs, no one's playing music or typing on the computer or laughing on the phone. It's almost eerie. How was Mr. Hart ever able to live here on his own? It would be too empty, even for me. "I'm going out with Sandy. Will you be fine here alone?" I always have been. He smiles, standing up. Before he leaves, he tells me that Sora wrote from camp. The letter is on the table.

I pick it up and just… look at it for a moment before reading.

_Dear Dad and Riku,_

_I'm having a lot of fun-- my 'roommates' are really cool. I hope everything's going well over there. _Smiley face, heart._ Love, Sora_

How generic. I toss it on the table and start upstairs. When I reach my room I dig under the bed a little. Probably not the best secret spot, I know I'll have to move everything soon… but for now here's my nice little stash, in a corner tucked in a book under the bed. Axel gave me a shitload of stuff so I won't have to go over to his apartment every time I want to get high and I was never really able to decide whether that was just his own little token of kindness or his way of telling me to back off. But he still calls me up to invite me over, _so_…

…I don't know. But either way it works out for me. I just go out on the balcony and smoke pot until every problem in my life, no matter what the size… just… doesn't seem to matter at all.

I wouldn't call myself an addict, really. I don't really feel dependant, I haven't started _craving _it or what have you. It's not really disrupting my life or anything, not really… I've showed up here shitfaced before, but the only time Sora ever noticed was when I was _extremely_ _drunk_, which is just as well because what he doesn't know can't hurt him and he'll _freak if he finds out. _Zakku's been fucking naggy, though, telling me that I should quit because I can kill myself doing this. Yeah, I _know_it's unhealthy and really I _don't care_. When did he decide that it's suddenly alright to care? Seriously, _bite me_.

But whatever. It's okay, it doesn't matter. I feel way too good right now to worry about any of that shit.

I curl up and sleep, feeling the sun warm my skin and the wind blow through my hair and clothes. Happy.

-

Classes run normally until one day that I'm incredibly late. I'm almost worried that by the time I get there, it will have ended. Shit. I was out _all night_ last night, and that's not like me. Usually it's just weekends, but occasionally I'll just do something small on a week night… then the one day before school when we of course had the drug tests…

I'm in deep, deep _shit_.

When I finally arrive, Ansem takes one look at the clock and tells me that I didn't even need to bother showing up.

And the worst part is… _I know_.

And then I still do it again.

I sneak into the club once more, Axel ditching me immediately to go find some of his closer friends. Whatever. I scan the place, looking for that guy that has danced with me almost every time I've come, but I've all but given up when I feel a tug at my hair. Not a painful one, but enough to get me to turn around. It's him. We wordlessly sit at the bar and he keeps loading me up with more drinks until we're too restless to sit anymore, have to get up, have to _do something._

"Hey," I ask a long overdue question. My words are incredibly slurred, even to my own ears, and I'll be surprised if he understands me. "Uh… Mister…what's your--?" And he grins, running a hand over my scalp, through my hair, down my neck. I involuntarily shiver.

"Just 'Mister'. I like that." He presses himself against me and I realize I've pretty much been pinned to the wall again. Tonight I feel like I'm going to be physically ill at the contact. "And you're Cat Ears."

"…What…?" He grins again.

"Halloween. I was talking to the guy passing the pumpkins to throw. I remember you. You were wearing cat ears." …I knew that would come back to haunt me. Damn it, Selphie. I shift embarrassedly, trying not to show how awkward I feel. He presses himself closer, voice low, talking in my ear. "I thought it was cute."

"…Oh." As if that makes it any better… But, actually, it kind of does. "Really?"

"Yeah, I did. I couldn't take my eyes off you." I shift and shudder, looking away. He grabs my face--gently, yeah, but still grabbing-- and tilts my chin up. For a moment, I'm horrified he's going to kiss me. Usually the alcohol calms me, but tonight I'm really hypersensitive. Maybe it's the pot I smoked earlier…? Either way, he doesn't kiss me but he keeps his face real close to my face. I wrap my arms around him, grip tightening every time his hips brush against mine.

"God…" I mutter.

"Come home with me." He says, suddenly.

Even in my complete drunken stupor I can still give him my best 'you're stupid' look, "Are you kidding me?"

He's unfazed. "No." I shake my head.

"Not tonight." Not ever. No. Even though it would be kind of…

No. I have a boyfriend. I couldn't ever… I shake my head again and sigh. Now that I'm actually having to _talk myself out of _sleeping with a total stranger, I know I should get Axel and go. "I should really get going…"

"No…"

"Yeah…" I never realized how close we was holding me until he lets go, and I'm actually surprised when he lets me pass. But before I'm totally gone he grabs my wrist and yanks me back. It startles me so my, "What?" is probably more scared-sounding than it would've been if I hadn't had like, fourteen beers.

"You're coming here tomorrow, right…?"

"Yeah." Even though tomorrow's Sunday. That's fine. I can be a little late to class again.

He lets go. "I'll be looking forward to it." I nod shyly, my stomach now filled with butterflies.

I don't wonder why; I just go and try to find Axel.

--

Oddly enough, I'm not hung over the next morning. Maybe I'm developing an immunity or something. This is the last weekend where Sora's away at camp. I don't know if I'll to start going out less, stop using so much, when Sora comes back. I'd have to be more careful… Heroin before school was _not _a good idea. But I suppose I'm entitled to do something stupid once in a while. I just can't make it a habit. I bet Zakku still has my results sheet… I never took it back. It's been a month, hopefully he threw it out.

The phone rings, and I'm the only one here to answer it. Mr. Hart is gone all the time, and it's almost like when I first lived here, before we started school.  
Except that Sora's not here, either.

If I weren't used to having a house to myself, I'd say it's kind of lonely.

I finally make my way downstairs and pick up the phone.

Speak of the devil…

"What do you want, Zakku?"

"I just wanted to know how you're doing." He sounds so casual, so ho-hum that I can picture him sitting on the counter, shrugging at his reply. I shove my free hand deep into a pocket.

"Fine. Is that all?"

"You still using?" I wouldn't be surprised if the phone snapped in half with how tightly I'm holding it now. I hate the way he says it. Hate that he asks.

"_Yeah_."

"Don't bite my head off-- I just…" He pauses, drawing in a loud, steady breath. "I worry about you, I guess."

"Well, don't."

"I know I'm nosy. I'm sorry." I shrug now, not caring that he can't see me. "It's just… …Hey, are you still here?"

"I am."

There's an awkward silence before he embarrassedly adds, "Look, if you ever need to talk or anything… I'm here, okay?"

"Yeah. Whatever."

"I just want you to know that I… uh… I really do care. You know that."

"Yeah. …Whatever. I gotta go."

"Oh. Alright. I'll talk to you later then?"

"Sure." And I hang up from this painful conversation.

God, Zakku.

You picked the wrong time to decide to care.

-

I can't believe it, but I'm actually kind of anxious that Sora will be back from camp soon. Yeah, I've been busy with my own stuff but after being late to class a few more times, I'm not going out so much anymore. I'll save it for August or something. But skipping the parties really doesn't allow me to be too… social, I suppose.

Okay, so I'm a little bit lonely.

Just a little bit lonely to the point that I'm getting to classes even earlier, finding reasons to miss the bus in the afternoon.

Mr. Hart isn't ever around anymore. I'm sick of always being left by myself.

"Riku, why are you avoiding going home?" Ansem asks one day, looking up a bit from a paper he's grading.

"I'm not." I still shudder at the word 'home'. Involuntary reaction. "It's just…" I drop it right there. Hell, he didn't ask for that much information, so why give it to him?

"Just what?" Shit, he was really listening? He couldn't look more bored if he tried.

"You know. No one's there in the afternoon. It gets boring."

"So you hang around school all day with an old man?" He looks up, finally, not hiding the amusement in his voice or on his face.

"…I missed the bus." I retort weakly, looking away.

"Uh huh." Shrugging, I dig my hands deep into my pockets. "Riku, go home." I look up at him and nod, and leave without saying another word.

I visit Zakku. It's a long, long walk and I could have been back at Mr. Hart's house a long time ago by the time I've reached the apartment. If you're not home, you jerk… I knock then knock again, and this time I hear some sort of movement coming from behind the door.

Well. He's not out, then.

"Riku?" He always sounds surprised to see me, as if I'm some long-lost relative returning home after ten years or what have you.

"Hey."

"Hey! Come in!" He ushers me inside. "Make yourself at home. You caught me just in time." I sit on the small couch, feeling oddly uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry for just dropping in like this."

He smiles, putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing. "It's okay. I don't mind."

"…Yeah."

"But… I was just going to the store to pick up something. You can hang around here until I get back, if you want."

So again I'm left all alone. I shouldn't snoop around his place, I really shouldn't… but I do. Everything is spotless, in its little place. I glance into what must be his bedroom. It's frighteningly similar to his room at his house in Darry, if not shrunken down a bit: his twin bed in the center of the far wall with a chair in one corner and a tiny desk at the other. Shelves aligning the otherwise empty walls. I can't help but note the pictures of Trace and his other friends on his desk and what I think is a box of condoms sitting innocently on his laptop.

Gross. But at least he won't be bringing any demon spawn onto this planet. I sit back on the couch, feeling so out of place that it's not even funny. I jump when the door flies open about twenty minutes later. When he looks at me he gives me that now all-too-familiar smile.

"Good, you're still here."

"Yeah." I reply. "But… I guess I should go."

"What? Why?" He's just as confused as I am. Really, why did I come here in the first place?

"Thanks for letting me stay."

"Anytime." He says, dropping his paper bag on the counter and rushing to the door, handing me a sheet of paper before I leave. "You can have your drug results back."

"What the hell? You kept this?"

He ignores my commentary. "I think you should show it to your…" He struggles for a word before deciding on "guardian." He sighs. "I know I'm not your mommy. But I just… you know. Think about it."

"It's the right thing to do." I remark dully.

"It is." Zakku agrees. Taking care of Sora, studying, behaving… well enough, generally. I'm sick of doing the right thing. I push his hand off my shoulder and turn, walking out.

I still have the paper, even though I should just trash it.

What to do, what to do.

I tuck it in that same book, way in the back. Maybe I'll forget about it and never think of it again. Oops. Silly mistake. Laugh it off.

Or something.

Well, since I'm already up here… that book is right in front of me…

it's three hours until Mr. Hart comes back. I know exactly what I'm doing with that time.

And I don't care if it's wrong or right.

Not anymore.


	27. Sora: Problem

Home  
Chapter 27  
(Sora's POV)

It is _so_ good to be home. When I finally get back the first thing I do is collapse on my bed, tugging my jacket off and throwing it to the floor. I bury my face in my pillow and sigh, glad to be back in my own room. Dad calls me downstairs. Before I leave I get my jacket, which somehow got pushed under the bed. I get on my hands and knees, reaching under the bed and pulling it back. But there's something else under the bed and now I'm really curious to see what it is.

It's… a little plastic bag. With white powder in it.

…Oh God. My heart is pounding as I search under the bed, taking out everything, including a big dictionary. I see some unnatural spaces between clumps of pages and open to every single on of them. Drugs, drugs, more drugs. And finally, a sheet of paper, torn from age.

Riku's drug test results from so long ago. It shows positive for "unknown substances". Christ. I run like _hell _downstairs, screaming. "DAD!!!"

"What? What's wrong?" Normally he seems amused when I make a total idiot of myself like this, but he seems genuinely disturbed now. I'm_panicking. _

"Come upstairs, come upstairs, come upstairs--"

"Calm down, I'm coming."

I grab his arm and lead him into Riku's and my room, almost like a child would. It takes him a moment to see what's so upsetting. He looks at me then looks around a bit… then spots the book.

And draws in a quick breath.

And sighs. "Well… damn." He says.

"What do we do?" I ask quietly, more to myself than to him.

"_You_are going downstairs. I'm going to throw out all of this crap and then… we just wait for Riku."

"Where is he, anyway?"

He sighs. "I have no idea. And that never bothered me until right now." He shakes his head and grabs the trash can while I head downstairs. I have no words. I'm so pissed off at him that I can't even talk but at the same goddamned time I am so _worried _for him. God, Riku, where are you? Come home so I can yell at you.

I can't _stand _all of the emotions I'm feeling at once:  
I'm worried for him because he's on drugs, and who knows how long that's been going on for.

I'm pissed off at him because he hid it from me and Dad.

I'm annoyed thinking about how all the times he's been out late or ditched me, his _boyfriend_, and my friends was to go get high.

And I have the _overwhelming _urge to just take him and hold him and make whatever problem he's having to just disappear.

I am _so _going to kick his ass…

So Dad and I sit on the couch and wait.

And wait.

And wait. Until Riku finally comes home, late in the afternoon. He's clearly startled that we're both just sitting here in silence on the couch.

"Hi," He says, lingering in the doorway. "Sora…." I don't look at him. I can't. "What's wrong?" He walks over, but still keeps a distance. Every time his eyes meet mine I find something else to look at.

Dad's very frank about it. "Why didn't you give us your drug test results?" For a split second, Riku looks positively horrified. He stares at the ground, hair falling over his face. Dad has the old drug test results in hand.

"I was going to…" He starts, but doesn't finish. I stand and leave, sitting on the staircase. I can still hear what's going on, can still get a glimpse of Riku standing by the couch… but I don't know if I want to or not.

"Riku… what are you _thinking_?"

"I…" He finally submits with a shrug. Dad reaches out, putting a hand on Riku's shoulder.

"Do you need…" He starts a sentence a few times before deciding on, "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" I think Riku and I are both equally surprised about how calm and civil Dad's being over this. Personally… I thought he was going to kick Riku's ass.

"This has to end, Riku." He doesn't speak. "You know we're here for you every step of the way."

"I don't want to quit." Riku says quietly.

"What was that?"

"I'm not quitting."

Dad sighs in exasperation. "Yeah, you are. You can't do this, Riku. You have a lot on your shoulders, but you can't just throw it away like this."

"Who says I'm throwing _anything _away?" Riku asks. "I'm going to school…and doing well, at that. I'm still _here. _I'm not dead or dying. I'm fine, really."

"You were late three days in a row."

"Huh?"

Dad continues, "To your classes. You were late three days last week. Once you were an hour late, once later. One day you didn't even go. They _call me _to tell me those things, Riku!"

"I made a mistake. It won't happen again."

"No, it won't. You're not going out anymore." I expect Riku to fight it, to argue, to leave.  
He doesn't.

He says, "I'm going to my room." And that's it. When he walks past me he stands still for a moment. He glances at me. "Sora?"

"_What_?"

"Don't be pissed at me, just--"

"Why shouldn't I be?" I spit out. "Every time-- _every time_things are going well you have to fuck it all up." He crosses his arms, looking away from me.

"I…"

"How long?" I have to know.

"How long _what_?"

I draw in a deep breath. "Since we met?"

"No. More recent than that." He pauses. "Well… once. When we were running away. But only once."

"When was that?"

"The pills that I took that one time… at the park… were…" Oh God, no…

"Oh." Is all I can manage to get out. Of course it was the only time he actually seemed happy. Of course the one time where he wasn't scaring me, he was on happy pills. Or whatever. "When did you start then? Regularly, I-I mean…"

"I don't know. I started around March maybe. But that was just… occasionally…"

"…Oh."

"Really occasionally. Maybe… once or twice a month."

"But now…?"

He shrugs. "More often. But…" He hesitantly puts his hand on my shoulder but I shake it off and run downstairs, continuing out the front door, slamming it behind me. I don't even now where I'm going now, running down the street, away from the beach, away from Riku. I end up at that little grocery store that the old lady owns. She's not here today. I don't look where I'm going and slam right into someone walking out. He's still standing but I fall, sprawled out on my back.

"I'm sorry." I say absently. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," He says. I recognize the voice.

"Zakku?"

"Oh, hey…" He trails off, reaching out to help me up.

"Sora." I fill in for him.

"What's wrong?" And at that, I begin to _sob_. I can't help it. He looks around, puzzled and probably embarrassed. People are staring. "Come on, come with me." He never lets go of my arm, leading me to his car, even opening the door for me. I slide in, curling up on the front passenger's side. He doesn't seem to mind about my shoes on the seat, so I stay this way. I keep crying, shaking uncontrollably. He sits there the whole time, only speaking when I calm down a little. "Sora? What happened?" I'm quiet for a long time before replying.

"I just thought that everything between me and Riku was going so well. We never fought, we were always together, I finally told him that I'm in love with him and he was being way nicer than he used to be… we weren't hanging out as much because we kind of have our own friends, but that was alright… I mean, he was still around and all." I wipe my face on my shirt and continue. "Then I go away to camp and suddenly Riku's on hard drugs and ditching school and I don't know what to do." I start crying again. "I'm so scared for him. I love him so much."

Zakku shakes his head and sighs. He mutters to himself, "I knew he wouldn't tell you. He makes things really hard for himself… It drives me insane."

"You knew?" The voice doesn't sound like mine, still thick with tears.

"…Yeah. I did."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

He sighs, running his fingers through his dark hair. "Because that's not my job. If anyone was going to tell you, it had to be Riku himself."

"Why didn't he tell _me_?"

"…Wait, what?"

"I found out on my own. God… I'm his _boyfriend _and he wouldn't tell _me_! Do you have any idea how much that _sucks_?"

"I'm sorry."

"So am I! Jeez… I'm so mad at him." I wipe my eyes again and sigh, leaning back. Hesitantly, Zakku reaches out and touches my shoulder.

"I know Riku's really an asshole most of the time. But… he wouldn't try to hurt you on purpose. He really… he really does love you, Sora. You just have to have faith in him."

"You think that…?"

"Yeah. I do." We're quiet for a long time. Zakku reaches past me, opening the glove compartment, pulling out some napkins and handing them to me. I clutch them tightly, in case I suddenly start to cry again.

"Riku doesn't love me." I say, suddenly, to no one in particular. The words are nasty, but I think they're the truth. My… friend(?) looks up. "He's made that really clear. I don't know why I…"

Zakku closes his eyes, sighing again. "Riku loves you. It's obvious. I can tell from the way he looks whenever he talks about you. The way he talks about you… it's like he's suddenly perfectly happy." I don't respond. "I honestly think… that you can help Riku."

"He doesn't want my help. Never has."

"But he needs it. That's more important than what he _wants._"

"I guess." I finger my cell phone in my pocket. "Hey, do you mind if I call my Dad…?"

"Go ahead." I dial home and Dad picks up after a few rings. I tell him I'm with a friend; Zakku doesn't seem to mind the title. Then I tell him I'll be at Kairi's. Finally, I call Kairi and ask if I can come over. If she says no, I'm screwed. (She doesn't.) "Want me to drop you off somewhere?"

"My friend Kairi's. If that's okay."

"It's fine." He assures me, smiling. "Just tell me where to go."

--

When we get over to Kairi's mansion… I mean, house, I thank Zakku about a thousand times. He really didn't need to be so nice to me. He tells me it's no problem.

I open the car door and am about to leave when he stops me.

"One last thing," He says. "Look… I like Riku. A lot. And he's never had anyone who will really pull through for him. So… just… be there for him, okay? And be good to him."

I try to smile and fail but still manage to respond with, "I always have."

When I get knock on the front door it sounds as though Kairi's been waiting for me. She's about to say something then takes one look at me and stops. "Sora? What happened?"

"It's nothing." I say, but I know she doesn't believe me. "It's Riku."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Oh." We walk into the living room and each take a reclining chair. "…Want to watch a movie or something?" Not really.

"Okay." Because watching a bunch of thirty-year-olds pretending to be high schoolers is just what I need to get my mind off of him.

Bastard.

We end up watching movie after movie and the next time I look at the clock it's really late in the evening. I guess I'm sleeping over, then. Her parents know I'm gay so they've never had a problem with me staying the night.

"You okay?" She asks later. She's slurring a little and her eyes aren't totally open.

"Yeah. I'm feeling way better. Do you want to finish the movie or just go to bed?" No response. "Uh, hello?" Okay, she's snoring. This is bad. I move over to the couch and try to sleep.

--

I wake up at eleven. I'm still tired and groggy and feel like crap. Kairi's awake but still curled on the chair.

"You're going to have fun trying to get up." I tell her.

"I've been awake for like, three hours. I think my back is broken." I stand up and stretch.

"I should go. Thanks for putting up with me."

"Yeah, no problem. It's a struggle, but I can handle it."

"Do you need help getting up?"

"No. Thanks." I wave before I go, but she's not looking. If I walk slowly to the bus stop I shouldn't be waiting too long… I can't wait until I can drive. That'll be so much more convenient. No more working my schedule around the bus's or my Dad's… I'll have to talk to him about that today if I even _see_ him. I swear to God, he's been gone more and more lately. I hate it.

But maybe just for today the wait is a good thing. Maybe I'll get lucky and Riku won't be home this morning. I can't face him. I'm still mad at him for keeping this from me. But of course, with my luck…

Nope. He's home and Dad's not. "Hey," He says, sounding a bit startled.

"Hey," I mumble. I'm prepared to walk right by him until he takes my hand and gently pulls me back.

"Sora…" Oh, jeez… he looks so pathetic. I wonder if he's high right _now._(Bitter? Me?)

"I'm going upstairs." I tell him, leaving without so much as another glance in his direction.

"I'm coming with you." He replies. _Great_.

I'm not totally sure what changes when we get to our room. I feel like absolute _crap_ but my mood improves just a little as Riku puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. So I let him talk, then I let him kiss me, then all of the sudden I totally don't mind as he puts a hand in my jeans. I know exactly what he's doing and I know I'm a huge idiot… but… right now, it just feels good. I don't want to think. He starts to pull away but I grab his wrist before he can. "Don't." I mutter. So we keep on and for a while I feel that much closer to him, closing my eyes and melting at the touches. I hope this moment never ends.

"Sora," He says carefully.

"Hm?"

Riku pulls away now, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I'm going out for a while."

"…What?" I sputter more _at_ him than _to_ him, scrambling to get up. "But Dad said…" He smiles at me, but it's one of those smiles you'd give a little kid.

"Sora… I don't care what your Dad said. I'm going out. Go ahead and tell on me; I don't care."

"Wait." I call, just as he turns to leave. "Our anniversary… when you couldn't make it… you were out, weren't you? With your friends." He's quiet.

"Not for most of the day." He replies honestly, leaving. I turn over, burying my face in a pillow, breathing deep and trying to think of other things, because it's all I can do not to cry. For once, I wish he had lied.

I feel headachy and disoriented when the phone rings, forcing me out of bed. Whoever's calling is really persistent. They call three times, one right after the other.

"Hello?"

"Sora?"

"Yeah…"

"Hey, it's Roxas." I can't help but perk up just a little bit at the name.

"Roxas? Hey! How are you?"

"Fine. I moved back."

"…Here?"

"Yeah. I meant to tell you a lot sooner, but I got so busy…"

"No, that's fine! So you'll be going to my school this year?"

"Sounds like it."

"That's great." Good news is just what I needed to keep me from going batshit insane.

"Yeah…" He trails off almost bashfully before asking, "Want to help me unpack?" I nod, always forgetting that it's not like he can actually see me. "Hello?"

"Er, yeah. Just tell me where to be and when." After he does I leave right away, eager to get started because, really, it'll distract me from the bucket of crap which is currently my life. It probably takes me more than a half-hour from the moment I leave the house to get there. The bus ride's a longer one than I'm used to and his house is tucked away and pretty hard to find. It doesn't help that I'm really not used to this area of the city. It looks kind of far away from the school, though, so I wonder why he doesn't just go to the closer of the two? It seems way more convenient. I ponder all of this as I ring the doorbell, once, twice, three times, four times, wondering if I even have the right address. If I listen closely I can hear someone stomping around inside.

Roxas emerges a moment later.

"Hey, sorry. I was up in my room and by the time I heard the doorbell ring…. And I had to fight my way past the boxes…"

I grin. "It's okay, really. So, how are you settling in so far?"

With a shrug, he answers, "Fine," leaning against the door frame. "You okay?" He examines me closely for a moment. If he weren't my friend I'd be a little unnerved. "You seem... different." I laugh too quickly, too loudly.

"Summer does that to people." I reply. I don't think he's buying it, but at least he's classy enough to not speak up about it. "So, you're doing fine here?"

"Yeah. This _is_ where I used to live." I knew that. I don't know why I kept pressing him for answers. "Anyway... come in."  
Roxas's house is awfully gray and depression-inducing, like the whole thing is a big, faded picture. But from the cans of paint (with... very interesting names, like Icy Green and Mellow Yellow) laying around, it looks like the house'll be fixed up soon enough.

"Where are your parents?" I ask as we ascend up the stairs.

"Running errands." The stairs are almost flat on top of each other; Roxas's room is just as stylized and quirky (if not dark and sad-looking) as the rest of the house. It's really cool. I'm jealous. Right away I take a seat on his bed. He wasn't kidding: it's as if his whole house has been caught in an explosion of boxes. They're taking over. It's insane how much stuff he has, even if the bulk of it is all heavy clothing. He has a lot of really oddballish things, too, like the rubber stress ball with a little crystal inside that I can't stop playing with. "You _could _be helping me out a little." He says, tossing a shirt at me.

"I'd rather not."

"Lazy ass." I throw the shirt back at him. It lands right on his shoulder. He shakes it off and throws it in a drawer.

"It's your crap!" I laugh, but he doesn't. "...Hey."

"What?"

"Why'd you move back here?" That sounds really weird, so I cover for my mistake. "I mean, I'm glad that you did. But..." He stops loading his drawers with socks, arms dropping. The pair he was holding falls out of his grasp and rolls under the bed. He looks... sad? Upset? Thoughtful? But that look as gone in an instant.

"No reason." He says. I jump when the door downstairs slams, causing the windows in this room to shake. Roxas seems unfazed.

"We're home!" A woman shouts. Roxas grabs my arm, dragging me out of his room, hastily introducing me to his parents. His mom doesn't really look like him and is way young, while his dad looks a little more like his son. He's got to be younger than my Dad, but he's definitely got a few years on his wife. They both look at me for a while, ask me some questions about myself, and go on their way.  
Weird. After all that time, we're only halfway done unpacking when Roxas gets called for dinner and I decide I should really get home. It's going to get dark soon and I want to get back before Dad gets home from work so at least someone will be there.But I'm wrong on both accounts.

When I get home its still light out, though barely, and both Dad and Riku are home. Neither of them are looking too happy. "You okay, Riku?" I ask, trailing my boyfriend into the kitchen. He doesn't respond right away and when he finally does, his answer is harsh and sarcastic.

"I am _fine_," He says. "Ask your Dad. He seems to know everything about everyone."...Uh oh. This isn't good.

When I go to talk to Dad in his study later that night, before I can speak, he absently says: "Maybe you should stay with your mom for the remainder of the summer. It's really about time you see your mother again… and maybe I could get Riku some help without getting you involved. I don't think you need the stress, do you?"

"No… I guess not…"  
Suddenly, I think I know exactly why Roxas moved. This isn't good. This _really _isn't good.


	28. Riku: Problem

Note: Here's a really short chapter. I just wanted to get another one up before I skip town for a week or so. I feel like I'm missing some big event in here… but oh well. Again the writing's shaky… I essentially wrote this whole chapter between classes today. I kind of like the parallel between the start and end of the chapter, but that's really it. Oh btw, what's with the lack of reviews the last chapter?  
(Just kidding.)

_Home  
Chapter 28  
(Riku's POV)_

Life gets really chaotic around the time of my seventeenth birthday. There was some talk of Sora going to stay with his mom, but that never really came to be. Fuck, one more year and I am finally on my own for good. I can't believe it. I can't _wait_. On my birthday I was stuck back at Sora's place, but I _really _wanted to be _here_. I'm flying _really _high on ecstasy, with Mister, so life's perfect. His every touch seems electric, pleasure that's been magnified 2000 percent. I never knew it was possible to feel as amazing as I do now. "Hey..." He breathes it into my ear. "How..."

"Hm?"

"How old are you...?"

"Sixteen." I say for some reason, even though I'm not. Not anymore. He seems impressed rather than repulsed.

"Really? You seem so... mature."

"Oh yeah?"

"I thought you were twenty." I can help but grin, taking notice that he's pressed up closer to me than ever, and nipping my ear once before pulling away. People have told me I look older before, but…

"Hey, come on, time to go." Axel rudely interrupts our moment.

"I don't want to go." I slur at him. He grabs my shoulder, pulling me back.

"Too bad." He gives Mister a short wave with which the man coolly responds to with a single _look_.

"I'll see you tomorrow, right?" He asks, stroking my face, a warm finger running over my bottom lip. Next to me, Axel gags then grins. A Cheshire cat smile. I ignore him, nodding almost shyly to Mister. He smiles.

-  
The walk back to Axel's is always a short one. The house is almost right behind the club, in the same dirty area. We pass countess dealers and whores, all of which Axel can greet by name. They'll come up to us, see Axel, and back off. When we arrive at his place, the door is open ajar. Axel is unfazed.

"Who's there," He calls boredly. Marluxia and Larxene. I've seen them just a few times before. Axel nudges me deeper into the house as he talks with his intruders, dismissing me with, "You know where everything is." I make myself at home in his room, taking whatever I can get my hands on.

I used to be afraid of needles.  
Not anymore.

I can't imagine living without injecting myself with something once in a while.  
But then, I'm not really afraid of anything anymore. Not when I am so free. I am infallible, invulnerable, invincible.When I wake up in the middle of the night, the TV is on in the next room, stating blaring from ancient speakers. When I muster the strength to stand, I wobble over to the living room. I think I overdosed myself just a little. Marluxia's long gone, but Larxene is still here, and she screams at me when I turn the TV off. It startles the fuck out of me. I turn it on and quickly retreat to Axel's room. He crashed on the couch, so I take the bed, trying to ignore the sounds from the idiot box as I fall into an exhausted sleep.  
-  
_For the remainder of the night I dream of all the fighting Mr. Hart and I have been doing. Maybe it's guilt trying to eat at me through my dreams, I don't know.__I dream of, "You weren't supposed to be out."_

_and, "You need to stop using drugs."_

_and, "Why do you care, _sir_? You're never here..."_

_And my yelling and his _face _never changing, never getting angry, never taking the bait._  
_Never screaming back._  
-  
I wake up feeling shitty, with Axel nestled between the sheets by my side. The hell? "What're you doing..." I mutter. He noisily turns over. Grumbles something I can't understand. Well, this is an invasion of personal space I could have done without. But I guess it's at least nice to be sleeping next to someone since Sora and I... aren't exactly... sleeping in the same bed anymore.

God I'm tired. It's only 8AM. That's way too early to wake for how late I was out last night. I sleep for at least three more hours, somehow making my way to the bus stop when I need to in order to get to class on time. Ansem takes one look at me and tells me to leave. Okay. Whatever. It's not like this class is worth anything. I'm not even being graded. I think. I only have a few more sessions anyway...

"School's starting soon." Mr. Hart says when I get back. "Two weeks."  
He puts a gentle hand on my shoulder: the first in a long time."Before school's back in session, let's get you some new clothes." ...Huh? It's not that I don't need it... I've been losing a lot of weight lately. But... "And we can have lunch and just... talk. I think we need to talk."

"I... guess so..." I'm surprised and disgusted with how easily I submit to him. He smiles at me and gives me one gentle pat on the back before going to his study...Okay? So what now, is Sora just going to suddenly come and say he wants me to share his room again? This is too weird. I barge into the study, startling Mr. Hart out of his thoughts, his work.

"Why don't you hate me?" The words are unintentional, tumbling out of my mouth. He looks confused but replies anyway.

"Nothing you do could make me hate you." I leave as quickly as I came, unsatisfied with his answer.

Part two of my odd prediction somewhat comes true.  
So, Sora's been spending a hell of a lot of time with his new friend lately. I can't stand it. You'd think that the time I spent at home he'd be with me, but no, not Mr. Busybody. So, one day he comes home from an "outing", looking... under the weather. I take the bait and ask him what's wrong.

"Roxas and I want to go to the beach before summer ends, but I can't swim. I avoided it at camp but I can't anymore."

So I say, "I'll teach you." His face lights up.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

"...Right now?"

"Right now." He looks at me carefully, as if I'm about to bite him or something

."...Okay, Riku. Sounds fun."

-  
We head to a beach that's not the one I go to. We have to take the bus there. It's a somewhat busy day. And why shouldn't it be? Summer's ending. He's happier than I've seem him in a while; eager, eyes shining.

The minute the bus doors opens, Sora and I are running out, off of the pavement and onto the sand, into the water. Sora stops once he gets in waist-deep.

"Okay, now what?"

I take his hand, leading him further out into the sea. He's clearly nervous, twittering and chattering nonstop. I haven't been swimming in so long I don't even know why I'm doing this. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I...  
But I remember enough to show Sora the basics, just enough so he feels comfortable with the actual swimming part. Once his feet can't touch the floor he starts to freak out. I come up behind him, holding him, treading water with my feet, though my toes just barely scrape the sand. I take his hands in mine, gently guiding him, showing him what to do. His head lolls back, resting on my shoulder, eyes shut. I press my cheek against his wet hair. For a single sweet moment we remain like this, floating serenely, just us, and I actually start to remember why we were so great together and...a huge wave rises out of no where and _attacks us_. For one shaking moment I have no idea what's going on. My senses are overloaded. We get pushed back ashore, sounds of other people, dogs, traffic all coming back. A reminder that the outside world still exists. And Sora's laying at least a foot away from me.He gently reaches out, trying to hold my hand. Our fingers bump and brush against one another's. The warmth of the sun and sand feel good… It's incredible. "I love you," He says, I think. The calmness is nice: so different from the chaos of clubs and drugs and writing. The contrast is completely welcome.

The sun is setting when we board the bus. I'd better not have a sunburn...The whole atmosphere is calm and light from the moment we get back. Dinner isn't quiet, but I'm not fighting with anyone either. It's kind of nice... But I don't know why it bugs them so much when I go out again tonight.

"I promised..." I start, but I don't want to say it. And they don't want to hear it.

-  
I feel weird when I'm out, so I leave early and head to Zakku's, lazing around while he does essays and busywork.  
"Well, I should go." I say suddenly. I can't believe how long I've been here just doing absolutely nothing. "Sora's probably having a shit-fit by now."  
He waves silently. The phone rings, he picks it up. I don't know why I linger to see who it is. Zakku's smiling: it must be a girlfriend, or a fuck buddy... or not; He signals me to come over. He puts his hand over the speaker.

"Riku, it's Lauren."

"...Who?"

"Moran."

"What?" I sputter. "How? Why?"

"I gave a bunch of people my new contact info. Lauren was one of them... she really helped me after..." He trails off and shrugs. "A lot of stuff. I had her my freshman year when she was teaching at the high school." He pauses. "She's studying to be a therapist or something now. She doesn't live in Darry any more. Actually, I think she's considering a place here." He smiles. "You want to talk to her?"I want to talk to her, to tell her everything that's happening, about Sora... but at the same time, I'm terrified. First Zakku, then Ms. Moran... who else? If I talk to her, everything will be out in the open. God knows if she'll notify my parents about my whereabouts... I want everyone to think I'm dead. I really do... I shake my head no.

"And please... don't tell her I'm here. Don't tell anybody." He looks puzzled from a moment, but finally nods. He goes back to the conversation and I leave.

Well.

That was... interesting.

After all of that, it's only eleven o'clock. I don't want to go the club again. I guess I'll just go to bed. Or something. I sleep on the whole ride back. No, not sleep, not really. I am just so pulled into my own mind, my thoughts, that I just don't register anything around me. How long has it been since I've done this? God, I hate it. Hate having to think.

-  
_When I got to the club early tonight, I wasn't expecting to see Mister there. He was hanging out with some woman, not dancing, just talking and drinking. When he saw me he introduced us. _

_She was his fiancée. Not anymore, but once. They'd been engaged some odd twenty years ago, breaking it off when they knew it wasn't right, running into each other occasionally._

_He had almost been married._

_When I hadn't even been born._

_-_

I jump up startled, looking around to see if I've missed my stop. I haven't.

The fresh air feels nice, but I still keep reliving that one moment. Overandoverandover…

_"Hey, Kitty… this is Tanya."_

_"That's it? 'This is Tanya'?"_

_"…Sorry. Cat Ears, she used to be my fiancée."_

And then me, just _me, _dumb little kid:

_"…Fiancée?"_

_"Like twenty years ago!" _She was laughing. Laughing at me.

What a slap in the face, what a cruel reminder.

_"How old were you then? Two?"_

_"…I…"_

_ Mister being smug. "A virgin, too..." And I panicked, wondering when I told him that and why I ever would.  
_

I don't want to go back ever.

But then… that's something a little kid would say.

God.

When I get back to Sora's place, I go to my own room, crashing on a bed that I don't have to share anymore. I bury my face in the pillow and--dammit-- _want to cry_.

But then, that's something a little kid would do.


	29. Sora: Minor Meltdown

_Note:_ I have this horrible, sinking feeling that I'm forgetting some big, important event… so this chapter might be heavily edited later. It's not my longest chapter but it's longer than the last, so I guess that's good. It took up 26 pages in my little notebook, so I'm a little disappointed it only translated into 7 in MS word! I think the writing's shaking around the end but, this hasn't really been proofread… Sora doesn't sound too much like how I usually write him. I think Riku (or, my twisted interpretation of him) kept slipping through for some reason. Roxas's characterization sucks. Just a warning.

But anyway… I just wanted this up on FFN as quickly as possible. FFN's weird formatting really messed with chapter 28... I hope it doesn't do that with this chapter too.

So… yeah. Enjoy.

Home  
Chapter 29  
(Sora's POV)

I'm glad that at least the summer ended on a good note for Riku and I. He was around a lot at the end of summer, teaching me to swim, and he's hardly going out anymore. We're inseparable again.

There's just one little problem.

I think Riku gets mad at me when I choose to hang out with Roxas instead of him. He's so possessive and that never _doesn't _strike me as weird. Jealousy doesn't seem very "Riku". Maybe it's because of the times Roxas slept over and I'd kick Riku out of the bedroom so Roxas would have a place to sleep.

But whatever.

I really can't concentrate on that. I don't want to.

The first day of school sneaks up on everyone, but it ends up being surprisingly easy. In my first period class I look around absently hoping to find some friends. Any. I know a few of my classmates from last year. There are going to be a lot of jackasses in this class it looks like… fun, fun. The guy I danced with at the semi-formal last year takes the seat behind me and we chat idly until the door opens one last time.

"Roxas!" I shout. Okay, I guess _that _wasn't necessary. I'm surprised no one's staring. He waves bashfully, probably embarrassed by the attention.

"Hey," Is his delayed reply.

"You look tired." I note as he sits in the seat in front of mine.

"I am." He shrugs and turns around. "I got too used to sleeping in till noon."

"Me too." I laugh, but he doesn't. "…Yeah. You don't know how happy I am to see you." He grins and shrugs.

--

Riku and I have a class together.

Health studies. I'm _stoked._ It's automatically my favorite class now, and the only one worth sitting through. At the beginning of class, the teacher explains the assigned seating, and how that's going to work. We're going to rotate four times throughout the term. The first time is by first name. R, S. Riku and I sit together. Second time is by last names. Hart. Imakura. We're next to each other. After that, birthdays. There are no September birthdays, so Riku and I are together again. It couldn't have worked out better if it were planned. In fact, it's such a funny coincidence that when she announces that the last rotation we'll be arranged by middle names… mine starts with A, and I tell the teacher that. She writes it down. Riku says, "Mine starts with B." We're simply greeted by an incredulous, raised eyebrows look. "…Okay, I lied. It starts with N." A few people sitting by us laugh, and Riku does too. He's really seeming better.

The year is looking up already.

Maybe turning seventeen changed him. Maybe he's realized he needs to set his priorities straight for his senior year.

And I'm starting to think that I may have overreacted to Riku's drinking. I mean, he had nearly three years of work to make up in less than ten months. He needed a break. I spent all summer either at the beach or at the mall with Kairi, plus camp… I guess we just have different ways of letting loose. I'm just glad that it's all over, that he's not acting so freaking _scary_. I shudder, recalling the icy stares, the yelling… and all the while I was just so _worried_about him. I hate worrying. It's not like me and normally I think it's a waste of time. And I think it almost tore us apart. One night, he basically picked a fight with me, went out for about ten thousand hours, then came home and tried to kiss and make up without even offering an apology or any acknowledgement that he was being a butthead.

And I _do _wish it hadn't been drugs. I think all of that stuff is so wrong… the impression that I've gotten from him is that the people he does that kind of stuff with are so _damaged _that I don't think it's good for him… he's not totally better yet and those people aren't helping. No matter how much he insists that everyone's different and I'm just stereotyping and assuming they're all basket cases… I don't know.

At least it's all behind us now. I've even invited him to move back into my room.

--

Right after dinner, Riku stands up, pushing in his chair and setting his plate in the sink. He stands behind his chair, tapping his fingers.

"Yes…?" Dad says.

"I'm going to go out." Riku says carefully, looking at Dad. Oh God. Not this again. "Just for an hour or so. …Is that okay?"

"Where are you going?"

"Just for a walk." Dad seems wary. "I promise."

"…One hour."

It's eight when Riku leaves.

It's eleven when Riku gets back.

I can hear him and Dad arguing in the next room really clearly, and the house has thick walls. "I'm _sorry_." Riku says. "I lost track of time and I missed the last bus…"

"I gave you an hour! You should have been back." Dad replies. "You shouldn't have gone so far that you risked not coming back on time." There's a lull. "You can't do this anymore."

"I said I'm sorry!"

"Your curfew is nine."

"…What?"

"I've let you be completely free and you've proven that you need stricter rules. You've failed proving yourself trustworthy time and time again."

"I wasn't doing anything wrong. I wasn't getting drunk."

"That's not the point!"

"God. Fuck you!" Riku's really loud now. I don't have to struggle to hear.

"Riku."

"Fuck you!" The door slams and Riku barges in; I scramble into bed and act as if I didn't hear a thing.

"What's wrong?" I ask him innocently. He says that nothing's wrong and he's going to bed. That's more like him. But I still can't help but worry after he exploded like that. "I love you so much." I tell him, sliding under the covers. He groans. I kiss his forehead, blurting: "I'm sorry about your curfew." He shoots up like a _rocket_.

"What?"

I blush crimson. I don't know why. "I overheard some stuff."

"…God."

"Riku?" He storms downstairs. I can hear him stomp down every step. Well, damn.

I should have seen _that _coming. At least by now I'm used to sleeping alone!

--

At school the next day I'm tired and sluggish. I must've woken up every hour last night. I'm talking to Roxas in the hall, half-asleep against my locker when someone starts _screaming_.

HOLY CRAP.

_That_ woke me up… We both jump and I grab Roxas's arm automatically. I vaguely recognize the guy, yelling at someone just behind a locker or something. I think his name is Chris. I've seen him making out with his boyfriend a thousand times around campus.

Well, I guess they're breaking up.

Very, very publicly. And loudly.

After all of his yelling I can hear the other guy start, and they're really going at it for a few minutes. I'm surprised no administrators are here yet. After what feels like hours, Chris finally starts yelling again, concluding with, "You weren't even that good in bed!" No one even blinks at the statement, acting as if this is totally normal.

I ask to no one in particular what _that _was all about and a girl quietly replies that they do this every so often. That she's known them both very casually since Middle School.

"Sora!" Chris says. His voice is kind of hoarse, but his hint of a stereotypical lisp is present. How does he know my name? "Eat lunch with me today?"

"Uhh…"

"By the tree where you used to eat with your boyfriend?"

"Err…"

"You two still together?"

"Um, yeah…"

"Awesome. Good for you." I shoot Roxas a half-horrified, half-apologetic glance before ditching him, literally dragged off by Chris. This is going to be a long day.

--

During lunch, Chris doesn't stop talking for one second. Selphie, Kairi, and everyone else are here too, considering we kind of stole their spot. It feels nice to be eating with them again, really. Even though Tidus keeps shooting me dirty looks. Probably for bringing a….guest. Either way, it's all good. I've spent most of my time with Roxas lately, and I haven't even seen Tidus and Wakka since the end of last year. It's nice to be around them again. In fact, I think I see him more than I see Riku. But… jealousy aside, Riku's coping pretty well, I always joke…

Or… maybe he's not so well.

A few nights later, when I go up to take a shower, I notice that we're totally out of soap upstairs. I head to the guest room that Riku sometimes takes and into that bathroom. Bingo. It's full of soap, but as I grab one bar, the rest tumble out to reveal… what a surprise, alcohol. Well, at least it's not cocaine this time. I accept it dully, feeling oddly guilty to once again be the one who finds his stash and gets him in trouble.

…And it appears that Riku pretty much sees it that way, too. He's super pissed off at me. He ends up with kitchen-cleaning duty tonight and probably for the rest of his life, and is none too pleased about this whole thing. While Dad's in his room, I head downstairs. I know Dad didn't want me to try to help… that Riku's being punished… but…

"Hey, Riku." I say. He glares at me. I shiver, picking up a mop and getting started on the floor. Riku murmurs something that I don't quite catch.

"What was that?" I play it up really sweet and cutesy because I feel so bad. He doesn't buy it.

"Stop it." He repeats, louder.

"…What?"

"Go_away_."

"I'm really sorry for getting you grounded. But… I just want to help you. You know that right? We really, really care about you."

"Go the hell away." He continues scrubbing at the counter mindlessly, never looking up at me. "It's your goddamned fault I can't get any privacy around here." I shrug, wanting more than anything to say something about how he shouldn't have started drinking in the first place but I bite my tongue. I set the mop and prepare to leave, gently running my fingers through his hair once.

He punches me.

…What the?! "Riku!" In one swift movement he throws the sponge in the sink and grabs my shirt collar.

"For once in your life… go the fuck away. Leave me the hell alone. And mind your own goddamned business… your pity makes me sick." He's turned me into a stuttering mess. I bet my face is red where he hit me.

"I--I… I'm sorry." I swallow hard, almost wanting to cry. He's actually scaring me. "Dad--"

"You both can shove it." I don't know why I brought him up in the first place; or maybe I was calling for him so he could save me from being killed at the hands of my boyfriend.

I forgot how stupid Riku can make me feel.

"…Riku, come on. Please…" He hits me again; I was expecting _that_ even less than last time. "_Dad_!" I shout. Riku and I start yelling at each other, starting with variants of, "what's wrong with you?" He takes another swing at me and I dart behind the couch, yelling for Dad again. I could probably take Riku if I tried. But… the idea of fighting back has always bugged me. Dad_finally _comes out of his room once Riku chases after me. Fine timing too… I can't dodge him anymore. He once again has me by the shirt collar, grip only loosening when he sees Dad. I take the opportunity to free myself, hiding behind Dad as he tries to calm the hysterical, swearing, and shouting Riku down. I go upstairs and lock myself in my room. I'm shaking. But at least I don't feel like I'm going to cry anymore.

But I feel so overwhelmed… I hate Riku. I _hate him_, he disgusts me, but I feel bad for him. And why? He's a total ass, and Zakku was right. He does these things to himself. But… he wouldn't do this for no reason, would he? He's suffering. That's always what I believed his motivation was: he lashes out in fear and anger, because it momentarily soothes his pain. Even through the jokes and smiles… I don't think that sadness ever went away. There's something seriously up with him. Obviously. So I'm going to have to be a good boyfriend; I'll just suck it up, smile and take it, love and support him. Once he's off drugs for good he'll get better. Dad and I just need to get him to that point where the real healing can begin. The damage, the root of his problem has been ignored for way too long now.

I'm glad it takes Riku a long time to get upstairs. I've calmed down, and he has too. He doesn't apologize… he just says, "I really want to get some sleep."

I say, "Okay." Hating myself just a little for not telling him off. But I know I'm better for holding back.

It blows my mind that after that whole display earlier Riku still kisses me before getting into bed. I don't know whether to be annoyed or relieved. And the worst part is that I kiss back, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my body up against his. He's gotten really thin, pale too. He looks almost as unhealthy as he did when we first met. I close my eyes so I don't see him and think about it, only concentrating on us. He pushes me gently onto the bed and crawls on top of me, kissing up and down my neck. But I don't want that now… I don't want playing or teasing, I just want _him. _I connect our lips, loving every moment of his affection. Our make out sessions are getting rarer and rarer.

Sometimes when I see happy couples in the hallway I want to smack them.

I absently think of Chris, then fall asleep.

--

Riku and I both wake up at 3AM. I don't know why. Immediately we're kissing, hands wandering everywhere and limbs tangled. As we shift around, signing and moaning, I'm taken over completely by instincts I never even knew I had. I push myself against him, suddenly hating how thick and constricting our pajamas feel. He gasps and grunts as I roll on top of him. I pause, waiting for some kind of signal to either stop of keep going. He doesn't resist, so I keep going. The clothes are getting even more frustrating. I really, _really _just want to get the access to his body. I do what I can with what he's giving me until my body _demands _Ido something. This is it. I can't take it anymore. "Riku, please…" I pant, pleading hoarsely.

"Do it." At first I think I heard him wrong but he says it. I nod even though I know he won't see, before yanking down his pants, then mine. My boxers are down by my knees and I'm about to get at his. Man, I've wanted this for so long, wanted him to do me, to love me… but he says suddenly, "Wait. Stop."

"…Oh. Uh… sure. Alright." I climb off him, pulling on my clothes and feeling like a total moron. Thanks a lot, Riku. "Whatever you want." He apologizes.

"Don't be pissed…" He says. "I just… am not ready. Sorry." But he doesn't mean it. And I don't mean it when I say it's alright. That everything's okay. No hard feelings... "But… hey, if you want to…" I shrug.

"Nah, I'm fine." I get up, ignoring Riku when he asks me where I'm going and if I'm mad at him. I really just need a cold shower, even if it's almost 4 in the morning and I have school tomorrow.

When my alarm goes of at 6 AM, we're both exhausted. It takes all of my will to get up and dress. All morning Riku and I bounce ideas of ditching school off each other. "Let's just miss our stop," I say as we board the bus. "Wait a while, then go get some coffee."

"Okay." He replies, playing along. When we get to our stop I get up... but Riku doesn't.

"Riku?"

"What?"

"Come on! We're going to be late."

"...Oh." _Oh_. He thought that I was being serious. He looks disappointed for a moment, but the look vanishes as quickly as it came. I guess fair is fair... I mean, I thought I was going to get some last night.

--

At the end of the day I'm prepared for an uneventful health class... but that's not what I get.

_You're not mad at me, right? _Riku writes in a note and passes it over to me.

_No way! _I pause, thinking of something else to add. _Why would I be mad at you?_

_For what happened last night._

_ I'm over it, Riku._ I hesitate handing him the note. It makes it sound like I was mad at him at some point, but I never was. While he's reading it I pass another note. _No big deal._

_Okay. Thanks. _For what? I'm about to ask him when I suddenly feel his hand resting on my knee, right over mine. I smile at him quickly, looking back at the white board before the teacher tells us to pay attention.  
His hand snakes between my thighs, rubbing me carefully and gently. I rapidly scrawl out, _What are you doing?! _When he doesn't even look at the note I write more._ Are you crazy? _He reads it and grins, hand against my groin now, moving faster. I can't believe this is happening.  
Is it?

Am I going to wake up in a few minutes, panting and sweating? Oh Christ.  
Riku has the decency to stop before it gets serious and writes, _We'll pick this up later, okay?_I look at him and nod. He smiles, putting his hands back up on the desk, where I can see them and they aren't so dangerous.

--

Riku's been going out more and more and it really scares me. I finally confide in Roxas. He's the only person I trust enough to tell these things. I tell him about my Mom, Riku's drug problem, running away... everything. I spill my guts to him the weekend before my birthday. I'm sobbing the whole time. I don't know why.

"...And my Mom never stopped drinking! All she'd do was get drunk and hang out with her newest boyfriend. Whenever she'd talk to me she'd just pick, pick, pick at every little thing I did... she'd call me names: Stupid, queer, useless. She was cold and unpredictable and the worst part is that now Riku's heading down the same dead-end loser path. _Fuck!_" He's quiet. I continue. "I just miss my old friends, Donald and Goofy... I know they wouldn't be able to help, but I haven't seen them in way too long and they haven't been writing me.

I guess I should be glad to have my Dad around, but he's gone all the time! I mean, with everything going on he's home more often but he's still a major workaholic. I wish he could work from home like your Dad does, Roxas." I gasp and continue. "And I miss Sandy, too. I could always talk to her... I haven't seen her in months. I think she and Dad are going to break up. And while all this is happening, I won't get to see my family for the holidays this year. Dad doesn't want them getting involved or getting worried. _God! _What about me and what I want? _And_ I have a project due Monday, too. God, I hate school! But at least the kids there don't beat me up and call me a _faggot_! Oh, and to top everything off, Chris won't stop clinging to me and it's getting _so irritating!_" I bawl until I get a headache and have to lay down. Roxas lays a tentative hand on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay." He says. "You need to tell your Dad how you feel. Call up Sandy. Either break up with Riku or get him sent to rehab. I can help you with your project. You can write Donald and Goofy. And... please tell me his parents didn't really name him that."

I laugh a little despite myself, sniffling. "It's not... it's just what we call him because of his last name." He grins before becoming serious.

"I'm really sorry that your life sucked. But you've come so far... everything is going to work out. You deserve it."

"Thanks."  
But because of the look in his eyes... I can't help but wonder who he's talking about: me, or himself.

"And at least your nickname isn't Goofy." And I laugh again, even though it's a jab at my friend. I guess it's just nice to know that no matter what I have at least one really good, reliable friend. Even if, I now notice, he's never told me anything about his own past.


	30. Riku: Lauren, Sora, Mister

Note: Anyone know what's up with FFN? The formatting for the start of the chapter is always fine, then it just starts to go to crap. Seriously, FFN, what is this! Anyway, this is another chapter I'm not too fond of. I felt like I had the idea but I just couldn't execute it as well as I would have liked. I didn't mean for this to take so long, either… it was kind of draining to write, and proofreading it took me forever. There were so many things that ruined the flow. Hopefully now that I have my written plan again, it should be smooth sailing from here on.

Home  
Chapter 30 (Please, can I stop now? )  
(Riku's POV)

It wasn't as hard to get back into the club as I thought it would be. Lately I'd just been hanging around town, with Zakku, or sometimes drinking with Axel. But now I _am _back and Mister greets me with, "You know we were just teasing, right?" I just shrug. "Tanya comes off strong." And I play it off as if I have no idea what he's talking about.

"Oh, right… I know. I couldn't get out of the house. That's all." He kisses me. I'm not expecting it.

"We missed you. It's like a member of our family left…" I shiver. Sigh. And finally submit with a shrug.  
And let him kiss me one more time.

"We're a pretty dysfunctional family." I comment, looking around. I smirk and shake my head, pushing myself against him. All the same, I guess what he says is true. I rest my head on his shoulder although I'm too tall to be able to do it comfortably. "So does that make you Daddy?" I try not to gag after the words come out, but he loves it. I knew he would.

"Tonight?" He asks.

"Huh?"

"Are you coming home with me tonight?"

"Oh… no… I can't." Lying comes as naturally as it did _before _Sora and Mr. Hart and the ocean and school. "My parents are really cracking down on me, so I have to study… strict school."

"Private school?"

"….Yeah." So _there's _his kink.

"Exactly." If he wants to picture me as the little good boy going bad, then fine. That's his deal. I'd never let him know my real self… first off, he doesn't care. And it's not his business, either. Besides… he's just some guy I mess around with, no need to scare him off.

Secondly… I think it would scare _me _off if he were still turned on despite-or worse, turned on _by _my real life. My real past. I think he would be. But I don't come here to be _myself. _Hell no. I come so I can just get away from everything, everyone… including myself.

But more than anything… I could never sleep with him. He couldn't be my first. Maybe Sora could… hell, we got _really _close that one night. The only thing stopping us was…

I used a strange needle to shoot up with. A while ago. I think it may have been Axel's.

Axel is HIV positive.

How could I put my boyfriend at risk, in danger like that?

Mister snaps me out of my thoughts. "Kitty, what's wrong? You need a drink?" I close my eyes.

"I need more than that." Okay, shit. I didn't realize how that sounded. I'm prepared for him to be on my ass all night after little comment… but he doesn't make any jokes, offers, or advances. Not a one. He reaches into his pocket and pulls something out.

A joint.

He hands it to me, playfully asking, "You know what this is for?"

Yeah, I know. This is your way of lowering my inhibitions so I'll jump into bed with you, isn't it? But I don't say that. Instead, I give him a sad little pleading look. "Can I?"

"It's all yours, Kitten." Oh, thank God. Thank God. When I take it too quickly, too naturally, he raises his eyebrows.

"Well, aren't you a pro." He says. "That's not healthy, Cat Ears."

"Neither is drinking all night with older men." He smirks.

"Touché. But…" He pulls me close. "You're not with '_older men_'. You're with _me_."

I sway slightly to a fast song pulsating in the background. "Touché."

The following night Axel and I drop by a party store before hitting the club. Mister is already wasted. Looks tired. "Hey," I say. He passes me his half-empty beer automatically. I drink it all in one, long sip. He looks up at me at the sound of the glass slamming on the table; his face brightens.

"Cat Ears! You have… cat ears!" He reaches up and for some reason I wince as he touches them before running his fingers through my hair. He orders drink after drink and we both end up drunk off our asses… but I'm not too drunk to realize how aggressive he's being tonight. He walks way too close to me and when we dance, he gropes me and grinds against me so hard it's uncomfortable. This whole moment is painful. Later, a second guy comes up to dance with us. He's older than me for sure, but I wouldn't say he's older than Axel. Even though the situation itself isn't too unusual, I still can't figure out whether I love this or hate this. After he asks me to come home with him again and I refuse, Mister grabs my arm and starts leading me somewhere. The other guy distantly trails behind.

"Where are we going?"

"Bathroom."

"Why?" He pushes me in, the door slamming behind us. "Why?" I ask again. He slams me against the wall.

Oh God, I'm seeing stars and everything is spinning. I'm going to hurl. "Mister…?" He digs his nails into my shoulders and forces me into an awkward sitting position, kissing me, beginning to unbutton my pants. I squirm, trying desperately to get away.

"Shut up." He growls. "Shut the fuck up." He pins me down before slamming my head against the wall again. "I'm fucking sick of you coming here every _god damn _night just to flirt with everyone like a little _tart_ and _not ever doing anything._"

"…What…?" Oh, God, it hurts.

"You wore the fucking cat ears! You prance around in leather every _night_, you 'self-righteous' _fag_. But whenever I try to fuck you, you act like you're so _cute _and _innocent_. You're not. You're a _whore_." I can hardly let out a sad whimper, let alone get up and fend for myself. "You're not _even _a whore- you're lower than that, you little fucking brat." To my utter disdain, he continues. He won't stop. He's going to kill me. "You're probably not even a virgin, are you?" He holds my neck, grip tightening until I can't breathe, still trying to feel me up. Come on, stupid, do something, anything to get away… I wish I weren't so helpless… "How many men have you fucked? What did they do to get you to spread your legs?"

He pushes me down at that last sentence. When he kisses me, it's not chaste and innocent like usual- it's painful, harsh, forceful.

God, I'm so sorry, Sora. I don't want to betray you. I love _you_. But I can't move…

I hope I _did _get HIV.

I hope Mister contracts it from me.

I close my eyes and sink into myself when the door opens so abruptly that I jump.

Axel.

"Get off." He says simply. Something in Mister simply… changes, and he obeys. Axel helps me up and gets me out of there. "You okay?"

"Oh God." I mutter, closing my eyes as he leads me to somewhere else. To safety. "Oh my god."

"Go home." Axel says.

He walks me to the bus stop and waits with me until it pulls up. We're quiet, don't even say goodbye as I board the bus with the few other people out at this hour.

Then it hits me: that really happened. After all those years of being a runaway with only a few incidents, easy to escape incidents, I was almost raped in a bathroom at a club not that far away from the house I live in. By someone I…

I guess I did trust Mister. He… he told me that he really did like me. That he cared about me. I could even tell-well, I thought I could- that it was the truth when he'd introduce me to friends, young and old. How he'd say, _Don't you love him? _

Love. How stupid. It didn't mean anything. You can say you love anything. Love a movie, a song, a sandwich, a person. It doesn't mean anything.

Maybe even when Sora… _no_. Sora really does love me.

But why?

And why would I do something so fucking stupid? I'm _dirty _now. Filthy. Tainted.

I'm so sorry, Sora…

How could I let this happen? I feel like such a cheater, even if I didn't consent, even if we didn't quite _do _the deed. Christ. Well, anyway. My stop is here. I can only hope that everyone's in bed. That no one will be up to yell at me.

But no such luck. It's only eleven.

Too early for everyone to be in bed. Too late for me to be out. "God, Riku, you really are a piece of work." Is how Mr. Hart greets me. I don't want to hear it. Not tonight. Not when there's doubt in my mind.

Now that he may be right, and I may be…

Wrong. "Didn't I tell you to be home at eight?"

"Yes." I mutter.

"Do you know what time it is now?"

"…Yes." I really do feel like shit. But I've been insincere… so many times now that he's stopped feeling sympathy for me.

"What the hell am I going to do with you? What do I have to do to get you to _listen _and obey my rules?" I don't respond. What am I supposed to say? "Should I just start locking the door at eight?" Oh, God don't. I've spent too many nights locked out of Nathan's, out of shelters… He runs his fingers through his hair, angry with me but annoyed with himself as well. He really _doesn't_know what to do. That much is clear. "No, it's not like you even come home most nights any way." This isn't my _home. _I don't have a _home_. "Should I just call the police?" Great. That's even worse.

"…I'm sorry…"

"No, you aren't."

But I am. Tonight, I am. "I'd give you kitchen duty again if I knew that you weren't going to attack my _son_." I wish I were anywhere but here right now… "Just… you go to bed and I'll figure something out." The hand he rests on my shoulder is oddly tender, but it bothers me. I never want to be touched again. Not after tonight. "I don't _want _to have to send you away. Please, don't leave me without any other options." I shiver as I slowly walk upstairs. It's like I'm an animal.

I don't want to have to send you _away._

I don't want to have to put you _to sleep._

I slowly make my way into the bathroom by the guest room/my room and get sick. I rinse my mouth before going upstairs to flop on the bed. Sora's in the shower. It's rather late to be doing something like that… the little creep was more than likely jerking off or something completely disgusting. It's not like we ever do anything anymore. My sex drive is officially dead without booze and drugs. I wish I knew why.

I absently reach into a drawer by the bedside table, fingering a big shell that Sora gave to me. I can _see _him if I try, coming up to me after he stopped being pissed about finding the drugs that first time. All smiles, he bounced up to me, holding something behind his back.

_"Guess what I got for you at camp?" He asked._

_"…Venereal disease." I said. He smiled in a way that I knew I had gone too far, but he didn't want to say anything about it._

_He's like that._

_"Uhh… no." He paused for a moment before regaining himself and saying, "Well, pick a hand!"_

_"Sora… I don't care. Either." He held out the shell in both hands._

_"You win…!"_

I'm drifting to sleep, just beginning to dream, when the water stops and Sora opens the bathroom door. It slams against the wall; he swears loudly. I groan.

"Oh, sorry, Riku. I didn't know you were here." I can hear him throw his towel on the floor before getting up on the bed. "When did you get back?"

"A while ago." I murmur without looking at him.

"Are you okay?"

"…Fine." Fine. What a joke. He puts a hand on my shoulder. I tell him not to touch me.

"Okay, something's wrong. What happened?"

"I said I'm fine."

"No."

"…What?"

"You're not." Holy shit. What's wrong with everybody tonight? You're not_fine_, you're not _sorry_, you're not a fucking _virgin_. When will people stop telling me what I am or am not…

"Drop it. I don't want to talk about it." I shoot a look at him, just a glance, before turning around again, curling up. "I'm not going to talk to you. So just drop it."

"I'm worried about you."

"Don't be." It comes out as a bark, a demand. I don't mean it to. "…don't be." He lays down next to me, talking just to talk.

"How am I supposed to not worry…" He muses. "The one person I love more than anything is ditching school, on drugs, and sounds like he was just hit by a car."

"…Stop it." I don't want to hear any of that shit right now. I feel bad enough as it is.

"I'm just saying."

"Well, don't." He doesn't look at me; he just shrugs.

"God, Riku, this is so annoying."

"What is?"

"All I've ever done is try to talk to you but you make everything so goddamned difficult."

I snort. "I'm _so sorry_, how _terrible _that must be for you."

"You don't have to be such a jerk about it." He mutters. I sock him in the shoulder. It gets no response.

"Sora, think: when have I ever _wanted_ your attention?"

He doesn't answer my question. "You've always _needed it_."

"Why have you always thought that you're the judge of what I _need_? How do _you _know?"

"You tell me." He glances over at me, eyes lingering for a short moment. "Not verbally… but you tell me."

Oh, that is _it. _I smack him. "What did _that _tell you?" He gets off the bed.

"You need _help_, Riku." His voice catches, like he's going to start crying at any second.

He's been sounding like that a lot lately.

But I can't help it! I'm sick of feeling like I'm _trapped_ in this world, surrounded by people who have no grasp of what I feel from day to day, what I'm going through, where I'm coming from. I don't know why people who don't get it don't just leave me alone… I don't care if you want to help… if you don't get me, then butt out of my life.

If I screw up, I screw up. If I die, I die. I'm the one who is left to deal with the consequences. I know people who have been screwed up by their vices… Tairuyo, Nathan… I don't care! I'm not perfect, I'm not flawless, I'm not _good_. I am _me._

And I know I make mistakes. I've made nothing but mistake after mistake since the day I got here. But that's _my business._

Why do Mr. Hart and Sora care…

Why did Mister pretend to…?

Why did he _do that _to me? What is it about me that makes people think that they can just do whatever the hell they want with me? I'm always either the bastard or the charity case. No one sees me as more than that.

"You're the one who started harassing _me_. Just let me sleep."

"I'm harassing _you_? You _hit _me!"

"Because you wouldn't leave me alone."

"I'm your _boyfriend_. You _don't hit me_."

"I just did."

He sighs way more loudly than necessary, shaking his head. "I can't believe you." He closes his eyes and I'm afraid he really _is_going to cry. "You bastard. I'm your…"

"I'm sorry, Sora. I just… want to go to sleep…"

"Yeah, sure."

"I had a rough night like you wouldn't even believe." To put it mildly.

"I did too." He rests his head timidly on my shoulder. "Tell me about yours."

"No."

"Oh, jeez…"

I raise an eyebrow. "'Oh jeez?' How old are you, again?"

"Why are you so mean to me!"

"Oh,_fuck_, Sora! _How _many times have I told you to go away now?"

The easiest thing to do would just go downstairs, or even just talk with Sora… but that's not what this is about anymore. The thing is, we argue constantly, we bicker like children over the smallest little things.

Our relationship has gone to hell. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to call him my boyfriend.

I just want the world to go away…

I just want to go away.

Mr. Hart is flaky.

Sora smothers me.

Zakku is untrustworthy.

Mister…

is…

he…

tried…

Oh, God. What am I supposed to do?

"-Riku, are you okay? Please talk to me. You look like you're going to be sick."

"I'm okay, really."

"If..."

Today is not the day to be messing with me. It just _isn't_.

"God, shut up! I don't want to hear your shit!"

I've really pissed him off. Again. He gets in my face, grabbing my shoulders. I want to tell him to get the hell off, but I end up smacking him again, hard. This time it was a complete accident; an automatic response. His head bumps against the headboard. His eyes close, and don't open.

...He's unconscious.

Oh, oh SHIT. I didn't meant to... I just... I wasn't thinking. It just_happened_, I didn't mean to hurt him, I just wanted to be left alone.

"Sora, Sora, are you okay?" Shit. I didn't mean to… it was just the stress all built up the way it was… I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't mean for this to happen.

Oh,_God. _"Sora?" He finally comes to, looking a bit blurry eyed… but otherwise alright. "Are you alright?"  
And for a moment he just looks at me, emotions changing each second, the expressions clear on his face. "I didn't mean to."

"It's… it's okay?" Is his completely stunned answer. We crawl into bed in total silence.

"Hey…" I ask hesitantly after a few minutes; I know I'm not prepared for the answer… "Do you still love me?"

It takes even longer for him to reply. "Ask me tomorrow." He says.

It took one night for my life to collapse completely.

For the first time in a long time I fall asleep feeling totally hopeless.

I hope I don't wake up in the morning.

I wake up at seven and can't fall asleep again.

I don't know what I'm going to do about Sora. So for the first time in a long time, I get up, dress… and go to the beach. I don't feel like drinking today… I wouldn't be able to stand another hangover.

Or seeing Mister…

God. I'm jumpy all morning, I keep turning around as if he's going to be there. After I left Darry I promised I would never let myself be abused, never feel helpless again… God…help me.

If I hadn't missed the bus that one cloudy day after school last year.

If I hadn't started talking to Axel.

If I hadn't taken up his offer to go drinking one night.

If I hadn't taken his drugs.

If I hadn't gone clubbing, if I hadn't met Mister…

I'm pissed at everyone. I'm pissed at myself.

I shiver. Man, I'm _freezing. _Maybe I should just head to Zakku's… he's the only person who isn't mad at me.

Yet.

I was almost _raped_. I can't stop saying it to myself. It took me this long to stop being in such _awe._ _I was almost raped._

I try to just sit and relax, but I'm panicking too much. I don't just run but _sprint _over to the bus stop, counting _seconds _until I get to his place.

"…Riku, what are you doing here so early?" He's been up for hours, it looks like.

"Let me in."

"What's wrong?"

"Now." He steps aside and ushers me to the couch, sitting next to me.

"What happened…?"

"Nothing." I mutter. "I just had a bad night."

"You're shaking."

I curl up, my head between my knees. I couldn't cry even if I wanted to.

"It was a really bad night."

"…You have bruises on your neck. Did someone do something to you?"

"I'm not going to talk about it."

We sit in silence until I decide that I really need to go… Mr. Hart is going to freak out. Sora probably doesn't care if I get hit by a truck. And why should he care…

"Wait, before you go." Zakku says, grabbing my arm. Gently, but grabbing nonetheless. "Lauren Moran's in town. I think you'd be making a big mistake if you didn't go and see her." He hands me a scrap of lined paper with an address scribbled on it.

Oh, why the hell not, my life's fucked up big time anyway.

I head out after lunch feeling just a little more at ease than earlier, but not much. I don't know how long I stand at the door before knocking.

Please, don't be here.

Please, please…

"Hold on, I'm coming!"

Shit.

I could run right now. I don't have to do this, don't have to stand there like an _idiot _while she walks to the door and _I can hear her _and she's opening the door…

"Hi." I can't believe how steady my voice is. "Remember me…?" She gapes for a moment.

"Hell yes, I remember you!" I flinch when she pulls me into a hug. "Oh, my God. What are you _doing _here, Riku?"

"I live here."

"How long have you-no, don't just stand outside, come in!- when did _that_happen?"

"I've been here for over a year."

"A_year_? Where are you staying?"

"With my boyfriend and his father." She smiles a little.

We sit across from each other at a table in the kitchen. I rest my head on my hand and close my eyes.

"Are you alright?" She asks, voice gentle. Yeah, _this _feels familiar. "Have you been sick or something?" I shake my head.

"No, I'm alright. Just tired."

"Yeah… you sure about that?" I don't respond. "Honey, you look like a drug addict." I don't respond. "…You're not."

"I could quit if I wanted to. I just don't want to." She sighs loudly and dramatically.

"What am I going to do with you? Way to ruin _my _day…"

I grin despite myself. "Sorry." She puts her hand over mine.

"Why are you on drugs?" She's never sounded harsh or judgmental, and she doesn't now.

"I like it. I like how I feel."

"Did you not like yourself before?"

"That's not what I said." I don't mean to snap at her, but I can't help it. "You always put words in my mouth. It's not fair."

"Okay, sorry."

It's my turn to sigh. "No, _I _am. I've been really irritable lately."

Ms. Moran smiles. "Want to start over?"

"Yeah…" I absently pick at my sleeve as I talk. "I don't know. I was just really stressed before… trying to get back in the hang of things. School, socializing, having a real relationship… and when I got a chance to escape, I took it." And now that's becoming the problem. And I have nothing.

"Why did you use that as an escape mechanism? Didn't you feel like you could talk to anyone?"

"I didn't want to bug Sora or his Dad with my stupid problems, Ms. Moran. It wasn't worth it, anyway."

"Okay, I'm not your teacher anymore. I think we're on a first-name basis, don't you?" She doesn't give me time to answer before putting her own two cents in. "You need to open up to people."

"…I know."

"So, what are you so afraid of?" I shift, starting to get really uncomfortable.

"I don't know." She stretches, getting up and walking into the kitchen. She comes back with two glasses of what I think is some kind of fruit juice. Grape, I think, but I can't tell.

"It's been three years since I last saw you, so let's get on to a lighter topic, shall we?"

"Please."

She grins. "Tell me about your boyfriend."

I shrug. This is still uncomfortable in an embarrassing kind of way, but it's a definite improvement. "His name is Sora. He's sixteen… I met him while I was a runaway. He was looking for his father… we found him."

"He good to you?"

"Very. He's…" Amazing, understanding, loving, trustworthy… everything I've always wanted in a friend, a partner, but never thought I could have; and I don't know why I always end up treating him the way I do. Or why he sticks around.

I can't believe what I did to him last night. He shouldn't take me back. I don't deserve it. "He's… a good guy."

"Do you love him?" I feel like the question should catch me off guard, but it doesn't.

"…Yeah. I do." We're quiet for a long time. A clock ticks somewhere in another room. It seems loud. "I don't know how much longer we're going to be together for."

"Why is that?"

"We've been really rocky. We're at different places in life, or whatever. He really wants me to quit. I really don't want to."

She frowns. "Well, what do you want more? A free lifestyle, or him?"

"I don't know! Sora's the only person who's ever said he loved me. Not even my…"

She clicks her tongue. "Not even your parents?" I remain silent. "Now, that's another issue altogether."

"I'm not on drugs because of that shit from Darry. I'm not."

"I didn't say you were."

"Yeah, but you were going to." She shrugs.

"Okay, so maybe I was. I'm sorry, that's my inner-therapist."

"You always jump to conclusions." I don't know why I'm being an ass to her, she hasn't done anything to deserve it. "Remember when you thought I had an eating disorder?"

"No!" She says. "Riku, I never did! You never ate and you threw up a lot. No matter what the cause… that's not good! I never said you made yourself do it."

"…Oh." I feel like an ass now…

"It's okay." She assures me. We're quiet again. "So, what made you finally leave?"

"Everything became too much." I say. I can't look at her so I glance around absently, trying to find that clock. "I thought I could handle the kids, my parents… then after Zakkudid that to me…" I shrug and sigh. "You just get to a point where you're sick of people laughing at you. Fuck, I'd been living with that for I don't even know how long. I've always been _different_. And my situation wasn't going to get better, especially with the parents I had."

"Your father abused you." She says. A shiver runs up and down my spine.

"Yeah. He did. How long have you had that figured out for?" For a moment I'm afraid that I sound condescending, but she doesn't seem to mind.

"Riku, I've always known."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

She sighs. "You know I couldn't do that. _You_ had to tell me."

"So? I didn't just now."

"I'm not your teacher now." I sigh. God, between the two of us we could use up all the air in this room. "Besides, whenever I even insinuated it, you insisted that there was nothing going on."

"…Yeah, well." I still don't have the guts to look at her, starting at a mark on the wall behind her. "I lied. He beat the shit out of me."

"You hadn't lived with him your whole life." She says. It startles me that she knows that.

"….How'd you know?"

"I've talked to your mom a few times. Mostly before you ran away, teacher conferences… she seemed nice."

"She was." I say. "She didn't ever stop Nathan… but she was pretty good at cleaning the wounds."

"Where were you living before your parents?"

"Different relatives." I don't feel like going into it. Not here, not now.

"It must have been rough." She says gently.

"It was." I reply, then: "He wasn't a bad person."

"Huh?"

"Nathan. He wasn't a bad person." I start to drink the now warm grape juice. It stings my lips. "He was an alcoholic... when he got drunk, he got violent." I shrug, ashamed. I feel likeI ratted him out or something."I... I wasn't planned. I went in and out of his life from the start, so I understand his distance. I don't blame him for a thing." I pause. "And it was just me. He never _ever _laid a finger on Mom."

"You don't have to defend him." She says. "I'm not judging anyone."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are." She puts her hand over mine once again. "He's still your father... and I know you love him. But he did really shitty things to youand it's okay to talk and be open about it. You can be angry at him." _That _I know well. "You don't _have_ to be angry at him… I just don't want you to be repressing anything. So, what's your boyfriend's dad like?" Another welcome subject change.

"He's nice. He's been pretty warm andsupportive of me since I showed up at his door." I shrug again, suddenly having this weird scenario playing in my head of me talking to him instead of Ms. Mo- instead of Lauren. I would feel like shit criticizinghim like that... In front of my _new father figure_. God. What a betrayal that would be…

My cell phone rings and I jump; I didn't even realize I had it with me.

"Go ahead." She says.

"…Hello?"

"Riku, where are you?" Speak of the devil, it's Mr. Hart.

"I'm with a friend."

"Who?"

"No one you'd find objectionable… don't worry."

He's quiet for a moment. I think my answer threw him off. "Well, I want you home before lunchtime, okay?"

"Okay." I hang up.

"Everything good?" Lauren asks.

"Yeah… I just need to get going." When I stand she does too, and together we walk to the door. I linger for a moment outside. "It… it was really good seeing you again."

She smiles. "Yeah, you too. Drop by anytime." When she hugs me, I don't hesitate to hug her back. "I missed this."

"Me, too."

I turn to leave, but she stops me with one final tip: "Look," she says. "I know you're sick to death of hearing this… but you're making a huge mistake." I can't help but roll my eyes. Here it comes… "I wish you'd quit. I don't really think you realize how much you're hurting the people around you."

"Okay." She looks at me closely for a minute, like she doesn't recognize me.

"Okay." She repeats.

It takes me a really, really long time to finally muster the courage to go back to the club. I dress normally, in jeans and a large shirt and Axel sticks by me the whole time. "I wouldn't want you getting yourself raped." He says.

"…Thanks." I reply. I'm not going to be sarcastic with him… he _did _save my ass. Literally.

"Yeah, don't mention it." I look around constantly, hating how paranoid I've become once again. I can't let myself be stupid like that again. I can never afford to be vulnerable. "How late you staying out?" I shrug.

"Sora's out with his dumb friend, Roxas and his Dad's definitely asleep. As long as I get back before _dawn, _I should be fine." He looks up at me.

"…You say Roxas?"

"I did. Why?"

"He broke my fucking heart." …Okay, _now _I'm intrigued.

"What…?"

"Okay, backstory time… When Roxas and I met I was in sixth grade and he was in like, first grade or something like that. I babysat him." He pulls a pack of cigarettes from the pocket in his trench coat -almost flasher coat, really- and lights up. For a moment he watches his lighter, the flame dancing. "I did for probably a year. I didn't see him again until I was fifteen and he was eleven. I mean, despite the age difference… he was _really _mature. We got really, really close when he was just entering high school and I was just dropping out. That's when I met Marly and got all involved in this shit, and Roxas came along with me. We got really-and I mean_really_ wasted one night and… And we slept together. To be honest, I really didn't care that much, but Roxas _freaked out_. He kept going on about how he was too young, he wasn't gay… blah, blah, blah.

And he'd never admit it, but Roxas is a closet homophobe. He took it fine when I came out, but I've always thought he saw me differently… I think he's afraid of his own sexuality. And that's worse than the guys who beat you up for banging a guy just because you have the same… let's say crotch-luggage. You know, at least those guys usually realize they're bigots."

He absently plays with his lighter again.

"But anyway, we decided to just drop the entire incident. But we slept together _again_… so one day I just suggested staying as is, accepting what and who we were and all that, you know. He didn't want it. His solution was to stop being friends."

He puts his cigarette down long enough to take a long, long sip of beer. "And what he _said _was that I'm disgusting and he never wanted to see me again." In one shift movement he slides the lighter in his pocket and pops the cig back in his mouth. "Then next thing I know, he's in rehab, he's moved away… either way, he was long gone. And there you have it."

"You loved him." I say. He shrugs as if I simply commented on the weather.

"He was my best friend." He says. "He was my only friend." We're quiet for a really long time. "Hell," Axel says suddenly. "We weren't exactly you and _Sora_… but…" I can't tell if he's mocking us or not. "Well, I guess it just goes to show you that no one's really _good_." He looks me up and down, closely. "I bet that even your little Sorakins sweetie pie can't be trusted."

And I know.

God, do I know what that feels like… "Hey, Riku, looks like your sugar daddy's here."

"What!" I jump, turning my head to where Axel's pointing.

And there's Mister, sitting all by himself, four stools away. If I had the guts to feel for him, I might. I hesitantly move closer, not exactly sure what I'm going to do. More than anything I want to chew him out and kick his ass for what he did to me. I can't even sleep anymore. I'm having nightmares again.

I simply stand next to him until he looks up and sees me. He wordlessly passes me a drink. I sit but don't take any, prepared to bolt if necessary.

"I had… _the _shittiest day at work." He says suddenly. "And I came home to really obnoxious messages on my machine from Tanya. I came here to have a few shots and let off some steam, but I was too pissed. Getting drunk on top of it was just… a bad idea." Only now does he look at me. "God, I was angry as hell and _horny_and you looked so _damn _good… when you said that you weren't going to come home with me, I lost it."

I honestly don't know what I should do, taking a sip over whatever _this_new concoction is to hide the fact that I'm scared shitless. "Look. I'm sorry it happened." When I don't reply he says, "Okay, fine. Be mad at me. I don't care." I hesitate for an insanely long amount of time. Oh, hell… why not... Axel's still within safe distance if I need back up, at any rate.

"Buy me another one of _these _and I'll think about it." I reply finally.

He smirks.

I can't believe I forgave him.

On that note, I can't believe I forgave Zakku so quickly after rediscovering him, either. What is_ up_ with me?

It's as if Sora and I have switched. It doesn't look like he's going to be forgiving me any time soon.

And why should he…

I…

I am worse than Mister, than Nathan…

Which is also why I'm a bit surprised that he gives me another chance.

We're laying in bed, not touching, on Thursday when he says it. "Let's go out on Saturday."

"…Okay." I sigh.

"Actually… let's eat here. I'll cook."

"Okay."

"If this goes well," He continues, almost hopefully… but not really. There's something flat in his voice. "Maybe we can still be together."

I guess I'm nervous when Saturday comes. Mr. Hart is out at some business thing tonight, so Sora and I have the house to ourselves.

We're quiet while Sora's preparing dinner. I should offer to help… but I just don't think of it until he brings over the food and we start to eat.

This isn't working out.

This isn't _going to_ work out.

We have nothing to talk about, we don't feel anything… we're like strangers.

"I…" I start.

He shrugs. "Yeah." He _knows_. Maybe he did before I did. Maybe he just didn't want to be the one to break the news. "…You can just go if you want to."

"But we're not done."

He slides his chair back but doesn't stand up. "I think we are."

"…What are you going to do?"

He shrugs. "I don't know… call Roxas or something."

"…Oh." I play with a napkin for a moment then get up. "Okay, then…" I start for the door. "Bye."

"Night."

Maybe this really, truly is the end of _us_.

I feel…  
empty.


	31. Sora: Runaway

-1_Note: _Fifteen pages, my friends. I'm heading to Seattle in a few days, so I really worked to get this thing done. Hopefully by the time I'm back, I'll have another chapter written. Only somewhat proofread. I tried to make it a bit happier around halfway through/the end, so… I don't know if it worked. : See you all with a new chapter in, hopefully… five days!

Home

Chapter 31

(Sora's POV)

Riku's been gone for hours… I'm really, _really _worried. Our date ended on a really sucky note… if it had ended with screaming and fighting, we would have at least had something to make up over. But we didn't talk or touch or do anything. The worst part is, we didn't _want _to. I don't know how I, personally, went from wanting him and lusting after him and loving him to this weird kind of emotional limbo. Maybe it was after he hit me.

I'm not supposed to care about him. I'm not. But I think I do. I want to know what's going to happen to us. To him. To _me_.

That's why I track down the house whose address I found written on a scrap of paper on Riku's desk. It's in a nice part of the city, which is a relief. They can't be _too _shady, then, right? So I knock and wait. And when no one comes I start for the doorbell. "Hold _on_!" Someone shouts from inside. The door opens swiftly; I wasn't expecting it and I kind of lean back without realizing it. "Hey, you need something?"

"Is Riku here by any chance?" I don't really let her reply before continuing. I guess the sight of a clean-cut woman in her thirties is the last thing I expected. "I just saw this address on a paper with all his stuff… and I can't find him anywhere. So…"

"No, he's not." She sounds oddly sympathetic, but there's still something a little humorous in her voice… I can't really describe it, but I like her instantly. "If he does drop by, I'll tell him you came around. What's your name?"

"Sora." She sigh-laughs and grins.

"Wow, _you're _Sora? Really…" Uh oh…

"Um, yes? …Why?"

"Oh, because Riku told me about you and I guess… it's just funny seeing you in person." Am I supposed to be offended?

"Where do you know Riku from?"

"From before he ran away."

It takes me a moment to get it. "You're that teacher!" Her smile widens at my enthusiasm; but I can't help but be enthusiastic. I guess I know what she meant before-- it's funny seeing _her _in person, from the few times that Riku spoke about her.

"Yeah." She chuckles. "I'm that teacher… I'm glad he told you about me!"

"It's nice to meet you…" I say. "But I need to find him." Before I turn to leave I ask. "Hey… does Riku seem… okay? To you, I mean."

"I know he's on drugs." She replies.

"Oh. Okay."

"And if you want my two cents, I think he's going to do this until something makes him decide to stop. That's how he is."

"So there's nothing I can do?" She glances down just long enough to pull a loose strand of hair from her maroon T-shirt.

"Riku has the tendency to do whatever the hell he wants."

"Yeah, I know."

She shrugs. "Just keep doing what you're doing." When I don't respond, she continues. "Because you're obviously doing something right."

"…What do you mean?"

"He's crazy about you." I frown and stare down at the ground.

"Everyone keeps saying that. But he never shows it." I sigh. "He used to be kind of cold to me, and I understand that life kind of kicked his ass, so of course he was distant. But now it's been a year and he's just being _mean _to me all the time."

"Give him time." She says. "He'll come around."

I feel like I've gotten this advice before… but I guess it's right. All my pushing didn't get Riku to open up. He had to get to that point on his own. Maybe it's the same way with his drug addiction and alcoholism. He's going to have to overcome it without my help. But _God_, I wish it weren't that way. "Thanks."

"No problem. Good luck finding him…he really knows how to disappear when he wants to."

"Tell me about it."

--

I call up Zakku next. Riku isn't there, but I at least get some helpful hints on where he might be. So I head out to a kind of shady part of the city. _That's _more of what I was expecting… I find a bag that I'm pretty sure is his outside of a door, so I knock and wait. This is making me really nervous; I don't know who these guys are or what kind of people they're supposed to be. I knock again after a few minutes pass, and this time I get a response.

"Who the hell _knocks_? Come in!" I open to door and step one foot in, managing a weak little greeting.

"…Hi."

Some drunk guy with a mullet and a guitar glances over at me and says, to the guy who let me in, "Look, it's Roxas!" The other guy looks startled for a moment. How do they know Roxas?

Oh crap. The other day Riku said something about having some shit on 'my best friend'... But…No. This _can't _be it. And anyway, I can't get distracted. I'm here for one reason only. I can go mystery-solving later.

I glance around. There are tons of people around wearing black (what, did someone die?) but no sign of Riku. I know I'm making a huge mistake when I invite myself in, but I'm just not thinking straight. I'm running totally on anger and confusion. I feel like the more optimistic kid who would have just shrugged it off and been confident that Riku would be okay if I was just there for him is dead.

Or maybe he just ran away.

"Hey, I was just wondering if--" I stop myself as my stare lands on these two guys in the back playing cards, one with short blonde hair, the other with an eye patch. They're so odd-looking, it just takes me by surprise.

"No, you _can't _play." One of them says; the other laughs. I don't know why I'm blushing. I feel like such an idiot for coming over here.

What was I thinking?

I turn to leave when I feel an unwelcome hand pulling me in even further. Okay, this is _way _out of my comfort zone.

"What's the rush?" Says yet another guy. This one's _huge_, with long hair tied back, small pieces hanging around his face. He has this really smug grin on his face. I want to punch him so he'll get his hand off my shoulder and stop smiling.

"I was just looking for someone, he's not here. So now I'm going."

"Then stay for a while."

"No, thanks."

"Have a drink." Chips in someone from the back. Gee, thanks.

"I don't drink. Anyway, nice uh, seeing you guys or something. I--" I get pulled back again, right as I'm about to start walking. I have my hand in my pocket, trying to find my cell phone. I don't want to resort to calling the police, but I will if I absolutely have to… I'm not a wimp but I'm not stupid, either. There are five guys in this room alone, let alone the rooms in the back, and some of them are pretty big. Of course, they also might be too drunk to do anything to me, but I'm not going to risk it if they aren't.

It doesn't help that I'm laughing nervously, like some kind of idiot.

"Let him go." The very first guy remarks. "Leave him alone, Xaldin." I tear myself away from him and finally leave. The redhead who helped me out follows me for a while.

"What?" I finally ask, turning around.

"Wow, so polite." I'm blushing again. Why am I blushing again?

"Sorry… thanks for helping me back there."

He shrugs. "No problem. They're all assholes anyway. So what are you doing out here? You look…"

"What?"

"You look kinda out of your element." Now I shrug.

"I was looking for my…" Boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend? Friend? I don't even know what to call him anymore. "I was looking for Riku."

"…Why'd you come here?"

"I thought I saw something of his outside your door. Sorry if I was wrong."

"Nah." He replies. "You weren't. And he's probably out at the club on the end of that street over there." He motions to it broadly.

"Okay. Thanks."

"You want me to, uh… walk you over or something? This isn't the best place to be for someone so…"

"Small?" I fill in flatly. He grins and doesn't reply.

"They probably wouldn't even let you in."

"How come?"

He shoves his hands in his pockets, not grinning anymore. "Kid, you look like you're twelve."

I blush. Again. "I'm sixteen."

"I didn't say that you weren't."

"It's okay. I'll be fine." He hesitates before going back to his place.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I am." Once he's gone, I call up Roxas.

"…Hello?" He sounds tired, as if I just woke him up or something. But that makes no sense; the sun is just starting to set.

"Roxas, it's Sora."

"Oh hey…"

"You sound like crap." He laughs weakly.

"I fell asleep studying."

"I could tell. Uh, would you mind doing me this really huge favor…?"

"What?"

I tell him about everything that's happened today in my epic search for Riku. And how I now need to get into this club, but I'm way too afraid to go in by myself. "…Can't you just wait for him to come home?"

"Roxas, Dad and I haven't seen him since _last night_. Considering the people he goes around with… anything could have happened."

"I don't know, Sora… I don't think it's a good idea." Of course it's not a good idea, but I'm dumb and stubborn and pissed, and that's all the motivation I need.

"What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid!" He actually shouts at me. I must've hit a soft spot.

"Jeez, sorry."

"No, it's okay…drop by my house before anything else. I need to talk to you in person." He hangs up.

I wish he hadn't. It's getting darker and darker and this place was creepy to begin with.

--

It's a really long bus ride over to Roxas's house. It's going to be late by the time I get back to the club to finish looking, and I might be too tired and really not feel like going to the effort of taking the trip back. And maybe it's just as well. I know I'm being dumb by doing this. I mean, hunting down Ms. Moran was bad enough… and to be honest, I don't even know why I'm doing it. I guess I just want to make sure he's not dead. I don't think I'm adventurous or anything, but maybe I've been living too "safely" and need some excitement.

His mom answers when I knock on the door, and right away tells me he's in his room. I head up, not bothering to knock. He jumps when I say hi.

"Hey," He says, turning off his radio and pulling off his headphones. I take a seat on a chair by the desk in the corner.

"What did you have to tell me?"

"Don't go off looking for him." He says. …Isn't that basically what he told me over the phone?

"Why?"

"Look, I know those guys." He slides down on his bed, almost laying down. "Or, I used to."

I have a really terrible sinking feeling, like when I found Riku's drugs that first time. "What happened?"

"My friend and I started screwing around with that stuff a few years ago. I don't even know how it started. I thought it was fine at first… that I could balance the partying and drugs with my normal life." He shrugs. "I couldn't. It took over everything I did. I became really addicted really quickly. I started skipping class, locking myself in my room all the time…I always felt depressed, like an outcast. I finally realized how wrong it all was once my friend started fucking me." He sighs loudly. "I'm not gay. I never even considered or thought about it. And the guy was so unapologetic about it… he _changed_. I knew him all my life, and then he was just different all of the sudden. It was like everything I liked about him had gone away, leaving behind this… shell." He pauses. "I finally told my parents about the whole thing, and they sent me to rehab by the end of the week. It got really hard to live so close to my dealer, and the memories of A-- my friend were too painful. We moved." He glances at me for only a second before playing with his shirt sleeve. "My Dad's job made us move back this year, and we figured that enough time had passed that it'd be okay."

"And is it?"

He nods. "I'm alright. I just… I don't want you to get involved with those people. They're…" He shudders, eyes darkening for a moment. "They're a really, really bad crowd."

This isn't too far from what I thought… about Roxas _and_ about Riku's friends.

I just wish I had been wrong.

I walk over to the foot of his bed and hesitantly sit before laying down next to him. We both sigh as I throw an arm over him and press our foreheads together. I don't know if you can do this kind of stuff with straight guys, but he doesn't say anything so I figure it's okay.

"I'm sorry." I tell him.

"It's not your fault." He takes a not so-even-breath before speaking again. "I mean, if none of that happened I wouldn't have met Hayner, or Pence, or Olette." A sigh. "Or you. It's really weird, because I feel like you _get _me more than anyone else. I don't want something to happen to you… it's like you're my brother or something." Oh, wow.

"Same." I say, because I guess that's all that needs to be said. We're quiet for a long time.

"If you still want to find Riku, I'll go with you."

"…Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I know my way around."

"I wouldn't want to make you do something like this, I mean, after everything you told me…"

He shrugs the best that he can while we're so close and he's half on his side. "No. I think it'll be good for me to go back, too. Just… to come to terms with everything, I guess." He smiles, but it's far from a happy expression. "I've always wanted to see if I still would be tempted to…"

"I wouldn't let you do anything if you were." I tell him.

"I know." He says.

--

I can't really believe that we're on the bus back to the club where Riku might be. I thought he'd say it was a bad idea, and I shouldn't do it, we'd argue, then I'd be too tired to go and I'd just come home.

I guess I'm nervous.

…And the big redheaded guy standing outside the building, blocking the entrance when we get there doesn't help much.

"What?" He asks when I walk up to him.

"I uh, want to get in." He simply raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"Come back when you grow about two feet and your voice changes." For a moment I'm left gaping in awe, jaw hanging.

I glance over at my friend pleadingly. God, this is so embarrassing. I tell him again that I need to get in but he doesn't even so much as listen, pulling a paper clip out of his pocket and unbending it. "...Please?" I try next. He simply pulls out another paper clip, hooking it onto his last one. Roxas steps forward, coming to my rescue.

"Move it, Lexaeus," He says. "My friend needs to get through." I don't like the way the big guy's looking Roxas up and down, but he steps aside. I guess I forgot that Roxas is no stranger to this place. When I look at him, he shrugs. "He looks intimidating, but he's pretty much harmless." He gets a head start on getting inside and I have to jog a step or two to catch up with him. "...I wouldn't worry, really."  
Either way, he could still murder me.

When we get inside the very first thing I notice is the smell: it smells like sweaty sex and liquor. After that, it's the strobe lights and pounding music that get my attention.

I think I'm going to be sick.

If my boyfriend really does come here as much as I think he does... just kill me now. He's not even worth it... "Just find him and let's go." Roxas mutters under his breath. I agree. I look around, shoving past people and not even caring. I'm in a complete blind panic; I could have just passed him and might not even have noticed. This is stupid. I don't even know why I'm doing this.

Why am I so scared of these dumb people? I mean, God, just look at them! I finally calm down a bit, just enough to realize that... we've been separated.

Hoshit. This isn't good... now I need to find _two_ people. I quickly call him up; maybe he grabbed his cell phone on the way out.

"We're sorry, but the number you dialed cannot be reached right now; please try again later."  
Yeah, like the auto-robot voice really cares or feels sorry at all. They might as well just say what they mean: _Good luck trying to reach your friend, loser. Go screw yourself!_

It's okay, at least I'll have come out of this finding one person... whether it'll be Riku or Roxas, I don't know.  
Riku would kill me if he found out I came all the way over here to find me. He would probably just drag me out and pound me into the ground. No one would even hear it.

Someone brushes against me and I totally think it's one of those two. So depending on who... I'm either going to die right now, or live until Riku finds out I came here.

Well, it isn't either of them.

He grabs my shoulder hard and turns me around to face him.

"Hi," He says.

"Um... hey." I reply, laughing nervously like an idiot. Okay, really need to quit doing that... He chuckles along with me, probably just to ease the awkwardness that our situation is creating. Wow, this sucks.

"Wanna dance?" Oh shit.

"No, not really." I say, still laughing. If he doesn't think that there's something wrong with me by now, I'd be surprised. But it's not really like I care what this old geezer thinks of me. Still, I really hate saying no; I'm more of a people-pleaser. A people-pleasing idiot. "But thanks... I'm just looking for someone." I'm about to leave, when something glaringly obvious occurs to me... "Hey, have you seen a guy around...?"

"There are lots of guys around here."

"Uh... yeah. Silver-white hair, kinda tall, really pale?" I think I've got his attention, so I keep going. "Blue-green eyes, a little muscular but way skinny?" He keeps looking at me for a moment and says a name I don't hear, and it's not "Riku". "What'd you say?"

"I know who you're talking about. He's not here."

"Really? Are you... are you sure?"

"I haven't seen him for days." I didn't know that it was possible to be pleased and worried at the same time. On one hand, I'm glad Riku isn't at this awful place. On the other hand... what if he's found someplace that's even shadier? And if he's not here, then where?

"Oh... uh, thanks anyway."  
Now I need to find Roxas... This shouldn't be too hard. Roxas is the only guy here besides me not wearing dark colors or piercings or skin-tight clothing. I just need to look for the big, blonde mass of hair.

"Hey." It's someone else this time, and it's still neither Roxas nor Riku. This guy is really obnoxious, grabbing me and rubbing up against me. Uh, yeah. Definitely did NOT ask for this.

"I don't have time for this..."

"What was that?" The guy asks, seemingly innocent.

"I said stop. I'm looking for someone, I'm not here to--"

"Oh, come on, loosen up!" He tightens his arms around me and he presses his lips right against my ear. "I'll buy you a drink."

"No." I elbow him in the ribs and break away from him. He spits some really nasty names out at me, causing some people to stare. Really, I don't care... I can't concentrate on this shit right now. "ROXAS!" I shout, as if he'd be able to hear it over the music. I really, really want to get out of here. Like, now. I push through the sea of people, still screaming. "ROXAS!"

I do finally see a blond, up in front near the door. It's gotta be him. I call out his name one more time and he looks up.  
Yeah, it's him. I run over; he opens the door for me and we walk out in silence. The air feels really cold in comparison to the heat in the club.

"Any luck?" He asks.

"No." I sigh. "What happened to you?"

"I don't know. I turned around and you were gone, so I waited by the door... I figured you'd have to leave eventually."

"I'm so sorry."

He slings an arm around my shoulder... unusual for him to do something like that.

"It's alright." He says.

"This whole thing was stupid." I mutter, shaking my head. "I don't even know what I was thinking." Roxas keeps walking without saying a word. "I'm turning into such a stalker... some boyfriend I am."

"No," He says. "That's not true."

"Huh?" I wasn't expecting the contribution.

"You're trying to help him, just like I needed help." We stop when we reach the bus stop, but we don't sit as we wait. "If my parents hadn't stepped in I'd still be..." He glances back, in the direction of the club, of his friend. "And I fought it. At first. I lied and guilted and yelled, or I wouldn't talk." He shoves his hands in his pockets. "I was an addict. I did whatever I could to get people off my case." He only looks at me now. "No matter what he says or does, or how he makes you feel... you're doing the right thing." As the bus pulls up he adds, "You and your family... you're good people. Just... you know. Keep that in mind."

"Thanks, Roxas." He shrugs.

--

That was a few weeks ago. Day after day passed, and neither Dad nor I heard anything from Riku. Finally, Zakku called me up.

"Riku's with me." He said. And one day after school, Riku picked up some clothes and his toothbrush and moved in with Zakku.  
Honestly, I don't really know what to make of it. "It's all temporary." Zachary assured me. "He just..." I heard in a voice in the background that must have been Riku's, "He needed a change of scenery." His voice got quiet. "And he's been doing his homework and going out less... I think it's for the better."

"Can I talk to him?" I asked. I wanted to know if we were still together. We hadn't really spoken since our last "date".

"Yeah, hold on." A pause.

"Um... Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"He said he doesn't want to talk to you."

"...Oh."

And, well, that's about how that went.

I've been dating. Not a lot. It's usually just dinner, maybe a movie, and ending up in the backseat of the guy's car. It never gets that serious... I don't want a serious relationship with anyone. Not physically, not emotionally, not anything. I don't think I'll be ready for a long time. I just wish I could keep my mind of Riku... I never really stopped loving him. I called out ('calling out' is a total exaggeration) Riku's name once, instead of the actual guy I was making out with. I managed to convince him that he just imagined it. I don't know if he believed me or if he was just trying to be nice.

Finally, I do something I should have done a really long time ago: I talk to my dad.

I come straight home instead of hanging around with Kairi after school. I think she knows something's wrong, but I really, really don't want to explain all this stuff to her. She'd never understand.

I sneak into Dad's study. He's sitting and reading, taking a well-deserved break. He works really hard. "Hey, Dad," I say. He jumps, folding a page and putting it down.

"Hey, kid," He says. "I didn't know that you were home."

"Whatcha reading?"

He rubs his eyes with his arm and sighs. "Something incredibly boring. But I need to stop playing computer games when I'm off work…" I laugh, sitting and rubbing my arms. "So, what's up?"

"Nothing. I miss Riku… the old Riku, not the new, weird one. Why'd he leave?"

"I thought it would be good for him."

"...You knew?" I ask, feeling oddly betrayed. But what I mean is 'you did this?' How long was Riku living with Zakku before I found out about it? Why does everyone keep hiding these things from me?

"I only found out about it when he went to pick up his things... before that, I don't know where he was." Well, that's almost a relief.

"He's a good guy though." I sigh."...Zakku is."

Dad shrugs. "Yeah, I figured as much."

"Do you really think it's for the best?"

"I do. Honestly, it's a good thing for you two to be apart for a while."

"I guess so..."

"And," He continues. "I think it's going to show him what he's really doing if he has an outside source telling him that it's wrong." I briefly think of Ms. Moran basically telling me to let him be, and hope that Dad's right.

I just wish I knew what was going on.

--

Every time I've called Zakku's place, Riku hangs up on me. I'm really confused. Are Riku and Zakku together now?

But I guess it's all for the best, anyway. He'll never quit... he's killing himself and he was killing me, too. I just wish I didn't still have feelings for him.  
No.  
I still love the funny, smart Riku... not this weird whiny thing that took over his body.

I try calling him up one last time. "Hello?"

"It's Sora."

"Oh, hey."

"Riku still isn't talking to me, is he?" It's not a question. I know the answer.

"He still doesn't want to." Zakku says. "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay... would you just ask him why he's not talking to me?"

"I will."

"And tell him that I love him."

"I will."

"God..." I mutter.

"Huh?"

"I'm pissed and disappointed in this relationship, too, but at least I'm trying! Zakku... I don't want Riku to die alone."

"He's not alone. And he's not going to die." The first part sounds way more convincing than the last. "I'm taking care of him. He hasn't even been going to the club or anything. So don't worry. I really... uh." There's a long pause. "You know. I care about him. He's my friend."  
Oh my God.  
I don't know how I didn't see this before. Even when Zakku would hang at our place really occasionally and just flirt... with me, with Riku, even Kairi when she'd come over... The things he'd say. Like, 'Riku wouldn't mind a threesome, right?' And Riku'd get really mad and start stammering responses as Zakku just grinned and laughed.

I think...he was way more serious than I had originally thought. I blurt out my thoughts. "Are you in love with my boyfriend?"  
There's dead silence on the other side.

"What did you just say?"

"Do you like Riku?"

He's quiet for a little while. "Riku is... really something. I like him a lot. But no."

"Oh, okay. I just thought..."

"Riku still loves you." He sighs. "Look, he loved me once and I betrayed him. He'll never feel that way for me again. I don't pursue people with zero interest in me." There's a really awkward pause, then he continues. "If... if Riku and I didn't have a history, and he weren't on drugs... and if we didn't both have baggage... and if I were a complete moron who couldn't see that you guys belong together... then maybe I'd ask him out. He got really hot… he's smart, and funny too. But no. I don't love your boyfriend."

"I..."

"Sorry, I really need to go."

"Okay."

"Call anytime."

"Thanks."  
Click.

Well, that's a relief. Sort of. When the phone rings again, I'm dumb enough to think and hope that it's Riku. But it's just Chris.

"You sound happy!" He says right away.  
I am not in the mood tonight. "Sora, you wanna sleep over?"

"...Sure." I say. I mean, why not. It's not like I'm doing anything else tonight. "Is it going to be just us, or are your other friends coming?" I ask because his friends are really obnoxious. They kept asking me what kind of sexual things I've done during (and hours after) Truth or Dare the last time I slept over.

"Just us, baby." Oh, gag me...

"You know what I meant." I snap.

"...Are you alright?" He asks.

"Yeah. Sorry... I'll be there in a little while."

"Wait, Sora."

"What?"

"Thanks for coming on such short notice and all..."

"No problem, Chris."

--

When I get to his place I notice something very weird: his voice sounds totally normal, not high-pitched, and he doesn't have a lisp. He doesn't walk with his usual sway and swagger. I wonder why, but I don't know how to point it out. We head straight to his room. It's really weird how plain it is... I guess I expected more, I don't know, flowers or something.

"Thanks for coming." He says again. "It's hard to get my friends over here." He grins. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of hard to get along with."

"Who'd you fight with this time?"

"Jake." That quiet guy who asked to dance with me last year? The one who sits behind me in History?

"Jake? I didn't even know you guys were friends."

"Yeah. Since kindergarten. He kind of avoids me at school, though."

"That... really sucks."

He shrugs. "I don't care very much. He's really quiet, even around me. Of course he wouldn't want us to be associated with one another!" His lisp comes back then fades again.

"Hey..." I say, finally. "You sound..."

"Straighter?" He replies bluntly.

"Uh, yeah. Kind of."

He grins. "My Dad doesn't know I'm gay."

I can't believe it. "Are you kidding? How does he not know?"

"…Around him, I talk about girls _a lot_."

I laugh because I'm uncomfortable, but I'm not laughing at him. "Wow. Does he really buy it?"

He shrugs. "Well, he hasn't kicked me out of the house yet, so I guess he does."

"Hey... I'm sorry." This just reminds me how glad I am to have such an open-minded Dad. Gay or straight, he loves me either way.

"I'm used to it." His voice is serious but he still has a hint of a smile. "I just pretend my boyfriends are classmates and save the sleepovers for when he's away... I go out or to their houses. I can't ever bring them home or talk about my stuff..." The smile's gone.

"Sorry." I say again.

"It's okay." He yawns. "Come on, let's go to sleep."

--

It surprises me how fast my life gets so much better than it was before. I've been hanging out with Kairi and everyone almost every weekend, and then Roxas when I'm not with my other friends. Chris and AJ, his ex, are back together, so he's been way less clingy. When guys hit on me, I can flirt back. I've gotten either As or Bs on all my tests the past few weeks.

Things are looking pretty good!

It's a Saturday, and oddly warm out. It has been since Thursday. Roxas and I are hanging at the beach, eating snow cones on the pier. The sun's beating down on us; it'd be really miserable out if it weren't for the cool breeze that always picks up at just the right time. I lay back and sunbathe, not caring that people have to step over me to get around.

"You're going to get sunburned." Roxas says, but his concern isn't really sincere. He's grinning.

"I don't burn… I just tan."

"Lucky." He rubs his shoulder. "Three coats of sunscreen and I still think my legs are burning."

I laugh. "Nerd!" We finish our snow cones and throw the papers in the trash. We stretch and walk around a little. "What do you want to do?"

"I think we've done pretty much everything that there is to do."

I sigh loudly. It's already one and we've run out of things to do! We shouldn't have left so early in the morning.

Roxas and I walk around a bit, letting the waves splash against our feet. I kick at the ground and sand flies everywhere. We're for some reason quiet as we head over to a little empty play area and each take a swing. I feel like a little kid again, except happier. I close my eyes as the breeze kicks in when I lean too far back and almost fall off the back of the swing.

"Whoa!" I yelp without meaning to. Roxas points at me and laughs. Gee, thanks.

"Smooth, Sora. Really smooth!"

After a moment, I laugh too.

"Shut up!" I slide off and grab the chains on his swing and shake them until he falls off, landing face-first into the sand. He gasps and coughs, swearing and laughing.

"You ass…!"

"You okay?" I choke out between laughs.

"Yeah, no thanks to _you_."

I can't stop laughing, sitting down, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I'm sorry!"

"If I still had my snow cone, I'd shove it down your pants."

"Yeah… some guys would love for you to do that."

He rolls his eyes, trying and failing to stifle a smile.

"You keep forgetting that not _everyone here _is gay and wants to hear you say that stuff."

"I'm just telling the truth." I retort.

"…Shut up."

--

I finally get home at two. I nap for about three hours, until Dad calls me down for dinner. God, I'm tired! At least dinner's good; barbecued ribs and a big, elaborate salad. Dad doesn't usually make this much… it's a really nice change. He's been working less and less, so I actually get to see him now. I never did tell him that I didn't like not seeing him like I meant to, but I think something made him finally get it.

"So, are you alright?" He asks me.

"I'm great." I reply. "Why?"

He shrugs.

"I was just wondering. You know, with…"

"…with Riku gone?" I ask. "Yeah. I'm fine."

"I'm glad." He says, smiling. "I don't like to see you moping."

"I don't like _to _mope."

"You're a good kid," He says suddenly, grabbing another rib. "You know that?" I laugh a nervous little laugh and flush a little. I don't know why this is so embarrassing.

"…Thanks, Dad." I mumble.

"It's true." He goes on. "I just want to see you succeed and be happy." Dad quickly adds one final thing: "With or without a boyfriend."

Wow, no pressure…

"Thanks." I repeat. "I will."

--

The following Friday, Chris and AJ invite Jake and I to a winter dance. I think they're trying to set us up… but I'm not even single.

Err, maybe I am.

I don't know. Everyone acts like I am. Even Riku ignores me in the hall. At least we're sitting apart from each other in Health, finally.

But I like being at the dances. Jake is very, very sweet and I know _and_ really like all my peers who show up here. But Kairi never shows, and neither does Roxas. Sometimes it gets really confusing, trying to juggle all my groups of friends. There's Chris, AJ, and Jake; then Kairi, Selphie, Tidus and Wakka; then Roxas, and sometimes Hayner, Pence and this girl Olette come down to visit; and on top of that, I still need to remember to keep in touch with Donald and Goofy. I'm not really one of the popular kids or anything, but I'm actually pretty well-liked, and I never thought that I'd be able to say that.

I kind of feel like I own this place sometimes.

…But not now that I've just spotted Riku. Wait a minute… is he with Zachary?

"Want some punch?" I ask Jake, though I'm too distracted to hear his answer. "I'll get us some."

"Oh, okay."

I walk over to the punch table, where Riku and Zakku _are _hanging out. "Riku, what are you doing here?" He glances at Zakku, almost-pleadingly, almost-glaring. Zakku excuses himself.

"Same thing you are." Riku says.

"Wow_, I _could never get you to go to these things…" That one dance he went to with me, really was the one dance he went to.

"Zakku has his ways."

"…Zakku?" I ask. Now, there's a subject that needs to be brought up! "Isn't he in college?"

"He had a day off." He replies simply. "And you're encouraged to bring a date." He shrugs awkwardly.

"So you and him are together." I don't know why my heart drops. It's not like I came alone. I laugh a little, once again out of nervousness, but out of sadness too.

"No. We're not."

"…Oh."

He turns to go find Zakku but before leaving he says, "If I'm not with you, I won't be with anyone. I thought I made that clear."

I stumble back to Jake, feeling like I've just had an out-of-body experience but not knowing why.

Riku still doesn't know. He hasn't figured out that Zakku's really hot for him… but at least I think that's the extent of his feelings for my boyfriend. (Ex-boyfriend. Friend. Whatever.)

And that's a relief.

"No punch?" He asks. Shit.

"I got distracted." I say honestly.

He shrugs. "It's okay. I wasn't thirsty anyway."

"Alright then." He looks over at Chris and AJ, slow-dancing in the corner, even though the song playing is upbeat.

"Let's dance," He says.

"Let's!" I agree. And we're both pretty awkward and uncomfortable, but it's fun. It's all good.

We slip outside once it starts to get really stuffy. Technically we're not supposed to be out here, but the dance'll be over pretty soon, anyway.

Jake's a lot bolder when we're alone, and way more talkative. "Are you alright?" He asks.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know." He shrugs. "From seeing your ex with that other guy?"

"They aren't together." I tell him quickly. "And he's not my _ex_." I give a short, stupid laugh. "Everyone seems to want to talk about Riku lately!"

"I was just saying."

I shrug.

"I'm kinda sick of talking about him." I confess. "Everyone's like 'Oh, Riku loves you, give him time, he won't be an ass forever', and I'm just… I'm done. If he wants to make things right again, I'll do it. But if not… I have to move on." He puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Sora, what's really going on?" His genuine concern almost brings me to tears. But I'm sick of crying, too.

"It's nothing." I almost wish I hadn't brought it up. I'm so freaking sick of talking about this. Of thinking about this. "Can we just go back in now?"

"Yeah." Jake says. "No problem."

So we do, and I'm able to enjoy myself again tonight.

Jake and I join Chris and AJ, slow dancing in the corner to an upbeat song.


	32. Riku: Confessions

_Note_: So, chapter 32 is 22 pages. Lots and lots of backstory; sorry to do this to you guys (it really got out of hand) but it needed to be done. Zakku's is really the important one here, and a lot is just Riku's again. It's more in-depth and detailed than when I first introduced it in Runaway, and it's all in order, with more explanation. So if you want that, read it, if not, skim. There's important bits mixed in with the stuff we already know. Makes me wish I had gone about the earlier chapters in a different way, though, or had the chance to go more in depth with Sora's. Ah well; I'll save that for the LJ edit... Anyway, I just really wanted to get it all out there, because after this it probably won't brought up much.  
Here's chapter 32, then.

Home

Chapter 32

(Riku's POV)

Two weeks.

For two weeks I've been living with Zakku.

I didn't mean for it to last this long, not really. I just meant to be here for a day or so, but I guess everyone knows how these things go. But he's been nothing if not kind to me, and he honestly, _truly _insists I stay with him. I guess we're both sort of lonely. From what I gather, his love life isn't what it was in Darry, and Sora and I… well, whatever. We haven't spoken in a while.

I think that _Sora _thinks that I'm angry at him. I'm not. He hasn't done anything wrong. It's all me… I'm _ashamed_. I've done so many shitty things… It's too much. Too much pain. I feel _myself _becoming more distant.

Sometimes I think I should just quit using the drugs.

But then I think, no. I can't. I _won't._ What would good it do me… I'm a wreck either way. I probably won't even pass high school. I've only now begun to do homework, and midterms are creeping up on me too quickly to catch up. And when I tried to run away… I couldn't do it. I was gone for two days before retreating to Zakku. I don't know what's wrong with me because that's _never _happened to me before. I've never had a second thought about running away. Not until now.

I'm so, so fucked. "Don't hurt yourself, Riku!" Yeah, that's Zakku who just made me jump out of my skin. It takes a minute for my heart to stop beating so fast, but it's made a little bit better by the gentle hand on my shoulder and a wide smile meant to soften the insult. "So, what were you thinking about?"

"Shut up…" I murmur. He pulls me into a quick side-hug before taking a seat on his bed. He was generous enough to let me take his desk, while he takes the less comfortable kitchen table.

"Sorry." He says, still grinning. "But I just _had_ to. Besides, I needed a break."

"What, so learning about diseases isn't a wonderland of excitement?"

He laughs. "Not after three hours!"

"Is it really that late?"

I had no idea.

"Just seven." He replies, smile still unwavering. "I should probably start dinner now, before we both forget to eat."

"Good idea." I remark quietly, but he's already gone, humming the familiar tune of a song that was a hit a few years back as he walks into the kitchen.

-

I'm used to the idle chatter during dinner now. The "how was your day"s, and "how much homework do you have"s and the "how was work"s. I mean… none of it really means anything anyway.

Most nights, Zakku looks exhausted; worn out from a long day of work and school. I know the look from our last days as friends in Darry, before he'd _want _to say something rude and occasionally _would, _and the walk to school the morning after I said I loved him. (Love him… what a joke.)

But tonight he's smiling the way he is whenever I picture him in my mind for any reason. I want to point it out, but I just can't do it tactfully. "You get laid?"

"…huh?" He asks.

I simply repeat myself. "Did you get laid or something?"  
He just keeps giving me this blank look, like he's got no idea what I'm talking about. "You… you seem happy today."

"Oh." He says. "No, just enjoying the company."

I snort. Asshole… "So how's dinner?"

"Good." I reply automatically.

"Good." He repeats, and for once I don't have the slightest feeling I'm being made fun of. I guess I'm warming up to him. And why not… he has more than proven himself. I think he's actually trying to get me to trust him.

And when he looks back up at me, smiling, I manage to smile back.

What I'm feeling now is indescribable.

I think that's just what it feels like to have a "best" friend.

I don't know if like it.

It's new.

-

Later, I sit at his desk and read until he comes in to go to bed. As he walks in and out I glance at the people in the frames: Trace, Kayla. And lots of them. A group photo with the two of them plus Zakku, plus a lot of people I recognize just barely… Nero's there, too.

After that, people I know I don't know. A young, young Zakku… thirteen, maybe, before I met him or even heard of him, latched onto a sad-eyed boy. I take it and examine it closely, as if something will appear out of nowhere. I don't notice that Zakku's emerged from the bathroom until he gently takes it from my hand. "That's me and my old boyfriend." He says.

"Oh." I say, like an apology.

"Yeah." He mutters. "Noah." He holds on to the picture for a long time, looking at me and Noah and his old self. Then he crawls into bed.

Well, I guess that's my cue to leave. I take my book and retreat to the only other bedroom, falling asleep soon after I get into bed. For once.

-

Saturday comes quickly and smoothly. We both have time to relax, so I for one am in a relatively good mood for the first time in a while, and Zakku's been upbeat all week. I just wish I could go out and see Mister. My body and mind are absolutely _craving _the drugs, the fun, the _life._ But I'd feel like shit living with Zakku and not at least helping out. After all, he's hardly able to support himself considering all the debt med school brings, let alone me. To refuse to help out would just be… well, I'm not _that_ bad. (I can't help but wonder why his parents aren't helping out, they've certainly got the money… but Zakku probably _wanted _to do it all himself, that's who he is.)

At about nine at night we get bored so we drag some chairs outside the front door and sit, talking about nothing.

But it's nice. He even gets me laughing: something which I haven't done in a long time.

"Sora called this afternoon." He says suddenly. So much for fun…. "But you were in the shower."

"Oh."

"Why aren't you talking to him?"

I shrug. "I don't want to. Is that so bad?" He doesn't respond.

We're quiet until Zakku changes the subject. "How've you been?" He asks.

…Weird question. "Fine." I reply. "I'm fine."

"Really?"

"…Yeah. I am."

"You ever get homesick?" He asks after another long pause.

I don't even have to think about the answer. "No."

"Never?"

"Not even once." I continue as Zakku makes a quiet, well-intended comment about me being a tough shit. "I mean, why would I?"

"I don't know." He admits. "Maybe sometimes things seem better after you lose them."

I can hardly stifle a snort. "I didn't 'lose' anything. I _ran away_."

"I know… Sorry."

"Sure."

He shrugs, sighing. "I guess I'm homesick. I miss my friends." I miss Sora. "I just feel like I keep losing everyone close to me."

Me, too.

Me, too.

"Your boyfriend." I say. He looks almost startled for a moment.

"Yeah, my boyfriend. And one of my best friends, and then everyone else after I moved away… including my girlfriend…" He trails off before sighing and saying, "And you, of course.." He shifts in his seat. "And my parents weren't exactly there a lot. I'm not trying to compete with your problems… don't get me wrong. It's just… it's hard."

"I'm sure it is." I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but it sounds right. He nods, a distant look in his eyes.

"Yeah. You know. And I've already told you about Noah."

"No," I say. "You haven't. Not really."

"Oh."

"You mentioned him _once_, in Darry."

He bites his lip. "What did I say?"

"'You remind me of him'." I reply, really only remembering now. "That's what you said. You never said why."

"Oh." He smiles a little. "Yeah. Noah's first name is my second name. Actually, that's the whole reason I went up to talk to him… It's such an unusual name. And I was shy at the time so it was a big thing for me to do something like that. I don't remember how we got together, but he was my first relationship. Noah was… painfully shy. He wasn't the most athletic, or even the best student. He was adopted, and his family was kind of poor. He was diabetic, he was gay, he dressed differently than everyone else. People thought he was weird. But God, he was _incredibly _artistic. Really, really talented." He looks down at his feet for a minute, shoulders slumped, and for that instant he's the insecure kid he used to be.

"He was bullied. A lot. People would scream at him in the halls and throw things at him, or they'd beat him up or can him They'd say nasty, personal things like… like that his biological parents gave him up because he was disfigured and ugly."

He looks at me for a moment and shrugs. "The thing is, he _wasn't_." They never are. "Or they'd say that he was diabetic because he ate too much." He shrugs again. "Noah was kind of… a big guy. Naturally big, though. They made it sound like he was fat or something." He pauses for so long I think that he's done, but he isn't. "The teachers all kind of encouraged it, too. I don't think it was their goal, but they did."

"And his parents?" I find myself asking.

"Really loved him. They were amazing." He finishes. "A bit oblivious, but nice. They were like my second parents. Whenever I was in trouble or needed to talk, I could go to them. I was always at Noah's house. I practically lived there when my parents were away." His voice is unsteady. "But as much as we all tried… it wasn't enough to compensate for what people would do to him. He would have given _anything _to just have even one person truly like him. I just watched him getting shyer and shyer, more depressed, more withdrawn from his family, eating less and less… and there was _nothing I could do_. No matter how much I loved him."

He rubs his arm as a cool breeze kicks up. "One night we were going to have a sleepover. It had been planned for a long time. I suddenly remembered I needed to get a project done, so I cancelled last minute. I knew he was upset, but he wouldn't say anything. He'd never say when something was wrong… too many years of being called a rat or a tattler or a whiner." He lets out a long breath. "But I promised I'd call him that night, and I did around 8ish. He wasn't in. I left a message, but he never returned my call. I rode my bike over to his place first thing the next morning."

I cough; I don't mean to, but it just escapes. But I don't think Zakku even heard it.

"The first thing I saw was the yellow tape surrounding the house. Then I saw the police cars' flashing lights. Then, Noah's parents. I knew he was dead. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget that feeling. I pushed through the police and ran inside anyway, but they were already carting out his body."

"What happened?"

"From what little I could gather from the police, I guess he went out that night and that's why he didn't pick up the phone. Sometimes he'd go out late at night to take walks… then, I'm not sure. They think he was mugged, then just came home and…" I'm seriously afraid he's going to cry. "He locked his door and pushed his dresser in front so no one could get in. He took pills and pills and pills, and _tons _of booze… then _hanged _himself. Noah really _wanted _to be dead, and fast. He wasn't messing around."

Zakku slides down in his chair. "I played the scenario in my head over and over. Him being afraid and angry, with me not being there to help him. If I hadn't cancelled… if I had called earlier… if I had tried harder to make him happy. Even now when I think about how he's just _gone,_ how he'll never make me another painting, or how I'll never hear his voice calling me 'Zach'…" He shakes his head.  
"He was my first love, _and_ the first person I ever knew to die… I mean, it's gotten easier over time. It's been years. I don't think about him very often. Sometimes I even find that I don't miss him the tiniest bit. But mostly, I just feel so guilty… And losing you was like losing him all over again, and it really was _all my fault._"

"I…"

"It's okay, Riku."

"After he was… gone… people got quiet. I don't know if they really felt guilty, but they were shocked to say the least. People stopped picking on me then. I used to get treated like shit for being his. I didn't get it as bad, however. I was always lucky that way. Because even then, it was all racially or sexually-charged. And it's easy to make comments on superficial things like who you like or the color of your skin." He traces over a line on his arm; he seems better now, if not a bit shaken. "It just… it doesn't mean anything. And things kept getting better and better after I met Trace."

"He was popular." I say.

Zakku nods. "At the time, Trace was friends with another kid named Reese… and that guy was really the popular one. He kind of took me under his wing and we all became really close. We were never apart. He got me my first girlfriend, Kayla, and took me to my first party with beer. The three of us would always talk about how when we grew up we'd make movies… Trace would direct, I'd make the music, and Reese would write the screenplays."

"What happened?"

Zakku shakes his head. "Drunk driving accident. The idiot."

"Oh."

He shrugs. "Yeah. Not like any of that stuff would have happened anyway. Reese's parents pushed him toward music, then my parents wanted me to be a doctor… and Trace is in law school now. But it was fun while it lasted. Reese was a really great guy. And I know you'll never believe me, but Trace was too. I mean, when no one was around… he didn't have an audience to play to. He wouldn't say a bad thing about anyone. He was the only person I could just completely be my dorky self around." He grins, but it's still not sincerely happy. "Because he was a dork too. But…" He looks over at me again. "He still scared me shitless. I was afraid of him getting mad at me and I'd suddenly not be popular anymore. I never wanted to live through that again."

"And that's why you did that stuff to me, I know."

He frowns. "Yeah." He's quiet, debating with himself about something. Probably something he wants (or doesn't want) to let me know. "I… I knew the whole time you liked me. Not just… after you said it. I'm really, really sorry. And it's why I'd hit on you, why I was always touching you." I don't speak. "All the accidental brushes in the hall, putting my hand on your shoulder…and all the double entendres, too, but… I don't know if you noticed."

"I noticed." I say finally. I don't remember the innuendos, so maybe they did just go over my head. That's not how I thought back then. "I didn't over-think it. But I noticed it." It takes all my courage to look at him. "I wanted it to be sincere, more than anything."

"I know. I'm _so_ sorry."

I shrug.

After a while he timidly reaches out to put his hand on my shoulder. For once, I don't push him away

-

We end up heading to bed at eleven. I find myself sitting at the foot of Zakku's bed as he rests under the covers. "Not tired?" He asks.

"No." Not after tonight. No way. "I want to go out."

"Do you _have_ to?"

I shrug. "I'm thinking about it."

"Why do you have to go out so much?" He yawns and turns over. "Honesty, what do you _do _there all the time? If you're not having sex…"

"I'm not." I murmur. "The drugs are great. That's all."

"Not that great." He retorts. When I just look at him, not speaking, he adds, "Do you really think I've never tried that stuff?" I smirk.

"Of course you have."

He smiles a little. "I just want you to be safe. You know that."

"I am." I say. I don't know why the next part slips out: "I was almost raped." It's the first time I've ever mentioned it to someone. It doesn't feel good like it's supposed to when you tell someone some big secret. I just feel ashamed.

"…What?"

"Yeah. But my friend helped me out. I'm fine."

He sits up.

"And you _still _didn't learn?" …What? _That _wasn't the reaction I was expecting.

"What does _that_ mean?"

"Riku, that should show you the kind of people you're going around with!"

I get pissed and defensive. I can't help it. "Like you're so much better!"  
I don't know how long we stare at each other; any bonds we had formed from two hours ago seem to have disappeared.

"I'm going to sleep." Zakku says.

"Me too." I mumble, leaving.

"Wait." He calls. I stop in the doorway. "I'm sorry."

I shrug. "I was the rude one."

"It's okay. I know you're under a lot of pressure. I mean, you have school, and this whole thing with Sora…" He struggles for words for a moment. "It's really hard losing the guy you lost your virginity to. I know."

"Huh?" …Whoa, wait a minute. When exactly did _that _happen? "We didn't! I've never…"

He flushes. "…Oh." The more he tries to explain himself, the redder he gets. "I thought that…you two… you're so close and for Christ's sake, you share a bed!"

"So?! We're not _animals_!"

"I'm sorry!" He almost-shouts. "I honestly… I had no idea you guys haven't…I mean, after a whole year…"

"It's not even any of your business."

"I know. I just…"

"And I haven't even said I loved him, so a year's really got nothing to do with it."

He sighs loudly, laying back down. "Yeah, I've never said it either. Not since Noah."

I smile a little.

"Not since you." I say. He flushes again.

"God, Riku, I'm so sorry…"

"We're pathetic, you know that?"

_He _smiles.

"I keep saying all the wrong things…" Zakku mutters, shrugging. I shrug, too.

"It happens." I finally start back to "my" room. "And it's okay that you thought that. It's fine."

-

The next night, Zakku has a date. I don't know why it feels like a betrayal… but it kind of does.

"Are you going to be okay here yourself?" He asks. I snort.

"Sure, _Mom_. Just make sure to tape your cell number to the refrigerator for the babysitter."

The remark at least earns me a grin as he finishes buttoning up his shirt.

"Hey, I…" he starts but stops and starts again. He's been jittery this whole night. "I'll see you in a while, then."

"Good luck."

He's grinning again.

"Thanks."

About an hour after he leaves I head to "my" room to read. I'm tired but I'm restless.

At nine, the phone rings. I debate whether I should answer it or not; after all, this isn't my place… for all I know it's personal. Then again, it could be important, work or school-related, maybe…

I pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"…Riku?"  
Holy shit. It's _Sora_. Oh, fuck. "Are you there?" What do I say? What do I tell him? …How am I supposed to get words to come out of my mouth, again? "Okay, uh… I'm going to make this really fast: I'm just kind of worried, I guess, and wanted to make sure that you're, you know, alive. I really wish you'd say what I did to make you quit talking to me. And uh, that's it I guess." Just before I hear the _click _of his line going dead I can hear him murmur, "I don't even know if he listened , though…" I'm not sure who he's talking to.

And I try really hard to not notice that he didn't say he loves me.

-

I wander around the apartment for another 45 minutes before I can settle down. I found some booze so I'm just a little buzzed but really floaty and calm, too. I didn't take that much. So it's okay… he always says that I should help myself to anything.

When Zakku comes back at almost midnight, he sounds a little more drunk than I am, but I'm just buzzed, so it's okay.

But from the sound of it… he's not alone.

I stumble over to the door and listen in on what's going on. "Hey," I can hear him say quietly. "My roommate's here, so… what? No, it doesn't mean anything." Gee, thanks. "Just we should keep it down, that's all."  
This is all wrong. I shouldn't be doing this.

"Yeah, no problem." Comes another, feminine, voice.

Then… silence.

Weird. Maybe she left after all?

-

I think about Sora's call for a long time. So, he does think that I'm mad at him. And maybe I am, just a little. I've always hated people worrying about me, and Sora is the worst. Strange, because Sora is _not_ a worrier. But he's always tried to look after me… wanted me to get rid of the knife I used to defend myself because he thought I'd get hurt. Wanted me to sleep in and rest every fifteen minutes when I was sick, when we were runaways. Wants me to sober up.

I guess it's because he cares.

God, what a mess. What am I supposed to do…?

I fall asleep thinking about it.

-

I can hear Zakku having sex in the other room.

He woke me up… _they _woke me up.

That is fucking disgusting.

I roll over and close my eyes, thinking that it'll somehow make them stop it.

They don't.

I pull my pillow over my ears and burrow under the blankets; if I don't concentrate, I can't hear them.

God… why does this even bother me? I feel violated, so dirty.

This sucks.

I wish I had had more to drink. Oh well.

Too little. Too late.

-

I'm almost thankful for school the following Monday. Sunday was as awkward as hell, but I don't know if Zakku ever got why.

But I think he has an idea.

We're both done with everything we need to _get _done much earlier than usual tonight, so Zakku's breathing easy as he goes to work.

Good for him, I mean really… he has a lot on his shoulders. Good on him.

So I set up chairs anyway as we've done the past few nights _before _the sexdate, and sit by my lonesome. I don't mind it though. I'm probably alone on this, but I really do like sitting and listening to the traffic and chaos going on all around. Once in a while I just need the reminder that we're all alive… and I can watch from afar and be detached and not care. Sitting here, I feel like an independent in the city, not a runaway in a shithole town.

A couple walks up the stairs and past me, talking and laughing and holding hands. She has a ring. He locks the door and they waltz in, closing the door quietly behind them. I don't even realize that I'm completely tense the whole time until they're out of sight.

Weird.

A good 20 minutes later, a clean-cut looking man begins up the stairs. He stops at the floor right under this one. The next person I see is Zakku. "Were you waiting for me?" He asks, smiling, taking a seat next to me.

"Maybe," I reply, looking forward. From beside me, he hums and sighs contently.

"It's really, really nice out tonight!" And here comes the unavoidable weather small-talk again.

"Uh-huh."

"I wanted to walk back, but it'd be a long trip."

"I thought you just worked over at the grocery store."

"Nope," He says. "Not on Mondays. You know that coffee place by the high school?"

I don't-- I think it's the one that Sora would go to after school last year during testing week. I nod anyway. "Yeah, well, that's where I was."

"Ah."

He imitates me, sort of, with a raised eyebrow and index finger in the air. "Ah-_ha_!" I laugh despite myself and he smiles before stretching. His back pops. "And how was your Monday?" The look I give him should tell him exactly how my Monday was. He frowns. "You're not picked on, are you…?" No. Of course not. From the day I beat up that kid who was harassing Sora (also last year), no one would dream of messing with me. I'm not exactly the popular guy my boyfriend ended up being, but I think I'm fairly well-liked. But… they're just so immature, so fickle, so _young_. They don't get me… _I _can't relate.

"No," I reply finally. "Just… you know. Mondays."

"That's… good, I guess. Hey, are you hungry at all?"

"I've eaten."

"Oh."

Self-conscious, I shrug. "Sorry." I don't know if I'm supposed to apologize, but I guess it's my safest move.

"Don't sweat it. I'm glad you did." Zakku says, putting a hand over mine. "Really, when I said to make yourself at home… I meant it."

"…Okay, thanks."

He smiles, like he's happy with himself for saying so.

"Really."

"I know." I already kinda helped myself to your alcohol. Sorry. "I'm going inside."

"Hold on."

"What?" I ask, sitting down.

He speaks quickly, as if he'll chicken out or something. "I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for everything. After you ran away… I thought about you _every day_. I wish I could go back in time and be your friend _really_. I'd tell everyone there how amazing you are."

"Er… I…" This is really uncomfortable.

"I really, really like having you around. When I'm with you… I feel happier. I mean, I feel guilty, but I feel happy."

I can't help but laugh a little. This is so awkward. "What, do you want me or something?" A pause.

"No! Of course not. That's not what this is about." Oh God. Oh my God.

"I'm going to bed." I say quickly, rushing inside. This isn't happening. It isn't. I dash to "my" room and lock the door. That pause was way too long… he really… oh my God.

"Riku…?"

I know I'm scaring him. But he should have said all of that stuff… God, what was he thinking? Saying things like that…

-

On Tuesday, we hardly speak. Whenever I look at him he averts his gaze so he can pretend like I'm not here, like this isn't awkward, like we're not stuck in a really terrible situation.

I'm more than happy to pack up and leave that Wednesday, the first day of winter break. "You don't have to go." Zakku says as we stand in the door way. "That stuff I said… it didn't mean what you thought. It's just… you're my friend. That's all."

"I know. But I've been here way too long as it is." I shrug, shifting from left foot to right, right foot to left. "Thanks for letting me stay. You…" I say words I never thought I'd say. "You're my friend too… no hard feelings."

As I turn to leave, I can feel him smiling at me.

-

I don't want to go to Mr. Hart's yet. I don't want to see everyone. I go straight from Zakku's to Axel's.

The first thing he says when he sees me is, "You are _not _staying with me."

"I wasn't going to ask." I reply, setting down my duffel bag. "I'm not even going to crash for the night, so shut up and relax." He shrugs and doesn't ask why I have all my possessions on me. I always appreciate his utter lack of curiosity. "I had a bad day. I just want to get high or something."

"No need to be subtle, now…"

_Not _in the mood.

"No need to be an ass, now."

He frowns.

"You know where everything is." He mutters, passing out on the couch shortly after. He looks really tired… I forgot that he works really oddball hours, like 5AM. He could quit… I mean, he makes so much more money selling drugs.

But whatever, it's not my life.

…Well. He did basically tell me to help myself. And I _do _know where everything is.

And this should kill a couple of hours and loosen me up a bit.

Just what I need.

-

Three hours pass until I'm done and sober enough to go back to Mr. Hart's house. The bus ride there is oddly calming, as I'm nearly alone. People must all be at home with their families, or up to the snow while they have the chance, before school starts up again. When I get to the Harts' doorstep and ring the bell, I'm half expecting them to either not open to door or just tell me I'm not welcome back.

But it doesn't happen.

It never does.

Mr. Hart opens the door and _ushers _me inside, asking me how I am, how Zakku is, if I need help unpacking. Before I start to the guest room (I guess Sora wouldn't want to share his room with me after I just left like that), Mr. Hart asks me a question.

"Sora brought home a progress report Monday." Oh shit, midterms were last month. "Do you have one?"

"Yeah. Mostly Cs… and a B." And I hand the paper to him to _prove_ it.

He hesitates before finally smiling. "Good job."  
Yeah, right. Good job, all things considered, is what he means. I only really did work toward the end, and I only tried for Zakku. I mean, why slack off when he spent so much time with his face in his textbooks? Mr. Hart looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn't. In the mean time, I head to my room to unpack.

Sora isn't here during dinner. He's sleeping over at some friend's house. I sit and eat in my room by myself, so Mr. Hart just hangs around in his office, working. I don't know why… but I find myself missing Zach.

-

Things start getting back to normal later in the week.

"Riku," Mr. Hart says one day, pulling me aside during lunch. "I'm really glad that you're starting to turn your life around."

"I'm still on drugs." I tell him.

"Oh."  
I just haven't been going out so much. Mister is beginning to creep me out again. Mr. Hart looks disappointed, but I can't help but think… you should have known.

-

A few days later, on one particularly warm day, Sora goes to hang out with Kairi. I absently think about how Sora said she misses me; we were inseparable for about five seconds last year.

I wonder if she really does miss me.

Because Sora's out, Mr. Hart decides to take me to this really great outdoors café after we finally get out around to getting me new clothes. We order way too much food and I have no clue what I even ended up with. Mr. Hart says it's fish (it's probably not, but I don't want to think about it). Either way, I haven't eaten this much in a long time and it feels good. And there's more on the way. I guess the one upside to my not running away is always knowing I'll have a warm meal.  
"So you're still not quitting." He says. It's just simple conversation but I can hear the "disappointment" in his voice. I hate when people are "disappointed"-- it's worse than when they're really, really pissed at you.

"Nope. Still not quitting." God, I want to get off this subject. But I'm ready to fight if I have to. It's my body, it's my business, it's up to me, I'm not hurting anyone, it's my money, it's my life...

"Hm. So, what made you come back?"  
For a moment the image of Zakku _that night _appears in my mind, making me shiver. I should call him. Make sure we're really still cool.

"I don't know."  
He smiles.

"Was he driving you insane?"  
I know it's a joke, but that's not how I take it.

"No. It's not that."  
His smile wavers and fades.

"You okay? You seem a little jumpy."

"Yeah," I reply, watching the waiters flitter around, taking orders, bringing food, talking with one another and laughing. "I am a little jumpy. But I'm okay." Mr. Hart reaches over and pushes my hair out of my eyes (the length of my hair drives him crazy); I instinctually lurch back.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" But I know what he's talking about. I know exactly what he's talking about.

"Riku... what happened to you? You've been jumpy for months and... even before that you..."

"Oh. I'm okay."  
But the whole time he never stops _looking _at me.

"Really," He insists. "What's going on?"

I shake my head, suddenly finding myself smiling.

"I've always been this way. Don't worry about it." For a moment our eyes meet and I feel compelled to give him a little more explanation. "It's all stupid baggage… it's complicated."

He nods, like he understands, then changes the subject.

"Aren't you glad school's out for another week?"

"Yeah." Sure. Why not.

"I'm glad your grades have improved."

"Me too."

"I just wish that…" He stops before deciding to continue. Oh, here we go… "I wish that you hadn't quit doing your sports so quickly last year, honestly. It's not like I want you to become some big athlete, but you were really good at it. I thought you were enjoying it."

"I was."

"Then why'd you quit?"  
I shrug.

"I didn't want to do it. I had too much going on."

"Understandable." He agrees. "What do you like besides sports? Your other hobbies?" He smiles. "You read a lot." Yeah, I have nothing better to do, except maybe drink until I collapse… but I can spare Mr. Hart the details.

"I read, I write…"

"Is that what you want to do with your life?" _That _surprises me, although I don't know why.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"I just want you to find something you love and really commit to it."

"I never commit to anything." I say. I mean it as a joke, but it doesn't come out that way.

"I noticed." He says. Again I find myself shifting uncomfortably.

"Seriously, with my life…"

"Tell me."

"What?"

"Riku," Mr. Hart repeats. "Tell me. I know nothing about you." I nod grimly. I don't know how he suckers it out of me. I don't know why I let him.

"How far back do you want?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with. This isn't an interrogation."

"Okay." I sigh. "My parents really didn't have the money or the means to take care of me. When I was three they were barely eighteen, so I was sent to live with my mom's parents. They were pretty old… I think I really spent more time taking care of them than they could have taken care of me. When I was seven…" I trail off, thinking that maybe he won't ask for any more.

"What happened?" He asks, as if he's requesting me to repeat something.

"Thing is, I don't know. They left one morning and after that, they were just _gone_. I never saw them again. I don't think they'd have just left; at least, not on purpose."

"You weren't just… by yourself then, were you?"

"Not for long. I was sort of homeless for about a week." He looks concerned, so I explain. "A neighbor noticed that I had been alone for a while, and they called Child Protection Services. When I heard them knock on the door I got scared and ran out." I continue, quickly. "People were nice though… fed me, gave me water. One lady practically adopted me for that time. She died though, eventually… as I was put into a Home."

"…Age?"

"No, she was young. A car accident. Drunk driving. I'm pretty sure she was the victim, not the driver." I absently think of Zakku and Trace's friend. "But I'm getting ahead of myself. I was taken into foster care really quickly when some guy found me laying out in the street." I meet his eyes quickly for a moment before staring down at my half-empty plate. "It was a cold winter. And I get sick easily."

"Hey, are you…?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I have almost _no _memory of any of that stuff. I was too young." I shrug. "I think that I went through three foster homes that year. They were all nice, though the last were kind of distant… or maybe I was. I got used to packing up and leaving after I got really attached. I didn't want it to happen anymore."

He nods. "It's a really, really tricky system." When I look back at him, he elaborates more. "When Sora was little I was a social worker. It's really hard… there are a lot of sketchy people in this world."

"I know."  
A waiter walks up and refill's Mr. Hart's coffee. He doesn't speak again until the waiter's gone.

"Where did you stay after that?"

"Oh." I don't know why it surprises me that he cares so much. It shouldn't. "They found my aunt."

"…Uh-oh."

"Huh?"

"No, no…" He shakes his head and smiles just slightly. "From the way you said 'my aunt'…"

I smile a little, too.

"She and her husband were religious fanatics."

"One in every family."

I shrug. That probably _is _the case. "Multiple cancer scares as a teen… she prayed and prayed and prayed and always got through it. Then she just… went off the deep end." I take a sip of my ice-diluted tea. "So it was me, her, my uncle, and my cousin, who I think was really her friend's kid that she was taking care of temporarily. I was never really raised to believe in anything-- my grandparents weren't very religious, and I'd only occasionally go to church with my foster parents-- and I wouldn't accept everything she said blindly. I was always asking questions that she didn't know the answer to. She _hated_ me. She put me in this weirdo religious school with my cousin…" Mr. Hart nods.

"Oh, been there. Definitely."

"I got expelled after about a month for raising my hand… they thought I was questioning their faith. So I was put in a school in this little town called Darry. We lived in the next town over; it wasn't that much of a commute."

"How'd that work out?"

"Oh, you know. People thought I was weird for coming from the family I did. Or that I was snobby because I used to go to a private school. But it wasn't that bad. I got onto some sport teams so I wasn't treated like total shit… I guess what I lacked in social skills I made up for in my ability to kick a ball. Well, until my aunt made me quit. My classmates were pissed… so was the coach."

"Why'd she make you quit?"

"She found out I had to change in front of other guys. She was afraid it would make me gay or something." I can't hide a grin. Yeah, it's sure good that she stopped me before I could get any ideas… oh, _wait_.

"Unbelievable." He sighs, putting his head in his hands before looking up at me.

"I started to get bullied, so Auntie pulled me out an began home schooling me… my cousin, too. Turns out he had some sort of learning disability."

"Where was your uncle in all of this?"  
I shiver involuntarily. That guy was a _freak_. Almost as scary as Nathan.

"Twice a week he'd say prayers before dinner, and he'd discipline us when we misbehaved. That was about it. God, I was in trouble so much…" I laugh just because I'm starting to get a little tense. "What he'd do was… he'd fill the sink with water and just hold your head under until you starting struggling." I'm _almost _back there for a moment. Can't see, can't breathe. Is that abuse? I think that's abuse. "They thought it was 'cleansing' for the soul. Auntie and my cousin… they'd just sit there and _watch_…"

Mr. Hart puts his hand over mine. Shit, Riku, calm _down_. "I got sick of it, eventually."

"Of course."

"So I ran away. I'd had a… problem with running away when I was younger, so it came very naturally to me." I shiver again, but this time it's because of the cool breeze that kicks up and whips past my face. Icy, salty, ocean wind.

I really don't want to get to the next part. I don't want to tell him. Hell, I don't want to think about it.

No way.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine." I shift around and finish off my plate, as if I never told him anything.

"You know you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." Man, he reads me like a _book_.

"Yeah, I know." But I want to tell. I want him to know. I've never been able to be so open, to tell someone every detail, the _truth_. Not the half-true version I gave Sora, not the incomplete versions I gave Ms. Moran and Zakku. I've never had the courage, the right time, the right place.

Or the right person. "I'd had the plan to run away for a month before I got the courage to go." He's surprised I'm continuing. I can see it on his face. I guess I can read _him_, too. "I packed up in the middle of the night, but even still, when I went out into the hallway I ran into my uncle. He asked what I was doing out and…I panicked. I told him that I wanted to leave and we started to argue, so I pushed him. And when I did that… he fell and hurt himself."

I feel out of breath, but I couldn't tell you why. Mr. Hart is about to speak when our waiter sets our desserts in front of us. I've got strawberry cheesecake, he has chocolate. He digs in right away, but never takes his eyes off me. He's listening. He hasn't lost interest. "The same time next year he was dead… but I guess that's neither here nor there."

"What of?" He asks gently.

It takes me a moment to get it.

"Heart attack." But I still feel guilty, like it's all my fault. I know Auntie blamed me. If I hadn't put so much stress on him… he wouldn't have…

My cousin went to the junior high in Darry for about two weeks. _Auntie said I can't talk to you_, he had told me. Fuck her. Fuck _her_.

"If you don't finish that soon, it's going to disappear." Mr. Hart says suddenly, fork hovering over my plate. I laugh, grateful for his sense of humor.

"Take it." I say. "Go ahead." Still smirking, I push out my chair and lean back. "I'm full."

"So four courses were enough? Come on," He teases. "You can do it, Riku. Be a man." I lean over, putting my elbows up on the table, and laugh again. This feels good. A different waiter comes around to refill our drinks. One with silver-blue hair falling over just one eye; I recognize him as one of Axel's friends.

Oh… oh shit.

He's one of the guys I always see out at the club. I think he may also be the one who pushed me into the bathroom with Mister (who now swears up and down that he wouldn't _really _do anything, he was just trying to scare me a little).

Damn it. Please, _please _don't let him say anything to Mr. Hart…

He pours more tea into my glass and says, "Anything else I can get for you two?"

But he says it like we're a couple or something.

This is a challenge.

_Fucker._

"No, we're good." Mr. Hart replies. He's so oblivious. How can he be so oblivious?

The guy returns a while later with the check and makes a little quip about how Mr. Hart's paying for it all, a reference to Mister buying me drinks all the time.

That's not fair. That isn't even what's going on here.

I stand so quickly that my chair almost falls over, and storm out.

"Riku…?"

I leave feeling humiliated and childish. I don't care.

God damn it.

At the café, at the store, at school... They're _everywhere_. I can't escape it. "Riku!" Mr. Hart shouts, trailing far behind me. I wait by the car until he unlocks it with the single press of a button, and quickly sit inside. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

He's not buying it. I'd be sad if he did.

"It was that waiter, wasn't it?"

"How did you know?" I ask, shifting uncomfortably.

"Riku, I saw your face when he was walking up."

"Oh," I guess that'd do it, wouldn't it? "Yeah… he's just some guy I know." Barely. "Just some jerk."

"From school?"

"No."

And he knows what I mean.

"Oh. _Christ_, Riku…"

"I know it's _bad_, okay?"

"Okay." He says sternly. "Okay."

I shake my head as if to shake off the embarrassment.

"Sorry." I mutter.

"Don't worry about it." We sit in silence for a long time. "Do you want to finish what you were telling me about before?" I nod. "So," He says. "You found your parents, then."

"Yeah. Wasn't hard to. They lived in Darry."

"The next town over, right?" I nod again.

"I was ten or eleven then. I think. My mom was glad that I came back, but my father…" I slide down, putting my feet up on the dashboard. "No, not so much." Mr. Hart glances at me as I fold my arms, but he mainly looks forward; I prefer it. It doesn't feel so much like I'm in the spotlight. Or being interrogated, as he put it earlier. "He was distant at first. I mean, he would always be distant. But in the beginning, that was the extent of it. He pretty much ignored me mot of the time, but it was okay. Nathan-- my dad was… a bit of a drinker. But that was bearable too. I was just happy to be with them."  
I don't know if I should leave my story here or keep going. God, Nathan, fuck you. Why do I feel so bad whenever I say bad things about you? It's the truth. "Thing is… it didn't stay bearable. He started drinking more, getting irritable. He'd… I don't know. Say stuff."

"What kind of 'stuff'?"

I shake my head. "Just stuff. Doesn't matter." I squish down into the warmth of my sweatshirt as I continue. Mr. Hart pushes my bangs out of my face again; I shake my head and my hair falls back into place. Maybe I should get it cut. "It didn't take him long to become a full-blown alcoholic… or relapse or stop hiding it or whatever. Everything got worse. When he was drunk he was abusive, when he was sober he was still cold and aloof. I don't remember if it was hm or my aunt who did this, but I know I got locked into places a few times. My room, or a closet…" Mr. Hart sits helpfully silent. I change the subject. "They put me into the school that Auntie pulled me out of the year before. It was a nightmare. I was _loathed_. The bullying didn't even end when the bell rang; it followed me everywhere I went. The worst part was not knowing what I did wrong or how to stop it. It just escalated. So I gave up. I stopped trying to get good grades," _nerd, suck up, know-it-all_, "and just let myself fail until Nathan--and some of my classmates-- started drawing attention to it." _stupid, idiot, retard, _"I stopped even attempting to be likable to other people." _asshole, pig, loser, _"It just didn't matter to me."Until maybe the insults got worse, more personal, more girly. Going from bastard to bitch or from dick to pansy. Not to mention one week I was a prude and the next they started calling me whore, like it was hilarious.

"Where'd you say this was, again?"

"Darry." His face is blank. "If you've never heard of it, don't worry. It's a shithole little town. Most people who've passed through never even knew they've been there." The land that time forgot. "It had a population of maybe a couple thousand, so everyone knew each other. Went to school together, church together, work together… things like that. All of them. And you couldn't do a thing without everyone knowing about it. One person's cold was everyone's cold. There was nothing to do, no where to go… especially if you had no friends. I couldn't escape to the beach or to a club there like I can here." I bite my lip, knowing I've said way too much. But this is good. I think this is good.

"It sounds like _hell_."

"It was." Again we fall into silence. The car's warmth is a great contrast to the cold air outside; I'm getting a headache.

"I grew up by the ocean." Mr. Hart says, suddenly. "I loved going to the beach, surfing… I felt really free. So when I moved to Suandie-- where I met Karen and we later had Sora-- that was really bad, too. It was this suburb that was completely inland, and there was nothing of interest for me there. I know exactly what you're saying. You start feeling like there's no escape. It's why I came back." He adds quickly, "And I regret leaving my family. I loved Karen, and I love Sora. I didn't mean to just abandon him. Taking the easy way out isn't usually like me. But I felt like I was suffocating. Is that how you felt?" I nod, but he can't see. I always wanted to be by the sea, too. Maybe for the same reason, though before this place I'd never even seen the ocean. "So it was just you and your dad, then?" The abrupt subject change surprises me.

"No, my mom was there too." In spirit.

"Right, that's right. Sorry." I shrug.

"She was there but she was… she was sick."

"…Physically?"

"Yeah, that too." I grin. "She wasn't _crazy_. Don't get me wrong. She just… she'd get stressed and have these _breakdowns_. She couldn't cope. She was in the hospital a lot those first few years, but she got better. And she was always there for me." I sigh, thinking about the times when she'd disappear for a week or so. Nathan always told me she was off visiting some relative, but that wasn't true, was it? I guess it never occurred to me before that she was probably in the hospital more than I thought.

That maybe Nathan, for once, wanted to protect me.

God, of course that's it.

"You okay?"

"I'm great." Yeah. If _this _won't scare him off, nothing will. "After a while-- when I was thirteen, I guess, I started showing the same signs. And there was this little voice in the back of my head that _constantly _was repeating things my classmates would say, my dad would say. My parents put me on this medication, and it just… drained me." Sound familiar, _sir_? "I completely lost it one day at school, during lunch. I was waning off the meds, had gotten into a fight with my dad that morning-- usually he was at work by the time I needed to get to school; I don't know why he didn't go that day-- and the night before, a bunch of kids had pulled a really… a vicious prank."

I remember it too well.

My parents were both out, so I was alone. I had just come out of the shower when the phone rang, so I tucked my towel around my waist and went to answer it; I was waiting for a business call Nathan told me to listen for, as we had no answering machine. So I waited and picked up every time, faithfully, obediently, spinelessly.

First it was just breathing; cliché, not threatening, an obvious joke. I was unfazed as I went upstairs to throw on a large T-shirt. Prank calls weren't uncommon. The phone rang again, and again I answered it: names hurled at me. Nasty names. The kind of things you'd see on a bathroom wall. The third time, animal sounds. Cows, sheep, horses, pigs. Mostly pigs. Of course pigs. There was something so repulsive and eerie about it that I slammed the phone down. I turned to go upstairs, but the phone rang again.

I didn't want to answer it; didn't want to miss Nathan's important call.

My fear of Nathan outweighed everything: I picked up the phone again. It was a threat, this time.

I simply turned away and it rang yet again. _Why don't you put some clothes on and come out side? _He said.

It wasn't the words that scared me, but the message: who ever these people were… they could _see me_. This wasn't a joke anymore.

They (who?) were (where?) watching me. And if they (how many?) wanted to hurt me, how would I defend myself? Trapped inside, half-dressed, in the dark?

I locked all the doors and windows in the house and I retreated to my room. The phone rang. It rang and rang and rang and I ignored it and ignored it. Double-, triple- checking that my lockless door still couldn't be opened. The phone start again, for the last time, as I heard the sounds of glass shattering, of yelling and animal noises, of a steady rain beginning to fall.

The next morning, Nathan discovered that he missed his important call.

And he let me know it.

"Then when I got to school the morning after… I was tired. Really shaken from the joke and feeling guilty for upsetting my dad. It didn't help that this group of guys who really hated me were being _relentless _and all day people just kept making _animal noises_ at me."

"Why animal noises?"

I shrug, helplessly.

"It just… it didn't stop. I lost it. I was a mess. Screaming, yelling, punching lockers… I injured both of my hands and an arm, scratched my eye. It's all a blur, really. Later my parents threw me into a hospital the town over to see if… if something was wrong with me."

Mr. Hart's calm acceptance pisses me off. "I was _institutionalized._ Don't you get it? I'm…"

"I understand." He says. "And Riku, it's _okay_."

It's okay, he says. How can he tell me things like this with a straight face?  
No… he isn't surprised, is he? I bark a laugh because I can't believe the words coming out of his mouth and if I don't laugh I'll _cry _and there's not a chance in _hell_ that I'm crying, especially not in front of him.

"No, it isn't. It's not okay."

He only repeats himself, putting his arm around me, pulling me close to him. I shake my head to get the final word before nuzzling my face into his chest for one quick moment before I realize what I'm doing, and what, exactly, that means. It doesn't help that I can see that _waiter _again, looking straight ahead as he leaves the café, now out of uniform, and keeps moving to his car. "Let's just go."

"Aye aye." Says Mr. Hart.

-

Once we get back I change into my new clothes. They're a good fit, which is a nice change from the too-tight clothes borrowed from Axel and the too-loose clothes from before I started on drugs. I take my time leaving my room and out into the kitchen. Mr. Hart is in the TV room, just across from me. He turns around after hearing the sound of the cupboard closing. I really need a glass of water.

"Looking good." He says.

"…Thanks." I semi-hesitantly stride to the chair next to the couch. By this time, Mr. Hart's attention is back on whatever show he was watching before I came in. Some parody of the news. I slump over, sipping idly from the glass with a long-faded design. It isn't until the commercials after the credits pop up that Mr. Hart looks my way again. He turns down the TV really, really low.

"Whenever you want to finish our talk… just go ahead. I want to know you."

"Oh." I'm uncomfortable right now and I know he sees it, but he isn't helping. Jerk. "Okay. Definitely." Can't wait.

God I'm tired. What a rough day… I curl up and close my eyes, not meaning to but falling asleep anyhow.

I wake up when the timer on the oven goes off. It makes me feel disoriented somehow, and the blaring TV makes me wonder where I am. I guess I was dreaming about being out on the street.

But I'm here.

And it's warm. And there's food, water… and a confession to make.

No; not a confession. I don't have anything to 'confess', anything to be ashamed of. (But God, I feel like I do.) Mr. Hart… he accepts me. "I don't know where I left off before." I tell him as we sit. Eating while having talks like this make it easier somehow. I appreciate the distraction.

"You were in the hospital."

"Right." I agree. "I don't remember the stay… I was too drugged out the whole time. When I was released… getting back into the swing of things wasn't hard. People left me alone. My dad left me alone." If they were all afraid of me… I wouldn't be surprised. (Only one idiot had the guts to mess with me, some friend of Nero's. 'We all _knew _you were crazy,' he said. 'Shut up,' Nero muttered.) But with Nathan… he was actually _nice_ to me for a little while. He could be when he wanted. "Later they got Zakku to-- you know Zakku, don't you?"

"I've met him."

"Zakku was kind of popular." Kind of? "He was really popular. He worked part-time at the business my Dad worked at and he volunteered, got good grades, so adults just loved him. His classmates loved him. Hell, everyone did. He was good-looking, funny, athletic, smart, this kind of 'nice guy' with a party-boy streak in him. He genuinely liked _people_." I shrug. "I admired him. Everyone did. When he came up to me one day and just started talking to me… well, once I got past my suspicions (he was friends with my enemies) I had never been happier. It didn't last."

"…It was a joke, wasn't it?"

I nod.

"And I knew it was. I just… I _knew _it. I left after that. I couldn't take it. Aside from one of my teachers I didn't have a friend in the world, the one person I told about my dad abusing me didn't even believe me, and no matter what I did it just came to bite me in the ass." I shake my head. "You know, when Zakku came here for college… I had completely forgotten about him. I made myself forget. To say that the memories came back in a wave is an understatement… they hit me in the head like a brick. It was so overwhelming. I had wanted to get as far away from them as possible." I shrug. "So I did. I thought I did. And that was… interesting. After a while when you're on the street you get used to fighting to survive, avoiding perverts… It all comes natural after a while. Didn't bother me. But… you start to feel like you're going crazy. I ended up joining this gang."

Mr. Hart opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off.

"I just… it felt good to belong; to be a part of something. Even if it wasn't good. I felt like maybe I wasn't going crazy after all. But I left them and moved on because the lifestyle wasn't for me. The leader… he and I bonded, I guess, and we was pissed when I just up and left." If by bond you mean that'd I'd stay up with him all hours of the night and 'talk' or maybe slash my arms because _he _did it, and refusing would hurt more than just sucking it up and _doing it _or if by pissed you mean 'he hunted me down like an animal for the next year'. But whatever. Close enough. "It was after that I found Sora. Not right after; maybe even a year later. He'd been attacked by that same gang," God, they were _stalking _me. "And I just felt bad _leaving _him there, so I helped him out. Got him away from them. Cleaned his wounds."

"You saved his life."

"No."

"You scared off the thugs, took care of him, and let him come with you. You saved him."

"…Did Sora tell you that?" I ask wearily. He nods. "Well, he really romanticized it." Mr. Hart smiles, almost knowingly. I absently note that I haven't taken a bite of food. "He was… really difficult. He wanted to be friends, partners, whatever. I didn't. So I pushed him away and yelled at him and told him to leave me the hell alone and he kept pushing back, trying to make nice, trying to fix things. His constant attention," and need _for_ it "annoyed me. I don't know when or why or how I ever fell for him. But I did. And I guess that's it. That's all of it."

Mr. Hart puts his hand over mine and squeezes. He doesn't say a word and he doesn't try to hug me or anything like that. Good. I prefer it that way; No muss. No fuss. No big deal. Only after a few minutes pass does he finally get up, taking our plates and dumping them in the sink. Neither of us are hungry.

"I'm going to bed." I tell him when he gets back. He seems a little surprised.

"Oh, alright." He says.

The second I get into the guest room/my room I crawl under the covers and sleep. It's been a long day.

A long day.

A long week.

-

I wake suddenly a little after midnight. I'm jittery, just a little, and can't fall back asleep. I think Sora finally came home from his friend's place--probably Roxas's-- sometime after I went to bed at 7. He probably isn't up.

And what does it matter to me…

After a few more minutes of tossing and turning, I slide out of bed and walk quietly into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I drink slowly; the cool water feels refreshing… I don't think I realized how dry my throat was. A door opens and closes, but I don't pay any mind until I look up to see Mr. Hart just _standing _there.

"God," I gasp, dropping the glass. It doesn't shatter, thankfully.

"Sorry. Are you okay?"  
I shrug it off, as if that never happened.

"I'm fine. Just couldn't fall asleep."

"Oh."

"I had a nightmare." I tell him, although I don't know why. He says, 'oh' again, but with a different inflection.

"If you need to…" He starts before changing his mind. "Do you want me to stay up with you?"

"No," I say. "It's fine." But then something… _happens_. "Yeah, actually…would you?" He just smiles and nods and we head to the couch.

"You know," Mr. Hart says, suddenly. "You should give yourself more credit. You've done a lot of good," For the last time, I _didn't save_ Sora. "And you could have turned out worse."

"Yeah, but I'm selfish." I mutter. "I guilt people because I can, I don't care abut how the things I do impact others. I'm on drugs because it's _fun. _If Sora hadn't looked like someone I dreamt about before I left Darry… I wouldn't even have given him a second thought. I'm _selfish_."

"You won't always be." He replies.

The two of us sit in silence before I finally rest my head on his shoulder, feeling my eyes get heavier and heavier before I drift back to sleep.

And yeah, I feel childish-- I'm seventeen for Christ's sake-- but some part of me that I thought long dead feels safe, secure, wanted.

It isn't so bad.


	33. Sora: Changes

_Note: _I think this is the most eventful chapter so far. I like it for that, though I think it reads a little awkwardly. I kept adding stuff last minute. So… enjoy? Oh yeah, and the guy Sora's with briefly in this chapter… I didn't feel like naming him. Sorry, laziness on my part.

Home  
Chapter 33  
(Sora's POV)

So, Riku finally bothered to show up. I wish I cared more. He's been so unpredictable lately that I'm at a point where I'm just waiting for him to run off again. I'm done with him. Simple as that. I love him so much and I wish more than anything that we could have made this work, but I guess no matter how much I try it just doesn't matter if he's not in on it, too. _Zakku can have him_. It sucks, yeah, but that's life and I'll get over it. I've gone on plenty of dates with really great guys; enough to know that there are other fish in the sea.

And _right_ now… I'm content, I guess. Dad and I put up a hammock in the backyard a while back and that's where I've been all afternoon. It's sunny today but still cool. It feels really, really good. Maybe I'll call Roxas later, see if he wants to hang out. I want Kairi to sleep over, but she's off somewhere with her family all break. I wish I was with Aunt Taylor and Andrew. I want to see the snow… Next year, next year. I sigh and close my eyes, sliding down to get more comfortable.

"Hey," Riku says; I jump. I did _not _know he was there.

"Hey," I mumble.

"Can I…?" He starts, motioning to the empty space on my hammock.

"No room." I tell him, but it's an obvious lie. I don't want to be a total ass to him or anything, but… would it be _too _bad if I said he deserves it?

"Oh." Is his disappointed delayed reaction.

"Yeah. Sorry."

He doesn't reply but just stands there for a little while.

"Sora?" He asks, finally.

"Huh?"

He puts his face really close to mine and I wince while he kisses me. But I don't stop him. Before he leaves he mutters something that _might _have been 'I love you', but I don't know.

If it was… well, that changes things.

Jerk.

I'm half-tempted to tell him where to shove it, but I love him too and no matter how mad I am at him, there's no way I'm hurting him like that. And maybe he didn't say anything and I just imagined it or dreamed it.

--

Riku leaves halfway through dinner tonight. That's not really a surprise to me so much as Dad's reaction.

"When are you going to be back?" Dad asks, as if Riku's _not _going to go out and shoot up or whatever it is he does.

That stops both of us.

"Oh. I… I don't know." Riku says.

"Alright." Dad replies, shrugging.

That was weird.

--

The rest of break is so boring that I'm actually glad when school comes back. The holiday was nice, I got some cool stuff, and Riku stuck around for a while before going to parts unknown. But after that… nothing to do.

Health has been over for a long time, so it's not hard to avoid Riku on the days when he actually shows up. I'm savoring the last of my days sharing a class with Roxas, because I doubt we'll have classes together next term. And it turns out that Chris and I signed up for a lot of the same electives, so…

Well, I like him and all, but having classes with him would be too much work. He just doesn't know when to shut up.

Kairi, Tidus and everyone are all hanging out this afternoon, but I'm stuck working on some dumb essay. Figures. I don't mind that much though because I haven't really been feeling very social lately. I think I'm just tired. By the time I'm back into the swing of things I should be good.

Riku continues to go out to do drugs, and Dad and I continue to be totally indifferent. I think it bothers him, but I can never tell.

On Wednesday, I get asked out by a guy on the Lacrosse team. Hell yes, I tell him. So this Saturday we're going to have dinner and see a movie. It feels like I've done this a thousand times, but it's always fun and kind of flattering. The weekend comes by quickly and I have a blast with him. He's super nice and really funny, and he buys me the giant pack of Milk Duds at the movies, where we watch guys blow stuff up for two hours. We were originally going to see a horror film but that was kind of my thing with Riku… Before we started school, when we had _just _gotten together, we'd stay up and watch crappy slasher movies on TV; I'd pretend to be scared just to have an excuse to sleep extra close with him that night.

And this guy isn't Riku.

We had plans to go to a nicer place for dinner, but we're so starving by the time the movie ends that we just head over to the fast food place next door. I'm kind of excited… maybe we can be something. I really like him.

My little fantasy ends that night as he drops me off. As we're kissing, there is _definitely _something that doesn't click. He's not bad by any means but there's just something… weird. Too much tongue, way too much force. I tell myself, maybe he's just jittery since it's our first date, or enthusiastic since it was such a good night.

But I'm not even convincing myself. He asks me to go out with him again, and I tell him I'll definitely think about it. Probably not the right answer, but oh well. He should have kissed better.

--

It finally happens on Tuesday.

We're eating dinner, the three of us, when Riku finally says it.

"I'm quitting." He says. Two glorious words.

But it still takes us a moment to get it. Or, for me at least. Is he… is he being serious? Or is he just lying, a ploy to get us to quit ignoring him? Would he do that? Considering some of the things he's done since he started drugs, I can't say.

"What?" Dad asks.

"I'm not on drugs anymore. As of today." He seems sincere.

I think he means it.

Our reaction definitely scares him as we go from total silence to happy, congratulatory yelling and leaning over the table to hug him.

This didn't just make my day, it made my _year_. I can't stop telling him how much I love him. And once our little display is over, he embarrassedly shrugs and continues eating.

Screw those other guys. Maybe Riku and I can finally make it work.

It's about fucking time.

--

I trail him around all night. I'm too happy to be mad at him, to make accusations, or to guilt him. I think he deserves all that, definitely, but more than that, I… he… _we _deserve to be happy.

It's nearly midnight. I wish I could say we've been doing passionate boyfriend-y stuff for the past two hours, but I'm too wary of him to really want to touch. I guess I feel like this is some big trick. I don't really trust him; not anymore. Way too many nights of him being really nice, doing everything _but _having sex with me as a way to butter me up so I wouldn't get mad at him for being out until 4AM, and then turning around and being a total ass. He hurt me too much. I guess always saw him as flawless in a way, and throughout the year, hell, by the time we were living with Dad, that image just began shattering more and more.

Okay, Sora. He's not perfect. You _knew _that. Don't be so disappointed in who he is.

This is a new chapter in our _lives_. No amount of anger, disappointment, or confusion can make me less excited. "Riku, what made you quit?" I ask.

"It was time to stop being selfish." He says simply. I think that teacher was right; once we just let him do his own thing, he came around. How could I be so stupid? That's how it's always been.

"God, I love you." I find myself muttering. He's finally grown the hell up.

"I love you, too." Riku says after a moment's hesitation. It feels good to hear him say it. There's actually proof that my feelings have been returned completely. I couldn't be happier.

"Hey," I mutter a little while later. I don't think he's still awake, but I might as well give it a try.

"What?" …Nevermind then.

"I dated while you were gone."

Dead silence. Not good.

"It's okay, Sora." He says. "It's… really. It's okay."

"I just didn't know if we were still together." I explain anyhow. He really doesn't seem to mind… but how do I know what he's really thinking. "It was never serious…"

When did I get so paranoid?

Why am I being so paranoid?

"Plus… I kind of slept with Zakku a few times, so…" _What? _"Wait, no! Not like that. I didn't _sleep with him_, I…"

"Okay, then what do you mean?" I have no words.

"I meant… we'd be talking until late at night and I'd just get too tired to go to my own bed. So."

"Were you sober?"  
He turns to look at me. Ah, the return of the 'you're a moron' look.

"Of course I was." He snaps, but he sounds embarrassed.

"Then I believe you!" I say a little too loudly, kissing his forehead.

"I'm _flattered_." He replies. But the venom in his voice I've become so used to isn't there. Not tonight.

Not anymore. "I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't freak if Zakku were to make jokes about when we 'slept together'. I know he will." That sounds like something he'd do. "Hey, Sora?"

"Huh?"

"Look… it's going to be really hard for me to quit." He smiles a little. "All I want right now is to go out." I take his hand in mine and squeeze it.

"I'm here for you. You're going to get through this."

"I hope so."

"You _are_. Dad and I are here; we'll do whatever it takes."

"I know," He says. "I'm not worried about that. It's me."

"You're strong. This'll be easy for you."

He shakes his head, turning around. "I hope so." I shrug and close my eyes. "Run away with me." He says.

I bolt up.

"What did you say?"

He doesn't speak until I lay down and turn to face him.

"Nothing."

He buries his face in my neck and sleeps.

Weird.

--

What I said was wrong. Withdrawal is being really unkind to Riku: he's moody and depressed a lot, bound to fits of total anger. So I guess he's pretty much normal. But I don't mind so much when there's a reason for it, and he's not just an asshole because he can be. He's looking healthier, at least. He's gotten some color back in his face, his hair has the sheen it used to, and he's got his appetite back.

And he's at _trying_. He's gotten good at holding his tongue.

…Sometimes. God, nothing's harder than watching my boyfriend fighting with my dad. I don't even know

what _happened _in the five minutes I went upstairs that upset both of them so much. I think it's the first time I've seen Dad fight back; usually he's so collected. So I just hang around in my room, getting ready for Riku to storm up and Dad to make some coffee and retreat into his office as if nothing had happened.

I lay on my bed, idly reading some stupid chain letters Kairi always emails me, when I hear a noise I recognize _instantly._ Someone just got punched. I turn off my laptop and swing my legs off the bed, rushing downstairs.

"What happened?" I ask. What did Riku do? What did…

Oh my God.

It takes a moment for the sight in front of me to really make any sense: Riku's clutching one side of his face, eyes wide. Dad still has his hand up, fingers clenched tightly.

"Sora," They both say, just slightly out-of-sync with one another.

"What happened?" I ask again.

Riku mutters something about how nothing happened, and Dad tells me to go back upstairs. That he'll talk to me later.

I go upstairs without arguing, straight to my room, sitting on my bed in awe. Yeah, I better get an explanation for this.

Riku's the first one to come up. He looks a little…disturbed, face still red and just a bit puffy, but generally okay.

"Riku?"

"Yeah." He says, walking straight to the bathroom. His voice is oddly steady. I follow after him; he looks at himself in the mirror and sighs, splashing some water on his face. "Listen, if you want to know what happened, I kept trying to piss him off and he hit me." I can't believe how calm he's being about this.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Trust me," He says. "I've been beaten on worse for more _unfair_ reasons." I wince at the statement. "I'll live." He offers me a real, genuine smile before going back to washing his face and muttering something about how it was bound to happen eventually.

Dad walks in about a half hour later, and he and Riku go off for a little while to talk. They're just outside the door, and I can hear them, sort of. I don't listen though. For once. I guess this shook me more than anyone else. It just… I'm really surprised, that's all. Dad comes in to talk with me, get things cleared up, but I tell him I understand.

That night, Riku doesn't eat dinner with us but that isn't unusual. He's been eating at really weird times, usually when I'm going to bed. I guess he's just used to staying up late; it drives Dad crazy but of course he doesn't say a thing about it. Eh, it'll change soon enough. One of them will get tired eventually.

--

Riku doesn't usually wake me when he finishes eating, but he does tonight. I guess I'm just stressed out. Spring's approaching again, which means schoolwork will be picking up more than ever and it'll be even harder to keep my grades up. Now with the added pressure of helping Riku stay sober! (How the hell is he going to get his D's and F's up halfway through his Senior year?) But no worry… I really have faith that this will all work out for the best.

"Riku?" I ask when I see the bathroom light switch on.

"What?"

"Wanna do something tomorrow?"

"…Like a date?"

No, like a cult initiation. Welcome to the straightedge club!

"Yeah. A date."

He says alright before shutting the door and turning on the sink. The water stops as abruptly as it started when he opens the door again. The sudden light streaming into the bedroom is blinding, like stepping out of a movie theatre in the afternoon. "But that's Sunday," he says. "School night." Wow, that sounded like it was hard for him to say. Still… at least he's stepping it up.

"Three-day." I tell him. I fall asleep shortly after. I don't know if it's in a dream or if I'm still half-awake, but I swear I can feel Riku kiss my cheek when he comes to bed.

--

The restaurant we eat at on Sunday is packed, but even though I'm hungry I don't mind the wait. We're stuck waiting ten minutes for a table, the whole time I'm latched on to Riku's arm. He seems tired but not irritable. Occasionally he puts a hand on my shoulder or strokes the back of my neck.

We're silent until we're seated.

"I'm going job hunting tomorrow," He says idly. "Get some driving lessons soon… I can't take the bus all my life." Actually, here some people do and it works out fine for them. Still, driving lessons would be helpful.

"That's good!" I say. "That's really good." He shrugs and smiles.

"How's it been for you? Crashed into anything yet?"

I laugh; it's nice to hear him joking, even if it's at my expense. (Yeah, I became one of those jerks who got a car for their sixteenth birthday. It was really cool… I wish Riku had been there. I would have traded everyone else at the party for him.) "You okay?"

"Yep." I reply. Guess I got too wrapped up in my thoughts. "Everything's awesome." Hesitantly, he puts his hand over mine. In the somewhat dim lighting, I can still see the red mark on his face. It distracts me for a moment, but I get over it. "You look tired."

"I guess I am… I'm not sleeping anymore."

I'm really glad I'm not him.

Is that a terrible thing to say? But it's the truth. He so, _so _fucked up his life and he's only begun to notice.

Or maybe he's only begun to care.

His problem, I told him once during a fight/screaming match, wasn't that he can't make a good decision to save his life. If he wanted to, he probably could. His problem was that he was always purposely picking the one choice that would hurt him and everyone around him the most. (He said 'bite me' and walked out, slamming the door behind him.)

But I really feel confident that _that's _about to change, if the way Riku's leaning over to kiss me is any indication of the way we're going to be from now on.

It's not perfect.

It never will be.

But it's an improvement.

He's _trying_.

"Sleeping pills," I suggest a full minute later.

"Yeah, because I mix so fantastically well with medication." He replies, rolling his eyes. The sarcasm is unusually gentle. I shrug sheepishly as he laughs at me. After a bout of awkward silence, a waitress brings our food over. Riku doesn't eat right away, spreading his food around the plate before digging in.

"People at school miss you." I tell him through my mouth full of spaghetti..

"Oh." He says, looking down. "Yeah. I guess I was gone for a while."

"I told everyone that you got really sick, but you'd be okay. Just so you know."

"Thanks." He replies, then, "Thanks for everything."

"No sweat."

He smiles.

--

Our conversation picked up halfway through dinner. No more awkward pauses or long silences; we don't shut up through the whole bus ride home. I think it's annoying the driver. We let ourselves in the house and move over to the couch, still talking but kissing a little too… it's uncomfortable though. _Why _is it uncomfortable? Why doesn't any of this feel natural, even just talking? Do we have to get used to each other again?

"Sora," Riku mutters.

"Yeah?"

There's a pause before he says, clear as day: "Let's get married."

…All right, _that _Iwas not expecting.

"_What_?" I ask, laughing a little. "Riku, what are you talking about?" Wait… "Are you kidding…?" He must be.

"Never mind." He says.

But he must have been.

--

Have I mentioned that I feel bad for Riku? From what I hear, he was almost dropped from his classes because he kept failing to show, and he is _more _than failing. Riku had a hard time just convincing his teachers not to drop him, let alone giving him extra credit and make up work. But they did, and Riku's been working nonstop ever since. He's sick a lot, mostly feeling the effects of withdrawal, but he can never stop to catch his breath. Not to mention that he can't get work. Looks like no one ones to hire an ex-druggie. I wonder why… but not really. He _has _got his learner's permit, at least, but he still takes the bus everywhere.

I'm just glad he's somewhat in control of his life again. Partying did weird things to him, and all those weird traits have been almost entirely gone since the day he quit. He's still a complete asshole most of the time, especially to me, but that will go away.

The issue _now _is his whole I-hate-the-world thing.

"Fuck," He mutters, chewing at his thumbnail, writing rapidly. "Fuckfuck_fuck_."

"Uh, everything okay?" I ask.

"Ten pages."

"What?"

"I have to write ten pages on a subject I don't give a shit about and turn it in in _two days_. I have four other classes, what the hell…" Jeez, I heard his teachers were tough but I had no idea how _true _that was. "What time is it?"

"Nine."

"_Damn it_."

"Calm down," I tell him, but we both know he's kinda screwed.

"I know, I know. I'll get it done… go to bed."

"What?"

"Don't wait up for me," He says. "Get some sleep."

If it were any other day I'd give some kind of retort or argument, but not today. It's not that important.

"Alright," I say, echoing the words that we always hear from Dad: "But just get to bed at a decent hour, okay?" Riku snorts, but he's at least smiling a little.

--

Riku and I were never lovey-dovey or whatever at school due to his need for personal space and my extreme disliking of public displays of affection and through the year we kind of separated as I started hanging out with Roxas. So even though we're back together, people at school don't seem to notice too much. It doesn't help that Riku now spends all his spare time at school studying in the library. Hanging out before and after school is mainly how people saw us… I don't know how _that_ earned us the whole 'inseparable' title, but there you have it.

It doesn't bother me, though. I wasn't expecting a parade.

But it does cause a really awkward situation one day at break.

"Sora," Says the guy I went out with a few weeks ago. "I haven't seen you around lately."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I just back together with my boyfriend… so…" He's quiet; I laugh nervously like an idiot.

"Oh." He says finally. "That's good, then."

"Um, yeah." He's taking this oddly well. Of course, I never really called him again, so why wouldn't he? As he walks away, waving, I'm wondering if I've become conceited.

Nah.

--

I was wrong. Again. I don't know if it's true or not, but there's a rumor going around that he was pissed I'm back with Riku. Something about him calling me a tramp and phony or something. Honestly, I don't really buy it. If someone really called me that, it was probably another lacrosse player trying to be sympathetic and someone over heard it. But whatever… I've been through so much worse I don't even care. No one will even remember by next week.

"They're all idiots, anyway," Roxas says after school before heading to the library.

I'm halfway to the bus stop when I get a call from Riku, telling me that he's in the library until 5. May as well…

I turn back and go to the library, too. I'm kind of surprised by how busy it is. I sit at a small round table that Kairi, Tidus, and Wakka are sitting. The guys leave almost immediately after I arrive to go to practice. A lot of the sport teams practice on the same days, so they promise to tell who ever said that stuff about me to step off. I tell them they don't have to, but they insist. I don't know why, it'll just turn this all into a big issue. Everyone cares about this more than I do. It's weird. Kairi and I continue with homework when Riku storms over.

"I'm going," He says.

"Oh okay… hold on, let me get my stuff." I push my binder in my bag and get up. He walks out quickly and I have to struggle to keep up. "Where're we going?"

"Back to your place."

"The bus doesn't arrive for another hour!"

"We're walking."

"Oh, okay," I know I shouldn't ask him what's going on… but… what's got him so upset? Stress? Idiots? All of the above?

"It's nothing." He insists. "Don't worry about it."

"Okay." I reply with a shrug. He can handle it, I guess.

--

Friday rolls around not a moment too soon, and I'm spending the evening just relaxing and pigging out in front of the TV. There's a movie marathon tonight on channel six.

…Huh. It's five o'clock, where's Riku? There's no way he's still at the library.

There's a really sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach and I don't think it's the day-old pizza. I trust Riku; I do. But… he's not the most reliable person around and the withdrawal _is _really painful for him…

No. No way. He wouldn't go back. He _couldn't_.

Okay. That's it. I'm not going to sit around and worry. The library closed a while ago and, ever the responsible one, Riku doesn't even have his phone with him.

I'm going to find out where he is. No, that's not important. I need to find where he _isn't_. I won't bother Roxas… I can go myself.

I stand, turning off the TV and scrawling a note for Dad as my body goes into auto-pilot mode, forgetting to take my brain with it. I hop into my car-- I don't have time to wait for the bus.

Not knowing how to get where you need to go, especially if you've been there before, _especially _when you're in a hurry, is not fun. I keep having to slam on the brake at red lights. I'm not usually this bad of a driver, I swear. The people behind me must think I'm drunk. They keep honking at me.

…Crap! How long has the light been green for?

Hold on.

I think I've found the club that Riku went (goes?) to. There's no parking, so I make do and hope that I won't get towed. I hastily make my way to the redheaded guy's house, hoping it isn't so crowded this time.

I'm on the ground before I even realize what happened.

What did I trip over…?

No, wait.

_Who _did I trip over?

There's a stiff, short groan coming from the lump on the ground. It's probably just some drunkard.

…_Shit_! Oh my… oh, _shit_.

There's blood on the leg of my jeans, where I fell.

It's not mine.

"God," I gasp. Well, I found the redheaded guy. "Are you alright?"

"I was stabbed in the back by a friend... Actually, you can take that literally." He laughs weakly. "And I think I'm dying. But other than that…"

"You're not going to die." I tell him. "I'll call 911, I'll help you--"

He shakes his head.

"I have AIDS. My blood's gonna kill me whether it's in my body or on the pavement. Speaking of which, you might want to trash your pants later. Wouldn't want to get infected, now would we? Hope you don't have any open wounds."

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. How can he be so _calm_?

"Do you want me to, uh, stay with you or something?"

"That'd just be fanfucking--" He winces suddenly, shifting and gasping. "Good."

"Here," I say, kneeling by him and folding my jacket into a pillow for him. "Is that better?"

"I'm still _dying_, aren't I?"  
I frown; he laughs. How can he be so okay with it?

"Hey," I ask. "I don't want to be a jerk but… how did you get infected?"

"Never share needles." He replies simply.

"Oh."

"S'okay."

Tying not to be a jerk and failing…

He looks away, sighing and coughing. "I don't mind."

I try not to freak when he shifts and winces again, coughing more. I must have gotten here right after he was…  
and now he's…

Christ. I'm scared out of my mind. Am I _really _helping him?

"You're okay," I tell him. "You're okay."

He looks like shit, having a hard time keeping his eyes open and gasping more than breathing. "I'm not going anywhere. You're okay." He starts saying alright, but has to mouth the second syllable.

"I keep telling myself I would have died anyway," He murmurs. Damn, he's really hanging on and I can't tell whether that's good or bad. I think he's getting delusional. He seems so detached, so far away all of the sudden. I wonder if he even knows where he is anymore. "I used to fake illness to get drugs from the hospital when I was a preteen," The guy continues. "He didn't even know. He was my friend but he never knew."

"Who?"

"I didn't stand a chance. Then when I met Xemnas…"

"Who?"

"And he gave me all this stuff…" I brush his hair, slick with sweat, back out of his face. "My aunt was so _mad_ when she found out. So when she kicked me out… God, I never stood a chance."

"Shh, calm down."

"I knew your boyfriend would make me a lot of money… he was so fucking _depressed_ when we met I knew he'd get wrapped up in it. I could pay rent… keep buying…" There's quiet, then it starts up again. "And bastard Marluxia… kicked me out of my _own place_… he had the knife in his hand but I just kept…"

"Close your eyes. Get some rest." I stroke his hair again. "Don't think about it. Don't waste the time."

He does what I say, but doesn't stop mumbling incoherently. Then, one name pops out at me; it's said _so _clearly.

"Roxas."

"Wait… what?" I ask, words considerably less calm than all that bull I was spewing earlier.

"Where is he?"

"He's uh…"

"I want to see him," He says. "Just _once_. I should… at least get _that_."

"I'm sorry." I reply sincerely. I guess I know how close he and Roxas used to be, from the way Roxas talked about him that one time…

"You're close enough."

"…What?"

"Yeah." He mumbles. "You make me feel how he did... Calm and shit."

"Shh."

He quit talking a long time ago, and with one more 'Roxas', the mumbling's over now. He's breathing deep and slow. And then… he finally stops hanging on. He closes his eyes, lets himself go limp, and dies. I let him go, looking like he's sleeping and will walk home in a few hours. But he's too bloody, too pale. Too sweaty, too dirty.

I feel like I should do something, like say something respectful for him. Just some indication that he's _gone_. "It wasn't fair. I'm sorry." I say finally, turning and leaving.

When I get in my car, I curl up and weep for a guy who turned my boyfriend into a drug addict, ruined my best friend's life, and whose name I never even knew.

--

Seeing someone die is an experience I never want to relive. He got _so _pale, so light, like his spirit was lifted straight from his body and into… where ever he's going.

I shouldn't be sad because I didn't even know him. But I _am_. The whole time he was bleeding more and more and he just talked like nothing was wrong. Then he got really _sad_. Apologizing and cursing. Promising to clean up his act. Then, toward the end… he kept calling out for Roxas and his aunt. It was all he could do. He held on for so _long_; I think he wanted to live, even though he was right: he was a drug addict. He had AIDS. He wouldn't have lasted too much longer. Still. It isn't fair…

And I don't get why he kept refusing my offer to call an ambulance. Maybe he knew that he'd be dead before they arrived. But I still feel guilty. I could have done more.

But then… _you make me feel like Roxas did, _he said. That's got to mean something. I hope, more than anything, that he died somewhat content.

When I get home, I'm still in awe. I'm so distressed that Dad asks me what's wrong; I stand behind the couch so he doesn't see the blood on my clothes.

"Close call on the freeway," I lie. I'm surprised at how calm I sound and how quickly the lie came to me. He smiles, relieved.

"But you're fine. Just be careful next time." I nod and go upstairs. Riku's sitting at the desk, putting books in his backpack.

"What's wrong?" Jeez, do I look so bad that even _Riku's _asking?

"Where were you?" I ask flatly, ignoring his question.

"The bus broke down on the way back from the library. I had to walk, like, three miles." He says, never taking his eyes off me.

"Oh."

I change out of my jeans and into pajama pants, tossing out the stained clothes. "Um, Riku?"

"Huh?"

"Your friend died." I say, then step into the bathroom and close the door. I need a shower… Riku yanks at the door and it flies open. Guess I forgot to lock it. Good thing I use the shower curtain.

"What are you talking about?" He asks.

"That guy you'd go out with."

"…Axel?"

"Red hair."

"Yeah. That was Axel." He sighs. "Wow. _Wow_. How'd you find out?"

"He was laying on the ground when I went looking for you."

He makes a curious sound. If he gets mad at me, I'm going to have a breakdown.

But all he says is, "Oh," and he doesn't even sound that sad. But he wasn't _there_.

I close my eyes and sigh. How do I tell Roxas…

Riku leaves as I turn off the water. Absently, I remind him to get a blood test (what if they shared needles?) and he says he will.

What a night.

--

When Riku goes to the hospital to get blood drawn, he also applies for a job. They have an opening available for teens.

"How'd it go?" I ask once he gets home. He… doesn't look happy.

"I was a fucking drug addict." He says not really to me, or anyone. "I know about sticking needles in people, unlike the asshole from Wal-mart who they hired instead of _me_."

Dad and I exchange looks. "...Language." He scolds. He's really been getting on Riku for some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. "When do you get your results back?"

"A week."

He puts a hand over the bandage and visibly shudders. He mutters something about needles being less… something (scary, I think) when he's in control of them. Poor guy.

A week later, we get the call from the hospital.

Riku looks… slightly horrified. My stomach lurches. Oh my God.

Oh, God _no_. Please _no_.

"Riku…" I say, voice shaking, after he hangs up.

"They lost the sample." He sighs. "I have to go back tomorrow." Is that all? I mean, he's not totally safe yet but I thought for sure, from the look on his face that he…

"Don't scare me like that again."

--

Waiting to get the results back the _second time_ is killer for me. I can only imagine how it must feel for my poor boyfriend.

He gets the call one day after school. I wait and wait and wait for him to answer. While he's on the phone he looks over at me and smiles.

"You're safe," I say after he hangs up.

"Yeah." He replies. "I'm… _we're _okay."

The whole atmosphere around the house is lighter than ever. Riku told me that he probably took someone else's needle instead of poor Axel's. And that's… good. I guess.

Either, way, I'm _really _happy. He and Dad are getting along pretty well, and he's starting to win back my trust. We're doing alright. Oh yeah, and he's _not _going to die.

And right now?

He's studying as usual, and I'm watching TV on mute. (I don't want to bug him with the noise.) He's curled up against me on the couch, my arm around him as he reads and jots down notes. When he finishes, he literally drops everything and falls asleep. I can't help but smile, even though I'm thinking about how dumb he is.

--

I wake up to the sound of my radio alarm blaring rock music upstairs. Crap, I guess that means I fell asleep. I groan; Riku rubs his eyes and blurts strings of curses. He really hates that clock.

"Want me to wake you in ten minutes?" I offer.

"_No_." He snaps.

For someone who really isn't a morning person, I think it's really weird that he never sleeps in. "But… thanks." I think I hear him add.

--

We get into an argument that night. Not a serious fight like we used to, but just enough that we both go to bed sort of pissed. And it's over the stupidest thing _ever_.

Riku calls me over to listen to some oral presentation he has to do. And I'm really glad to help, because he doesn't usually let me do anything. When he's finished he asks, "How'd it sound?"

I shrug, sitting up. "I don't know what you're talking about, but it at least sounds like you do. So I think it's good." He smiles.

"Thanks. I guess." There's a pause as he starts putting away his index cards before he smiles again and laughs. I don't know why the sound surprises me, and anyway it's over as soon as it began.

"What's so funny, Riku?" I ask. He shakes his head.

"It's nothing."

"C'mon, tell me!" I insist, laughing as well.

"It's not that funny," He says. "When I had to give a report in my class last summer, the teacher said something to me about how I didn't have anything to worry about… that it wouldn't matter what I was saying because I… because I'm _attractive_. _He _said it, not me. Stop giving me that look." Except I can't stop grinning. This is _too _good.

"Sounds like _someone _had a little crush on you."

"Shut up."

And it's my fault, really, because I know he's not kidding but I just don't let it go.

"Don't be so defensive!" I pause. "Wait. Is it the other way around, then?"

"_What_?"

"I mean, Dad said you were always hanging around..."

"He's got to be thirty years older than me. That's sick." He speaks carefully, cutting each world quickly and deliberately. His voice is smooth and clear. It always is when he's being really serious.

"I think it's cute."

"_Sora_."

It takes way too long for me to get it.

Oh shit.

"I'm just _kidding_." I say. "I wasn't making fun of you or anything." I didn't think he would take it so personally. That, or the idea of being with someone older than him just really disgusts him.

"Sure." He mutters, tossing his backpack over by the desk. "Whatever."

"Riku, it was a joke. I'm sorry."

"Whatever." He repeats. He gets off the bed and starts toward the door. "I'm sleeping downstairs. I have a headache." Because of me…?

"Riku, I--"

I don't know. Maybe he isn't _too _mad at me because he still says, "Good night." Before leaving.

It's not like he hasn't been sleeping downstairs lately anyway. Due to headaches and insomnia… he says he's more comfortable alone and insists that I would be, too.

When I fall asleep I have a really, really vivid dream of the night Axel died. I can't stop dreaming about it. In the day I can busy myself and push his death out of my thoughts, but it always comes back to haunt me. I still haven't told Roxas, and Dad never found out .

But this is the first time it's not Axel, but _Riku _dying, and no matter how much I try, there's nothing I can do.

When I start awake I'm really upset and my eyes are watery.

And I _know _that it was just a dream, and that everything's okay. I _know_. But I just need to check. I need to have proof that nothing's out of normal or I'll never get back to sleep.

I spring out of bed, rushing downstairs and opening the door to Riku's room. I tiptoe to his bedside and hesitantly wake him.

"What," He mutters, slow to stir.

"Can I sleep in here?" I ask. "Do you mind?" Okay, maybe the nightmare shook me more than I thought.

"Yeah, I mind." He replies. "_Why_?"

"I had a nightmare." Is my feeble little answer. He visibly goes through several emotions: surprised, confused, then unimpressed.

"How old are you, again?"

"Riku, come on."  
He turns around to go back to sleep. "Please?"

"Sora," He pleads. "I'm having the worst headache of my _life _right now. Let me sleep."

"But, I…"

Signing, he sits back up and grabs my hand.

"Listen to me," Riku says. "Everything is _fine_. It was just a nightmare, nothing more. So go to sleep."

He's right. I knew that even before I came down.

But for some really _strange _reason, I can't shake the jittery feeling I've had since I woke up. I can't help it.

--

When I wake up that morning, I prepare for school as usual. I head downstairs to fix some breakfast before I go, when I realize the house is… strangely quiet. It's after a little searching I find a note on the dining room table.

I skim through it and drop it on the floor. It says that Dad and Riku are at the hospital, and to call him.

Oh my God. What the…

I call him on the bus to school. There's no way I'm driving today… I'd crash. "Dad, what happened? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's alright," Dad says.

"What happened?"

"I came downstairs early this morning and he was lying on the floor.. Sandy says that he had a seizure and it's a common result of withdrawal… it also looks like he hit his head when he collapsed. But he's going to be okay. Bring his homework after school." Yeah, it's actually a good thing that he waited till he was caught up in school to have a seizure.

"You sure he's…?" I ask wearily.

"I am. He's awake and everything."

"Can I talk to him?"

"Not right now. They're taking tests to double check that everything's the way it should be."

"Alright."

But I'm still hopelessly frazzled for the rest of the day. At least those rumors about me are dying down a bit. I don't think I could handle more drama.

--

After school I drop my stuff off, check the mail, and drive straight to the hospital. While I wait to go back and see Riku, I read some letters Donald and Goofy sent. It sounds like I'm missing a lot. Donald has this girlfriend named Daisy and they've apparently been really serious for a while. Goofy has his eye on someone, too. All of this is so weird to me… I guess because I've known them since I was a baby, I always kind of viewed them as asexual. I don't want to think about them having love lives. I wonder if they felt that way about me?

Apparently someone at my old school mentioned something about me the other day, when their friend brought an old yearbook. I've changed so much in two years… I almost want them all to see me. Yeah, I'm probably a lot gayer since I've come to terms with my sexuality (or since I met Chris, either way), but… I think I've gotten at least a little cooler. Not that I care what they think, or ever cared. I just would want to see their reactions.

…But not that badly.

I need to remember to write them back.

_Ugh._

I guess that means I have to call Mom sometime, too. Kill me. She's going to give me _hell_ for not calling in so long. Just as long as her boyfriend doesn't pick up the phone again like last time. That was the most awkward moment I've ever had to live though.

For some reason, thinking about my old life makes me think of Raye. God, I haven't thought about him in _ages_. I wonder how berserk Riku would go if I wrote to the poor kid. I mean, he was cool with me dating while he was living with Zakku and all but… nah, I won't risk it. It's not really important anyway. There hasn't been any romantic interest for a _looong_ time. Besides, what would I say?

They're letting me back now. Suddenly, I'm not only terrified but I've also never been so happy to see my Dad.

"How's everything?" I ask.

"Just fine." He replies.

"So he'll be home tonight?"

Dad shakes his head and says in a day or so.  
Well, it's better than nothing. Good thing Riku only started skipping school in the end, so a few days won't hurt him too much.

--

Since then, Riku's had about two more seizures, so his three day stay turns into five days which turns into a week. He's under close watch-- it's not like he's going to die or anything, but he still needs the attention. There's been so much wrong for such a long time: his illnesses when we were runaways, plus his headaches, his insomnia, his little… uh, vomiting problem, and all those drugs… yeah. It's definitely good he's under the care of really good doctors for a week. Most of the times that I visit he's in medication-induced, real, _deep _sleep, or really drowsy. But it's good. It's all good.

One day, when I'm waiting for Riku to wake up enough for me talk to him, someone else comes by to visit. At first, I have no idea who the guy walking down the hall is. He's good-looking and young, in a navy sweatshirt with the logo of a college I've never heard of printed in yellow letters, and jeans. His hair is cut short but shaggy, just starting to grow out. He's tall and slim, muscular but not bulky.

I know I don't know him but he's still familiar somehow. And…

_Oh my God._

The hair and eyes are dark, the skin tan, the face slender. But his eyes have that _intensity_, the _coldness_ mixed with so many other things, and he walks with such a purposeful stride… and his _face_-- the nose, the lips…

That he looks just like his son.

So here it is.

This is Nathan.

This is Riku's father.

What's _he _doing here? How? _Why_? What the hell… what right does he think he have to suddenly drop in like this?

I jump up after he walks in, rushing to the door. I want to know what's going on!

"Sit." Dad says sternly. I do, sighing, knowing that he's right.

After about twenty minutes, Nathan (_Nathan_!) leaves the room. Just like that.

"He's really out of it." Nathan says. He even sounds like Riku, if Riku had been a smoker for a few years. "So if you talk to him… talk slow."

"He's been like that for a few days." My dad says, like nothing's wrong or unusual.

Am I the only one who sees how _weird _this is?

Nathan makes sort an "oh" sound and leaves.

I want to ask a thousand questions, but I don't. That can wait. Right now, I walk into the room to visit my boyfriend.

Riku really _is _out of it. I have to tell him who I am, like, twice. He hardly opens his eyes. It's probably good that Nathan visited when he did. Otherwise, Riku would probably be freaking out. But what's also kind of sad is that he'll most likely have no memory of his Dad coming to visit.

Still, maybe it's for the best. I'm assuming his dad isn't a total ass, which he is.

I sit on the side of Riku's bed, telling him things that he won't even remember in a couple of hours.

What a day.

What a year.

Hell, what a _life_.


	34. Riku: Epiphanies

Notes: I like this chapter. There are some parts I'm iffy on… like the beach scene, which you'll read in a minute, but otherwise I like it. It's happyish.

Home  
Chapter 34  
(Riku's POV)

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm nearly out of the woods. I'm out of the hospital tomorrow, and with all the schoolwork I've still been getting done, my situation _there_ has definitely changed for the better. I don't think college was or ever will be an option for me, but I'm not failing anymore. It's… an improvement.

Zakku and Lauren have both visited a few times, too. And, while not exactly wanted, the gesture was pretty nice and it sure as hell beats being alone all day. Not that Sora and Mr. Hart haven't visited, but I can't really remember the times they came.

I guess it's nice to have visitors for once.

Oh, and Lauren's leaving. She's moving back to a little place just outside of Darry where she grew up.

It's weird. In her time here, I really came to depend on her guidance, even if I didn't really follow her advice all the time. Any of the time. And now that she's leaving… I don't feel like I'll be lost without her. I thought I would've.

And the reluctance between Zakku and I has vanished. We accept each other. I guess we're friends.

Finally.

But I think Sora and I are still wary of each other. And why not? The past few months have been… really hard. He's changed, though. He's still sweet as ever, that wouldn't be different from the last time I saw him. But still, the first time he visited to drop off schoolwork, post-medication, post-seizures, when I was conscious enough to register his existance… I don't know. I guess I expected to see the little annoying fourteen-year-old. Maybe that's how I always saw him.

I didn't remember him being that tall-- still short, yeah, but taller. I didn't notice how light his hair had turned or how much tanner his skin had gotten, no doubt from the endless hours of sun, surf, and swim. Even his eyes seemed a lighter blue, but that I'm sure I imagined.

The ring I got him for his 15th birthday now fits. He actually wears it.

On that note, I have to say I'm so _glad _to be off medication. I was so tired I think I hallucinated something about my uncle visiting me and that's… interesting. Considering he's been dead for eight years.

I sigh as the nurse brings in food and asks if I need anything. I don't. I wonder where Sandy is? I've seen her around a few times, tending to the patients in the next room, but not lately.

I don't really think about it, or anything, really, as I sit up and eat. I'm so ready to leave.

-

It's happening.

I'm going today.

I feel so restless… God, where's Mr. Hart? Why isn't he here yet?

I sink into the bed and sigh.

I'm so _bored. _It's either boredom or sleeping in these places… I'm not very fond of either.

It feels like hours before he's here and fills out paperwork and takes me away. I never want to be stuck in a hospital again. Three times is enough for me, thanks. I'm so sick of it.

Walking into the house is… definitely _something_. All of the sudden, I'm feeling this rush of memories and a certain fondness for this stupid place and, more than anything, such a sense of _guilt… _

God.

I missed Sora's sweet 16.

I missed Mr. Hart's job promotion.

I missed all those days of Professor Ansem's class that _could have_ helped me get into better classes.

I missed _weeks _worth of school and people actually _worried_.

I fucked up so badly. I hurt Sora. I hurt everyone.

What am I supposed to do?

I wasted so much time on Mister, on Axel. Maybe if I had just accepted this _place _as home, if I hadn't kept searching for more…

Damn it.

God _damn it_.

I close my eyes and sigh. This _stuff_ never bothered me before. I feel… what? Guilty, unsettled, depressed, but happy too and relieved and… no.

No way.

I am _not _going to cry… I haven't cried in four years and I'm _not _crying now just because I came back here after two measly weeks.

But I do. I am. And I can't believe it.

This is so stupid.

I stumble over to the couch, wiping my eyes, but the tears just come and come and come. I curl up, because it's the most comfortable thing to do when I can't stop shaking like this. There are no words to describe how naked I feel, how much pride that I've tried to build up through the years is fading right now.

Huh. _Shame _isn't an emotion I've really felt since I left Darry. Shame… for what? For being who I am? Or for doing the things I've done?

Do I even deserve to be here right now?

"Hey, Riku, I'm going to run out for one second, but--" Mr. Hart emerges from the kitchen then _sees _me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I choke out. It sounds strangled and really stupid. He rushes over, hesitantly putting a hand on my shoulder. "I… it's just…"

"It's overwhelming. I know." I nod. "It's okay."

And because he says it's okay, it's okay.

Done.

-

I lay in bed upstairs. I don't read or study, I just close my eyes and _breathe_. There's a dull throbbing in my skull and my eyes hurt. But it's okay. I'll live.

When I really think about it… and I don't want to, but I think I cried the first night I was here.

I was showering and had just eaten and I was about to change into new clothes and sleep in a _bed_… and yeah, I was still suspicious of the whole thing, but it felt so _good_. It wasn't the emotional breakdown I just had… my eyes watered up until I snapped myself out of that mind frame, stopped being thankful. I'll only be here a week, I told myself…

In the distance, I can hear someone thrashing upstairs. That's definitely Sora.

"Hey," He says brightly. "What's up?" I shake my head. "…Uh, you look like you've been crying. Can you even do that?" The joke is lost on me.

"I have been."

"What?" Sora asks, switching from amused mode to alarmed mode. "Why?"

I shrug. "No reason. It's fine." I tell him.

"How are you now?"

"Tired, mostly. But I'm sick of sleeping." I shake my head again. "I haven't cried since I was… what, thirteen?"

"Jeez," Sora says. "I've cried every other day this week." And smiles. I laugh and pull him close to me.

Yeah… this definitely feels right.

-

Monday pretty much sucks. I'm not tired or sluggish for once but I'm jittery as hell. Still, I guess it's nice to be back for good. I've established some friends away from Sora… It's not like I don't like his friends (though I really can't stand Roxas) and I know they're my friends too, but I need my own space.

Oh, and I completely pass out during 3rd period, but after spending my lunch period in the nurse's office I'm fine. I will be.

Tuesday night, Sora and I go to the beach. My beach, the one only I ever go to. The reasons I love it are the same reasons people stay away: the water is icy, the sky always seems dark, the waves hit the sand hard and without warning. It's not nice, it's not comfortable. It just is what it is, and I'm glad we're here.

"I've always admired you." Sora says as we sit, close to the water. "Even through everything, I still do. Not as… not as _much_, to be really honest. But I think it's better this way. I guess it's healthier if I don't put you up on a pedestal."

A smile tugs at my lips. "What makes you say that?"

"I dunno." He says. "I just wanted to tell you."

"Ah." I reply, and that's the last thing either of us says for a while. "I'm sorry." I then say to break the silence between us.

"For what?" Sora asks, sitting up and brushing the sand off his back.

"For everything."

"It's alright." He says casually. "I know. Half the stuff you would say you didn't even mean, and you only pushed me away because…" He stops. Wait, was that all sarcasm? I can't tell with him. Either way, the next part is sincere and I'm thankful for it: "I forgive you."

"I missed your birthday."

"I'll have more."

We fall silent again.

"I used to think I was better than you." I say, but I don't know why. "At least, that I was smarter, or stronger. I used to feel like I just knew everything. Before…" before what? Before Occiana, before Mr. Hart, before Zakku, before Axel, before all of this _stuff _maybe. Before we were together, maybe. But I don't say any of that, instead just leaving it at 'before'. "I think I was wrong."

He didn't screw up his life, after all. But I did. Because I thought I knew everything.

And those things used to piss me off so much, too. Before. How Sora could go through tons and tons of _shit _and come out of it just fine. He'd simply cry or mope for about an hour then never think of it again. I couldn't do that. Things people have done to me just stick in my head forever and I push it away and down, until it all comes back and I explode without warning. He's so strong. I'm so envious.

I hated it, I really did. I hated him. I hated myself.

I hated a lot of things before. But now those _things _don't bother me, like the way he always wants to know what's going on in my life, the way he has to get so involved in everything I do. The way he'll get his mind set on _something _and never drop it until he gets his way.

And he's changed. For the better, I think, or maybe he's just grown up. He's not quite so… I don't know what. Young, I guess. Immature, naïve, though a part of me always has wondered if he's naïve at all, or if it's some kind of shield he's put up. Because I've seen him crushed, and it never looks like the first time it's happened. Hell, even the way he acts when we're kissing… the way he gets right to the point. He doesn't mess around while we're messing around. He's not intimidated. He knows what he's doing.

I trust him, too. I didn't before. Not just at the beginning, either, but only up until recently. And I never even realized I loved him until my almost-rape, when I finally came around to realize exactly _why_ the thought of being _with _Mister devastated me so much.

I'm an idiot. I know.

But _at least _I know.

After a long time, a really long time, Sora puts his hand over mine.

-

The walk back is quiet but comfortable. It feels like, for the first time in our two years together, we have a mutual understanding for one another. Even though we only exchanged a few words… there's a difference. There is.

We're equal now. I'm not better or worse for things I've done, and neither is he. It's a burden I'm glad we nipped in the bud before it became an issue more than it has been, though it's been a subconscious burden. Man. I used to think I was so much better than everyone else. Above emotions and friends and life. I felt like I had to be. I never thought of it that way before tonight… and I can't help but wonder when that started.

When we reach the house, he kisses me at the stoop before walking in. I wait a second before following.

Marry me, Sora.

Marry me.

-

On Thursday, I call Lauren.

"How long have you been sober?" She asks at some point during the conversation.

"I don't know. A month maybe." I reply. But that's not really the truth: I know the exact second I quit. As of today, it's been 32 days, 2 hours, 15 minutes.

"Not bad." She says. "What finally made you quit, seriously? I don't think you ever told me."

I don't respond for such a long time that she asks me if I'm still here. "Because I was done." I say finally. "I did the angst thing, I did the wild child thing, and now I'm done."

She laughs. "You're an interesting kid." I shrug, forgetting she can't see.

"And Mr. Hart and Sora stopped… caring, I guess. I didn't want to lose them. Besides," I add more quietly. "Where's the fun in doing that kind of thing if your family just _lets _you…" She laughs again.

"Attention starved, are we?"

"Shut up." A lull. "I thought I had everything so figured out, too. I figured that my overeating while on pot would balance out my lack of eating after drinking, or with my mixing depressants and stimulants everything would balance out. No one would notice a thing."

"You're used to people not noticing."

"Yeah." Speaking of which… "Why didn't you ever tell my parents you found me?" When she doesn't reply, I continue. "I assume you haven't… otherwise the coast would have been leveled by Hurricane Nathan by now." Maybe. Or maybe his threats about not taking me back, about disowning me, if I ran away weren't empty after all.

"Because I didn't want you to totally kill yourself!" She says, laughing. "Look," She adds, seriously. "You're going to be eighteen soon. It'll be up to you when and if you ever want to reconcile with your family."

"I'm glad you're not taking this into your own hands."

"Riku," She says after a moment's hesitation. "I hope you will."

"…What?"

"Look, I know a lot of really bad things happened to you in that house. But your parents deserve to know that you're alive."

Maybe.

Maybe.

_-_

So, I didn't get off that easy. Yeah, my family has been accepting enough about my (past) addictions-- Mr. Hart is much less liberal with my privileges, of course, but that's be to expected. He and Sora insisted that for all that happened while I was on drugs… they don't _blame _me and they're not angry and they forgive me. I'm not so quick to forgive myself, but that will come later.

Then Sora's annoying friend Roxas has to give me hell while I'm trying to study in the library. Tells me that Sora's finally acting himself again, so I'd better not screw up. Ass.

But that I can ignore.

It seems that there are some people who haven't quite forgotten where I used to hang on Saturday nights.

It starts and ends that weekend when I go to the public library to study. Sora hangs around too, insisting that we go to the park afterward.

I'm apprehensive about the whole thing, honestly. I know Axel had…has… had friends who would deal in the far, secluded areas of this park.

God, I crave it. This whole time I'm listening to Sora chatter as we eat I'm not _really _listening. I'm too busy thinking, I wonder if I have enough money to score a little pot, just a little.

God I want it and I can feel it in my blood and my bones, my head to my feet, and I've never _craved _anything before and never like this.

"Hey, are you listening to me?" Sora chirps. No.

"Yeah."

He grins. "You looked gone for a moment. Anyway…" And I keep half-listening to him until he excuses himself to the bathroom.

Huh. If I run right _now _I can get there, make the exchange, and get back before he does. No one will never know.

So I run.

Then stop.

And turn back.

I can't do this. If I did… what would that mean? For me, for my friends, for Sora? I've been sober for a month. I'm fixing my life. For the first time, I think I have a shot at being happy.  
I'm not screwing this up. Not again.

…But someone spotted me. Someone recognized me.

Oh Jesus Christ. It's that fucking waiter again, and the bouncer at the club. With them is someone I don't know, but I think I've seen him once with this old, bookish man who was kind of affiliated with Axel. (Weren't they all…) Actually, I think he was killed too, but he may have just been too high brow for dealing and clubbing, so I never saw him more than once.

The waiter and the stranger walk over to me, taking their time. I forget all about Sora.

"Here to buy?" Stranger asks.

"No." I tell him. "I'm done. I quit." Silence. "Last month."

"Congratulations." He snarls. "Aren't you cool." I roll my eyes and walk away, head held as high as I can. I don't feel that superior to them. I still sort of feel like one of them.

But I won't be petty about this. I'm not going to be petty anymore.

"He misses you." The waiter says, stopping me in my tracks.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah. He doesn't like dancing with anyone else as much as you."

"I _quit_."

I don't believe it, anyway. Mister wanted to get me in his bed. That's _all_.

No.

I guess I do believe it. I let him feel me up. I perfected the innocent, stupid, naïve, good-boy-going-bad act. Who else would cater so easily to his needs? I'm so disgusted by _us_. Besides, he'll get over it. Maybe he'll find someone who will go to bed with him. Probably has already. Hell if I care.

God, Sora has no idea why his little joke the other day about Ansem bothered me so much. It's one of the few things left that I really, really don't want him to find out. I would die of embarrassment. Simple as that.

Speaking of which, Sora's been back for a while by the time I return to our table again. "Where'd you go?" He asks, all _sincere_ innocence and naivety. Maybe.

"Went to find a trash can to throw out my gum." I lie.

"Riku," He says, pointing next to the table behind him. "There's one right there."

"Oh."  
He laughs.

As Sora drives us home (he always insists on driving, I wonder if he doesn't trust me), I can't help but think about what happened at the park. More than anything, I'm really glad I didn't relapse so soon. I'm glad I didn't go through with it.

I rest my eyes, hearing nothing but vague background noises from outside and Sora popping some gum I gave him. I'm glad I really did have some on me. The lie I had to tell him wouldn't seem so suspicious that way. He really likes this flavor, too-- always mooches off me when I have it. It's a fruity, minty, chocolaty blend of flavors. He says it makes him think of when he first kissed me… I guess I was chewing some prior to the attack.

Nostalgia.

Not the fun kind.

But anyway I smile at him and just feel happy about where I am. And I know it won't last, so I take advantage of this contentment while I can before it all comes crashing down.

-

I've been writing a lot lately. It's all shit, really, but it's just practice so I figure that's all right. I'm going to enter the writing contest Professor Ansem told me about last summer. It's sponsored by this nearby college… if I place high enough, they might let me in, no questions asked.

I'm not counting on it.

But… I have a chance.

I really think I have a chance.

But the work makes me distracted, and I think Sora's noticed. That's the only reason I can think of that would cause him to hang around me so much, asking me dumb questions. Usually it'd bug me, but today… it doesn't. Maybe the irritability caused by the drugs, or lack of, is finally wearing down.

So I tell him, so it doesn't come back to haunt me later.

"I almost bought drugs at the park." I say. "The other day." His head turns so fast that it's almost comical. "But I didn't."

"What? When?" He asks.

"When you left to go to the bathroom." I lean in for a kiss. "But I didn't." He pulls away.

"You promise?"

"Yeah."

He looks at me closely. "How do I know?"

"Because," I reason. "I wouldn't have told you about it if I wasn't totally honest. And haven't I been acting completely normal…?"

"Normal, or normal for you?" He asks. "Because I'm not sure what that last one really means."

I smile and kiss him.

"I am being normal. I think this is normal."

Sora grins. "I hope so. I like seeing you happy." As he kisses me, briefly running his tongue against mine, I pull him on my lap and wrap my arms around him. I missed this.

"I missed this." Sora murmurs. "I love you."

"Love you, too." I reply, nipping his earlobe. He squeaks in response and laughs, rolling off my lap.

"Can I ask you something?"

"It depends."

He's quiet for a moment, not smiling anymore. "What kind of… you know, stuff were you doing…?"

"…Oh." Is all I can think to say. I wouldn't have guessed that he'd ever want to know. I shift and lay down. He does too, and we face each other. "You really want to know?"

"…Yeah. Of course I do. I'm your boyfriend." He pauses, looking down then back up at me. "I should know this kind of thing, right? I don't want anything to come back and haunt us."

Too late.

"Right." I say instead. "I just hung around at Axel's, really. Or I'd go to the club. Dance. Drink. Whatever."

"You just hung around." He repeats.

"I smoked pot." I clarify. Yeah, wait till I tell him all this and he runs in the other direction… "I did anything I could possibly get my hands on. Coke, heroine, crack, LSD, PCP, Meth… and any pill I could possibly crush up and snort. Name it. I've done it. I think the cocaine is what I really got hooked on. But I don't know… I did whatever I had."

"Oh." He says, looking down again. "Well, it's all behind you now, right?"

"Right." I tell him. He doesn't look up or say anything more, so I put my hand on his shoulder and gently repeat myself. "_Right_." He smiles. "I didn't sleep with anyone." I say, a while later.

"I didn't think you did. But thanks for saying so."

"How'd you know?" I ask after a long pause. He smiles.

"Because I trust you more than you think I do. And," Sora continues, wrapping his arms around me. "Because you still don't know what to do with your hands when we're kissing."

I laugh. I can't believe how cool he's being about all this.

"Wanna show me, then?" I ask.

He grins, pressing his face against mine and asking, "Is that a challenge?" before rolling on top of me and pinning my hands above my head. "I think that's a challenge."

"I think," I say, but he's already started to kiss me. "that--you're right."

And really, when isn't he?

"You're going _down_." He replies, laughing.

…Except now.


	35. Sora: Epiphanies

-1_Note: _I guess this is the… second-to-last chapter with important events. The last few chapters following this are just going to be for wrapping things up… tying loose ends. Thanks for sticking with this fic for so long, guys. Here, have a lemon. (The uncensored version will be on my LJ account, www. HeartsPocky. live journal. Com, so the FFN police don't hunt me down.)

Home

Chapter 35

(Sora's POV)

I'm a little torn.

It's been a month since Axel's death, and Roxas still doesn't know about what happened. I don't… really know what to do. I think I should probably tell him, knowing that they were once really close, but I also don't want him to hurt. He's my best friend, and I love him too much to do that to him.

But... _because _he's my best friend, I think I'm obligated to let him know this kind of stuff.

Besides, maybe when I do I'll stop having nightmares about watching Axel die… god, I still feel so bad about the whole thing. And that's weird, isn't it? I hardly knew the guy but I feel like I lost someone close to me. I felt so bad for him.

Okay, that's it.

I have to tell Roxas or else it's going to keep eating at me. I jump off the couch, nearly knocking Riku over (I forgot he was leaning on me, okay?), walking to the phone. I call Roxas, asking if I can come over. I tell him it's important. Once I get an okay, I say goodbye to Riku and go grab a bus.

I don't know why I'm so nervous and anxious to talk to Roxas. I mean, he's probably so mad at the guy-- and hasn't seen him for so long, he might not even care that much.

When I reach Roxas's house I knock twice then ring the doorbell. His mom answers the door, as usual, and tells me to go ahead up to Roxas's room. As usual.

"Hey," He says. "What's so important that you had to come all the way over here to tell me?" I don't say anything for a moment. "…Sora, what's up?"

"Axel has died." I say it slowly. At least, it feels like I do.

"…Oh." He says after a long time. He sits on his bed. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"How did you hear?" I shift uncomfortably and play with a loose string on my jacket.

"I was there."

Now he looks at me.

"What? How?"

"I was looking for Riku, and I found Axel instead." I say quickly, as if I'm defending myself or something. Maybe it's the way Roxas is looking at me that makes me feel like I need to get defensive. "I went back to that ghetto, or whatever it was. That place where we were looking for Riku. And… I ran into him." Tripped over him, really. "He was on the ground and looking really, really weak."

"… What happened?"

"He was stabbed. Said something about this guy named… what was it…"

"It's not important."

"He kept calling out for you."

"Oh." Is all he says, averting his eyes. "Jeez." I vaguely notice that he's starting to adopt my lingo.

"I'm sorry." I mutter. He shrugs.

"I… don't really know what to say." Neither do I.

"I'm so sorry." I tell him again.

"Don't be. I haven't even spoken to him in over two years. It's… it's all right. Really." We're quiet. "Thanks for telling me about it."

"No problem." I say, getting up to leave. Before I walk out the door I add, "I tried to be as much of a comfort as possible. He didn't… he wasn't alone." Roxas doesn't reply. As I walk to the bus stop, I find myself wondering how he could have taken the news so well. I hope he gives himself chance to mourn his loss, and not push any sad feelings down and away.

The following Monday, Roxas doesn't show up to any of his classes. When I call, his mom tells me he's not feeling well, and that I'll see him at school on Tuesday.

--

It looks like I have another little problem.

I'm talking to Riku one day as he finishes up his homework. Somehow, the topic moves onto his stay at the hospital.

"I know it's really stupid," He says. "And it was definitely just the medication, but I dreamt that my uncle was there with me. That he just… dropped by and told me things would be okay and that he doesn't blame me for anything anymore. …Is it dumb I think that's some kind of a sign?"

Oh, shit.

I bet that happened. I bet that he's remembering his _dad _dropping by. He was so confused under the meds… he'd never know the difference. It would only make sense for him to think up someone else. Nathan said that Riku was really, really out-of-it, so…

Should I tell him? Would Riku totally freak if I told him that his dad came to visit? "Of course not," I reply, half-heartedly. "It probably was!"

I think it's best, for now, that he doesn't know. He has enough on his shoulders, and I don't want to do anything that will shake him. I really, really like who he's become since he quit using drugs. He's always had this playful, competitive streak in him which never really got to surface until now. I'd see it sometimes when he was studying or playing sports after school, but if I blinked I'd miss it. He's confident, too, sometimes even arrogant. He seems happy. I mean, he's still as thoughtful as he's always been and borders on melancholy a lot of the time, but… he's happy for once. He's stable.

I love it, he loves it, and I don't really want to mess it up.

How_ever_... I know _I_ have some questions.

That weekend, I get a chance to talk to Dad alone.

"…Why?" I sputter, still not sure what to make of the whole Nathan situation.

"It's complicated." Dad says. Well, yeah! I'll say. "I really got a hold of him by chance... I thought he should be able to see his son."

"You got him to come out here?" I ask. Well, duh. Of course Dad did. But… it just seems so weird. Doesn't he know about Riku and his father…?

"I had Mr. Imakura's contact information for a quite a while but didn't do anything with it, for Riku's safety. I didn't know what would happen to him-- or to us, if his family discovered where he's been hiding." Hiding? This is his home. "But when I found Riku that morning, I didn't know what would happen. He was hardly breathing; I didn't even know if he would survive."

"But you said everything was fine on the phone!" I feel betrayed but I don't know why.

"When you called, he was fine. But before that… I just didn't know. I thought his family should at least know where he was. Before it was too late."

"Oh. I guess… I guess that's fair." I mumble. There's a silence.

"I hate keeping things from you." Dad says. "But to be honest, I didn't expect his father to show. And he didn't even express any interest in bringing Riku home." He _is_ home!

"…Oh." Is all I say. It's all I _can _say. After a moment of silence, I have one other question to ask. I'm dying to know. "You talked to him, right?"

"Briefly."

"Dad, what was he like?" Dad looks at me for a moment without speaking.

"I don't know," He says. "He was just an average guy. A little aloof, but that's the only thing I particularly noticed about him."

"You don't think any of this will be a problem, do you? Now that his parents know where he is."

Dad smiles, kind of. "I don't think it'll be a problem at all."

--

It isn't. Several months go by and life goes on without a hitch. Our second anniversary is coming up soon and I can't believe it. I could say that if feels like we met yesterday, or it feels like we just got together… but in reality, it feels like twenty years. And throughout nineteen of them, I've been wanting to take Riku and _strangle him_. But I wouldn't take any of it back; I love him.

For some reason, I've been thinking about what he blurted out on one of our dates.

About getting married.

I know it was probably some offhand comment made because he felt like it, but… maybe it's not such a bad idea. He could be on to something.

--

I kind of feel bad for my friends once April rolls around, because that's when I start talking nonstop about Riku. I'm not usually this terrible, honest. I'm just excited. Two years is really, really big. So when I talk at lunch about what we've got planned or haven't got planned, or what I hope it's going to be like, or how much I love him, I know I deserve the groans and eye-rolling.

It shouldn't surprise me when Kairi, Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie decide to get back at me.

"Happy anniversary, you guys!" Selphie says when she finds Riku and I after school, the Friday of our anniversary, waiting at the bus stop. She gives us a small box, wrapped nicely with a bow and everything. "Go on, open it!"

Riku and I exchange looks. Hesitantly, I tear open the paper and open the box.

It's lube.

"…Ha, ha.." I say, but she's already run off, cackling and calling for Kairi. I look over at Riku and he rolls his eyes.

"Well," He says. "Are we going to put this to good use?" I grin. Those comments don't surprise me anymore. It never leads to anything, he just loves messing with me.

"Duh." I reply.

--

Riku is going to graduate soon.

What's going to happen to us? I still have another year of high school and I don't know what Riku's going to do, if he'll go to college and if so, where, or if he'll go straight to work. I guess I'm a little scared. I don't know if we're going to last. I mean, I _know _we're meant to. He was the first guy I went totally nuts over, my first kiss, my first _everything_… even though we haven't technically gotten to _everything _just yet.

Maybe we _will_ get married.

Maybe we _should_ get married.

I mean, if we can go through as much as we did and still like each other, then surely we're _meant _to be together.

Then I guess that settles it. I want to marry him, he wants to marry me.

We're going to get married.

It's settled.

--

I get a job. Not just part-time, but a full eight hours worth of restocking shelves and working the cash register at the little store owned by Mildred. I'm fortunate enough to have the time to work on homework and study in between customers. I'm also fortunate that the pay is pretty good. I mean, it's minimum wage, but it's on the higher spectrum of minimum wage… I earn an extra five cents per paycheck. I'm in the money, I know.

And it adds up quickly. In a few months I'm going to jewelry stores, looking at rings. I want to get him something really nice, but simple and understated… I wonder if I can find out Riku's ring size without him catching on?

The people in the store are nice and very helpful. I end up finding exactly what I think is perfect for him. But when they ask me for a size, I'm totally stuck.

"He has kind of big hands." I say. But that doesn't help, of course… and maybe comparing his hands to mine isn't the best way to go.

"Is _that _why you're marrying him?" Someone in the back says.

"You know it."

--

I lucked out. I got Riku to go to the mall with Kairi and I, and got him to try on some rings while we were there. I made up some bullshit about how I want to get matching rings to be symbolic for our relationship and crap like that.

Donald, Goofy and I have been writing on and off about this for a while. They're the first people I told. Dad knows, of course. I ran the idea past Kairi.

But Riku never catches on.

And now… tonight's the night. I could hardly fall asleep last night, and all day I've been shaking. But it's six, Dad's out, and we have the house to ourselves all night. I set up a table and chairs outside and make dinner for the two of us. I'm pretty sure Riku still hasn't caught on.

"You're quiet." He says, half way through the meal, but that's it. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Except for the fact that I'm staring my entire future in the face at this moment, and for once I want to turn and run away. "Hey, Riku?" I croak, some time later. We've both finished eating, and the sun is beginning to set.

"What?"

"We've been together for two years, haven't we?"

"Yeah."

"And we've known each other even longer, right?"

"…Sure."

"It's been… it's been really good, you know?"

"For the most part."

"I love you."

"I love you too, you sap."

Silence. "A while ago you said stuff about getting married."

He smiles again. "I know. Stupid, right?"

"…I didn't think so." I say, shifting awkwardly. "I mean… we've been practically married since we met." To my surprise, Riku laughs.

"I guess you're right." He says.

"Yeah. And what's some paperwork and fancy jewelry? I think we could get married."

When I look up, Riku isn't smiling anymore. "Maybe." He says. "I guess so."

"Would you?"

"Would…?"

"Marry me, if I asked?" I say, hands shaking as I place the small, velvety box onto the table. Why am I so scared?

"I…?"

"Because I'm asking." I reach over after Riku doesn't move, opening the box and taking out the ring. I hold out my hand, hoping that he'll place his in mine and I can just put this stupid thing on him. God, what was I thinking…

"I need to think." He says, adding after my face falls: "Okay?"

"I need an answer." I say.

"If you force a decision on me right now, I'm going to say no. So let me think this out!" He replies finally, abruptly getting up and going inside. Every part of me wants to chase after him, but I don't. Instead, I put the ring back in my pocket and clean up.

--

"Still thinking?" I ask when I finally gather the courage to go up and talk to him.

"Kind of." He replies after a moment. Wow, that helps.

"Take your time."

As long as you tell me by tomorrow.

"If I say no, I'm going to lose you, aren't I?" He asks after a lull, not looking at me.

"I don't want to be stuck in a relationship that's not going to move forward." I say, surprising myself by how calm I am about this. "But… I really don't want to break up."

"Neither do I."

We're quiet. I slowly walk to our bed and take a seat next to him. "What are you so afraid of?"

He shakes his head, like he can't believe I'm asking. "Your parents didn't get along. Your dad left you. And your mom went through men like tissues." I laugh a little. It's sad, but true. She was horrible. "Why aren't _you _afraid?"

"Because," I tell him. "We're obviously not my parents."

"And _my _parents… I don't think they ever loved each other. If my mom hadn't gotten pregnant, they would never have ended up together. Nathan saw other women. If Mom knew, then she never showed it. She didn't care that much."

"We're not your parents either." I can't help but smile a little at this point. "Are you serious, Riku? Look at us. We're two guys who happened to meet in a really odd way, and somehow fell in love. It's corny but it's _true_." He's smiling, though just a little. "Just because broken relationships are all we've ever known, doesn't mean that the same thing will happen to us." I sigh, stretching. "Besides, do I look pregnant to you?"

"A little." He replies, poking my stomach. The noise that comes out of my mouth is embarrassing, but that _tickled_ and I didn't expect it. He throws his arms around my waist, tackling me down onto the covers.

I kiss him.

He doesn't kiss back.

"Was that really what bothered you?" I ask., because I don't really buy it. "You were afraid you'd turn into Nathan or something?"

"I've never felt like this before." He admits, but I already knew that.

"Neither have I."

"I've never been in a relationship before."

"Neither have I."

"I don't know what's going to happen."

"Neither do I."

And with that, he gives up.

"Then how can you be so confident?"

I roll my eyes. "Because I love you, stupid. Isn't that enough?" He pushes himself off me, shifting until he can rest his head on a pillow. I get an odd sense of déjà vu as I take one of his feet in my hands and gently begin to massage. I think the feeling comes from the fact that I'm still surprised he lets me do this stuff.

"Yeah," He says after a while. "It _is_ enough." Riku shifts again, pulling his foot free and leaning over to kiss me.

"Does that mean…?"

"No. Not yet."

And I don't mind that I don't have an answer. Not really. The way that he's kissing me, pressing against me, is good enough for right now. I wrap my arms around him as he rolls on top of me. I don't know how we get under the covers. I don't know we end up only half-dressed. I just know that I'm really, really enjoying this. Us. "I want to." Riku says, suddenly.

"…What?"

He smirks. "Take the next step." He kisses me on the lips. "The immediate next step."

…Huh.

Does that mean what I'm thinking? "If," He adds hesitantly. "You're up to it." It _does_. Okay, now that my pulse is racing faster than what is normally considered healthy…

"Yeah. Of course I am. Are you?" …Well, duh. Of course he is. He's the one who suggested it.

"I am."

--

When it's done, awkwardness and nervousness, love and pleasure, Riku turns to his side and closes his eyes. We're not touching.

This is ridiculous… "Get over here." I tell him. He rolls onto his other side and moves closer, smiling a little. We're not cuddling or talking, either, but I think that'll come later, when we're not so worn out and embarrassed. Still, I feel really calm and floaty more than anything. Riku does, too. I can tell. I'm about to tell him that I love him, when my stomach starts growling.

Bad timing there… so I tell him I'll be right back, pull on my boxers, and make the trek downstairs for something to eat. I've never been so hungry in my life. Well, I know _I'm_ sore… I can only imagine how Riku must be feeling. But it was worth it. Definitely. I wish it had gone… better, but I guess we'll just have to practice.

A _lot_.

When I get back upstairs and crawl into bed, Riku's asleep. I'm disappointed that I didn't say "I love you" after having sex with him for the first time. Some boyfriend I am. So I kiss his forehead, hoping that somewhere in his dreaming, he'll know that I'm here.

--

We sleep in the next morning. It's ten when we wake up, and I think we would have slept in even more if the sun weren't shining really brightly through the windows. Next time, we're closing the curtains…

"Good morning." I say. He grins.

"Good morning."

"How're you doing…?"

Ugh, stupid question.

"I'm good," He says. "Sore. But… whatever."

"You're not regretting it?" I ask, just to make sure.

"No. Are you?"

"'Course not."

He slowly gets up, stretching, pushing the covers aside. "Where are you going?"

"Shower." He says. A beat. "You coming?"

"…Hell yes."

I try not to notice that Riku's limping a little as we're making our way to the bathroom and getting in the shower. He turns on the water, forgetting to check the temperature; cold water blasts at us, but it feels good, too. Riku waits a minute before adjusting it to something warmer. I can't take my eyes off him the whole time. I guess I can't believe what's going on right now, and what happened last night.

"Like what you see?" He asks, laughing, after I've been staring at him for much longer than necessary.

"Yeah, I do. I wanted to at least see you naked in the light." I reply, hugging him. "Don't think I'm a pervert for this, but I always kind of wondered if your hair color was natural." I grin like an idiot. "Now I know!" He smiles a little, shaking his head.

"I get asked about it all the time. As if I'm going to tell them something like that." …Cool. So I'm the only one who knows that the carpet matches the drapes. So to speak. "…Sora?"

"What?"

"I want to do it again."

…What. "_Now_?"

"No, not _now_! My god, Sora…"

"Sorry." I reply, laughing stupidly. He pulls away to begin soaping his body, shampooing his hair. I'm watching with _way _too much interest, but he doesn't seem to mind.

"You might want to wash up," Riku says, sounding amused more than anything. "I'm getting out."

"Oh, alright." I reply, soaping and shampooing quickly before he gets out. I'd have thought this would be more weird, but I actually feelcomfortable with him. We turn off the water and step out of the tub. I dry off, wrapping my towel around my waist, leaving Riku to brush his teeth in peace. So now I just lay on the bed, which still smells like sex, absently wondering when the smell will fade away. I kind of like it, though. I could get used to it. Riku crawls into bed next to me, burying his face in my chest. All I can think is, this feels really good.

I don't mind if he doesn't give me answer, if maybe he _won't _marry me, as long as it means we can live like _this_: content, for once.


	36. Riku: Real life begins

Note: So. Yeah. Another lemon, albeit a much shorter, more vague one. Again, check my live journal (www. HeartsPocky. livejournal. Com) for the uncensored version. It might not be up tonight, so check later in the week if it isn't.

Home  
Chapter 36  
(Riku's POV)

Sora and I finally slept together. It was bound to happen. And actually, I don't… feel anything. Nothing bad, anyway. I guess I was almost hoping for it to be really horrible so I'd have an excuse not to marry him.

Maybe I should.

Hell, I've been wearing the ring for a week. I know Sora sees me staring at it from time to time. He hasn't said anything about it, and I'm glad. Maybe he's calmed down because now he knows I'm willing to give him some ass. And part of me hopes that this new step in our relationship (or lack there of, really) will make up for things I've done in the past. I want him to be happy. I really do.

And a few days after we had sex, he talked to me about it. We were in the library, after school. He said he hadn't told anyone. That he wasn't going around bragging about getting laid like guys do. I never thought he did; the thought never even occurred to me. But for some reason, I'm still glad he told me. I really believe him…

Congratulations Sora, I finally trust you.

But you don't seem to trust me.

"Are you alright?" He asks me this afternoon as I'm writing. That contest is coming up again and I think I'm seriously entering it now. There's no way any other college would accept me after everything… "You haven't come down for lunch yet. Dad and I already ate."

Knowing him, this translates either to, "Are you on drugs?" Or "_Why aren't you eating?!_" Not that I think I deserve to be trusted yet, but…

"Yeah. Just writing."

He faces brightens.

"Can I read it?"

"No."

"…What's it about?"

"It's about this guy whose boyfriend won't leave him alone, so he brutally murders the kid… In about five seconds, it'll be based on a true story."

He grins, but the look quickly fades. "You've just been distant for a few days. I got curious."

"I'm fine." I tell him, and the strangest part is… it's true. Even though my life feels so hectic right now-- with Sora, with school, I'm oddly happy to be where I am. I've been working out a little, and eating a lot… I have clothes that fit, for once, and just feel _good_. Healthy, I guess. I've always been muscular, from all the sports I've played for school, but I was also really skinny, only to be accentuated by how tall I am… the lack of food that comes with running away didn't help, and neither did all that cocaine. I think for the first time I weigh as much as I should and have gained some color in my skin. And it's all due to eating right and not binge drinking until dawn. Who knew. ('Hey, fatass', is how Sora sometimes greets me, even though he hasn't been able keep his hands to himself lately.)

Sora leans over to kiss me before getting up to leave.

…Huh. That was easy.

--

"You win." I tell Sora after he's come upstairs again.

"What?"

I hand him a page of something I wrote awhile ago for school. I think it's alright, and it's probably the best thing I can show him. Family friendly, and all that. Grinning, he sits next to me and reads. "This is really good." He says after he's finished. I'm torn between saying 'I know' and 'how would you know, you only read magazines'.

Instead, I simply take the compliment. "Thanks." A pause. "It means a lot to me. Coming from you." He grins.

"I'm glad! Are you going to be a writer?" God, I hope not. I mean, it passes the time and will hopefully get me through college, but… as a career? I don't know.

"Maybe."

"You should… I think you'd be really good at it!"

"Maybe."

"Can I show Dad?"

Okay, _that_ is a weird question. "…Why?"

"I told him you've been writing a lot and he said your teachers always said you were good and that he wanted to read something of yours. You know, eventually." The fact that they talk about me behind my back is disturbing, but not surprising.

Actually, Mr. Hart has cooled off a lot… he's not so… I'm-not-sure-what. He treats me the same way he treats Sora. He's not _too _nice anymore, is what I think I'm getting at. Now that he knows me and about me, knows that I won't totally explode any minute.

I mean, he's kind. He's always been kind. I guess he had to force me out of my shell a little, like Sora did. Make me a little uncomfortable, though I don't doubt that he was too. And he's brutally honest, too, and knows how to be snarky and I like that part of him. ("It's good to be back," I said once. "Feeling like myself a little more." He replied, "It's good to have you _act_ like yourself, instead of a snotty little brat." _Ouch_.) A more authoritative side of him is coming out, as well. I think that might be a good thing… there was a time where I would be disgusted at the thought of being controlled and watched over, but now I know I need it. At least while I'm still trying to stay off drugs for good.

It's hard. I needed the help. I think I still do. Besides, even at Mr. Hart's strictest, he's still more easygoing than Nathan ever was.

But I guess that's it. To me, a guardian was a dictator… but now I know how skewed that whole view was. Though one thing hasn't changed: I'm still ready to move out and live on my own. I still want it.

Except now, my future plan includes Sora. I'm so dead-set _against _the whole marriage thing, so… I don't know why I suggested it. But I like the ring, and eventually I'll like the sex and… I guess I'm really in love with him.

If I could avoid marrying him… that would be okay. But if he wants it so badly, that's okay, too.

--

I call up Ms. Moran again, just because I feel like it. I always end up spilling all this information when I talk to her… I don't know why.

"I'm entering that contest." I say. "That writing one."

"…That's fantastic!" She replies. "I've only been bugging you about entering since you were in eighth grade, you jerk." I laugh. It's not hard to, when I'm talking to her. "Though try to write something happy for once, will you?"

"I'm not that depressing… am I?"

Now she's laughing. "Everything you wrote sounded like you were saying goodbye to the world, if you know what I mean. Why do you think I took care of you so much?"

"…because you love me?" I ask, falsetto-voiced.

"Besides that."

Silence. "But nothing I wrote was autobiographical. It was just… whatever came out of my mind." Good thing, too. Me at thirteen… it wasn't pretty. I'm glad I hadn't documented it. "Are you back in Darry?"

"Yeah, I am. Did Zakku tell you?"

"He did."

"Yeah. I'm back, but just for a little while... my friend's mom died and I want to be around her right now, to help her cope. They were close."

"Oh."

"She's getting through it really well though. Anyway, why'd you ask?" I don't respond for a few minutes, instead taking interest in the tile on the kitchen counter.

"No reason." I say. "Um... have you seen my parents around?" Even though I've never really referred to them as "my parents"-- Ms. Moran and, later, Mr. Hart filled those roles in for me-- but it doesn't feel so wrong to say anymore. A little weird... but, okay. It is what it is, and all that.

"I think I saw your mom once or twice, and I saw your dad once when I was grocery shopping... but that was it."

"Did you...?"

"I said 'hi' but he didn't respond. I don't think he likes me very much."

"How come?" I ask.

"For being so close to you, maybe. I was always kind of getting into your family's business."

"Nathan was very private."

"You two have that in common." She says casually. My stomach lurches at the comparison. _That_ I can't help.

"...Yeah." I reply, despite the feeling. "I guess we do."

We're silent.

"Sooo, how's Sora?"  
One thing I really, really appreciate about Lauren is the way she just freaking says "Sora". None of this "how's your booooyfriend?" stuff. I hate that… you'd think the people who'd be doing it are, say, my friends, who haven't met Sora. But it isn't; it's Kairi and Selphie.

"He's good." I answer so quickly I'm nearly cutting her off.

"That's great."

"We slept together." I say quietly then, nearly under my breath.

"What was that?" A beat. "…Oh. Huh. That's… huh. Well, congratulations I guess!"

_What?_

"Um, yeah. Thanks."

"Okay, that came out wrong… but you know what I mean. It takes a lot of trust… it's a big step. Good for you guys. Really."

"That's enough."

This makes her pause. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Whatever."

"So," She asks gently. "How do you feel about it _now_?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Was he nice to you?"

"Yes."

"Were you nice to _him_?"

...Oh shit. "I think I was."

"You two still together?"

"Of course."

"And you love him?"

"…Yeah." I reply. "I do."

"Then feel good about it. I have to go now, but promise me you'll mull it over, okay?"

"Okay."

But I don't need to. I know she's right.

-

Senior prom is coming up. Sora's going nuts. I don't think he realizes that I'm not planning on going. He keeps bringing it up "casually". I think he's trying to be subtle.

One night, he finally gets fed up.

"Prom is this month." He says.

"I know."

"…Why haven't you invited me?"

"Because I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to!" I say. "I don't think it's important. Look, I don't care if I even see my classmates after high school, and the two of us will be together after I graduate. I have nothing to say goodbye to. Why should I go?"

"If I invite you to mine, would you go with me?" He asks.

"Yes." I reply. And I can tell he's not totally happy about it, but in a strange way it's also good enough.

-

It's a weird thing. The first time we did it, we felt closer on an odd, new plane. Now…. It's too real. Too much.

No.

We're _happy_, and we're together, but we're walking on eggshells around each other. Scared. Stupid. Weird. Damn it.

And maybe it's just that our timing is incredibly off. I graduate in less than a month, and already looking for jobs and apartments. Why get closer as I'm preparing to leave?

I've mailed in my entry for that contest, but there's no word on who won so far. So I apply for most of the colleges in and around the city, and start getting letters a few weeks before school is out.

"I don't know why they don't just write: 'Dear loser, fuck off.'" I say offhandedly after my second rejection. I don't know why I tried. No college in the country would even consider considering me.

"Try this one," Sora chirps helpfully, handing me another envelope.

"Dear loser," it says.

I'm screwed. What am I going to do?

-

I graduate in just a few more weeks. Word on the contest comes out this afternoon. I've been waiting for the mail all day like some pathetic idiot.

Damn it. I'm _scared_.

And I shouldn't be disappointed when I'm only runner up. I shouldn't be.

But I am.

This was my last chance. What am I going to do?

-

On top of everything, my teachers are making me speak at this dumb ceremony a week before graduation. They want everyone to know about my overwhelming failure, I guess.

Still, Mr. Hart keeps telling me to apply to that art school anyway. That I'm still a runner up and that's pretty damn good. That it's not too late to make waiting lists, if worse comes to worse. I hope he's right. It's all I got. I can't even really believe most colleges even read my applications. I only turned them in … what, _months_ late.

But it's worth a try.

-

The assembly comes up sooner that I thought it would…. it feels like time has been moving more quickly lately. God, I'm nervous… most of my class is here, along with their parents and siblings. Staff and teachers are here. Sora, Mr. Hart.

This is such bullshit I can't believe it.

I'm one of five chosen to speak, for being… inspirational, or just headstrong in my case. It's our valedictorian, two kids who were dirt poor, life in shambles, etcetera, and will attend Ivy League schools come fall, and someone who was in a bad car crash this year and is now some big anti-drunk driving advocate, and me.

One of these things is not like the others.

Oh… _shit_. It's my turn.

I cut the introductions and dive right in. It's weird enough to be dressed formally; speaking formally is just… no. Besides, the sooner I start…

"I don't belong here," I say. I can hear my own voice echo across the auditorium. This is _not _me. How corny… "To be blunt-- really blunt-- I'm a drug addict." There's a slight murmur among my peers. I think that everyone thinks that they are witnessing some big scandal, a confession. But that's not me anymore. This is actually what the school _wants _me to be talking about. "Or, I was. Almost all those days that I wasn't here and my boyfriend was nice enough to cover for me and say I was sick… I wasn't. Well, put two and two together. " I pause. "So, I missed school, I cut ties with my friends, I sabotaged my relationship with the only real family I've ever had. I was fuc-- messed up to begin with--" this earns me some uncomfortable laughter from the crowd. "And I just started f--, uh, screwing myself over again and again. And I wish I could say that suddenly I just _knew_ that everything I did was wrong and I quit valiantly… but by the time I quit, my family had nearly given up on me. We're alright now, by the way, but we'll never be the way we should have been from the start.

And I'll never know if what I was doing was really wrong. Um… I know that sounds stupid but… this is a part of me, and it always will be. For the rest of my life, I will want to go back and sacrifice everything to get that feeling back. This isn't what the school wants me to tell you, I know… but drugs are really, really fun. For the uh, lack of a better word. I'm not saying, you know, to go crazy, but I guess what I'm getting at is… think about what's worth it and who you want to be. Or… what you _don't _ want to be, I guess. That's easier. To me… my boyfriend and father are more important than a temporary high. I know that now." I pause to catch my breath. "And I didn't always. Um… and no matter what I do or where I go, I will be an addict. I never got what that meant until colleges started refusing me left and right… I don't really know what I want to do with my life, and I don't think I've ever really known who I am. Know what's important. Figure out who you are, and who you want to be… and… that's it. Thanks."

There is a hesitant swell of applause from the audience as I leave the stage.

This was so stupid.

"You sounded _great_," Selphie says, bouncing up to me after this whole ordeal is over with.

"Thanks."

"I had no idea any of that stuff was going on! I should have realized…"

"It's okay." I assure her. Honestly, Selphie… I'm glad you hadn't. Too many people got involved as it is. "I'm okay now."

"Good." She says.

I never really noticed Roxas hanging back until he comes up to me. He must have tagged along because of Sora.

"She's right," He says after a moment, shoving his hands in his pockets. "It was really… it was _real_."

"…Thanks," I say, hesitantly.

--

"You _were _good," Sora tells me, once we get back to Mr. Hart's. We are laying in bed, his hand resting atop mine. "Not to sound mushy or anything, but… I'm really proud of you. And I'm so glad I know you." He quickly turns his head and kisses me, as if he had been holding it in, hesitating for a long time. "So… tell me the truth: are you happy?"

"Yeah." I reply. "I think I really am."

"Good." He says, snuggling next to me. "I am, too."

I head downstairs later and pick up the mail. There's something for me…

from that college!

It says that they were impressed with my writing. They enjoyed my presentation-- they saw my rehearsal, and that liked that I participated. The fact that I was in the same place as these future politicians, doctors, lawyers, these inspirational kids… I guess that made me extraordinary by osmosis or something.

In short, they've basically accepted me.

This is _weird_.

I ran away.

I missed two years of school.

I was nearly kicked out of school altogether and turned in my applications months late.

And now… I guess I'm going to college. What is _wrong _with these people?

… Am I a charity case? Are they only letting me in because I'm fucked up and that will make the place look good?

Is it because Mr. Hart is so rich?

Then fuck it! I'm not going. I'm better than that. God, this has gone way too far… I wasn't even supposed to _be here _long enough to see high school!

Almost _two years_. I shouldn't have been here two weeks…

I… I talked to Zakku! I slept with Sora! I told Mr. Hart about my past, I used drugs, I went to a _club, _I danced with people over twice my age, I graduated from high school… I…

None of this was supposed to happen.

I gave up everything I worked _so _hard for. My independence, my freedom.

But I now have love.

Is that a fair trade off?

I can't be sure it is.

And then I talk to Mr. Hart and he just has so many _answers. _He tells me it's okay, I got into this school because of my talent and my drive, and if I'm so worried about their motivation, I can transfer in a year or so. Still… this isn't what I wanted.

But then… when have things ever worked out the way I wanted them to?

When have I ever _known _what I wanted?

God… I need to calm down. Calm down and just go with it. For once.

-

I graduate this afternoon. This whole thing is basically just sitting in the sun for several hours, but I still feel a certain sense of… what? Achievement, I think.

I am proud of what I have done and I have no regrets.

There. I said it.

I did really damn good. I _deserve _this. More than anything or anyone else… I_ deserve this_.

Mr. Hart makes me stick around to talk to my friends after the ceremony itself, but I still feel like there's just nothing here for me. I don't want you to feel like you're missing out, he always says. Though I really _don't. _But I at least appreciate that he's trying, and I guess it is nice to have the chance to say goodbye to the people I hung with toward the end of the year.

We're all being separated. I'm the only person from my class going to this school. I won't know _anyone_.

Bring it on.

-

I already have job and come autumn, I'll have a place to live: there's a small apartment complex right by the college. It's a dump, but I'll make do. I love my family, but I really don't want to live here anymore. And there is no _way _I am living in a dorm.

Maybe next year, when he graduates, I'll ask Sora to move in with me… I mean, assuming it'll be big enough for two. Or good enough for him, really, it's _not _that great a place. ..

But then, I'm starting to get ahead of myself. I'm just going to be with my boyfriend/fiancée/I-still-don't know as much as I can before school starts in the fall.

-

_Sora. _

_Is. _

_Leaving._

He'll be gone for _most_ of my summer, before I start working and move out in August.. He's going fucking _home_. To visit his _mom_.

What the hell…

"Are you mad at me?" He asks after lunch, the first Tuesday of vacation. He leaves in three days…

"_No_." I reply, getting up to leave.

"Riku, what's the matter?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." But he follows me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his head on my back.

"Yeah…?" He mutters. I push him away.

-

Sora leaves tomorrow afternoon. We're in bed, but neither of us can fall asleep. I've cooled off a little, but still feel seriously annoyed.

"I love you," he says hesitantly, breaking our general two-day silence.

"I don't want you to go." I whisper.

"Hm?"

"Nothing." I say. Then, "You're leaving tomorrow."

"Yeah, I am." A pause. "I kind of don't want to go."

"Then don't."

"I have to see my mom." He replies, smiling in a forced kind of way.

"I could drive you there…" I mutter eventually.

"That would take _days_." Sora says, smiling. "How awesome is that… it would take, like, two daysto drive there! Riku, I can't believe how far I got…" I wonder how far I am away from Darry. Not as much as I once would have wanted, I think. Doesn't matter… "I'm going by train! Did Dad tell you that?" Yeah. And his _friends _are picking him up when he gets there. I know.

"Yeah, he did."

"…Riku?"

"_What_."

"I want you drive me back." Yeah, like that would happen. I'm going to drive for two days to your hometown just to drive you back here.

"Okay." I tell him.

"Call me every night so I don't go crazy, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay." He agrees.

We're quiet again. I close my eyes, opening one a sliver when I feel him pressing himself against me. "Is this alright with you…?" He murmurs, hands already clutching my pajama pants, prepared to push them down.

"Yeah." I murmur back.

And the weirdest part is: it _is_.


	37. Sora: Summer strikes again

Note: By the way, that lemon from the last chapter _is_ on my live journal. Oops. (And it has nothing to do with the closing lines… it's midway through. Just so you know.) (By the way, this chapter starts off _directly _where the last one left off.) (Parenthesessss!) Like, three more chapters to go you guys!! =o And I can truly say Merry Chrismahanukwanzica, because by the time this makes it to FNN… it won't be the 25th anymore.

Home  
Chapter 37  
(Sora's POV)

It really does get easier the second time around. I know what to expect, the feel of Riku's body against mine, how to touch him. How to move. I mean, it's still kind of _bad_, but it's not as awkward. We took it nice and slow, and that really does make a lot of difference. For one, we actually… lasted more than about five minutes, _and _I remembered to say I love you afterward! I even tried to hold him before I noticed he was asleep and my arm started going numb. (What _are _you supposed to do when it's over? When Riku rolls over to sleep it feels… wrong somehow.) And as uncomfortable as he looked most of the time, I think he enjoyed it a little more, too.

The morning after, I wake up before he does, though not by long. "Good morning." I mutter, still kind of exhausted.

"Hey," He replies. I shift and throw an arm around him. He doesn't move, but he's not exactly avoiding me, either. I think he feels a little betrayed because I'm leaving for a few days.

Idiot.

I don't say that, of course.

--

It's funny. I wasn't at all nervous this morning, but now that's it's getting close for me to leave I'm so terrified I can't eat. Wow, I guess I _really _don't want to go.

"Are you ready?" Dad calls from downstairs. Ha, _no_.

"Almost!" I shout back.

"Well, hurry up!" Damn it…

"Okay," I mutter. Sighing, I drag my suitcase downstairs and start to load up the car. Dad has to get to work soon and Riku has to be somewhere in an hour, so I'm basically on my own. Dad hugs me on his way out of the house, telling me to make the best of it; it's only two weeks. I hug him back, hard, not letting go until he pulls away, chuckling at my misery. I can't help it. The fear that Dad would decide to send me back to Mom is one that's haunted me before I even found him. I feel like I'm not coming back or something.

Next, I say goodbye to Riku.

He's standing in the door way, not looking at me.

"I love you," I tell him.

"Yeah." He says half-heartedly. Seriously, is he still _mad_? I ignore that, taking his face in my hands, grinning at him.

"Don't change a thing while I'm gone, okay?"

"Alright."

"I'm serious. Don't undergo any major plastic surgery." This at least makes him smile, but I'm still met with a smartass comment.

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"Car accident?" I reply. He rolls his eyes. Hands still on his face, I continue. "Seriously. Don't change anything. Don't even cut your hair." Which is almost more than halfway down his back by this point. Most guys would look really stupid, but I think he's totally stunning. "And don't look at other guys." I know _I _won't…

"I won't, Sora."

"Promise?"

"Yeah." He says, laughing a little. I do, too. I'm glad he actually took this as a joke and not as an excuse to get pissed over nothing. God, I love normal Riku.

"I love you."

"I know."

I let go of him, giving him a quick kiss before heading to the car. I'm about to pull out of the driveway when he runs over. When I roll down the window he says, "I love you." He then punches me on the arm. "Come back in one piece."

"You know I will."

--

Really, since then everything has pretty much passed without incident. I'm in the train now, texting Roxas. He keeps asking how I am… it's nice that he cares so much, I guess. It's funny, actually… Riku has started calling us Soroxas. I guess it is fitting; I _am_ talking to Roxas and not _him_ right now and all.

Roxas has to leave after an hour or so, so I'm stuck with nothing to do. I can't believe I didn't consider the fact that I'd be on a train all day. I should have brought at least a magazine…I should have brought my laptop.

…Whoa.

I think I fell asleep; the sun is already setting. Well, I guess that takes care of the boredom.

I shift around so I can look at the scenery. There is... not a whole lot to look at. The sun is setting.

God, I'm bored still.

I'm miss Riku already.

--

I fell asleep sometime late last night and slept until the train finally came to a stop. Standing feels really weird, to say the least. My legs are all wobbly. Car to train to car with no stretch break... bad idea.

But wow, it's so good to see my old friends again. I mean, yeah, I could go without hearing about their love lives... Donald is still with Daisy, Goofy is dating some girl named Clara or something... (I'm tired, okay?) and I tell them how Riku and I are doing well and everything... but... that's it. Maybe we just aren't as close as we used to be.

It's funny.

When they visited last year (two years ago, even?) I had never been so happy to see anyone in my entire _life_. Now I just want to go home. I guess it's all in the circumstances. We're driving to my _mom's_. Sure, I get to spend the day with them tomorrow (they were kind enough to pick me up today) and then it should be less awkward. But today... I'm dreading spending time with _the dragon lady. _

Speaking of which, she's waiting outside as Goofy-- who is, by the way, someone I never want to get into a car with ever again-- pulls into the driveway. She looks sober, but pissed. Well, that's only one out of two of her norms. I guess that's good. "Thanks, guys," I mutter, hopping out of the little car. "Hi, mom!" I say, at least trying to sound like I kind of want to be here. "How _are _you?" She doesn't answer as she opens the door, sort of letting me in. Nice to see you after three long years, too, Mom. "Should I put my stuff in my room? I mean... my old room?" It never occurred to me before that my stuff is probably gone. She probably emptied my room the day I left. It's probably her new liquor cabinet.

...Okay, that wasn't_ really _necessary.

Sorry, Mom.

This silence is getting eerie. Well, I guess the bright side is that she isn't _yelling_…

"Take your old room." She says finally. Ah, she speaks! That's something.

"Okay, mom. Thanks." _Awkward_ silence. And I _mean_ awkward. "So… I guess I'll just unpack now, then." And I step into the room, closing the door behind me. I forgot how tiny this place is. My room here is probably less than half the size of my room at Dad's. It's… a nice change, though. Quaint, homey. I guess. It's not like there's all this space I don't need, don't know what to do with.

I open the drawer under my window to find that all my clothes are gone. So she only kept my furniture… well, that's good. I guess. I hope she donated it.  
Once I'm done putting everything away, I set a picture of Riku on top of the small dresser. It's old, but probably the only one I have of him where he isn't either flipping off the camera, or hasn't turned his head at the very last second. I call Dad and leave him a message on the home phone and his work phone saying that I made it in one piece.

Well.

Time to talk to Mom, I guess…. "My room is nearly the same." I tell her. "It's really nice to come home to something familiar… I missed it." Yeah, I'm partly sucking up to her so she won't make my stay here a living hell, but another part of me, oddly enough, is actually telling the truth. I _love _living with Dad, but this was my home for fourteen years. I can't just say, 'oh, it was kind of bad, I'll disown it,' like Riku does.

"Well… good." She replies after a moment.

"So, are you and Cameron still together?"

"We weren't for a month or so. But we are now."

"That's really good, Mom! Are you happy?"

"Of course I'm happy." She snaps, as if I'm insinuating something. Whatever. Regardless, I am _not _taking the bait. I need to keep the peace.

"I'm so glad." This is the longest lasting relationship you've had. Congratulations. I hope you really love that jerk.

There is an uncomfortable silence between us for a long time. _Please_ ring, phone! "How is work?"

"It's… alright."

"I hope it isn't too stressful." And that you're still showing up.

"Not lately."

"That's good," I ramble. "Stress sucks, doesn't it? It's so stressful." …Then I realize what I have said. Okay, that was stupid. But at least that's got Mom laughing, and laughter at my expense is better than being glared at for an hour straight, which is pretty much where this was headed.

Now, what else can I possibly ask her about? Work, boyfriend, combine that with her drinking and that's her _life_. "What else is new?"

And to my surprise, she actually tells me stuff. Good stuff. So now I'm thinking maybe this trip won't be so bad after all, and all of those things that got to me before were all in my head.

-­-

Okay. So. The witch bitch is mad at me for something. We were sitting at the table and I excused myself to go call Riku. We agreed on eight o'clock, and Mom said that was okay too.

I left at 7:56.

Cue the huffy sigh and passive aggressive: 'it's okay, just go call your _boyfriend_.' Whatever.

When I talk to Riku, I try to act like I'm not seriously irritated. Sadly, he doesn't _realize_ that I'm acting. I wish he were more perceptive. Maybe I'm upset over nothing…

"I miss you." I tell him, curled up in my own bed. "And I really wish you were here."

"Me, too." He says. Ha… no, you really, really don't.

"Nine days."

"I can't wait."

I would ask him about how his day was… but I'm sick of asking questions to keep the conversation rolling. All I want is for Riku to tell me he wants me home and about how much he loves me, and how everything is okay. But I know that's not him. That it's my job to tell _him _that. I at least get a 'good luck' before he hangs up and that works, too.

--

It's funny. This morning I wake with a similar sense of dread as the one I used to feel every single morning I woke up here as I preteen and… well, even before that, maybe. And I never even realized that that's how I felt until now, when it all comes back to me. But I have to say, it's dulled significantly by knowing that today I get to spend the day with my friends and not my Mom, and that I'm not going to school.

As soon as Donald and Goofy arrive, we walk over to an ice cream place where we used to _live _during the summer. And it's like… being _home_ in a really weird kinda way. Donald is basically pissed at the world and that's always a lot of fun… and Goofy is totally oblivious to the whole thing, so it all balances out. I'm really glad to be with them. I feel so nostalgic! And, I'm really surprised to say this but… I'm almost happy to be here.

_Almost._

I'm happy to be in a familiar place with my old friends. It's not exactly fun seeing the people who used to pick on me once again, but… well, that's the past now. As we walk up to order I catch a glimpse of a group of guys my age hanging around a small table. I mindlessly list off what I want to the girl behind the counter as I turn to look. It's not like it's anything unusual, it's just the fact that I recognize them which startles me.

(What? People I know living in my old hometown? Impossible!) And that it just so happens to be that guy (well, one of _many_) I overheard talking shit about me. That one from the locker room. The one who called me a loser and that he'd rather be dead than be like me. God, it feels like such a long time ago. I was what, thirteen? I mean, it's been four years. Nearly four years.

And I guess that shows, because when a few of them turn to look at me before returning to their conversation… I don't even see a glimmer of recognition in their faces.

Okay. That's okay.

I guess it was never that big a deal in the first place. So we walk out to eat in the sun, goofing off and messing around, really feeling like little kids again. And… it's fun.

--

The next day I really have nothing else to do, so I just kind of walk around town aimlessly. When I get to my old school… well, I _have _to see. I mean, it _is _open… it's like the whole place is just asking me to come in and take a look.

And… it's weird. I mean, the whole place essentially looks the same. We-- _they _got some new lockers and it looks like the whole inside of the building got a new coat of paint. The glass case holding plaques and trophies got cleaned. It really makes a difference. But it all seems… I don't know. Foreign, I guess.

The weirdest part of the whole thing is how alone I feel wandering these halls… revisiting the rooms where I was shoved around, the desks my books were pushed off and my things stolen, the bathroom I was chased into; the locker room where I was called names, the yard where I was beaten up.

The time I spent acting like nothing was going on, and that it wasn't a big deal.

I think it kind of was.

I mean, why else would this feel so weird? Maybe over time… I just kind of numbed myself. Once I left, that was _it_. I didn't associate it with myself anymore, like it never happened. Sure, it drove me to life on the _streets_, but my past was good, not like _Riku's_…

Man, Riku is complicated, but at least he acknowledged what happened to him. I've ignored what happened to me.

Yeah, this is probably bad. Now that I think of it… I pushed it all away while I was here, laughed everything off, but that's _still _effecting me.

For one, I over-justify _everything_. I'd get picked on and convince myself they didn't mean it, and it's leaked over into my new life, too. If Tidus and Wakka are goofing off, insulting each other, _inevitably _resorting to 'fag'… I would have to convince myself for like, five minutes that they don't mean anything by it. And of _course _they don't. Besides… they aren't even _talking _to me.

And if something is wrong with Riku or my friends, I have to fucking analyze it to _death _because I can't deal with my own problems.

And… and I'm so sensitive. _Chris _will call me a fag (Pot. Kettle. Black.) as a joke and I _freak_. He doesn't give a shit about that stuff. Riku doesn't give a shit. But it _kills _me. But I don't say that-- I just joke about it.

What's _wrong _with me? How did I get like this? Why did I let it happen? Why didn't I just deal with my problems then?

And as I walk home, I realize more things. For one, I almost _never _went to that ice cream place. I went _once _with Mom, Donald, and Goofy, and some guy yelled "Queer!" from across the room. I was _with my mom_.

I'm in a considerably worse mood by the time I get to Mom's house with, by the way, is not quaint. It's a doghouse. And we weren't 'kinda poor'. We were poverty-stricken. I gave Mom way too much credit for making my life miserable. I didn't give anyone else enough. I didn't let myself heal or get over this stuff. I wanted _Riku _to heal? _I _didn't heal! Who the hell am I to talk?

God, I owe him an apology, come to think of it… I just really want to talk to him now.

But just my luck, Cameron's here tonight.  
But I'm keeping an open mind. If it sucks, it sucks and I can angst about it then. But if it doesn't… I'm sure I can find other things to bitch and whine about. After all, I think I deserve that much.

--

Cameron looks… exactly the same. He brings some Chinese take out and we all sit and eat at the table in silence. When I glance at the clock, it's already half-past seven. Cameron was really, really late. Mom was stressing about it, too.

I hate him.

"I have to call my boyfriend at eight, so excuse me if I have to leave early." I say, mostly just for the sake of speaking.

"That's disgusting." He mutters, almost inaudibly. Mom shrugs, which is kind of like standing up for me. In a way.

"You face is disgusting." I mutter back, because I'm immature. Mom gets up to fix herself a drink. She gets one for herself and Cameron, of course, but then she gives _me _one and that really pisses me off. You, my _mother, _are an alcoholic! My boyfriend's drinking really fucked him up, and you _know _that! And I'm only _seventeen_. What are you _doing_? I'm your son, not your drinking buddy!

"No, but thanks." I say. She shrugs and takes it back. Good; just the smell of beer makes me want to puke.

But now I think she's mad. We've hardly spoken to each other but she's so mad at me already. What's wrong with me? Why do I keep fucking up? "So… Dad says hi and he hopes everything is well." Kind of. He told _me _that he hopes everything is well with Mom; not necessarily to tell her.

"Oh." She says. Damn it, why did I bring Dad up? That was so stupid!

"Yeah," I reply, starting to stand. "I think I should go call Riku now, before it gets too late. Thanks for bringing dinner, Cameron. It was good."

"Sit down, Sora." He says. …_What_? "Not everyone's done." _What!?_ Is he joking? Since when was _that _a rule? God, who does he think he is, my father?

"I promised I would call."

"Sit." He says.

"I'm _done_."

"I'm _not_, now sit."

"I didn't know you loved me so much." I snarl. This definitely shocks him.

"Respect your mother."

"This doesn't have anything to do with Mom!"

"Sora." She growls.

"_What_?"

"Listen to Cameron."

"What? Why?"

She sighs, taking a sip of her drink. "Because I said so." Oh, of _course_. I just _totally _changed my mind! Wow, Mom. You are _completely right_. And original, might I add!

"Whatever." I mutter, stomping off. When I reach my room I slam the door and flop onto the bed so I can scream in my pillow. I just want to get my anger out so I won't be an asshole to Riku and end up pissing him off. He doesn't deserve that.

I dial the number and Riku is _just _picking up when Mom screams, "You better _not _be on the phone!"

"Hello?"

"Riku!" I say. God, I'm happy to hear his voice.

"Sora?"

"How's it going?"

"It's okay." He says. "How are you coping over there?"

"I'm--Oh, _shit._" Mom's already drunk as she throws the door open and continues yelling at me.

"Cameron just left! Are you happy? He was going to stay the night, but he left because of _you_!"

"Sora?"

_Ugh_. Shit, shit, shit. "Sorry, Riku---Mom, I'm on the _phone _can you wait one-- No, Riku, hold on-- Mom, _mom_, please calm down…"

"Sora, do you want to just call me tomorrow?"

"_Sora_!"

"No, Riku. It's okay. I'll just go outside."

"_Sora_. Answer me. Get off the fucking phone!"

"Sora, call me back. I'll wait up till ten."

"…Okay, Riku. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"_Sora._"

I slam my phone shut and turn around. "I'm _not _on the phone, _okay_?"

"Why would you talk to Cameron like that?!" She asks me, loudly, still drunk and completely aghast.

"Like _what_? He was bossing me around and I got mad! I'm sorry!"

"He _left _because of you!"

"Mom," I try to reason before giving up and outright _yelling_ back. "You're acting like he's not coming back!"

"Like your father."

…That's _what this was all about?!_

"_What_?" I shout in exasperation. "That has nothing… they're nothing alike!" She doesn't reply. "I know you think Dad left because of me but that's not true! If he hated me so much then why am I living with him now? Why would he enroll me in a school there and let Riku stay? He _never _tried to turn me against you, so stop trying to turn me against him!" Again, she doesn't respond. "Oh yeah, and he told me about the letters. The ones you never gave me." I take a moment to catch my breath before continuing again. "And the money he would send. That you said he refused to give you."

Finally, she slowly says, "I thought that if I said those things about him, you would take to my boyfriends more easily."

"…Oh. Well. That… didn't really work."

"No," she agrees. "It didn't."

"Mom… they were _jerks_. And thinking that I would never see Dad again…" I stop, closing my eyes for a few seconds. I'm tired suddenly. "Or when you'd introduce your boyfriends as my new father, but they weren't around long…or…" Shit. I'm _trying _not to cry. I don't know if it will work. "Well, I liked your first one."

"Who?"

"Jim. I don't really remember a lot of names and faces-- not enough to put them together. But I remember Jim." She had _so _many boyfriends… for some I can't even remember a name or face, just actions and words. That's never good. "Why did you get rid of all the nice ones?!"

"Sora, he was a total pedophile." She says sharply.

"…What?"

"A few months after we started dating, I started to hear people in the office… talking." It's been a long time since I've heard her say anything about 'the office'. Even when I was living here, her mentions of work decreased and decreased. I guess she must have quit. "There was some rumor going around, something about how a repairman found kiddy porn or something on the computer he was fixing. It was Jim's. When I asked him about it, he didn't bother denying anything. I broke up with him because you were _eight _at the time. Like hell I was going to let him near you."

"Oh." Figures. _Figures._ God damn it. "Thanks." I guess.

"Whatever," She says, standing up and leaving. "I'm going to bed."

"Good night, mom." I reply, playing it up real sweet again.

_Shit_.

I go to bed tonight feeling confused and distressed, and just wanting to magically wake up somewhere else in the morning.

--

Today Mom's at work and Donald and Goofy are busy, so I sleep in late. I drift in and out of sleep until about two, letting everything that happened yesterday settle in my head. I scrunch under the covers, but the heat eventually becomes too much and I kick them off the bed. I toss and turn for a while, but by this point I'm too awake to get any more rest.

I reach for my phone and call Roxas. He should probably be home.

...Or not.

I call Riku. I never _did _get to talking to him last night.

"Hello?"

"Hey. You aren't busy, are you?"

"No."

"I'm sorry about last night." I tell him, first off. I'm sure that couldn't have been too comfortable for him, either… with mom screaming in the background and me almost in tears, trying to chat with him and fend for myself all at once? Not exactly ideal. And I just feel so bad because he _always _gets dragged into it. I mean, there were… _things_ said about him by Mom that I really, really hope he didn't hear.

"It's okay. It wasn't your fault." No… it was. I think it _was_. "How're you holding up?"

"I'm alright." I respond, sighing. "Been better, but everything's calmed down."

"Good."

"How's everything over there?" I ask after a few seconds.

"It's… good." He replies after a brief hesitation.

"Have you started work yet?"

"Yeah."

"How's that going?"

"It's alright." He says.

"That's specific."

I can just _see _him shrug or roll his eyes as he responds, "It could be better. It could be worse. I don't know what else you want me to say."

"…Well, how is everyone, then?"

"Dad's good." I don't know if it's a slip up or just my phone cutting out, but I definitely take note that Riku just said "Dad" and not "your Dad". "And… I haven't really seen anyone else."

"Where's Zakku?"

"Darry."

"…Oh." I reply, eloquently. "So you're basically alone then."

"Basically. _Thanks_, Sora."

"Sorry."

He laughs a little. "It's fine. Besides, if I wanted to hang out with someone, I would."

We're quiet, but I don't mind. It's just… really nice to know that he's right here, even if he's not _here _here.

I finally break the silence with, "So, what are you wearing?" There's a long pause, which is probably Riku trying to figure out if I'm serious. I'm not. Still, he doesn't laugh until I do.

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too," He says. A beat. "I really, really miss you."

--

For the next three days I dream that I'm back home, only to face _crushing _disappointment when I wake up on a crappy bed in a tiny room in a wreck of a house in a pathetic, close-minded suburb.

I'm a little homesick.

Whatever, at least Donald and Goofy are free today. I can't believe how busy they've been… I feel so abandoned! Ha.

"Is it good to be back, Sora?" Donald asks me as the three of us basically wander around town.

"Eh." I reply. "I miss Riku a lot."

"It's good you don't live here anymore." Goofy says.

"…Thanks."

"I'm sorry!" He says, chuckling. "All I meant was that you're better off with your dad."

"Oh." I say. "Well, I think he's right."

I _know_ he is. Just a few more days and I'll be back there. For good.

When I get home in the afternoon I go straight to my old room and flop onto the bed. All of this drama aside… I'm glad I'm here. I think I know a lot of things now that I didn't before. Important things.

As miserable as I've been this last year… it could have been worse. I finally have some perspective.

I was talking to Chris one time, about how I used to be picked on all the time for being gay. He said AJ used to live in a place like that too… people would call him BJ.

And Chris has lots of friends but… he's one of those _guys_. He's out-there and annoying and you either love him or hate him. The people who hate him are more… vocal than the people who love him. But he doesn't get bullied for being gay.

Ever.

Even that's an improvement.

I really have this… sense of community for the first time. More friends than I ever thought I could have. I can be myself for once and… I don't have to deny myself of anything I'm feeling.  
I never will again.

And… as much as Mom hates Riku, it's not because he's a guy or anything. She has her own convoluted reasoning. But the whole thing is, she doesn't give a shit that I'm gay either. That's _something. _Even if we're really messed up, my family accepts me.

Lastly, and this is a huge improvement, too, I must say… is I've finally stopped dreaming about Axel. It's probably because I have something immediate to stress about, example being… well, being here, but it's finally done. Over. I don't have to keep dwelling on it, and I don't have to keep feeling guilty. Period.

--

I am _finally _going home!

I feel like I've been here for… hell, fourteen years! I am restless throughout the entire bus ride, texting people and squirming around, turning to look out the window and then reading a book that I bought a few days ago. (I was _not _about to make the same mistake twice.) Sometime around sunset, I fall into an exhausted sleep.

Just like that.

When I wake up again, the bus has stopped and people are getting out. I hastily grab my things and meet with Dad. It's dark… I don't know if it's really late or really early. He asks me how everything went, and I say I'll tell him later. We drive the rest of the way home in comfortable silence. I check the clock, and it's still nighttime. And really not as late as I thought it was.

The first thing I do when we get in the house is check the answering machine for messages. It's beeping, so there's certainly stuff on there. I might as well see if there's anything for me. There's one message from Chris.

"Congrats! You survived happy homophobialand!" He said. I guess it's a nice thing to come home to… people missed me. It feels good: there is something here for me.

But… apparently not Riku. He works till eleven tonight, and a part of me wonders if he's still angry after all this time.

Jerkass.

Although when he does come home, he seems genuinely happy to see me. In fact… he seems a lot happier in general than I remember him being. He grins and hugs me, tells me he's glad I'm back and that I'd better not do that again, laughing. What a relief. I'm suddenly overcome with emotion and don't speak, instead returning the embrace and burying my face in his chest. I _missed _him. More than I can ever express… I missed him. And… I feel so at home. No doubt about it. I belong here.

Later in the night, Riku gets on his knees and shows me exactly how much he missed me.

And I do my best to show him the same when I return the favor.

--

"Riku?" I ask, sometime late in the night. I don't know how long we've been laying in bed, not really saying anything. For the longest time, I didn't even know he was awake.

"What?"

It takes me a moment to ask my question-- and I do, by the way, have one to ask. I've gotten so far past that kid who used to talk to Riku just to _be _talking to Riku. That kid seems like a different person to me. Or… I guess that should be: _I_ seem like a different person. "Why do you like me?" He glances over at me and rolls his eyes, smiling. "I'm serious… I guess I'm not particularly smart or funny or good-looking. I'm just kind of average."

"Because you have money." He replies right away, smirking.

"I'm serious."

"Look," He says now, any trace of a joke in his voice now gone. "If you weren't all those things, I wouldn't be with you. I would never have wasted the time." He rolls over, almost on top of me. "Besides, no one else understands me."

"Other people like us would." I answer. Then, "maybe." when he doesn't reply.

After a moment's pause, he chuckles. "Sora, I don't think there _is_ anyone like us."

I think he's right.

--

Riku and I spend the whole weekend together. It's so great feel natural and myself with someone I love so deeply… I felt really stifled back home. No… no. I'm with Riku now-- that place is not, was not, and will never be my home. That's okay. Doesn't mean I'm denying myself of anything. Denying anything. Just means I don't really want to go back. I'm done pretending like there's never been anything wrong, but it doesn't mean I have to pity myself either. For the first time in my life, I've got a really good middle.

…And now, Riku's arm over my shoulder.

What more do I need?

--

On Monday, Riku's working so I hang out with Kairi. It's still weird when it's just the two of us, even though that's how it is most of the time now. Riku stopped hanging out with us… well, when he started using drugs, I guess. But I like it just fine. If Roxas is more like a brother than anything, Kairi is my best friend.

"You know," She says as we're taking to bus over to the beach. "If you weren't gay I'd dump my boyfriend for you."

So I say, "And if I weren't gay, I'd dump my boyfriend for you, too." She laughs and punches my arm before hugging me. It's startling, it always is-- I don't know why, but I return the gesture.

--

On Friday, I spend the day with Roxas. It's been way too long since we've spent the day together.

"I'm glad you're back." He says absently as he grabs the remote from the table, starting to flip through channels on the TV. "I was dying of boredom without you here."

"Sorry."

We're quiet until he finds something interesting and stupid. When a commercial comes on he says, "So, I saw Hayner, Pence, and Olette."

"How'd that go?"

He shrugs. "It… wasn't the same. I guess this is kind of my home now."

"I know what you mean."

--

Later, after Roxas's gone home, Dad says, ruffling my hair, "The house was too quiet without you here."

I've never felt more at home.

--

Riku.

Is.

Leaving.

Before I even knew it August came and Riku turned eighteen, and now he's moving out for good. What am I supposed to do with him gone? Since we met we've been apart for a few weeks at a time, but _only_ a few weeks at a time. This seems so… permanent. I've been by his side almost constantly for three years, and now he's just _leaving_? I feel cheated somehow. I know it makes no sense… this is _great_, really, that Riku's life is going so well and he's really found his way. That he's starting college soon and has his own place and can be _independent _again. That's all he's ever wanted. He's so excited.

Don't get me wrong, I am too. I'm thrilled. I've never been so happy for him, or so proud. But… I've found myself wishing more than once that he had failed, so that I would be able to take care of him.

I'm awful.

"What's on your mind?" Riku asks as he packs up, a day or so before he leaves for good.

"Nothing, baby." I just don't think he'd understand.

"I can't believe that I'm actually leaving." Neither can I.

The night before he leaves, we sleep outside like runaways. We're only in the backyard but… we're not using a tent or blankets or sleeping on the hammock. It's exciting in an odd way, having the thrill of adventure that running away provided us with the safety being home. I know I'm sugarcoating it… running away was a hell. Riku was freaking psycho and I was a mess and we were hungry, dirty, and scared… but I feel an odd sense of nostalgia. I like it.

"I love you." I say. He looks over at me and smiles. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. The sun only set a few hours ago, but I'm exhausted. One thing that really strikes me as odd is how clear the sky looks. It's probably because of all the streetlamps. I guess I never realized how accustomed I was to being in total darkness, every star in the night sky in plain sight. But Riku's arms wrapped around me definitely makes up for that. I can't help but think that this is how we should have been from the start.  
It was… a journey. A horrible, scary, humbling, wonderful journey.

Completely worth it.

Everything.

Her abuse, the abandonment, running away… his aloofness, break-ups, the fights, dealing with his drug abuse and withdrawal, how afraid I was and still am for what will happen to us…

It's all been worth it.

And it's going to hurt at first, when Riku's gone… but maybe someday we'll live together. Maybe we'll marry.

Things can only get better.


	38. Riku: Past, Present and Future

_Note: _Last half written while half-asleep. Beta'd while 70 percent asleep. Sorry. About this chapter… I thought it was only fair to give Sora a background chapter, especially after he left to visit his hometown. Also, sorry for the constant mood whiplash.

Home

Chapter 38

(Riku's POV)

"Now that I'm leaving," I say to Mr. Hart the night after my eighteenth birthday, the night before I move out. "You won't have anyone to give impromptu drug tests to. How are you going to cope?"

"I've still got one kid left." He replies with a grin.

Sora went to bed an hour ago, so it's just Mr. Hart and I at the dinner table. I don't mind… I'd like time to say goodbye, to talk to him. Tomorrow will be for Sora.

"When I first came to live here… you offered to adopt me."

"I remember."

"I wish you had." I admit. I wish I could have been a part of this family more. God, I've longed for this.

"It's better that I didn't," He says, taking a sip of his coffee. "Things worked out just fine, didn't they?"

"…Yeah. They did."

"I just wished I hadn't pushed you so hard. I was overbearing because I thought that's what you needed, but I only made the both of us uncomfortable…" He grins. "I guess growing up with three sisters does that to you."

"No, it's okay. It all… it worked out." And with that, I excuse myself to bed.

Of course I'm distressed the day I leave. The sight of Sora finally giving in to the pain I know he's been feeling and sobbing into my chest before I go is almost too much to bear. It almost gives me second thoughts.  
But I just kiss him and tell him he can visit me and call me whenever he wants. That I love him so much I can't really believe it myself. That I'll miss seeing him first thing every morning.

Then I drive away.

In typical movie fashion, he runs down the street, waving, until I disappear from view.

But I feel no doubt.

The apartment's in even worse shape than I remembered and I'm farther from Mr. Hart's than I knew.

Oh well.

At least I'm on my own. And Mr. Hart was kind enough to give me a shitload of money to fix this place up, a "birthday present", and I plan to start on the project right away. Besides, I know better than to refuse Mr. Hart's lavish gifts, especially when he's in "care-for-my-surrogate-son" mode.

The first thing I do is paint the place. I use shades of pale yellows, purples, greens because… why not? They're supposedly calming and God knows I could use that. The walls certainly look… interesting by the time I'm done, and I know I spent more nights at Zach's than necessary while waiting for it to dry. But I'm happy with the finished project. It's different, it's cool, it's unconventional. It's _me_.

Next, a new mattress. Bed sheets. A bed spread I jacked from Mr. Hart's. Silverware, glasses, plates, bowls I received as housewarming gifts from the family and I'm grateful for it. I buy tables and chairs and vanity things-- a cheap TV I will never watch and a used DVD player to go with it, things to hang on the walls.

A few days later, when it's all over and done with, I have a small home that actually looks like someone lives here.

That _I _live here.

I call Sora right away. And… he's not there. I turn on my laptop and log into IM, something I normally don't use. He's mobile. Do I really want to bother him?

_Hello?_ I type. He says hi almost immediately. I ask how he is; he says he's great.

How quickly life moves on without me.

-

Classes start sooner than they should, and I quickly adjust to this new schedule. The work is hard but fun, and for the most part, I fit in. I find myself attracted to this photography student named Naminé. She's quiet, smart, quick, is always sketching and jotting down ideas. She likes to say that photography is her passion, but drawing is her compulsion… I like her the moment I meet her.

But there's one thing.

Her uncle is Marluxia.

She spent most of her life living with him and was surrounded by the same environment I was attracted to so much when I was seventeen. She never used, but she was still hurt by it. That helps seal our bond, to say the least. We share the last class of the day, and each day I walk her to her car before locating mine and heading home.

Tonight, I'm not hungry even after night falls so I make toast and rice and sit in front of the TV. I guess this isn't the most healthy dinner, but what do you do?

I'm half-involved in some cop show rerun when the phone rings, scaring the shit out of me. I had no idea that the ring tone was going to be so high pitched… no wonder I got it so cheap.

"Hello?"

"Riku?" It's Sora! I try not to sound as pathetically thrilled as I am.

"Hey."

"So… how is it?"

"What, over here? It's going alright."

"That's good… um, everything here is good, too."

"Good." I say. Then I realize just how much we've been saying that word and have to change my answer. "That's nice. So how is…" Mr. Hart? Dad? That's my eternal struggle…

"Dad's fine. I'm fine. We're all--" His voice catches. He sighs.

"You okay?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I miss you, you know." No response. "You there? Sora?"

"Yeah."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing," He says, leading us into another harsh silence. "It's just… weird. School just started, so I'm a senior now. I can't believe it. I'm taking advanced classes… but I don't know why. It's really hard." He lets out a gentle laugh. "I'm already stressed. I feel so inadequate with all of these really, really smart kids… And I actually fought with Roxas yesterday. We've never… _not_ gotten along. And all of this is going on while you're not here. I'm still adjusting to not having anyone to talk to."

"You can still talk to me, Sora."

"I know. But it's not the same."

"I know."

"I just… I want us to be together."

"…I know."

-

The following weekend, Sora comes to visit. It's Friday today and I'm fortunate enough to have him till Sunday. Mr. Hart is gone for a business trip, anyway. I hear a knock on the door at around four o'clock and fumble with the lock before letting him in. We walk over to the couch and sit in silence.

"Hi." He finally says.

"Hi."

"I really… I like this a lot." He says, vaguely motioning behind him. "You fixed this place up really nice."

"You don't even know what it looked like before."  
He shrugs, grinning sheepishly.

"It was nothing like this, am I right?"

I roll my eyes and shake my head, grinning.

"Right."

He laughs, putting his hands on the back of his head, scratches. Rubs his neck. Nervous habit. Is he nervous around me? "So…"

"Yeah."

He laughs again.

"You and Roxas ever make up?"

"Yeah, a long time ago." His face brightens a little, but whether it's because I remembered their fight and thought to ask or because Roxas has been brought up, I don't know. I swear, he loves that brat more than he loves me.

"That's good."

"How's school?" He asks, suddenly perky.

"It's good. I like the atmosphere."

"You're enjoying it."

"Yeah. It's much better than high school. High school… doesn't really matter. It's made into a bigger deal than it really is."

"That's a relief." He chirps.

"How's school for you?"

He sighs loudly. "Hard. I might drop out."

"…What??" I stammer.

"Into easier classes!" He backtracks, explaining himself quickly. "I'm in full advanced placement and I think it's more work than what I can handle."

"Christ, Sora," I sigh. "You scared me." Sora grins and shrugs.

"It's kinda funny, you know? Back with Mom, I was hardly managing C's and D's because I just didn't understand the material. Now… I've been getting straight A's and I'm doing well enough this year, too, and the material is much harder. It's not… too hard, but the workload is ridiculously heavy. That's all."

I shrug now. "Do whatever works for you." He's way too lazy to be in classes with a heavy workload; when I tutored him and helped him study for tests our first year back, I really ended up doing most of the work. When I look up, he's smiling. "What?"

"Nothing. I just love you." …Um, alright. "To be honest… I'm really surprised I even made it this far. It's like… my life started normally enough, you know? But then it was all crazy and… it's normal again. I like it."

"No." I say quietly. "I don't know." It's occurred to me several times that I don't know my boyfriend as well as he knows me. I've never prodded him about his own past.

"…Oh. Huh." He clicks his tongue once and lays his head against the armrest, scooting his body forward. "Well, I had a fairly functioning family until Dad left. Dad and Mom fought all the time, for as long as I can remember. My mom was drinking then, though not a lot. I think that's what they fought about… but they fought about a lot of stuff. Money, her drinking… me. Then suddenly, without warning… Dad was gone. And when he left, things really started to fall apart.

My mom started bringing home all these creepy guys, and she'd be like, 'Oh, this is your Dad now', every week. And I was about seven or eight, so it really messed with my head. The first guy she brought home was great… he was funny and paid a lot of attention to me. Really, really nice guy. I was absolutely crushed when he and Mom broke up."

He looks up at me briefly. "I talked to my mom about it when I went back there... She said he was some sort of pedophile. I guess that says it all right there, huh? The guys after that weren't a whole lot better. A lot of the guys who weren't total losers didn't even give my mom a real chance when they found out that she was a parent. So she ended up with a lot of drunks and jerks. I'm just lucky that neither of us were horrendously abused or anything. 'Cept… my mom didn't see it that way. She started blaming me for the… quality of the guys she dated, for Dad leaving, why she worked so hard --which she _didn't_, by the way, half the time she left her job early to go out drinking-- and why she drank in the first place. I threw myself into school work to get away, at the start."

"Me too," I say. "It doesn't work."

"No," He agrees. "It doesn't."

"You gave up."

"Very, very quickly." He admits with a laugh. "It wasn't really worth it. School got hard for me really early on and I kind of… I mean, I _tried_, but I just don't… get things. I understand _people_, not textbooks."

"I know _that_," I reply softly. He looks up at me briefly and smiles.

"So… for a long time it was just me and my mom and her boyfriend of the week. Cameron, her boyfriend now, first came into the picture when I was about… eleven or twelve. Actually, that's about the time Donald and Goofy did. Our parents were friends before we were all even born, so I knew them since I was a baby. But Goofy was older so he was always at a different school, and Donald moved when I was… I don't know, five and didn't come back until I was ten or so. But it was okay. I didn't _need _them like I did when I was a preteen because…" His eyes darken briefly, his lips push into a thoughtful frown. "I had friends back then.

I lost a few once my Dad left, and then when people found out about my mom and our… situation, financially and… well, though I'd had teachers who basically figured out that she was a total drunk, my friends just thought she was weird and kind of avoided me. And then by the time I was in junior high, I didn't have any left… I wasn't into girls by then so everyone just naturally assumed I was gay. I mean, they were _right,_" He pauses, grinning, but the look fades into something more serious almost as quickly as it came. "But… they just _assumed._ They started making fun of me. Well… no, that's not true. I was made fun of sometimes before that, but it wasn't a big deal."

"How is that not a big deal?"

"Because they made fun of my name. That's so kiddy. Doesn't mean anything."

"Having an unusual name _sucks_." I reply flatly.

"God," Sora says. "I _know_! You want to know _how_ I got my name?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I was conceived while my parents were in Japan. Isn't that lovely?"

"…Ew."

"Yeah. I know. So my mom insisted on a Japanese name. She went with Sora because Dad convinced her that, out of everything else she liked, it would be the easiest to pronounce, and people would probably get it right. But I still got teachers calling me Sara at the beginning of the year." He smiles, rolling his eyes. "Close enough. Both are girl's names anyway. My mom wanted a girl."

"No one over the age of thirty can ever seem to pronounce my name right the first go." I tell him. "'Ryyyku?' 'Riiickkuu?' And those are the ones where people don't pull random letters out of their ass." This makes him laugh, hard. "At least you have a cool story behind yours. I got my name because the nurses at the hospital where I was born were completely inept."

"Yeah," He agrees. "That really sucks."

"But at least in your case they didn't get specific… they didn't name you a city or," I get quieter as a go along, as if someone will overhear. "Like… a hotel name."

He laughs again. "Yeah! That must be awful too, for people who were…"

"I'm glad my parents didn't even think about it. I'd be Backofthetruck Imakura or something."

Sora just gapes for a moment before chortling, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I always forget you have a sense of humor." He teases.

"Back to the subject at hand." I interject, playfully punching his arm. Sora chuckles.

"Okay, okay. Junior high. Everyone thought I was gay, so they really started picking on me. Beating me up. And the deeper Mom fell into her addiction, the more physical she'd get with me… she'd throw things or even slap me when she got angry enough. All that, paired with the boyfriends who would also get physical sometimes, and the bullies at school…"

He shrugs. "I had a lot of black eyes growing up."

"I thought you said you weren't abused."

"I said I wasn't horrendously abused. It wasn't that bad, or that often. Besides, I still had Donald and Goofy there to support me and be there for me no matter what. And that's better than nothing. They really helped, especially the times when… when I didn't want to be alive anymore. Obviously, I never acted out on it but… I thought about it a lot." He stops and I don't say a word. A long lull in our conversation. I vaguely knew about all of these things, but the thought of my beautiful, funny, gentle boyfriend being so miserable doesn't mesh with me. "I couldn't comprehend how much the bullying affected me then… my self esteem plummeted, and it was still low until recently. I was emotional. I became afraid of the dark." I developed a sensitive stomach. I started getting sick. I started lashing out.

"…But yeah, anyway, Cameron assumed I was gay, too. He was afraid I'd hit on him." Sora rolls his eyes. "Because, you know, I was _so _hot for him and everything. I _love _douchebags. He was a bossy little bitch, basically, and tried to micromanage my life like he was my dad or something. And he was only twenty-something… not _that _much older than me. But then… at some point Mom lost her job, and she and Cameron would break up and get back together… she was unbearable at this point. Her idea of love has always been odd." He explains. "And once it becomes, you know… 'I'll purposely miss when I through bottles at my son's head,' that's…" He trails off and doesn't continue, instead starting up a new thought. My teachers hated me because I became this clown who goofed off and doodled and slept instead of doing my work or paying attention. And I wasn't even one of those popular, jock clowns. I was just _me_.

I was failing _everything_ because I didn't understand and didn't know how to ask for help or even care, and… one day I woke up and decided I wanted to live with my Dad. Period. It wasn't something that had even occurred to me before. I faked sick to leave early from school, packed my things, and just… left. It wasn't hard. I wandered around for hours and… well, I got the shit beaten out of me on my first night. As you know." He smiles now, shaking his head. "And when I saw _you_… I mean, you were saving my life--"

"No--"

"You took on all those guys and you beat them! I had never seen anything like it. It was _amazing_!"

"They were weak."

"There were ten of them!"

"Five." I smirk. "But I could've taken ten."

"And god, you were so fucking gorgeous. You _are _gorgeous. Even more so now. I had never seen anyone who looked like you in my whole life! And you were… so mature. You made me feel safe."

"Are you shitting me?"

"It's true!" He insists. "You were cold and blunt but you weren't mean. You cared, I could tell. Not at first, but later… and there was more to you than you let on. You fascinated me. You've always been kind of the 'bad boy', after all. And now…" he shrugs, grinning. "Here we are!"

"Yeah," I agree. "Here we are."

"And… despite everything, I'm glad. I like not being like everyone else. I like that I identify with people like you more than people like Chris. I like having an understanding of you and your situations, period. And I like who I am." He grins again, spreading out and raising his arms. "It all worked out!" I lean over and kiss him.

"Yeah. I guess it did."

He's still smiling when I glance back at him, but it flickers and fades once he thinks I'm not looking. I'm a little sorry for bringing it up… he keeps all of that stuff inside. Must be hard to talk about it. I know what that feels like… I'm glad I got past it. I mean, it's still hard to talk about, but… it's been worse.

"I'm sorry." He says suddenly.

"For what?"

"I didn't give you enough credit, really… I mean, a lot of the time, in our relationship I start to get thinking… and I think you're not affectionate enough, not open enough. But that's not true. You slept next to me almost every night for three years. If that _isn't_ affection…"

"Damn right." I say. It's the wrong answer, I know, but it makes him smile and laugh.

"And at the beginning you were really… formal when you spoke. When we met you were crude, but then we got together and you seemed… different. Not yourself, I guess. I mean, the change of lifestyle probably had a lot to do with it but… I'm glad that changed fairly quickly." Having nothing to say, I shrug. We're quiet again. "But just let me say one thing."

"Go ahead."

He looks back over at me and socks me in the arm. _Fuck_, ow! I wasn't expecting that. "You made me cry. When my mom came home drunk and threw things at me and screamed at me, I didn't cry. When she'd dump boyfriends that I really liked, I didn't cry. When I got beaten up at school, I didn't cry. But you can make me cry just by looking at me funny." He laughs again. But then, he's serious. "When you were on drugs… no, before that too. When you carried around that knife with you, and when you lied, saying you self-mutilated… I thought I was going to just drop dead. I was so terrified. And you treated me like shit. You refused to understand me."

"I'm sorry." I tell him, honestly. I _am _sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I can't even express it.

"Like that time…" He trails off, and for a moment, I'm not expecting him to finish the thought. I hope he doesn't. "When you were grounded, so Dad was making you clean the kitchen. I tried to help and it really pissed you off. Remember?"

"No." I reply honestly.

"You told me to leave and I touched your hair before I left. So you yanked me over and punched me."

"…I did?"

He looks annoyed and _hurt_. This isn't how this was supposed to go… "How can you not remember that? I had to yell for Dad because I thought you were going to beat the shit out of me."

"I--I'm sorry." I tell him. "I _don't _remember that. I mean, I'm sure it _happened_. I just… it's hazy. I was probably on crack or something at the time. It's the only thing I can think of." I gently reach over to touch his shoulder. He doesn't shy away, and that's a good sign. "I broke down. I can't remember what happened when I had that breakdown in middle school, either. I just know that it happened." Sora's quiet, doesn't look at me. "But… it's all okay now, right?"

"…No." He replies after a moment. "It's not okay. And it's never gonna be okay."

I don't really know how to respond; is he doing to dump me on the spot? "I…"

"I still love you though. Despite everything." And he smiles for me again. "You just owe me, is all."

"I know." I say, relieved more than anything. "God, do I know."

-

We kill a good hour and a half watching TV, his head on my shoulder and my arms around his waist. He smells good. I know that's probably a weird as hell thing to be thinking right now, but he smells really good.

"I'm hungry." He says suddenly.

So I end up making dinner even though it's hardly five. The TV's still blaring even as we eat, but for some reason it only makes us talk louder, rather than actually taking the effort to walk over and turn it off. Hell, the more noise the better.

I… I'm lonely without him. I'm lonely without my boyfriend and all the noise and racket that comes with him.

After we're finished eating I wash up. Sora shouts at me over the water running, but I can't really gather what he's saying. Stuff about school and Roxas and Kairi.

And what happens after is inevitable. Of course we end up on the couch again, kissing and groping and sighing.

"Riku," Sora says. "Riku… man… I want you."

This stops me. I don't know why I'm not more used to this by now…

"…Oh. Then should we…?"

"Your room?" He fills in.

"Yeah."

He kiss me one more time before getting up. "Yes. Please." I trail after him.

My bed is small. Too small for the two of us, really, but we'll have to make do with that we've got. He crawls into bed and I climb on top of him. We kiss more and roll almost off the bed, but I catch Sora at the last second.

"Sorry." He says. "I'm used to our old bed."

"Your bed." I correct him. He shrugs. I bite his neck. "I top tonight." And when I glance up I can see the smallest trace of a smile on his face.

"Go right ahead."

-

The morning after is unusually uncomfortable. I suppose it really makes sense, though… it's a change. And we've never changed before. I've always been the one who…

I sigh, getting out of gently resting my feet on the carpet before rising. I'm expecting a jolt of pain to run through my body, and am pleasantly surprised when nothing happens. A little stiffness, but it isn't too bad.

Not that I mind the pain, really, when I bottom. It's a nice little reminder of what went on the night before. No, it's still not wonderful yet… but I'm warming up to it, I guess. I like it. And I liked topping for once, too.

From somewhere behind me, Sora stirs, so I crawl back into bed.

"Good morning." I say.

"Hi." He responds shyly. Sora _shy_ amuses the hell out of me.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore."

This is the answer I was expecting, but not the one I was hoping for. 'Sore but good' would be preferable.

"But…?"

"I'll survive." He gets out of bed and visibly flinches. I was too rough on him. Damn it.

"Stay in bed." I tell him.

"I'm tired."

"Then sleep." He looks at me, smiling for a moment. Then he rests his head back on his pillow and closes his eyes. I don't really hear from him again for a good half hour.

I'm dozing when I begin to register sounds of sheets rustling, and a weight on the bed goes missing. "Sora…?" I murmur.

"Shower." He says tiredly. "…That okay?"

… Why in the world is he asking if it's okay? "Of course." I tell him.

"See you in a few."

"Take your time."

Now I'm a bit worried. I was too hard on him, we went too fast, I didn't prepare him well enough, we didn't really have lube so we had to settle with lotion. It didn't work as well.

I feel terrible. Considering that I've bottomed several times, I should have known what to do. I really fucked this up…he told me to stop, twice. And I did, and I helped him get repositioned, let him take a few breaths… maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I wasn't as bad as I think I was. But maybe I really, really messed this up…

_Oh_. He's out. The water just stopped. "Hey." I say quietly after the door opens.

"Hi." Is his delayed reply.

"Get over here." I tell him. He smiles briefly and hobbles over, sliding under the covers, next to me. I pull him close. "…You're shaking."

"I'm _cold_."

"You're quiet."

"I'm tired." He says, before adding: "I'm embarrassed."

"No… don't be. It's okay. I kind of was too. The first time." Laying naked on your back, legs spread, is nothing if not humbling.

"But we were comfortable the last few times. It's just… this is stupid. We should be used to this by now. I should have been used to it."

"Look, I feel weird after you fuck me _every time_. It's not a big deal." He rapidly turns, looking over at me.

"Really? _Shit. _I didn't realize…"

"It's okay," I assure him. "It started out bad, but it's getting better. Just like everything else with us." I pause, waiting for this to sink in with my fiancée. "We slow down from now on. Okay. Besides… you told me all this stuff about yourself and then you bottomed for the first time. It's double the awkwardness rolled into one."

To my surprise he nods, grins, and rolls on top of me, nuzzling his head under my chin. "I know. I'm just being stupid about this whole thing. Don't pay attention to me…"

"I never do." I reply. I don't think he's taking it as the joke it was meant to be. "Hey, I love you."

"I know you do." He pauses thoughtfully before sitting up, leaving him straddling my lap, fully exposed.

And _he_ was the one complaining about feeling awkward not five minutes ago? "I love you, Riku."

Then, a pang of guilt. I should have been open like he is after our first time. But I shied away from him until I could figure out what I was feeling. Sometimes I feel like he's way out of my league…

Sora, you deserve someone who "actually has emotions", the opposite of how you've described me in the past.

'You would be easier to get along with if you actually had emotions'.

'How can you act like this? Don't you have _any _empathy?'

'Sometimes I wonder if you can feel anything at all.'

'You look like you were crying. Can you even do that?'

Et cetera. Not that it's really fair to take things he said during our arguments while I was on drugs, or at the beginning of our relationship, before I _did _open up, but there's truth to it. Of course I feel… I still just have trouble showing it to other people sometimes. "Riku," Sora says evenly, snapping me from my thoughts. "Thank you."

"…Wait, what?"

"You made this whole thing really easy for me."

_How?_ I hurt him! It's all I ever do… "You were patient and considerate… you stopped when I asked you to. Not a lot of guys would have done that. Trust me." His smile is a gentle one. "Don't beat yourself up over this. I worried about you, too, our first time. That's natural, too. Okay? So forget about it, hon."

He is _eerie_. "How did you even know I was feeling shitty?"

"Because I know you." He laughs-- a light, surprising sound. "You're easy to read."

"And you always say you can't figure me out." I reply, propping myself up. I grab his shoulders as to pull myself into a sitting position, making him squeak in surprise and protest. "By the way, 'hon' is much better than 'baby', or any of those other names you've tried throughout the years."

He rolls his eyes. "I really _can't_ figure you out."

You already have, my love.

-

We eventually relocate to the couch. "What are you going to do with me for the next two days?" He asks, sticking out his tongue.

"Switch around the 'with' and 'me' and then we'll talk." I give him time to figure it out before smirking.

"Okay, _this,_" He says, wiggling his ass. "Doesn't count." I beg to differ. "…Besides, I'm topping next time."

"…So you _didn't _like it."

"Yes I did. I just like topping more. And I want to switch it up often so we don't get bored of the same thing over and over and over again."

"Three overs? Sounds like you're planning on having a lot of sex."

"I'm planning on being with you for a long time." He says without missing a beat. Cue me feeling like an asshole. "…So, hey. Let's play a game."

"Like what?"

"I ask you a question and you answer. Truthfully. Then you can ask me one."

"About what?"

"Anything," He clarifies. "Anything you want."

"I remember this." I mutter, not hiding the little smirk on my face.

"Okay, I'll go first." He speaks as if he didn't hear me; maybe he didn't. "What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?"

The question's lightness is surprising. But then, he has nothing more about me to discover, really. I still have my own little secrets, sure-- Mister being one of them-- but he _knows _me. Knows my past and hell, he probably knows my future better than I've been able to figure it out. (Maybe I should just marry him-- no, I will. I _will_.)

And I'm able to answer his question without hesitation: "You are, Sora."

He gapes a little at this, smiling and flushing, opening his mouth to speak with no words coming out. "Now come on, let's make lunch."

"Okay." He says finally, beaming.

In the afternoon, we feed ducks at the park by the library. It's a busy day, despite the first hint of winter chill lingering in the air. It's mostly mothers with their children, making me feel a little out of place and ridiculous, but Sora's enjoying himself.

Okay, I'm enjoying myself too. I'm sitting in front of a pond on a nice day with my lover, and as long as I don't think about all the druggies in the park, I feel totally and completely relaxed. Sora rests his head on my shoulder, sighing calmly as ducks squeak and squabble over every chunk of bread he tosses into the water. Occasionally a really brave one will waddle out of the pond and eat right out of Sora's hand. I smile as he laughs in a childish joy that must be a relief for him to be feeling. I know he's stressed out. I know it's tough to be apart after living side by side for so long. And I know his ass must hurt like hell, but that's another matter entirely. He shudders when I wrap an arm around him and kiss his head. But we don't really speak. We don't really have to.

We eat dinner out at a little fast food join across the street from the library. I'm going to regret this later, I know, because I have absolutely _no _money, been living on noodles for a month, but I right now I don't care. I'll work a little extra during the week, whatever. Lifetimes ago, I would have given anything to feel what I'm feeling right now. Sora… do you feel the same way about me?

I honestly think you do.

That night, because we're both total morons, we have sex again. I bottom this time, because even if I'm horny, I'm not a sadist. Besides, bottoming truly isn't that bad. Especially not this time. I don't know _what _it is-- the longing, my loneliness, or even the new position -- but… I _get _it now. I enjoy it, and, as Sora does nothing short of _wrenching _orgasm from my body… I still can't help but think, this is _it. _This is what all the fuss is about, I get it now. And, both physically and mentally, it's amazing. For once, something doesn't have to be complicated.

-

Sunday comes sooner than I had anticipated, and it's hard to see him go. I feel sort of bad, like I should have made this all a little more fun for him… made it an _event_, not just an extraordinarily long period of hanging around. No. No, that's not quite it…

"Sora," I say, abruptly grabbing his shoulder as he's about to exit.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry."

He shoots me a confused look. "Sorry for what?"

"For hurting you so much. For my drug use. I--I don't think I ever really got to tell you the extent of how _sorry _I am, and how terrible I feel. But…" My voice catches. God, where did all of _this _come from? "I _do_. I love you, I never meant to hurt you. It's all my fault."

"Yeah," He says bluntly. "It is your fault. A lot of your problems are self-inflicted." All I can think is, _Ouch_. But it's true.

"It still hurts. Knowing what I was doing to you… what I was doing to _myself_. I was dying, and I didn't care."

"Riku… I'm sorry, but I really need to leave. Dad's waiting for me. Where are you going with this?"

"Please forgive me. _Please._" Maybe I'm just stalling him. _Shit _I'm lonely; lonely and homesick and guilt-ridden. He shakes his head, surprising me with a gentle smile, dropping his bags to the ground. Chuckling, he embraces me.

"I forgave you a long time ago, idiot." Sora says. "I'm still mad, sometimes, about what you did to me even before you were on drugs. But that doesn't change a damn thing." He pulls away, grinning. "Just don't be a jerkass in the future, alright?"

Relieved, I laugh. "Yeah, okay." He picks up his bags again and turns, then stops.

"Oh, I almost forgot."

"What?"

"Not this Saturday, but the one after… that's my birthday. I'm having a big party, probably starting at four, but you can come earlier if you want. I know you're busy but I really, really want you to come, even if it's only for a few minutes." Only now does he turn to look back at me. "Please be there. It would mean a lot to me."

"I will." I tell him.

"You promise?"

"Yeah. I promise."

I already know exactly what I'm getting you, kid.

-

The following weekend, I walk over to the nearby locksmith. I'm passing through the seedy kind of neighborhood that, once my second home, I now avoid like the plague. But it would be a long walk otherwise, and I really don't feel like driving today. Besides, I'm out of gas.

"Hey, Riku." Purrs an all-too-familiar voice. Well, shit.

"Xigbar, what do you want?" I growl.

"Wow, let's get right to the point, shall we? As you probably know, Axel's currently being eaten by worms." I shudder. "But, you see… here's the bummer of it all: he left a lot of stuff behind. A lot of stuff I want back."

"Like what?" I ask flatly, though I _know _what he's going to say.

"Heroin, coke, crack… we all _know _he had more than what he'd give us. And we _know _that he's still got some in that shitty apartment of his, somewhere."

"That's nice."

"We can't find it, numbnuts." He snaps.

"Ask Demyx." I tell him. "He'd know."

"He's dead." This takes me aback, only slightly. The man's mental health was deteriorating, even without the drugs. He probably flipped out and killed himself.

"Ask Larxene."

"She's dead." Larxene was a whore; she was probably murdered. Okay.

"Ask Vexen."

"Axel killed him a week before Marluxia offed him."

Christ, I'm so glad I quit going around with these head cases. "Sounds like you're dropping like flies." I unhelpfully comment. "That's unfortunate, man." And now I can just _feel_ his anger, without even looking at him. But he never loses that cocky grin, his arrogant Surfer boy cool.

"You're the only guy who'd know."

"I don't. I only know where he had his…" I pause, trying to think of what I can call it. Xigbar eagerly waits for my answer. "Public supply. In the closet of his room."

"You're pathetic." He taunts. "I could go ask Demyx's corpse and he'd be more help."

"Demyx was a complete schizo." I can't help but point out. "I seriously doubt that." _Now _he's pissed. But… Fuck this. I'm out of here. "Look, I can't help you. If I could, I would. It's not like I'm saving it for myself or anything." Suddenly, I realize that that was probably not a good idea, putting that thought past him.

"Oh, that's right. You _quit_. You big _man_." I ignore him now, walk away. "Your boyfriend is awfully cute." He says.

"…What?" I ask, turning around again.

"Your boyfriend is cute." He says again. "You know where he was Friday night? I do." He thrusts his hips for emphasis.

Oh, God. What did he… no. _No_. Xigbar's just messing with me. Sora doesn't even know who the guy is. He's never met any of these "people". And he wouldn't cheat on me. Unless they forced him to… bullshit! Sora doesn't even go anywhere _near _where Xigbar lives or hangs around. And if anything happened, I would know. "It'd be a shame if anything happened to him." Never mind that Sora can stand up for himself easily, the threat scares the _hell _out of me.

"Don't you go near him."

"He's just a high schooler, right? A little too trusting? Wouldn't be too hard to get him alone somewhere." What I'm feeling now is well past rage. I haven't been this angry, this scared, this _territorial _since my days as a runaway. I storm back over and punch him. He reels back in shock but before he can react I punch him again. I grab him, throw him down, kick him until I _see _blood. He doesn't know what he's messing with.

They never do.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him reach for something in his pocket. But I'm faster, taking it away from him before he can do a thing about it.

A gun. Of course. Xigbar's far too into guns and knives for his own good. But it's all for show… he likes scaring people. I aim at a tree and pull the trigger, feeling a chill go down my spine once I find that, for once, it was loaded. Once I calm down I realize how ridiculous the panic has made me; I'm shooting blanks. I drop the useless weapon at his side. I'm glad I'm wearing gloves today… Feeling the anger subside, I pull my cell phone from my pocket and dial 911. "911, please state your emergency." Says the unsettlingly calm operator.

"There's a man lying on the ground… he's bleeding really badly. I think he needs an ambulance." I give her my location and hang up. "Xigbar, you're lucky." His glazed eyes roll up to look at me. "If you ever threaten my family again… if you ever so much as _look_ at my family, I won't hold back. And no one's going to help you. Understood?" He grunts in response. "What?"

"Fuckin' _bastard_."

I glare at him and he meets me with an exasperated look. "_Okay_."

I leave him.

I also call Roxas when I walk home (taking the long, safe way, thankyouverymuch). He sounds surprised to hear from me. "Watch over Sora for the next few days, will you?"

"Um.. okay." He says. "Why? What's going on?"

"Xigbar threatened to hurt Sora."

"_What._" The rage is clear in his voice.

"Just watch over him, will you?"

"I won't let him out of my sight. Thanks for telling me."

No matter what, it's a victory for me. Sora's safe with Roxas for sure, and when Xigbar gets picked up by the ambulance they'll find the drugs he surely has on him and they'll see the gun by his side. The police here really crack down on drug addicts, and laws concerning weapons are strict. He'll doubtlessly be thrown in prison. My feelings of hatred toward the police aren't as intense as they once were; I'm actually glad about the events that I know will unfold.

And even if he doesn't get arrested, I know he's not going to bother me ever again.

None of them will.

-

It isn't until I go to bed that night that I realize what really happened today. Of course. These things always come back to haunt you, don't they? From my pathetic confession when Sora left, to today's confrontation, to seeing Mister at a little Mom and Pop grocery store last month… God, I don't like thinking about that. Walking through the produce aisle, happening to turn around and seeing _him_ with an upbeat, well-dressed woman, talking animatedly. She was young, but still older than me, and looked like him. His daughter, without a doubt. My stomach churned. I spent the better part of a year doing everything but sleeping with not just an older man, but a _father_. And he _looked _at me, saw me and recognized me. I left everything behind, leaving with no intention of ever returning. I am a homewrecker.

But… he wasn't married, was he? And… I don't know, they seemed like such a happy family, the two of them. She has no idea what his little hobby is. Or… was: me.

And sometimes I start going back. I start thinking I'm not good enough for this stuff. I shouldn't be in college. I should still be a druggie. I should have gotten AIDS, because it would have served me right. I shouldn't have an apartment, I should be on the street, I _deserve_ to be on the street... and then I just say, no. I'm fucking over it. I'm not that little abused boy anymore, and I'm not the angry, troubled teen, and I'm not the careless drug addict. I'm Riku, and I don't _deserve _anything, good or bad. What happens, happens.

Ugh… okay, Riku. Time to stop thinking about this shit. Just focus on seeing Sora next weekend.

When I first drift to sleep I have horrible nightmares, but they soon dissipate and tonight, I sleep well.


	39. Sora: Another Year

_Note: _I lied. Last chapter/epilogue coming next time.

Home

Chapter 39

(Sora's POV)

I'm both anticipating and dreading my birthday coming up. It's on a Thursday this year, but for all convenience's sake, I'm throwing the party Friday night. There was a lot of juggling between throwing it on Saturday or Friday, but I had to change it to the latter. It was more convenient; too many kids had to go to some career day thing Saturday. But, and this bothered me before but especially with this change… I'm afraid Riku won't show. Really, irrationally, _scared_.

It's just that when he didn't even drop by for my sweet sixteen party, it was this big "fuck you". It _hurt_, damn it. But I think he actually meant every word of his apology…. I really do. I was just waiting for it to come back and bite me in the ass, but that hasn't happened yet so… I don't know. I really want to trust Riku, but it's hard. I guess we'll get there eventually, though I really want to be there _now_.

I want us to be where we were at our rare bests… right at the beginning, when I was just so excited to be with Riku, to get the opportunity to figure him out; the time after our first break up, when we got back together and I realized we had a chance of making it; after I told him I loved him, finally getting the chance to solidify my feelings for him after all these years, even if it made him freak out. But he _stayed_! I want to have those feelings of security back. Not that I ever fully trusted him… and I don't think he'd be stupid enough to think I'd stay if he pulled something like that again (or maybe I would at first, and that's the saddest thing) but… some wounds are harder to nurse than others. My mom and classmates I could ignore if I tried. But when you love and care for someone so deeply and are constantly forced to question if they really understand, if they can return those feelings… it's rough. Riku is a mystery. He says I've got him all figured out, but I'm not so sure. We'll see.

We'll see what happens Friday.

--

My party had a much better turn out than I thought it would. I was completely casual about the whole thing, really only giving most people a date and a general time. Not expecting the epic that my sixteenth turned out to be, I didn't really plan it all out. But so far, nearly everyone I've told has shown up. I'm really excited about it. No sign of Riku yet, but it's only six. He still has plenty of time…

Most of us sit for cake near seven o'clock. I'm about to get up for some soda, but Chris is oddly considerate enough to set a plastic cup of orange soda in front of me before my ass even leaves the seat. I thank him and in response I simply receive a dainty little wave. Somewhere beside me, Kairi comments on how good the cake is. And it is-- chocolate with strawberry frosting and chocolate mousse in the center-- but that's not what I'm concentrating on at the moment. I can't believe it takes me more than three sips to realize that Chris spiked my drink. And I _know _he has. My mom's snuck vodka and the like into her drinks enough for me to know exactly what's going on here.

And I am _furious_. I rise from my seat so quickly it topples over, making Kairi, Tidus, and Roxas look over, a bit startled. I pass by a group of my classmates, one of whom grabs my shoulder to tell me something. I ignore her. I find Chris leaning on the kitchen counter, sipping a beer.

"What are you _thinking_?" I growl. Some of the people who got too cold to stay outside and sought refuge in the family room glance over before going back to their business.

"What?" He asks.

"You put something in my drink." I must sound as absolutely livid as I am right now, because he quickly jumps to defend himself.

"It was a _joke_, Sora."

"You're so stupid! What else did you _do_?"

"Nothing!" He insists frantically. "I just spiked yours. I thought you'd find it funny."

"I _didn't_. Don't do it again, and don't drink in my house. If you really want to get smashed, do it at your own place." I leave him before I can hear his angry response. I don't give a shit about his excuses.

As I walk away, I smack into Roxas.

"I was just looking for you." He says, rubbing his head and wincing. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Fine."

"…You wanna talk about it?"

"No." I say. But then I look up at him and he really _does_ look genuinely worried… "Chris brought alcohol. Pissed me off."

Roxas stares at me blankly for a moment. "That was… really stupid."

"I know," I reply. "Look, I just need to go outside for a while. Cool off."

"Finish your cake…" He tacks on. I smile and laugh a little.

"Yeah, that too."

But even after I slip out the front door, I feel like total shit. Chris is really mad at me now and I broke my "no alcohol ever" rule, albeit accidentally… Ugh. I can't believe this all went so _wrong! _I rest my head on my knees as I curl up, sighing loudly.

This bites.

And it's _cold _out here, but I don't budge for at least another fifteen minutes. When I do, it's only because I hear a car coming. I'd prefer talking and laughing to traffic as noise pollution.

"Sora!" I look up so fast that my vision momentarily blacks out and I stumble back. When I regain my sight, I catch Riku jumping out of his car and walking toward the house. I meet him halfway, leaping up and throwing my arms around him.

"Riku---" He cuts me off with a brief kiss on the lips while pushing a card into my hand, telling me my present isn't ready yet and I have to wait another day or so and all the while I'm telling him how much I _missed_ him and it's so, so nice to see him. "I can't believe you came."

"_I_ can't believe how little faith you have in me." He responds with a raised eyebrow, pulling away. I quickly apologize, but it's _true _dammit!

"Come in," I tell him, grabbing his jacket and pulling him inside. "Dad's upstairs if you want to talk to him a little later." I unconsciously clutch onto him a little tighter. I want him with me now. I know if I give him the opportunity to get away from the crowd, he'll jump at it.

We head out into the yard where I serve him up and seat him next to me. Too bad for whoever was just sitting here.

"How's school, hon?"

He shrugs. "It's good."

"I bet you're really busy."

"Typically."

"Can you stay for long?"  
He shrugs to fill the space until he swallows his food.

"Yeah, for a little while."

"…Are you sure?"

He stares at me. "First you beg me to come. Now you want me to leave?"

"No!" I shout, awkwardly. That is _not _what I meant. We're quiet. Wakka strides over and tells me something I can't really hear all that well, we laugh, and he goes on his way. "…Hey." I tell Riku, grabbing his free hand. He starts. "I'm really, really glad you could make it. I was looking forward to seeing you all night." He looks at me for a moment before smiling, and only then do I see how tired he looks.

Cue the pang of guilt deep in my chest for dragging him all the way out here. It's a good 45 minute drive here from his apartment and he doesn't have that much free time to begin with. "Anyway… I really appreciate it."

When I reach over to pet his hair I notice something strange: nothing's there. I feel my way up past his shoulders until I can find something. "You cut your hair!"

Riku laughs. "You just noticed?"

"I thought you had it tied back." I sputter, grabbing his sleeve again.

"I only do that when I have to." He replies, but I only vaguely catch the statement.

"Let me see you in the light, come here." He laughs again and follows me into the house. And… _wow_. What a change. I can't believe I didn't notice before; I was too busy dragging him all over the place.

"Why'd you get it cut?" I can't help but ask.

"There's a fine line between having long hair and just looking like a hobo, and I was beginning to cross that line." He gives me just enough time to let out an embarrassing giggle before asking, "Why? Do you have a problem with it?"

"No!" I quickly insist, _again_. "I love it. You look amazing." And it's true. I like being able to see his eyes clearly again, and it's… weird to see the start of the back of his neck. (Ha.) He's gorgeous. Drop dead. Full stop. "How about you? Do you like how it turned out?"

He shrugs. "Even though it's still pretty long, I haven't had hair this short in several years. It'll take some getting used to."

"Shake it." I tell him, grinning.

"…What?"

"Shake your head. Come on."

"Sora," He says. "I am _not _shaking my head."

"Do it!"

"No!"

"Come on!" I say one last time. Riku rolls his eyes and walks away.

"I'm finishing my cake!" He shouts as he slips back outside.

I can't help but to keep smiling after he's gone.

Until it occurs to me that now I'll actually have to _aim_ when I grab something during sex, instead of just randomly reaching out and having chances be pretty good that I'll get a fistful of his hair.

Oh well.

While I'm in the light, I take the opportunity to look at Riku's card. I can tell he drew it; he has a very distinct style, with few, dark lines and colored in lightly with long strokes of colored pencil. On the inside it says, _Happy birthday, you fucking elder. _And below that, in smaller letters, it reads, _Make it count. _and_ I love you._

"Hey, Sora." The sound of Chris's voice distracts me from Riku's beautiful card.

"What?" I ask, sounding more annoyed than I really am.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"I know."

"Roxas told me about your mom." _Ugh_, Roxas… what did you do that for?

"…Oh."

"Shit," He continues. "If I'd known, I never would've done that."

"Really, it's okay." And it's still kind of _not _okay, but what do you do? I forgive him. He honestly didn't know. And he didn't know _better._

_--_

I'm glad to report that the rest of the night goes smoothly. Chris and I are getting on well and when it comes time to open presents, I find that my friends were all smart and all got me gift cards. Except Kairi, who got me some fancy soaps, but it's _Kairi _we're talking about here and anyway, they smell awesome. I wonder if Riku will enjoy them too, when he nuzzles his head into my neck and breathes in deep the way he does?

I thank everyone and take all the stuff into the house as the party resumes. Kissing my cheek, Riku says he really has to go and asks if he can drop by tomorrow.

Well… _duh. _

"I can't wait," I tell him.

The party doesn't die down until a bit after ten, which earlier than I thought it would but fine with me. I'm exhausted and a bit lethargic, too. But I'm really happy. For once, everything turned out really well.

--

I am awaken an hour later by an intruder in my room. He yanks me out of bed and ties a piece of cloth around my eyes and puts a paper bag over my head. I'd be panicking if I wasn't so sure that I just heard a grunt that sounded an awful lot like Roxas.

"What are you doing?"

"Put on your shoes." He says. I slip into a pair of sandals.

"What's going on?"

"Sora, shut up and come with me."

He then not-so-carefully leads me down the stairs. Suddenly I'm hit with a cold rush of wind. We must be outside. I hear the beep which means his car's just been unlocked, then the door opening. I'm pushed inside then cuffed. "This is getting kinky," I try and joke. "I'm not sure how I feel about this. Where's Riku?"

"Sora, shut up." Roxas says again. I can hear muttering all around me, but I can't make out any distinctive voices. I was a bit weirded out at first, but now that the car's started and we're driving away, across a bumpy road, I'm nervous. Someone puts tape over my mouth before I can complain.

Seriously, Roxas? Do you hate me that much? "We're almost there."

"Mmf!" The car suddenly comes to a halt. The door opens; more cold wind. The tape is removed from my mouth.

"Okay, get him out."

"Roxas, couldn't you have told me about this? I would have showered."

"…Be careful." Some murmurs. "Hey, no talking!"

"I'm wearing socks with sandals. Can I take off my socks before I get out?"

"Sora, no. Seriously." It was worth a shot. I start biting at the paper bag, successfully creating a big rip right in the front.

"I'd have brushed my hair, too."

"Start wearing hats." Roxas replies.

"They don't fit. I have too much hair."  
Laughter. I definitely recognize Kairi's voice. "Kairi? Is that you?" No response. I think this might be a cult initiation. "Are we at the beach? I hear waves. And the ground is all mushy."

Finally, someone removes my blindfold. I no sooner adjust to the light than am attacked with silly string and get confetti chucked in my face. That, I hate to admit, makes me shriek like a girl. It's almost midnight, I was kidnapped to the beach, and all the sudden I'm met with aerosol cans filled with a mysterious substance, laughing, and shouting. I like to think that that was a fair reaction.

"So… what's this all about?" I ask once the laughter dies down. Kairi's here, then Roxas of course, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, and even Riku's here.

Wait.

Even Riku's here. I thought he had to leave! Just focusing on that makes me almost miss Selphie's explanation.

"You were talking about how you were born at 11:59 at night, so technically you should have a two-day birthday party. We thought this would do."

"…It's 11:59, isn't it?" I ask.

Okay, okay, stupid Sora gets it now. Very funny, guys…

"12:05 now." Kairi says unhelpfully. "Come on, we have sushi and milky way bars."

"You guys are just trying to get me sick, aren't you?"

"You know it." Tidus says, setting up the food on a nearby bench. Everyone minus Riku follows.

"I thought you said you had to leave." I say.

"I do." He replies. "But I was heading home when I started getting all these calls on my cell. Roxas sort of guilted me into coming."

"Oh." I respond.

"Not that I didn't want to be here for this..." He smiles. "To see you _actually _turn seventeen."

"You don't know how happy this all makes me." I tell him. "You being here tonight…"

He kisses me. "I know. But now… I really do have to get going."

"I understand. See you tomorrow, right?"

"Right."

And with that, he turns and walks away. But before he gets too far I ask, "Riku?"

"What?"

"You were the one holding me back in the car while someone buckled me in, weren't you?"

"Yeah." He says.

"I knew it!"

He laughs. I go make my way to the benches. There's some sushi with my name on it.

--

I didn't get home until two and I don't wake up in the morning until noon. Shit, Riku's going to be here in less than an hour! I hastily rush into the shower, wash up with the soap Kairi got me, shampoo, brush my teeth, dress. I'm ready in twenty minutes. I head downstairs to grab some breakfast/lunch-- a bagel with cream cheese and strawberries on top. It's something Riku turned me on to… he started eating it for breakfast a lot after he quit drugs. That and tea, every morning. Vitamins and fats and antioxidants and carbs: all stuff he really needed.

God, I miss him living with us…

"'Morning, Sora. You heading out this afternoon?" Asks Dad, emerging from the kitchen.

"Yeah. Riku's going to be here a bit before one." I'm very tempted to add: by the way, thanks for giving my friends permission to kidnap me and scare me half to death, but I don't.

He nods. "I'm going out with Sandy, so I'll probably be back a little after you are."

"Okay." Honestly, even if he's out until late, I don't care as long as he's not at work, and working on weekends isn't unheard of for him. He's really toned it down though, and I'm glad…I don't like the thought of him totally killing himself over his job. Besides… going out with Sandy is one thing; he really loves her. But staying at work all the time feels like abandonment. I'm just glad he's been around so much this past year, though he kind of needed to be, with Riku struggling to get past his addictions and all…

Anyway, it's almost one and I need to get my gift cards from upstairs. Riku's going to help me spend them all. I hate shopping and I typically go alone to get it over with as quickly as possible, but any chance to be with my boyfriend, I'll take.

Once my desk is cleared off, I notice something that Dad must have put here a while back.

It's a birthday card.

…That's weird.

It's from my mom.

That's _really _weird.

Mom's never sent me a card. I'm not even sure she ever gave me a birthday card when I was actually living with her. All it says, basically, is: Happy Birthday. 17 is a great year.

Huh. That's… nice. I guess my visiting during the summer cooled her off a bit. We actually started to get along somewhat in the end. Kind of. And there wasn't even a hint of her usual passive-aggression lurking in between her neatly written letters. _Huh_.

I leave it propped up on my desk next to my cards from Riku, Dad, and Donald and Goofy. Speaking of which… I think I just heard Riku at the door. I run downstairs, yelling to Dad as I go. He tells us to have fun.

"Where to?" Riku asks as we climb into the car.

"I think all these stores are in the mall, so let's start from wherever we park and just work our way down."

"Alright." He replies, starting the car and pulling out of the driveway. We're quiet most of the way there until he says, "You present's ready, by the way. I'll get it to you this evening."

"Okay!" God, I can't _wait! _I'm so anxious to see what he's got in store. "I love you." I tell him.

"Um, okay." He says. I chuckle at his under whelmed response. We don't speak again until we reach the mall. "How many gift cards do you have?" Riku asks me as we enter the double doors leading to the large department store which branches into the main mall.

"A lot." I reply, taking the stack of plastic out of my pocket, held together by a nice money clip Dad got me for my birthday. He exhales loudly.

"Long day."

"Yeah, long day." To my surprise, his face actually brightens.

"Alright. Let's get started."

"Okay!"

We tackle the clothing first. Good, it's always my least favorite part. I like _having _clothes, but not shopping for them. I'm really picky. When I got so vain is a mystery to me… I had to wear a uniform at my junior high and obviously only wore about two different things as a runaway… shirt and shorts or shirt and jeans, high class right there. I just like being able to express myself for once. I tend to throw a bunch of stuff together and end up looking good by accident. Lucky me, I guess.

"So… how about this?" I ask, coming out of the dressing room in my fourth shirt of the afternoon, since Riku vetoed the last three. This one's a weird red/pink thing that I thought would look better on me than it did on the hanger. I don't think it does.

"It says… 'Hi, my name is Sora and I enjoy sucking dick.'"

I shrug. "Well, truth in advertising, right?" He jerks his thumb back, pointing to the dressing room.

"Next."

--

Okay, so clothes shopping with Riku is a nightmare, but I left with a lot of good stuff, so it all works out. I'm really happy with what I got. And we both fare better in gaming stores and stores with oddball stuff as well as clothing. Riku's more natural in this environment, too: one that's less… preppy, as he says. But I _vehemently _deny being preppy. I'm not anything. I'm just me. I wonder if Riku realizes that?

No… I think he does. I think he appreciates me.

I sure appreciate him. I tell him this, but I think it embarrasses him.

"I love you," He finally responds. I lean over and kiss him briefly, before jolting back.

"Okay! So, where to next?" Riku glances out at the window from where we're standing, presumably to see if it's still all that light out, but the windows are tinted so it's hard to tell. That's the one thing I don't like about winter… the sun sets so early you can't even do anything. I feel like it's time for bed before I'm even finished doing my homework.

"Look," Riku says. "Let's just hang around for another hour or whatever, and then we'll head back to my place. I'll give you your present then. You spending the night?"

"No, I can't." He nods. "You okay?"

"Yeah," He replies quickly. "Why?" I don't know if it's his tone or what, but I suddenly find myself backing off and hastily apologizing. He just looked so… I don't know, thoughtful there for a second. So distant. "So… how's your week been?"

"Weird." I say. "Roxas's been following me around for the longest time now… it's really, really odd. He even comes to my house after school to do homework, and I could never get him to before."

"Huh." Riku hums in response, a small smirk on his face.

"…What?" I ask. "No, you're probably just thinking something really mean about Roxas, aren't you?"

"Yeah." He says after a moment, still smirking. "Caught me." I shake my head in disbelief. They're ridiculous.

--

One hour, four stores, and three gift cards later, it's nearly sundown ad we're heading back to Riku's. I'm so anxious can hardly speak.

No pressure, Riku.

When we finally get there, Riku reaches into his pocket and unlocks the door. I look over the railing. Two floors up and you can get a really interesting view of the mountains that are _way_ out into the distance. "Sora, what are you waiting for? Come in."

"Sorry." I say, following him in. Halfway to his bedroom, Riku takes another key out of his pocket and holds it in front of me. When I reach out to grab it, he yanks it away. The hell, Riku? Seriously? He holds it _just _above my head, and once I get on my toes to reach for it, he pulls it away again. I lunge forward, he shifts, and my lips gently meet his. He places the key into the palm of my hand.

"For you," He says quietly into my ear. "Happy birthday."

"Really…?" I ask stupidly. But… I kind of can't believe it. I have the key to his apartment. I can see him _whenever _I want. "You sure?"

"I want you around more." He says simply. I reach up and kiss him again. "Come on," He says again, and I follow him into his room.

I seriously love Riku's room. I think that a lot of his school friends end up giving him art projects that they they've abandoned or don't want anymore, and they all end up in his room. It's insane. He's got a big tree in the corner, a mobile hanging over a mirror with the bottom painted to look like a ship out at sea, with the mirror as the sky. He's got big cardboard stars on his ceiling. Not to mention the different colored walls… one's a pale yellow, and the rest are a light blue. I'm jealous… Riku's room officially trumps Roxas's, and that's not an easy feat. I guess it's just funny… I think of Riku as so straightforward and serious. I mean, he's fun, but… this is almost false advertising on his part. This room should have… I don't know. Bookcases. Not a paper maché tree. "Hey," Riku says suddenly, snapping me out of my inane observations. He grabs my sleeve and pulls me onto his bed beside him. So of course the only logical thing to do next is to roll on top of him and start kissing him. He opens his mouth right away, which works out great for me.

"I love you," I say when I pull away to catch my breath before kissing him again, running my tongue over his. And once I pull away for air again I add, "And I love your room."

"Gee, I wonder why." He responds, pulling me closer. I rub against him, starting for his belt but he avoids the touch. "No, not tonight."

"Sorry." I awkwardly try to sit up or get off him, but he still has his arms around me.

"No," He says again. "This is fine… I just don't feel like going any farther tonight." I shrug.

"Yeah. Okay." I think that just knowing that he's actually willing to sleep with me now has calmed me down a lot since we first started dating, in an odd kind of way. It tells me that he actually trusts me for once, that our relationship isn't just going to be totally stagnant (even he never _did _tell me whether he's going to marry me or not) and, hell, it means I get laid. Which is pretty awesome.

We make out and cuddle, then eat dinner and make out some more. At some point--probably when Riku leaves to get something to drink-- I fall asleep.

And I don't wake up until eleven at night. _Shit_! Riku was supposed to take me home _hours _ago. But when I look over next to me, Riku's asleep, too. I jerk up and feel around his desk for my cell phone. I have four missed calls from Dad. Damn it. I press 2 and hit the green enter button, and my phone dials home.

"Hello?"

"Dad, we fell asleep, I'm sorry!"

"Sora!" He exclaims, _not _sounding happy at all. "What the hell?"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I was just so exhausted, I closed my eyes and before I knew it…" A heavy sigh from the other end of the line, a grunt from right next to me.

"It's okay, Sora. I'm guessing Riku's asleep, too?"

"Yeah."

"Look, just stay there for the night. I don't want to get Riku up just to make him drive for an hour to drop you off and then have to come all the way back. But you need to be back home early. We have a really busy day tomorrow."

"Okay, Dad," I say. Then, "Sorry."

"It's okay." He says again, finally starting to sound like he's calmed down. "Goodnight."

"'Night." I hang up and lay back down. "I'm here for the night." I say quietly, but not quite whispering.

"Cool," Riku says, which makes me jump. I didn't know he was awake… but he isn't for long. He's asleep before I am, and I fall asleep again pretty quickly. But before I do, I throw an arm over my… boyfriend, fiancée… something; My love, my other half… and bury my head into the back of his neck.

And life seems pretty good.


	40. RikuSora: Home

Note: Different format. I think this is more of a series of drabbles more than anything Not totally satisfied with it, but oh well. The epilogue is better.

Home

Chapter 40

(Riku's POV)

I like waking up with Sora next to me. And I miss it. The year flies by; I give up and attend Sora's senior prom, and when his birthday rolls around once again, I ask him to move in with me. I know it's really hard for him to part with his dad, but he seems to be just as excited to be together again. I was a little sad to see my fake tree and other art shit go in order to make room for Sora's stuff, but… I'd say it's worth it.

"Done!" Sora sighs, throwing his textbook across the room. It lands with a large _thud_.

"Lucky." I mutter. Sophomore year is kicking my ass; and I know Sora's convinced his teachers hate him. He's considering not even transferring, leaving his education at a junior college level. "Your exam tomorrow?"

"Yep."

"When do you have to get to work?"

"Not until later." He smiles, leaning over to kiss me. I'm happy to give in.

"Good."

We're both silent as I go back to work. I have some big stupid art project to get done for a class I regret taking.

"…Hey." Sora says, suddenly. "Foot." Rolling my eyes, I set my book aside and lean back on the bed, un-tucking my legs from beneath me. He takes one of my feet, pressing his thumbs into my arch and rubbing up and down. It feels good.

"Sora?"

"What?"

Well, here goes nothing. "I know you proposed like… two years ago, but…" I glance up at him. His hands slow, but don't quite stop working on my foot. "I mean, if you still want to get married," I shrug and lay back down. "I'd do it."

"Oh." Now he stops, dropping his hands. "_Yes_. Of course I still want to."

"Good, because I've been calling you my fiancé for a year, at least." He's grinning now and laughing, pulling me close.

"I love you." He says. But I'm so _excited _I can't really reply. Okay, I'm really not sure where this all came from. But it's alright. I'm ready to take charge of my own life, to commit to something, to take what I've got and do something positive with it. For once.

We set the wedding for March during Spring Break, so we'll have a week to just forget about everything and be newlyweds before slogging through finals. Recently we got our friends and family together to announce the news, and they're all thrilled for us. It's nice to be surrounded by so much love and support. Experiencing unconditional love, for the first time… it's good.

The wait is almost unbearable; in fact, Sora and I come very close to eloping several times, leaving the wedding ceremony as an afterthought. But that wouldn't be right. Besides, we're both having our bachelor parties in a few days and Sora's looking forward to it more than I want him to.

I know he's going to do a lot of stuff I probably don't want to know, and I find myself hanging out with Zakku for the night for mine. It's not a big party, and we're not making a huge deal out of this. That's okay. Besides, if I had a big party then I'd be taking some people away from Sora's. We really have mostly the same friends.

"Hey," Zakku says. I look over. "You okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

He gets up off the couch and walks over to the fridge to get us both some beers. "Big day coming up soon. You're not nervous?" Of course I am. I'm scared out of my mind. But it's not like I can just back out now… I don't want to, besides.

"I just want to get it over and done with."

"You're romantic." He replies, raising an eyebrow. I take a sip from the brown bottle.

"Shut up."

He grins and laughs, tossing his head back. "But seriously, are you happy?"

I shrug, it's like a nervous twitch with him. "I love Sora." A distant look on his face appears then flickers and fades just as suddenly. Oh, I guess he still has sort of a… thing for me.

"Hey, man… I'm glad. You deserve to be happy."

"Thanks."

"Now let's get smashed."

"Sounds good to me."

As it turns out, Zakku really, really meant it. By eleven, we're very drunk. It feels good to be so carefree again, not that I'd ever go back to the lifestyle I adopted when I was seventeen, but… I like being able to let go for one night.

"Isn't it going to be weird?" Zakku asks out of no where, rolling on his stomach. I can't remember when we settled out on the floor in the dining room, but okay.

"What?"

"Everyone in college will be going nuts and you'll be all settled down and married."

"It's always been that way." I say. "Besides, I wouldn't want any of them."

"You're lucky. I haven't had a steady girlfriend in a while now."

"Sucks to be you."

"I've had my mind set on other things." …When did he move so close to me?

"So I'm a thing now, huh?"

Zach smiles. Oh, what the fuck… I lean in and I kiss him. He starts, clearly surprised, but doesn't pull away. I open my mouth, his tongue slides in. I should not have had so much to drink. We kiss and at some point I roll on top of him and he strokes my hair and this is so surreal, so unlike me, I'm getting married in a few days and I can't be doing this…

We eventually pull apart on our own.

"So, yeah." Zach says. "I should get to bed. I'm so drunk I feel like I'm going to puke."

Sexy. "I'm coming with you."

"No." He says sternly. "If you do, I'm going to try and fuck you. Neither of us want that."

"Fine, I'll just crash on the couch."

"Good night."

"'Night."

So that's what Sora meant when he said a while back that we needed to get our sexual tension out before the wedding.

Glad that's over with.

--

(Sora's POV)

Kairi and Selphie take me to a strip club for my bachelor party.

I am not amused. They drag me into a back room where I get a private lap dance which I _definitely _did not ask for. I guess it's not as fun when you know the guy completely demeaning himself for money probably had the same past as you did. And yet I watch porn with no guilt, so figure that one out.

I guess it just feels like I'm cheating Riku this way. I wonder how he's doing with Zakku? I know Zakku never got over him…

And _wow_, hello oiled-up stranger guy. This isn't uncomfortable at all. I laugh embarrassedly as he walks over, rubs up against me, and starts throwing off his clothes. I think he's taking some kind of a sick pleasure out of my uneasiness, because the more I look away the more he rubs against me and breathes down my neck.

Okay. This is my bachelor party. I really need to let go.

I hesitantly reach out and touch his side. Am I allowed to do that? Am I sexually harassing him? "Um," I say awkwardly, then say nothing more.

"You're cute," He says. If I wasn't red before, I am now.

"Thanks," I say.

And the more he dishes out the compliments, the more money I shove at him. By the end of the night I'm completely broke, horny and I _really _want to go home. But I _have_ just made a stripper very, very happy.

"Did you have fun?" Kairi asks, winking at me.

"Buh," I say.

"…Are you alright?" Selphie asks.

"Buh," I say.

"…Maybe we should get him home." Kairi murmurs, leaning in close to Selphie.

"Good idea."

"Buh," I say.

I'm half-asleep as Kairi drives me home, even despite their busy, girlish chatter and nonstop giggling. Sounds like they certainly had fun. And… okay, I did too once I stopped being so embarrassed.

I wonder how Riku's night went?

When I say goodbye to the girls and let myself into our place, I find that Riku's not home. Huh. So I leave a light on so that when Riku _does _come home he doesn't kill himself trying to get in, then get to bed.

I wake up at three AM, and Riku's still not back. My God, what could those two possibly be up to… rolling my eyes, I snuggle back down into the covers and sleep again until about eight. This time, Riku _is _back. Good. I would have worried otherwise. I roll over and start kissing his neck. He stirs slowly.

"Sora," He murmurs. "I'm so hung over. Not now."

"…What?" I ask. "How could you drink? After everything you've…"

"The drugs." He replies, cutting me off. "I was addicted to the drugs. I only drank when I had absolutely nothing better to do."

"You're genetically predisposed to alcoholism. Like me." Clutching his head, Riku shifts and rests on his elbow and strokes my cheek once with his free hand.

"I drink on special occasions only. Calm down."

Damn it, Riku.  
You make me worry.

But, God, I just have to get over this. Leaving him alone always works the best for both of us.

"…Yeah. Okay. Go back to sleep, I'll make us some Mac and cheese or something later. I'll bring you some water, if you'd like."

"Thanks," He murmurs. "Also… I think I might have made out with Zakku last night. I'm sorry."

That takes a moment to register. "Okay. Just don't do it again." I'm so okay with it because I feel so guilty. That's it. I do not approve of Riku making out with his best friend. That's my territory.

Making out with Riku, I mean, not with my best friend. I don't think Roxas would appreciate that. "…So, have fun last night?"

"Buh," I say.

--

(Riku's POV)

The wedding comes much, much sooner than I had anticipated. I'm more anxious than I can even say. Lauren's coming in, and seeing her again will be exciting enough on its own. It's going to be a small ceremony-- tiny, really, as I've only invited Lauren, Zakku, Naminé and a couple other classmates who I've grown particularly close to. Sora's got Selphie, Tidus, Wakka, Donald and Goofy, with Roxas as his best man. Zakku's mine. All the other attendees are a part of Sora's large family. It'll be nice seeing everyone again.

It'll be nice spending the rest of my life with Sora.

"Hey," says Mr. Hart, seriously appearing out of nowhere as I get ready. "Nervous?"

"Yeah," I say. "Nervous. Excited. Terrified." And he smiles, pats me on the back.

"Don't be. You look good, you're going to sound great, and everything will go as planned."

"Knock on wood."  
He smiles.

"I'm going to go check on Sora again. See you in a few."

"Alright," I say, but he's already gone.

I think I'm almost done getting ready, my hair isn't mussed up for once, my clothes are all in order. I'm trying not to sit down in my nice pants.

I'm ready. I've _been _ready.

I will _never_ feel unsure again.

--

(Sora's POV)

The whole wedding is kind of a blur, I'm scared out of my mind. All I know is that at some point Riku and I walk to the alter together, and I say my vows which are hasty and overemotional and I tell him that I love him and he's so, so perfect _a lot_, but Riku sounds intelligent, elegant, and refined. He talks about his past briefly, how he didn't think he'd be here today. Alive, married… either one. And how he didn't want to be, anyway; and how meeting me changed his mind. Then all of the sudden Riku's saying, "I do."

And I say, "I do." We lean in and kiss and… it's over. Like that. We're married. For a moment I'm kicking myself for not being more attentive, for not taking in every little detail of my surroundings, of Riku in his wonderful tux, the truly happy gleam in his eye. Of course, then I remember that this is being filmed and that makes it better, but I still try to hold onto each moment of this day.

The park is amazing, and I'm glad we chose to get married here. It smells amazing, there are so many different varieties of flowers. They attract butterflies and ladybugs. All we can hear outside of the music we've got playing are birds chirping. This is way better than a wedding at the beach like I'd originally proposed. It's so peaceful here.

"Sora," my Dad says, standing up. Oh, God. He's doing a speech. If I wasn't sobbing before, I will be by the end of this… "When I walked out all those years ago, all I could think about was how I could get you back into my life. I called and wrote, but I could never reach you. I thought it was a lost cause, and I nearly gave up. The years would go by, your birthday would pass, and all I would want was to see how much you had grown, to ruffle your hair and pick you up like I used to. Then, one day, you showed up at my door. You were skinny and dirty, and I couldn't believe that you would go through what you did to find me. But I'm glad. You have made every day brighter. I love being able to talk to you on the phone about the crazy things that happen at work, and I enjoy our Sunday lunches. And more than anything, I'm proud to see you here today. I wish you nothing but the best. You're smart, patient, gentle, and you deserve it."

I nod and shrug, then he turns to look at Riku. Riku glances at me before looking down at the table.

"And Riku... It's been a long, hard road, hasn't it? I still remember when you first showed up at my door, Sora dragging you inside. You wouldn't speak to me on your own and when you did, you called me 'sir'. I remember looking at you more than once and thinking, 'I just can't figure this kid out.' You consistently blew me away with how intelligent, how determined you were. You were out to conquer the world. And my heart absolutely bled for you as I watched you struggle to find out who you are. You baffled me the horrifying day we learned of your drug usage." Riku makes a face; it's a very touchy subject for him. Luckily, Dad doesn't dwell on it for long. "But you made the right choice when you decided to quit, and you haven't looked back. There aren't many people who could live through what you did and still come out on top. You are incredibly strong. I know you're going to live happily ever after." There's a brief pause; I almost think that he's finished, but he then tacks on: "Take care of my son."

Riku simply nods and mouths, 'I will'.

Roxas then steps in. "Sora, you're the brother I never had. You're probably the only person in the world who I could text at three AM, talk about how unfair Tom and Jerry cartoons are to Tom, and instead of saying I'm weird, or telling me to call you at a decent hour… pick up your cell and have a 10 minute conversation about why you agree. " I can't help but laugh; I remember that conversation. We ended up texting for almost an hour about Tom and Jerry of all things. I was exhausted the next day and almost ended up skipping my morning class. "You're awesome. And even though I think your taste in men could use a little tweaking… you ended up with a good guy. I'm really happy for you."

Riku nudge Zakku and whispers, "Your turn. Say some awesome things about me." They laugh.

"Okay," Zakku says, standing. "You two were made for each other. Riku, you're so serious and logical with such a dry sense of humor, and Sora's so silly and fun… it shouldn't work, but it does. And that's an amazing thing. You guys are going to last forever. Sora… you're the luckiest man alive. Don't forget that."

I never will.

The time comes for our dance together. Kairi picked out a song for us, and it's a good one. Very soft and mellow without being girly. While our pictures are taken, I try to have a look on my face that reflects the utter peace I feel right now, but once Riku catches on to watch I'm doing, he starts whispering things to me that make me laugh.

Bastard.

We then eat dinner, cake… and just have an amazing time in general.

"Sora," I look up when I hear my name.

…It's Mom. _Ugh_, this must have been Dad's doing. I'm expecting her to say something nasty, but she doesn't. "I'm happy for you. He's… he's good to you, isn't he?"

"He is." I reach over and hug her, hard. She very hesitantly returns the gesture. "Your approval means everything to me. I love you, mom."

"I… I love you, too."

And man, I'm glad that we only have various sparkling drinks, and no alcohol.

I spend a lot of time talking to Donald and Goofy, just as Riku spends almost all his time with Lauren. And that's more wonderful than I can say. I missed these two loons. And I know how much Riku loves Lauren.

But I'm happy to get home, I have to say. We're not having a honeymoon… we can't afford it. We're too broke and have too much going on at home right now. But that's okay. I love walking into our place, _our place_, married. Together forever. For once.

--

(Riku's POV)

Of course the first thing we do once we get home is fuck. I cut off the sex a month or so before the wedding. I wanted our first night together to be something amazing. And it is. (Okay, so we cheated once or twice when I went down on Sora… but when he's looking at you with those big eyes and telling you that you give some really, really good head… you push your standards to the side.) Once we're through, we're both completely spent. We hold each other tight, like we're being separated and not joined together. And we sleep through the night, waking early in the morning. So we kiss and touch until we realize just exactly what time it is-- 6 AM-- and sleep some more.

We dream well.

It's almost noon and Sora hopped into the shower a while ago. I just laze in bed and wait for him to come out.

Once Sora moves on from Junior college I think I'll see if he wants to move out. I admit that I'm sort of… between jobs at the moment, but Sora gets good tips waiting tables. I don't need anything too fancy, just a place with a little bigger bedroom so we can up the size of our bed. Maybe a shower that can fit two people. I'm not sure that'll be happening too soon, though… I'm not going to drag Sora's ass out into a shitty part of town just to get a big house cheap for a nice bed. Besides, for all I know, Sora might want to relocate closer to whichever college he ends up going to. I hope it's still in Occiana; I've finally found my little paradise by the sea like I've always wanted. I don't want to let it slip away. And my _family _is here… Zakku, Mr. Hart… But we'll see what Sora decides. I'm not sure Sora would want to leave his Dad. Plus, he doesn't even know what he wants to do with his life, so it's not like we'd move so he could go to a school that specializes in anything particular.

Regardless, even if Sora said he really wanted to move to _Darry _I'd do it.

And I should have known, that first night at Mr. Hart's--no, _Dad's_, when I couldn't fall asleep so I crawled unto bed with Sora, and I never felt more safe, or more warm, that I was never leaving him.

Where ever Sora is… that's home to me.

--

(Sora's POV)

I take my time in the shower. I'm sore from topping _and _bottoming. We should probably lay off on the sex for a while.

…Nah.

After a few more minutes of just letting the warm water hit my back, I emerge into our room. "Hey, husband." I say. Riku rolls his eyes but opens his arms and embraces me.

Home is one of those words that you just kind of toss around; like "love" and "hate" and "amazing".

But I guess… for the first time, I really understand what that means: Riku.


	41. Sora: Epilogue

Note: Thanks for sticking around, guys. It's sad that this has finally come to an end… I was probably eleven when this thing started, and now I'm seventeen. I hope it was worth it for all you guys who have stuck by since Runaway. I know it was for me.

This isn't the total end; no later than Saturday I'll have two related one shots up on my live journal. (hearts Pocky. live journal. Com). I hope you guys will check them out; I think they'll answer a lot of questions.

And finally, this and chapter 40 were totally not beta'd. Sorry.

Home

Epilogue

(Sora's POV)

I can't believe four years have gone by so fast. Junior college really flew by, and now I'm attending the University of Occiana. I'm glad I took Dad's advice by going to a smaller school first. I really learned how to take harsh criticism, if nothing else… I feel very prepared. Life's been hectic for everyone; Riku graduated last year and got a really good job writing for a local magazine. It sounds like he might get a book deal soon, which is _really_ exciting. He turned _23 _a few months ago, and I turned 22... And I know our third wedding anniversary will be here before we know it.

But for now, I'm just thankful that I don't have class today and for once, Riku doesn't have any deadlines looming overhead. So we're just going to take it really easy today, kick back and relax. We deserve it!

So it's a little past noon and we're both still in our pajamas, eating pizza and cake left over from a party that Kairi threw last night, celebrating the engagement of Roxas and Naminé. Riku will never forgive me for setting them up. Ha. I know he's more upset about it than he'll let on, and I know that's really the cause of the argument we had in the car before we got to Kairi's place. But it's not really my fault that Roxas got Naminé knocked up. Jeez.. everyone's having kids. It's not just Roxas; Goofy has a young son, Donald adopted his three nephews. I was really trying to get Riku to look into adopting children but... he's just not up for it. And I understand. That's part of the reason I want to become a teacher so badly; first and foremost, I want to make sure no kid has to go through what Riku and I did, and I know that I'll probably never have kids of my own. Well, I won't say that for sure. We're so young... Riku might change his mind. But he probably won't...

So I guess you could say that it's up-and-down with us, but what else is new? We fight like we always have, sometimes worse .And Dad can't break us up. We're adults, after all. I wouldn't change it for the world, though. I love my husband. I love calling him that. I love it all. Waking up next to him, those few nights our schedule actually work and he's not in bed by the time I'm finished working or he's not locked up writing while I _am_ home.

Oh, the guilt-free sex is nice, too.

I'm happy. Riku's happy. But in an odd way… I don't think he'll ever be okay. He'll always be different from his peers, always have a piece missing. I will too, to a certain extent, especially since my Mom died of liver disease last year. At least we were able to make amends. But I'm resilient… and at least I have more family. Riku is… no, not alone. Never alone. My family was his before, and now they're his legally since he married into it. Or did I marry into his? I don't think we ever really got that all figured out. All I know I that I go by Hart-Imakura and that seems to work for the state. Oh well. Not important.

"Hey," My husband says, nudging my hip with his foot before spreading out across the couch. "Want to pop in a movie or something?"

"That would require getting up." I say.

"Lazy ass." He laughs.

"I don't see you getting up," Is my retort. I'm rather proud of it.

"I'm sore." Boo hoo, boo hoo. I shift around, laying my head awkwardly in his lap. He pets my hair.

"I want more cake." I say suddenly, starting to rise from my comfortable seat. "You want a slice?"

"I'll get it," Riku replies. "It's fine. I'll bring over the movies while I'm at it."

"Love you, hon."

He snorts but smiles.

"Love you, too, snot-head." He says as he roots through the fridge. He pulls out two more small slices of cake and a beer. I wish he wouldn't drink, but he doesn't pressure me into it and he doesn't let himself get drunk, so I guess that's okay. "You want anything else?"

"I have a bottle of orange juice--"

"Got it… hey," Cue a plastic bottle _flying _ at my head. I manage to catch it, though I reel back a bit and nearly slip off the couch. "Nice catch." I offer him a thumbs up. He's got two plates, a glass bottle, and three DVDs balancing in his arms when the phone decides to ring. Maybe I should have gotten all that stuff after all. I mean, I have been waiting tables for the past few years. I've gotten good at balancing things. According to my teachers, that may be the only thing I'm good at. It may be what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

Ugh, that's a depressing thought.

We ignore the phone even as it keeps ringing and ringing, passing it as off as a sales call. But after a moment of silence, it rings again.

"_Really_?" Riku asks. He sets out food down on the table and hands me the DVDs. "Seriously, who's interrupting our second fake honeymoon?"

"Your mom." I say, receiving a glare in response. I know, I'm still mentally sixteen.

"Hilarious, Sora… Hello?" While he's on the phone, I take the time to pick out a movie. "Yes, this is he." Riku then puts his hand over the mouthpiece and says, simply, "Oh. My. God." _Shit. _That doesn't sound good. My first instinct is telling me that something happened to Dad. But almost as soon as the thought enters my head, Dad texts me. And… oh! He has great news: he finally asked his girlfriend to move in with him. Jesus, it's about time They've only been seeing each other since I graduated from high school. (And yeah, I was devastated that Sandy was no longer in the picture, but it's good that Dad has someone closer to his age. I think Sandy's married now, anyway. She still sends me Christmas cards every year.)

Now… what's happening with Riku? I look back after I congratulate Dad and mouth, "what?" I also add, "Riku, what's wrong?" But I doubt he could decipher it.

"It's. My. Dad!" He mouths back.

Wait… what now? I shoot up from the couch and dart over to my lover. After a moment he hangs up, presses his back against the wall, and slides into a sitting position. I honestly can't tell if this is good or if it's bad. I can't read him and I don't like that one bit. "Riku?" I ask gently. "Baby?"

Dammit, I _always _forger he hates that one. You'd think I'd remember after almost ten years of knowing him.

"He was at work." Riku says so quietly I almost miss it. The next part is stronger, more confident. "And I guess a co-worker gave him an issue of the magazine I write for. He said…" I nod for him to continue. "He said that had he known I was alive, he would have contacted me sooner. And that he… he wants to try and make things better. Sora, all this time… I thought that he…"

Oh, fuck it. "I know, baby, I know." I say, taking him, enveloping him in my arms. "So… what are you going to do?" I press gently.

"I'm not. I can't. I can't see him and I can't forgive him yet. Maybe someday, but… I need some time to think."

"Of course, Riku. I understand." He glances over at the phone again, smiling.

"Now… let's watch some movies."

I'm a little taken aback by the statement, but… okay. I'll let him deal with it the way he needs to, and I'll be there for him the whole way if he needs it. I don't know, maybe he won't.

Once we get back over to the couch I notice that I have another text. "Sora! You there?" No, no I'm not. Leave me alone on my second fake honeymoon. "Okay, so I was talking to our psych teacher and you came up in the conversation… he started talking about how you'd be a great teacher and that he's always happy to read your work because you have interesting opinions." I get one more: "And you thought he hates you."

..Huh. The relief I feel now is immense. Maybe I can do something right after all.

Maybe Riku isn't as unfixable as I thought he was after all.

It's going to be a long, hard road (what else is new?) but I think that in this new chapter of our lives… everything is going to end up okay after all.

_End_.


End file.
